06x13 - The Yummy Mummy

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Fran,
everything looks normal.

Now, I want you to know that
in this stage of the pregnancy,

it's perfectly normal to experience an
increase in constipation, flatulence,

or mucus. Ginger snap?

Uh, Dr. Reynolds, I'm a little
concerned about one thing.

When exactly would be the right
time for us to stop having, um...

sexual relations?

I'd say when
the flatulence kicks in.

Doctor, is there anything special we
should or shouldn't be doing right now?

Well, I often encourage
my patients to begin

the bonding process by
talking to the baby.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Right. Well...

( clears throat )

Ah, hello, fetus.

When you're ready,
come out and meet us!

I don't think
I could b*at that, honey.

Well, you know, hearing mommy's voice
can be very soothing to the baby.

- Aw, did you hear that, you...
- Check the note.

We don't want him to hang himself
with the umbilical cord.

Now, the sonogram is going
to tell us the sex of the baby.

Do you want to know?

- Oh, no.
- Yes! Honey...

Darling, don't you want
to be surprised?

It's the wondering and the suspense.
That's what's so exciting.

You know, I did the whole
wondering and the suspense thing

when I was waiting for you to propose.
I didn't care for it.

Doc, you know, I'm a little nervous.
How big do you think I'm going to get?

Well, it's genetic. Generally, your mother
is a good indication of the size you'll be.

Well, we just solved the problem of
when we're going to stop having sex.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran. ♪

So Fran, what do you want?
A boy or a girl?

Oh, I don't care, Val.
Just as long as it's healthy.

Oh, and it can wear
that adorable dress!

Well, what if it's a boy?

Well then he'll just have to work it out on
therapy, because he's wearing that dress.

Now, do you think this sun dress
would look good on me in green?

Val, those are baby clothes.
They don't come in your size.

Sure they do. It says,
"Size in the color mos."

M-O-S means months, sweetie.

Well, forget it,
summer will be over by then.

Oh, Val, I'm so nervous.

In two weeks I'm going
to take the sonogram,

and then I'm going to know
whether it's a boy or a girl.

God willing,
it should only be healthy.

Do you know what I do when I have too
many things weighing on my mind?

What?

I visualize a tiny housekeeper
walking in my ear

and cleaning out my whole brain.

I'd cut it back
to once a week, Val.

Well, dad's trusting me to go
check out colleges all by myself.

Now, as I recall, he never left
your side when you went.

Interesting.

Yeah, that's because he's not
the slightest bit worried

that a college student is going
to jump your bones.

Yeah, that's right.
Ain't going to happen.

Come here and show Val
your Harvard brochure.

- Ooh!
- Here, Val, there you go.

I remember how difficult it was,
choosing a college.

Fran, you went to beauty school.

College, sweetie.
Beauty college.

You know, Fran, maybe you should go with
Brighton on all these college tours?

Yeah, you know what? I think it would
take your mind off all your worries.

That's a fantastic idea, Val.

My mother's coming with me
to colleges. How happy am I.

Oh, you don't have to tell me!

Look at his face. He's crying.

Oh, honey, um, I decided to go check
out some colleges with Brighton.

You don't care if I'm
away this weekend, do you?

No, darling, of course not.

- Oh, good.
- You go right ahead.

Why don't you make a long weekend
out of it? You work too hard.

Who's coming that
you don't want me to meet?

Oh darling, for heaven's
sake, we're married, now.

I don't need to continue to...

Lynn Redgrave.

Oh, I must meet her! You know she did all
of those Weight Watchers commercials.

Which means she probably knows Fergie, who
knows the Queen, who knows the President,

who hangs out with Barbara.
I am this close!

It's settled.
You're going to Harvard.

Yeah, and she's .

Let's just lump all those
little delusions together.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

why must I look like
Charles de Gaulle?

I don't have time for you.
I'm being taken out tonight.

Oh, well in that case, I'll open the
drapes and give the gunman a cleaner sh*t.

( Doorbell rings )

Colin, darling, I'll be right with you.
I'm just fixing my face.

Oh, don't bother, angel.

If Earl Sheib couldn't knock those
dents out, I doubt you can.

( Both laugh )

He can go on
like that all night.

Oh, yeah? Well, when your clothes come
off, the insults just write themselves.

Man, look at all the famous
people that went to Harvard.

I mean, you got John Kennedy,
Ralph Nader, T.S. Eliot...

Who's Fred Gwynne?

Hello? Herman Munster!

Just hope they let you
into this school.

Hello, hi, I'm Fran Sheffield.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you. I'm Dean Sterrett.

Do you know that you are the th man
named Dean that I've met today?

I happen to be the chair
of my department.

Oh, do you do "Gypsies,
Tramps and Thieves?"

Check it out.
Now that is pure honey.

Oh, who? The blonde?
Yes, she's a hottie,

Uh-huh? No, the brunette.

Dean... you mind if I call you
by your first name?

I just got to tell you that, um,

well, my son, Brighton, is very
interested in coming to Harvard.

Oh, well, best of luck. Only students
of the highest caliber are admitted.

Oh, not to worry. I'll tell you, as
far as being a Harvard man goes,

my little B is the one.

He has been senior class
treasurer, he's got great grades,

and everybody loves him.

Brighton: I told you
to shut up about her!

Uh, plus, you know, his father is
willing to donate a big stadium.

Oh, Mom, I'm going to
go crazy waiting two

weeks before I know if
it's a boy or a girl.

I don't know
how you waited nine months.

Well, we had our way of knowing.

If you carried high
and in front, it was a boy.

If you carried low,
and your tuches hit the floor...

you were a Fine.

So meanwhile, how is Harvard?

Terrible. He got into a big fight,
he didn't tell me anything about it,

he's been acting so weird.

You know, when I used to ask you
personal stuff at his age,

you would never tell me
anything either.

Well, what did you do?

Nothing, I really wasn't
that interested.

You know, maybe all this college
stuff is making him scared.

I was a little anxious about
going to college myself.

Darling, you went
to beauty school.

We carried books, we had pep
rallies, it was college.

All I'm saying is the boy has
never lived away from home.

Remember how scared you got just
before you went to summer camp?

That wasn't camp, Ma. It was Aunt
Miriam's trailer in Scranton.

It had a playground.

It was a sandbox.

You used it.

So did her cats.

Hey, Fran,
I need to talk to you.

Oh, okay, sweetie.

Um, I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but

I don't want you coming
to schools with me anymore.

Oh... Okay, B,
you didn't hurt my feelings.

God, Fran, you're not going
to cry, are you?

I don't know where else
to go with this face.

It's just the guys said
something about you.

Is that what the fight was all
about? What did they say?

I don't want to talk about it.
It's embarrassing, okay?

God, I embarrassed my son.
What could I have done?

Well, let's see.

Nanny Fine at Harvard.

The crème de la crème conversing
with the cream de la rinse.

My guess is you said
something stupid.

I think she's right. Maybe that
is what the boys were saying.

I embarrassed my son
because I'm not smart.

Oh, my God,

he was embarrassed by his
mother, just like I was by...

I think I lost a grape in here.

Fran, here are
the encyclopedias you wanted.

Oh, Encyclopedia Britannica.

I was really thinking
about American information.

Fran, how come you're reading
all these reference books?

You know, I'm just trying
to brush up on my education.

Did you know that you can swim
the English channel

but you cannot
climb the Berlin wall?

That's because they
tore it down when I was .

What?

Fran, these books were published
in the ' s.

Oh. Well, that explains the
"keep on trucking" bookmark.

Oh, well.
What's the use, anyway?

( Doorbell rings )

Oh, that must be the almanac
that I ordered.

You know, go, tell them that we
don't want any, we appreciate it,

thanks, but no, thanks,
don't come back.

Hello, I'm Lynn Redgrave.

Thank you very much, but
we're not interested.

We've changed our mind.
Don't come back.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Miss Redgrave, please, come in.

Oh, you know, she just has
no idea who you are.

Never get tired of hearing that.

I'm sorry, I'm a little early.
I do hope Maxwell won't mind.

Oh, no, he'll be out any minute.

I'm his wife, Fran,
and one of your biggest fans.

- Oh, really?
- Please, sit down.

Now, you know, I love that movie.
"Every Little Crook and Nanny."

Tell me, did you do a lot of research? You
know, follow around a nanny, take notes?

Oh, please, how hard is it
to pretend to be a nanny?

Not hard at all.

I'm so sorry about all the mess.

You see, I went away this
weekend with my son to Harvard,

because, well, I wanted to, you
know, get away from my worries.

But I'll tell you, I made
a big mess out of everything.

( Crying )
And I embarrassed him.

Because I'm stupid.

It's all right. It... it'll be
all right. I'm sure it will.

Would you autograph
this for me, please?

Oh, all right.

I mean, you know, for a child to
be embarrassed of their mother,

it's just k*lling me.

Could you rewrite the Fran?
It looks like "Pran."

Look, you know, if Maxwell is busy, I
mean, I could come back another time.

Did I say I loved you
in the remake of "Baby Jane?"

Just rest your head
on Lynnie's shoulder.

Oh, Miss Redgrave, please, maybe
you can teach me something.

I mean, you're so classy and
sophisticated and intelligent.

Did you think
I was better than Bette Davis?

Who?

Come on, let's schmooze.

Niles?

Niles, what's wrong?

Oh, I hate Miss Babcock's
boyfriend, Colin.

But don't worry, I'm a professional. I
won't let it interfere with my work.

Okay then.

Don't you want to know
why I hate Colon?

- Colin.
- Looks more like a colon to me.

Oh, my God, Niles,

I think you're jealous.

You have feelings
for Miss Babcock, don't you?

Why don't you just come out
and tell her?

Well, I mean, isn't it obvious?

I mean, what do I have to do?
Hit the woman over the head?

Actually, I've done that.

Oh, I'm useless, sir. I've no
reason to live. Just fire me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Why would I fire you?

Because I just
remembered Lynn Redgrave

arrived an hour ago and
I forgot to tell you.

You see,
now you've got a reason to live.

Because you've got
to start looking for a new job.

You know, darling, I could
try to teach you,

but class is really something
you're born with.

Whiz me.

Oh, thank you.

The other good trick is that you start
quoting from your favorite authors,

Joyce, Kafka, Hemingway.

Seuss.

Fran, I don't believe
I know him.

Oh, you'd love him.
Yes, you will.

You can read him on a yacht,
you can read him on a hill.

He's very big with rhyming.
Pre-Nipsey Russell.

- Lynn, you're here.
- Hi, honey. We were just...

Finishing. Lynn, why don't
we step into my office.

We'll talk about the contract,
shall we?

Oh, Miss Redgrave,
Lynnie, what can I say?

How can I ever thank you?

Did you take my cheese?

Just one other little thing.

When a guest borrows the cheese,
don't ask for it back.

It's not classy.

Oh.

What the heck
were you doing with her?

Nothing, she was just giving me a
crash-course in how to sound intelligent.

You know, Brighton doesn't want
me going to Yale because...

Oh, he's just ashamed
that I'm not smart.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

No, it's not. And what if the new
baby is embarrassed by me too?

You are smart.

Look, when I have a problem, who's
the first person I run to, hmm?

Niles.

Well, when Niles is out?

Oh, then you come to me.

Well, of course I do.

You have the kind of smarts no school
could teach. You're intuitive,

you're insightful.

Well, who could possibly
be ashamed of you?

Ah, don't come in here.

All right, it's time I got something
out of my system, Miss Babcock.

Oh, no, no, that's too
formal. Um, C.C.

Look, I've known you since
you were a little calf.

All right. It's time I got
something out in the open.

I, ah... I think it's time
you knew...

Oh, will you spit it out!

Colin just dumped me, and I have an
anonymous phone call to make to the IRS.

So you're not
seeing him anymore?

No. Now what is it you want
to get out in the open?

You. All animals
should run free.

That isn't what you
were going to say.

And why are you holding
those flowers?

I thought you'd like a snack.

You're wearing your fancy pants.

Niles has a crush on someone.

- Oh, do not.
- Niles and his girlfriend,

sitting in a tree,

D-U-S-T-I-N-G

( laughs )

All right, who is it?

Her.

Just go with me on this and
pretend you're my girlfriend.

Are you mad?

I loved you in "Georgy Girl."

Oh, rest your head
on Lynnie's shoulder.

Oh, now, come on, B,
you can't keep avoiding me.

We're going to have to
discuss this.

Look, I know
what you're going through.

I had my mother
come to school once,

and the kids said the same thing about
her that your friend said about me.

( Chuckles )
I find that hard to believe.

They said she was actually
hot and sexy?

No, they said they never saw
a back with cleavage.

What are you talking
about hot and sexy?

Well, that would be the G-rated
version of what the guys were saying.

So that's what the fight
was about? That I'm sexy?

- Which boys?
- Fran...

Oh, come on, let me enjoy this.

In a couple of months, I'm going
to look like Shamu.

Oh, I can't believe
I wasted two hours

trying to smarten up
with that Lynn Redgrave.

She's a cheese thief, you know.

Wait, what do you mean,
smarten up?

Well, I thought that you didn't
want me going to Yale

because you were ashamed of me
because you thought I was stupid.

What gave you that idea?

Her.

You know, Miss Babcock,
for your information,

I just found out
I'm not stupid, I'm sexy.

Nanny Fine, don't sell
yourself short. You're both.

Well, I am smart enough to know
I have just been insulted,

and sexy enough not to care.

Oh, this is so exciting! We're going
to see the first pictures of our baby!

Stand up straight, and if
you're a girl, arch your back.

Oh, look at that.
He's got my nose.

Actually, that's your reflection. I
haven't turned the screen on yet.

Now, before we start, do you want
to know if it's a boy or girl?

Yes. My wife decided
I want to know.

Okay, let's fire up
the baby finder.

( laughs )

Oh, gracious me,
what do we have here?

What? What?

Fran, I see four feet!

( Gasps )
Four feet?

Oh, my God, how am I ever going
to catch him when he's bad?

No Fran, no, I mean twins.

Twins.

Twins? Are you sure, doctor?

Absolutely. I'm never wrong.

Oh, my God, look,
I can see one of them!

Oh!

Look how fast
they're developing!

- Oh, my God!
- Look at all those fingers!

Do you see the size
of that thumb?

You know, I don't think
that's his thumb, babe.

That's my boy.

Oh, and it looks like
he has a little sister.

Oh! A girl.

- Or not so little.
- Oh?

Looks like we have
a little chubette here.

And that's my girl.

Fran. Fran.

Doctor, I think she's
just a little surprised.

I can't believe it.

We're going to have
a little boy and a little girl.

Plus the three we already have.

Oy, what am I going
to do with five kids?

♪ Hello world is a song that we're
singing, come on get happy ♪

♪ We had a dream,
we'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love
and then we'd keep moving' on ♪

♪ Traveling along there's a song
that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy!
We'll make you happy! ♪

( Jazz music playing )