02x04 - Material Fran

[bunniefuu]

Ah, I'll tell you,
these personals are such a joke.

Look at this,
"single white female."

That could mean anyone
from Madonna to Janet Reno.

Oh, here's one,
"exotic good looks."

I'm seeing a debilitory problem.

I ask you, what kind of a loser shells
out bucks for one of these?

How do you know
how much it costs?

Niles, clean up that mess.
What mess?

That one.

Sweetie, don't forget your RSVP
for Jody's slumber party.

I don't want to go.

Why not? Sweetie, you get
to eat like a pig,

make funny phone calls,
and throw your guts up.

It's a very special time
in a little girl's life.

Sure it sounds like fun, but I don't
know if I can sleep without my bear.

So take Teddy with you?

Everybody will make fun of me.
You have no idea how cruel children can be.

Honey, I've had this voice since
the second grade. Need I say more?

I just don't know if I can sleep alone.

Oh, don't worry. You get used to it.

Oh, look. Here's a gem.

"Young bi-couple dig snakes,

contact Naomi, P.O. Box ,

no weirdos."

Niles, move it with the food.

These society women are vultures.
Where's the pate?

Why don't you just lie on the floor
and let them peck at your liver?

This luncheon is very important.

These women are deciding between contributing
to our show and the children's milk fund.

I don't want any thirsty little
brats b*ating me out of that money.

Fran, I need a favor. Billy Hartwell
wants to take me to a concert.

Oh, great. What concert?
You wouldn't know them.

Maggie, how old do you think I am?
The Stone Temple Pilots.

I'm .

So why? You want me to ask
your father if you can go?

And ... The concert's
kind of sold out.

So could you ask him
if he could get us tickets too?

Oh, sure, Mags, you want
backstage passes, fake I.D.'s,

the whole fat-chance package?

Thanks, Fran.

I don't know what they expect from me.
These are hands, not wands.

Although they have performed
magic in their day.

Niles, you know what those women pay
to get that stuff sucked out of them?

I beg your pardon ... Miss Babcock
specifically requested fat-free cream puffs.

Oh, come on, this is loaded
with butter, eggs, and heavy cream.

There's enough cholesterol
in there to k*ll them.

Oh, really?

Ladies, it is my very great pleasure
to introduce my very dear,

very close personal friend,
Maxwell Sheffield.

Who are these boring,
dreadful women again?

They're wives of very rich men.
Ladies.

Brighten,

Brighten give her back that
damn bear, you little...

Oh, hello. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Fake Chanel.

Kathy Marie O'Mally?
Oh, my God.

I'm terribly sorry. Do I know you?
Kathy, it's me, Fran Fine, from Flushing Heights.

Wow! They did a great job on your teeth.
Look, your chin comes forward and everything.

I don't know... Oh, and you
finally got yourself a pair of...

This is Kathrine Porter
of the Park Avenue Porters.

Now if I let you breathe again,
will you go away?

Promise?

I hope those are saline because...

Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop.

Why do you have to act so crude
for at at such a fancy party?

Well, I'm just kidding around.
Yeah, well, have a little class.

Now go help Niles clear. And remember I got
dibs on all the leftovers with no cigarette butts.

You know, Brighten's right.
I can't live without I my bear.

Let's face it, I'm codependent,
and Teddy's my enabler.

Sweetie, I know it's tough.

I've had to ween myself off
of lots of stuff.

Caffeine, cigarettes, my ex-boyfriend,
Danny, and that was really tough.

Every time somebody burped garlic,
I got a craving.

Oh, Fran, I'll try.

Oh, good girl.

But I'm going to miss
his furry little body.

That's the same way
I felt about Danny.

Hi. Are the leftovers ready yet?
Yeah, help yourself.

Take that one.
Just eat around the lipstick.

Oh, you are never going to guess
who is at the party out there.

Kathy Marie O'Mally.
Get out of here. Are you sure?

Yeah.
Does she still have the shag?

No. And she's nowhere without it.
Has she aged?

Like a bowl of fruit.

Has she had any work done?
More than L.A. after the quake.

Meow Mix, ladies?

Excuse me. Could somebody please
point me to the powder room?

Ah, yeah. Sure.

Cause I busted out of gym class,
and I'm dying for a smoke.

Hey ...

Kathy,
I knew it was you.

I was just telling Val how
gorgeous you look.

So what's with the act?

Ah, what about
Mr. French over there?

Oh, Niles, you can trust him.
He's like Shultz.

I know nothing, nothing.

So what are you doing here?
Oh, I married up.

Wow!
What are you doing here?

I'm the nanny.
Oh ...

What?
Oh, nothing.

You know, I mean, it's just everybody
thought you were really going places.

Oh, well, I showed them.

You remember Val?

I'm blank.
Oh, sure you do.

Remember when we all used to go
to Rye Beach Playland?

Val would get up early and stand
in a parking spot until we'd get this.

Those were the days.
Oh, yeah.

So how'd you meet Mr. Right?
I sued him.

Wow! How romantic.

He rear ended me.
I'm not into that.

Now I remember you.

You know, my husband has a partner.
Oh, Franny, you should meet him. He's loaded.

Oh, no. I couldn't date anyone
just cause he was rich.

What are you prejudice?

You going to hold it against him
because he's got two Ferraris?

Oh, well, it's not really his fault.

A house in Monte Carlo?

When did I get so intolerant?
A private jet and a diamond mind.

Oh, you're right. I'm a bigot.
I should be ashamed of myself.

I'm going to have
to work through it.

I can't believe
I'm going on this date.

I mean the man is a millionaire.

I'm just a simple girl
with simple tastes.

Where's my other earring?
I'm changing the bulb.

Fran, can you ask dad about the concert
before you leave? I'll die
if I don't find out tonight.

Oh, well, we wouldn't want that to happen.
I get paid less with only two kids ...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield ...
No ...

Oh, all right. Forget it.
Fran ...

Oh, no Maggie. Give it up. I mean
he can't get you that those tickets.

He doesn't have
those kind of connections.

I beg your pardon. I can get tickets
to any show on Broadway.

Oh, Broadway. Sure, of course.

I mean, you know, if she wants
to go see Ann Miller in "Sugar Babies",

you'll be the first one we call.
But this is the rock world, you know.

I mean it's way out of your sphere.

I'll have you know I was staging
happenings on Carnaby Street

while you were still scouring the semiannual clearance sale at Toys R Us.

Does the word "Donovan" mean
anything you to?

Oh, I loved him.

"They call me mellow yellow" ...

Quite rightly.

Meanwhile, explain to me
"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

The girl with colitis goes by?

I always thought that was
very distasteful.

That's the girl with kaleidoscope
eyes, Miss Fine.

Oh ...

Leave it to Flushing to turn a beautiful
image into a bowel dysfunction.

Well, don't you worry, Maggie.
I will get you those tickets.

Electrical banana ...

Let's hope that's not hereditary.

Thank you, so much, Fran.
That was awesome.

Oh, well, I might be old, but
the noodle is still sharp as a tack.

Oh, my God, Nanny Fine. Don't tell
me you're wearing that cheap tacky dress

to meet Richard Porter's oldest friend.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.

You'd have to be dead
six months to fit into it.

Wow, this could be
the man of my dreams.

He could be handsome.
He could be sexy ...

or he could be my grandfather.

How do you do?
I'm Theodore Timmons.

When you said he was Richard Porter's
oldest friend, you weren't kidding.

Theo, I'm Fran.

I hope you're not disappointed?
I know I'm not.

Oh ... please, come in.
Sit down.

I couldn't decide between
flowers and candy.

Oh, well, isn't that the old age
question... age old, age old.

You're a, a beautiful young woman.

Be still my heart.
Not too still.

Oh ... Theo, stop.
Woops! Don't fall.

My God, what on earth are
all these flowers for?

Either Miss Fine's date with
Mr. Timmons went extremely well

or he d*ed and we're
hosting the wake.

Oh, poor thing. And she was so
looking forward to this date.

I just hope he isn't using her
to get to her bone marrow.

All right. Decorum.

She's probably humiliated enough without
walking in and finding us laughing at her.

Yeah, you're right. Poor thing.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, would you look at all these
flowers for a handshake.

What do you get for
a goodnight kiss? Holland?

What?

Bam-pa-pa-bam ...

Miss Fine, aren't you a little
overdressed for breakfast?

Oh, well, obviously you've never been
to morning services at Temple Emanuel.

I, I take it the date of
a crowning success.

Thank you, Sheckie Sheffield.

Actually, it went a lot better
than I expected it to.

For starters, he lived through it.

All right. So he's a little
more mature than I'm used to.

Mature? Fran, we're talking
"Encino Man."

Does he at least have a good body?
Oh, honey, you know Fabio?

Put his feet on Burgess Meredith.

Well, I'm glad to see you're not
taking this too seriously.

Who said I wasn't? He happens
to be very sweet, very witty,

and just full of cash...
I mean life.

I don't know,
he just makes me feel young.

Miss Fine, he would make Stonehenge feel young.

Ah, you know, Maggie, Theo owns
a couple of recording labels.

Maybe he could get you those
tickets to the concert?

I said I'd get those tickets,
and get them I shall.

Oh, well, maybe he could get
you backstage passes?

Back stage?
I'll get her on the stage.

They'll even break a bloody
guitar over her blasted head.

Cool.

Miss Fine, Mr. Timmons to see you.
Oh ...

Sheffield, I'm sorry to
interrupt your breakfast,

but I, I just had to see
my baby doll.

Oh... Well, I guess
I'm the only baby doll here.

Oh... Theo.

I had the sweetest dreams last night,
and they were all about you.

Oh, Theo. Stop. Whoa!

You were covered in diamonds, kiddo.

Oh, Theo, you are so extravagant,

but really, let's get to know
each other first. Honestly,

a good conversation to me is worth
more than all the jewels in the world.

Do you want to have dinner in Paris?
Enough said.

Talk about elegance, this is the first time
I've ever been in a toilet on a plane

where I didn't feel like I was going
to be sucked out over the Atlantic ...

Thank you ...

Say, are they even going
to say two words to us?

I mean how am I going to get to
know Theo better...

Franny, leave them alone.

Every minute they don't talk to us,
they make another million.

Well, money is nice, but there are more
important things than... is that lobster?

Hey, babe
Not now, I'm eating

Aren't you going to eat too?
No, I'm going to nap.

How could you nap with .
a pound staring you in the face?

Franny, stick with me, and you will
be sleeping through caviar.

I hate waste.

How's the champagne?
Oh, it's nice and dry.

You know, at Sizzler they take
it out of the shell ...

Oh, Theo, you know, I've never been
to Paris, but I've always wanted to go,

ever since the "Facts of Life"
girls went there.

Babe, you and Kathy do the town.
Buy whatever you want.

What? I'm not going to see you all day?
Oh, look at that little lip, like a baby.

Theo, I'm serious.
I don't want to go all alone.

Whatever you say, baby.

Kathy, baby, come
sit in daddy's lap.

What's he going to do?
Burp you? If he wants.

I thought the Eiffel Tower leans.

No, Val.

That's Big Ben.
Oh.

What's eating you?

Oh, I'm breaking up with Theo.
Why?

Because he takes me to Paris,
and all I did was fly in a private jet,

shop at the finest stores, eat
in a five-star restaurant, and go home.

Drop dead.

Val, he doesn't care about what
I have to say.

I'm nothing but window dressing
to him, a beautiful ornament.

Vanna White.

You love Vanna.

I know. But I don't want to be her.

I want to buy the vowels.
I want to solve the puzzle.

Oh, Fran, you should write that down.

I want a relationship,
a real relationship.

Like Luke and Laura.

Fran, listen to what you're saying.
It's ridiculous.

Luke would never leave her again.

Val, you're going to have
to move away from those power lines.

All I'm saying is that I need
a guy that cares about what I think.

Miss Fine, what do you think?

I've got these concert tickets for Maggie,
but now I'm having second thoughts
about letting her go.

You know, we're really in
the middle of something here.

Why don't you get another pair.
We'll sit a couple of rows back;
we'll keep an eye on her.

Oh, excellent idea, Miss Fine.
What would I do without you?

All I'm saying is
I need a guy who needs me.

The driver is here. Are these all
the things you want sent back to Mr. Timmons?

Yes.

Let me see your hands.
No.

Must I get the poultry shears?

Oh, all right, but Niles ...

diamonds are a girl's best friend,
and now I'm all alone.

Oh, you've still got plenty of friends.
Mr. Rhinestone and Mr. Zircon come to mind.

God, I can hardly hear myself think.

Drink?
No, I don't want a drink.

Wasn't that opening act awful?
What a joke.

Coke? Yeah, sure,
I'm in the mood.

I'll have some food.
Let's get a hot dog.

Hot dog and a coke, please.

"I Want To Hold Your Hand,"
that was music. Wasn't it?

"She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Now those were lyrics.
Brilliant.

Who can relate to a song
"Dead and Bloated"?

Unless you've been to
my mother's for Thanksgiving.

There you go, Miss Fine.
Oh, thanks. Um, yummy.

I don't know.
I feel a thousand years old.

Try hiking up your underwear,
pulling down your pants a little,

then you'll fit right in.

Ha. You first.
Ha, ha, ha.

Well, I'll tell you, you want
to feel young, hang out with Theo.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Fine.

I think if you had played your cards right,
it wouldn't have been long before
you were a very wealthy woman.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of bimbos
that grew old and d*ed waiting for George Burns.

I need someone
I can share things with.

Thanks, I'm so parched.

You know, you're
absolutely right.

A good relationship has to
be about give and take.

Hum?
Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Besides, you have to have stuff
you can have in common.

Uh-huh. Catsup and mustard,
just the way I like it. Oh, sure.

I hope I didn't break his little heart.
Um ...

Although he does have a couple of
new valves in there.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Miss Fine.
He seems to have made a full recovery.

He's probably with
some really young chippie.

Cee Cee?

It seems she's inherited
your earrings, Miss Fine.

Well, I've got news for her.

They're nothing without the necklace.

Ow! Ow!

That's right, sweetie.

Keep snapping that rubber band
every time you think of the bear.

It's called "negative reinforcement,"
and it really works.

Yeah, but now my watch
doesn't fit anymore.

Hey, tell me about it.
When I quit smoking,

I had a wrist that was the size of
my Aunt Frida's ankle after
she had salty fish.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Congratulations. Today is
the first day of the rest of your life.

Hi, Gracie.

Ah, we'll be right back.