05x19 - Top Secret

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Brady Bunch". Aired: September 1969 to March 1974.*
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A woman with three daughters marries a widower with three sons.
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05x19 - Top Secret

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of
a man named brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men
living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the brady bunch ♪

♪ The brady bunch ♪

♪ The brady bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the brady bunch ♪

[Chuckling]

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it, boys.

Mrs. Brady? Yes?

Fred sanders, special agent,
federal bureau of investigation.

(Carol) the f.b.i.? Yes, ma'am.

Is mr. Brady at home?

Well, yes, he is.

Uh, step in, please.

Right this way.

Oh, uh, this is my son, bobby

And my nephew, oliver.
This is mr. Sanders. Hi.

Are you really an f.b.i. Agent?

That's right, son.

Well, who's in trouble?

Oh, nobody's in
trouble, young man.

Uh, I think my husband's
in the den. This way.

Wow, the f.b.i.! Right
here in our house!

I wonder what in the world
he wants to see my dad for.

Well, if your dad's
involved with the f.b.i,

It's got to be
something really big.

Sorry to bother you, mr. Brady,

But I have to clear up a
couple of minor points

On the form you filled out
for your security clearance.

Oh, I see. Security clearance?

Relax, honey. We're
designing a building

For a classified
government project,

And I have to be cleared by the
agency involved before I can work on it.

It's just routine, mrs.
Brady. The law requires it.

Aw, shucks.

I was hoping mike was
an international spy.

[All laughing]

Thanks for your
cooperation, mr. Brady.

Oh, happy to be of
service, mr. Sanders.

And nice meeting you, mrs.
Brady. Thank you. You, too.

Bye-bye.

Well.

Honey, what is it about
those 3 letters, f-b-i,

That always make me nervous?

Obviously, it's a
guilty conscience.

Want to tell me about
your sordid past?

[Laughing] I do not.

What's up, dad? (Mike) huh?

Are you working with
the f.b.i., Uncle mike?

Oh, hold it, you two. No,
I'm not working for the f.b.i.

So don't let your imaginations
run away with you, huh?

Well then, why was
that f.b.i. Agent here?

Bob, it was just a routine
visit on a routine matter

On a routine job I'm
doing for the government.

Right. And he just wanted to ask
your father some routine questions.

About what? Routine spies?

Sorry, boys, no spies.
Just a security clearance.

(Bobby) security clearance?

Wow!

No, no. There's no
"wow" about it, now.

It's nothing. So just
forget about it. Ok?

You know why he
wants us to forget it?

No. Why?

Because it must be
a secret f.b.i. Thing.

Well, have you been
practicing? Yeah.

Here comes greg and peter.

Keep it cool about
the f.b.i., Huh?

Hey, you guys want to
play basketball? No, thanks.

We've got more
important things to do.

Like what?

Nothing.

If it's nothin', how
can it be important?

Let's go, oliver.

Hey, come on. You opened
the can, now spill the beans.

We can't 'cause
it's a big secret.

Oliver, I told you
to play it cool.

What do you mean? I didn't
say anything about the f.b.i. Man

Comin' over here to see us.

An f.b.i. Man was
here? In this house?

Come on, you two,
quit stallin'. Spill it.

Ok, but you'll have
to keep it top secret.

Even uncle mike and aunt carol are
trying to pretend like it never happened.

What never happened?

Well, it's possible

That dad is working on
an assignment for the f.b.i.

Now, I got a secret for you two.

What? Come here.

You're nuts!

[Both laughing]

Oh, alice!

[Sniffing] oh, it
smells delicious.

What is it?

Well, it's, uh,
monday's corned beef,

Tuesday's rice,
wednesday's mushrooms,

And thursday's tomatoes.

Uh, what do you
call a dish like that?

Friday's mess?

[All laughing]

Hi, everybody. (All) hi.

(Carol) did we order
any meat, sam?

Oh, not today, mrs. Brady.
This is a personal visit.

Oh. Well, the more
personal, the better.

[Chuckles]

I have a favor to ask mr. Brady.

That wasn't the kind
of personal I had in mind.

A favor of mr. Brady?

Uh, yes, but I'd rather
not discuss it at this time.

Oh.

Can you give us a hint?

Well, I can tell you this much.

When the proper
time does come, alice,

You will be the first to know.

Is mr. Brady at home?

Oh, yes. He's in the
den, sam. Go right on in.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I wonder what it is that I'm
gonna be the first to know.

He said it was
something personal.

Requiring a favor of mr. Brady.

Well, mr. Brady's an architect

And architects build things

Like houses, honeymoon cottages.

Alice, you don't suppose...

(Sam) hey, hiya, fellas.

How come you guys haven't
been by the butcher shop lately?

Oh, uh, we've been busy.

Yeah, and we're
gonna be even busier.

Hmm. Sounds like you're
working on a pretty big project.

Yeah, big.

Yeah, well, I'm working
on a big project myself.

That's how come I
gotta see your uncle.

Oh, what kind of project, sam?

Sorry. Can't talk.
Top secret stuff.

See you later, guys.

I'm being carried
away. It can't be.

Why not?

Well, I've jumped to
that conclusion before

And I always fell right
flat on my hope chest.

Nope. I refuse
to think about it.

Alice, how can you
not think about it?

Willpower.

I have always been wrong
before, and so I won't think about it.

You have to be right sometime.

And this could be the time.

Let's think about it.

Top secret stuff.

Maybe he's on the f.b.i.
Mission with uncle mike.

Oliver, sam's a butcher.

Hey, what a fantastic
cover for an f.b.i. Agent.

Nobody in the whole world
would suspect a butcher.

You did.

Well, uh, what's
the favor then, sam?

Well, I need some
plans, mr. Brady.

You see, the store
next to mine is vacant.

And mr. Gronsky,
he's my landlord,

He told me that if
I want to enlarge,

He's gonna give
me first sh*t at it,

But I have to let
him know by friday.

Wow. Why so soon?

Well, gronsky's got
other tenants waiting.

You see, but I don't
want to make a decision

Until I see some plans so I get
an idea of what it's gonna cost me.

Now, I'd be delighted to
pay you for this, mr. Brady.

Oh, that's no problem, sam.

I mean, uh, friday's
a bit soon, but, um...

Look, I'll tell you
what I could do:

I can make you some
very preliminary sketches

And some very rough estimates

Of what it might
cost you by then.

Oh, gee, that's terrific,
mr. Brady. That's great.

And one more little favor,
if I could impose on you? Yeah.

I... I... I want you to keep it

Kind of strictly
confidential between us. Yeah.

You see, if it does go through,

I wanna surprise alice.

Let her know I'm a
big meat mogul, huh.

I won't say a word, sam.

Oh, great, mr. Brady.

Oh, oh, here. I'd
like to show you

A couple of ideas
that I have here. Huh?

Just a couple of little
sketches that I made

That might help you...

Oh, excuse the liver, mr. Brady.

Now, right over here

I thought we could
put a counter...

[Sighing]

What can I do to look older?

Worry a lot about looking older.

Wait till I tell you
the fantastic news!

(Jan) what?

You have to keep it secret.

Oh, I love keeping secrets
more than anything.

You mean, you love telling
secrets more than anything.

Oh, come on, I'm older
now. You can trust me.

How can I be sure?

Oh, marcia, trust her already,

Or I'll bust!

Ok, but not a word to anyone.

It looks like sam is finally
going to ask alice to marry him!

That's great! That's
fantastic! How do you know?

Did sam say so?

He didn't have to.

Did alice say so?

She didn't have to.

Did mom say so?

She didn't have to, either.

Then who told you they
were getting married?

Nobody.

That's good enough for me.

Me, too.

I can't believe it!

That's great!

♪ [Humming]

You know, oliver,
you could be right.

Well, sure. It all adds up.

Yeah. Well, we'd better find
out more about sam first,

And alice is the person to ask.

Let's grill her!

We got to take it smooth

So she doesn't know we are.

Boy, you sure do
know how to operate.

[Laughing] well, thanks. I used to
watch mission impossible a lot.

Come on.

[Continues humming]

(Oliver) hi, alice. Hi, kids.

Hey, you know, we
just ran into sam. Yeah?

What a great guy sam really is.

Yeah, sam's super.

Well, I'm sure he'll be glad
to know he's got a fan club.

How did you happen to
meet such a fantastic guy?

I met him at a dance
while he was in the army.

I've still got a scar on my
ankle from those combat boots.

Oh, sam was in the army, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Did he happen to
be in intelligence?

Where all the spies hang out?

As a matter of fact I don't
know what sam did in the army.

He never mentions it.

Well, uh, I bet you know a lot
of other things about him, right?

Only the important things.

Like what?

He's 6 feet tall and 200 pounds
of unbudgeable bachelor

And anything else is trivia.

Hi, sam. Hi, sam.

Hey, hey, hiya, kids.

What can I do for you?

Do you have an order of
meat for us to pick up for alice?

No.

Oh, well,

We just thought we'd come by to
make sure that you didn't have one.

Oh, good.

(Oliver) well, what's new, sam?

Oh, nothing. What's
new with you?

(Bobby) alice was tellin' us
that you were in the army.

[Laughing] oh, she did, huh?

I bet you were a big hero, huh?

Well, I did my share.

Is that all?

We kind of suspected that you'd
done something real important.

Say, how would
you guys like to hear

How I stole the enemy
codebook single-handed?

You did?

(Sam) you betcha.

It was in the middle
of this enemy camp, see,

Surrounded by g*ns and
tanks and planes and whatever.

I had to overpower
3 guards to bust in.

With karate, huh?

[Karate cries]

Right. Karate, jujitsu,
kung-phooey. The works.

A chop here, a kick there.

They never knew what hit 'em.

Then I grabbed the codebook

And I took it on the run.

Oh, didn't they capture you?

Hmm, not sly sam, pal.

I simply borrowed a uniform

From one of the
guards that I'd clobbered

And I waltzed
out, neat as a pin.

Wow! I bet you
got a medal for it.

Can we see it?

Uh, um... Oh, sorry, fellows.

You see, it was a
top secret mission.

Now, if they gave medals
for a thing like that,

It wouldn't be top secret
anymore, now, would it?

That's right.

[Chuckling] see?

(Sam) oh, hiya, mr. Gronsky.

Excuse me, would you, fellas?
I got some important business.

You got the plans
from brady yet, sam?

Well, he won't
have 'em till friday.

Friday is the
deadline, sam! I know.

So, if you want to
enlarge... [Exclaiming]

Would you step over
here a minute, mr. Gronsky?

Look, I don't want those
brady kids to hear about this

Because they might tell alice.

They're talking about the plans.

Yeah. Then that guy
must be a spy, too.

Yeah, but for the other side.

He wants sam to get the
plans away from my dad.

But if that guy's the
enemy, sam must be, too.

That's right, and if he is,

Then sam's secretly
working against my dad.

You know what, oliver? What?

And once I see the
plans, I'll have an idea

Of what it's gonna cost.

Sam's a double agent.

What are you doing?

Um, listen, you guys.

Oliver and I think we're
onto something really big,

And we want to know
what you think about it.

About what?

About sam, the butcher.

What about sam?

Well, you see, we think
he's working for the f.b.i.

And the enemy.

He's a double agent.

You mean you think he's
sellin' hamburger to both sides?

[Gasps]

[Both laughing]

Come on. We're
serious, you guys.

Yeah. Seriously
sick in the head.

Hey, why don't you guys just
get off this stupid spy kick?

Well, look at the evidence.

The f.b.i. Comes
over to see dad.

Then sam comes over to see
dad about some top secret plans.

Then today we see this
suspicious-looking guy

In sam's butcher shop

Asking sam if he's gotten
the plans away from dad yet.

Yeah.

So sam must be secretly
working against dad and the f.b.i.

It figures, doesn't it?

You know, pete,

I think these 2 guys may be
onto something big at that.

I think you're right.

W-what should we do about it?

Well, you're gonna have to
have enough evidence on sam

To make a conviction
stick if they nab him, see?

Well, how do we do that?

The old talcum powder routine.

What's that?

Come here.

You see, uh, talcum powder
leaves traces in the hair

And on clothing under
certain conditions.

What kind of conditions?

These!

[Both laughing]

What a dirty trick.

Boy, you just can't
trust anyone over 12.

[Ringing]

Hello? Ah, good morning, sam.

Good morning, mr. Brady.

Say, I just called up to see if
the plans were ready today.

They're all ready. I
finished 'em last night.

Oh, that's terrific, mr. Brady.

Say, is it ok if I stop by this
afternoon and pick 'em up?

Sure. I'll leave 'em on my
drawing board in my den

With your name on the envelope.

Oh, gee, I certainly
appreciate this, mr. Brady.

And I want you to know
that no matter what it costs,

I wanna pay for it.

Don't worry about it, sam. Just
give me my meat wholesale. Ok?

[Chuckles]


Ok. Goodbye.

Mike. Huh?

What is all this business
between you and sam?

Honey, sam asked me specifically
not to mention it to anybody,

And I promised him I
wouldn't. I gave him my word.

Now, you wouldn't want me to
violate that confidence, would you?

Yes.

No.

Mrs. Brady.

Mrs. Brady.

What is it, alice?

There's an envelope
here with sam's name on it.

Yes, I know. Mr. Brady
left it for sam to pick up.

Did he give you any kind of an
inkling of what might be inside?

Not an ink. He clammed
up like an oyster.

Alice, I'm dying to
know what's inside.

You're dying? I'm halfway
between rigor and mortis.

Well, do you think you
should take a little peek?

No, I better not.

I mean, that's sam's
private business,

And if 2 people are gonna have
any kind of a relationship at all,

They've got to learn to respect
each other's privacy and trust.

Nothing fell out.

I'll get it, alice.

Oops. Dropped it.

[Chuckles]

Boy, they sure don't make
flimsy envelopes like they used to.

Well, whatever is in there,

I hope it's got a little
white picket fence around it.

[All chattering]

Mom, we can't
decide on something.

So would you please
be the tie-breaker?

What tie am I breaking?

Well, we've pooled our money,
but we can't decide on a wedding gift

For alice and sam.

Oh, now, that's very
sweet of you kids,

But we're not even sure
about the wedding yet.

Well, just in case, I think we
should get 'em something nice,

Like a kitchen appliance.

I think they'd
appreciate a clock radio.

What do you think, cindy?

Well, I think we should get
them something they really need.

What?

An electric popcorn popper.

[Chuckling] I can see you
plan to visit them a lot.

Oh, yeah. What do
you vote for, mom?

None of the above.

When it comes to weddings,

Hold your horses till
you're sure about the groom.

[Door closing]

Hi, everybody.

(Children) hi. Hi, sam.

Say, I just stopped by

To pick up some plans that
mr. Brady left for me in his den.

Oh, yes, we've been
expecting you, sam.

Anything special in those plans?

Very special.

Is it ok if I go get them?

Oh, sure, go right ahead.
They're on mr. Brady's desk

In a very strong envelope.

Oh, thank you.

[Sighing] he'd be so nice to
throw rice at, wouldn't he?

[All laughing] mmm-hmm.

Oh, hiya, fellas.

Uh, I just stopped by
to pick something up.

I'll see you guys later.
I'm in kind of a hurry.

Boy, talk about cool. You
see how he just waltzes in,

Grabs the plans and
then waltzes back out?

That proves it.
Sam's a double agent.

Yeah.

There's only one thing to
do. We gotta warn my dad.

Oh, I only wish we had
a push-button phone.

[Rasping]

H-hello. Is mr. Brady there?

Oh, he did?

Uh, uh, no. No
message. I'll call back.

He just stepped
out of his office.

We'll have to call back.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yeah, sam. Did
you get the sketches?

I sure did, mr. Brady,

But, uh, me and
mr. Gronsky here,

Uh, well, we're confused
about a couple of things.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, now, if we knew we
wouldn't be confused, would we?

[Sam laughing]

No, I mean, we just don't understand
a couple of these fancy sketches.

Uh, well, look, sam,
I'm just leaving now.

Why don't I drop by
in, say, half an hour.

We'll see if we can't
straighten it all out.

Oh, that'll be
terrific, mr. Brady.

I really appreciate it. Bye.

Bye-bye.

He'll be here in a half an hour.

Good! I'll come back.

I want to get this
thing settled today.

Fine, fine.

Hello. Did mr. Brady get back?

This is his son again.

He left again?

Well, did he say where he was
going? It's really important.

Oh. Well, thanks. Bye.

Boy, we got a big problem.

What?

Dad's on his way to
sam's butcher shop,

And if sam gets a hold of him...

We gotta cut him off.

Hey, hiya, fellas.
What can I do for you?

Has my dad been here yet?

Not yet, but I'm
expecting him any minute.

Oh, that reminds me.

I never finished that army
story I was telling you fellas

When you were in here before.

Now, let's see, uh,
where did I leave off?

[Sharpening cleaver] uh...
Oh, oh, I remember.

I'd stolen the codebook,

And I was on my way
back to the platoon, see,

When suddenly this enemy
general pops up right in front of me.

But before he
can get his g*n up...

[Cleaver thudding] chop-o!

Chop-o?

Chop-o!

I took him completely
by surprise.

So, you see, fellas,
if you're ever in a jam,

The element of surprise
is your best w*apon.

Surprise, huh?

Oh, hiya, mr. Gronsky.

Hello, sam.

Did that mr. Brady show up yet?

Not yet, but I'm expecting
him any minute. Any minute.

All right.

Listen, while we're waiting,

I'll check out that freezer
you were complainin' about.

Oh, good idea.

Excuse me a minute,
would you, fellas?

They must be planning
to jump my dad

And then lock him up
in that freezer. Yeah.

Remember what sam just said:

"The element of surprise
is your best w*apon." Yeah!

And have we got a
surprise for them.

Come on.

Ok, on 3.

1, 2, 3!

Quick, dad, call the f.b.i.!

Sam's a double agent! Say what?

(Bobby) he sold you
out to gronsky!

And they're gonna freeze you!

Hold it, hold it,
boys. What's going on?

[Pounding on door]

[Inaudible]

What are they
doing in the freezer?

We locked them in to save you.

Get... You got to get
out of here, uncle mike.

I don't believe this.

(Bobby) but, dad!

[Both laughing]

How about that? Me,
sam the butcher, a spy.

Or, me a spy, too.

Yeah, but you're
just an ordinary spy.

I'm a double agent.

[Exclaiming]

Oh, boys, boys.

How in the world could you
boys believe something like that?

Well, I didn't at first.

But, then it got easier.

I think it's partly
my fault, mr. Brady.

Those army stories I told them

Were a little exaggerated.

Well, maybe so. But I hope you
boys understand what can happen

When you jump to conclusions
without getting all the facts.

Well, no jumpin' for
me anymore, uncle mike.

Me, neither.

And locking
somebody in a freezer,

You know that can be dangerous.

Well, we were just gonna to
keep 'em in there till you came.

Well, look, don't lock
anybody in anything anymore.

Ok?

Ok, we won't.

You sure you're not mad at us?

No. It's ok, fellas.

Yeah, forget it, boys.

[Chuckles]

Me a spy.

[Both laughing]

Wait'll I tell
the wife and kids.

I'm sorry about the
whole thing, fellas.

Oh, that's ok, mr. Brady.

But I'll tell you one thing.

This is one spy who's glad
he came in from the cold.

[Both laughing]

[Doorbell rings]

[Vacuum stops whirring]

Oh, hi, sam. Hi, alice.

I just stopped by to drop
this envelope off to mr. Brady.

Sam, you and I have been
going together too long

To keep secrets
from one another.

Yeah, I'm sorry, alice, but I'm just
not ready to reveal my secret just yet.

You implied that I was
involved in whatever is goin' on.

Well, you are, in a way.

Then I insist on knowing.

Alice. I not only
insist, I demand to know.

Oh, come on!

Ok, ok.

Look, I'm thinking of
enlarging my butcher shop,

And mr. Brady drew
up these plans for me.

Uh-huh?

That's the big secret?

So, now you know.

I don't wanna know.

What do you mean,
you don't wanna know?

Alice, look, we're not just
destined for ground round.

Think of chateaubriand.

Look, I'm changing the
name. It's going to be...
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