01x07 - Make Rebecca Great Again

[bunniefuu]

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Trevor, no.
The bag has to go all the way in, okay?

Use all the space. Out the way. Thank you.

What's gone on back here? Right.

These need to be moved around, 'cause
this is gonna jiggle about, otherwise.

Now, can we move... Hello?

There's someone in here. Oh, my God.

Hey, almost forgot. You know
how we're playing Everton tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's not a town.

- It's actually a team in Liverpool!
- Like the Beatles!

If you see John, Paul, George or Ringo,
will you take a picture, please?

Hey, you got it, big guy.

Okay, hey,
I better get a roll on here, all right?

Okay. And Mom wants to talk to you.
Hold on.

- I love you, buddy.
- Love you too.

Still haven't told him
John and George are dead?

They're what?

It was Keith Richards.

Hey, Ted.

- Hey. How you doing?
- Good.

How's work going? Everything all right?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy,
but the paperwork the lawyer sent?

I know. Oh, hey.

Got it right here.

I'll, uh, look it all over, sign it,
send it right back. I promise.

Okay, thanks. Hey, good luck tomorrow.
We'll be watching.

All right now.

Whoo-hoo!

- Girls' trip!
- Mm. Liverpool, here we come.

I just want to say up front

that I'm really flattered
you asked me to come this weekend.

Oh. Come on now.

But, hey, we're both single.
I think you are super hot.

If I'm gonna dip my toe back
into the lady pool,

I can't think of a finer body of water
to do it with than you.

No. Keeley, I think you're confused.

I was, at first.
Then I was like, "Come on, Keeley.

Blow off some steam and have
some wicked sex with your new friend."

I'm f*cking with you.

Oh, my God.

I thought you were being serious.
I mean, can you imagine?

Oh, I have.

Do-da do-da do do do do doo

Looks like we have a new passenger
on today's flight.

Actually, Keeley will be taking your seat
on the jet, Higgins.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'm gonna go spend a penny
before we take off.

See you downstairs, Rebecca.

Oh, that's okay. I always
enjoy the antics on the team bus.

No. I need you to stay here this weekend.

Doing work that doesn't matter.

All right, gentlemen. Who's ready
to go show Everton what we got?

Whoo!

Thank you, Dani.

Jeez, Louise.
Why's everybody so down in the dumps?

What happened?
Did Beyoncé dump Jay-Z or something?

No, nothing like that.

Thank goodness. Just saying it out loud
made me immediately sad.

Let me see what's going on here.

Hey, guys. Seriously, come on.
Talk to me. What's up?

Well, we're fine.

Mm.

- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Okay.

We're in a sh*t f*cking mood because
we never f*cking win at Everton

and it sucks f*cking sh*t!

Ah, come on, fellas.

How long has it been
since y'all won up at Everton?

- Sixty years ago.
- Jesus Christ.

Wow. That is a heck of a long time. Okay.

So we got that going on.

And obviously we're bummed out
that O'Brien tore his butt.

It's my upper hamstring, Coach.

You tore your butt, son. There's nothing
to be ashamed of, okay? It happens.

People tear their butts all the time
in athletics. You're not alone, man.

Hey, Coach,
you've torn your butt a few times, right?

- Three times.
- Three times.

Butt's an amazing muscle.
God as my witness, your butt will heal.

The silver lining here,
with O'Brien's tore butt,

is that my man from Montreal is
gonna be filling in at goalie.

- Give it up for Zorro.
- Oh. It's pronounced, um, "Zoreaux."

- I'm sorry. Zorro.
- "Zoreaux."

You... I don't know
what I'm doing wrong here.

Point is, gentlemen,
unless one of y'all got a crystal ball,

we don't know
what's gonna happen tomorrow.

That's why we play the game.

So let me hear it! Richmond on three!
One, two, three!

- Richmond!
- Right, come on. Let's go.

- Hey, Coach.
- Howdy, fellas. How can I help you?

Um, so, uh, since Jamie Tartt
has gone back to Man City,

uh, you've lost one, you've drawn one,
you've not scored any goals.

- Yeah.
- So I'm wondering,

how worried are you
about the thr*at of relegation?

Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned
with the definition of relegation.

What you got for me, Marcus?

Just wanted to know how you're feeling
about the departure of Jamie Tartt.

Yeah. Um...

Well, if I'm being honest,
it, uh, breaks my heart a little.

I think one of the neatest things
about being a coach

is the connection you get to make
with your players.

That's a loss that hits me a lot harder
and is gonna stay with me a lot longer

than anything that happens
while playing a game on a patch of grass.

All right.
See you fellas in Liverpool, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh. Hey!
Last one there is a Scotch egg! Whoo!

What?

Hey, there he is.

- Good to see you, buddy.
- All right, let's go.

Here we go. It's the presidential suite.
Hope it's to your satisfaction.

Would you like me to show you
the various room amenities?

No, thank you.

My lady and I wanna have
a quick shag and a shower

before we hit the town tonight.

Welcome to Liverpool.

What? He would've spent
a cash tip in, like, a minute.

Come on. The image I just gave him
is gonna last for a lifetime.

No, it's... it's not you. It's... Oh, f*ck.

This is Rupert's and my
anniversary weekend. And...

- It's the first one I've spent by myself...
- Hey, it's okay.

Thank you.

- Mm.
- Ooh. That's a long hug.

So, just to remind you,
the hotel furniture stays in the rooms,

not the hallway or the pool.

Nor are you allowed to ship it
to your homes or other hotels, okay?

All right, fellas,
we got team meal in an hour.

After that, it's either gonna be
movie night or a pillow fight.

What's it gonna be this time around?

Movie night.

All right. But I tell you what,
y'all say "pillow fight" one time,

and we'll never watch another movie
together again.

- That's for you, Coach.
- Thank you, sir.

- And that's for you.
- Thank you.

Whoo! Room 5150. Finally.

Sammy Hagar,
greatest lead singer in Van Halen history.

- In the post-David Lee Roth era.
- Thank you.

- Coach, what room you got?
- 5148.

- Hey.
- Howdy, neighbor.

Yes, hello. We still haven't received
the champagne I ordered. Thank you.

Ah. Good question. One second.

Should I get the concierge to make us
a reservation somewhere tonight?

Shipley's steak house is unmatched
in its cuisine and ambience.

Mm. Is it now? Cool, I can do steak.

Uh, yes. The steak house for two, please.

Does 8:00 p.m. work for you?

The business center is open
24 hours a day.

Okay.

What was that about the business center?

Guests also have access
to our state-of-the-art gym,

filled with the latest
in workout technology.

Like kettlebells!

Oh, my God.

Liverpool has much to offer
when it comes to nightlife.

From pubs and clubs,
to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!

I don't even remember doing this.

- And if you're the artsy type...
- Right, enough.

This weekend is moving forward.

When that champagne arrives, we are
going to get drunk, have a nice meal,

and leave the past in the past.

- Sound good?
- Sounds f*cking great.

Oh. Speak of the devil.

Hello, Stinky.

Still giving you the big room even
without old gray walnuts footing the bill.

Good. f*ck Rupert!

Oh. Who's this then?
Is this your concubine? Is she Russian?

- Are you Russian?
- A, I love you. B, who are you?

Let me introduce Flo Collins,
my best mate since we were little.

Brilliant child psychologist
and proud, newly single...

Mm-hmm.

...mother to the most amazing 12-year-old
little girl called Nora, my goddaughter.

Wow.

Both of whom I've completely neglected
to speak to in the last six years.

Oh, Jesus, Stinky.

Remind me to bury you in the set list
for speeches at my funeral.

Hi, I'm Flo. Or you can call me "Sassy."
I don't care which.

So, you heard about the divorce?

Yeah. I bumped into Derren at a party.
He told me right after he hit on me.

Hey, what's new? Still, weird order
for him to roll out that information.

Right,
what's in the plan for tonight, then?

Shall I call down? Get myself a robe?

Oh!

Look what I've got.

Ta-da!

Stole it off
a room service trolley outside.

You're amazing!

- I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi!
- Oh!

Yeah, I know who you are, honey.

My ex used to masturbate to you
like a maniac, so...

Am I cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
thinking we can b*at these guys tomorrow?

- No, we match up perfectly.
- Exactly.

What about you, Nate?
You believe these guys can win?

I believe this team can do anything.

See? There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, Nate. So if you were me,
what would you tell these guys?

Oh, no. I wouldn't... No, I don't...

Hey. I'm just asking for your opinion.
You understand that, yeah?

- Yeah.
- And you got one, yes?

- Yeah.
- Locked, loaded, ready to rip?

Mm-hmm.

- Let me hear it.
- No.

Why not? What are you afraid's
gonna happen if you tell me?

That you won't like my idea
and it makes you hate me.

Then you fire me.

Then I have to move back in with my
parents and they'll be ashamed of me.

Then everyone finds out back home
and laughs at me until my face melts off.

Excuse me.

Well, at least he didn't stammer.

Mm.

I gotta go take care of a couple things.
I'll see you in the morning, all right?

Hey, do me a favor.
Keep an eye on these guys,

'cause around the 74 minute mark, there's
gonna be a room full of grown men crying.

I'll be one of 'em.

Right, so I hadn't prepared anything.

Not the brightest idea for a maid
of honor, especially with an open bar.

Yeah, she was the star of the weekend.

- Yeah, I gave Elton John a boner.
- You did what?

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did!

He has repeatedly denied that.

Ah. Classic "she said, she said," innit?

Would you ladies like another bottle?
A little dessert perhaps?

My sexy and extremely single friend here

actually prefers her desserts
on the larger side.

If that's something
you could possibly accommodate.

I'll give you a few minutes.

Thank you. Sorry.

I can't believe you just did that.

Oh, shut up. You love it.

Right. I'm going for a smoke. Stinky?

No. Don't smoke anymore.

And yet, you're still on fire.

Hmm.

Yeah, I don't know. Just...

May I suggest flushing it again
but harder? Okay, bye.

Hi, how can I help you?

Hey, how you doing? I was
wondering if y'all had a fax machine.

Fax machine?

Oh, okay. Um, that's a good question.
If you bear with me a second,

I'll just check with a colleague
and see what I can find out.

A fax machine, hey? Are you
sending something to the year 1997?

Yeah, just a little note to myself
telling me to buy Apple stock.

Oh. Good idea.

Can you tell me to m*rder J.K. Rowling and
write the first Harry Potter book as well?

Can do. Yeah. I'll probably write "handle"
instead of "m*rder,"

so there's no paper trail.

- Yeah, I'm Ted, by the way.
- Oh. Sassy.

Sassy, huh? Like the Smurf, right?

Don't think there was a Sassy Smurf,
was there?

That's too bad.

Seems like a Smurf with an attitude
would've been a lot of fun to watch.

All right, yeah, I'll tell him.
Let me know how the trial goes. Okay, bye.

Right, we no longer have a fax machine
on the premises.

But the concierge was able to locate one

at a tanning salon eight miles away
in Croxteth.

You know what, that's okay.

I'm just gonna hit this manicurist
nearby that has carrier pigeons.

- Thank you though. All right.
- Okay.

Nice meeting you.

Right, how can I help you?

Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke

and hope my friend picks up the check
while I was gone.

Then I saw Magnum, P.I. in line,
figured I'd flirt with him as well.

- See what happens, you know?
- Oh, well, good luck.

Yeah, I think I f*cked it.

I... I actually get off in about 30 minutes
if you'd like to, uh...

Of course not, why would you?

You are who you choose to be.

Superman.

Okay, so I just met
the f*cking Marlboro Man in the...

- Where's Stinky gone? She abandoned you?
- No, she just went to pee.

- Oh.
- Where does "Stinky" come from?

I remember the day
she moved into our town.

She was already taller than me,
had bigger boobs.

Family was rich.
So, first day of year seven,

I told everyone her nickname was "Stinky."

That's genius.

To the ties that bind us.

To Rebecca.

Yeah, that's not Rebecca.

How do you mean?

No, the real Rebecca is silly.

Strong, yeah, but not cold.

- Have you ever heard her sing?
- No.

Ah. Beautiful voice.

Her and Nora would sing through
the door for hours.

Do you wanna build a snowman?

- Who's Nora?
- My daughter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you like that woman,
you are gonna love Rebecca.

- Ready?
- What about the bill?

- Thank you, Miss Welton.
- Okay.

Do you wanna do that thing
where you pretend you wanted to pay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
This is really good fun. Join in.

Oh, you absolute piece of sh*t!
I was about to do that!

- I was just about to get my card out.
- I can't believe that you've done this.

- We were gonna split. That was so nice.
- Six years I've waited for this...

- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm... I'm so sorry. I just...

You're what?

- What is this?
- It's just my thoughts on the team.

Go, Nathan. Come on, it's past curfew.

- Go! Get outta here!
- Sorry.

Liverpool has much to offer
when it comes to nightlife.

From pubs and clubs,
to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!

And if you're the artsy type,
or you're just trying to impress a date,

Liverpool has more
museums and galleries...

Welcome to Goodison Park.
I'm Arlo White here with Chris Powell.

- Okay, guys! Got some snacks here!
- Whoo-hoo!

Let's try not to eat them all
in the first half. Come on, Richmond!

It's eighth-place Everton
hosting AFC Richmond,

in 18th and staring relegation
in the face.

The last time Richmond left here
with a win,

the number one song in the UK
was by Elvis Presley, "It's Now or Never."

And that's certainly the case
for Ted Lasso's men tonight.

- Nate, can I speak with you, please?
- Yeah.

You all right?

I wanted to apologize for last night.
I bit your head off for no good reason,

and I'm really sorry about that
and I hope you can forgive me.

Yeah, of cour... Yes, of course.

Thank you.
Also, I read through your thoughts.

- Yeah.
- They're great.

And I agree with every last one of 'em.

But I can't say this to them.

- But they need to hear it.
- I agree.

That's why you're gonna do it.

Are you drunk?

You're giving the pregame talk,
and you're gonna read them this.

- I ju... I don't know.
- It'll be fun.

No. No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

All right, listen up, fellas.

As of late, I feel like y'all
have heard enough of my jibber-jabber.

So I asked Nate the Great here to
jot down a few of his thoughts and ideas

about you guys and today's game.

So let's focus up.

- All yours, Nate.
- Okay.

- Let's go, Nate.
- Come on, boy. You got this.

- You got this, Nate. It's okay.
- Okay. Thank you. Let's do it.

- Isaac.
- Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you got this, bruv, all right?

Yeah.

I've noticed of late...

that you've been playing
like a big, dumb p*ssy.

Wow.

What the f*ck did you say to me, bruv?

You're more concerned about looking tough
than actually being tough.

There's a way to be intimidating
without being physical.

I hope you don't mind me saying.

Um...

- Sam.
- Oh, no.

You're constantly getting b*at
on the wings.

It's 'cause you're indecisive.

You second-guess
more than a shitty psychic.

The only African I know more imprisoned
by their own thoughts

is g*dd*mn Nelson Mandela.

Did you hear that?

You think that's funny, do you, Colin?
You and all your fancy step over bullshit.

Let me ask you this.
Do you wax your pubes?

What?

Did I stutter, dickhead?
Do you wax your pubes? Yes or no.

No.

Then why are you always trying to play
like a Brazilian?

Yeah.

What just happened?

- Uh, Rojas.
- Whoo! Roast me, amigo.

All right.
You say that football is life, right?

Football is life.

- Yeah, well, then your defense is death.
- Oh!

The only person I've seen lose their man
more often is Carrie f*cking Bradshaw.

Oh!

- Sex and the City.
- Shh.

- Yeah.
- Tough but fair.

Right. Roy.

Go on. Say what you're gonna say.

Okay.

Don't read it.

Say it to my face.

The great Roy Kent.

You're old now.

And slow. And your focus drifts.

But your speed and your smarts
were never what made you who you are.

It's your anger. That's your superpower.

That's what made you one of the best
midfielders in the history of this league.

But I haven't seen it on the pitch
at all this season, Roy.

I mean, you used to run
like you were angry at the grass.

You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it
f*cking your wife, for Christ's sake.

But that anger doesn't come out anymore
when you play.

But it's still in there.

And I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to
you if you just keep it all for yourself.

Ooh!

Let's go get these f*ckers.

See? Told you it'd be fun.

And the impossible has happened.
Richmond have won at Everton 1-0.

- Yes, Ted! Yeah!
- Thanks to a rare goal from Roy Kent.

Kent was absolutely brilliant today.

He was like a man possessed.

Yeah!

We know we are, we're sure we are.

We're Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond...

Oh, my God!

Come on, give us a hug, Nate. Yeah.

- Ted!
- Hey!

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, boss.

Could I, uh, just introduce you to...

- Sassy Smurf!
- Marlboro Man! Oh, my God.

We know we are, we're sure we are...

- I didn't know you were here.
- Surprise!

I've been thinking about you a lot
this weekend.

Oh, yeah? How come?

'Cause you and your crazy hair keep
popping up every time I turn on my TV.

Oi! Listen up!

None of you are going back
to the hotel tonight.

'Cause we did something today that
no one thought we could do, including us!

So, we're going out, we're celebrating,

and we're gonna rub it
in this city's f*cking face!

Roy! Roy! Where are we going?

Keeley?

Well, Liverpool has much to offer.

From pubs to clubs
to the great Asian pastime of...

- I said maybe - Said maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

Saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

I'm going for a smoke.

- Can I join you?
- Come on.

Thank you, Richmond FC!

So, what's Marlboro Man's story, then?

'Cause I kinda wanna grab him by the ears

and ride that little mustache
like a Jet Ski.

- It's so good to see you, Sass.
- You too, Stinky.

God. You know, today would've been my...

Of course I know.
Why do you think I'm here?

Mate, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for disappearing from you,
from Nora.

I really am.

Thank you for saying that.

Mm.

God, that man took so much from me.

No.

Rupert is a horrible man who built
an ivory tower he kept you c*ptive in.

But you climbed every single step
of that tower on your own.

You're the one who stopped
coming home, stopped calling.

Who made a six-year-old girl
wonder what she'd done wrong.

I'll always be your biggest defender,

but you have to own up
to the part that you played.

You're right.

Course I'm right. I'm always right.

You're not always right.
Most of the time you're an arse.

There you are. f*cking hell.
I thought you guys ditched me.

- No!
- As if!

Jesus, I didn't know that
I had abandonment issues till right now.

Come on, Rebecca. Your song's up next.

- What?
- Yeah.

No, I didn't put a song in.

Well, then someone else
must've done it for you.

Who could've done that?

See? You are an arse.

Caught in a bad romance

Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma

Gaga, ooh-la-la

Want your bad romance

All right, who's next?

Me, me, me.

Your turn, Rebecca. Get on up here.

Thank you. Oh, God.

Okay. Uh, I don't even know
what song I'm singing.

But I would like to dedicate it to
the best friend a girl could ever have.

That is me! She's talking about me!

This is also dedicated
to my goddaughter, Nora.

I love you.

The snow glows white
On the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling
Like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel
Don't let them know

Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door

I don't care what they're going to say

Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway

- Ted.
- Dad?

Ted?

Ted.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Try to breathe.

I can't. I don't know what's going on.
I'm... I'm sorry.

It's okay. You're having a panic att*ck.
Just breathe.

Am I going crazy?

No more than anyone else.

All right. You're all right.

There we go. There we go.
There we go. Come on.

Come on.

There we go.

I think I need to call it a night.

Gonna go back to the hotel and
just get a good night's rest, you know?

Would you like me to walk back with you?

Do you want to take my car?

No, no, no. I'm okay.
Thank you though. I appreciate it.

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, do me a favor. Just, uh, let Beard
know I went back to the hotel.

Of course. You just get home safely.

- Okay, thank you.
- All right.

Okay.

- Excuse me. Very drunk man coming through.
- Yeah.

Guys. Guys, guys, guys. I think
we should take the boys to the pub.

Oh, I am so done, Sass. Sorry.

Think I'm tapping out
for the evening too, actually.

So I have to take 18
young, handsome men all by myself?

Oh, trauma.

- All right then. See you later.
- Bye. I love you.

Amigos, I can't find my tropical shirt.

He's so drunk.

You won't need it, you won't need it.

Right, want a lift back to the hotel?

Oh, no.
Um, I think I'm gonna walk, actually.

Unless you want me to come with you,
'cause that I can do.

- I'm fine. Really.
- Yeah?

Besides, that was yesterday.

- You're wasting valuable time.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm going, I'm going.

Oh, this is me.

I'm sharing a suite with Rebecca.
We've got separate bedrooms though.

Good night.