Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother, The (1975)

[bunniefuu]

The foreign secretary,
Lord Redcliff.

Your Majesty,
being inside of your confidence...

is the greatest joy
I've ever known.

Lord Redcliff, the fate of England
is now in your hands.

Your confidence,
being inside of Your Majesty...

is the greatest
single joy...

I've ever known.

It's all right, Your Majesty.
I've got it.

I've got it.
All's well that ends well.

sh*t.

Holy Jesus Christ!

But it's cold outside.

Hmm? Oh!

I say, Holmes, what did you think
about Bessie Bellwood?

- Who the devil's Bessie Bellwood?
- Who the devil is—

She's the young music hall singer—
Came round to see you this afternoon.

Said she was being blackmailed
or some such thing.

Ah, yes. Why? What
did you think of her?

Some kind of a crackpot
if you ask me.

Too trifling
to bother with.

My sentiments exactly.

So, Watson, what do you make
of all this stolen document business?

Well, it must be
pretty important, indeed...

if the queen contacts
you personally.

Her Majesty believes that
unless the Redcliff document...

is back in our hands
by Thursday night...

this country will be involved
in a devastating w*r.

- Holmes!
- Her Majesty suspects the French.

Now, you know
my thinking, Watson.

- How would you proceed?
- The : to Paris.

Bravo.

- How the devil can you leave the country
tonight— - Without tipping off...

every m*rder*r and petty thief in England
the moment we set foot on that train?

Quite simple.

While Sherlock is gone...

he will pass on one or two of his
less urgent assignments...

to his brother Sigerson.

Holmes, you never told me
you had a brother Sigerson.

I never told you I had a brother Mycroft
until the occasion arose.

- But who is the fellow?
- Sigerson is my younger brother...

and he's spent
the past years...

getting hopelessly twisted
in my shadow.

- Extremely jealous, is he?
- Something of the sort.

- Love and hate, eh?
- I should say hate and dislike.

Lovely flowers only a copper!

How much
did he give you?

- Five pounds.
- Strange fellows.

I still don't understand...

why we're going through
all this bother.

If that document
is so bloody important...

why aren't you
handling this case yourself?

Because it all revolves
around a woman, Watson...

and a woman who must
fall very much in love...

before she's capable
of trusting anyone.

Could I trouble you
for a light?

Thank you so much.

I suppose you've seen Sigerson
about all this.

Seeing me in person
is much too upsetting to him.

Well, I assume you
selected some messenger...

who will present Sigerson
with all the essential information.

Even as we speak, Watson.
Even as we speak.

One Orville Stanley Sacker
by name.

He's the only man
I've ever met...

who has a photographic
sense ofhearing.

My word!

- Are you Mr. S., for Sigerson, Holmes?
- Perhaps.

Do you have a brother
whose first name is Sherlock?

- I do not.
- You do have a brother.

- I do.
- Might I inquire as to his first name?

"Sheer Luck"!

I see.

Well, your brother "Sheer Luck"
sent me around with an urgent request...

and this £ note.

Are you at all
interested?

You can tell my brother
to take his £ note and shove—

May I say that I've been a great admirer
of yours for many years...

especially your handling
of the case of the three testicles.

- You've studied the three testicles?
- Orville Stanley Sacker...

Sergeant, Records Bureau,
Scotland Yard.

A pleasure,
Mr. Holmes.

Come in, Orville.
I was just making tea.

Hop on that bicycle seat.
I won't be a minute.

Et la, la, la!

La, et la, la!

La, la, la, la, la!
La, la!

Et la, la,
la, la, la, la!

Come on.
We haven't got all night.

All right.
Start pedaling.

Keep a steady pace.

Do you think you could pump
a little faster?

Certainly.

Et la!

- I'm sorry. I wonder if I can get—
- Pedal! Pedal!

For God's sake, man!

Don'tjust stop in the middle like that!
What do you think this is, a toy shop?

Sucker.

Now, then,
what's this urgent request?

Due to ill health, your
brother has decided...

to take a short vacation
in the country—

not very long,
two or three days at most—

- but he would very much appreciate—
- Sit down, won't you?

Thank you.

- Some tea?
- Yes. Thank you very much.

- Pray continue.
- Due to ill health...

your brother has decided
to take a short vacation in the country—

oh, not very long,
two or three days at most—

- but he would very much appreciate—
- Some milk?

- Just a drop.
- You were saying?

Due to ill health...

your brother has decided
to take a short vacation in the country—

not very long,
two or three days at most—

- Sugar?
- Just one, please.

- Yes, yes. Go on.
- Due to ill health...

your brother has decided
to take a short vacation in the country—

oh, not very long,
two or three days at most—

but he would very much appreciate—
very much appreciate—

If you would handle one of his most urgent
cases during the time of his absence.

- I see.
- All fees going to you, of course.

His way of saying
he's stuck.

- Anything else? - He's taken
the liberty of sending around...

a Miss Bessie Bellwood
of Chiselhurst...

to whom he hopes you might
be of some service.

- Bessie Bellwood?
- Yes.

Are you sure the name
is Bessie Bellwood?

- Positive.
- I see.

Well, I'm very busy
just now...

but this case might present
one or two points of interest.

At any rate,
we shall know presently.

For unless
I'm very much mistaken...

the young lady's
dainty hand...

is just about
to knock...

upon my...

- door!
- How did you—

Shh! Come in,
Miss Bessie Bellwood of Chiselhurst.

There's a young lady
downstairs to see you, my dear.

- Shall I show her up?
- Show her up!

And stop tippytoeing
around out there!

Walk like a man,
for God's sake!

- Perhaps I better—
- No, no, no. Sit down, Orville.

I find your presence comforting somehow.

I find your presence comforting somehow.

How do you do?
My name is Bessie Bellwood.

- Liar!
- Oh! You don't fool around, do you?

How do you know that
I'm not Bessie Bellwood?

Chorus.

All right!

Hello.

- Well, I don't think I know that one.
- Pity.

The next time you
decide to impersonate...

a music-hall singer who's been
dead for and a half years...

I suggest you learn
her full repertoire.

Won't you come in,
Miss Liar?

Thank you.
My, what a charming flat.

This is my good friend
Orville Slacker.

- Sacker.
- Sacker. Sorry.

Orville, may I present
Miss Liar?

How do you do?
Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.

- Merci bien.
- Won't you sit down?

No, thanks.

My! Your brother Sherlock
certainly is a character.

My brother
is a very insecure man.

Now precisely what is it
that you want of me?

Well, I have
this friend—

- Liar!
- Ha!

I'm being blackmailed.

May I offer you
some tea?

No, thanks.

Exactly who
and what are you?

My name is Jenny Hill...

and I'm simultaneously
funny and sad.

How interesting.

Do you have any idea
who's blackmailing you?

- Eduardo Gambetti.
- Gambetti?

- Oh, milk or sugar?
- Oh, no, thank you.

Eduardo Gambetti—
the name strikes a bell.

Every heard of him,
Sacker?

Not Gambetti again.

Fraid so, sir.

Fat little fart fancies
himself as an opera singer.

That's him, sir.

Pour us some tea, Sacker.
Yes, sir.

How does he do it, Greerson?

Pays the highest prices
for spicy lettuce, sir.

Everything in the market
goes to Gambetti.

The swine.
Swine he may be, sir...

but he certainly is the cleverest
of all the blackmailers.

I'm not sure—
What just happened?

Never mind. I'll
explain it to you later.

The swine wants money
from you in return for what?

Mr. Gambetti promised
not to show my fiancé...

a- a-a foolish
letter I wrote...

to a silly young man
I met in the country.

- What was in the letter? - Nothing.
It was just an innocent little note.

- What was in the letter, Miss Hill?
- Won't you call meJenny?

What was in the letter,
Miss Hill?

By the way, do you mind if I call
you Siggy? Sigerson seems so formal.

What was in the letter,
Miss Hill?

I said I wanted
to touch his winkle!

I see.

- Good-bye.
- His what?

Nothing! Nothing! I'll
explain it to you later.

- You're leaving? - Yes, I
have to be at the theater by : .

I hope you won't think
too unkindly of me...

but everything I've told you
just now has been a lie.

I've just been rehearsing
some new material for my act.

I see.
Just a few laughs, eh?

Yes, that's the idea.
I was walking along...

and then suddenly
I saw your winkle on the door—

Um, I mean, suddenly I saw
your shingle on the door...

and I said to myself,
"Why not?

If I'm lucky, I might just get
a fresh, unsuspecting audience."

Well, you were very lucky
indeed, then, weren't you?

Yes. Today has— I'm—

Well, what can I say?

Um...

you've been
so very kind...

a little gullible,
perhaps...

but, uh, I'm sorry
if I took advantage of you.

Don't feel badly.

I'm sure God
would much prefer us to be...

- a little too vulnerable than—
- Jenny!

Hopping like kangaroos.

That's wonderful, funny.

I love that. I'm dying
to hear what comes next.

It's almost time,
Professor Moriarty.

I know, Finny,
but this is fascinating.

- Go on, Bruner.
- Well, sir—

Pay no mind. Go on
with your report.

Well, sir, after a few more
moments ofhopping—

Go on, Bruner. Go on.

The three of them
bounced out of the room.

The three of them...

bounced out of the room.

Bounced out of
the room!

They bounced
out of the room!

They bounced
out of the room.

Here.

It really is
time for—

Ah.

And you just left them
there, Bruner, hmm?

You didn't wait to see which way
they might be going?

No sir. I thought their behavior
was so strange—

That I'd better come
and tell you right away.

I see. Bounced
out of the room.

Oh, that's delicious.

Step this way, Bruner.

Yes.

Is everything all right,
Alicia, dear?

Yes, Professor.
Fine, thank you.

I wonder if you would
do me a small favor, Bruner?

Anything, Professor.
Anything.

I wonder if you'd mind leaving
by one of these two doors?

I've got some official visitors
coming up the main staircase.

I'd rather they didn't
see you leaving.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No, sir.

Good lad.
Either door, Bruner.

The choice is yours.

Hi, there. I'm working
with Prof— Holy sh*t!

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's the curse again.

And I know
you'll understand.

Of course it's been a great trial
to your patience, Father...

but think of the burden
that it's been to me.

Ever since that day...

when my hereditary
tendencies finally...

burst out
into the open...

and I had this irrepressible desire
to do something...

absolutely rotten
every minutes!

Well, it's been
very painful to me, Father.

I mean, thinking up a real
corker every minutes...

is no easy job, I'm telling you!

- Ready?
- Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.
Thank you.

Ready.

What's going on?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

How much cash does
he actually want from you now?

How much cash does
he actually want from you now?

None.

Mr. Gambetti told me
he would give me back my letter...

if I would promise to steal
a certain document...

from my father's wall safe.

What does your father do?

He's the janitor in br*wnings Bank
in Clearwater Street.

br*wnings doesn't have a bank
in Clearwater Street.

Poor Papa.
I wonder if he knows.

What does your father do,
Miss Hill?

How did you know so quickly that br*wnings
doesn't have a Clearwater branch?

I assumed you were lying.
What does your father do, Miss Hill?

One of these days you're going
to assume a broken ass, Mr. Holmes!

- What does your father do?
- That was no accident and you know it.

- I know nothing of the kind.
- If you hadn't made me move downstage...

I would be dead now.

Well, as it happens,
you are extraordinarily alive.

Your lies are of the same
excellent quality.

I can't help you if you're
going to become hysterical...

and act as if everyone around
is trying to hurt you!

Scream.

#Scream #

Scream. Scream.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying—

How do you do?

How far are we
from Piccadilly Circus?

Not far. There's a long,
dark stretch up ahead of us first.

That's what the buggers
are waiting for.

Brace yourself
till we get there.

- Then try to outrace them,
all right, Fred? - Right you are, guv.

No good, guv.
I can't outrace them with our load.

- Their horses are too fast.
- Get back. I'm coming up.

#Away, away, away, away #

- #Away, away, away, away #
- What are you doing?

Whenever I'm petrified,
I either cry or sing.

London streets
and places of interest!

- #Away, away, away #
- Abbey Road! Abbey Street!

- #Away, away, away, away #
- Abbington Road.

- Adelphi Terrace! Adelphi Theater!
- #Away, away, away, away #

#Away, away, away, away #

- Fred!
- Yes, sir!

Give me your hand
for support.

Come on, horsey!

It's time for me
to be going home now.

- Good night, guv!
- Good-bye!

Evening, Mr. Holmes.
Won't you come join us?

Well—

All right, but just for a few minutes.

Oh, taxi.

Jenny, this
isn't the way—

I don't wish
to talk about it.

The problem won't disappear...

because you don't wish
to talk about it.

I don't wish
to talk about it!

You're making
a tragic mistake, love.

I've made
a tragic mistake...

more tragic than you can
possibly imagine...

and unless I'm very careful,
I'm going to die for it.

Please let me go.
Thank you.

Good night,
Sergeant Sacker.

Good night, Jenny.

- Good night, Mr. Holmes.
- Good night.

Thank you
for a lovely evening.

Come on.

"Where only
a few moments later...

"a prop motorcar...

"slipped
from its safety catches...

"and crashed
upon the stage.

"If London rests a bit more
securely tonight...

"it is, once again, due
to Mr. Sherlock Holmes...

who in his"—

"Quiet, unassuming...

genius"—

Care for some more tea,
Sacker?

Oh, ta!
Don't mind if I do.

- Make us some, would you?
- Righto.

The water's just boiling.

What I don't understand is whether
someone was trying to killJenny...

or whether someone was trying
to killJenny because she was with you.

That, my boy, is much
more to the point.

- Hello.
- What?

- Shh!
- I didn't hear anything.

That doesn't necessarily mean
that there wasn't anything to hear.

Don't run away, Jenny! I assure you
there's no cause for embarrassment.

Just put your hand back
on the doorknob and walk in!

Telegram for you, my dear.
Only just arrived.

I thought I told you
not to play outside my door.

But I thought
you'd want to see it, sir.

It'd only just come.
I was sweeping down by—

All right! All right!
That's enough of this nonsense.

- Give it here!
- Yes, sir.

- What does it say?
- "Greasy goose dressing, excellent.

"Leave room for exactly
servings before theater...

and pass red lion...
on cheddar street cheese. "

Good heavens! I didn't realize
it was that late.

- I really must be—
- Oh, don't be a ninny!

It's obviously a code of some sort.
I just have to decipher it.

What do you
suppose it means?

Cheddar Street cheese.
Cheddar Street?

Is there any street
in London by that name?

- No cheddar.
- Curious.

The clue obviously lies
in the word "cheddar."

Seven letters,
rearranged...

they come to—

Let me see.

"Radched."

"Dechdar."

"Drechad."

"Chaderd."

Hello.
Chaderd.

Unless I'm very
much mistaken...

"chaderd" is the Egyptian word
meaning to eat fat.

Now we're
getting somewhere.

- Have you tried school code?
- What do you mean?

Grammar school code.
Count off every third word.

What are you talking about?
You think we're dealing with simpletons?

All you get from that is,
"Dressing room ...

theater,
Red Lion Street."

Do you call this tea?

No, I call it hot water.

I was just rinsing out the cup
when you grabbed it.

May I have some tea,
please?

Certainly.

Come in.

How good of you to come.
May I pour you some tea?

Yes, thank you.

Milk and two sugars?

- Yes. Thank you.
- Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, once more please
from the letter "A."

Sit down, won't you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

May I ask what made you change
your mind about seeing me?

Yes, you may.

What made you change
your mind about seeing me?

I'll tell you something.
If you had a stronger chin...

you'd be a pretty
good looker.

- What do you think about that?
- And I'll tell you something.

You're a frightened
little girl...

who for some twisted reason
needs to be sexually stimulated...

before she'll trust anyone.

What do you think
about that?

That is the most ridiculous thing
I ever heard in my life.

Would you like me to warm your pee—
Your tea?

- No, thanks.
- Well—

Well, I'm
certainly not...

not going to sit here...

and— and deny that—

that I'm alarmed...

by what's happening
to my father.

- Biscuit?
- No, thank you.

What is happening
to your father?

Ever since I stole
that document from his wall safe—

- Yes?
- I—

He hasn't been
the same man.

I mean, he'll—
He'll spend an hour...

just staring off
into space.

I had no idea that
little piece of paper...

was so important.

I swear I didn't.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Jenny.

- I didn't know—
- What are you doing?

- What?
- What are you taking your hand away for?

I wasn't trying to—

I didn't mean to.

- I was only trying to make a point.
- Oh.

- I'm sorry if I—
- No, that's all right.

Well,
perhaps...

we better call it a day.

Could I ask you
just one more question?

Don't you even
want to know...

about my father?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Yes...

please.

Who is he?

I can't tell you that!

You can't tell me that?
That's what you've got to tell me.

I can't.
Please don't ask me that.

Jenny.

Please.
For once in your life...

trust someone.

I'm trying.

I really am trying.

- It's— It's very difficult.
- Well, let me help you.

I will. I will.

- You'll feel better afterwards. I promise.
- I know I will—

- And you will too.
- Good!

I promise.

- Then who is he?
- Don't ask.

Jenny.

Who is your father?

- He—
- Good.

- Is—
- Good! Good!

Good! Good!

- The—
- Yes! Yes!

Yes!
I- I-I can't!

I—

Oh.

Ooh!

Um—

Oh! Oh!

He is the...

foreign secretary
for Great Britain!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh, Jenny.

Perhaps now we can get
to the bottom of things.

I think so.

Gentlemen, the Redcliff document
will be in my hands...

at approximately six minutes
past : this evening.

Now then,
what are my bids?

Russia bids , .

Russia
bids , pounds.

Rubles.

Rubles?
All right!

Now then, let's see.
There are eight rubles to the pound...

so we simply divide
, by eight.

Eight into goes six—

Guests!

Six eights are ...

carry the two,
bring down the zero.

Eight into goes twice,
eight to . Four over.

Carry the four,
bring down the zero.

Eight into
goes five times!

Spit that out.

Spit it out,
or go to your room.

Russia
bids £ .

Good thing I'm
a math professor.

, .

- , rubles.
- French francs.

F- French francs?

Of course!
Quick, get the daily paper.

France bids
, French francs.

What's a franc
going for today?

A franc is . .

A franc is .
to the pound...

so I simply put down
. —

Oh, Christ,
how do you do this?

- Just put down . .
- Oh, sure, I wouldn't know...

even to put down
. .

What I'm asking, you idiot,
is whether you multiply or divide.

- Divide.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- I'll k*ll you if you screw this up.

Now then, we simply
divide . ...

into , .

What do I do with
the decimal point?

You move the decimal point
two places to the right.

You mean I divide
, into , ?

- , .
- What?

Well, you add two zeros
to the , ...

to make up for moving the decimal point
two places to the right.

Well, what the hell did we move
the decimal point for in the first place?

To make it easier.

All right,
the bidding will start...

at £ , .

- , .
- , .

- , !
- , .

- , ! , !
- , . , .

, ! , !

- , .
- , !

Mr. Holmes
to see Lord Redcliff.

- I sent a wire.
- Yes, sir.

His Lordship will be
with you presently.

Mr. Holmes?

Lord Red—
Redcliff, I presume.

I can't tell you
how glad I am to see you.

How very nice of you to say.

Tell me, did you, uh—

Did you, uh—
Did you find out anything?

We think—

- We think—
- Yes, I know, but I mean...

about—
did you, uh—

You're Mr. Holmes, aren't you?

Yes. That's right.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Mr. Sherlock Holmes?

Uh, no.
I am his brother...

- Sigerson.
- Sigerson?

Yes. As I'm sure—
You're aware...

my brother
comes to me for help...

on some of his
difficult cases.

What is it you wish of me,
Mr. Holmes?

I mean, I'm an
extremely busy man.

No more busy than I,
Your Lordship, I assure you.

In that case,
let's come to the point.

The point is,
Lord Redcliff...

that your daughter
has told me everything.

My daughter? How could you possibly
know my daughter?

I have saved her life upon two
separate occasions.

Would you be good enough
to describe her to me?

She has magnificent
red hair...

about years of age...

I should say
' / " tall...

and...

extraordinarily beautiful.

Really?

Would you please
leave my house, sir?

I don't understand.
What have I said?

Mr. Holmes,
or whoever you are...

my daughter
has blonde hair...

a little under five feet,
and she's years old.

Will you please
pay attention?

In any case, geography, why bother with it?
Why even study it?

Daddy! Daddy!

If it isn't the truth...

I will never see you
or speak to you again. I—

Sorry.

Lord Redcliff is
my fiancé.

I am governess
to his children.

I thought he only wanted me
for their sake, but...

after his wife d*ed,
I realized he really does love me.

We were to be married
this Friday afternoon.

How could you have stolen
that document from him?

I didn't know
what was in it.

- I still don't.
- So you stole the document...

- and gave it to Gambetti.
- Yes.

And now he won't give you back
your love letter.

No. He gave it back
when I gave him the document.

Then what in God's name
do you want from me?

I— I want you to steal the document
back from Gambetti.

You—

Sorry.

Where would you like us
to drop you off?

He's going to resign
as foreign secretary.

Where would you like us
to drop you off?

I am not proud
of what I did!

You've just told me
a magnificent success story.

Overlooking the fact
that you're a liar...

a thief, a traitor,
and a whore...

- I don't see what should be bothering you!
- You!

No! Oh, no! No!

Oh! Please help me.

Do you know
where Gambetti lives?

I've been rehearsing
in his house for three weeks.

Lord Redcliff arranged for me
to be in Mr. Gambetti's opera company.

Sacker, we're going to need
a floor plan of Gambetti's house.

- Can you dig one up?
- Well—

- I have one in my purse.
- You—

Yes, I can.

Hurry up! For God's sake,
what are you doing back there?

I'm sorry.
Can I help you?

- How did you get there?
- Through the gate.

Are you trying
to get us k*lled?

- No, I just thought—
- Never mind! There's no time to argue.

Help me down.

Do you hear music?

- Must be a party.
- Might be a little sticky.

Keep these ready.

I'll show you
how simple this can be...

when you know
what you're doing.

Quick!
Behind the curtains.

Mama. Mama.

Oh, mama, mama. Mama.

Oh, that's a beauty.

Peekaboo.
Professore!

- Ah!
- Signor Gambetti.

I love your hat.
I love your face.

I love your nose! By the way,
where you keep your wallet?

- Right here.
- Ooh!

Oh, please, please, come in my house!

I love this guy!

Here's your money.

Oh.

Stop!

- Feel free to count it.
- Don't touch the money!

- You got a lovely vase.
- And you got a lovely face.

Hey, we have
a nice time, huh?

What a nice,
fat sound! Boom!

Please, make yourself
comfortable.

My house
is your house.

Everybody here! Okay!

£ , !

You know,
Professor Moriarty...

your mama, she raise
a nice boy.

- Now may I please have the document?
- Are you crazy?

I don't keep the document
in the house.

What did you say?

Professore, Professore...

don't you understand?

You very big sh*t.
If I give you the document tonight...

you can— If I give you
the document tonight...

you gonna send a lot
of big boys over here work for you.

They come over here,
they cr*ck my head.

That's no nice.

Then they take the money
before I send it home to my mama.

No, no, no, no.

No. I think it's better
for my health...

if I give you
the document in public.

In public? How the hell are you going
to give it to me in public?

Oh ho!
In the opera!

- What opera?
- It— Oh, you—

That's no fair.
That's no fair.

- Sì. In the opera.
- What opera?

- Italian!
- Which Italian?

Un Ballo in Maschera,
by Giuseppe Verdi!

How the hell
do I get the document!

While I'm singing!

I'm happy!

We having some fun!

A little expensive,
but lots of fun!

- How you feel?
- I—

Good! I'm glad!

But you haven't told me...

how I get the document.

In the opera,
the messenger, he sing:

#Why don't we all drink
some very sexy wine #

I give him a big piece
of empty paper.

- So?
- So, you got to send your own messenger.

When he sing:

#Why don't we all drink
some very sexy wine #

Instead of the big piece
of empty paper...

I give him
the Redcliff document...

and everybody happy.

- Whew.
- Hey, you're a little tired?

- Yes.
- Come on. We take a nice nap.

You no fool around.

- Shh.
- Okay, Professore.

Oh, wait.

- Who the hell are you?
- Glass fitter.

I was told you needed
several new panes of glass.

I was just taking
some preliminary measurements.

Do you always wear formal
dress on the job?

- "Elite glass for any class."
- Is that a fact?

You bet your ass.

Ah! That'll be
my assistant.

Godfrey, you've made your estimates.
We can toddle off now.

Hey, what's the hell
going on here?

Good evening,
Mr. Holmes.

- Ooh!
- No, not him. It's his younger brother.

- Oh.
- Enjoying the entertainment, are you?

Not bad. The clowns
aren't very funny...

but you can't have
everything.

Would you have some accommodations
for our two friends, signor...

where no one could
possibly disturb them?

Well, I got
the guest room.

It's, uh,
a little bit small...

but, uh...

very, very private.

Good night, boys. Don't have bad dreams.

I am very frightened.

Nothing is hopeless,
do you understand?

Nothing!

I wish I knew
what in Christ's name...

he was
saying to Moriarty.

Professore...

this room
is inches wide.

My little saw is gonna come
right down the middle.

I hope you like
the color red.

- I also read lips.
- Hello.

- What?
- Our inflated bodies...

are approximately
inches thick...

but without air in them,
they'd only be inches thick—

- Give or take an inch.
- An inch?

Now then, when I say go,
start exhaling for all you're worth...

but not before I say so,
or you might be forced to inhale...

while the saw's on us.

- Do you understand?
- Of course.

All right!

Now!

That way, quickly.

Coming late.

#We're singing
at the party #

#We ate a great
big dinner #

# Hot hors d'oeuvres,
Cold hors d'oeuvres #

# Oy, did we stuff
ourselves #

#The chicken
was delicious #

# Everyone is dancing #

# Up and down,
all around #

# Let's hope
we don't get sick #

Hey!
I'm here!

#You cannot hide
this ángel face #

# I knew you
by your smell #

Is this rotten
or wonderfully brave?

Shh!

# Stop that, you're
such a tickle-tease #

#You know I'm
super passionate #

# Oh, my, you make
my heart go down #

#Try to hold on
to your sex urge #

# I won't
I can't sleep over #

#All right
I'll try it once #

# If I see that
it doesn't work #

# I know that, ah,
maybe practice would help #

- #You gotta first meet my mama #
- Wait a minute!

#You gotta sample
her cooking #

#I'm not hungry #

- #Just antipasto #
- No!

#And after #

#We'll hop into bed #

#You've got your hand
on my wife's boobies #

Ay-yi!

# Ricardo #

# Ricardo #

# Ricardo #

#Why don't we all drink #

#Why don't we all drink #

#Some very sexy wine #

# Why don't we all drink #

# Some very sexy wine #

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.
- Huh?

# Why don't we all drink #

# Some very sexy wine #

#The princess
was in peril #

#The chicken
was delicious #

# Now we drink,
Now we dance #

# Let's hope we don't
get sick #

# Salu-te #

Ooh!

- #Why don't we all #
- Shut your mouth!

#The chicken
was in peril #

#The princess
was delicious #

# Now we drink
Now we dance #

#Let's hope
we don't get sick #

# Stop that, you're
such a tickle-tease #

# You know
I'm super passionate #

# Oh, my, you make my heart go pow #

# Try to hold on
to your sex urge #

#I won't
I can't sleep over #

#All right
I'll try it once #

#If I see that
it doesn't work #

#I know that, ah,
maybe practice would help #

# First taste
my mommy's cooking #

#You cannot say #

# I'm not hungry #

# I'm not hungry #

#Just smell
her gnocchi #

#And after #

#We'll hop into bed #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# Ohh #

#And me #

Oh, boy!

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

# I want you now #

#Ricardo #

# Ricardo #

- Ow!
- # Ricardo #

# Oh, what regret when love
devours my heart #

# Oh #

sh*t!

# Oh ##

Stay back!

A Webly's Number Two,
I think, carries only six cartridges.

Yes, that's right,
six.

You're too sh*t smart
for your own good, boy.

This sword I'm carrying
is not a prop.

Neither is this.

Did you know I used to be
the th best fencer in Europe?

If that's true...

this should be
very exciting.

Drop your sword,
Mr. Holmes.

Drop it
or I'll—

Blow your brains out.

I always wanted
one of those.

Well, let's try out,
Mr. Holmes.

That's the way to do it.

Hyah!

You're just being used,
you know.

Your brother only meant
you for a decoy.

- Did you figure that out yet?
- Yes.

- Ow!
- Oh, be careful of those spikes, lad.

They can hurt something
desperate.

Like that.

It's very difficult
to be a hero in real life.

You were good, son.
You were very good!

But you must always, always,
be thinking two and three moves ahead.

Your brother's
a master at it.

Now, give me that document...

or I'll shove this
right through your throat.

I love pure reason.

Good lad! Good!
That's the idea!

I even brought one myself,
just in case.

I wonder which
is the real one.

Drop your sword
or I'll throw these into the river.

Only two left.

This is fun!

Right.

We both know there were four fakes
on that prop table.

Now give me the real document
you took from Gambetti...

or, I swear to God,
I'll k*ll you.

Good-bye, son.

Bye-bye.

I still win!

- How are you?
- Never better.

- You?
- Tip-top.

Oh, you did it, boss!
You outsmarted them all!

Aw, you genius
son of a g—

Just leave it on that table,
would you?

Don't you have to get it
to Lord Redcliff?

I think it will be
in his hands...

in a very short while.

Holmes, how can you
ever repay him?

By playing the violin,
Watson.

By playing the violin.

- Hello!
- Hello.

What do you call
this kind of a day?

This is a crazy day.

- Aren't you being married in a few
minutes? - I most certainly am.

Your telegram said urgent.

Urgent?
Is that what I said?

I didn't— I'm— I—
What did I say, "urgent"?

- Yes.
- I just wanted to say good-bye.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Bye.

What the hell am I
supposed to do now?