01x04 - Moist Vessel

[bunniefuu]

FREEMAN: Stardate . .

The Cerritos is working
alongside the USS Merced

in the relocation of an
ancient generation ship,

which, due to some unknown calamity,

never reached its destination.

Her crew, adrift for centuries,

mummified in disabled cryo units.

Their most precious cargo...

mysterious containers of molecular fluid

which generates life
from inorganic material.

We suspect they planned
to use it on a dead planet

to create a habitable environment

they could call home.

The Merced is here

to ensure the generation
ship is preserved

during transportation,

and I want everyone to
give them full support.

Captain Durango and I both served

on the Illinois many years ago,

and it is a true delight to be
able to work with him again.

[YAWNING]

Trouble sleeping, Ensign?

No, I slept great. I mean,
maybe too good, honestly.

Just distribute the PADDs.

Starfleet believes this alien vessel

is equipped with unique
terraforming technology:

an elemental fluid which
can transform inert matter

into a living ecosystem.

Towing it will be a delicate procedure.

Even the slightest flux in tractor beam

stabilization could damage...

[YAWNING]

Oh. Oh, I am so sorry. I'm sorry.

It is just so much information.

I don't know how you
guys aren't yawning.

[SCOFFS] Your crew doesn't
appear to appreciate the gravity

of our undertaking, Captain.

I assure you, Captain,

my people are the best in the fleet.

They're proficient, alert and...

- [YAWNING]
- [SCOFFS] Mariner!

I am trying to hold it in!

[YAWNING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

MARINER: Ugh!

I had to yawn, okay? I'm sorry.

That guy is super boring.
Like, "Oh, I'm boring.

I love museums and dust and old gates".

I know he's boring. He's
been boring for years!

But right now, he's telling
everyone on the Merced

that I don't have the
respect of my crew.

If you ever disrespect
me like that again,

I'll skip the court-martial
and blow you out the airlock.

Cool. Well, live long and prosper.

Don't you give me that
sarcastic Vulcan salute!

Beckett!

Captain, I have the sensor
data that you requested.

Huh? Oh, right. The sensors.

Ugh. I'm sorry, Jack.
It's just Ensign Mariner.

Ugh. I feel like she stays up all night

coming up with new ways to piss me off.

I honestly don't know why you
haven't kicked her off the ship.

[CLEARS THROAT]
But since it's not my job

to question your motives...

If you want to avoid conflict,

why not reassign her
to all the worst jobs?

That way, transferring
would be her idea, not yours.

Hmm.

Well, we could reassign her

to all the nastiest jobs on the ship.

That way, transferring her
would be her idea, not mine.

Brilliant plan. That's
why you're the captain.

Assignment time!

Hatchi machi! [GASPS]

I got conference room
cleanup duty. In your face!

- Last time I checked, that was very lame.
- [HUMMING]

Why would you dance?
That's not a danceable job.

That's where all the senior
officer action happens!

Plus, they have access to better
replicator programs than we do,

and sometimes they
let you eat with them!

It's, like, basically the same food.

No, it's not!

They get, like, gnocchi
and fritters and...

Doesn't matter. It's good, okay?

- [PADD CHIRPING]
- Oh, man. I got to monitor

power fluctuations in the tractor beam?

I wanted to monitor power fluctuations

in the impulse relays.

Rutherford! I'm about to
go watch an ascension.

What? That's amazing!
What's an ascension?

Some people who master the art

of alien meditation can
achieve inner peace.

Then they transcend the physical realm

and become a being of pure energy.

- Isn't that cool?
- Oh, like a Q or a the Traveler?

No! It's more like studying
so much for a test

that you literally become the test.

[LAUGHS] You become everything!

Damn, that is cool.

I can't believe I actually
get to see it in person!

I wonder if it's gonna make a sound

like "vrr" or "hmm" or "whoo".

I guess I'll know soon!

Anyway, let's see what I got assigned.

"Turbolift lubing,
holodeck waste removal

and scraping carbon
off the carbon filter"?

Ooh. Those are the
worst jobs on the ship.

Scraping carbon off of
slightly harder carbon?

That's Klingon prison stuff.

This is weird.

[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]

[QUIETLY]: Wow.

[LAUGHING SOFTLY]: Wow.

Oh.

[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]

As I grow closer to decorporation,

words start to lose meaning.

[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]

Hey, are-are we supposed to join in?

Hmm...

[GASPS] A Tzutchian gong?!

[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

- Oh.
- MAN: [SNEEZES] What's happening?

- WOMAN: Is he ascending?
- MAN : I think he's ascending.

- WOMAN: He's ascending.
- Really?! No, no, no, no!

- [GRUNTS]
- [GONG CLANGS]

- Aah!
- [GASPS] My sand mandala!

- No, no, no, no!
- I can fix it! I can fix it!

I've been laying that for two years!

It was a physical representation
of my inner calm!

No, no, it's gonna...
it's gonna be totally fine.

Just keep ascending! Computer,

colorful sand, room temperature.

Well, uh... there.

See? It's-it's... it's all good.

We're good. We're good. It's fine. Uh...

If I had known I was going

to be emptying the holodeck biofilters,

I wouldn't have had
so much for breakfast.

Welp, have fun with your terrible jobs.

I got to go clean the
executive conference room

and eat some lobster ravioli. Peace.

Uh, no. Uh-uh. Sorry.

It does not look cool when you do it.

Damn it, it does.

- [GRUMBLING]
- [BEEPING]

[GRUNTS, GAGS, GROANS]

Ugh.

[GASPS] Computer, emergency
stop turbolift nine!

[GROANS, SPITS]

Ugh! Hey, I'm working up here!

SHAXS: Sorry.

[GROANING]

[MUTTERING]

Oh, this is the worst!
Oh, wait a minute.

Hey, buddy, do you want
to make this interesting?

How? Like, bet on who can
finish their piece first?

- Yeah.
- All right, sure. Why not?

Yeah, I'll get in on that.

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] All right! Hell yeah!

Syncing tractor beams
in three, two, one.

Whoa. I was wrong. These
fluctuations are great.

Aw, man, look at these amplitudes!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hi. Um, I just... I feel terrible
about the... you know.

Don't worry about it. Don't talk to me.

Anyway, I went and
found a Hiverian metronome,

and apparently, if you just relax

and let it sync to your biorhythm,

we can get you back on track
and ascending by this afternoon!

You think I can realign a decade
of spiritual enlightenment

by this afternoon?!

Tomorrow morning at the latest.

You just have to find your calm. Ah!

I... don't... want...

your... help!

Has Mariner submitted
her transfer request?

[CHUCKLES] I'm going to frame it.

She's... having a great time.

- What?!
- She's finding little ways

to inject joy into
otherwise horrible tasks.

Then give her worse jobs.

I've got her emptying [BLEEP]

out of the holodeck's [BLEEP] filter!

Ugh. People really use it for that?

Oh, yeah, it's mostly that.

Oh, if she finds a way to enjoy that,

then what the hell are we
gonna do to get her to resign?

I don't know, but there has to be

something on this ship she hates.

Hmm...

Ensign Mariner, report
to Conference Room Five.

Whoa-hoa, another
conference room meeting?

Shocker. You guys debating
the Prime Directive again?

Pretty fascinating stuff.

- [LAUGHTER]
- What is...?

No, no. No laughing.

I was making fun of you, not with you.

Well, since you're one of us now,

I guess you're making fun of yourself.

What?

- [SHUDDERS]: No.
- Ensign Beckett Mariner,

- No, no, no, no.
- I am pleased to grant you a promotion.

No!

Congratulations, Lieutenant Mariner.

BOIMLER [GASPS]: Lieutenant?

Lieu... Lieu... Lieutenant?

Looking forward to serving with you

for a long, long time.

Good job, Mariner.
Well earned, well earned.

[STAMMERING]

[GASPS] This is real! This is real!

Wow! Thanks. I'm gonna take off.

Oh, right after this
very important meeting.

All right, meeting's started.

We need to choose new
conference room chairs.

A beige chair with a leather
strip right down the middle.

T'ANA: Hey! We all agree
that a strip of leather

is too ostentatious.

We did not all agree.

RANSOM: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the barstools?

SHAXS: Barstools hurt my back.

BILLUPS [SIGHS]: You're
not sitting on them right.

SHAXS: Not sitting on them right?

I've k*lled better men for less.

No, you haven't.

Well, I've threatened to k*ll better men

- for about the same.
- Strap in. This will take a while.

RANSOM: Barstools are cool!

♪ ♪

RANSOM [OVER COMBADGE]:
Lieutenant Mariner,

report to command
prep for mission audit.

[GROANS]

It's a monumental find, Captain.

Starfleet Command ought to
just start engraving my name

- on a plaque right now.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, and yours, too, Durango, of course.

There. I'm done.

Great work, Lieutenant. Now
you get to audit the audit.

[GROANS]

RANSOM: Lieutenant Mariner,
report to the officers' lounge

- for management training.
- No...

[FREEMAN SCAT SINGING]

♪ Oh, za-beeba-dodden,
doo-bah-dum-dow, yeah! ♪

And that's why being a captain
is a lot like vocal jazz...

it's all about the notes you don't scat.

Oh, no. No.

Now, here to teach us about
promoting diverse perspectives,

welcome Lieutenant Winger Bingston Jr.

in his one-man show,
The United Federation

of Characters.

Oh, hello. Didn't see you beam in there.

[GROANING]

RANSOM: Lieutenant Mariner,
report to executive poker.

[GROANS]: Oh...

Look alive, Mariner.

This game's about to
get very interesting.

Hmm.

I...

...fold.

[ALL MURMURING]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[SUCKING AIR]

Fold.

[ALL MURMURING]

Hmm...

She folds! You all fold!

Every time you all fold! You fold!

Don't tell me what to do!

I'm gonna fold.

I'm all in! Woops. I got nothin'.

Guess I lose.

Are you out of your mind?!

We don't go all in!

It's a friendly game!

Oh-ho-ho... No.

Here I am, trying to
help the guy ascend,

and he won't even give
me a chance! [GROANS]

I want to help him so bad it hurts!

Geez, I get that you want to
see an ascension happen, but,

- like, isn't this a bit much?
- No!

It's not enough! I owe it to O'Connor.

I'm just gonna have to study
the ancient ways twice as much,

just frickin' blow 'em
away with spirituality.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't
think it works like that.

Yeah? Well, it's gonna
have to. Wish me luck!

- And you can finish my lunch.
- It's okay.

I don't need another lunch. Oh! Pudding!

- [GASPS] You get your own quarters?
- Yeah. It's the worst.

I'm so far away from everyone.

What did you do? How did
you... how did you get this?

- Same thing I usually do.
- But-but I go above and beyond,

and you don't even try.
Why would they...?

I don't get it, either, man.
Bad is good. I don't know.

BILLUPS: Lieutenant
Mariner, report to ops

for review of scheduled ops.

Oh, great! Ops!

- Pray for me.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

So...

they like when you break rules, huh?

[CHANTING]: Utique, saeculorum

lapsu...

- [GROANS] Don't you have work?
- Oh, I'm using my vacation days.

So, I realized, if you
mix and match prayers

from different cultures,

you can increase your
chance of ascending.

We can b*at the system!

- Please! Just get away from me!
- [BUZZING]

- [GASPING]
- These florkas are a vital part

of the ascension process
for the Tamarians.

Stop it! Don't come near me anymore.

You don't get to be the hero here,

- because you are the villain.
- [GASPS]

- Aah!
- Just center yourself for five minutes!

[PANTING]: Please.
I'll align your chakra.

- I'll reiki you.
- No!

Got to figure out a way to be bad.

Get a promotion. Got to be
bad, Boimler, got to be bad.

WOMAN [OVER COMBADGE]: Ensign
Boimler, report to bridge duty at .

Oh, I'll report to bridge duty,

and they'll get exactly
what they deserve!

- What?
- Uh... Oh, nothing.

That was a holodeck. Uh, Moriarty.

[WHISPERS]: Exactly what they deserve.

Mariner. Heh.

Care to share a status update?

I don't know. We're towing a
rusted old ship full of mummies?

If you don't feel like you fit in here,

I could find you a post on another ship.

Mm, no, thanks.

Don't forget, all senior officers

are meeting up later
for Ransom's birthday.

It's mandatory.

He's going to sing and
play acoustic guitar...

for hours.

And the songs, oh-ho,
well, he wrote them!

They're all about the month
he lived in Barcelona.

You know, I get what
you're trying to do here,

- and it is sick.
- I'm doing exactly what I need to.

It's called being a captain.

No, it's called being a d*ck!

♪ ♪

[DURANGO GROANS]

Are we reading any
vibrations in the hull?

No, sir. The transport
is going smoothly.

All readings are nominal.

Move us closer to the generation ship.

Sir, I-I believe the Cerritos
is in a better position to...

We're in charge of this
mission, Lieutenant.

Our positioning should reflect that.

- Take us in.
- Yes, sir.

You know, there's no
peninsula more sensual

- than the... Iberian.
- BARNES: Commander.

The Merced is maneuvering
awfully close to our tow sector.

What? Put them on-screen.

Captain Durango, you
are way out of formation.

I don't have to explain
myself to you, Commander.

The protection of this
artifact is my duty. Mine!

- Durango!
- Sir, I'm reading

a highly carbonized
particle cloud erupting

- from the generation ship.
- Terraforming emulsion

has engulfed our hull! It's transfor...

It's being funneled towards
us on the tractor beam!

- Evasive maneuver alpha!
- It's too late!

- [RUMBLING]
- RANSOM: Captain,

we have a serious problem here.

Terraforming fluid is
dissolving the hull.

- Structural integrity is...
- Here's your coffee, sir.

- ...in serious jeopardy of breaking... Aah!
- Woops.

Are you out of your mind?!

COMPUTER: Environmental
irregularities detected.

Emergency force field, Corridor !

♪ ♪

[GASPS]

Whoa, did you feel that?

Humidity's up. The
pressure just dropped.

- I think the air's being modified.
- Not on my watch.

This is your watch, right now.
It is literally happening now.

Oh, can you not, even for a moment...

Look out!

[RUMBLING]

COMPUTER: Unauthorized terraformation.

[GASPING] Whoa!

[GRUNTING, GASPING]

Ah!

- What's happening?
- I don't know!

TENDI: No!

Damn this gorgeous coral!

[GRUNTS] Well, this is just great!

I could have been one with
the universe right now.

This is all your fault!

You know what? I'm
glad you didn't ascend,

- 'cause you're a jerk!
- Yeah, right.

You've been obsessed with ascending me.

I don't care about you ascending.

All I really wanted was
for you to like me!

Wait. Wh-What?

It kills me when
someone doesn't like me.

I can't sleep. It's all
I think about. It feels

like ants in my brain.

- Yeah. No, I get that.
- Oh, please.

You haven't had a
negative thought for years.

[O'CONNOR SCREAMS]

[GASPING, COUGHING]

Well, since we're gonna
die here, I'll just tell you.

I was never going to ascend.

I was faking.

- What? Why?
- It's hard to stand out in Starfleet.

This gave me an edge. It was my thing.

I was the ascension guy.

But then, I was going
for so long not ascending

that I got worried that people
would catch on, which is why

I used you as cover.

I'm a jerk.

We're both jerks!

We wanted to be liked,
and lied about it.

I think that means we're best friends!

I'm about to die with my best friend!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

If we can get down to the
environmental controls,

- there might be a way to reverse this.
- Uh... mm.

Are you sure that's
the best rock for this?

What? Yes. No. Yes,
it's fine. It's a rock.

Look, I'm-I'm just saying,

I think you should use
the shale over there.

Mom, it is the same thing.
Just leave me alone.

It's just maybe you'd want
one with more of a point.

Oh, my God! Why do you

have to second-guess
every choice I make?

...suggestion to help you,
Beckett. What-what

- am I supposed to do?
- Right?

Just stand by and let you
keep making a mistake?

What I would prefer is if
you would just let me do me.

There. See?

The rock was fine.

Yeah, well, we could
have gotten here faster.

You're going a little
fast, don't you think?

- Yup. I thought you wanted fast.
- Not that fast.

Are you trying to get us k*lled here?

Make sure you're
gripping with both hands.

You know, okay, okay, you know what?

- Maybe I should just lead.
- Oh, my God!

Will you just stop?!

I am good at this. Just trust me!

- Well, I'm just looking out for you.
- Yeah.

That's the whole problem,
Mom. You treat me like a child.

Well, if you would
stop acting like a child

and more like a mature crew member,

then I would treat you accordingly.

Oh, you think I'm immature?

You're the one trying to
trick me into quitting.

How is that mature?

Yeah, that's what I thought, Carol.

You did not just call me "Carol".

Whatever, Carol.

[BOTH GASP]

[TENDI GRUNTS]

[BOTH YELL]

Oh, no, this is it!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[BOTH YELL]

- [BOTH GASP]
- [ALARM SOUNDS]

[O'CONNOR CHUCKLES]

- Ah.
- [RUMBLING]

No! [GRUNTS]

- [ALARM SOUNDING]
- [GASPS] Aah! No!

[GRUNTING]

Get out of here!

I'll be okay. You need to save yourself.

No way. I'm not leaving you!

Tendi, it's okay.

I did this for you.

No!

Yes! The systems are still on line.

Affected areas are saturated
with carbon polymer dust.

We need Parizene gas. Flood the
ship, then trigger a reversion

with radiation from the main deflector.

Unless you think we
should use a pointier rock.

No, that's... exactly what
I was going to suggest.

I'm just impressed.

You read my mission brief, didn't you?

No. I... No. Well, I
mean, maybe a little,

but just ironically, just
so I could make fun of it.

Uh-huh. Okay. Computer, hit it.

COMPUTER: Hitting it.

[HISSING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my gosh. We're gonna be okay!

Holy [BLEEP]. I was so ready to die.

You saved my life.

You saved mine first.

[TENDI MOANS SOFTLY]

- [GASPS]
- Oh, no. What's happening?!

- Oh, my gosh, you're ascending!
- [GROANING]

I am? I am!

- Oh. Ah!
- It must have been when you saved me!

When you were willing to
sacrifice yourself for me!

I pretended to be finding myself

for so long, I guess I actually did!

I... Ow. Ooh, okay. Wow.

Oh, that actually burns.
[INHALES SHARPLY]

Uh, is this supposed to be happening?

- Uh-oh. Okay, you're smoking.
- It burns.

It burns! Aah! Help!

Oh, I don't... I don't want to ascend!

- [SCREAMS]
- Drop and roll!

Drop and roll! Drop back
into the physical and roll.

- Drop back into the physical and roll!
- Aah!

Time has no meaning!

Aah! No, it's happening!

I'm everywhere and nowhere!

I can see everything!

I'm turning into pure energy!

- Why is it taking so long?!
- Aah!

Aah! I see Abraham Lincoln!

The universe is balanced on
the back of a giant koala!

Why is he smiling? What does he know?

The secret... of... life is...

[SCREAMING]

Uh, all right. Well, good
luck being everything.

Sorry I helped.

- Ransom, report.
- All systems stable, Captain.

But the Merced... she
had far greater exposure

to the terraform cloud.

Her life support's critical.

Oh, man. At-at this point,
they need a whole new ship.

Or... a whole old one.

Initiating emergency
transport for all crew

of the Merced to the generation ship.

Beam them into the stasis chamber.

It's still sealed off
and should be safe.

Huh. Durango should be right at home

with some dusty old mummies.

[WHOOSHING]

Oh, my gosh, we did it. We did it!

All crew accounted for!

RANSOM: Captain Freeman,
Admiral Vassery is on his way.

Very good.

I'm really glad we found
a way to work together.

Yeah, you know, it's
a nice change of pace.

Going for each other's jugulars

all the time is kind of exhausting.

- I'm proud of you.
- Oh. Thanks, Mom.

Maybe you are fit to be
one of my senior officers.

Your chair right next to mine,
spending all our time together,

an unstoppable mommy-daughter team!

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

Admiral Vassery,
welcome to the Cerritos.

Starfleet commends your
bravery and ingenuity.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to get back to work.

Apparently, we've picked
up a strange signal

on our sense-oars.

Quite all right, Admiral.

And what did your sense-oars show?

Well, nothing at first,
but the long-range

- sense-oars revealed...
- Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. I am sorry.

Are you trying to say the
word "sensors", 'cause to me,

you're saying "sense-oars".
What is that?

That's how it's said. "Sense-oars".

- Everyone knows that.
- Sense-oars. Sense-oars.

Yes, that's right. It
sounds right to me.

Me, too. I say it like that.

What? No, you don't. This is nuts.

Yo, she's making fun of you, dummy.

She doesn't say "sense-oars".

Well, of course I do.
[WHISPERS]: Stop it.

Is this how your crew treats authority

when it's known I mispronounce things?

Are you really making fawn of me?

Admiral, no.

I thought we came to an understanding.

Uh, maybe you need to
adjust your "sense-oars".

Would you just stop?

I have never been shown
such disrespect and...

- [YAWNING]
- Is she yawning?!

You know, when O'Connor was screaming

and turning into energy,
it made me realize

that life's too short to be hung up

on whether everyone
on the ship likes me.

That's great, 'cause I'm sure
there's at least a few who don't.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And who cares? Not me.

So, who are these few
people? What did they say?

Do they not like me? You
know what? I don't care.

But if someone said something,
I feel like I should know.

Who was it?!

[GASPS] Where's your pip?

Uh, I'm pretty good at getting demoted.

In the last hour?!

Uh, yeah. Apparently,
the captain doesn't like

looking stupid in front
of an admiral, so...

What I... But I-I can't.

You-you had everything
that I ever wanted in life,

and you didn't even care!
How are we even friends?

Maybe because I still have
the senior officer access card

for the good replicator programs.

Oh! I'm gonna get that macaroni
and cheese with the breaded top!

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]:
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Chirp.