♪♪ [theme]
Let's take a look in there.
Give me the rib spreader.
-Rib spreader.
-What is it? What is--
-[all exclaiming]
-Again? Come on
with the lights!
-POTTER: Get some
lanterns in here.
-Ow! Margaret,
you've caught my finger
in the spreader! Geez.
Great! Terrific!
Just dandy!
Hey, Bonzo, the auxiliary
generator is missing.
Got a distended abdomen here.
I need some gastric suction.
We'll whomp up
a good old-fashioned,
hand-operated
Wangensteen suction.
Welcome back, son.
I think I missed you even
more than I miss Mildred.
Either of you seen Radar?
Last I saw him, he was
in the officers club
having a touch
of the grape.
Why? What's wrong?
Plenty.
I just got a wire from
the boy's mother in Iowa.
Radar's uncle Ed passed away.
I'm goin' home, sir?
Radar, Lord knows your mother
is a strong woman,
but she won't make it alone.
You ought to be there
with her.
Radar, I'm very
happy for you.
Yeah. I'm happy for me too.
I guess.
Gee.
I thought I lost this.
What is it?
It's my very own personal
personal-type thermometer.
-Colonel Blake gave it
to me,just before he-- -Aw,
Radar.
You got the rest of your life
to look at stuff like that.
I'm in trouble here now!
Hey, look.
It's my Purple Heart.
Hawkeye pinned this
on me himself.
He even saluted me.
Hawkeye's
never saluted anybody.
I think I'm already on my own.
My uncle Ed.
[clicks tongue]
Gee, I got so busy,
I forgot how much
I'm gonna miss him.
Look, kid, I know
it's tough on ya.
Believe me, I feel
as bad as you do.
But you just can't
throw me to the wolves.
Klinger, look,
you've got to learn
to do this stuff yourself!
Nobody helped me
when I took this job.
Yeah, but you're a born clerk.
I'm a born civilian.
I hate offices. I'm lousy
with numbers and letters.
I get paper cuts,
and I lose things.
When I was a kid, my mother
pinned my bike to my sleeve.
Listen, I'm not
the clerk anymore.
You're the clerk.
And this is
a very important job!
Everybody depends
on ya for everything.
Don't you understand that?
They depend on you
for the mail,
the supplies-- even the
generators.
Now, look. You better
pull yourself together,
or this place is gonna
be one heck of a mess.
Well, my compliments to you
and Dr. Wangensteen, Colonel.
This refuse collection of yours
is apparently very effective.
Well, it'll do
the trick for now,
but I'll be glad when we
get back to the real thing.
Colonel, I'm impressed.
What next?
Hamster power
for the X-ray machine?
I haven't seen one of these
things since nursing school.
It's working fine.
Just don't forget to flip
those jugs, Hunnicutt.
You know, I'm gonna miss
Radar something terrible.
There's a lot of that
goin' around.
Come on, I'll buy you a cup
of genuine mess tent coffee.
Good idea. That brew will
stiffen anybody's upper lip.
You know,
I feel a little strange
about Radar's leaving too.
Funny, in all his time here,
I've never given him
a second thought.
Granted, his departure
will create
something of a vacuum,
but then again--[Chuckles]
so did his presence.
He reminds me of an old
Raggedy Ann doll
I had as a kid.
I'd kick it,
pull out its eyes,
yell at it, ignore it,
and then, when I lost it,
I'd cry for days.
I know exactly how you felt.
I once had the same
experience with a butler.
Boy, that guy
really gets on my nerves.
-Wow! Hot Lips!
-[chuckling]
Well, O'Reilly,
you must be brimming
with anticipation.
Back to your native "Io-way"
and your American Dream--
haystacks, chawin' tobacco,
sitting around the silos,
sh**ting the breeze
with your bovines--
Land o' Goshen,
that's the life.
Yeah. I haven't thought
of nothin' else
ever since Colonel Potter
gave me the word.
Not a very good way
to be going back home,
but at least I'll be there.
And we'll be here
with no electricity.
You haven't given that
much thought, have you?
That's not true, sir.
Me and Klinger
are workin' on it.
Mostly me. I don't mean to be
a tattletale or nothin',
but Klinger stinks.
[chuckles] Indeed.
With that dolt in charge
of acquiring a generator,
we'll be powerless forever.
Perhaps, when you
get back to Io-way,
you'd think to send us
some batteries.
Huh? Oh, sure.
I wouldn't let you down, sir.
You'll see.
O'Reilly, your loyalty
to this unit
is truly commendable.
Well, sure, sir.
That's because you guys
are all swell.
You know, when you all
get back home,
you're all invited
to Ottumwa for a big party.
I will be counting the hours
until I hear the old dinner
bell...a-clangin'.
KLINGER: Hey, Radar!
There's a guy
named Alvin on the phone.
About the generator!
Well, talk to him. You're
the company clerk now. Come on!
Well, okay, Mr. O'Reilly.
But on your way home,
I hope you have to sit
next to a sweaty fat guy
who brought his own salami.
See the kind of coping
I gotta put up with?
B.J.: Hey, Radar.
-Huh?
-Can you give me a hand here?
Yes, sir.
Oh, gee, your
"hoosenwagon" broke down.
No problem. I happen
to be a certified
hoosenwagon repairman.
Just keep that above
the level of that jar.
Yeah, I know.
Uh, sir. If you don't
mind my sayin' so
that whatchamacallit looks
pretty breakdownable.
They don't make
these Wangensteens
the way they used to.
I think that's got it.
If we don't get some power
around here soon,
it's gonna be lights out
for everything.
Yeah. Uh, sir, as long as your
whatchamadoodle is working,
I think I'd better take a call.
Sure.
Hey, Klinger. Don't hang up!
Alvin, all I want
is a lousy backup generator.
Aw, come on! I've already
offered you everything,
plus a couple of things
I don't got!
That's it. There's no more.
You're crazy! Where in Korea
am I gonna get
a frozen custard machine?
BOTH: What's a frozen
custard machine?
Hey, listen.
We need that generator.
It gets pretty dark around
here at night, you know.
[helicopter whirring]
-Uh-oh.
-Oh, no.
Alvin! Forget the generator.
Just send me all the jeeps
and trucks you got.
Yes, that's right!
You heard me.
Send them now.
We got wounded.
Come on, Klinger.
It's gonna get dark P.D.Q.
-[trucks revving]
-RADAR: Okay.
Hold it right there.
That's it. Get your lights
on the patients, fellas.
Jack. Jack, will you
get the lead out?
This isn't a Sunday
social, you know.
Come on! Let's get a little
light in here. Come on.
All right, hold it.
Hold it right there.
Is that better, sir?
Perfecto. Radar, if they gave
the Congressional Medal
of Honor for smarts,
by gum, you'd have one.
Thank you, sir. I'm just
doin' my former job.
Stroke of genius.
I can actually see
where I'm cutting.
Well, lookee here.
There's your medal.
You just might have
saved this boy's life.
Looks fine. Let's
start sewing. Catgut.
Radar, if you're not
a certifiable,
fur-lined, 24-carat hero,
I'll kiss your tootsies
at the commandant's picnic.
Keep it up, folks.
Thanks to Corporal O'Reilly,
we're gonna make it
through this night.
-[cheering]
-HAWKEYE: I hope so
'cause the Auto Club
can't keep coming over here
to jump-start
our operating room.
What a curious turn
in my medical career--
from the operating theater
at Boston General
to the drive-in theater
at Ouijongbu.
Clamp! Ow!
Who goes to bed
and dreams up
this horror every night?
Somebody ought to tell him
to lay off the anchovy
pizzas before sack time.
This is some place,
our little hospital
on the banks
of the River Styx.
Easy to find.
Just follow Calamity Lane
to the giant parking lot.
Wounds healed while you wait.
Am I ranting? I hope so.
You know,
my ranting gets raves.
I brought sponges
for sponging.
And now,
from the "wish I were
in his shoes" department
Corporal Radar
"I can see the old homestead
from here" O'Reilly.
Tell me how it feels.
Are you excited?
Have you packed your
things twice already?
Gonna get a window seat
on the plane?
All of me
is green with envy,
especially my finger,
which is gangrene.
You've got it.
[sighs deeply]
God, my finger hurts.
I thought I'd seen it all.
I've cut in caves,
huts, and trenches.
I've sewn enough intestine
to stretch from here
to the Mayo Clinic.
But never in all my years
have I had a session like that.
And without your brainstorm,
we'd never have made it.
Just comes
with experience, sir.
I don't even know how long
we were out there.
Ten hours and 24 minutes.
I guess you've
filled out the report.
It's on your desk,
already signed by you.
Listen, son. After the camp
gets 40 or 50 winks,
we'll all be gathering
in the mess tent
for your shove-off soiree.
Uh, that's not necessarily
necessary, sir.
It damn well is.
You deserve it.
No.
I mean, on account
of I've decided to stay.
What?
You been nippin'
at this hooch?
Colonel, if I left now,
you'd be up a tree
without a paddle.
Been there many times
before, son.
Don't let that stop ya.
Colonel, I can fix it
so my mom
can manage without me.
But the 4077 is different.
You saw what just
happened out there.
A lot of lives depend
on me doin' my job,
and I'm the only one
around here who can.
Radar, I appreciate
your...loyalty,
but you're making
a big mistake.
You've done your duty.
Now, I don't care
how bad things get.
I want your keister
on that plane
the day after tomorrow.
Sir, with all due respect
to your colonel-ness,
you can't order me to go.
Boy, you're not
usin' your head.
Think it over.
I have. My place is here.
There you are.
Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
Don't "Hi, Hawkeye" me.
Go home,
you little airhead!
I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna do that.
Why? You're Corporal
Mahatma Gandhi?
You're gonna out-endure us?
That's my unpacking
you're packing.
We all wait for that day.
We dream about it.
We pray for it.
We'd sacrifice a virgin to it
if we could find one.
-How dare you!
-I'm sorry.
There's too much
around here I gotta do.
No, no, no. You're not
pulling that tripe on me.
They've been holding wars
long before you signed up,
and the fun'll continue
long after you leave.
Let me put this as
gracefully as I can:
We don't need you.
Oh, you don't, huh?
How's your generator?
Is Klinger
gonna find you one?
If things got tough,
and you were the one
that was leavin',
-you'd be stayin'.
-Don't bet on it.
I'd be out of here so fast,
my shorts would have to
catch the next plane.
-Get--Ow!
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I saw you workin' in O.R.
with your hurt finger.
You'd stay.
Don't go poking
your nose into my finger.
Hey, listen.
I got responsibilities
around here just like you.
You got responsibilities
at home, you jackass!
Well, how about if I want
to make up my own mind?
I'm no kid anymore, you know?
I've been around.
Oh, excuse me,
Mr. Globetrotter.
That's right.
I'm grown up now.
Why, bless my soul.
Mrs. O'Reilly's little boy
is a big man now.
I guess you've outgrown
all that other stuff, huh?
Ottumwa, the farm--
your mother--
Oh! Your mother!
Have you outgrown
your responsibility to her?
Listen, how I take care
of my mom is my business.
You said it yourself,
Hawkeye.
Nobody should tell somebody
else how to run their life.
First he's going,
then he's staying.
Why is he staying?
Because I'm an idiot.
Why don't we make
everybody happy?
Let the hero stay,
let the idiot go home.
[phone ringing]
4077th. What'd I do wrong now?
O'Reilly? No, he's not here.
How do I know? Probably
out posing for a statue.
Yeah. What is it?
"Hondo McKee." Cute name.
I-Corps Supply.
You got a generator,
and you wanna talk deal.
Oh, yeah? Listen, Hondo. Pal.
I can handle that for ya.
There's your scotch.
Where's my generator?
Boy, you didn't waste
any time getting here.
After I picked up the scotch,
speed was of the essence.
-Oh, yeah? Where
did you get it?
-Don't ask.
It's the code of the desert.
The generator's at Dispatch.
-Ah-ha.
-Before you go,
I'll just
check out the scotch.
-Oh, yes.
-Oh. Ten-hut!
-Are you McKee?
-Yes, sir.
I'm Major George Van Kirk.
243rd Service and Supply.
-I'm here for my generator.
-[mutters in Arabic]
There's your requisition.
I'm here in person
to make sure
that that baby gets to me.
Somehow,
a lot of the stuff
that we order through
this place gets lost.
Sir, I-I'm surprised.
I don't know how
that could be happening.
Your generator's here.
I have personally been
holding it for you.
I hope so, because we're down
to using a puny
backup generator,
and we had to swipe that
from a MASH!
If you just come
to my office, sir,
we'll process this requisition
and have you
out of here in a minute.
Is that a case of scotch
there, Sergeant?
Mm-hmm.
How 'bout throwin' in
a bottle or three?
-Sure thing--
-I wouldn't recommend
that, sir.
This stuff's
been tampered with.
One sip could k*ll ya.
-Oh. Yeah.
-Lousy Commies.
Just follow me, sir.
We'll take care
of that generator.
Damn well better.
I've had two swiped
here already!
[imitating Van Kirk]
Lousy Commies.
I've had two swiped
here already.
Do I hear three?
-[ding ding]
-Yeah?
I'm from the 243rd
Service and Supply
here to pick up the generator.
We're in kind of a hurry!
-Requisition form?
-No got!
I don't issue air without
a requisition form.
Major Van Kirk just
gave it to Hondo.
By the way,
don't rile the major.
He knows you guys have kiped
two of our generators already,
not to mention other
miscellaneous door prizes.
So just roll it out fast,
or we blow the whistle
on this whole scam.
I'll just check with Hondo.
Better still,
go over there yourself.
Then Major Van Kirk can
chew out the two of ya
and not miss a bite.
-[cheering]
-[beeping]
POTTER: Hot diggity dog tags,
Klinger. You did it!
You got us
a real-live generator!
Klinger,
how'd you pull it off?
Well, it was one of those
deals you got started.
I just closed it.
Well, nice goin', for sure!
Who cares how he got it?
I never look a gift
generator in the mouth.
We better get
this thing hooked up fast
before some sneaky
devil swipes it!
Good idea, Colonel.
There's crooks everywhere.
-[motor starts]
-We're back in business,
Colonel.
Yeah, I'm not sure
I trust these newfangled
gadgets, though, Hunnicutt.
-Too many moving parts.
-[chuckles]
-Now for the real heartbreaker.
-What's that?
I've gotta go over to X-ray
and tell the hamster
he's out of work.
Boy, sir, Klinger
was really something,
gettin' that generator,
wasn't he?
I guess I trained him
better than I thought.
I always knew he had
the larceny in him.
Here, son. Kentucky
sippin' whiskey.
Now, don't gulp it.
It has a boomerang effect.
[gasps]
Smooth. [coughs]
I told ya to sip it.
I did, sir.
Oh.
Listen, Radar,
I guess you realize
I'm kinda fond of you.
Lord knows,
I've never met a soul
I could depend on more.
But above all that,
you've been
a damn good friend.
Well, friend,
it's time we said good-bye.
Time you got on
with your life.
You've come as far
as you can go here.
You've earned your wings.
Now you've gotta fly.
You're right, sir.
I am?
Yeah. I was gonna tell you
that I decided
to go home after all.
I really liked
your speech, though.
Thanks. [chuckles]
-I practiced all morning.
-[chuckles]
Well, I've been thinking
about how everybody here
wants me to be home,
and Klinger'll get the hang
of my job, sooner or later.
So it's time to go home.
It sure is, friend.
And tomorrow,
we're gonna give you
one whiz-bang of a send-off.
Hello. Excuse me.
Attention out there.
Would Corporal Radar O'Reilly
please report to
his going-away party?
All of your friends
would love to see you
while they can still see.
Bye-bye. Buy bonds.
So?
I think my tube of toothpaste
opened down there.
Finally, he does his laundry.
Come on. Will you hurry up?
You gotta leave in a few hours.
The nurses are warming up
in the mess tent.
Oh, Hawkeye. Listen.
Before we're together with
everybody, I just wanted to--
No. No. Not until I've had
a couple of bowls of punch.
That way, I can cry and
forget at the same time.
-Hurry.
-Yeah.
[helicopters whirring]
Oh, no. Hawkeye! Hawkeye!
-Hawkeye.
-I hear them.
Radar, there may not
be time for--
I'll find ya, Hawkeye.
POTTER: Bad chest here.
This one's for Winchester.
I should get
Major Winchester.
Guess that's
the last time--
I guess that's the last time
I'll hear that.
Colonel, we've got
most of them numbered.
All right.
Let's get into O.R. pronto!
Well, son, I guess
we can take it from here.
-Yes, sir. I guess you can.
-[shouting]
Not exactly the way I wanted
to say good-bye, Radar.
Me either, sir.
Godspeed, son.
Good-bye, Radar.
You know, you're okay.
-MAN: Klinger.
-Be right there!
I'll make this short, kid.
I'm not much on tearful
good-byes.
Hey, listen. This is for you.
Take good care of it.
That did it.
I'll make you proud of me.
-Klinger.
-Coming!
-So, Radar. Radar,
you've been a real joy.
-Father!
-God bless you.
-Thank you, Father.
And thank God, too.
I will. Bye.
I'll say hello
to your sister the sister.
Best of luck in your bucolic
endeavors, Corporal.
And the same
to you too, sir.
[chuckles]
Thank you, Walter.
-Radar!
-Sir.
It's all set.
Peg and Erin will meet you
-at the San Francisco Airport.
-Oh, good, sir.
-Did you pack Erin's present?
-For sure, sir.
All right.
You tell 'em all about me.
Yes, sir. I'll do that.
That's for Peg,
and that's for Erin.
I'll try to remember
which is which.
MAN: Captain Hunnicutt.
Over here.
Okay!
You take care of
yourself, pal. So long.
Retraction, Lieutenant.
Come on, retraction.
[all chattering]
Thank you.
Hi.
I just wanted to say good-bye
to you guys one more time.
And listen, I don't want you
to worry about nothin'.
'Cause instead of just me,
you're gonna have everybody
takin' care of you now.
I mean, except the cook.
-[chatter]
-Hand me a suture.
B.J.: Give me a sponge.
[horn honking]
Where are you headed?
-Ottumwa, Iowa.
-Never heard of it.
Guess anywhere
you live is home.
I'm ready. Let's go.
[engine starts]
You were a good boy
in there, Pierce.
You only threw one clamp
and two tantrums.
Well,
the finger's improved.
It's up to excruciating.
[sighs] Warm night.
Think I'll take a walk
and unwind.
That sounds relaxing.
I got a couple
of flashlights.
You can look for mines.
I'll check for sn*pers.
Where do you suppose
he is by now?
Doesn't matter.
He's away from here.
-Gonna miss that kid, you know?
-Yeah.
I'm gonna name
my first wife after him.
-Well, I've walked far enough.
-Me too.
Let's see if the bar's
open in this place.
He's probably halfway
to Hawaii by now.
[yawning] I don't want
to think about it anymore.
-Hey, boys.
-Yeah? What?
Good-bye, Radar.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
08x05 - Good-bye Radar: Part 2
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During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.
During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.