♪♪ [theme]
After what I've been through
today, he'll see you now,
and there's no telling
what he'll do.
-Who? Your husband?
-Yes.
How many times
have I told you
what I've been through
this past year?
My life isn't my own.
He suspects us constantly.
The mere mention
of your name, and he--
-he raves like a madman.
-Oh, what a shame.
The current lunacy must be
quite a strain on you.
Pathetic.
Paul, this is no time
to joke. Please--
-How much of this
can a man take?
-Huh?
We must have seen this picture
12 times in the past month.
RITA HAYWORTH:
I've arranged everything...
It's a recurring nightmare
with popcorn.
Shh!
Everything I've done.
You are so completely
bewildered.
I opened in a play
tonight,you know.
[repeating dialogue]
Of course. How was it?
A smash. It went
like a house afire.
-And you?
-At my best.
-I'm so glad.
-Thank you.
B.J.: I'll see you in town
tomorrow morning at 10:00.
Why, you dirty little liar!
Paul! You're mad!
Ah, you'll see me
again tomorrow?
No, not tomorrow
or ever again
as long as you live.
Do you know what it's like
to look in the eyes of a woman
while she's lying? Ha ha ha!
Forgive me. I should be
more tolerant of liars.
I have been one
myself so often.
All right, children!
That does it!
[all complaining]
Switch on those lights!
You two baboons
spoiled a swell movie.
No, we didn't. It's been here
so long, it spoiled by itself.
Yeah!
I've seen better film
forming in my soup!
Yeah? Well,
I happen to think
this is a fine piece
of celluloid.
As a matter of fact,
it's my and Mildred's
favorite.
Mildred loves
Charles Boyer.
This is a w*r,
you know!
Be grateful that
we got a talkie!
We are!
But don't you think
we deserve a little
decent entertainment?
God knows everything else
around here stinks.
-Right?
-Right!
Like the lousy
mail service!
[all shouting]
Okay! Okay!
That's enough!
Well, now, it looks
like we're not the only
malcontents in this tent.
New movies, new movies.
New movies! New movies!
New movies! New movies!
New movies! New movies!
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention! Attention!
Attention, all personnel.
-[vehicle approaching]
-Incoming wounded. Report
to O.R. on the double.
-Sorry, folks.
That's it for the movie.
-[all cheering]
HAWKEYE:
Nothing ever changes.
Same old love stories
in the mess tent.
Same old horror
stories in here.
Some double feature. Hemostat.
Aha. Finis. Cut for me,
please, will you?
Good. Lieutenant, would you
close the skin for me?
I want to get at the hand.
Right. You did a beautiful
job on his leg, Doctor.
Ah. You are indeed
a perceptive woman.
Thank you.
Margaret, I shall need
another nurse here, please.
Yes, I'm gonna
handle it, doctor.
Having some trouble
over there, Winchester?
Au contraire,Colonel.
Thanks to an
incomparable display
of surgical
prestidigitation,
this lad will still have
two legs to stand on
when he gives me the ovation
I so richly deserve.
Ah, the immortal words
of Elizabeth Barrett
Winchester:
How do I love me?
Let me count the ways.
Yowsa, yowsa. Once again
from the Arrogance Ballroom,
you've just heard
Satchmo Winchester
blowing his own horn.
Ha ha ha ha. Spew on,
supercilious twits.
This lad was a mélange
of mortar fragments,
an airtight candidate
for amputation.
But an arterial graft here,
a bit of tendon repair there,
and this boy shall
soon be walking home.
How about the hand,
doctor?
Well,
there's slight damage
to the flexor tendon and
the neurovascular bundle.
Winchester, you've got
a silo full of smug,
but you sure know
which end of a scalpel is up.
That kid doesn't know
how lucky he is.
He was unconscious
the whole time
the movie was playing.
Yeah, well, he's not
out of the woods yet.
He's still got 30 or 40
more chances to see it.
Yeah, but thanks
to Charles,
he'll be able
to walk out on it.
Okay, that tears it!
I'm fed up with
your silly jokes
about the movies, the food,
and everything else
under my command.
So since you two wisenheimers
are such experts
on what's wrong around here,
report to my office at 0700.
-Why?
-What for?
You two have just volunteered
to be our morale officers.
This little best seller
is the 100-10 Field Service
Regulations Manual.
A thriller from
contents to appendix.
Thanks, but we'll
wait for the movie.
Now, you need only
concern yourselves
with section VI,
from which I quote:
"Administration
within a command
provides certain services
which strengthen morale.
These are called
morale services."
Hence the name.
Ah, that wit and humor
warms the cockles
of this old ticker, boys.
Morale here is lower
than a gopher's basement.
But quicker than that,
I expect to see
this whole post
doing huzzahs
and handsprings.
Any questions? Fine.
Don't forget-- I want
to see everybody smiling!
Smiling!
Top of the morning, bringers
of mirth and good cheer.
I offer you the heartfelt
congratulations
of the entire company
clerical staff.
Now, if you'll just sign here,
I'll be on my way.
-What's this?
-Field Service Regulations
section 6, number 84,
paragraph 8--
"Leaves of Absence.
"Morale officers may
grant leaves of absence
in accordance with the policy
prescribed by"--
This is for two weeks.
I can't get to Toledo
overnight.
Sign on the dotted line.
Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
Prince.
Sorry, knave.
We're not travel agents.
W-Well, how about
three days?
Toledo--
a whirlwind tour.
I thought you gave up
this disappearing act.
This dismal, rotten place
has reached a new high in low.
Look at this withering
shell of a man.
I need to relax and unwind.
Company clerking is hell.
You're just doctors.
You don't know
the meaning of pressure.
-Oh, very good.
-Bravo!
You see, Klinger,
it's just that kind
of unashamed con artistry
that has made you
an indispensable cog
in the new Pierce-Hunnicutt
happiness machine.
Man can resist
only so much flattery.
Good. Now, the first
thing we need from you
is a suggestion box.
-Make a box?
-Yeah.
Any idiot can do that.
You want a bigger challenge?
Find us some better movies.
That should be easy,
considering the fact
that the best one
we've seen in months
is The Field Pack--
Your Canvas Buddy.
Ah! The morale officers.
Let's talk morale.
"Army and air force exchanges
"directly affect
soldier welfare and morale
by supplying items
of comfort and necessity."
Paragraph 86, section C,
U.S. Army Field Manual.
We're in trouble, Hawk,
It's manual warfare.
My nurses would love
a supply of cosmetics.
Here's the list. I'd like it
filled immediately, please.
Happy to be of service,
Major.
Here you are, Beej.
-There you are, Klinger.
-What is this?
You guys are really
great morale officers.
"Klinger, put up
a suggestion box."
"Klinger, get
Gone With the Wind."
"Klinger, go to the
drugstore." Pardon me.
-Where are you going?
-To build a suggestion box.
I got a doozy to stick in it.
I'm warning you two.
I want those cosmetics,
so don't just leave it up
to that desert dunce!
Private Sheridan?
Private Sheridan?
Hello.
I'm Dr. Winchester.
We met yesterday,
but I doubt that you
will recall it.
You were
quite unconscious.
Where am I?
You're at the 4077th
MASH.
-Oh.
-You're quite a lucky lad.
You and mortar had a rather
intense disagreement.
Nine times out of 10
with a wound like that,
the leg would be lost,
but, uh, you caught me
on a good day.
You won't be doing
the Lindy overnight,
but with proper care,
that leg will be 100%.
Why is there a bandage on my
hand? What's wrong with it?
When you consider that boys
come through here every day
and lose their sight,
limbs, even their lives--
What happened to my hand?
Well, you have some nerve
and tendon damage.
Fortunately, there will be
only slightly diminished
use of three fingers.
They'll look
perfectly normal.
What do you mean,
slightly diminished?
There will be a certain
loss of dexterity.
For how long?
Afraid it'll be permanent.
-Oh, my God.
-But your leg will be fine--
I don't care about my leg.
Damn it.
I don't understand.
My legs are nothing.
These are my life.
I play the piano.
I'm a concert pianist.
A pianist?
Well, any
helpful suggestions?
Well, this one is interesting,
but I'm afraid
burning down the entire camp
would be impractical.
First Annual Naked Day
shows promise.
We're working on that.
[chuckles]
I see. Oh.
Uh, how did your Simon Says
tournament turn out?
Oh, great. B.J. won.
I came in second.
Nobody else showed up.
Evening, Captains
Heckle and Jeckle.
I'd have been here sooner,
but I stopped to watch
the dancing in the streets.
Well, after just two days,
what did you expect? Miracles?
I expected
a big goose egg,
but you two haven't even
done that good.
These folks expected
a lot from you.
And getting let down
is worse
than having no hope
in the first place.
Oh, now, Colonel,
I don't think it's
as bad as all that.
Right! Everything
is under control.
Listen, you two.
Where are the cosmetics
I asked for?
My nurses are
human beings, you know?
They have needs.
But you don't seem to care.
Who cares about a bunch of
nurses powdering their noses?
When are we gonna get those
new movies you promised, huh?
-Yeah!
-Where are they?
Patience, everybody.
Patience.
At this very moment,
an emissary is tracking down
one of Hollywood's finest.
-Oh, yeah.
-Sure.
Here comes
Mr. Show Business now.
Any luck, Shobe?
So far, the only nibble
is a movie called
Terror in the Tiny Town.
It's a Western
with an all-midget cast.
Oh, great. What do we do,
show it on a pillowcase?
With selected
tall subjects.
I'm serious.
It's a real movie.
You guys stink.
Who wants to see
a shrimp cowboy?
-Yeah!
-That's right.
You want a morale problem?
What about mine?
-The food in this place
is disgusting, right?
-ALL: Right!
-Well, I don't cook it, right?
-Right!
But who has to stand over
this slop every day
and listen to everybody's
gripes and dumb jokes about it?
-Who?
-Me! Well, I've had it!
If you don't like the swill
here, talk to the cook!
-Where's the cook?
-Eating at Rosie's!
ALL [chanting]: k*ll the cook.
k*ll the cook! k*ll the cook!
See what you've done?
Father, you'd better
talk to them.
-Not without
a whip and a chair.
-I don't blame you.
This place is a cat's
whisker from loco.
-[chanting continues]
-I'll take care of this.
Okay, hold it. Hold it down!
Hold it down, everybody!
I was hoping we could
keep this a secret,
but I guess now's
the time to tell you.
[clamoring]
My associate and I
have been planning
a big surprise dinner
party for tomorrow night.
Oh, yeah?
What kind of a party?
That's the surprise.
But I guarantee you
it will be spectacularly
unforgettable.
Well it better be!
It better be!
What kind of a lamebrain
scheme are you two hatching?
Oh-ho, Colonel, that would
spoil the surprise.
Let's go, Beej.
This I gotta see.
Don't forget,
unforgettable.
You don't have a thing
in mind, do you?
Even less than that.
David?
-What time is it?
-It's very late.
David, I'm sorry
to awaken you,
but I feel
that we need to talk.
Doctor, we have talked.
How many times do you
need to come here?
I've told you I don't
blame you for what happened,
but that doesn't
give me my hand back.
Whether you blame me or not
makes no difference.
It's you, David. You see
no future for yourself,
and that gnaws at me.
Your concern is admirable,
but there must be better ways
for you to spend your time
because I don't give a damn.
You have a very special gift.
Had, doctor. Had.
I'm very tired. Good night.
You know, you're being
much too harsh on yourself.
You mustn't think
that you failed.
But I have.
The boy's a graduate
of Juilliard.
He just embarked
on a promising career.
I reach out to him,
but no matter what I do,
I cannot get through.
That's not your fault.
Oh, isn't it?
We both know that there
are other doctors here
more able to show compassion,
provide comfort.
I have no magic words.
I work my wonders
on flesh and bone.
I perform no miracle
surgery on the soul.
That's--
That's your department.
Major,
I know how difficult
it was for you to come here.
It's obvious that you care
a great deal.
Of course I care.
Then you must not
give up.
There's no one here
with a greater love
or-or knowledge of music.
And that's the key.
You must show him
that his musical career
is not over.
You can't let him waste
that precious talent
that God has given him.
Thank you, Father.
Big surprise dinner party.
Spectacularly
unforgettable.
Did you ever consider
renting your mouth out
to the motor pool
as a garage?
Beej, if we don't come up
with something soon,
we're gonna be
modeling the latest
in tar-and-feather wear.
Let's att*ck this rationally.
I'd rather att*ck you
irrationally.
Come on. Think back.
You remember
some special dinner party
you once went to?
Sure. Lucia Murphy's
14th birthday.
We played spin the bottle
and sent out for Chinese food.
Now, there's a nice
touch of home.
Dinner just like Mao
used to make.
Hawk, admit it.
No matter what kind
of spectacular food
we come up with,
as soon as it hits
those tin trays
on those crummy tables
in that rotten tent,
it's still
gonna be a mess.
So we won't have it
in the tent.
What can we eat outside?
-Dirt.
-No! A picnic!
We'll have a cookout.
Wait a minute.
Wait a--W-W-Wait!
I just got a great idea
that will save us
from a lifetime of death.
You're gonna take us
all out for American food.
Close, but wrong.
We'll bring America here.
We'll have a beach party.
Big fire, blankets, singing.
Huge boiling kettle full
of lobsters, crabs, clams,
whatever they've got.
Hawkeye,
I don't see a whole lot
of lifeguards around here.
Yeah, well you would
if this was Inchon.
And where's there sea,
there's gotta be seafood, Mama.
Hah! What do you think?
What do you think?
Does that sound fantastic?
That really sounds stupid.
But is it possible?
Of course. The stupid
is always possible.
Great. Can you
leave right away?
Me? You want me to drive
halfway across Korea
on treacherous roads
over hostile terrain?
I don't want my
Purple Heart to read
"He gave his life for crabs."
Klinger, the future
of the whole camp
depends on this.
-Not to mention our lives.
-Aha!
Your wanting me
in the driver's seat
certainly puts me
in the driver's seat
for, say, a three-day pass?
-Thief!
-"Thief" is such an ugly word.
Shall we say "entrepreneur"?
Sign here, Prince.
I'll fill in the date
after I decide on one.
This is blackmail,
and I won't stand for it.
Klinger,
Colonel Potter tells me
you're going down
to Seoul for him.
Son of a g*n.
Now that you mention it--
You were planning on going
to Seoul the whole time!
It's only an inch
from Inchon.
You sneak! You stole
three days from us.
"Stole"
is such an ugly word.
Shall we say
"creatively acquired"?
Klinger, this is a list
of pieces of music.
The m*llitary library
in Seoul
should have at least
some of them.
Please get them for me,
will you? Thank you.
Gentlemen.
That's the most fun
he's been in two days.
Klinger, get back here
as fast as you can.
We want a few minutes
before the party
to b*at the daylights
out of you.
Hey! Hey, Captain Cook,
what about the big
dinner party?
You better be quick,
or your goose is cooked.
Yeah, you bums, you!
You guys are all talk
and no food!
The natives
are hungry tonight.
Listen to the pounding
of those gums.
If Klinger doesn't
get here soon,
we're gonna be the featured
danglers at a lynching.
What do you say we
go see Colonel Potter,
find out if he's
heard from him?
Yeah, let's keep low.
-Maybe they won't notice us.
-Yeah.
-[all clamoring]
-Hey, you bums!
-Coast is clear.
-Good.
There they are!
-Where are the movies?
-They're getting away.
-Somebody get a rope!
-Let's season 'em!
-Have we crossed
into enemy territory?
-I hope so.
-Where the hell is Klinger?
-At last. A friendly face.
I knew this would happen.
Klinger would be back
with our cosmetics by now
if you hadn't sent him
off on a wild-fish chase!
You've completely destroyed
the morale in this camp.
Let me know if that crowd
gets out of control
so I can go out there
and egg 'em on.
I take it you haven't
heard from Klinger.
No, but I'm sure
we'll get a postcard
from Toledo any day now.
Oh, come on, Colonel.
Just 'cause he's a little late?
You call it late. I call it
permanently skedaddled.
How could you three-day suckers
give Klinger a blank pass?
That's like the warden
asking Willie Sutton
to lock up the hoosegow.
Colonel, you're just
jumping to conclusions.
Well, jump on this.
He took his footlocker
with him.
A year's change of duds to go
with his change of scenery.
-You dopes!
-You idiots!
[horn honking]
-[cheering]
-Klinger!
HAWKEYE:
What took you so long?
Please, please.
An artiste cannot be rushed.
-There you go, sir.
-Ah!
Treat this with care.
It's loaded with live crabs.
[all cheering]
Shh. I told 'em I was
taking 'em to the circus.
Why'd you take
your footlocker?
What's a beach party
without beach?
[chuckling]
-♪♪ [jazz]
-Give me another
one of those crabs.
[chatter]
What a terrific idea!
These crabs are delicious.
Sure are. And the best
part's right here,
inside the little
first baseman's mitt.
You two are lucky
Klinger came through,
or you'd be skinny-dipping
in that kettle.
Oh, you're right.
Underestimating Klinger's
become a national pastime.
Thank you, sirs.
Hate to eat and run,
but I've got to pack
for three days
and a fun-filled
trip in Seoul.
Okay, I've had
some fresh air.
Can we go back now?
No, not quite yet.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
What are we doing here,
doctor?
I don't want a drink.
Good.
Because you're not
gonna get one.
What the hell
is this all about?
Please, David.
-I'm sure you've
heard of these.
-Huh?
Pieces for the left hand.
Of course I've heard of them.
What are you suggesting now?
That I make a career
out of a few freak pieces
written for one hand?
Not at all.
I won't make any pretense
about your physical
ability to play concerts.
Not my point.
Are you familiar with
the story behind the Ravel?
No, and I don't really--
It was written for
an Austrian concert pianist
named Paul Wittgenstein.
He lost his right arm
during the First World w*r.
He embarked on a long search
to commission piano works
for the left hand alone.
Composer after composer
turned him down,
but he refused to give up.
Finally, he found Ravel
who, like him, was willing
to accept this great challenge.
Don't you see?
Your hand may be stilled,
but your gift cannot be silenced
if you refuse to let it be.
Gift? You keep talking
about this damn gift.
I had a gift,
and I exchanged it
for some mortar
fragments, remember?
Wrong. Because the gift
does not lie in your hands.
I have hands, David.
Hands that can make
a scalpel sing.
More than anything in my life,
I wanted to play,
but I do not have the gift.
I can play the notes,
but I cannot make the music.
You've performed Liszt,
Rachmaninoff, Chopin.
Even if you never do so again,
you've already known a joy
that I will never know
as long as I live.
Because the true gift
is in your head
and in your heart
and in your soul.
Now, you can
shut it off forever,
or you can find new ways
to share your gift
with the world--
through the baton,
the classroom, the pen.
As to these works,
they're for you
because you and the piano
will always be as one.
[chatter]
[B.J., Hawkeye laughing]
Ohh!
Here's the hermit crab.
Ah, gentlemen.
From the sounds of this
evening's revelries,
your soiree was
eminently successful.
-My congratulations.
-Oh, thank you.
Wow. The man is
positively aglow.
We must be
better at morale-ing
than we thought, Hawk.
Major Giggles here wasn't
even at the party,
and we cheered him up
by remote control.
Hey, Beej, I got a great
way to end the w*r.
We shell North Korea
with crabs.
Ha ha!
No kidding, Charles.
You missed some good food
and a great time.
Thank you, gentlemen,
but you need not
concern yourselves.
I'm doing just fine,
thank you.
Each of us must dance
to his own tune.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
08x19 - Morale Victory
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During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.
During the Korean w*r the staff of an Army hospital find that humor helps deal with the difficulties.