08x23 - w*r Co-respondent

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Through the
roaring traffic's boom

and the silence
of your lonely room

night and day,
you are the ones.

Evac bus in the compound.

HAWKEYE:
Don't get up, men.

Welcome to Pierce's
Palpation Parlor.

Open sunup to sunup.

Everything from
lacerations to lesions.

B.J.: Foreign lesions
a dollar extra. Get him inside.

Pardon me, soldier.
The shock troops are here.

Well, this is a shock.

When did this line start
using stewardesses?

Scotty here was pretty scared.

I promised I'd hold
his hand all the way
to the operating room.

Well, we can't let a
promise like that be
broken, can we? Litter!

What have you got there, B.J.?
Oh. Hello.

-Whatever's wrong with you,
I get dibs on fixing it.
-I'm taking him first.

-Litter!
-I'm Hawkeye Pierce.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in a w*r like this?

Reporting it.
I'm Aggie O'Shea.

The Aggie O'Shea?

I always pictured her as
a grizzled, w*r-weary veteran.

She's about as far as
you can get from grizzly.

-But I wouldn't mind
seeing her bare.
-Typical Pierce.

Look at her body and
ignore her accomplishments.

I, for one, am thrilled
to have a genuine celebrity
around here.

I, for two, will be
pleased to introduce her

to all the thrilling sights,

sounds and sensations
to be found in this camp.

-And then we'll
leave the Swamp.
-[scoffs]

-Beauty and the boast.
-[mock chuckle]

Colonel, don't you just love
her wonderful sketches?

Of course, the colonel's style
is very different.

Hers is, uh, stark
and graphic, you know?

His has more of the quality
of "Draw this dog and win
five free lessons."

Tread softly,
art critic,

or I'll be putting you
on the canvas.

So I ended up with this unit,

sort of getting
the footslogger's
view of the w*r.

-It must be awful.
-Not to mention deadly.

Yes, but it's kind
of wonderful too.

It's the people.
You get so close.

To these guys,
I'm a cross between
a mascot and a den mother.

-I have an opening
in my den, Mother.
-Pierce!

So when they got hit
on patrol tonight,

I decided to stick
with 'em the whole way.

Battalion Aid to here,
down to Seoul,

and then Tokyo,
where I'll file my story.

You know, you're a real hero
to a lot of us out here.

Come on. All I do is sketch a
bit and then write what I see.

-You people are the heroes.
-Oh, that's me, all right.

A combination of Douglas,
Fairbanks and Junior.

All rolled into
one quivering mass.

-[laughing]
-Anyway, Scotty and
this g*ng are very special

-and I'd like to find
a way to say thanks.
-Well--

-Pierce!
-What?

I mean it. I'm very
grateful to all of you,

and I'd like to send you
something from Tokyo.

Anything you like.
What'll it be?

Well, okay, but you'll be
up all night

sticking postage stamps
on my geisha girl.

Try again.

A good bottle of scotch?

Twelve-year-old bottle
of scotch for Hawkeye.

-Margaret?
-Oh, no, it's not necessary.

Hey, you don't get
very much up here,

and I've got connections.

-What?
-Some nice bath soap?

Perfumed soap for Margaret.
Dr. Winchester?

Tokyo has nothing
that I want sent to me.

What I want is to
be sent to Tokyo.

I'll work on that.
What about you, B.J.?

Come on. If you could
have anything that

your heart desired.
what would it be?

A peanut butter sandwich.

Really? I mean, you must
want more than that.

A peanut butter and
jelly sandwich?

Well, good night, all.
I need some sleep.

-There's an extra bunk
in my tent.
-Thanks.

There's also an extra bunk
in my tent

if you're not choosy
about roommates.

And if you are, uh,
Charles and B.J.
can go someplace else.

On that note, Hunnicutt,
let us say good night.

I hope you don't mind.

Charles and I
would like to be alone.

You devil. You probably
bribed them to leave.

You think you can have
your way with me.
Well, you can.

-Unless, of course,
you'd prefer my way.
-You're crazy.

Thank you.
I thought you'd never notice.

So, now that you've seen
our world-famous Mess Tent,

what can I show you
next?

Margaret's tent.
I think I'd better
get some sleep.

That noise you just heard
was my crest falling.

Oh.

But, no matter.
I hereby appoint myself

as your personal man Tuesday.

I always thought
it was Friday.

I don't think I
can wait that long.

-Try.
-Listen, listen.

If there's anything
you need, want or desire--

especially desire--
you have but to ask.

Really? Oh, there is something
that I'm kind of curious about.

What? What?
If I don't know the answer,
I'll make one up.

Is B.J. always so quiet?

B.J. who?

-Am I gonna be okay, Doc?
-Hey, are you kidding?

When I was under the hood,
I put in a racing cam
and dual carbs.

-Some hotter plugs might help.
-Hi.

-Good morning.
-Still with us, huh, Aggie?

Whither thou goest, Jackson.
Do you mind a backseat driver?

Not at all.
See anything you like?

Got a number
of late models here,

all driven by a little old
general from Pasadena.

-Looks like you do
pretty good body work.
-Open 24 hours.

-Free towing.
Call us anytime.
-I will.

I'm sure you're listed
in the Yalu Pages.
You started it.

I should know better.
Word games with a writer.
That's like--

-Needling a nurse?
-I surrender already.

♪ Daisy, Daisy
give me your answer true ♪

Oh! Hi!

Imagine my surprise
at finding you here.

I was just out taking
a casual, postoperative spin.

Wanna go for a ride?

My father sent me this.
It's a pop-cycle.

No, thank you.
I'm sticking close
to watch a doctor at work.

That's what I had in mind:
sticking close, playing doctor.

I know, I know.
How you doing, Scotty?

Hi, Aggie.
Boy, am I glad to see you.

This is B.J., the doctor
that put you back together

-and this is Hawkeye, who,
uh, seems to be falling apart.
-Hello.

How you feeling, pal?
You look a lot better

than the last time
I saw you.

Okay, I guess.
My chest feels kind of funny.

Your chest?
That's a little far north.
You were hit in the belly.

Well, it doesn't exactly hurt.
It just feels kind of heavy.

-Heavy, huh?
-Probably normal
postoperative discomfort.

-Nothing for you
to worry about.
-Okay.

If it keeps bothering you,
you give us a holler.
See you later.

Hey, Colonel!
Sherman Potter-- Excuse me.

Sherman Potter,
this is the Aggie O'Shea

journalist, artist
and heartbreaker.

Aggie, this is the boss.

Pleasure to meet you, Colonel.
You have quite a bunch here.

How do, ma'am.
I'm sorry I turned in

before I had a chance
to meet you last night.

The boys were right.

You sure are a sight
for sore eyes.

-I'm flattered.
-You do fine work.

It's about time
someone represented

the workingman's point
of view hereabouts.

Thank you. That's quite
unusual coming from
a regular army officer.

-He's not your regular
regular army.
-No, he's more of a 39 short.

This place is turning into
an artists' colony.

-We've got Aggie and
Grandpa Moses here.
-Oh, really, Colonel?

Yeah, well,
I do kind of paint myself.

I'll say. We gotta hose
him down every other day.

-I'd love to see your work.
-It's no big deal.

Nothing you'll see
hanging in the "Louver."

-Do I look like a critic?
-Come on, Colonel.

-You can't give a
fellow artist the brush.
-Okay, it's a deal.

I'll give you a glimpse,
but you've gotta promise
not to chortle.

-Scout's honor, not a giggle.
-All right, let's go.

Oh, sure. The old
"Let me show you
my etchings" ploy.

-[chuckles]
-See you, B.J.

Oh, don't forget.
You promised me an
interview later.

All right. Okay.
All right. What are you up to?

-Uh, Watkins,
the heminephrectomy.
-I'm not talking kidney.

-I'm talking lady.
-So, talk.

Well, she's paying all
this attention to you.

She won't even give
me a tumble.

You're frothing at the mouth.

You betcha I'm frothing.
Now, what are you doing?

-Nothing.
-Oh, I get it. I get it.

She's trying to get
to me through you.
Well, it's working.

Sophie, my horse.
I've still gotta finish off
her hind leg here.

Colonel Potter,
these are really
very good.

Well, thanks,
it's nice to hear that.

Most folks around here
don't know their Picasso
from a hole in the ground.

[chuckles]
Who's this cute little guy?

Used to be my clerk.
He's gone home now.
Fine lad.

-And the discus thrower?
-Bull thrower more likely.

Lebanese loony.
We don't know who wears
the pants in his family.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Well,
that's my own thumb.

[chuckles]
You know, I bet every
artist in history

has had this idea.

You're the only one I know
who ever did it.

Oh. This man I recognize.

Kissed my hand
when we met.

Tall, very stiff
upper lip.

No lip stiffer,
no brow higher,
no blood bluer.

But he's
a fine surgeon.

Why does he look
so angry?

Does he?
I hadn't noticed.

Colonel, I am
very impressed.

-These are
absolutely wonderful.
-Oh, thanks.

-I'm no Norman Rockwell.
-No need. We already have one.

Have you ever done
a picture of B.J.?

I've been thinking
about doing him,

but I'm not too
good on teeth.

Actually, I started
with Silly Putty.

How's that?

Did an article about it
when it first came out in '49,

somebody liked it,
so I'm a specialty writer.

Florence Chadwick's
channel swim in '50,

and I'm a woman's writer
who also does sketches.

Sugar Ray beats Jake LaMotta
and I'm a sports writer.

Who knows nothing
about sports, right?

Oh, yeah?
Ask me any question.

Come on, come on.

Uh... who's
Bobby Thomson?

I mean something tough.

Bobby Thomson is
the d*ck Sisler of '51.

-He is?
-Yes.

The year before
Thomson's homerun,

d*ck Sisler hit one
out of the park on
the last day of the season

to put the Phillies
ahead of the Dodgers and
into the World Series.

You're a regular
Red Barber.

Yeah.

And I'm sitting in
the catbird seat.

Anyway, leaving
the world of sports,

we go off to England.
George VI dies,

and I am there for
the succession to the throne

of 25 year old
Elizabeth II.

Presto,
I'm a foreign affairs expert.

Couple of trips over here,
and I'm a w*r correspondent

with Bill Malden overtones.

Did-- Did I say
something wrong?

-No.
-Oh. Good.

Yes.

I, uh--

I'm, uh--

You don't find a lot of
women in your line of work.

Yeah.

-A lot of people think
it's less than feminine.
-Yeah.

-Am I?
-What?

No. God, no.

Oh. Good.

Tell me about yourself.
Uh, you're married.

-Does it show?
-Yes.

And I asked somebody.
Reporter, remember?

Uh-huh.

-I like the way you are
with the boys in post-op.
-Thank you.

There's a certain
gentleness about you

in the midst of all
this craziness that's
very attractive.

And-- May I be direct?

Please. I hate the way
you b*at around the bush.

Well, you haven't said
or done anything

that could be remotely
considered a pass

in spite of all the openings
I've given you.

I don't know whether
to be flattered or insulted.

I feel like I'm about
three feet over my head.

Well, just relax and float.

Aggie, you're
really something.

Oh, let's not lose control.

-[chuckles] You want direct.
-Yeah.

You are one of the most...

You're an extraordinarily
attractive woman, but--

Hold it right there.
Back up one.

Go over that first part again,
up to the "but."

You're an extraordinarily
attractive woman.

Thank you.

As for the second part,
I think I know

what "but" means, so I'll
quit while I'm ahead.

Now, I'd like to leave you
with two very important
thoughts.

I'm going to be here
for another 48 hours

and the feeling is
very, very mutual.

Sleep well.

I feel almost decadent.

These are the first sheets
I've seen in weeks.

Let that be
a lesson to you, Aggie.

The next time you do
a story on the Army,
make it the Navy.

-Good thinking,
Houlihan.
-[chuckles]

Still, this place
is no picnic.

-Well--
-The tension, the hours,
the anxiety.

Is it hard for you?

Only the tension,
the hours and the anxiety.

Loneliness?

Don't get me started.

Is there a lot of camaraderie

between the doctors
and the nurses?

-You mean, camaraderie?
-Yeah.

Well, we're all adult.

If it's discreet, people can
"camarade" all they want.

Discreet?
You mean like Pierce?

"Let's play doctor on the back
of my bike in post-op"?

Pierce. He's a special case.

Incurable.

What about Hunnicutt?

B.J.? B.J.?
Oh, that's a laugh.

No. Never.

CHARLES: That's right.

But what about Berkeley,
Stanford, Cal Tech?

Oh, they're fine institutions
teeming with frontier spirit.

Hold it right there.
Don't move.

You're just what I need
to frame this area.

[chuckles]
Of course.

What better way
to begin the day

than to be recorded for
posterity? How's this?

-Feel free to join me,
Hunnicutt.
-Thanks awfully.

Actually, Major, I wasn't
thinking about your posterity.

I was thinking
about B.J.'s.

-Oh.
-Sorry, Charles,
you're in my light.

-How's this?
-Fine.

Mmm! That is quite good.

The harshness of the cruel hills
yet the softness of the tents.

-Thanks.
-Perfect counterpoint for
the blandness of Hunnicutt.

I shall be at breakfast.

I'm going to give this
to Colonel Potter.

I'm flattered.
I'm also hungry.

Ah. Going to
run away again, eh?

Ho, ho. I didn't run away
last night. You did.

That wasn't running.

That was just falling back
to regroup.

You're beginning to fade
into the background.

Why don't we move over here?

-B.J.: A little pushy,
aren't we?
-Just relax.

Your hair smells wonderful.
That's cheating.

I washed it last night.
Couldn't sleep for some reason.

-You?
-Slept like a rock.

Good morning, Captain.
Ma'am.

It's a wonderful
day for, uh-- for--

Klinger, uh, Miss O'Shea
is sketching me for
Colonel Potter.

Uh-huh. Sure. Funny.
She forgot her art stuff.

-It's way over there.
-Well, yeah--

Well, I'll be off
to the Mess Tent.
Can I get you something?

-I know how artists
are always starving.
-No, nothing, thank you.

-Okay. Bye.
-Bye.

-Bye.
-Bye, Klinger.

♪ Three little words

-♪ That's all I live for
-He sings very well.

Will you sketch?
Just sketch.

Oh, good.
I'm not late. Here.

-Hi.
-O'Shea, can you see?

Oh, you know, this would
be a lot better picture

if you went back
inside.

Look at this. Look.

No. I just want B.J.
in this one.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, I know. Sure.

-I understand.
Too dazzling, right?
-[forced chuckle]

So, listen, uh,
how do you feel today?

Terrific. Why?

Well, the big fella
was up all night

tossing from pillow
to post.

Said it was bad booze.
I thought maybe you, uh--

-No, not me.
Slept like a rock.
-Oh, yeah?

Good.

Did you check on Scott?

Yeah, it was tamponade.

I aspirated him, and they're
keeping an eye on him.

-I'll take a look.
-Sounds serious. Is it?

Can be. These kids never
come in here laughing.

You know, there's plenty of room
for me right over here.

I wouldn't take that much space.
I could-- I could stand skinny.

I hear the plumber was in.

He took some fluid
out of my chest.

-That heaviness is
gone now, right?
-Yeah.

I feel pretty good, mostly.
How you doin'?

Fine.

All the nurses can
seem to talk about

is you and Aggie
and how you're--

-You know. You know.
-Uh-huh.

Huh. Well, don't you believe
everything you hear, pal.

-You mean, you
don't like Aggie?
-Hey.

Whoa, Scotty.
Of course I like Aggie.

I like her a lot.

I also like Hawkeye,
steamed clams

and my Aunt Shirley,
not necessarily in that order.

She likes you
a lot too, Doc.

Hey, I'm supposed
to be checking up on you,

not the other way
around.

Well, I just--

just wanted to be sure you were
treating her right, you know?

Yeah.

You got nothin'
to worry about, pal.

-Hey, Doc.
-Mm-hm?

You're out of your mind.

Thanks very much.

-Okay if I come in?
-Sure.

-Is that Scotty?
-Mm-hmm.

Hawkeye said he stuck
a needle into his heart.

Into the sac around
the heart to drain it.

He must have had
a hard blow to the chest.

There's no visible wound,
but there's internal bleeding.

Blood slowly fills the sac,

and the heart can't
b*at properly.

-Kind of strangles.
-What do you do to stop it?

Well, if the leak
seals itself, nothing.

Otherwise, I'll have to
go in and take care of it.

How dangerous is that?

Anything close
to the heart is risky.

But, uh, I've done it before.
He'll be okay.

I'm glad to hear that.

He has a very special doctor.

Aggie, you--

you make me feel wonderful.

But I-- I'm not
all that special.

Would you like
a second opinion?

I don't know if
I can handle it.

You are becoming...

-Don't stop now.
-I better.

Close to the heart
is risky, remember?

I leave tomorrow at
9:00, remember?

-How long will you be in Seoul?
-How long would you like?

Here's how I see it.
You got three possibilities.

A: No chance.
Two: Not yet,
but any minute now.

And, last, they've thrown
the glasses in the fireplace

and waves are
crashing on the shore.

Klinger, as the poets
would say, "Hubba hubba."

You know, nothing galls me more
than people sitting around

viciously gossiping
about tawdry,

backstreet romances,
and I'm not in 'em.

You ought to be ashamed.

All that could possibly
be going on between them

is a little
discreet camaraderie.

-Oh, yeah.
-Major!

Everyone, please.
It's nobody's business
but theirs.

Besides,
it's wrong simply

to assume that
they are pitching woo.

Pitching Woo?
Isn't he the Chinese
baseball star?

-Well, hello.
-Hi.

Don't stop laughing
on my account.

Unless, of course,
you're laughing on my account.

We were just discussing
famous baseball players.

Sure you were.
And whether or not
I got to first base?

No. But let me know
if you need a pinch hitter.

It's nice to know you find
my personal life so
entertaining.

B.J., please.
We were only joking.

I wasn't. It was these
adolescents with
their locker room humor.

Well, I certainly wouldn't
want to spoil anybody's fun,

-so why don't I just leave.
-Oh. Hey.

B.J., it's Private Scott.

Irregular heartbeat,
short of breath, poor color.

Damn. All right, get him
prepped, Kellye.
I'll see you in the O.R.

I'll give you a hand.

Okay. That kind of
help I can use.

Boy, some bunkie you are.

First, you steal her
away with that old

"big toe in the sand" routine.

Then you won't even let
anybody kid you about it.

In the first place, bunkie,
I didn't steal anybody.

And there's nothing
to kid about,

because there's
nothing going on.

All right, then, what is it?
Talk to me.

B.J.:
It's the way I'm beginning
to feel about her.

Oh, come on, Beej.
We're big boys.

You went down this
road once before.

No, Hawk,
you don't understand.

This isn't like that.

I'm not just talking about
being unfaithful to my wife

which hasn't happened
with Aggie.

-What is it?
-[sighs]

Till Aggie showed up,
I was convinced

Peg was the only woman
in the world for me.

I never met a woman like her.
She's so different, so exciting.

-Uh-oh.
-Hawk, she's all
I can think about.

And not just about
being in bed with her.

I'm thinking about
being with her.

B.J.: More suction, please.

-All right, that's
not too bad at all.
-No, that's not bad.

-B.J.: Suture.
-HAWKEYE: Funny thing
about a w*r.

People with absolutely
nothing in common
get thrown together

and they really start
caring about each other.

-You wanna knock it off?
-Like, uh, Aggie and Scotty.

You think they'd be friends
back in the States? Nah.

She'd be dazzling editors
at the New York Times

and he'd be hanging around
the malt shop with Emmy Lou.

You know?

Sponge.

Everything you're saying
sounds so final.

Ag, you know what I am?
I'm a prisoner of w*r.

What?

Every minute of every hour
of every day

is what it is
because of this stupid w*r.

I work because of the w*r.

I eat, drink, sleep,
dress because of the w*r.

I found you because
of the w*r.

I don't think that's enough
for two people.

I can't go from
"How do you do?"
to "I love you..."

because of the damn w*r!

B.J., for whatever reason,
you mean something to me.

We can talk about it.
I don't have to go.
Or I can come back.

That's just it.
Don't you see?

You're free.
You can come and
go as you please.

-So what?
-I can't!

Ag, I live in an
insane situation here

except I have a lifeline.

I'm hooked into a little house
in Mill Valley

where my wife
and daughter live.

That line gives me
one tiny element of control

in a situation
where everything else

is beyond my control.

Does this make
any sense at all?

Yeah. I'm afraid it does.

Ag, you know
what they say here?

"Live for now, for
there may be no tomorrow."

There's a lot to
be said for that.

Not for me.

I've got to live for tomorrow,
because for me there's no now.

Okay, Hunnicutt.

Everything you just said

just makes me love you
all the more.

The feeling is very,
very mutual.

Wonderful little lady,
that Aggie.

Thought of all of us.

Pierce, I believe this
12-year-old rotgut is for you.

I knew she liked me the best.

For Margaret,
eau de toilette.

-Oh, wonderful.
-Hey, Margaret, why don't
we pool our resources?

Let's get drunk and then
take a shower together.

And for Hunnicutt,
all the fixin's

for peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.

Oh! The lady wants to stick
to the roof of your heart.

Lookee here what I got.
An Aggie O'Shea original.

It's you, Hunnicutt.
What's the lifesaver for?

Beats me.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]