08x24 - Back Pay

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

Gonna be a busy day, guys.

The way they're
lined up out there,

you'd think we were
having a fire sale.

Too bad it's not
a going-out-of-business sale.

Excuse me
for being late, boys.

I had to roll
out the red rug

for three Korean medics.

-Local fellas.
-Locals, eh?

No doubt all distinguished
alums of Voodoo U.

I hope they are.
They'd be just the guys

to shrink that swelled head.

Be the perfect match
for your narrow mind.

Perhaps I could make them
feel more at ease

by putting a bone
through my nose.

Just lower the nose,
Winchester.

Their style may lean a bit
heavy on the roots and berries,

but they're part
of the brotherhood.

They're here to take a gander
at our surgical technique,

and I'm sending 'em
over to your table.

-Me? But--But--
-The but stops here, Major.

These fellas want
to see the chest cavity,

and you're our man
in thoracics.

Not to mention you've
logged some teaching time.

Wait a minute.
Don't I have a say in this?

I am chief surgeon,
and I fancy myself
a pretty good chest man.

Okay, you decide, Pierce.
Who gets to be tour guide?

Well, since Charles has already
expressed a deep reluctance--

-Yes.
-He does.

You swine.

Okay, Winchester.
That narrows it down

to get in there
and ring that school bell.

-Okey-dokey?
-Colonel, I--

Say okey-dokey, Major.

Okey-dokey.

CHARLES: Now,
my diminutive voyeurs,

this is the patient

without whom medicine
would be just theory.

[speaking Korean]

This is the patient's chest.

Or, in a more scientific
parlance,

the front of the back.

If there is no belly button

in the immediate vicinity,

you've committed
a rather serious faux pas.

[Korean]

Careful, Winchester.
Don't add insult to surgery.

Now, Colonel, that's just
part of his bed-snide manner.

Isn't it clever the way
Charles can come
into an alien country

and alienate everyone?

More retraction on top,
Margaret, please.

Yes, doctor.

We have now reached
the point in the procedure

where you gentlemen
probably burn incense,

dance round the patient,

chanting supplications
to the gods.

[excited chattering]

Is something the matter?

We have never
performed surgery.

-I beg your pardon?
-We are Buddhists.

Our religion forbids us

-to cut into any living being.
-Uh-huh.

Never before have we seen
the inside of a human body.

Yes, it is fascinating,
isn't it?

The heart b*ating,

blood coursing
through the large arteries,

returning through the veins.

The lungs moving
back and forth.

All part of a large design

that humbles our meager
imaginations.

Though some imaginations are
more meager than others.

[chuckles]

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I get up at 5:00
in the morning,

and then by midnight
I'm a wreck.

I look to the Lord
for strength,

but after
sessions like this,

I also look to the cook
for strong coffee.

Salutations, sleepy sawbones.

You were already in the O.R.
when these arrived,

so I saved them
for an evening pick-me-up.

Hey, it's from my dad.

I hope he remembered
my allowance.

Here's one
from my distaff side.

Feels like a five-pager.

Four for me!

Probably thank-you notes
from that barbershop quartet.

If you'll excuse me, neither
wind nor rain nor sleet

shall keep me
from my appointed bed.

Uh-oh. Looks
like Mildred is thinking

of refurbishing
the chaise "lounge" again.

She knows I've got
no flair for this.

Margaret, you're a woman.
Which one do you like?

Oh.

Are there any other
swatches in there, sir?

Uh, maybe the flowers.

I'd hate sitting
on little butterflies.

I don't believe this.

Dad forget the allowance?

He sent me
this magazine clipping.

There's a
Dr. Hyram R. Ledbetter

in Minneapolis

who's doing X-rays
for Selective Service.

He makes five dollars
an X-ray.

He's averaging $2,000 a day.

Just from X-rays?

And there's a guy
in Baltimore

who makes
up to 3,000 a day.

What a revolting
development that is.

It does have its drawbacks.

He says, and I quote,

"I've been working terribly
long hours every day.

"I've had to give up
my private patients

and even my golf game."

He sure must be teed off.

I know a cozy place where
he can put his putter.

Calm down, Pierce.
Now that these quacks
have made the news,

the army won't put up
with those shenanigans
for long.

I read on. "When queried,

"the chairman of the House
Armed Services Committee said,

'Of course, the government
will get a lot of that
back in income taxes'."

Big surprise. Uncle Sam
always turns the other check.

I'm over here
knocking myself out

30 or 40 hours a day,
nine days a week,

and these guys are
back home getting rich.

What's the squawk?
Everybody knows

civilian M.D.s
pack away the dineros.

Civilian, hell.
These guys are getting paid

by the same army I am.

But I'm getting minimum rage.

Now, Hawkeye, I know
it must be frustrating.

Frustrating? Dig into
your thesaurus, Father.

Try "infuriating," "galling."

See also "inflaming."

So what are you gonna do
about it?

Your heart's
in the right place,
but look where you are--

10,000 miles
from the scene of the crime.

These weasels are getting
a real big finder's fee

for sending lambs
to slaughter.

They might as well
stamp 'em U.S.D.A. prime.

Oh, sure. The world used
to be a perfect place

until these two doctors came
along and spoiled it all.

Yeah, well, somebody
oughta do something.

Why do I have a queasy
feeling in my gizzard?

Gentlemen,
it is not necessary

to follow me into every nook
and cranny in this camp.

Surely you'd be happier tucked
away in your little beds.

But we have so many questions.

It would take years
to ask 'em all.

Do let us hope it won't
come to that. [groans]

-Is something the matter?
-No, no, I'm fine.

[Korean]

He says you have
been most kind.

He's offering
to relieve your pain.

Oh, wouldn't you just know
it's gone, thank God--

and, of course, Buddha.

Okay, I average seven
bowel resections a week,

so that comes
to 546 resections.

Type, Klinger, type. Type.

Resection: 1.
Quantity: 546.

Sir, can we stop? My fingers
are dead on their feet.

Klinger, your fingers
can't fail me now.

This bill is going
to the Surgeon
General's office,

and you're the neatest
typist we've got.

A sad commentary on the state
of typing as we know it today.

Now, let's see.
Resections--$7.00 per.

That comes to $3,822.

Wow. That's more than the gross
national product of Lebanon.

All in a day's work
in Minneapolis.

Captain Pierce, here are
the X-rays you asked for.

All right. Good. Bring 'em
over. Put 'em down here.

Put 'em right there.

They must all be pictures
of fat people.

No, but they're going
to a fat-cat doctor
in Minneapolis.

Now he'll have
before-and-after pictures

of those kids he's been
sending over here.

Wait a minute.
I'm not in shipping.

I'm in accounts receivable.

Thank you, Rizzo.
There'll be a little
something extra

in your paycheck
next week.

Great! Then I can
buy myself a truss.

Okay, Klinger,
time for the tally,
so tally-ho.

Okay, you take that,
you got that. That's, uh...

Holy Cleveland!

$38,215!

And 11 cents.

Criminal Investigation takes
a very dim view of this.

What do you expect
from dimwits?

Jumpin' Jack Armstrong!

Pierce, you can't send
a bill to the U.S. Army.

Why not? It's all the rage
in Minneapolis.

Captain, this is not
Minneapolis.

This is Korea,
and this bill of yours

could be easily construed

as an attempt to defraud
the U.S. Government.

Fraud? Captain Snyder,
I'm aghast.

Every one of those charges
is verified.

You're holding a documented
doctor document.

Pierce, be reasonable.

My prices are very reasonable.

The going rate
for an X-ray is five dollars.

I'm only charging four
because of my low overhead.

Of course, during a shelling,
I have no overhead.

Pierce, can't you stow
these monkeyshines a mite?

This is a criminal
investigation.

Actually, Colonel,
your captain has
nothing to be afraid of.

I can see that this
is not an attempt at fraud.

It's just a case of hotheaded,
self-righteous nonsense.

Don't try to sweet talk me.
What are you gonna do
about my bill?

That's easy.

Maybe I haven't made myself
clear to you, Captain.

There are doctors
back in the States

making a k*lling on this w*r.

It's a free country.

No, it's five dollars
an X-ray!

You haven't seen
the last of this bill.

You just keep sending it in
because you'll never collect.

I'll see to that personally.

Colonel, I think we've
taken care of everything.

Yeah. Everything except
my queasy gizzard.

Just take his temperature
in a half hour.

Now if you'll k--[groans]
kindly follow me,

Larry, Curly, Moe.

I beg your pardon, doctor,
but we have been wondering

why you have been
referring to us
by those names.

Ah, well, you see,
in my country

Larry, Curly, and Moe
are revered philosophers

who have earned the deepest
respect of their compatriots.

[Korean]

He was stupid, arrogant,
and humorless,

but at least
he was pigheaded.

What'd you expect him to do?
Write you a check?

I could use a little help,
you know?

I'm stuck for a way to collect
from these deadbeats.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Quixote.
May I call you Don?

We're dealing
with the U.S. Army,

the people who sent us
to w*r to make peace.

They're not gonna pay you.

And they're gonna take
the money they don't pay you

and send it to that guy
in Minneapolis.

And he's gonna invest it
in new X-ray equipment.

-Get the picture?
-I don't care.

I'm gonna get some
satisfaction out of this.

I'm going to exact
my pound of flesh.

Okay. But I hope the funny farm
has a meat counter.

Oh, is that so, doctor?

Well, I'm sure
you won't mind

if I get a second opinion.

Uh, hello! Excuse me.

I'm conducting
a man-in-the-ward interview.

If a patient won't pay you
for services rendered,

-how do you collect?
-Ah, Pierce,

-still at odds
with the American way?
-[Korean]

Yeah, I'm fed up
with the system

of checks and imbalances.

Dr. Wu says he will
take a chicken.

I beg your pardon?

We often accept
farm animal in payment.

Gentlemen, it is
very, very risky

to accept personal chicks.

-[chuckles]
-Chickens!

[laughs]
That's it! That's it!

Quid pro quo.
To wit, to woo.

No, wrong Wu.
But thank you. Thank you!

[groans]
Merciful God!

What? What is it?
Your back again?

No, I'm picking radishes.

Yes, it's my back,
you dunderhead!

I've thrown it out again.
Get me out of here.

Okay, Charles.
Here we go.

[groans] Slow please.

Usually he's a pain in
everybody else's back.

[chuckles]

-Don't you dare!
-[Korean]

Excuse me, Major. Dr. Wu
would be most happy

to relieve your pain.

No. No. Keep your roots
and herbs to yourselves,

you--you gardeners.

Get me to my tent.
And lock it!

[shouting]
Rizzo! Rizzo! Rizzo!

Could you hold it down?

There are people
trying to work.

-Rizzo.
-Oh, my gosh. It's night.

Could you hold it down?

There are people
trying to sleep.

You are in charge of this
motor pool, are you not?

-I are, sir.
-Then would you be so kind

as to stand down
from that jeep.

Yes, sir.
Standing down, sir.

Thank you very much, Sergeant.
There's your receipt.

Hey, how come
you're taking my jeep?

Because you don't have
any chickens.

And there he was, sir,
with this wild look
in his eyes

sort of like a vampire
or something.

Then he ran off
with my jeep.

Great Gatsby!
That's incredible.

Please don't bust me, sir.

It took ten years
for me to make sergeant--

five years the first time,
six years the second.

It's Pierce I'm gonna
bust, not you.

Oh, you're a wise,
kind man, sir. Uh-oh.

Klinger said you wanted
to see me, Colonel.

-What's up?
-My dander.

-Oh, right.
-He b*at it out of me, Captain.

-Rizzo, dismissed.
-Oh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Bless you, sir,
and all your loved ones.

-I can explain.
-No, you can't!

But give it
your best sh*t.

That jeep
is partial compensation

for services rendered.

However, the government
still owes me $36,005.

Do you use this desk much?

Pierce, I hate to break
the news to you,

but this is a m*llitary post,

not your neighborhood
surplus store.

That jeep
is U.S. Army property,

lock, stock,
and distributor cap.

Okay, don't worry. If there's
an emergency, you can use it.

-Just remember it's mine.
-Uh-huh.

You know, I could
give you a direct order

to return that jeep.

It wouldn't do any good,
Colonel.

I'd just take something else,

like the mess tent.

This is my way to protest,

and I am not giving in.

You're like an unbroken colt,
and all I can do

is give you rein
till you wear yourself out.

-Okay, for now, keep the jeep.
-Keep it?

Having a toy to play with
might just save you

from permanently bunking
in the loony bin.

-Thank you.
-However,

you have pushed me
to the limit, soldier boy,

and if so much as one
thumbtack turns up missing,

I will be Sherman
and you will be Georgia.

Does this mean
I can't have the desk?

There, there, Major.

-A compress of nice moist heat,
-[grunt]

and you'll be up and whistling
"Dixie" in no time.

Major! Major, first of all,

I would sooner hoist a piano
than whistle "Dixie."

And secondly, I repeat,
only rest will cure my back.

Extended rest and solitude.

Major, you're in luck.

I know an old Lebanese
back fixer-upper.

Good. Then try it
on an old Lebanese.

First you make a poultice

of olive oil
and pomegranate seeds.

My God, Klinger,

I'm a human being,
not a casserole.

Major, I hear
you have a bad back.

What's your cure, pray?
Laying on of hands?

In a way, yes.
I'll just pick you up

and physically jerk
that old spine in place.

Father. No, Father,

what Major Winchester
needs is moist heat.

No problem.
I'll warm up the olive oil.

Major, if you'll just let me
give that spine one good yank.

-No, Father. That's not
the way you remedy it.
-I've got it under control.

Please! Please!

Can you not all see that
I am at death's doorstep?

I am a doctor!
I know what's best for me!

What I need is
extended rest, silence.

If you all have
a shred of decency,

get the hell out of here!

-Miracle of miracles.
-You're fine.

-Incredible!
-Oh, good Lord.
What have I done?

-Oh, my.
-Easy now, Major.
Just lie back down now.

I'll get the olive oil
and the pomegranate seeds--

-[groans]
-[chatter]

That's it. My stomach
is throwing in the towel.

Meanwhile, at this very moment,
kindly old Dr. Ledbetter

or as he's known in
Minneapolis, Daddy Warbucks,

is undoubtedly stuffing
his undoubtedly potbelly

with a bevy of gourmet delights
courtesy of our government.

I'll admit,
it's food for thought.

But not for eating.

"Bonus diaz," muchachos.

What's so "bonus"
about it?

You have to forgive
Hawkeye, Colonel.

Breakfast has us both
a little down in the stomach.

You boys look
a little tired, too.

Catch the late show
at the drive-in, Pierce?

No. We caught the all-night
show at the Swamp.

Charles was moaning
in our sleep.

Damn. Word is we're
getting some casualties.

We need Winchester
on his feet.

Those Korean doctors keep
saying they can help.

-You think they can?
-Maybe.

We Westerners don't have
a corner on medical knowledge,

and I'm in no position to look
a gift cure in the mouth.

Not to mention the back.

Look out, Hawk.
Here comes
Wild Bill Snyder.

-Did you send him
another wild bill?
-There you are, Pierce.

Why, Captain Snyder,
I hope you're not here
on my account.

Good morning, Captain.

What brings you back
to our humble homestead?

Colonel, we've received
some more paperwork

from a certain Captain Pierce.

What a coincidence.

We have a certain
Captain Pierce here.

"Acknowledge receipt,
one jeep."

Colonel, are you aware

that this man
has appropriated a jeep?

I wasn't aware
that you were aware.

Why stop there, Pierce?
Why not call Hedda Hooper?

Pierce, what gives you
the right to steal
U.S. property?

It's all how you look
at it, Captain.

One man's theft is
another man's justice.

This is the army,
you 8 ball.

Justice is what Uncle Sam
tells you it is.

It's not your job to question
the government's actions.

Why not? I find
some of their actions
highly questionable.

Okay, okay. Everyone just
hold on to your garters.

Now, Captain Snyder,

it appears you
and Captain Pierce

may have a thing
or two to discuss.

Yeah,
like a court martial.

Fine. I'd love
the publicity.

So why don't you two gentlemen
sashay over to the office

where you can powwow
in private?

And I'm sure Captain Pierce

will be reasonable
and cooperative.

I wouldn't bet on that.

Then again, in case
Pierce is dead set

on checking into a room
with striped sunlight,

I'll try to speed
Major Winchester's recovery.

At least it's just his back
that's twisted, not his brain.

This way to the inquisition.

I've got to get my briefcase.

Of course.
We're going to court.

You'll need
your kangaroo suit.

Funny guy.

And I thought you didn't
have a sense of humor.

[groans] Major, please.

This is absurd.

I'm fully capable
of feeding myself.

But any little movement at all
can aggravate your back.

Now come on, you silly boy.
Open up.

Here comes the choo-choo.

God give me strength.

Morning, Major.
Glad to see you so chipper.

Colonel, I demand

that you order Madame de Sade
to desist and depart.

Major, I have tried my best
to ease your pain.

I have patiently endured
your snide slurs,

but you do not seem
to appreciate that,

so I shall leave

before the oatmeal choo-choo
has a wreck in your nose.

Thank you, Florence
Nightmare! [groans]

Easy, Winchester.

We've got a way to unwrap
that pretzel spine.

Sir, your optimism smacks
of science fiction.

I foresee at least
a week's recovery.

Incorrecto.

We're going to have you
up and bunny-hopping

in a matter of minutes.

You see, these little
fellers here tell me

they've got a surefire
remedy for that bad back.

Surely you jest.

Look at me, Winchester.
You see any teeth?

Sir, as a man of medicine,
you can't suggest

that I subject my body
to the ministrations
of these snake charmers.

Quit your bellyaching.
I've checked this out

with our own people
down at Seoul.

They're familiar with it.

They guarantee you it's not
gonna do you any harm.

Major, this treatment
is 3,000 years old.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

We would not offer it
unless we knew it would help.

Let me be succinct.

Not on your life.

Let me be succincter!

We're going to be getting in
some genuine casualties, P.D.Q.

Without you, we might
just lose a few of them.

Now it's your responsibility
to try everything you can

to get those vertebrae vertical.

What do you say, doctor?

I say...okey-dokey.

Now you're talking
my language. Wu?

Ye gods, it is voodoo!

How true. Wu,

do that voodoo
that you do so well.

[mock chuckle]

We call it acupuncture.

-Puncture?
-It will be painless.

-We insert the needle--
-Insert?

It's hell being a hero,
ain't it, Winchester?

Let's try to roll him over.

[groaning loudly]

Okay, Captain,
I'm tired of talking.

Here's a list of
the charges against you.

Well,
that seems fair enough.

I charge the government,
and they charge me.

You jerk.
When are you gonna learn?

Nobody, but nobody,
steals one of our jeeps.

[jeep engine starting]

Sounds like you're talking
to the wrong jerk.

Oh, no. It can't be.

-[jeep departing]
-Hey! That's my jeep!

[laughing]

-Excuse me. I'm sorry.
-You know something, Pierce?

You've got a little bit
too much nerve
for your own good.

Wait a minute.
I didn't take your jeep.

I've got a great witness--
you.

Oh, no. You set
this whole thing up

just to make me
look like a fool.

No. That job's been taken.

-Look, where's my jeep?
-I don't know. Honest!

You've really gone
too far this time.

Aw, where's your great
sense of humor?

I want my jeep, Pierce!

What are you gonna do,
b*at it out of me, copper?

You'd like me to do that,
wouldn't you?
I'm not that stupid.

I'm sorry.
It was a natural mistake.

Where's my jeep?

You have a real flair
for decorating.

Goes with your nostrils.

I want my jeep, Pierce.
I want my jeep!

-I don't know where
your damn jeep is.
-Now don't--

[moaning]
What the hell's in there?

You seem to have
kicked my patients

right in the X-rays.

Possibly you had
a negative reaction.

I think I broke something.

Well, I'm glad it wasn't me.

All right.
Let me take a look.

Ohh!

[Korean]

Dr. Wu says
the treatment's completed.

Good. How do you
feel, Major?

Knitted and purled.

Please stand, Major.

Come on. Upsy-daisy,
Winchester.

Let's road test
that sacroiliac.

Are you mad?
I've just been stabbed!

-I could be crippled for life!
-Up, Moby!

Easy! Easy! Easy. Easy.

-Come on now.
-Easy!

It would seem I'm cured.

Like a side of pork.
Well done, Dr. Wu.

Well, Winchester,
it seems as though

you're about to chow down

on a three-course
dinner of crow.

Willingly.
I have acted shamefully.

My apologies to you
and your most learned
colleagues.

You are truly doctors.

[Korean]

Larry, Moe, Curly.

Dr. Wu say not bad
for three stooges, eh?

Yeah. No.

HAWKEYE: You really
ought to see a doctor
about that foot.

You're a doctor.
Do something. Set it.

You wouldn't trust
an 8 ball like me.

Come on, Pierce. You took
an oath. Now help me.

You've seen too many
doctor movies.

By the way,
how are you at limping?

Come on now.
You know it hurts like hell.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

-I'll make you a package offer.
-What?

First, I'll find out
who swiped your jeep,

and I'll get it
back to you.

Second, I'll give back
the jeep I took,

and third,
I'll fix your foot.

That's more like it.

But you owe me $4.00
for the X-ray.

What? I want to see
another doctor.

Boy, are you in luck.
There's a convention in town

just a short hop
across the compound.

You know something, Pierce?

You really stink.

I do my best.

Okay. Let's go. Four bucks.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way,
it's only sprained.

Nothing to kick about.

Four bucks and you tell me
it's only sprained?

That's my fee
for a pound of flesh.

Here's to justice,
poetic and otherwise.

No, here's to you
for stealing Snyder's jeep.

I thought tilting at windmills
wasn't your game, Sancho?

Hey, I'm a born tilter.

Besides, I couldn't let you
be stupid for both of us.

Well, in honor
of that wonderful team

of Fool and Hardy,
the drinks are on me.

-Hey.
-Barkeep, the check.

-Two doubles. That's $1.20.
-Here's four bucks.

Keep the change.

♪♪ [theme]

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