09x16 - The Red/White Blues

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

Hey, that's pretty good.

You ever think of auditioning
for the Rockettes?

The best physical I ever
had was back in W. W. I,

from a pretty
little mademoiselle
in a French farmhouse.

Mm‐hmm.

The only time I ever had
my reflexes checked

without a hammer.

Of course,
my mademoisellin' days

ended with the Armistice‐‐

the one I signed
with Mildred.

Shh!

How are the tubes?

165 over 93.

Can't be. Take it again.

I did it twice.
That's the best of the two.

Damn! If my diastolic's
over 90,

the chief surgeon's gonna
yank me right out of here

and stick me
in some weenie job

sittin' in
a stateside hospital

rubber stamping
bedpan inventories.

You can't be sure of that.

Pierce, the army is
always on the lookout

to 86 an old sawbones.

They love bringing in
young bucks

who haven't even unwrapped
their scalpels yet.

Everything else
looks good‐‐

your blood count,
chest X‐ray, EKG.

Do me a favor. Knock
4 points off the diastolic

and 15 off the systolic.

The chief surgeon'll
never know the difference.

Listen, for once,
I agree with the army.

There's a good reason

why they don't fool
with those high numbers.

When it comes to the
cardiovascular system,

I'm not gonna fudge.

Damn it!
This is my last physical!

Nobody's gonna yank me
out of the rat race

until I've crossed
the finish line.

Listen, I know you.
You wouldn't fake it for me.

Wait a minute.

This physical doesn't have
to be in for two more weeks.

Can I buy a little time
from you, Pierce?

I know I can reduce
the old pressure P. D. Q.

That's fine with me,

but you know what that
means, don't you?

No salt, no caffeine,
no booze, no cigars.

Easier done than said.

And most important,

you can't let yourself
get aggravated.

There's a lot of pressure
in running this place.

You're gonna have to
roll with the punches.

Don't worry, Pierce.

I'm gonna take
a two‐week vacation

in the state
of tranquillity.

And you can help by
keeping this under your hat.

I don't want
everybody in camp

treating me like some
doddering old fogey.

You're absolutely right.

Let me help you
down from there.

Ah‐ah‐ah.
Just a tranquillity test.

Sir! Sir, I've been
looking all over for you.

Well, son, if you had
looked where I was,

I would have been right there.

You don't understand, sir.

You forgot to sign the form
for my pass to Tokyo.

I left it on your desk,
but I guess you overlooked it.

Oh, I didn't overlook it.
I nixed it.

How could you do that, sir?

Son, it wasn't my doing.
It was yours.

H.Q. says all your
morning reports

for the past 60 days
are 100% wrong.

Impossible! I fill out
those morning reports

every few days
like clockwork.

Unfortunately, 60 days ago,

they changed forms,
and you didn't.

You mean I have to do those
reports all over again?

Afraid so.

Oh, sir, that's
a mountain of work.

That'll take me at least
a week to climb it.

It's a good thing I'm gonna
be getting a couple days

in Tokyo to freshen up
for the job.

Wrong. You can say
sayonara to Tokyo.

H.Q. wants those new
reports in three days.

Sir, let me go to Tokyo.
There's no hurry.

It took 'em 60 days
to find out

I was doing it wrong,
didn't it?

Now, look, Corporal,

I'm already getting
a lot of flak‐‐

‐Colonel.
‐What!

This isn't worth
getting excited about.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Klinger, you've got three days

to make a molehill
out of that mountain.

Toodle‐oo.

How do you like that?

He ruins my whole weekend,

and he seems happy about it.
Boy, that burns me!

Relax, will ya?
He was just doing his job.

Oh, yeah? Well, he seems
to enjoy the work.

And what's with you
telling him

I'm not worth
getting upset about?

I don't want him getting
upset about anything,

so don't go grumping
around the office.

Ha! I have not yet
begun to grump.

Klinger, drop it, will ya?

Oh, yeah? Give me
one good reason why.

I'll give you
165 over 93.

POTTER: And now for
today's last bit of news.

This morning,
the first robin of spring

was spotted entangled
in a camouflage net.

Soon our fancies will
turn to things romantic,

like mosquitoes.

When those skeeters arrive,

their bags will be
filled with malaria,

so it's top priority
that you start taking

your weekly chloroquine
pills again.

I now return you to your
regularly scheduled repast.

(applause)

Please, please.

Loved your speech, sir.

I couldn't put it down.
Breakfast is on me.

Why, thank you, Igor.

Uh, good morning,
Colonel.

How you feeling?

So far, so good.

Uh, that's not coffee,
is it?

Oop. Just habit.
First thing in the morning.

Thanks for catching it.

Good morning, Colonel.
Beautiful day, isn't it?

You have a restful
night?

Wouldn't know. Slept
right through it. Ha ha!

Sir, is that coffee?

So they tell me.
Why?

Because it's awful today.

Mmm.

Absolutely undrinkable.

Well, then,
lucky for me

I wasn't planning
on drinking it.

Boy, these eggs
are bland.

I think they threw
the eggs away

and scrambled the cartons.

Hunnicutt.

Would you
care to explain

what you just did
with the salt?

Oh, that?

I'm saving a seat,
uh, for Father Mulcahy.

Pierce, why is everybody
suddenly so concerned

about my eating
and sleeping habits?

I guess 'cause you're
such a swell guy.

Not for long!

You've been tattling
about my physical condition.

Please, I thought we weren't
going to discuss that.

Colonel, you mustn't
aggravate yourself.

It elevates a person's
blood pressure.

That is, if a person
has a problem with it.

‐Hello, all.
‐Father, here. I saved
you a place to sit.

‐Oh, thank you.
‐Mm‐hmm.

Colonel, you're not gonna
drink that coffee, are you?

You even blabbed
to the priest!

Is nothing sacred to you?

Two lousy days.

The peace talks
are a year behind.

That doesn't
bother the army.

Morning, Klinger.
How's it coming?

Oh, wonderful, sir.

Nothing like an early morning
dip in a sea of paper.

‐So Pierce told you too.
‐Relax, sir.

I don't know a thing
about your blood pressure.

I didn't want
anybody to know,

but in your case,

I'm better off
making an exception.

Permission to treat
the old man
with kid gloves.

‐Oh, what have we got here?
‐Oh, some medicine.

It just came in
from I‐Corps, sir.

Good. Probably
the chloroquine.

Sir, I'll give you
a hand with that.

No, no, no.
You do your reports.

I think I can
open a box of pills

without stressing myself.

What in Hannah's hell
have you done now?

What are you
talking about?

You ordered the wrong
damn medicine!

‐That's what!
‐Hey, hey, keep it down.

There are people who need
peace and quiet here,

and you're one of them,
Colonel.

This 8 ball ordered primaquine
instead of chloroquine.

I'm sure I ordered
what you asked for.

Oh, yeah? I'm surprised you
didn't order Anthony Quinn.

On second thought,
that would have been
an improvement.

At least he could
act like a clerk.

Calm down, Colonel.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.

Hey, I didn't do
anything wrong, honest.

I'll show you. I got
the requisition form
right here in my files.

(scoffs)
I'll show you.

Will you look
at all that junk?

Probably the only file
with a cake in it.

That's just a doughnut.
I save them to bribe the rats.

Relax, Colonel.
There's no emergency.

We can get by
with the primaquine.

At least we can keep
the malaria in check.

If it's the same
medicine,

why is everybody
yelling at me?

Because it's not
exactly the same.

Not by a damn sight.

Chloroquine's
just a suppressant.

Primaquine's the curative.

Oh, well,
that explains everything.

They only give primaquine
to guys who are going home.

Which leaves you out for sure.

Look, it's better
than nothing.

Not by much.
And what about the Negroes?

What did I do to them?

Sometimes Negroes suffer bad
side effects to primaquine.

As long as we
control the dosage,

there won't be any problem.

This may be a hard
pill to swallow,

but Klinger didn't foul up.

‐He didn't?
‐Of course I didn't.
I told you that.

No, the depot's
out of chloroquine.

So just for now,
they sent us primaquine.

‐Oh, I see.
‐You want me

to take these pills
that I did not screw up

over to the mess tent?

No, you just dig into
your reports.

I want to make sure these
are handed out properly.

If you need me, just holler.

I'm sure you know
how to do that.

Uh, listen, son,
I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Aw, sir, I couldn't
stay mad at you.

I'll be okay.
I hope you will be too.

Yeah.

And give me some of
the hash blue potatoes.

Good choice.

Ah... (mutters)

Here's your
primaquine, Colonel.

Danke.
I hope you're making sure

nobody gets more than one
of these little bonbons.

‐Don't worry, sir. No seconds.
‐Kind of a shame.

Probably the best‐tasting
item on the menu.

Yeah.

And they don't aggravate
your blood pressure, either.

(knocking)

‐(knocking)
‐Come in.

I thought you might
like some breakfast.

Oh, mighty thoughtful
of you, Major.

Just set it down over there.

Oh, you already have
something to eat.

Captain Hunnicutt brought
a little eye‐opener an hour ago.

I feel like a Don McNeill
Breakfast Clubber.

I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right.

You just go back to sleep,

and then, when you wake up,

you can have
breakfast and lunch.

‐Good morning.
‐And then dinner.

Okay, Klinger.
How ya doin'?

What happened to this place?
It's all over the place.

Please, I'm working.

I love what you've
done with this room.

I see you've
papered the floor.

You should have been here
an hour ago. It was a mess.

Damn it, Klinger.
You've been at it
a whole day.

Is this all you've done?
Type in "MASH 407"?

No, no. No,
I‐‐I did other stuff.

I found some
morning reports...

and I put 'em, uh,
in this pile.

You picked up some reports
and put them in a pile?

You must be exhausted.
Why don't you take a break?

Oh, thank you, sir.

If Potter walks in here
and sees this mess,

he's gonna blow his stack.

‐Is that what you want?
‐No. No, sir.

Then stop sulking around
like a little kid.

I am not, sir.
I'm just so tired.

I‐‐I can't seem
to get going.

I bet you'd be able
to get going to Tokyo,
though, wouldn't you?

Look, I'm gonna do something
I very rarely do.

I'm gonna give you
a direct order.

Fix those reports
and clean up this room!

‐You understand?
‐Yes, sir.

I'm really gonna get with it,
sir. You can count on me.

That's my sleepy‐time pal.

I'll keep Potter
out of here

while you rebuild
this disaster area.

Ooh!

(groans)

Ahh.

Nothing like an afternoon out
with the boys, eh, Colonel?

I appreciate the heartfelt
concern, lads,

but truth be told,

I was havin'
a pretty peaceful time

cuddled up with Zane Grey.

Come on. We know you.

After a couple
of sh**t‐outs,

you'd be moseying on
over to your office.

‐What's wrong with that?
‐Nothing.

But an office means
work, work, work.

What you need
is fun, fun, fun.

There's Charles.
Let's sit with him.

‐I thought you said fun.
‐Come on.

Would you like some
invigorating company,
Charles?

Indeed I would.
Sit down, Colonel.

See you around, guys.

Oh, thanks, Charles.
We will.

So how goes the w*r
of nerves, Colonel?

Well, well, Pierce.
For a minute there,

I thought you had
missed somebody.

Winchester's the only one

who hasn't been
k*lling me with kindness.

I thought the nicest thing
I could do for you, sir,

would be to keep my distance.

There's a lesson
in that for you two.

So, what'll it be, folks?

Oh, that's
a sweet‐smellin' stogie.

It oughta be, sir.

‐Pure Havana.
‐Wow.

Cheroots like that are hard
to come by around here.

‐Say no more.
Here you go, Colonel.
‐Ah! Sorry, Colonel.

Your body is
a no‐smoking zone.

Easy there, gents.
I don't inhale these.

I just invite the smoke
into my mouth

for a quick rendezvous,

followed by
a lingering au revoir.

Close, but no cigar.

Yes, sir, warden.

Okay, so, what
are you drinking?

I'll have a‐‐

lemonade.
Make it a double.

That sounds refreshing.
I think I'll have one too.

Squeeze a glass
for me as well.

I'll have another cognac.

Wait a second, fella.

If you're gonna sit
at this table,

you're not gonna
have any booze.

First of all, fella,

cognac is hardly booze.

Secondly, this is my table.

I was sitting here quietly,
minding my own business

when suddenly I was set upon
by Captain Carrie Nation

and his traveling
temperance show.

Let the man have
what he wants.

So what's it gonna be?

Lemonade.
Hold the cookies.

Winchester, I'm fed up
with your mollycoddling.

‐What?
‐Hello.

Colonel, I just wanted
to see how you were feeling.

‐Crowded.
‐Oh.

Well, I was just dropping by
on my way to post‐op.

‐Okay, guys,
what'll we do for fun?
‐How about some darts?

I wouldn't advise letting
me near anything sharp.

‐Why don't you play some poker?
‐Poker.

Poker. There's something
I can deal with.

All right, Colonel.
Hit the deck.

Oh, boy, there's nothing like
life on the Mississippi.

I'm a little short
of long green this week,

and I know you rubes
are good for a peso or two.

You mustn't play for cash.
Too much tension.

Poker isn't poker
without stakes.

‐Here. We'll play
for pretzels, okay?
‐Good idea, Hawk.

‐Deal, Colonel.
‐Pretzels? Geez Louise!

Some pretzels, will you?
On your way to post‐op,

stop off at Klinger's
office for me.

Find out
if he's got that place

back to its normal state
of upheaval.

‐Of course.
‐There's only so much lemonade

we can pour down the colonel.

Klinger's still not moping
about that pass, is he?

‐I hope not.
‐If that office is still dirty,

I'll mop it up with him.

‐Here we go.
‐Uh‐huh.

Two for you, two for you‐‐

‐Oh.
‐ ...two for you.

Okay, pigeons, ante up.

Ah‐ah‐ah. Salt.

(gasps)

(gasps)

‐How dare you!
‐Of course I'll respect you.

You miserable, selfish,
malingering louse!

Oh, Major Houlihan.

Don't you Major me, soldier!

Look at this pigsty! Get up!

Oh, oh! Please, Major.
You're hurting my back.

It's probably just overloaded

from the weight
of all of those goldbricks.

No, No, I mean it.
I feel rotten.

Maybe I got malaria
or something.

I never had it as a kid.

Malaria, huh? No fever.

‐Have you had any chills?
‐No.

‐Did you take your primaquine?
‐Yeah.

Then you certainly
don't have malaria.

You're just mad 'cause
you didn't get your pass,

and you're taking it out
on the sweetest man
who ever lived.

‐(helicopters overhead)
‐Choppers!

Get off your duff,
soldier!

(groaning)

I'm crawling
as fast as I can.

There are only two more
out there, Colonel.

We can handle them, Colonel.

Why don't you knock off early?

I like being in on things.

When I was a kid,

I hated eating dinner
with the little people.

Always stuck us
at a rickety card table.

(murmuring)

What's the progress report
on Klinger's office?

He was fast asleep,
and his room is a nightmare.

I think we should rename it
the mess hall.

I gave him a direct order
to clean that place up.

I can't believe Klinger
would do something
so crummy. Clamp.

‐Clamp.
‐Well, I wouldn't put
anything past that jerk.

He even claimed
to have malaria,

and he didn't have
a single symptom.

All right. That does it.
I'm putting him on report.

‐How do you do that?
‐What's with the sotto voces?

‐You got a problem there?
‐BOTH: No. No. No.

‐Everything's fine.
‐Everything's real smooth.

‐Very nice, very nice.
‐All sewn up here.

Take him back to post‐op
and bring in the next
unlucky devil.

‐I'll need some gloves.
‐I sent Goldman for some.

I don't know
what's taking him so long.

I sent Goldman for those.
Where is he?

Over there, Major.

Goldman, this is no time
for a coffee break.

Sorry, Major.
I don't know what it is.

I'm just so tired,
and my back is k*lling me.

You're in the way here.
Go rest in the changing room.

Soon as the doctor is free,

I'll have him go
take a look at you.

Sure, you believe him.

I've got the same symptoms,
and I'm a goldbrick.

It's not the same.

His back hurts,
and he's tired and‐‐

Uh‐huh. It is the same,
only I had it first.

Well, I never know
when to believe you,

with all the stunts
you've pulled.

I never pulled anything
on the job,

and I never ever would pull
anything on the colonel.

I'm sorry, Klinger.
Go on and rest
in the changing room.

Okay, let's see you make that
little uvula dance for me.

‐Ahh.
‐Very good.

Wait right there.
What do you think?

It looks like
they're both anemic.

Anemic, huh?

We won't know anything
until we run some tests.

If they weren't Caucasian,
I'd think

maybe they were having
a reaction to the primaquine.

It could be mono
or hepatitis.

We may have the beginnings
of an epidemic on our hands.

We'd better isolate them
from both the camp and Potter.

I just feel so awful about
the way I treated Klinger.

There's a lot of that
going around.

I hope his back is too
sore to carry a grudge.

You take care of Klinger.
I'll see to Goldman.

Klinger, I have
one more order for you.

‐Forgive me, please.
‐That goes for me too.

I'll think it over

while I'm resting up
from my imaginary disease.

And just what is it
I don't have?

You have nothing
to worry about.

You and Goldman
picked up a little bug.

For now, we're gonna put you
both in the VIP tent.

I can't go there. I gotta
finish those reports.

The colonel's counting on me.

Don't you worry your little
head about a thing.

We'll take care of everything.

Why is everybody
being so nice to me?

Oh, my God. I'm gonna die.

You gotta save me.
You said you liked me.

You're not getting
out of here that easy.
Come on. Let's go.

Father, I need your help.

You stay here and wait
for Colonel Potter,

and if you want to keep him
as your commanding officer,

whatever you do,
don't let him near his office.

Major, you just volunteered
to come with me.

Oh, gee. Sorry, Major,
but with the exception
of some fundraising,

for the Boston Symphony
Orchestra,

I don't do volunteer work.

Move it, buster!

Ah, Colonel Potter, we were
just talking about you.

Uh, Padre, you're alone.

That's why I'm
so glad to see you.

Now you change, and we'll
go someplace and have a chat.

Have a snack
in the mess tent.

That's not your office.

Can't argue with that.

Why the sudden surge
of sociability?

I just realized that we're
together day after day,

and we've never really
sat down and chewed the fat.

So...

tell me about the Midwest.

I hear it's flat.

Ah. Oh. Okay. All right.

Now I need the post‐op patient
status report for April 11.

I haven't the foggiest
idea where that would be.

‐Well, look under P.
‐Post‐op under P?

That is the one place
I know it won't be.

We must not labor
under the delusion

that these were filed
by another h*m* sapiens.

The last ones I found

were under G
for "getting better."

Just what do you
suggest we do?

Burn the damn place down,
take a tax loss.

There it is, plain as day,
hemolytic anemia.

Mmm.

I hate to sound
like a broken record,

but we've eliminated
everything but the primaquine.

Yeah, but the book says
this is only supposed
to happen to Negroes.

It's a new pill.
Maybe the book
isn't finished yet.

So maybe the pill
is color‐blind.

So what do you say we take
them off the primaquine
and see what happens?

We might as well.
It's the only thing
that makes sense.

We've discovered a new
medical procedure:

take no pills
and call me in the morning.

It's a very interesting
hypothesis‐‐

We just take them
off everything.

That or chicken soup.

Excuse me, but would you
three great scientists

stop patting yourselves
on the back

and get down on your knees

and help me find the status
reports for April 26?

Okay, but nobody ever talked
that way to Louis Pasteur.

Of course not.
He was French.

Is it true that pigs
are smarter than horses?

Padre, go ask a pig
and a horse.

Whichever gives you the best
answer, that's the one.

Now let me in
my blessed office!

I never rassled
a priest before,

but God knows you're
giving me good reason!

What in Samuel Hill
hit this place?

Uh, sir,
it's not as bad as it looks.

Nothing could be
as bad as this looks!

Now, Colonel, no point in
getting yourself in a tizzy.

‐No, sir. Please, sit down.
‐Where?

‐Uh, maybe your tent.
‐HAWKEYE: You can go
take a nap.

And I'll get you a nice
glass of warm milk.

Just the thing
to soothe the nerves.

‐(shouts)
‐I can't stand it anymore!

The next person
who's nice to me

is gonna die
with boots on‐‐ mine!

I'll have no more of this
from any of you! Understood?

Boy. Ha ha.
That sure felt good.

Mm‐hmm. Okay.

It's been, uh, two weeks
with no primaquine.

Congratulations, Maxwell.

Your blood is good
to the last drop.

Boy, am I glad.
I was getting tired
of being anemic.

Yahoo! Ha ha! 137 over 88!

Wonderful numbers.

You made it with
two points to spare.

I know that. I wanted to give
myself a little leeway.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

‐Ahem.
‐Oh.

‐Ah!
‐Ahh.

(knocking)

‐That you, Klinger?
‐I think so, sir.

What's left of me.

Howdy, son.
Looks like you had yourself
quite a weekend in Tokyo.

Beyond description.
Let me tell you about it.

First, I got sick on raw fish,
and a sumo wrestler fell on me.

Then I got thrown
out of a geisha house

for leaving a ring
around the bath.

And to top things off,
I got flattened

by a hit‐and‐run
rickshaw driver.

When they hit‐and‐run,
they really hit and run.

Sounds as if you had the worst
Tokyo weekend in history.

Not really, sir.

Corporal Goldman
reporting, sir.

♪♪♪ (theme)