10x04 - Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪ (fanfare)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
A highlight from
the All‐American

Water Ski Tournament
at Cypress Gardens,
Florida.

Miss Charlene Zint teams

with Air Force
Lieutenant Stu McDonald

in the mixed doubles event,

and they really put on
a show.

Yes, it's a patriotic,
aquatic,

ecstatic acrobatic.

The now familiar figure
of General Nam'il

struts to the Korean
truce talk tent

at Panmunjom

for still another
secret meeting

in the long‐drawn
armistice negotiations.

The U. N. Chief Delegate
General Harrison

and his team are
on hand.

"Marking the first
anniversary of truce talks."

Can you believe this?

365 days,
and all they can agree on

is the shape
of the conference table.

Actually, the toughest
thing in any relationship

is picking out the furniture.

They can't even set
the agenda because
they can't agree

that the first item
on the agenda,

which they don't have,
is to set the agenda.

Meanwhile,
back at the w*r,

more and more kids get
to be teenagers forever.

I'd say there was
no point in letting
this drive you crazy,

but I can see I'm too late.

Those idiots are fiddling
while Korea burns.

That doesn't bother you,
huh?

Sure, it bothers me.
What can I do about it?

Well, you could get
enraged.

Or even a little peeved.

From you,
I'd settle for irked.

Or at least one good
"oh, pshaw."

I save my "oh, pshaws"
for things I can do
something about.

Yeah, well, I'm going
to do something about it.

Oh, yeah? Good.

Actually, I was getting
tired of this w*r.

(jet passing overhead)

HAWKEYE (thinking):
Dear Harry,

I know as president,
you're busy stopping
bucks and all,

so I'll be brief.

I am a doctor and Democrat,

loyal Democrat
now living in Korea.

Or as I call it, hell.

I'd like to be home
before winter when
hell freezes over.

Hawkeye Pierce?
Dr. H. Pierce?

Yeah, what is it, Klinger?

Our C. O.‐ness requests
your presence

for a big powwow
with Colonel Ditka.

Green tie is optional.

All right, all right.
I'll be right over.

(continues)
I'm sure you're aware

that peace talks
are a year old

and we're all a year older.

I've given it
a lot of thought,

and call me a crackpot,

but I think I've got
a solution to this problem.

Stop the w*r.

Who's Colonel Ditka?

Colonel Ditka's
look‐seein' us
to make sure we get

all the medical,
engineering
and supply goodies

we need to make
this w*r more comfy.

Well, that's very
comforting to know
the army's

supporting us
in our efforts here.

We at H. Q. appreciate

the vital work you're doing
and want to help.

If you need anything,
just say the word,
and it's yours.

What incredible timing.

Just yesterday,
I ran out of Ava Gardner.

Okay, Colonel, the rainy
season's up and coming.

When we're trying to get
the wounded into pre‐op,

often we're slipping
and sliding in the mud.

A wooden ramp
would be a godsend.

An O. R. refrigerator
that held more blood
would be nice.

Smaller battles
would be nicer.

Pierce, please.
I'll tell you what
we really need.

A higher capacity
water heater.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know, like for hospital
linens, hot packs.

Not to mention
sterilization.

I'd have to agree,
that's top priority.

A water heater's just
what this doctor orders.

This is the way
to do business, hmm?
All right.

(clears throat)
I've got something on my mind.

(clears throat, sniffles)

What are you doing
about beautification?

Beautification?

Yes. You see,
you don't notice it

because you're here
every day.

But to a visiting dignitary,

this place looks terrible.

Now, High Command wants
these MASH units

spruced up a bit.

Colonel, we've got
priorities here,

and yanking crabgrass

is way at the bottom
of the list of chores.

Didn't you see our spread
in Better Homes and Hovels?

The top brass wants us

to leave this country
better than we found it.

Well, how about if we meet
you halfway and just
leave the country?

Colonel,
you can't be serious.

A combative attitude
just creates more problems.

You know, he's right.
Why don't you tell that

to the guys up at
the peace talks?

Make all the jokes you want.

But if you expect
to get that heater,

you're gonna have to
go on a neighborhood
improvement program.

That's the way it is.

Well, I've gotta get
to the 8228th.

Yeah, I hear that place
is a real dump.

Think about my offer,
Colonel. Hmm?

Boy, I've seen a lot

of looniness
in this man's army.

Once had a C. O.
who made us shine

the soles of our boots.

But this!
This takes the cake!

Oh, I don't know.
w*r may be ugly,

but it shouldn't be
an eyesore.

With all due respect

to Pierce's sarcasm
and your tantrums, sir,

might I point out that
Colonel Ditka has offered us

the opportunity to acquire
the water heater we need.

Damn it, that brush lip
is talkin' blackmail.

Well, if beautifying
this camp

is what it takes
to save some more lives,

I don't see
that we have a choice.

What really chafes my chaps
is that you're right.

And seeing
as you're so gung ho,

you can top‐kick our 4077th
beatification program.

Count on me, sir.
But I'll need a lot
of support from everybody.

Don't worry about me,
Margaret.

For the next week,
I won't even talk dirty.

I got just
the right‐hand man for you.

Needs to work off
that secretarial spread.
Klinger!

That must be me, sir.

Major Houlihan's
starting up

a beautification detail.

I'm appointing you foreman.
Think you can handle it?

Sure. We Klingers
are born semi‐executives.

‐I'll be mean, but fair.
‐That's a good lad.

Would it be too presumptuous
to ask why

we're attempting
to beautify this sewer?

Simple.
We need a water heater.

Of course, sir.
What a foolish question.

HAWKEYE:
Harry, you want to know
what Korea looks like today?

Picture Swiss cheese
with cities.

Believe me,

putting slipcovers
on the landmines
just won't help.

Tell you what,
you end this fiasco now,

and I pledge to purchase
all your daughter Margaret's
inimitable recordings.

Don't bother to
deliver them,

I'd love to pick them up
on my way home.

Sincerely,
Hawkeye Pierce, M. D.
Medical Democrat.

MAN: Doctor.

You okay?

Doctor, you do good job
to take out b*llet.

Soon I go to fight again?

Not until I can
shake this foot

and it doesn't sound like
a maraca.

What's the hurry?

I have my duty.
A Turk must k*ll many mens.

Oh, well,
I knew there had to be
a good reason.

‐How's yours?
‐Sick.

Another kid with a belly
full of crankcase oil.

Uh‐huh.

It's getting to be the most
popular drink in Korea.

One a day keeps
the combat duty away.

Ah, this kid's seen
plenty of combat.

Couple months ago,
his unit took a hill,

suffered 30 percent
casualties.

He got a medal.

Couple days later,
they lost the hill,

suffered 40 percent
casualties.

Another medal.

Tomorrow, they're gonna try
and retake that hill.

So he decided he
didn't want to play

Korean roulette
anymore, huh?

The trouble is,
he loses either way.

Now he thinks
he's a coward.

P.S.:

Mr. T., I'd like to
tell you about a hero

with a small problem.

He's damned if he doesn't,
dead if he does.

(blows whistle)

Okay, put that dirt
over here.

Get those rocks
out over there.

Come on. Lift that shovel.
Tote that hoe.

Talk about dumb.
Spiffin' up a w*r.

I quit.

‐(all grumbling)
‐Hey, get back to work.

Who called
a mutiny break?

We're through.

What are you gonna do
about it, skyscraper nose?

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

Major, they won't work.

Oh?

Is that so?

And next time
I won't be so easy on ya.

Klinger,
where's the shrubbery
I told you to get?

Oh, I shopped that out
to a vendor who's b*ating
the bushes for bushes.

Well, speak of
the bush beater.

Hey, Kim Han,
that was quick.

Piece of cake.
No trouble to shake a leg.

‐Who's the tomato?
‐Oh, tomato.

This tomato is
the big cheese.

Major Houlihan,
Kim Han.

Kim Han,
it's very nice to meet you.

‐Ditto, dollface.
‐(chuckles)

Tell me,
where did you learn

how to speak such
interesting English?

U.S. magazines and papers.
I see all the movies.

America number one!

‐(chuckling)
‐Lana Turner, hubba hubba.

This kid is a whiz
on the States.

Yesterday we played
name the capitals.

He skunked me,
and I knew four.

You know, someday that's
gonna make a wonderful
shade tree.

If I'm still here then,
I'll hang myself from it.

Okay, fork over the moola.

Here ya go, kid.

One dollar, as promised.

You need any more help,
just whistle.

Do you know how to do that?

Sure.

You just put your lips
together and blow.

I like movies too.
(laughs)

Listen, Klinger, I think
we've got enough work

for Kim Han to stay
on the payroll.

‐Next time I'll pay.
‐Thanks, toots.

You just take care
of the plants.

Let's go, kid.
Time is moola.

There you are, Colonel.

Oh, I already knew that,
Padre

but thanks
for telling me anyway.

This is not the time
for whimsy.

I received this memo today
from my superior at H. Q.

I didn't know they had
Father Superiors.

He is superior
in name only.

Some green‐behind‐the‐ears
novice

with a bug up his cassock.

And you know what
he wants to know?

‐No.
‐He wants to know

what I'm doing
about this company's
spiraling V. D. rate.

(chuckles)
Sorry.

Well, that's a barrel
of bushwa, Padre.

They can't make a priest
responsible for the V.D.
problem.

Unless they believe
in the theory of
immaculate infection.

Well, I handle
spiritual matters

around here
pretty darn well.

But I shouldn't have
to solve the medical
problems.

And I'd say V. D. is
the province of an M. D.

‐Wouldn't you, Colonel?
‐I would, Padre.

And I'm gonna help you
"unsnafu" this.

All I gotta do
is figure out how.

These men have got to learn

not to practice license
without a medicine.

Oh, shut your trap.

Relax, Father.
We'll handle it.

We, without me.

It is patently absurd
for officers to waste
valuable time

monitoring the behavior
of allegedly adult men.

Charles thinks this is
just a lot of claptrap.

(chuckles)
Indeed, I do.

Major, venereal disease
is just that, a disease.

You're a doctor.

Why does dealing with it
put your snout in the sky?

I am a doctor.

I'm deeply concerned
with human suffering.

On the other hand,

if one chooses to socialize
with sordid working women,

one tends to get
what one deserves.

You know something,
Winchester?

You're right.

People should get
exactly what they deserve.

Next.

Oh, and your name,
young lady?

‐Sun Ki.
‐Oh, how lyrical.

‐Hiya, Joe.
‐(women giggling)

Young lady,
does your mother know

what you do for a living?

This is my mother.

Piquant. Chippie
off the old block.

Would you please step
behind the screen
and remove your garment?

‐Okay. Five dollars, please.
‐(women giggling)

POTTER:
There you are,
young lady.

You come see us again
if you have another, uh,

job related injury.

Uh, Colonel,

speaking of
job related injuries,

I seem to detect
the beginning of
injector's cramp.

Prudence would dictate
that I take a rest, now.

Prudence might,
but I don't.

You got a lady waiting.

Sir, this entire effort is
an exercise in futility.

The presence of these women
in the camp

simply affords them
more opportunity for
contact with the soldiers.

Major, the same idea
occurred to me from
the get‐go,

so I have taken
the precaution of posting

a chaperone to prevent
any fraternizing.

(women giggling)

Hi, honey.

Didn't you go to
Union High School
in Dubuque?

Excuse me, fella,
this a no parking zone.

Sorry.

Do you know how many Rs
there are in surreal?

♪♪♪

ANNOUNCER:
Disclosing another facet

of their unmitigated gall,

the Communists
at Panmunjom

have built
a new building

for the Korean
truce talk delegations.

The very fact of the building
suggests the Reds

regard the talks as
things here to stay.

Major,
I'm proud to announce

the completion
of Operation Pointless.

MARGARET: I don't know.
What do you think, Captain?

It's got everything‐‐
trees, bushes,
green ground?

Pretty good, huh?
I painted that.

It'll be fine as long
as nobody paints any weeds.

It's absurd and tasteless,

which means the army
will love it.

And we'll all be
in hot water.

MARGARET: (chuckles)

Okay, Klinger.
You can dismiss the workers.

Yes, Major.

(blows whistle)

Men, the job is over.

You've really worked hard,
and I appreciate that.

I hereby take back
any previous threats

to screw up your leaves.

‐(blows whistle)
‐Dismissed.

(groaning)

‐KLINGER: Thank you, men.
‐I don't know, Klinger.

It still seems so empty.

There's still
something missing.

It's this bench.
There's no wino.

Tonight I'll go
to the Officers Club
and rent you one.

No, no, no,
we need oomph, pizzazz.

It's gotta look
more parkish.

Like maybe a statue.

Or maybe even better,
a fountain.

Where are you gonna get
a fountain in a medical unit?

That's right.
We're a medical unit!

Klinger,
you're brilliant!

What's up, Doc?
Can I talk to you?

‐Sure. Kim Han, right?
‐Yeah.

I hear people say
you're a top‐notch doctor.

Obviously some
pretty smart people.

You got a problem?

I want an operation.

I have plenty
of loot to pay.

What kind of an operation?

I wanna have eyes
like Americans?

Come on.
You're kiddin', right?

I'm very serious.

What's wrong with having
eyes like a Korean?

Koreans are little squirts.

Americans are real tough.

I wanna be like them.

Like you.
Like John Wayne.

‐Look, Kim Han
‐Please, Doc!

I think about this
for a long time.

Then you know that
having an eye operation

isn't going to change
who you are.

‐It will change how I look.
‐To whom?

To Korean women.

They think American guys
are real dreamboats.

Uh‐huh.

Please, Doc,
will you help me?

Sorry, pal.

Come on, Doc.
Give me a break.

I am.
Believe me, I am.

Have it your way.
I'll go to the 8063rd MASH.

Someone there will
fix me up.

Hey, you know
what I heard?

Tomorrow, we're getting
fresh milk.

I would have been thrilled
with fresh powder.

We gotta get a punching bag
for the Swamp.

What?

(thinking) And this kid
is just one of thousands

who think the road
to happiness

leads straight
to America.

If we stay here
much longer,

we'll have all of Korea
disoriented.

Of course, Koreans
aren't the only ones

unhappy with their eyes.

Am I ever gonna see again?

Tell me the truth, sir.

I'm a marine.
I can take it.

We can't tell yet, son.
Maybe.

Maybe.

(sobbing)

‐I'm not crying.
‐I know you're not.

Poor kid.
What happened to him?

He got blind drunk
on a fifth of booze

only he didn't know
it was methyl alcohol.

That homemade hooch
will k*ll ya.

He should have stuck
with an American brand.

He thought he did,

but the local moonshiners
have come up

with a new trick.

They drill a hole
in the bottom of the bottle

and drain out
the good stuff

‐and reseal it with wax.
‐Boy, that stinks.

(glass breaks)

How'd you like
some company?

Oh, Major, sure.
Park it.

That's quite
a king‐size meal

you've got there.

I love American eats.

Spaghetti is tops.

Besides, I'm getting ready
to hit the road.

Well, you sure were
a big help to us,
Kim Han.

‐You're a fine young man.
‐Thank you.

I sure can use
the dough you paid me.

Uh‐huh. I bet you're
gonna buy yourself

some sharp new clothes

to look good
for the girls, huh?

No.

Oh, you don't have
to be modest with me.

How could they keep
their hands

off a dreamboat
like you?

I'm not good looking.

Not like
the American G. I. s.

Are you kidding?
(laughs)

You should have seen some
of those guys when they
were your age.

‐Why?
‐Because.

They were clumsy young boys

and very shy with girls.

And, well,
compared to them,

you're Tyrone Power.

‐I am?
‐Sure.

And things just get better.
Boys become men.

I'd like to see you
in a couple of years, tiger.

Oh, what a lady‐k*ller
you're gonna be.

Hey, kid, the truck's ready
to leave for the 8063rd.

Oh, no, maybe I'll catch
the next one.

Well, good luck to you,
Kim Han.

You not eat
your dinner.

Oh, no,
I have this diet.

I look at our food,
and I lose my appetite.

Doctors,
this is Captain Broz
of the Turkish Army.

He's here to see you.

How do you do, Captain?
I'm Dr. Winchester.

(chuckles)
This is Dr. Pierce.

You have
Turk soldier here, no?

I wish to see.

Yeah, he's right there.
Second bed. He just has
a wounded foot.

‐I know.
‐Friendly guy.

Yes. The sort of thing
Clyde Beatty

brings back alive, huh?

Kellye, when do you get
off duty?

In just a few minutes,
Doctor. What do you have
in mind?

A fast game
of post office.

This is finally signed
and sealed,

and I'd like it delivered
to the outgoing mail
department.

‐Would you do the honors?
‐It would be an honor.

The Harry S. Truman?

(men arguing in Turkish)

Hey, hey, hey!
Keep it down.

There are people trying
to sleep in India.

What is the meaning
of this tumult?

He is stinking rotten
dog droppings.

Oscar Wilde couldn't
have said it better.

Doctor, tell him I do not
sh**t myself to get out
of duty.

‐sh**t yourself? No, no, no.
‐I know the truth!

(yelling in Turkish)

g*n! g*n! Watch it, fella!

‐He is a coward!
I must k*ll him!
‐Everybody down!

Couldn't you just slap the kid?
That was good enough for Patton.

‐Charles, where are you?
CHARLES: I'm not telling
anybody!

Grab the g*n
or bite the b*llet.

‐g*n!
‐No! Watch it! Watch it!

Get him up!
Get him up!

Up you go!
Up you go!

‐Up we go.
There's a good maniac.
‐I will k*ll you both!

Give me a break,
will ya, fella?

Dying on duty is
a court‐martial offense.

He is jackal!
Worthless!

To sh**t him is
to sh**t nothing.

You jerk,
he didn't sh**t himself.

We can tell by the angle
of the wound.

Liars!
Friend of a snake!

HAWKEYE:
Charles, watch it!

(g*nsh*t)

(Broz whimpering)

Now that's what
a self‐inflicted
wound looks like.

And I want you to know
my people busted
their keisters

to get this beautification
business done.

Worked harder
than a woodpecker
in a petrified forest.

What do you think, sir?

‐I like it.
‐How's that?

Did he say he liked it?

I couldn't hear.
Does he like it?

I'd like him to like it.

‐Yes, sir, I do like it.
‐You hear that, Klinger!

(cheering)

Yes, sir, you've done
yourself proud.

This thing is ingenious
as all get‐out.

Well, the bon mots
go to Major Houlihan.

She's the one who gave
our beauty spot its pizzazz.

MARGARET:
Yeah, well, thank you, sir.

But I couldn't have done it

without my foreman
and my crew.

Thanks, boss. Men.

You can all pat yourselves
on the back.

Because this is what
America is all about.

Bedpans.

Colonel, does this mean

our water heater
is on its way?

‐You can bank on it.
‐Hooray!

You people need
the best equipment possible

so that we can soundly
defeat our enemy.

B.J.:
Whoever he may be.

HAWKEYE (thinking):
I know it doesn't make
much sense, Harry,

but that's how we got
our water heater.

I know you're thinking
it's pretty stupid,

but no more so
than peace talks

that are all talk
and no peace.

I know there's a lot of heat
in your kitchen, Harry,

but there's a bunch
of tired people here

who don't even know
why they're here.

We just miss our families
and friends.

All of us only want
one thing:

to come home.

Help.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel,
quit your dreaming.

It's time for
the nightmare.

Over here!

Over here!

No, no, not there!

(tires skid, crash)

Oh.

Klinger, has the mail
gone out yet?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)