10x08 - Snappier Judgement

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

Hey, look at this.
It's a Polaroid.

If you need more penicillin,
I'll get it for you.

All right, boys,
what's all the tumult?

The camera's been stolen!

They're having
a little problem

with the stolen goods
report of yours.

What, they couldn't read
my typing?

They couldn't read it
because they didn't
receive it.

I must have sent 'em
the carbon paper.

What an original mistake.

Little Chicago?
What's that?

Big place in field somewhere.

Just like Macy's,

except everything there
stolen from Gimbels.

Hey, buddy, I'm lookin'
for a special kind
of camera.

You mean Polaroid.
You lucky.

This brandnew.
Come in last week.

Corporal, are you aware
this camera's been stolen?

Yeah, sure.
I just found it
and bought it.

All right, step out
of the jeep, soldier.

Down to my bones,

I know that boy
did not swipe the camera.

Relax.
Klinger's off the hook.

Oh, by the way,
when you see Klinger,

give him a message for me.

Tell him the heat is on.

C.I.D. is investigating
stolen goods.

So this bad time to sell
anything in Little Chicago.

Okay,
I'll get those drinks now.

No. Not for me.
I've just gone back to work.

Courtmartial?
They'll slap you

with a dishonorable
discharge,

which means
no vet benefits,

plus a civilian
criminal record

doggin' you for
the rest of your life.

What I don't understand is,

even if I did it,
which I didn't,

why are they making such
a big deal over one
lousy camera?

Well, they figure
a big crime ring

is behind
all these thefts

and they hope
you'll lead them

to the bigger sharks
in the pond.

Wonderful.

Son, I'm sorry to
have to tell you this.

The army says,
if you can name some names,

they'd be willing to call
the whole thing off.

Colonel, the only way
I could name names

is if I was a crook,
which I'm not.

I wish I was.
Then I could rat on
my buddies and get off.

Well, don't go
and get yourself fitted

for a ball and chain yet.

You've still got
your day in court.

And you've got
the truth on your side.

With all due respect,
sir,

at this point,
I'd rather have

an unimpeachable,
paidoff witness.

You got more important
things to worry about,

like getting yourself
a defense counsel.

My Uncle Harry's
the best whiplash man
in Toledo.

But he's tied up
right now.

Could we put this off
for 10 years to life?

Well, don't worry about
getting a real lawyer.

In these parts,
the army only uses officers.

One for your side,
one for their side.

You can even pick your own
if you have somebody in mind.

I can't represent you.
We're both witnesses for
the prosecution.

Didn't Colonel Potter
tell you that?
Sure, he did,

but picture this.

If one of the state's
two star witnesses

suddenly defends me
to the hilt,

then the whole case
would be exposed as

an ugly fabrication
of sham.

I think that's what's known as
a conflict of interest.

Oh, sure, they got rules
for everything.

What are they paying you
to torpedo me?

They subpoenaed us.

Klinger, why are you
trusting your future

to the hands of a man who's
sole legal knowledge is

the age of consent
in all 48 states?

That's what makes him
the perfect choice.

He can talk anybody
into anything.

Just ask two thirds of
the nursing staff.

Klinger, you're missing
the point.

The court martial board
is not going to be swayed

by the carnal clichés of
a third rate lothario.

What you need
for you defense is

a man who will bring to it
an air of dignity and stature.

Yeah.
But where are we gonna get
somebody like that?

We're gonna get me.

You?
(laughing)

Charles Emerson Winchester,
defender of the downtrodden.

Charles, you do
all the trodding.

That's how they got down.

Why the sudden interest
in Klinger's welfare?

Yeah.
You don't even like me.

You're always calling me
those long fourletter words.

I will defend you because
I'm the officer
most qualified to do so.

Finally!
Someone who thinks
I'm innocent.

I didn't say that.

Your guilt or innocence
doesn't concern me in the least.

What concerns me is winning.

Sounds like a lawyer to me.

Yeah, this is
serious business.

What makes you so sure
you can win?

Why not? After all,
what is an attorney

but a graduate student
who couldn't get into
medical school.

Gee. Somehow being defended by
a guy who hates my guts

makes me nervous.

A good lawyer is not swayed by
disaffection for one's guts.

It'd be a rare
opportunity...

for litigious excitement.

A thrust and parry of
a verbal joust with
a worthy opponent.

I didn't understand
a word he said.

What a perfect lawyer.
B. J.: Don't do it, Klinger.

Let ICorps
assign somebody.

Oh, sure.

Some apathetic clock puncher
who doesn't care

whether he wins or loses.

Let me defend you, Klinger,

and I assure you,
you won't regret it.

It'll be the most
rational decision
you've made

since you renounced
women's wear.

Consider, Klinger,

the first syllable
of Winchester is "win."

Okay, Major, you've got
yourself a client.

Major,

tell the court,
if you would, uh, please,

what you know of
the defendant's character.

All right.

"Maxwell Klinger is
a rare individual.

"Not only is he honest
and trustworthy,

"a font of loyalty"
(laughing)

Your Honor, would you
instruct the witness

to stop tittering
and answer the question?

Please answer the question,
Margaret Major.

I I'm trying to help,
but this isn't easy.

It (chuckles)

He is also the cement
that binds our unit.

Binds our unit.
(laughing)

In my rendered opinion
from the bench,

continued hysterics
from the witness

might tend to undermine
her credibility.

Major, you may step down
and continue all the way
to out.

(laughing)

I'm I just

(laughing)

We don't need her.

And she's one of
the friendly witnesses.

I would like to call
to the stand

one Father Francis Mulcahy.

Thanks, Father.
(clears throat)

Father, would you tell
the court

in your own sacred words

your assessment
of my client's character?

I'd be delighted.

I think
the following anecdote

capsulizes
the essence of the man.

Please proceed,
and, uh, speak up.

Recently,
I found myself in need

of some new Bibles
for my Sunday School class.

Ixnay, Father.
Uh, Klinger,

this is no time
for modesty.

Please proceed,
Father.

The old ones were
all tattered.

Now, where was I going
to find 18 new Bibles,

and at a price
we could afford?

Where indeed?

Well, sir, I confided
my dilemma to Klinger.

And somehow,
like a miracle,

the next week,

18 brandnew Bibles
turned up.

I don't know how
he convinced

the Seoul Plaza Hotel

to make that
generous donation.

Yeah.

That's a wonderful story,
Father.

But I don't think
I can base the case

on the stickiness
of my client's fingers.

Sticky fingers?
Yes.

You mean hot Bibles!

Hey, Hawk, what kept you?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I got wrapped up
in that symphony

on Charles's tape recorder.
Oh, yeah?

I got I completely
lost track of time.

Isn't that thing fantastic?
The resonance, the clarity.

When was the last time
you heard

the "1812 Overture"
sound so lifelike?

Not since 1812.

HAWKEYE:
♪ I'm gonna get you ♪

♪ On a slow boat to China ♪

B.J.:
Hey, hey, hey, Hawk!

Knock off the noise,
will you?

HAWKEYE:
Oh, yeah? Why should
Oh, I know.

You're just jealous 'cause
I'm in great voice tonight.

B.J.:
Oh, I'll show you
what great voice you're in.

I'll record it
on Charles' tape recorder

and make you listen to it.

B.J.:
How could he afford

such an expensive
tape recorder?

HAWKEYE:
Are you kidding?

Money means nothing
to Charles.

He's the only American
who landed in Incheon

with Traveler's Checks.

I'll bet you Charles paid

more than 200
for that tape recorder,

and I'm talkin'
American dollars.

Oh, listen, listen.
I was in Seoul.

I saw
I saw a used one

Wait. I'm sorry
For 250. 250.

I'm tellin' you

I'm telling you,
this business is
giving me a headache.

I think we've made
an important
medical discovery.

If you act drunk
long enough,

you get a
real hangover.

I need a wet compress
and a dry martini.

Later.
We got hooks to bait.

I am so glad he keeps
his key in here now.

I hated going through
his socks.

(yawning)

Oh, I hope this guy
makes his move soon.

He's made it.

What?
The tape recorder's gone.

Oh, terrific!
We're off baiting the hook,

and the fish comes in here
and picks the lock.

♪♪♪ (whistling)
Evening, Charles.

Hi, Charles.
Gentlemen.

Hunnicutt,
get off my footlocker.

So how are you doin'?

Tell him.

You tell him.
You take a punch better.

Okay. Charles,
there's something

very important
I have to tell you.

Yes, Hunnicutt?

But no one can tell it
quite the way Hawkeye can.

Oh.

Charles
Yes. Pierce.

(stammering)
Somebody came

Um, I think some
No, but

Somebody took
your tape recorder.

What are you babbling about?

Your tape recorder.
It's not in your footlocker.

It isn't?

How do you know that?

Uh, uh...

Well, I'm sitting on it,
and I can tell.

(chuckles)

Hunnicutt, you do
indeed possess hindsight.

The tape recorder is not
in the footlocker.

No.

It is with Klinger.

I want him to commit
his testimony to memory.

Oh. Oh.
Oh.

When are you gonna get
your tape recorder back

under lock and key

where nobody can get
at it?

Tomorrow.
Ah! Good.

Why this sudden interest
in my tape recorder?

Charles,
haven't you heard?

The place is crawling
with thieves.

These thieves don't crawl
very fast.

I don't understand it.
Three days and no takers.

So where's Klinger?
I don't know.

You don't think
he went AWOL, do you?

Nah. How far can a man run
on rubber legs?

Why would he want
to run away?

The man has all the confidence
in the world in me.

Please don't take me, sirs!
I don't wanna go!

Klinger, I thought
you had more smarts.

Under the beds in postop
is the first place we had
to look.

There you are,
my cowering little criminal.

Major, I've given this
an awful lot of thought.

I've decided to stand up
like a man

at the courtmartial
and beg for postponement.

Perish the thought!

Postponements are for losers.
Perfect.

Come on, Max. How big a case
can they have against you

when their star witnesses are
two of your closest friends?

After I get finished
testifying for you,

they're gonna award you
a Good Conduct Medal.

On top of that,
Winchester's got
my deposition,

and I put in a couple
of hundred good words
for you.

That's great, sir,
but I still wish

you could be there
in distinguished person.

Sorry, son, but some
of us have to stay behind

in case we have to put
out the welcome stretcher.

Good luck, Klinger.
You are

You are the cement
that binds our unit together.

Now she gets it right.

Goodbye, Klinger.
My prayers are with you.

I appreciate that,
Father,

especially after
the 18 Bibles.

Oh, forget about that, son.

Your heart was
in the right place,

even if your hands weren't.

You know, with this kind
of support,

maybe I just might b*at
this rap.

To a veritable pulp, Max.
I shall personally see to it.

Then what are we
waiting for?

Let's get this show
on the road!

Good luck, Klinger.

God speed.

(all cheering)

MAN: Tenhut!

At ease.
Take your seats.

Just look at him,
my worthy teenage opponent.

Hmm. Where is
the challenge?

I'm surprised he doesn't
have training wheels

for his briefcase.

(chuckles)

You're as good
as cleared, Max.

I could whip him
with one deposition

tied behind my back.
(gavel bangs)

This special courtmartial of
the United States Army versus

uh, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
is now in session.

The defendant is charged
with one count grand theft.

We will now entertain
opening statements by counsel.

Thank you, Mr. President.

(clears throat)

Members of the court,
my worthy opponent.

I shall be brief.

I intend to prove
to this august tribunal

that my client
is totally innocent

of the malicious
and unfounded charges

which have been brought
against him.

And though
my learned colleague

with his months
of experience

undoubtedly believes
otherwise,

I shall hold
the army accountable

for the vindictive manner
in which it is persecuting

and prosecuting
this innocent man!

Psst. Over here, sir.

I mean, of course,

this innocent man.
Sorry.

That's interestingly stated,

Major, uh, Winchester,

but you're out of order.

Out of order?
I don't understand.

It's not your turn.

The prosecution speaks first.

Of course he does.

Boy, these guys
are real sticklers.

Yeah.

Colonel, I finally found
that rectal thermometer invoice.

Klinger had it filed under
"Business Equipment."

Thank you, Major.
In a couple of days,

I'll have this cockeyed
system all straightened out.

Don't uncockeye
that system, Major.

Otherwise,
when Klinger gets back,

he won't know
how to misplace
the stuff properly

so he can find it later.

What if he doesn't
come back, sir?

Knock off that kind
of talk, Major Houlihan.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

We've got to keep positive
thoughts here.

Now, how you doin', Padre?

Actually, I'm quite enjoying
the job, Colonel...

uh, temporary,
though it may be.

I only wish I had
a machine like this

for my own personal use.

Well, talk to Klinger
when he gets back.

Probably plenty more where
he hustled this one from.

Damn. I wish I could
be there in person

to vouch for his character.

Now then, Captain Pierce,
this shouldn't take long.

For the record,

I have your statement
declaring

that the camera
which was found

in the defendant's
possession

was the same camera
that you reported stolen.

Is this your signature?
Rather mundane opening ploy.

Uh, yes, but when
I signed that, I didn't

Thank you, Captain.
You've answered the question.

And does this statement
not also acknowledge

that Corporal Klinger failed
to file a stolen goods report

when asked to do so
by his commanding officer?

Yes, but he filed it
as soon as we found out

As soon as you
and Captain Hunnicutt

discovered
his socalled oversight

and left him no choice.
Objection!

The prosecution is clearly
trying to lead the witness.

Mr. President,
although the prosecution
has subpoenaed him,

Captain Pierce is a friend
of the defendant.

He has continually expressed
a reluctance

to testify against him.

Clearly he is
a hostile witness.

And pursuant to
the Uniform Code
of m*llitary Justice,

I believe that it is my right

to employ a greater latitude
in questioning him.

Captain Rollins, you have
certainly done your homework.

How appropriate
for a schoolboy.

Objection overruled.

Proceed, Captain Rollins.
Say, just a

Major, sit down!
Right.

Now then, Captain Pierce,

where were you when
the camera was stolen?

I was in surgery in the O. R.,

and so, might I add,
was Corporal Kling

Confine your answers
to the questions,
Captain, please.

Now then,
where was Corporal Klinger?

As I was about to say,
Corporal Klinger was
in the O. R.,

helping out,
as he always does.

I see. Helping out.
Yes.

Would that include such things
as leaving the O. R.

to go for penicillin?

Well, yes, but, uh

but that was, uh,
if I may so,

a compassionate
and heroic function.

And just how long
did he take to perform

this compassionate
and heroic function?

Well, I don't know.
I was I was busy,
uh, with a patient.

I wasn't watching the clock,
but it certainly wasn't long.

Well, long enough for Klinger
to get to your tent

take the camera,
stash it away and return?

No, not as long as that.
How do you know that?

Did you not just tell
this court

that you were busy
with a patient

and not watching
the clock?

Well, those were my words,
but that's not what I said.

I mean, that's
In short, Captain Pierce,

you don't know how long

Corporal Klinger was
out of the O. R.

Objection!

The question is irrelevant
and immaterial

and I'm sure
a few other things.

I fail to see how
this damning testimony

establishes my client's
guilt or innocence.

Well, you're the only one,
Major. Overruled.

Captain, answer the question.
I might remind you that
you're still under oath.

I don't know how long
Klinger was gone.

But the supply room is very
Thank you.

Your witness, Major.
I have no further questions.

I should say not.
(clears throat)

In your opinion,
Captain Pierce,

would Klinger take
your camera?

No!
Objection.

Sustained.

Colonel,
you have to eat.

Depriving yourself
of food

isn't gonna help
Klinger.

Next, Major, you're gonna
tell me to make all gone.

Everyone shows
their anxiety

in different ways,
Colonel,

but to shun the
necessities of life

It's not the anxiety,
it's the pimento loaf.

They're back!
Well, what happened?

Klinger's only hope
is to get a recess

long enough to go
to law school.

My deposition ought to help.
Did they get to it yet?

They did, and it was
very nice, Colonel.

But the prosecuting attorney
also had depositions

from three "l" Corps
supply clerks,

the accounts payable
department

at a Tokyo dress
manufacturer

Please, enough.

And I wasn't much help either.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel!

In honor of the return
of Captains Pierce and
Hunnicutt,

we're having a big
Meet the Wounded party
in O. R.

Great.
Two blood baths in one day.

How then do you explain
that when the arresting M. P. s

returned with you
to that exact spot
not 30 minutes later

there was no trace
of this Little Chicago?

Well, they must have
packed up and left.

Oh, come on now, Corporal,

isn't this obviously a case
of res ipsa loquitur?

Racial Pepsi Cola?
I must object

strenuously!

On what grounds?
Because...

Uh, I'll have it in a minute.

(papers rustling)

Major, we don't have all day.
What is your objection?

Just a minute.
Just a minute.

(speaking Latin)

Uh, forgive my ignorance,
Mr. President,

but that's a term
I'm not familiar with.

Oh, don't know it. Hmm.

Well, I am.

Major, I want you
to explain to this court

exactly what that means.

Huh.

(nervous chuckle)

Aspirin, three times a day.

(chuckles)

POTTER:
Easy on the suction

or we'll turn him
inside out.

MARGARET:
Look at this shrapnel!

MULCAHY:
Yes, he's sure got

his minimum daily
requirement of iron.

POTTER: Forceps.
Damn it, hurry up!

MARGARET:
This boy's been here before,
hasn't he, Doctor?

POTTER: Unfortunately,
too many of 'em

come back for seconds.

MULCAHY:
Here are those towels

you asked for,
Major Houlihan.

MARGARET:
Thanks, Father.

Goldman, get these
towels distributed.

The point is, gentlemen,

that my client
is totally innocent

of all the charges
against him.

Of that there can be
no question.

But if you,

in your wisdom,

do not agree...

think of me.

My expenditure
of time and effort

has been staggering!

And what of my credibility?

Three generations
of Winchesters

have never lost an argument

much less a trial.

If you send this man
to the stockade,

it will be an injustice,

albeit a minor one.

But the damage
to my reputation

will be a tragedy
of epic proportions.

With that
(clears throat)

I leave you to your
collective consciences

to deliberate my fate.

And his.

CHARLES:
The defense rests.

Please, sir.

Will you handle my appeal?

POTTER:
Retractor, Margaret.

Any more of these fellows
come back,

and we'll have to start
fitting 'em with zippers.

See to that, Margaret,
I've got a bleeder.

MARGARET: Father,
I could use you again.

MULCAHY: Oh, yes, Major.
Be right there.

MARGARET: Kellye, we're gonna
need more blood in here.

And then give
Dr. Pierce a hand.

(camera shutter clicks)
Hey, what are you doin'?

B.J.: Beautiful!
HAWKEYE: Keep snarling!

You've got a real future
in pictures.

"And after careful deliberation,

"we the members of
the special courtmartial

find you, the accused,

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger"

It's okay, Sergeant.
We're on our side.

Sorry to interrupt,
Colonel Drake,

but we'd be sorrier
if we didn't.

What is going on here?

Only a little ex post facto,
habeas corpus

flagrante delicto,
delightful and delovely.

Captain,
you are interrupting

a United States Army
courtmartial!

And you better have
a good explanation!

We have a terrific
explanation.

What are you doing?
Have you no regard

for the sanctity
of these proceedings?

I'm proceeding right
to the stockade.
Let 'em talk!

You can't do that.
Yes, I can. You're fired.

Will you get to the point?
Talk is cheap.

Especially when one picture
is worth a thousand words.

The missing piece of
the puzzle was provided
by Captain Rollins

during his inspired
third degree.

You see, he pointed out
that Klinger wasn't in the O. R.
when the camera was stolen.

And we realized that all
the thefts took place
when we were in surgery.

So when we got back to camp,
we staged a phony O. R.

Lightfingered Louie here
thought everyone was
in surgery.

Captain Pierce and I put
Major Winchester's tape recorder
on display.

You what?
B. J.: While we lurked
in the shadows,

our model thief came by
to have his picture taken.

I think he looks better
with the cuffs on,

Don't you?
Corporal...

I was about
to find you guilty.

But in the light
of this new evidence,

I think that your friends here
have helped us avert

a serious miscarriage
of justice.

Case is dismissed.
(gavel bangs)

(chuckles)
I b*at the rap!

There you are, Max.
Told you I'd get you off.

Guys, I can't just take
your camera.

You paid for it.
And we think it's appropriate

that the new owner takes
the picture.

ALL: Yeah!
Come on.

All right. All right.
All right, everybody.

Now get in there and scrunch
together a little more.

Somebody get my oils.

I can paint this cluster
with less fuss.

Sorry to interrupt you,
folks,

but do you know
where I can find

a Father Francis Mulcahy?

Uh, I'm Father Mulcahy.

Yes, Father, uh,

I'd like to ask you
a few questions.

It's about
some stolen Bibles.

Eighteen to be exact.
Why, uh

Don't say another word,
Father.

Let your counselor
handle this.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)