10x20 - Picture This

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

IGOR: Peas or carrots, sir?

HAWKEYE: A little
of each will be fine.

Good, 'cause I don't know
which is which.

And some mashed potatoes.

Those aren't mashed
potatoes, sir.

It's congealed grease.

Perhaps some other w*r.

CHARLES: Ah, Back from the old
swimming hole, eh, Huck?

‐I see you're a
foot soldier now.
‐Hello.

‐Hello.
‐Excuse me one minute.

‐(shrieks)
‐What in the hell
are you doing?

‐Aha! Just as I thought.
‐Hey, what are you doing?

Gotcha. Thought
you were a smart guy, huh?

‐Pierce, are you
out of your mind?
‐Really, Hawkeye.

These are my socks.
Look at this, look at this.

"B.F.P." That's me.

What a touching reunion, "B."
Is it too much to ask

if we postpone it until after
I have finished my dinner?

‐Well, what have you got
to say for yourself?
‐Can I borrow your socks?

Pierce, I really don't see
the big catastrophe here.

I'm sure he didn't realize
they were yours.

Oh, of course not,
how could he know?

They were just lying around
in my footlocker.

I'm sorry. I'll wash them out
and give them back.

After they've been
on those big feet?

The last socks you borrowed
I'm now using as a winter coat.

Honestly, Hawkeye,
don't you think
you're overreacting a little?

Have you ever rubbed the tops
of your toes with sandpaper?

It's only a little
less painful

than wearing combat boots
without socks.

Big deal!
I'll buy you another pair.

Socks is not the issue.
Privacy is the issue!

Your foot is invading
our privacy.

You went into my footlocker
without even asking me

and took my last pair
of socks!

‐And it wasn't
the first time, either!
‐Pierce, Pierce.

I will buy you
a dozen pair of argyles

if you'll kindly shut up

and let me eat
my dinner in peace.

All right. I've made my point.

I won't say another word.

Folks, I've got a little
personal dilemma

maybe you can help me solve.

What's the matter, sir?

Mildred's got a
birthday coming up.

And I'm plum out of ideas.

I'm sure she'll love
whatever you get for her, sir.

Last year I got her
some fleece‐lined mukluks.

Now how does she expect me
to top that?

‐Boy, I wish I
were in her shoes.
‐Huh?

‐Oh, nothing, nothing.
‐Oh.

I thought you weren't
gonna say another word.

Colonel, why don't you
send her something Korean?

The local artists do beautiful
watercolor landscapes.

Thanks, Padre,
but Mildred's not too keen

on pictures of trees
and mountains.

She always says,
"Why don't you open the drapes

and see the real thing?"
(laughs)

Besides, the only thing
I want to remember
about this place

is you people.

Hot hush puppies!

I'm gonna paint Mildred
a picture of the whole g*ng.

‐What a terrific idea.
‐Well, she's heard so
much about all of you,

it'll be like having you
come for a permanent visit.

‐May I please finish
my dinner first?
‐Of course.

But be in my office
first thing in the morning.

And wear your best smiles.

He'll probably wear mine.

Excuse me.

Hey, that's my pillow.

Yes, and these are my eyes,
which your light is in.

I need this light
to read my book.

Well, you wouldn't
if you read it
during the daytime.

During the daytime,
I was busy chasing socks.

Pierce, daytime
is for talking.

‐Night time is for sleeping.
‐Forget it.

Look, we're over here
fighting for democracy.

All those in favor of turning
out the light say "aye."

‐Aye!
‐Aye!

Sorry, the polls
closed at sundown.

I will turn off this light
when and only when

I get to the end of
this book.

Very well, Pierce.

You are now at the
end of your book.

Good night.

Just a minute!

Morning, Captain.
Going to a sock hop?

(laughing)

Subtle, but unamusing.

Uh, Captain,

your friends over there
wanted me to tell you

that there's an empty
seat over there.

That's fine by me.
I'm in better company alone.

You're guys are
really on the outs, huh?

Do you have any idea
how tough it is to live

in the same shoe box with a
couple of irrational jackasses?

Yeah, I know. They
were just complaining

how tough it is
to live with one.

What a rotten thing to say.

Listen, maybe I have a
solution for you.

‐What?
‐A friend of mine,
Sergeant Caruso‐‐

he's been renting a hut
behind Rosie's,

strictly for
entertainment purposes.

Anyway, he's shipping out.

And he needs somebody
to take over the rent.

‐You interested?
‐I don't know.

Moving out of the Swamp
seems a little drastic.

I was thinking
more along the lines of
a m*rder‐su1c1de thing.

Well, it's up to you.

If you change your mind,
let me know.

You'll be the first.

Okay, everybody.
Big smiles for Mildred.

Can't you fellas in the back
close ranks a bit?

We can.
We choose not to.

Colonel, I want to be
in another row.

‐I want to be in
another painting.
‐Will you three stop it?

‐You're behaving
like 5‐year‐olds.
‐Are not.

Ten‐hut!
Close ranks.

That's more like it.

Now stay happy till I
tell you to stop.

Be sure to get Hawkeye's
socks in the picture.

He doesn't like to go
anywhere without them.

You're gonna need very light
paint for B. J.'s fingers.

‐(yawning)
‐Uh, Winchester...

Mildred doesn't care anything
about looking at your tonsils.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I can't imagine
why I'm so tired,

unless it has something
to do with being

kept awake
half the night.

This jerk tore my book apart.

Because this jerk was reading
till 2:00 in the morning.

You're all acting like jerks.

You stay out of this, Father.
You live alone.

Just like you, Pierce,
to pick on a priest.

Oh, shut up.
You live alone too.

Can't we just be quiet
and get this over with?

ALL: So do you!

B.J.: This creep
threw a light in my face.

How can the colonel paint
with this racket?

Imagine trying
to sleep through this.

You destroyed my book,
fascist!

Enough, enough!

I don't know what's
gotten into you Swamp rats,

but you're ruining
this picture for everybody.

Now, I want you all to get
out of here right now.

But, Colonel, what about
the gift for Mrs. Potter?

Don't worry, Padre.
I ain't gonna
disappoint Mildred.

Come hell or
high blood pressure,

I'm gonna get
that thing done.

Now I don't wanna waste
any more time on you people.

I can't work like this. Shoo!

I think
you will like it here.

It's exquisite.

Oh, this front door.

Also back door.

Which is good. I hate to carry
around a lot of keys.

Take good look around.

Ah, there's nothing like
the smell of new‐mown floor.

You no like?

Well, it's not exactly
the Plaza,

but let me ask you,

‐does anybody else live here?
‐No.

‐Sold.
‐Okay, that be $8.00 a month.

I bring lease tomorrow.

And remember,
no pets or loud parties.

Don't worry.
I'm a party of one.

Thank you.

(laughing)

Well, let's see.
What shall I do first?

I think maybe I'll put
my things away in my room.

Put that there.
Put that there.

Put this over here.

Unless anybody objects.
Oh, good. Thank you.

Put this over here.

Ah, a walk‐in closet.

This here.

♪ Me and my shadow ♪

♪ Strolling down
the avenue ♪

Everybody.

♪ Me and my shadow ♪

♪ Not a soul to tell
my troubles to ♪

Is it too noisy in here
for anybody? Oh, good.

♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪

♪ We climb the stair ♪

Too‐too‐too‐too‐too.

♪ We never knock ♪

♪ 'cause nobody's there ♪

Ha ha!

Well, I think I'll just
read my book now.

Unless that'll keep
anybody awake.

That's nice.

"Harlan Escobar withdrew
one last cigarette

"from his crumpled pack

"and addressed
the assembled crowd.

"'The m*rder*r of Lizzie
Poteet,' he said,

'is in this room'."

Oh, boy. Here we go.

You're sure this light
won't bother you?

Oh, no. Your light
won't bother me at all.

Considerate of you
to ask, though.

Charles, I figure it was
the least I could do.

♪♪♪ (classical on Phonograph)

I trust my music
isn't too loud for you?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

‐Thank you for asking.
‐Not at all.

Oh, no.

Something wrong?

Oh, Peg says the electricity
went off the other day

while she was at work.

Ice cream melted all over
everything in the freezer.

She had to throw it all out.

‐Dreadful.
‐She did manage to save
the pork chops, though.

Well, thank goodness for that.

♪♪♪ (continues)

(laughs)
Oh, this is terrific.

The other day,
Peg took Erin out to eat.

So they're sitting
in this restaurant,

and Erin taps Peg on
the shoulder and says,
"Potty, Mommy?"

All by herself.
Isn't she incredible?

(chuckles)
A veritable potty prodigy.

So Peg takes Erin
to the restroom.
When they get back.

Peg's so excited,
she tells the waitress.

"Next thing you know,
the manager comes over,

brings Erin a big chocolate
milk shake to celebrate."

(laughs)

Boy, I wish I could've
been there to see that, boy.

Oh, don't you?

Don't you, though?

Oh, no.

After she went home,
Erin was still so excited,

she wet her pants.

Hunnicutt...

I really wouldn't let
one little accident

mar such a noteworthy event.

You're right, Charles.
Thank you.

Well, I guess I'll turn in.

‐Good night.
‐Good night.

♪♪♪ (continues)

Oh, uh,

would you mind turning down
the music, just a little?

Oh, by all means.

♪♪♪ (volume barely decreases)

Thank you. Thank you.

Come on, 6 of spades,
just once.

This is ridiculous.
You're not gonna b*at me again.

Where the hell is the 6?

Probably with my socks.

(muttering)

(groans)

Much better.

(humming)

"Chapter 1. Harlan Escobar
would never rest

until he found out
who k*lled Lizzie Poteet."

I knew I could find a way
to paint this g*ng

without
all the bickering.

I'm sure The Last Supper
wasn't as difficult to paint.

But then the apostles
were more civilized.

Yeah, but I'll bet even Judas
never stole anybody's socks.

I'm surprised you could
even make it at all, Pierce.

I thought you might be
busy setting up

housekeeping
at your new place.

No, that's gonna take a while.

I'll probably be picking out
swatches for weeks.

Well, don't forget,

you're there on the
"We'll see" plan.

I don't like my medics
moving to the suburbs.

Colonel, relax.

My apartment is only
15 seconds from downtown MASH.

I don't understand
all this fuss about privacy.

In jail, the worst
thing they can do

to a man is put him
in solitary.

Doesn't it
get a bit lonely there

with no one to talk to?

Are you kidding?

I took this place precisely
so I could be alone.

It's fantastic. There's nobody
there to bother me.

Why don't you come by sometime
and see for yourself?

Well, perhaps I will
drop in sometime.

‐When?
‐Uh, well, soon, I guess.

Come on, gents.
Remember me?

Eyes front.

I'll be there
all afternoon.

Are you gonna hold still,
or do I have to tie you down?

I'm a surgeon.
I'm not a mannequin.

Yes, sir. Mildred's gonna get
a real charge out of this.

She needs a little
pick‐her‐up too.

Had her hands full this
week with the grandson.

You know, the lad's just
barely out of diapers and‐‐

Colonel, I beg you.
No potty stories, please.

"Potty stories"?

I was just gonna say the boy
had his first pony ride.

Oh, of course.

Speaking of potty training,
my first cousin‐‐

We are not speaking
of potty training.

We shall never speak
of potty training

so long as I
am standing here.

Say, Major, you seem
a little touchy

on the subject of
potty training.

Could it be that you
were a member of the
rubber sheet brigade?

Don't be absurd,
Colonel Potty.

Potter.

It's not me.
Since Pierce's departure,

I've had the never‐ending
opportunity

of becoming better acquainted
with all the Hunnicutts:

Beej, Peg,
and the little wet one.

Would you
please face forward?

I just want my hair to look
nice for Mrs. Potter, sir.

She's used to
looking at my hair.

I'm sure she won't
be disappointed.

Is this okay?

Pretty as a picture.

Come on, Hunnicutt, smile.

Don't want Mildred to think
it isn't fun over here.

Sorry.

That's better.

Nothing bothering you,
is there?

Who, me?
Oh, no, no, not at all.

Everything okay between you
and your new roomie?

Charles and I are
getting along just famously.

Can't remember when
I've been so calm and relaxed.

‐I'm glad to hear it.
‐Yes, we're just fine.

We respect
each other's needs.

I go to bed
whenever I want to,

and he plays his music
whenever he wants to.

Boy, Major Winchester
sure loves

that fancy music,
doesn't he?

Don't I know it?

I'll bet he has the largest
record collection

in all of Korea,
maybe Asia...

probably the world.

You know, you'd think a guy
with that many records wouldn't

have a chance to play them all,
but he does.

It can be done if you
have your phonograph

on every minute of
every day and night.

But I like it.

I just wonder if I'm getting

what this painting is
really all about‐‐

the camaraderie, the affection
we have for each other.

Oh, I'm getting
the bodies, all right.

But I wonder
if I'm getting the souls.

Maybe I bit off
more than I can chew.

‐Uh, I have to go, sir.
‐Of course, son.

You know, you people have been
closer than kinfolk to me.

You make it almost bearable
being over here.

‐Excuse me, please, sir.
‐Surely.

So in a way,
this painting is a way

of sharing my Korean family
with my family back home.

Of course, of course.

It ain't easy telling people
how close you are to 'em

when they aren't here.

♪♪♪ (Tchaikovsky's
"Romeo and Juliet")

(knocking)

Come in, if you must.

I apologize for the
interruption, Major.

I was looking for
Captain Hunnicutt.

Why don't you try
the latrine, Father?

Lately he seems to be
fascinated by toilet habits.

Actually, as long as
we have this time alone.

We don't‐‐

There's something I'd like
to discuss with you.

Well, you're wasting
your time, Father.

The last few days have
convinced me irrevocably

that there is no God.

But won't you sit down?

Major Winchester,
may I ask,

have you perchance spoken
to Hawkeye at all today?

‐Fortunately, no.
‐Good.

I‐I mean,
I was afraid of that.

Major, just between
you and me,

Hawkeye has confided in me
that he's most unhappy

with his new
surroundings

and would very much
like to come back.

Well, uh, it's interesting

that you bring this
matter up, Father.

Because, candidly,

Hunnicutt and his
domestic tranquility

are driving me
out of my mind.

Were Pierce here,
I would have a buffer

against Hunnicutt's steady
stream of wee‐wee stories.

Therefore, if, uh, Pierce
would like to come back,

uh, I'll let him.

Major, that's a truly
Christian attitude.

But we must remember what a
proud and stubborn man he is.

His asking to come back
would be tantamount

to admitting a mistake.

However, if you were
to ask him‐‐

(laughs) Now, Father,
I too have my pride.

Of course, in my case,
it's justified.

But why should I
kowtow to him?

Well, there's a lot of truth
in what you say, Major.

And I'm sure the
potty training

won't last more
than six months.

Your point is
duly noted, Father.

‐Then you'll ask him back?
‐I shall think about it.

Well, should you find it
in your heart to do so,

then I think
it would be prudent

to keep my name out of it.

I'm sure he'd deny
ever having spoken to me

and most likely,
he wouldn't come back.

Well,
don't worry, Father.

Your confession
is safe with me.

‐Reduce the penicillin
to 20,000 units.
‐Yes, Doctor.

‐Captain Hunnicutt, could I
talk to you for a second?
‐Sure.

Sir, this is a very serious
and delicate matter.

Okay, what's up?

Well, I was walking by
the Swamp a little while ago.

And I couldn't help
overhearing Major Winchester

dictating into his
tape recorder.

Just don't tell me
he was ordering more albums.

No, it was to
his sister Honoria.

He was saying what a
big kick it is that

he's gotten Hawkeye
out of the Swamp.

Is that so?

I wouldn't want to quote
him directly or anything.

Quote him directly.

He said, "All I have to do
is keep playing my music

"and I'll drive
the other rat out,

and I'll finally have
the place to myself."

That scheming creep.

And to think
it almost worked.

Listen, you gotta promise me
not to tell him I told you,

'cause I'd be in big trouble.

And I might be forced
to do something I hate: lie.

(knock on door)

‐(knocking continues)
‐Oh, come in.

Oh, Margaret. I'm sorry.
Were you knocking long?

You know, I get
so engrossed in this book.

I'm never gonna rest easy

until I find out who
k*lled Lizzie Poteet.

Just put that aside,
Pierce.

I'm here to express
my disappointment.

I never would have
expected something

like this from you,
but I guess I was wrong.

Uh, would you mind telling me
what you're talking about?

Don't play dumb with me.

To think that you,
of all people

could turn your back
on your best friend

when he needs
you the most.

What's the matter?
Is he out of socks?

Ah, just so typical

of your callous,
non‐caring attitude.

‐This is serious.
‐Oh.

‐It's his poor little daughter.
‐Erin? What's the matter?

She has a urinary problem.

Oh, no.

Oh, poor Beej.

I didn't know. No wonder
he was acting so testy.

I can't believe
I was so stupid.

He told you and not me?

Well, he didn't
exactly tell me.

He told Charles, who told me,

in between laughing spasms

because he finds the whole
thing terribly amusing.

That callous jerk.
I'm gonna give him
a piece of my mind.

Well, that won't
solve anything.

‐I've gotta talk to Beej.
‐No! No.

I don't think
you should do that, either.

‐Why not?
‐Well, you know him.

I mean, if he knew
that you knew,

he'd be too proud
to accept your help.

He'd probably tell you I was
making the whole thing up.

Well, if I can't talk to him,
what can I do?

Just be there.

‐♪♪♪
‐(hums)

What's wrong, Hunnicutt?

Is my music
disturbing your letter
to the wife and kidneys?

Oh, not at all, Charles.

I love classical music.
It could never disturb me.

Pierce, you're back.

Hi, I hear you
got a spare bunk.

Sure. How long
you planning to stay?

Oh, just till
the end of the w*r.

Hear that, Charles?
He's back.

You must have plenty
to tell him.

Listen...

Sorry I made such a big deal
out of something so ridiculous.

Forget it.

No, I mean it.
I was a real jerk.

Well, everyone's
a jerk sometimes.
It was just your turn.

Huh, right.

‐So, uh, how you doing?
‐Fine.

Good.

Well, listen,
if you want to talk,

I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.

Hear that, Charles?
He's not going anywhere.

Thank God.

Now, this is more like it.
(chuckles)

I can't tell you
how nice it is

to see all the little dogies
back on the same trail.

These things always
seem to have a way of
working themselves out.

Well, how long
could we stay angry over
something so ridiculous?

Okay, boys and girls,
we're into the home stretch.

Now let's all be real still.

(Charles humming)

Too late, Charles.
We're not going anywhere.

What are you
talking about?

He's not talking
about anything.

Let's all be real quiet
so the colonel can finish.

Don't play dumb
with me, Charles.

You know perfectly well
what I'm talking about.

No, I'm afraid I don't,

but you're welcome
to continue,

as long as it
has nothing to do

with your daughter's
bladder.

Charles, you
insensitive crumb.

How could even you make fun
of a kid's medical problem?

What are you
talking about?

What problem?
Erin's doing fine.

That's not what I heard.

Pierce, can't you ever
keep your big mouth shut?

Now, now, Margaret.
He'll just go crying
to the priest.

‐What?
‐Ix‐nay, Major. Ix‐nay.

What do you mean
that's not what you heard?

Will you stop being
so noble already?

Margaret told me all about
Erin's kidney problem.

I didn't say anything to
Margaret about Erin's kidneys.

No, you saved it
all for me.

And you thought
it was funny.

This is terrific, Major.

You had to go and
make up some stupid lie

when I had the whole
thing under control.

You had it under control?

Who asked you to stick
in your two cents?

I'm the one who got Pierce
to move back in.

Just a minute,
you two buttinskis.

I had Winchester on the verge
of begging Pierce to come back.

(clamoring)

Uh, folks, it's all done.
It's time for the unveiling.

I don't like
being manipulated.

(all talking at once)

B.J.: Listen to this.
Listen to this.

All day long, Erin has been
asking Peg questions like

"Mommy, what you doing?
Why not take a nap?"

Finally, Peg is worn out,
and she tells Erin

"Honey, go ask Grandpa
that question."

Get this. Erin turns back
to Peg and says,

"What's a question?"

‐Oh, yeah.
‐Don't you love it?

Boy, that's quite a kid.

Oh, I haven't got to
the best part yet.

For dinner,
Peg made string beans

and Erin took all
hers off her plate,

and lined them up and said,

"Mommy, lookee.
Erin make bean string."

(volume increases)

♪♪♪ (theme)