10x21 - That Darn Kid

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

KLINGER: Is this
stuff for sale,

or are ya just takin'
your knickknacks for a walk?

Everything for sale.
Give up farm.

‐Must move south to city.
‐Hey, look, it's
a Fuller junk man.

Do you have anything
in a dishonorable discharge,

size 40 regular?

KLINGER: Hey, is this
goat for sale?

Yes. Need money for city.

Besides, it's so hard to find
an apartment that'll take kids.

‐How much?
‐Goat very valuable.

Twenty‐five dollars.

Could either of you
guys loan me $25?

‐What, are you crazy?
‐Hey...

this is an investment
in dairy futures.

You realize what people
around here would
pay for fresh milk?

Come on. Tomorrow's payday.
Twenty‐five bucks for 24 hours.

All right, I'll let you have
15, but I get the first glass.

I'll go 10
for seconds.

Here you go.
Come to papa.

(chuckles) I'm gonna milk
you for all you're worth.

Come on, baby.
Come on.

This is gonna be a fantastic
business arrangement.

Good mornin', boys.
How're you doin', Pierce?

‐Just fine, Colonel.
‐I get the feeling...

you haven't read the bulletin
board the last few days.

I'm waiting for
the movie to come out.
Now, how do you know?

'Cause you haven't come
screaming to me.

‐Why would I come
screaming to you?
‐Because there's a notice

that says it's your turn
to be paymaster.

‐I don't wanna be paymaster!
‐That's more like it.

Aw, come on. I've already
done that once this w*r.

I like a man with experience.

Hawk, old buddy,
can I have a raise?

Very funny. I got
better things to do

than go to I‐Corps
at the cr*ck of dawn

and then spend the rest
of the day doling out

money to a pack of
drooling soldiers.

And I got better things
to do than stand here
and argue with you.

See you tomorrow,
doughboy.

That does it.

When this w*r is over,
I'm going home.

Uh, Colonel...

Well, what have we here?
Woolworth on wheels.

Actually, some of
this stuff's not so bad.

I think Peg might
like this vase.

‐How much is this?
‐Five dollars.

‐Here, hold this, will ya?
‐Yes...

Five dollars, huh?
Oh, I've only got three.

Well, if that's all
you've got...

I'll give you 10 for it.

Ten beats three anytime.
You got it.

Well, thanks a lot, Charles.

Oh, dear. I, uh... I seem to
be temporarily out of cash.

I'll gladly pay you
the 10 tomorrow.

Must leave today.
Three dollars in hand
beats your $10.

Uh, would it be worth
staying a day for, say, $50?

‐Fifty?
‐Okay.

Fifty dollar
buys you one day.

Very well.
See you on the morrow.

And thank you.

Charles, what the hell is this?
You saw that I wanted that vase.

Nothing personal, Hunnicutt.
I just think it's, uh, cute.

Fresh milk here. Spend your
fresh money on fresh milk.

Why take a powder when
you can get the real thing?

Next. Name.

Captain Pierce.

Not my name.
Your name, Rizzo.

If you know my name,
what'd you ask me for?

(sighs) All right.
Rizzo. Rizzo.

Come on, Pierce!
Do you work at being slow?

‐Yeah, this is taking forever.
‐(clamoring)

All right! All right. All right.
I'm doing the best I can.

‐"Rizzo, Sergeant Luther."
‐Mm‐hmm. Yeah.

‐162. Here.
‐Mm‐hmm.

‐Count that back to me.
‐(muttering)

(clears throat)
Five.

Ten.

Fresh milk!
Fresh milk!

Spend your fresh money
on fresh milk.

Hold on.
(clears throat)

‐Five. Ten.
‐(helicopters arriving)

MAN (on P. A.): Attention.
Attention, all personnel.

Wounded coming in.

‐Time to start
earning that big money.
‐That's it!

Everybody who hasn't
got your money,
reassemble here after O. R.

Sign that. Klinger,
put that in the safe.

‐Five. Ten.
‐Excuse me.

‐Okay.
‐Hi, there.

Is this table all right?
Or would you prefer

something a little closer
to the piano bar?

I hope you're a good doctor.

Hey, don't worry about a thing.

When I was in med school,
I was always first in my class.

Of course, I lived
right next door.

Klinger, I'll need
another unit of whole blood.

‐Right away, sir.
‐Klinger, did you put
the money in the safe?

I didn't wanna bother
the colonel in triage.

He's the only one who
knows the combination.

And no one's gonna find out.
It's Mildred's measurements.

But don't worry, sir.
I locked all that money
in a safe place.

All the flights to
Rio were booked, huh?

Metz, please.
Thank you, Margaret.

You're doing
your usual fine job.

That's the third compliment
you've given me today, Major.

As a matter of fact,
that's the third compliment
you've ever given me.

Well, I must try to
remedy that in the future.

Well, if it's money you want,
I haven't been paid yet.

(laughs)

Money is hardly
a problem for me.

An elective course I once
took in Oriental art

is about to pay
for itself 50‐fold.

Thank you.
(laughs)

Now I have to
pass out money

when all I really
wanna do is pass out.

All you need, sir,
is a quick pick‐me‐up.
How about a milk shake?

Or just a nice, fresh,

moderately priced
glass of Grade A...

‐(rustling)
‐Oh, my God!

(Hawkeye laughing)

Your milk machine
is having a snack.

Ah, keep laughing.
I put the money in there.

What? If that goat so much
as slobbered on that money...

‐What money?
‐You idiot!

How could you let that
goat just walk around free?

I think the walking
around was her idea.

What was she
doing in here?

If I'd left her outside,
everybody'd just walk up
and milk her.

‐What am I gonna
tell the colonel?
‐Just tell him the truth.

Wonderful. "Colonel Potter,
a goat ate the payroll."

‐I don't believe it!
‐I give you Exhibit A.

Sir, please don't send her
to the glue factory!

‐She didn't know
what she was doing.
‐But you should've.

Any fool knows
a goat eats everything.

‐Almost any fool.
‐How many people haven't
been paid besides me?

Most of them. I was
just getting started

when we got called to triage.

‐So what happens now?
‐Well, I'm a little
rusty on procedures

for when the payroll
has been eaten by a goat.

Klinger, call I‐Corps
and check into it.

‐Yes, sir.
‐So, meanwhile, what
am I supposed to tell

‐all those people who are
still expecting to be paid?
‐Just tell 'em the truth.

What in the world
are you talking about?

I don't want to hear anymore
of your fairy stories!

I knew you'd understand.

I don't wanna hear about goats.

I wanna hear about when
we're getting our money.

And it had better be
before the end of the day!

That's being looked
into right now.
And I bet you

I‐Corps has that money
here first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow doesn't
buy me beans.

(clamoring)

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, look.
W‐W‐Wait a minute.

Why don't we all
have a drink on me?

MARGARET: Oh, where did
you get the money to buy
us all drinks?

‐(murmuring)
‐Well...

by a quirk of fate,
I was the first one paid.

‐What a coincidence!
‐(clamoring resumes)

Come on. Folks, why don't we
all talk about it over drinks?

Igor, set 'em up.

Sorry, Captain, but there's
hardly anything left.

I was waiting for payday
to collect the tabs

so I could buy
the new shipment.

(groaning, clamoring)

All right,
I'll tell you what.

Let's all go over
to my place

and we'll have something
from the still.

Free booze for everybody
who promises not to use me
as a swizzle stick.

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Hello, my friend.
You're right on time.

‐Did you bring
my little purchase?
‐First, money.

Yes, of course.
Of course. Naturally.

‐There you are.
‐What's this?

‐This my personal check.
‐I want money.

‐You promised me 50 dollar.
‐This is better than money.

Naturally,
I have identifications.

You should have no trouble
at all cashing that

at your neighborhood
liquor store.

I'm sorry.
I want real cash.

I go find man
with three bucks.

I must have
that vase. W...

Ju... Just give me
a little more time.

(clears throat)
Forty.

Forty‐five.
Fifty.

‐(clears throat) Fifty...
‐Wait right here.

‐(chuckles) Rizzo, it, uh...
‐Hmm?

It would appear
that you've been paid.

And it would appear
that you wasn't.

Now let's see.
Now where was I...

Forty‐five. Fifty.

Rizzo, I wonder if you
would consider making me a...

A loan? Oh, gee,
I never thought of it.

‐All I need is...
‐Is 50. Here you go.

Of course, I will
have to charge you
simple interest.

Yes, of course, fine.
Now, what could that be?
Uh, four percent?

‐Five?
‐Hmm, well... (chuckles)

A little more
simple than that.
A hundred percent.

‐One hundred percent?
‐Per day.

Uh, that way I don't have
to do no 'rithmetic.

I see you have cash.
Maybe you like to buy vase.

No! It's a deal.
It's a deal.

See, now everybody's happy.
(laughs)

You... clumsy oaf!

Will you watch
where you're falling?

Pierce, what're all
these people doing in here?

Some are drinking.
Some are passing out.

But none of them
are k*lling me.

You... dolt! Will you
watch what you're doing?

‐Hey, no fans allowed
on the field.
‐(chuckles)

You are sitting
on my footlocker,

and it's time
for the kickoff.

‐b*at it!
‐Sure, Major.

Pierce, I demand that you
drive your drinking buddies

back to the gutter
where they belong.

Sorry, Charles.
I'm too drunk to drive.

Okay, everybody, listen up!

I've got great news.
You're free to go.

‐Well, it's about time.
‐Thank you.

‐Thank you.
Everybody, step right...
‐Wait a minute.

‐What're you doing?
These are my guests‐s‐s.
‐Sorry...

but your half of
the still is empty,
and my half just closed.

Come on, Goldman.
Hit the road. Here you go.

Night.
Hey! Hey!

Come on. Come on.
What's the matter?

Don't you have a bunk of
your own to sleep under?

Do us all a favor.
Pick up some mints
on the way home.

Alone at last.

Whew! This must be the tent
that made Milwaukee famous.

‐Anything new
on the payroll?
‐Yep.

‐It's gonna be held
up a while longer.
‐Aw, come on, Colonel.

I can't keep these
people drunk forever.

Seems I‐Corps wants to
send an investigator to
look into the details.

Great. Maybe we can all
borrow 10 bucks from him.

No, you won't need to.
I made arrangements
to get supplemental pay

to tide folks over until
the new payroll is issued.

Good. Now I can send
a certain

Louisiana loan shark
back to the bayou.

Pierce, you're now
supplemental paymaster.

Tomorrow you'll
distribute the money

in descending order of rank.

‐That means colonels first.
‐Wait, wait, wait.
One more thing.

Just suppose for some strange,
incomprehensible reason

the investigator doesn't believe
that a goat ate the payroll.

That's no problem.
It's all covered
in the m*llitary regs.

‐Yeah?
‐You'll just have to
pay Uncle Sam $22,000.

I don't believe it.

Believe me,
you're the first.

Major, I know this is
quite a chunk to swallow,

but this man and I
have been through a lot.

And I can vouch for
his honesty and integrity.

I've got General Detweiler
breathing down my neck

about a report
that's really important.

I've worked on it
for quite some time

and have to turn it in

no later than
the day after tomorrow.

And now I get sidetracked
by some ridiculous goat story.

I plan to wrap this
business up quickly...

so I can meet my deadline
and keep the general off
my back.

Well, we all wanna get
this settled P. D. Q., Major.

Pierce, I'm holding
in my hand a voucher

releasing $24,312 to you.

Is this your signature?

Uh, yes.
But, uh...

You have issued
$1,972 in pay

leaving a grand total of
$22,340 unaccounted for.

Now where's the money?

‐I told you. A goat ate it.
‐A goat.

‐A goat.
‐A goat.

Just when you think
you've heard them all.

That's even better than
"I left it in my other t*nk."

It's not only entertaining,
it's also true.

‐I did not steal the money.
‐I don't care if you stole it
or you lost it.

You signed for the money,
and the money isn't here.

You owe the army $22,000.

Either you come up with it,

or the army will
garnishee your wages

through this tour and
even into civilian life

until every red cent
is paid back.

You gotta be kidding.

I don't
have time to kid.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a report to get
back to.

‐Uh... Oh...
‐Hold it, Major.

It seems to me you're putting
the noose before the gavel.

Let me ask you something.
What would've happened

if this money, say,
had been lost in a fire?

Well, we would know that
it's out of circulation,

and we'd replace it
with new scrip.

And Pierce would be
off the hook?

‐What's the point of this?
‐The point is,

if money can be b*rned,
it can be swallowed.

And if you call
yourself an investigator,

you ought to
investigate that.

Yeah, right.
Thank you, Colonel.

That's all I ask.

All right. All right,
I'll investigate.

Pierce, you're
my first witness.

Do you have any proof
the goat ate the money?

HAWKEYE (on P. A.):
And so I beg of you,
if there's anybody in camp...

who actually saw
the goat eat the money,
please come forward now!

Oh, really?

How about anybody
who heard munching?

Okay, is there anybody out there
who's seen a goat...

wearing expensive clothes
and planning a nice vacation?

‐Cap'n Pierce!
‐Hallelujah! I'm saved!

‐Let's go tell the
investigator right now.
‐Tell him what, sir?

‐That you saw the goat
eat the money.
‐Well, uh, no, sir.

I ain't seen a goat
since, uh...

since me and Zola took
little Billy Bubba to the
U‐Pet‐Em in Bossier City.

‐Then what are you doing here?
‐Fighting for democracy.

‐No, in this room.
‐Oh.

‐Oh, you mean here here.
‐Yeah.

Oh, well...
(laughs)

Uh, seein' as you're about 500
months behind in your monthly
payments...

I thought I might "hep" you
consolidate your debts into
one very friendly loan.

Uh, as a starter, I am
willing to offer you...

$100 with simple interest.

‐What good's $100 gonna do me?
‐Oh, well...

Uh, I thought a savvy man
like yourself...

might just wave that $100
under the nose of that
investigator...

and let him catch
a good whiff of it.

Rizzo, I don't need to bribe
anybody. I'm innocent!

Okay! Okay!

Just remember,
prisons are full of honest men!

Twenty, forty, fifty.

‐Next.
‐Wait a minute.
Where's the rest of it?

That's it. This is
just supplemental pay.

Everybody gets $50
to tide them over.

Until when? Time is money.

Don't ask me.
I'm just the teller. Next!

The man said "next," Major.

Hello, Major.
I believe...

you have something there
that is of interest to me.

Rizzo, I owe you $50,
uh, don't I?

Uh...
Now we're even.

Uh, beg...
beg your pardon, sir...

but bein' on the dole
has made you forgetful.

This is just the interest.

You still owe me
the original 50.

Unless you got it today,
I'll see you tomorrow
for another $50 interest.

Now, ain't
that interestin'?

But I don't know when
I'm gonna be paid.

This could run into
"hunerds" of dollars.

Oh, you have my
deepest sympathy, Major.

And you'll have
it again tomorrow
about this same time.

Uh, Father, I couldn't
help noticing

you've got $50 there.

Oh, how observant of you.

Right. Since you are a
compassionate man of God

one of your prime duties is
to give comfort to the needy.

Major, are you putting
the bite on me?

Please, Father,
if I don't pay

this Bayou bloodsucker
his $50 today,

he's gonna bleed me dry.

I'd love to help you out, Major,
but what little money I have,

and it's really not enough,
is earmarked for the orphanage.

They'll never miss it.
They're used to being poor.

But it's a real
hardship for me.

May God help you, Major,
because I won't.

Excuse me, Father.
Bein' a sentimental soul,

I was touched by
the orphans' predicament,
and I'd like to "hep."

Rizzo, why, that's
very generous of you.

I could let ya have
a "hunerd" dollars

at my special, God‐fearin'
rate of 75%% .

Ugh.

Uh, Igor,
you have a belt

for a fellow who's
down on his luck?

Sorry, Major, the only thing
I got left is an old case
of grape Nehi.

Nobody drinks it
since Radar shipped out.

Very well. Put it in
a brandy snifter, will you?

Sure thing, pal.

‐Where did you get this?
‐From some peddler
for two bits.

If you like it, I'm sure
you could get another one.

He's got a whole
cart full.

‐A... A cart full?
‐Yeah.

It's great for
holdin' tips.

Tip. Hey, wait, you owe
me for the grape Nehi!

Maybe I'm blowing this
all out of proportion.

Maybe Van Zandt will
interview a few people,

find out what a
terrific guy I am,

realize how ridiculous
the whole thing is,
and let me off the hook.

‐You're probably right.
‐Yeah.

And maybe I'll flap my arms
and fly to the moon.

Ah, here's
the bank d*ck now.

I can tell he's got good news
by the sneer on his face.

All right, Colonel.

I talked to
everybody in camp.

The only one who knows
anything about the goat

eating the money is
your company clerk here.

And all he can say is that
Pierce handed him a satchel.

Sorry, Captain, the truth
just slipped out.

I'll be informing I‐Corps
that in my judgment,

Benjamin Franklin Pierce
owes the United States Army

in excess of $22,000

to be garnisheed
from his m*llitary

and subsequent civilian wages.

Boy, talk about
a G.I. Bill.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta finish

the report for
the general tonight.

Well, that's Van Zandt's
idea of justice.

A man is innocent
until railroaded.

Men, these are
desperate times,

and desperate times call
for desperate measures.

Oh, great idea.
We'll bombard them
with cliches.

I got an even better one.

"You can catch a lot of flies
with a little bit of honey."

Hmm.

‐(knocking)
‐Come in.

Sorry to interrupt you, sir,
but you're wanted on the phone.

‐I'm busy. Who is it?
‐It's General Detweiler's aide.

Something about that
report you're working on.

Oh, that man won't
even let me breathe.

I'd get the damn thing finished
if he'd only let me alone.

All right. All right.
Let's go.

You come right
in here, Sergeant.

You sit in that
chair right over there

and you make
yourself comfortable.

‐Well, thank you, sir.
‐Of course, of course.

There you are.
Now, a‐are you comfy?

‐Uh, yes, sir, I think so.
‐Uh, would you like
some cognac?

No, thanks.
I ain't hungry.

Now, Luther...

I've brought you here
to discuss an offer

that you would be a fool,
as it were, not to accept.

‐Oh, yeah?
‐I've given it
a lot of thought

and have come to the conclusion
that in exchange

for canceling my debt

I am prepared
to part with this.

‐What do I want
with a pitcher?
‐Well, Sergeant...

this pitcher is
an incredibly valuable

and treasured vase
from the Celadon Dynasty.

Oh!

I don't care if
it's from the new
Sears catalog, Major.

Just how stupid
do you think I am?

An adjective fails me.
But you see, Rizzo...

No, no, no.
All I see is

is that you are
trying to get out of

payin' me the
money you owe me

which is $50.

No, no. Make that
a "hunerd" dollars.

‐Wait. No, no. Wait...
‐Mm‐mm‐mm‐mmm!

I don't want
no hard‐luck stories.

I don't want no
dime‐store spittoons.

All I want is my money.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, gee, sir...

now you ain't got
a pot to spit in.

KLINGER:
Sorry about that, sir.

I don't know how
I lost the call

but these phones
are always crazy over here.

‐Just let me know the
minute they call back.
‐Oh, yes, sir, I will.

You can count on it,
if they somehow manage
to get through.

(papers rustling)

My report!
Stop that at once!

‐Heel, heel.
‐She ate my report!

‐What's all the racket?
Is something wrong?
‐Terrible tragedy, sir.

‐She ate his report.
‐Animal!

General Detweiler will
have my head for this.

He'll never believe his
report was eaten by a goat.

‐Was it?
‐Oh, that's pretty
hard to believe.

I don't think you're gonna
get away with that story.

Oh, I get it.
You guys set me up.

Well, it's not
gonna work, Pierce.

I'm gonna see that you
get everything

you've got coming
to you and more.

Great idea. You and I can
play gin in the stockade.

It appears to me you two
can go down together
or bail each other out.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Well, if the goat
had a previous record

as a paper‐eater
which was proved by
an authorized investigator,

such as yourself,

and corroborated by a C. O.,
such as myself,

then the two of you'd
be off the hook.

So what do ya say, Van Zandt?
Do we sink or swim?

One hand whitewashes
the other. It's up to you.

Okay. Okay, you got me.

I'll clear Pierce.

But you better pray that
our paths never cross again.

I'm gonna take this goat
and show it to
General Detweiler.

Uh, just make sure
you feed her.

Yeah, that
shouldn't be too tough.

She eats just about anything.

Especially paper with
a little molasses on it.

(laughs)

It was very charitable
of Major Van Zandt
to expedite our new payroll.

Well, that's the
kind of guy he is.

I want you to know, Hawkeye

I never thought
you stole the money.

Of course, some people consider
me to be rather naive.

Oh, thank you, Father.
You darn me with faint praise.

120. 140. 150.
There. Finished.

Oh, you forget
one thing, Major.
That's just the interest.

You still owe me
the original 50.

Very well.

20. 40. 50.

Wonderful. Now I'm
out of cash again.

How do you expect me
to make it through to
the end of the month?

Oh, with the "hep"
of a friend.

Hi, friend.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)