11x07 - Settling Debts

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

So the priest says,
"Oh, my gosh.

I thought it was
an altar boy."

(laughs)

Uh...

did I mention that he
had a pet collie?

No, you didn't.
Oh, dear.

It's much funnier
if you know that.

Maybe.

Good morning.
I bring you samples

of what the welldressed stamp
is wearing this year.

Mulcahy. From Marvin's
House of Mirth.

Aha. This must be my
Joe Miller jokebook.

Too late.
You watch it, Colonel.

This book is loaded
with snappy comebacks.

Colonel,
here's one for you.

What about that other one?

What other one?

Saw one in there

with Mildred's
handwriting on it.

She always uses
that old fountain pen

that makes everything look
like it was written by a monk.

There it is!
This is for Captain Pierce.

Pierce? It's got
a Hannibal postmark.

It's even the stationery
Mildred bought

at the Sisters of Mercy
tag sale last summer.

Let me see that.

Sorry, sir. Not unless
you've got some I. D.

that says
you're Captain Pierce.

Uh, Colonel.

A couple guys here
want to meet you.

Colonel, Lieutenant Pavelich
of rear echelon security.

This is Sergeant Lally.

What brings you boys
to our duchy?

Well, sir, we've had reports
of infiltrators in this sector,

so we'll be patrolling
the Kwantu Pass

for several days.

You can never have
too many cops on the b*at.

Why don't you
stop by my office?

We'll go over your map.

There are a couple
of roads up there

that could send a young jeep
to a retirement home.

Well,
I'd appreciate it, sir.

You look pretty young
yourself.

How long have you
had that bar?

Two months, sir.
Holy Joe,

what are you doin'
this close to the front?

Don't they usually
start you boys off

in the kid gloves
battalion?

Well, they offered me
a desk job in Paris, sir

but I asked to go someplace

where I could
get my hands dirty.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, Sergeant,

what do you think
the men would say

to a nice hot meal?
Great idea, sir.

Might be the last one
we get for a while.

Follow me, Lieutenant.

That guy turned down
a job in Paris?

I'd give my Left Bank
to go there.

He's no spoiled kid.
Mmm.

Most of these hotshots
come up barkin' orders.

Not this kid.
He takes good care of us.

We take good care of him.

Come on already!
It's not every day

you get a letter
from the boss' wife.

What does she say?
I'm reading as fast as I can.

The last time I saw
handwriting like this
was on my diploma.

It would go faster
if you move your lips.

Oh, how about that?
She scrimped and saved

and paid off the mortgage
on their home

six months early.
(chuckles)

"I've been setting aside
my egg money each month.

"One day I checked
the bankbook,

"and lo and behold,

I had enough to buy
the whole henhouse."

Ha ha! That's definitely
Mrs. Potter.

"I'm enclosing the mortgage

"and would like you

"and everyone
who's close to Sherman

to give him a surprise
mortgageburning party."

Aw.
Huh?

"I'm sorry I can't be there
to celebrate with you,

"but tell Sherman

"that while you're
burning the mortgage,

I'll burn the free calendar
the bank sent us."

Ha ha ha ha!
So when's the fire?

Well, listen, you know,
it's gonna take a while.

We gotta find a caterer
and make the place cards.

Pierce.

Did you get a letter
from my missus?

Well, uh, I don't know.

I got a letter
from a Mildred Potter.

There's only one
in Hannibal

who writes like a monk.

Now look,
if something's wrong,

I want to know about it.

Oh, no, no. There's
nothing wrong at all.

As a matter of fact,
you're gonna like it.

Really? Now there's
two total strangers

sharing secrets
with my wife.

And I'm supposed
to be tickled pink?

All right. I'll tell you
what she said.

She said,
"Don't tell Sherman."

And she outranks us
by marriage.

Okay, okay. I can see

I'm not gonna
get anywhere here

without truth serum.

If you fellas don't
want to tell me,

there's nothing I can do.

So I'll be shoving off.

We better have this party
today before it kills him.

Oh, here.

(mumbles)

There you go, Father.
Oh. Thank you.

Here's two more.
Mmhmm.

Okay. How much
did we take in, Father?

Twentyseven dollars.
Oh.

Oh! That's the most I've ever
raised in one collection.

Okay. You buy the present,
I'll buy the booze.

I think a party with a theme
would be really cute.

Must we? Can't we just hand
the poor man the mortgage,

let him ignite it,
and go on about our business?

There's an exciting
theme: Apathy.

What time
shouldn't we be here?

Aw, come on, Major.

Didn't your folks
do something special

when they got
their first house?

Yes. Yes, they did.
They fired the entire staff.

How about this?
The Potters bought
their house in the '30s.

Suppose we all dress up
like Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers?

Oh, why not dress up
like stockbrokers

and all jump
out of the window?

I've got it!

Let's give the party
in the colonel's tent,

and the theme will be
"Home away from home."

That's not bad.
For decoration,

we could make a little
white picket fence.

Of course
it won't be complete

without a pink flamingo
on the lawn.

Congratulations.

B.J. and Charles are
the fixup committee.

Oh, can't we just
hire a decorator?

We're gonna have
to keep Colonel Potter

out of his tent
until they're through.

I'll handle that.
No offense, Major.

That's gonna require
sneakiness and dishonesty,

so I'll be
your technical adviser.

Fine. You two are the
distractions committee.

Wait a minute.
If we're gonna be

decorating
the colonel's tent

and they're keeping
him away from it,

we're gonna need
a gobetween.

I'm good at that.

It's sort of what I
do for a living.

Okay. We've all got
our assignments.

We'll reconvene
at 1800 hours.

Remember ahem
The fate of the free world

rests in your hands.
Oh, who cares?

We will now leave one by one

according to order
of departure.

(whispering)
He doesn't take
anything seriously.

Father, would you mind
hanging on to the mortgage?

I think it might
be safer in here.
Why?

Hey! A surprise
inspection?

Oh, uh, hello, fellas.

Uh, Pierce...
(nervous laugh)

I was just looking
for those toenail clippers

I lent you last month.
Starting to slice my sheets.

You wouldn't lend me
the clippers.

Oh, I guess that's why
you didn't return them.

Colonel,
it's not in there.

What isn't?
Then where is it?

Where's what?

Don't toy with me!

Hunnicutt, how would you feel

if Pierce here got
a letter from Peg?

Ha! Don't be silly.

Why would Peg write Hawkeye?
Yeah.

By the way, she says hello.
Aha.

You guys are gonna
drive me buggy.
All right.

Look, just for the sake
of your sanity,

I'll tell you this much.

Mildred
wants to surprise you.

Surprise me?
Yeah.

It ain't my birthday.
That was last month.

It ain't our anniversary.
That's Groundhog Day.

I picked it
so I'd never forget.

Relax.
You're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said

when she put the leopard skin
seat covers on the Hudson.

Never felt safe
getting in that car

without a whip and a chair.

Yeah, well, maybe she
missed out on that one,

but this is
bigger and better.

Bigger? Better?

Answer me this.

Does it have anything to do

with where I'm gonna be living
out my retirement years?

Yes.
No.

You boys wanna
confer for a bit?

Work out one lie between you?

No, actually,
we can stand by either lie.

Well, it doesn't
make any difference.

I know what it is.

She's gone ahead and bought
the damn houseboat!

The what?
I told her,

I don't wanna
move to Florida.

Six months in that sun,

and I'll be
a walking liver spot!

Colonel, it's not
And above all,

I don't wanna
live on the water.

Nobody over the age of 60
should go to scuba school!

Colonel, believe me,
it is not a houseboat!

We'll just see about that!

Well, at least we don't
have to buy him a present.

We've already given him
apoplexy.

(typing,
typewriter bell dings)

Klinger?
Was that the phone ringing?

Sorry, sir. That was just
the bell on my typewriter.

Damn.
Why is it taking so long

to get a reply
to one lousy telegram?

Sir, when the phones
to the States go out,

everyone sends telegrams.

And asking the bank
if your wife bought a boat

isn't top priority
in the Army.

Would be in the Navy.
(phone rings)

This could be it, sir. Hello?

MASH 4077. This is he.

It took you long enough.
I know you've got a telegram.

Read it to me!

Thank you very much!

(grunts)

Bad news, sir?

She bought the damn boat!

Go ahead, sir.
Get it out of your system!

Don't do that, sir!

You'll never
forgive yourself.

It's lucky for you
he was here.

Colonel, you're blowing
this out of proportion.

The hell I am.

My bank says
she withdrew 800

of my hardearned dollars
this month.

That means only one thing:

she bought the damn boat!

You don't know that.
It could be something else.

Of course it could.

She could have
hired a mermaid

to come in once a week
and clean up.

Well, I'm not gonna
let her get away with it!

Where are you going, sir?
I'm going back to my tent.

I've got a letter
to write to my exwife.

You can't go
back to your tent.

Why can't I?

I get so lonely
without you.

Out of my way, Sergeant.

Oh, Colonel.
I'm so glad I found you.

Well, you're about
to lose me.

He's going
back to his tent.

You can't go
back to your tent.

This'll only take a minute.

You know all the difficulty
we're having

rotating our nurses properly?
No.

Well, I've worked out
a solution.

Can't we do this later?

It'll only take a minute.

As you can see,
I'm designating any nurse

who works in the O.R.
for one day as an O.R.1.

If there's two days,
then she's an O.R.2.

The same thing
with the lab,

except they'll be
designated as L1 and L2.

However, by the third day,

I have found that the average
nurse becomes bored,

lackadaisical,
and totally disinterested.

Therefore, under no
circumstances

will there ever be
an O.R.3 or an L3.

Am I going too fast for you?

Stop moving.
It's gonna be crooked.

Oh, sorry, boss.
You know how hard it is

to find skilled labor
during wartime.

Mmhmm.
Okay. What do you think?

B.J.: Oh!
You're wasted in medicine.

Your real talent is
painting chocolate boxes.

Ha ha. Nn!

Ooh! I'm sorry, Major.

I didn't see you down there.

And you never will again.

Well, here's the cake.

Oh, it's great!
No, no, no.

In keeping with the motif,

I made it in
the shape of a house.

I wonder if I should
go get the colonel now.

I just passed by his office,

and although Major Houlihan

is keeping him busy
with Plan A,

it is obvious he's getting
ants in his pants.

We don't have
the booze yet.

Give us 10 minutes,
Father. Come on.

Boy, this is so exciting.

Many's the time I've surprised
someone in their tent,

but never a man.

Hey, doc.

What's up, guys?
sn*pers on a dinner break?

Wish they were.
Lieutenant's been hit.

It's nothing serious.

I think it's just
a flesh wound.

Uh. Well,
I can't see much here.

We'll get you inside
and shed some light on it.

Want some help?

No. Looks like
"See Spot run" medicine.

Anything I can do?

Yeah. Stick your head
in that door

and holler
for a corpsman.

Tell him to bring a board.
Yes, sir.

Go ahead
and get the booze.

I'll catch up to you
in about 15 minutes.

And hold that party
till I get there.

I have to.
You're the only one

who looks good
in your lampshade.

Looks like you should've
taken that desk job in Paris.

French sn*pers
use champagne corks.

Doc, I didn't want
to say somethin'

in front of the corporal,

but when I got into this jeep,

I didn't think
it was all that serious.

But now I can't move my legs.

So the P.O.1s will
then become the L1s,

and the L. Z. s
will become the O.R.1s,

thus eliminating
the dreaded 3s!

I look ridiculous
in a cabana suit.

Sir?
Dreaded 3s!

I'm with you, Margaret.

Uh, sir, if you would
review these figures.

If you insist, Major.

Uh, now, Colonel, so that
you understand everything,

why don't I review
the entire plan?

There's no need for that,
Margaret. I like it.

Like what?

This rotation scheme
of yours: O.R.1, O.R.2.

86 the dreaded 3s.
Good piece of thinking.

It is?
Type it up,

have it on my desk
by morning,

and I'll post it
in the afternoon.

Ah.
Now if you'll excuse me,

I've gotta go to my tent
and get out my poison pen.

Oh, no. You can't.

I mean,
you can't post that yet.

It's just in the rough.

Well, smooth it out.
I trust you.

Uh, very well, sir.

Colonel, you're in luck.

Somehow I've gotten
patched through

to the operator
in Hannibal.

Oh, goody.

Mildred's gonna get it now.

Hello.

Hello? Hello!
(static)

NASAL FEMALE VOICE:
Hello?

Is this Colonel
Sherman T. Potter?

Speaking! And could you
talk a little louder?

I can barely hear you

with all this static
on the line.

This is the operator
in Hannibal, Missouri.

I will attempt to dial
your call now.

Will you please hold the wire?

(exhales)

Isn't B. J. back yet?

I believe he's still
out in the yard

whitewashing
Becky Thatcher.

Oh, dear. Klinger
and Major Houlihan

are halfway
through Plan B.

We can't keep stalling
the colonel forever.

Gentlemen, I realize

that anticipation
is half the fun

(vehicle approaches)

but I've already had
more than my share.

If it's all
the same to you,

I'm going to start making
whoopee a cappella.

MAN: We need a doctor here.

I'll get it, Charles.

You're having too good a time.

Oh, boy.

We got our sn*per.

How's Lieutenant
Pavelich?

He was holding his own
when he came in.

If you're gonna
be in the neighborhood,
you can pay him a visit.

All right.
This isn't too serious.

Let's get him inside.
Can I have a litter here?

How long will you be, Hawkeye?

Just a few minutes.
Don't start without me.

Oh, dear. We better start
cooking up a Plan C.

Get him prepped
and put him in the O. R.

We're just gonna take a little
pressure off that cord.

Okay, doc.

Lieutenant.
What?

What are you guys doing here?

Huh, is the food that good?

We got the guy
that winged you.

All's fair in love and w*r.

How you feelin'?

Hey, great.

Huh, I haven't had this much
rest since I shipped in.

Hey.

I thought this was just
"See Spot run" medicine.

I was wrong.

There's pressure
on the spinal cord.

He can't move his legs.

Captains, if this is
about the lieutenant,

we would like to know
what's going on.

Yeah, well, uh, we just
have to do a little surgery.

For what?
He said he feels fine.

Yeah, well,
sometimes it's a good idea

to get a second opinion.

Doc, this doesn't add up.

Something's wrong
with that kid,

and I want to know.

Chances are
he's gonna be fine,

but right now he's lost
function in his legs.

He's paralyzed?

No, not necessarily.

It might
just be cord shock,

which could go away
in a couple of hours.

But what if it
doesn't go away?

Just take it easy.
We'll keep you posted.

Sit tight.

I don't know about you guys,

but if the lieuy
can't walk again,

I'm gonna k*ll
that damn Commie.

I'm sorry, sir.

The line is still busy.

Still busy?
Of course it's still busy.

She's yakkin'
to Portia Nelson in Florida.

Probably picking out the
furniture for the poop deck.

Would you like
to hold the wire,

and I'll place the call
again in a few minutes?

Lady, a few more
of your few minutes,

and I'm gonna need a shave.

I'm doing the best
I can, sir.

Do you want me
to place the call?

Yes!

And what is the name of the
party you were calling?

Mildred blessed Potter!

Klinger, this operator
is a mental midget.

Slow as a summertime
hound dog,

and she's got the voice
of a rusty chain saw.

Now you get on the horn
with her,

and if by some miracle

she stumbles onto Mildred
Potter, you let me know.

Very good, sir.
What are you doing here?

Ah. I wanted to type up
the new system,

so I came in
for some carbon paper.

Mine's all crumpled.
Fine, fine.

BOTH: Where are you going?
To my tent.

You can't.

Klinger, you won't
be lonely now.

Major Houlihan is here.

I've gotta go try to relax.

Sir, you can't relax now.
Why not?

Because...

it's not good for you.

At a time like this,
you need to release

some of that anger
and frustration

by doing something physical.
Like what?

I know just the thing.

"So, after the man
had confessed

"to a healthy number
of indiscretions,

"the priest finally said,

"'My son,
you're not confessing.

You're bragging'."

"You're not confessing"

You see,
what the parishioner
was supposed to

Yeah, I get
I get it, Father.

I just don't like it.

What's taking so long?

Where's Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt?

Amazing as it may seem,

they have
torn themselves away

from this bucolic
bacchanalia

in order
to tend to patients.

Is it anything serious?

No, no. They said
they'd be right back.

Of course,
that was some time ago.

You're kidding.
We're down to Plan C,

and there's no D.

I better go see
what's keeping 'em.

Oh.

Hey! Look at this, Major.

They got a whole section
called "At the Hospital."

(groans)

Lieutenant. How ya doing?

I wouldn't try
talking to him just now.

He's busy being unconscious.

Oh, B. J., I

Oh, my goodness.
I didn't realize.

It's all right, Father.
We're taking him to postop.

Can you hang on
for a few more minutes?

Well, I'll try,
but it won't be easy.

How's the
lieutenant, doc?

He's doin' okay.
Is he gonna walk again?

I was able to take the
pressure off his spinal cord,

and there's no visible
sign of any damage.

Is he gonna walk?

Look, Sergeant,
it's a little early for

Doctor, is the lieutenant
gonna walk again or not?

The best medical opinion
I can give you is he might.

That's all? He might?

It's a lot better
than he won't.

Contrary
to popular opinion,
we're not gods.

We find out
about the future

the same way
everybody else does.

I see. Nurse, move
away from the chair.

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

My job.

If the lieutenant
can't walk out of here,

neither does he.

Are you That's m*rder!

If I'd have had better
aim the first time,

then that wouldn't
have been m*rder.

This is a w*r, isn't it?
Not in here.

My lieutenant's paralyzed,

and you're protecting
the guy that did it.

Now who's the enemy
here anyway?

Sergeant,
put away your g*n.

k*lling him isn't gonna
help me walk again.

Put away your g*n.

Don't make me pull rank.

(g*n uncocks)

You do everything
you can for him.

(punching bag bouncing)

How's Plan C going?

Look for yourself.

Nice try, Margaret,
but it ain't workin'.

Oh.

Now I'm angry and sweaty.
Aw.

I'm going to my tent
and towel down.

Uh, no, sir, wait.

Before you do that,

I just had
another thought

about my nurses'
rotation plan.

Rotate it!
Uh,

but, Colonel,
the operator said

that call could
come through any minute.

Then you get in there
and sit on that phone.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I am going into my tent,

which is, after all, my home.

The only one I have
that doesn't float.

ALL: Surprise!

Surprise what?
Surprise this!

You are the proud owner
of your own house.

And not the one
with an anchor.

My mortgage. This is
what Mildred sent you?

HAWKEYE: Well,
I guess the cat's
out of the bag now.

"Paid in full"?

How on earth did she
do it six months early?

I believe she wrote
in her letter

that she saved
the egg money.

Well, I'll be.
(glasses clink)

And to think I got nervous

when Mildred opened a charge
account at the pharmacy.

(all laughing)

Look at what you folks did.
Yeah.

Almost like the real thing.

We wanted it to look just
like the Potter house.

Well, to tell the truth,
it doesn't.

(all laughing)

Mildred's been after me
for years

to build one of them.

But I like a fence
that you can sit on

without getting
a perforated carcass.

(clicks tongue)
If you don't b*at all.

Colonel, on behalf
of those of us assembled

(mumbles)

...and those of us
who are falling apart,

we'd like to present you
with a little something

to keep the home fires
burning.

It's also suitable
for cigars, cigarettes,

and tax returns.

Oh, gosh. Thanks.
It's lovely.

It was all Mildred's idea.

That sweet petunia.

You know, she was the one

who wanted to buy a home
in the first place.

I said, "What for?
There's some fine housing

for rent right here
on the base."

But she said she was tired
of livin' like a gypsy.

Wanted a place where she
could put a nail in a wall

anywhere
she damn well liked.

Well...
(smacks lips)

it took 20 years ahem

but we got it.

Thanks, Mildred.

If anyone says

there's a sweeter woman
in the world,

I wouldn't believe 'em
for a minute.

That is the most
beautiful thing

I have ever heard
in my life.

(cheering)

POTTER: Oh.

Well, Colonel, good night.

And congra mm tulations.

Oh. Thank you, Margaret.
Thanks for everything.

What do you say we do this
again in 20 years?

Okay.
Let's make it 19.

That's when mine's
paid off.

Unless you got
a letter from Peg.

(laughs)

Good night, fellas.

Oh, here's
what I did wrong.

I forgot to mention

that when the woman
walked into the bar,

she had a duck on her head.
(laughs)

Ah, now it all falls
into place.

Kinda cute, isn't it?

Yeah. Good night, Padre.
Good night.

Good night, sir.
Oh, Klinger,

first thing tomorrow,
place a call to Mildred.

A real one this time.
Consider it dialed, sir.

Good night, son.
Good night.

♪♪♪ (theme)