11x14 - Give and Take

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

‐Uh‐huh.
‐Mm‐hmm.

Hmm.

‐Good morning.
‐Welcome home, Colonel.

‐How was Seoul?
‐I trust your staff meeting

was as scintillating as usual.

It was. As least that's what
they told me when I woke up.

Well,
it looks like I got back

just in time
to punch the time clock.

‐How bad is it?
‐The w*r's having a slow day.

They're prepping a few G. I. s
and one North Korean soldier.

With any luck, we'll be through
in time to skip lunch.

Well, well,
the prodigal colonel returns.

Howdy, Winchester.
How did it go yesterday?

Well, compared to this,
it was quite pleasant.

Absolutely nothing
happened.

Absolutely nothing?
Wasn't yesterday payday?

Oh, yeah, now that you
mention it, I was paid,

if you can call that
pittance a highlight.

What about the assignment
I gave you

to be charity collection
officer?

Oh, that.

Well, I was so worn out from
counting my enormous salary

that it plumb slipped my mind.

‐Slipped your mind?
‐Now, now, Colonel

there's no need to get
into a tizzy about this.

I can take care of everything
tonight at dinnertime.

All I have to do is invert
a helmet on the table

with a sign saying "Charity.
Please contribute."

You'd have about as much luck

as putting a sign
next to the oven

saying, "Hot stove.
Please stand on it."

Sir, the pith of your
homespun analogy eludes me.

Why do you think I wanted
you to do it on payday?

The best time to squeeze
any money out of a soldier

is while he's still got it
in the palm of his grimy hand.

Now your job will be
10 times harder.

Just the idea of pleading
for alms seems so gauche.

Nobody likes
to go hat in hand,
even for a good cause.

But we all have to
take our turn.

This month you got
the short straw.

All right, all right.

I suppose I can lower myself,
badger a few soldiers,

and get a couple
of token contributions.

We do not accept any tokens.

General Crenshaw is demanding
100% participation

in this charity drive.

And before my butt
winds up in a sling,

I'll put yours in a cast.

Sir, I do think
that someone else,

anyone else, might be
better suited for this task.

Not a chance. You're perfect.

You don't have to worry about
ruining any close friendships.

‐Colonel
‐Remember,

10 bucks per officer,

three per enlisted man.

I want it collected, counted,
and delivered to my desk

by 2100 hours Tuesday.

Got the picture?

Cheese.

(chatter)

Traction.

B.J.: Stamp him "Fragile"
and get him into post‐op.

‐How's the North Korean?
‐Touch and go.

He's given a whole new meaning
to the term "lead poisoning."

Hi. Happy to help.
We're taking a survey.

Where did you hear
about us?

Here's the X‐ray, Doctor.

That doesn't look too bad.

Just a scalp laceration.

‐Is he gonna live?
‐Who?

‐The gook.
‐I don't know about the gook.

The North Korean's
in bad shape.

Yeah? Good. I sh*t him.

‐Is that right?
‐Yeah, w‐we were ambushed.

While we were diving for cover,
my helmet came off.

The next thing I know,

a b*llet grazed my head
and knocked me out.

Later, while I was coming to

I felt something
pulling on my feet.

‐What was it?
‐That bastard.

He must have thought
I was dead

and was trying
to steal my boots.

And the fool was in such
a hurry to get 'em off,

he laid his r*fle down.

Before he knew I was awake,

I grabbed it and‐‐
(imitates g*nsh*t)‐‐

let him have it.

Congratulations.

Guess he won't be trying
that again so soon.

No, I guess he won't.

CHARLES: Lieutenant,
will you close for me here?

‐MARGARET: Major.
‐Ah, Margaret. Ahem.

Margaret, have I ever told you
how much I admire you?

Never.

Well,
it's high time I did.

Yes, indeed.
You, Margaret,

possess a quality of warmth
and, uh, compassion

that touches me to the quick.

‐Bull.
‐You're also quite articulate.

‐And have I told you‐‐
‐What do you want?

You know that I am charity
collection officer?

Oh, well, you should've seen
me yesterday. It was payday.

No, no, Margaret,
my expectations of you

are on a far grander
scale than that.

One that a warm, selfless
person such as yourself

‐would find rewarding
and fulfilling.
‐(laughing)

I wouldn't do
that weenie job again

if you boiled me in oil.

Weenie though it be,

perhaps I can apply
some mustard

to make the whole thing
a little more palatable.

What would it take
to get you to do it?

‐Are you trying to bribe me?
‐Am I succeeding?

Elizabeth Barrett Browning,
Sonnets from the Portuguese.

I think they're the most
beautiful words ever written.

(chuckling)
You're serious, aren't you?

You have a copy, and I
would love to have it.

Margaret, you know
it's my policy
never to lend books.

No book, no charity.

Then again, uh,
rules are made to be‐‐

‐Broken?
‐Broken, yes,

especially when it
comes to lending drivel.

Major, I'd be glad
to contribute,

but I just spent
my last few dollars
to get my laundry done.

Everybody's got an excuse.

Okay, I'll hit Baker up.
Where is she?

Uh, well,
she's busy right now.

‐What's she doing?
‐My laundry.

She needs every cent
she can lay her hands on.

Get him on that bed
over there.

Can we get that door
closed right away, please?

‐Easy.
‐Kellye,

keep‐‐ keep an eye
on his vital signs.

‐If there's any
problem, call me.
‐Hey.

Since when do they put
the enemy in with us?

Well, it was either that
or have him stuffed

and put over the mantelpiece.

‐(knock on door)
‐Yeah?

Margaret. What brings you
to my humble hovel?

Uh, I've gotta talk to you.

Talk.

‐Louder.
‐(chuckles)

B. J., you're
such a nice guy.

You're always making
people feel at ease.

That's why you haven't got
an enemy in the world.

‐Except Earl Flagen.
‐Who?

The kid I defeated for
the marble championship
of the second grade.

You're also kind.

I took that little twerp
apart.

And gentle, always
willing to help a friend.

That's what I like
about you, Margaret.

You always get right
to the point, eventually.

What do you want?

I thought you might enjoy
being charity officer for me.

‐(laughs)
‐Oh, you'd be so good at it.

‐Oh, yeah?
‐Well, yeah.

You've got
such a great smile.

Not liking you is like
not liking a collie.

What am I supposed to do,
sit up and beg?

Come on, B. J.,
it's for charity.

Well, you know
what they say, Margaret:

one paw washes the other.

Well, I always intended
to make it worth your while.

‐Yeah?
‐Yeah.

How about darning my socks?

‐Darn your socks? That's it?
‐That's it.

Of course! Oh,
what's a pair of socks?

Oh, you're kidding.

(mumuring)

Can't you do something
about this guy?

He's keeping me awake.

Lieutenant.

He's got a fever.

Must be secondary infection
from the frostbite.

‐I think we should change
the dressing on his feet.
‐Right, Major.

He's got frostbite?

Yeah, real bad. He could
lose some of his toes.

The soles of his shoes
were worn through.

He had cloth wrapped
around his feet.

‐It's okay. It's
gonna be all right.
‐Oh.

Well, here.
Give him this.

‐Thanks. That's very nice.
‐(whining)

Anything to shut him up.

(chatter)

(grumbling)

Igor, old buddy.

How are you?

Not so great.

Oh, that's too bad.

You know what would
make you feel better?

Doing a good deed,
like contributing‐‐

I don't believe it!

A straight flush!

Huh?

There I was,

with aces full over eights.

A dream hand, right?
I can't lose.

So what happens?
The dumb jerk sees my bet,

draws three cards,
and hits a straight flush.

I lost every cent
I had to my name.

Aw, gee, that's tough.

I can't believe
how lucky that Rizzo is.

Hey, doc, could you maybe

let me have five bucks
till payday?

Rizzo, my man.
How's it going?

Oh, great, doc, great.

You're looking
at one Cajun

that loves the whole
wide world today.

‐Oh, yeah?
‐I mean it.

Today is Luther Rizzo Day.

I just won me a small
fortune playing poker.

(laughing)

I made a three‐card draw
to a straight flush.

Well, it couldn't have
happened to a nicer guy.

That's true.

You know, Rizzo,

when fate smiles on me,
I always make it a practice

to pass on some
of the good fortune.

To give something back,
you know? To help others.

Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

Good, good.

Absolutely. In the Bayou,

legend has it
that a selfish man

will be possessed
by demon bats

and never get no sleep

till he does some good deed
and mends his ways.

I'm glad to hear you say that

because I'm the guy that can
save you from those bats.

It just so happens
I'm charity officer‐‐

That's why I just sent home
every cent that I just won.

‐You what?
‐Yeah.

I made me
one of those money orders

and shipped my jackpot
straight to Zola

and my pride and joy
little Billy Bubba.

‐Oh.
‐Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I wrote to Zola what to do
with all that loot too.

I said, "Zola,

"Billy Bubba is too old to be
walking around without shoes,

"and you are too young to be
walking around without teeth.

And if there's anything
left over, pay the rent."

I know it hurts.
Just try to rest.

‐Hey.
‐Yeah.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, sure. What's up?

Remember the time
Charles was sleeping

and you painted the fluorescent
8 ball on his head?

Yeah. He gave off such
a soft glow in the dark.

And you remember he said
he'd shave your head bald

if he could prove
that you did it?

So you made me
promise not to tell?

‐Sure, why?
‐I'm gonna tell.

You swore on your
grandmother's grave.

She's still alive.
But you won't be

unless you take over
as charity officer for me.

Oh, I see. I see.
Beej, come on. Blackmail?

Whatever made you think
I'd submit to that?

It's so low and unprincipled.

And if you tell Charles
I painted his head,

I'll tell the colonel
about that time you were
dying to go fishing

‐and there was no jeep
available.
‐Oh, come on.

He still thinks Sophie
just wandered off for the day.

‐So you're gonna hit
below the belt, huh?
‐Mm‐hmm.

You know that nurse
from the 8063rd

that you're supposed
to be meeting in Seoul
next weekend?

Yeah?

How do you think
the weekend will go

after she's seen a photo
of your wife and child?

‐What?
‐Peg and Erin Pierce.

"My darling, we miss you

"and can't wait
for you to come home.

Love, Peg and Erin."

Beautiful woman,
beautiful child.

You have a lovely family.

‐You wouldn't.
‐(laughs)

All right, gentlemen.

The Lebanese chocolate
fairy has arrived.

Present sweet tooth.

If you're not allowed
to eat 'em now,

save 'em for later.

How soon do you think
I can get out of here, sir?

Oh, I'd say tomorrow.
What's your hurry?

Let's just say
I don't like hospitals.

You know something?
Neither do I.

Here you go. This is
American chocolate bar.

This is number one.
Tastes great.

Mm.

And some of those
carrots, please.

Thank you.

Oh, Lieutenant Armstrong,
please, let me.

You might strain
something important.

Here. This‐‐
This way, please.

Oh, here's a nice table
right over here.

Here, let me get
this bench for you.

(chuckles)
Well, Hawkeye,

‐you're so much
the gentleman today.
‐Oh, thank you.

But every other day
you're an incorrigible lech.

Why the change?

Excellent question.

Lieutenant Armstrong,
may I be frank?

I doubt it.

If the truth be known...

I'm smitten with you.

(chuckling)
Oh, since when?

Since forever, but it's
taken me this long

to summon up
the courage to tell you.

Today, my dear, is ours.

We'll share a lovely walk
through the motor pool

and then a romantic dinner
for two at "Chez Stockroom."

Well, actually,
that sounds kind of nice.

All this, including
transportation, can be yours

for a measly $10 contribution
to charity.

(laughing)

What's so‐‐
What's so funny?

You want me to pay
to go out with you?

Remember, my sweet,
it's tax deductible.

Oh, that's rich. You must
really think you're something.

(laughing)

Well, I am good
at making people laugh.

Look, Romeo, I've got
a boyfriend in the commandos.

He looks like Errol Flynn
and has muscles out to here.

If I told him what
you just tried to pull,

he'd rip you apart
like a wishbone.

That does it.

‐I'm breaking our date.
‐(laughing)

‐And don't call me again.
‐Okay.

(sighs)

What's your problem?

You don't want
to hear about it.

Try me.

The colonel said I could
have a three‐day pass

if I got caught up
on all my paperwork.

I did everything but catalog
the new medicine.

I'll never get that done.

I'd give anything
for that pass.

He's shocky. Could be
internal hemorrhaging.

‐You'd better get
Pierce right away.
‐Right, Major.

(whining)

‐Is he in bad shape?
‐Very.

‐(water running)
‐CHARLES: No, no!

For the last time,
will you get out of here?

Who needs you,
you coldhearted vulture?

There's plenty
of decent, generous,

dry people around here.

(chattering)

Attention! Attention!

All you decent,
generous people

I have an announcement
to make.

You know, I'm really lucky
to be in on the ground floor

of something really
big and important.

And so are you.

'Cause here's a chance

to fill yourself
full of fulfillment.

(shouting)

MAN: Fulfill this!

‐HAWKEYE: Sponge.
‐Sponge.

‐Again.
‐Sponge.

Give me that.

All right, that takes care
of that bleeder.

I have the feeling I'm gonna
have to find plenty more.

He's oozing from everywhere.

Yes, my son.
I can see this dilemma

has caused you deep
and heartfelt grief.

Then you'll take this charity
job from me, Father?

‐Well...
‐You have to, Father.

I'll do anything.

I'll put you in
for a medal of honor.

I can do it.
I've got the forms.

Klinger, you know
I'm not interested in glory.

Okay, okay. I'll repent.

No booze, no gambling,
no wom‐‐

Well,
no booze and gambling.

‐Klinger, please.
‐All right, all right.

I'll go to services
every Sunday.

The Bibles.
I'll dust 'em for you.

Klinger, shut up already.
I'll do it.

You mean I convinced you?

You didn't have to.

Collecting money
is right up my alley.

In fact, we had a course
in the seminary

at putting the bite
on parishioners.

Oh, thank you, Father.
You're a prince among priests.

Listen,
about those promises.

I just got this bottle
of ouzo.

You may have a drink.

Well, I was gonna drink it
at this floating crap game.

That's your decision.

On Sunday morning.

Well, it's a shame you won't
be able to make the game.

And by the way, there's no
drinking in church.

Blood pressure's
60 over zero.

HAWKEYE: His pulse,
if you can call it that,
is 120 and thready.

Nothing. It's over.

Okay, ready? Lift.

‐Good morning, Igor.
‐Hiya, Father.

Why the Sunday
duds on Tuesday?

Well, you see, I'm the new
charity collections officer,

and I need all the help
I can get.

Save your sales pitch, Father.
I gave at the card game.

A full house.
I had a full house.

All right, Igor, I'll let you
off the hook, but nobody else.

I'm going to stand at the end
of the serving line

and solicit everyone
who passes through.

In my working clothes,

who could possibly
turn me down?

Hey, that's not
a bad idea, Father.

You're a pretty shrewd cookie.

Well, I do believe
people are essentially good,

but sometimes you have to
put 'em in a half nelson

to get them to cough up.

Okay, Father,
I'll tell you what.

I'll kick in the first
three bucks for you.

Why, that's wonderful, Igor.
Bless you.

I thought you said you lost
all your money in a card game.

Well, I did.
But every month,

I set aside three dollars
for the orphanage.

I need the deduction.

Wait a minute.

You mean that money was
earmarked for my children?

Hey, Father, a G. I.'s dough
only goes so far.

If you want people to give
to the charity drive,

it's gonna cut into
your orphanage fund.

But that's not fair.

I've never seen a man
write so much.

You really must miss
the wife and kid.

Very funny.

Klinger never told me

how much there was
to this stupid cataloging.

Not only do you
have to count it all,

you have to alphabetize it,

put it in the order
of the amount on hand,

and then cross‐reference it.

Gentlemen, my serenity
is being disturbed.

That's what you get
for being such a pushover.

Never trade a favor
for a favor

when you can stoop
to blackmail.

(chuckles)
What a pity.

If you gentlemen
handled your affairs

as efficiently
as I handled mine,

you, too, would be
looking forward

to a day of rest
and relaxation.

‐Quiet, will you? Quiet.
‐Hi, Father.

(record stops)

Winchester,
you are a dirty stinker!

Put that ba‐‐ What?

Don't listen to him,
Charles.

Nobody takes
the word of a priest.

I've been doing a little
investigation,

and I have found out
that this belongs to you.

Ah, the charity ledger. Well,
it did belong to me, Father,

but it's long since
passed from my hands.

Well, it's back.

Major, it is a very low
and unscrupulous person

who abdicates
the opportunity

to do good work
for his fellow man.

Tell me, are you
such a person?

Certainly not.
Every Christmas I give
two dollars to the postman.

My, my, you certainly
do give till it hurts.

What do you expect, Father?
He's the kind of person

who'd give a drowning man
a glass of water.

All right then, Winchester.
Here's what it comes down to.

This job has been
passed on to me,

and I'm not going to do it.

So when General Crenshaw
gets this empty ledger back,

he's not going to feel
so charitable,

not to mention Colonel Potter.

And the man
they're going to hang

is the man whose name is
on the assignment sheet,

and guess who that is.

You'll be busted so low,

you'll be saying
"Yes, sir" to Klinger.

Gentlemen...

have you ever considered
that there are people

less fortunate
than yourselves?

People who need
your financial assistance?

People...

such as me.

Shh!

You might have a slight
headache for a day or two,

but don't let it
bother you.

Thank you, sir.
You've treated me real good.

I'm sorry to have
to be of service.

For a guy who was so fired up
to get out of here,

you don't seem very happy.

Oh, I'm okay.

All right, if you say so.

Here you go.

Something wrong, son?

My boots. That's all he
wanted was my lousy boots.

His feet were freezing.

I'd have done the same thing.

He was just a guy like me.

And I sh*t him
and k*lled him...

for a pair of boots.

You know, sometimes I think
there should be a rule of w*r

saying you have to see someone
up close and get to know him

before it's okay to sh**t him.

How can I wear these again?

How can I ever put on
a pair of shoes

without thinking of that guy?

Sorry, son.

I know how much it hurts,
but...

I'm only a doctor.

Some wounds
I just can't treat.

Well, Major.
Right on time. I like that.

Sir, my mission of mercy
has been accomplished.

Should you decide
to assign me this task again,

I would like
three days' notice

so that I'll have time
to desert.

It couldn't have been
too big a pain in the heinie.

You got money from everyone.

Oh, come to think of it,
except me.

I want to kick in
my fair share.

Wait a minute.
My name's checked off too.

What's going on here?
I didn't give you any money.

Trying to raise money
around here

is like trying to raise
the Titanic with tweezers.

So, I, uh,
paid for everybody.

However, I will take your $10.
I could use a loan till payday.

Thank you.

♪♪♪ (theme)