03x05 - Masquerade

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Another Period

I'm leaving Bellacourt.

You are the head butler now.

We are brother and sister!

- It's over, Frederick.
- No.

You're a useless, unlovable,
vile, tacky little thing.

- [SCREAMING]
- [BODY THUDS]

[CRYING]

[SPRIGHTLY MUSIC]

What is it?

It's... a cone

of iced cream!

It's just in from Paris.

Oh, I get it. Your tongue is the spoon.

[CRUNCHING]

Thank you.

They've arrived! They've arrived!

The invitation to Celery Savoy Bellacourt's

masquerade ball have arrived.

Ooh! Maybe I'll wear

Cleopatra's menstrual napkins as a mask.

New and used.

I wanna wear Blanche's skin as a mask.

Peepers, will you get my face scissors?

My face is not removable.

Yes, uh, Miss Beatrice, might I remind you

I am Garfield, and I
am the head butler now?

We call all our butlers Peepers.

Yes. It's easier than
remembering a new name.

Yes, of course.

We're opening our own envelopes now?

What are we, co-miners?

I can't wait to seduce Colonel
Beauregard Trimbald at the ball.

"Kernel"? Is he a man or is he a corn?

He's the Toilet King of
Tallahassee, and he's available.

How do you even eat this?

[HUFFS]

"Cordially not invited"?

Why wouldn't Celery invite us?

Don't tell me she's still
mad because I impaled her sister

crotch-first at last year's

Winter Wonderland Reindeer Roasting Ball.

- People change!
- It's true.

I once saw a person change from being

"not on fire" to "on fire."

It was because of me.

Um, if you're not going to
the ball, could we stop now?

We are going to that ball.

[CRUNCH]

Blanche, you got ice cream on my mask!

♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪

♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪

♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪

♪ "Another Period" ♪

In a surprising turn of events,

turns out life outside Bellacourt Manor

can be deeply relaxing.

No, Shenandoah,

the proper technique for making acorn mush

is with a loose wrist.

Let your wrist flow like a bounding elk.

Hmm? Oh! [CHUCKLES] Me?

No, yes, I've been

the head butler for two weeks now, and...

[CHUCKLES] It's been quite... relaxing.

- Garfield!
- Yes?

We have an emergency!

We ran out of cacao for the ganache,

and Miss Beatrice is holding
her breath until we get more.

Where is the swan fat?

Oh, you know Lady Dodo will only eat birds

if they're fried in the fat of other birds.

Garfield! Where's the g*dd*mn lamé

for Frederick's golden shoulder pads?

A week ago, I requested
French rolling pins.

French! These break off
in a sphincter immediately!

- Don't smell that!
- We need answers.

Garfield!

Weren't you just saying that there's cacao

hidden behind the turnips
in the root cellar?

Yes! Uh, that's what I always say!

And weren't you also saying

to give Lady Dodo an absinthe lollipop

until we can slaughter
and render the swans?

And the lamé is in the lamé closet,

between the silver and the ivory.

Uh, I... don't really
give a sh*t about that.

And Dr. Goldberg mustn't be allowed

access to any long tools.

Yes, that's... right!
That's what I was saying.

Back to work, everyone!

Oh, Flobelle, Flobelle. Um...

I just wanted to thank you
for helping me slightly,

in a very small way.

We make a good team, Garfield.

Yes. Team Garfield.

Well, back to work! Scoot along, let's go!

That's a good girl.

[ELECTRONIC WALTZ MUSIC]

♪

Can you please stop what you're doing

so we can discuss your
mission for the night?

To be the queen of the dance floor!

No, to form a political alliance

with Colonel Trimbald.

He's the most powerful member

of the National Restroom Association.

The N.R.A. You know, "Big Toilet."

Stop dancing.

I need you to stop.

You're still dancing.

I am not dancing. I stopped.

I mean, you're moving.
Your... your head is moving.

I'm listening, that's how I... fine.

- Just... thank you.
- Fine.

Thank you.

If you can win his...

I was trying to put my hat on.

If we can win his support,

our coffers will be positively overflowing

with toilet money for
your presidential campaign.

I'm running for president?

[SWELLING WALTZ MUSIC]

Oh, fantastic!

♪

Sorry, Celery, but it's going to take

more than clear, explicit instructions

to stay away from a party
to keep me from a party.

There's nothing I hate
more than the hierarchy

between the have-everythings

and the have-everythings
but-an-invitation.

It does look like a nice party, though.

Now I see why we weren't invited.

We have to get in there!

Why don't we go through
the servants' entrance?

- That seems easy.
- Might also be easy

for me to cut my body into a hundred pieces

and ship it to the party
via the Pony Express

but I'm not going to do
that, because, much like

entering the servants'
entrance, that would k*ll me!

I'll meet you inside.

Servants' entrance. Ah!

[LIBRETTO FROM "THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO"]

♪

Yes, yes!

Wonderful humor, wonderful! [CHUCKLES]

Colonel Trimbald!

I'm so delighted you could make it.

Oh, is that Endive Savoy-Sweetzer?

You know my sister, Celery.

- Charmed.
- Yes.

How's business, Colonel?

Well, I have to tip my
cap to the Supreme Court

for upholding segregation.

It's been great for business.

It's double the toilets,

and the black ones don't even need to work!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, that is fascinating.

My husband, the vice president,

has always been a huge
supporter of Big Toilet.

You'll have to meet him.

Where is Freddy?

[QUIETLY] Ooh!

Ah! I was going to eat that, madam!

So was I.

I love panda balls.

Especially in the bathtub.

- Really?
- Mm.

It's rare to meet someone who
also enjoys meals in water.

Do you also take your "hors deh-oovers"

while soaking yourself?

Is there any other way?

Well, we're very much alike.

[LAUGHS HAUGHTILY]

It's almost as if we could
complete each other's...

[TOGETHER] Thoughts from my
brain that turn into words

and, added together, become...

word piles.

[SWELLING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

Who are you?

Would you like to dance with me?

Maybe somewhere... private?

Normally, I wouldn't dance with a stranger,

but this feels like...

- Fate.
- Two gorillas.

[GRUNTING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[GLASS CRUNCHING, FABRIC TEARING]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow, butt cut! Butt cut!

I cut my butt! Ah! Ow!

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Ooh, ooh, my dress! [SQUEALS]

Ow, ow...

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

[GASPING]

Oh, I'm bleeding.

Ah, oh, butt cut.

Help!

Oh...

- What's this?
- [GASPS]

What are you doing in here?

All the young ladies are
lining up for Colonel Trimbald.

You can't miss it.

Oh, I-I-I... No,
no, m-my dress...

It's all right, virgin. Follow me.

- Ooh, ah, ah...
- Right this way.

[QUIETLY] Oh, Colonel Trimbald...

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Mm, wonderful curtsy, yes!

Oh, very nice form.

Ahem. Located another rogue virgin, sir.

Ooh, my!

[TITTERS]

Oh, ho, ho!

Colonel Trimbald doesn't want a woman.

He wants a child.

I can play that game.

Well, aren't you a vision?

This isn't my first
"sexiest curtsy" contest.

[LAUGHS] You have a
lot of spunk, don't you?

I could always use more!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Well, ladies, I want you all,

but sadly, I can only choose one of you

to dance with first, so who shall it be?

ALL: Me, me, me!

Oh, oh, oh!

It's just overwhelming. I
don't know how to decide.

You're all so perfect.

So young,

so unformed, so moldable.

Pick me! I've been trained

in both English and Continental fork use.

I can learn to sing all
of your favorite cantatas,

even the ones in the Catholic languages.

[SCOFFS] I can speak
so softly and sweetly,

you'll never even know I'm talking.

My skin is so unblemished...

[CHILDLIKE VOICE] I haven't got my period!

What?

I'm pwee-pubescent!

Oh, ho, ho, ho! You are a delight!

- [GIGGLES]
- Oh, yes!

Half of my teeth are still baby teeth.

Nice try, sweetie, but
I wasn't born yesterday.

- Or was I? [GIGGLES]
- Oh!

Oh, ho, ho, ho! A newborn!

[DELIGHTED LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

What's going on in here?

Clean the andirons!

They are clean, sir.

Flobelle made a schedule,
and we finished early.

Well, uh, rotate the soup ware.

They've been rotated and re-rotated.

Flobelle had me do it hours ago.

She's one step ahead of you, Garfield.

Funny. She makes me want to do my job.

Well, Miss Lillian and
Beatrice will be home soon.

We must prepare the post-party chamber.

It's already done. This one.

[LAUGHTER]

Flobelle, it's usually

the head butler's job to give the orders.

- Oh.
- Well, I just asked myself,

"What would Garfield do?"

And then I did it.

Oh, well, can you ask,

"Where would Garfield put the dustpans?"

Because I cannot find them anywhere.

[LIGHT WALTZ MUSIC]

And then a priest, a rabbi and a Prussian

walk into a bar.

[LAUGHTER]

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

I have to be honest with you, lady.

I just got out of a
35-year-long relationship.

So did I. I was in one
that lasted my whole life.

Wait. That ring... You're married?

Oh, yes, but she's gross. I hate her.

Can I tell you something
that I've never told anyone?

- Yes.
- One time, my pony

got an embarrassing haircut,

and it was the worst day of my life!

I am so touched that you told me that.

This is the opposite of
the worst day of my life.

- [SOFTLY EXCLAIMS]
- This is...

A pretty good day.

Well, I have a feeling it's about to get

a whole lot better.

[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY]

I could listen to you talk
about toilets all night long!

You know, we have a
saying in the toilet industry

that a good toilet is a better listener

than it is a talker.

I don't understand what that means.

It means it takes in
more than it spits out.

Ooh! I never spit out.

Oh, ho, you're a sweet
little toilet, aren't you?

You know, a lot of girls say they're 11

when they're really 15.

I would never lie to you.

If there's one thing I
can't abide by, it's liars

and women born before 1890.

Can I steal her for a moment?

Ooh, Grandma! Only for a moment, though.

As you know, it's almost past my bedtime.

[GIGGLES]

What the hell are you doing here?

I am in the middle of some very sensitive

political maneuvering.

Well, maybe you should have

thought of that before you
invited me to your party.

I didn't invite you to my party!

- Exactly!
- What is even your plan here?

I don't know if you've noticed,

but you aren't exactly the Colonel's type.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Aren't I?

The mask has to come
off eventually, Lillian.

What is your long game?

Joke's on you, Celery.
I don't have a long game.

I never think more than one step ahead.

They don't call me Lillian
"Small Picture" Bellacourt

for nothing.

[FALSETTO] Oops!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, aren't you perfect?

♪ Hey, I'm gonna make, make it, yeah, get it ♪

Now that I'm head butler,

I get to have real food once a month,

and since Flobelle has been so helpful,

I've decided to share it with her.

Savory bonbons, shrimp,
oxtail, and black pudding,

for my black pudding...

I gotta tell you, you make me hornier

than a Jew with a treasure map.

Now, Hamish.

What did we discuss about being vulgar?

I'm sorry. It just was so attractive,

seeing you take charge like that.

What else could I do,

- leave Garfield in charge?
- [LAUGHS]

I mean, the guy can barely wipe his ass.

You're right. The guy is dumb, huh?

No, no, that wasn't a euphemism.

He literally smells of fecal matter.

- [CRYING]
- Oh!

You made me spill my tray,

you dumb, fecal-matter-smelling
flour sack!

You always betray the men
that care about you, Blanche!

What are you talking about?
No one cares about me.

[SOBBING] You never pay attention

to the boys who try to be nice to you!

No one tries to be nice
to me... man or woman.

Or animal. Wait. Is someone
trying to be nice to me?

You only care about bad
boys, and I'm a good boy!

That's enough, Garfield!

I will accept any boy:
good, bad, physically abusive.

Oh, I hate you, Blanche! I hate you!

Garfield! I said that's enough!

[SOBS] I'm the one that
Mr. Peepers left in charge.

Not you, Flobelle.

I'm in charge!

The person in charge is
the person people listen to.

Look at me. Look at me!

I'm the butler now.

[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC]

[WHIMPERS]

[WAILING]

[TSK-TSK]

So seriously, does somebody want me?

I'll take you, but only
if you come as a pair,

and one of you is screaming. [LAUGHS]

Damn it! sh*t!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

That's not funny. That's not funny.

Making light of as*ault
is not funny, Hamish!

Why do you do that? I'll
tell you why you do that.

You do it because

you want people to like you

so bad that that makes you hate yourself,

so better you make them hate you

before you make them hate you.

You understand?

No, you probably don't. You know why?

Because I'm a [BLEEP] idiot! That's why!

That's what I call everybody else,

but really, I'm talking to myself.

Everyone is my mirror!

I know we just met, but...

I've never felt this kind
of connection with anyone

outside my family before.

I feel like I've known you my whole life.

Are you sure we've never met?

I never forget a face.

Or a voice.

Or that time I let that
puppy drown in my bubble bath.

[THUDDING]

[SOFT MOANING]

I need to see your face.

I need to see the face that goes with

those too-big-for-your-frame
breasts.

Let's both show our faces.

On the count of three,
let's take off our masks.

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

- Ow!
- [STRAINS]

Ow! Ow! Mine was glued on.

That was smart. I used rubber cement.

Oh, that hurt.

How will you ever find a ring small enough

for my nimble little fingers?

Oh, I've seen smaller.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Would you care for another dance, milady?

I thought you'd never ask!

[LAUGHTER]

- Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
- [SHRIEKS]

[SHOUTING]

You said you hadn't
been raspberried before!

[STAMMERS] Oh, it's my
first squirt of strawberry jam!

First period, ha!

That isn't just flow; it's heavy flow.

This is heavy flow!

I think you left this...

- [SHRIEKS]
- On the dance floor.

It wasn't my period! It was my butt cut!

- [SCOFFS]
- It wasn't gross period blood.

It was blood... it was blood from my butt.

- Oh!
- My sister was there.

She can tell you everything.
Beatrice! Beatrice!

Beatrice!

Maybe if we try really
hard, we can get them off.

- Okay. I'll pull yours.
- Okay.

One, two, three.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[DISTANTLY] Beatrice!

- What?
- What?

Oh. I have to go.

Beatrice! Someone's calling for me.

- I need you!
- Wait.

She won't stop. Trust me. I'll be back.

[STAMMERING]

[GRUNTS]

- I'll be back!
- Beatrice!

But I didn't get your name!

Not my butt hole.

I want to clarify; I
cut the side of my butt,

and that's where the blood was coming from.

It cut my butt! Oh,
well, Beatrice was there!

She saw everything. Tell them!

She was shard-ed. I saw it.

[CROWD WHISPERING]

My hymen is as intact as
the walls of Fort Sumter.

- [YELPS]
- [CROWD GASPS]

Well, your face tells a different story.

That's Lillian Bellacourt.

- She wasn't even invited!
- Lillian!

It's not your age but
your dishonesty that hurts!

But also the age; I am looking
for someone to grow old with,

not someone to bury next year!

Oh, Colonel, let's put all

this nasty business behind us.

If I can find my husband, I'm
sure he can smooth things over.

They don't call him "Hot Iron" Bellacourt

just because he's b*rned
his hands on a hot iron

nearly a hundred times.

"Bellacourt," eh?

- Yeah.
- So he's Lillian's brother?

[GIGGLES]

I'd like to shake the hand of the woman

whose husband's political career

I am going to put in the toilet.

- [GASPS]
- And not in a good way!

[STRANGLED, HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING]

Oh, you ruined everything,
just like you always do!

Lillian and Beatrice, you are un-cordially

not invited to every

Newport social function forever!

Who does she think she is?

Yeah, who does she think he is?

I wonder if she's ever coming back.

Come back, mystery lady!

[GASPS]

My ring! Where did it go?

Well, that was humiliating.

Well, no more humiliating

than anything else we've ever done.

Well, at least we ruined Celery's night,

so there's that.

- I feel funny down there.
- Hang on.

[GRUNTS]

[EXCITING MUSIC]

My Prince Charming left a clue!

Oh, I wonder who my Prince Charming is.

I guess I may never know...

I feel like I've lost a lot of blood.

Oh, beloved, where are you?

That's it, boy. That's it.

[WHIMPERS]

[GASPS] Hello, Mr. Peepers.

Garfield! What are you doing here?

I want you to come back
to Bellacourt. We need you!

Well, I do sometimes

miss the feel of a push
broom in my hand, and...

some nights...

some nights, I stand
among the maize for hours,

waiting to take anyone's coat,

but I have a new life now.

But, sir, servants are doing multiple jobs,

and because everyone is sharing,

they finish early and have
evenings to themselves.

Gasp!

Well, as much as this upsets me,

I cannot return with you.

I have a wife and children now.

She was assigned to me by the tribe.

In Iroquois, she's known
as a "rebound woman."

No!

For the first time in
my life, I feel at peace.

I am at one with myself and...

my Oheo.

Sir...

A woman has taken over as
head butler of Bellacourt!

Well, it was lovely
getting to know you, Oheo.

I must go back to Bellacourt.

You'll raise "Pretends to
be British" by yourself.

Come, boy, let's go home.

[REMIXED ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

♪

I've really been working

on this guy.

Mister *, hey Mister *

Shut up! And no, it's one step forward

two steps back. Every [BLEEP] day.

I don't give people the chance to like me.