04x02 - Big Night

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Hurry up, burrito. I'm pregnancy-hungry.
I haven't eaten in ten minutes.

Aah. Get away from that microwave.
You're nuking my baby.

-You know, I read a blog that says--
-You read a blog? No.

No, no, no. Do not read mommy blogs.

They'll just fill you
with panic and worry.

Oh, not this one.

Really? What's it called?

The Mommy Worrier.

See, she has theories
on almost every topic.

She says microwaves will prevent my child
from doing higher math.

I'm pretty sure Jimmy being the father
will prevent that.

Look, I'm doing everything
the doctor said.

I've given up alcohol, feta cheese,
and lox.

Oh, and stay away from cats.

The animal, the musical, and the deli.
The website wasn't specific.

-Just be quiet and let me eat.
-Fine, but don't gain more than 20 pounds.

Hmm, you should've mentioned that
five pounds ago.

Oh.

Wow, look at you, Deej, looking all hot
for your first date with Steve.

Wha-- Wrong.
It's, like, my millionth date with Steve.

But you're right about the hot part.

Good for you being all swaggy swag
on the most important date of your life.

I would be a nervous wreck.

Oh, you're ridiculous.
Why would I be nervous?

Steve's my best friend.

Ahem.

Male best friend.

No. I'm choking on this burrito,
but thank you.

[coughs]

Steve and I have known each other
for 25 years.

We're really excited for us
to finally happen.

Exactly. I mean, this is no longer
the fantasy of Steve and DJ.

This is your first date
since he quit his job for you.

You guys have to make
this relationship work.

You're Ste-J, America's couple.

Don't listen to her, Deej.
What you and Steve have is so romantic.

-Thank you, Kimmy.
-You broke up Steve's wedding.

You crushed Matt's heart.

Lives were destroyed,
and a goldfish was Heimliched.

It's the most beautiful story ever told.

See, Steph, it's beautiful.

No reason to be nervous.

Hey, everybody.

Steve. Hi.

Look, everybody,
it's Steve from my date.

Deej, you look beautiful. You ready?

Me...

pashmina...

get.

Wine Country. Chilly. Good idea.

-I thought we were talking like that now.
-Bye.

So, what are your plans for the big night?
They better be good.

Oh, I'm taking Deej to Wine Country.

Fancy. Wine Country.

Wine, really?

I'm allowed to say the word.

Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, wine...

Ooh, I'm a little light-headed.

So I pulled some strings, and I scored us
a table at The French Laundry.

I just have to look at
the maitre d's bunion before dessert.

-Ew.
-Ew.

Dude, no feet talk.

Okay, this is the most important date
of your life.

You know, you're starting to make
a lot of sense.

That might be the wine talking.

Pashmina. Where are you? I need you!

Hey, Mom.
Can I stay up an hour later tonight?

I need to live-tweet my favorite show -
Blue Bloods.

No. Bedtimes are non-negotiable.

And when did I give birth
to a 75-year-old man?

But it's Blue Bloods,

America's favorite police procedural,
disguised as a family drama.

Max, sorry. I said no.

Did I mention you look stunning?

Thank you.

But you still can't watch Blue Bloods.

In that case, you look fine.

Have a good evening. I won't.

You're right. I wasn't nervous enough.

But now that I'm totally paralyzed
with fear, uh,

maybe I'll treat this date
with the import that it deserves.

Okay, I'm ready.

[nervous twinge] Can't wait.

Have a great time.

You have to.

-I think we really helped them.
-[chuckles]

You know, we're great friends.

Where are you going?

All that wine made me tired.

The Fault in Our Stars is so deep.

So devastating.

Life is unfair.

I want what Hazel and Gus have.

An incurable disease?

-No.
-Tickets to the Anne Frank Museum?

No. True love.

I want commitment, devotion.

I can't do this friends-who-make-out thing
with Rocki anymore.

Hold up. A girl way out of your league
wants to make out with you

with no strings attached

and you're complaining?

Ramona, I am more than
just a piece of meat.

I get it.

Jackson's looking for a real relationship
with stability, longevity, and security.

-Is that what you have with Stephanie?
-I was thinking about my wireless plan.

Jackson, man up
and tell Rocki what you want.

If you don't ask, you're never gonna get.

-Where are you going?
-I got to change my wireless plan.

I want to see if they're still doing
that unlimited Netflix thing.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to get
what I want to.

-You're gonna talk to Rocki?
-Don't have to.

Just changed my Facebook status
to "in a relationship" with Rocki.

Bold move, considering she's way too cool
to be on Facebook.

Nobody's "too cool" for Facebook.

[cell phone pings]

Oh. Already got likes
from Pastor Tim and Grandpa.

♪ La la la, la la la la la ♪

So, uh, um...
you ever been to The French Laundry?

No, but I hear it's delicious.

[chuckles]

-They say the duck is delicious.
-Oh, yeah.

Is it getting a little hot in here?
I'm feeling a little delicious.

Are you having a stroke?

I hope so 'cause that could explain why
I keep saying the word "delicious."

Look at that bridge.
I've never taken in its beauty until now.

Yeah, 'cause that's
we haven't moved in ten minutes.

[horn honks]

Oh, man, it's got to be
backed up for miles.

Well, that just...
gives us more time for conversation.

-Yeah.
-[giggles]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

[television playing]

I know I'm gassy,
but am I moving the couch?

You are sitting way too close to the TV.

And Shark Week? Aah.

How dare you expose my baby
to all that v*olence?

It's educational.

Lady, get away from that shark
before it rips your limbs off.

No.

Aw. I wanted to see the bloody carcass.

You know what?
You've become a real wombzilla.

All right, I'm only
gonna say this once. How rude.

There she is.
My pregnant Kimberlina.

Or shall I say Pregnalina?

Oy.

Oh...

You're always your most beautiful
when you're with baby.

Yaah.

I think your daughter speaks for all of us
when she says, "Yaah."

Wait. the Mommy Worrier
says too much excitement

can raise the expectant mother's
heart rate to dangerous levels.

Well, that's why I stopped
Acapulco cliff diving.

Well, I am adding a new forbidden fruit
to the no-no list, and it is Fernando.

You cannot do this to me.

I am a fruit
that should not be forbidden.

I said forbidden.

[Steph] Forbidden!

-Hey, Ro--
-What is wrong with you, Fuller?

I don't know. You usually tell me.

Someone just Snapchatted me
a picture of your Facebook page.

Why are you telling old people
we're in a relationship?

I thought it might be cool for us
to be exclusive.

I wanna be your official boyfriend.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Why not?
I thought you liked me.

I like you fine.
I just don't wanna put a label on it.

Well... I like labels.

They soothe me.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying...

Ah... If you don't want
to be my girlfriend, then...

I have no choice
but to break up with you.

Okay.

See you, Fuller.

[cell phone pings]

Did you just unfriend me?
You're not even on Facebook.

I signed up just so I could block you.

And please tell Pastor Tim
to stop asking me to play Candy Crush.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

We're stuck in really bad traffic.
Can you hold our reserva--

-[dial tone]
-Hello? Hello?

Good luck lancing your own bunion.

The good news is, I'm suddenly not hungry.

I'm so sorry. This is not how
this date was supposed to go.

I hope this isn't a bad omen
for our relationship.

No, no, of course not.

Oh, no, is it raining frogs?

-Kidding.
-Oh.

[uneasy chuckle]

Yeah, that was funny,
now that you explained it was a joke.

-Music?
-Yes, please.

[male DJ] We'll return to
our boy-band marathon in a moment.

Oh, the valet must have changed that
from my preset -

gangster rap.

It's time for KPIL trivia.
First caller to answer wins.

Question one - what item of clothing
was named after its Scottish inventor?

The Mackintosh.

You know everything.

-Hardly. Sorry. I'll put on some music.
-No.

-No. You should call in. You could win.
-Nah.

Caller, you're on.

I called in for you.

The item of clothing?

Uh, a Mackintosh.

Correct!

Yeah. Question number two -

what is the more popular name
for the painting La Gioconda?

-The Mona Lisa.
-Right!

Who said, "I think, therefore I am"?

Sounds like Kimmy.

That would be the father
of modern philosophy - Rene Descartes.

"Je pense, donc je suis."

Okay, now you're showing off.

Keep showing off.
I love it when you speak French.

Then you'll really love it
when I speak Klingon.

Maybe just speak French.

♪ Ooh la la la-la la ♪

How could you let me make
a crucial life decision

after watching The Fault In Our Stars?

Hey, you finally showed some backbone
and demanded what you wanted.

I mean...

sure, it backfired terribly,
but stay strong.

I'm not strong.
I'm gonna beg her to take me back.

I've lived my whole life without pride.
Why start now?

No, you are not calling her.
Every time you take a stand, you cave.

It's part of my charm.

It sounds more like a lack of self-esteem
coupled with generalized anxiety.

I listen to a lot of radio therapists.

Forget the phone. I'll email Rocki.

[keyboard keys click]

[boop]

You changed the password?

-Where's the landline?
-We have a landline?

What's a landline?

Dr. Steve, that was 19 in a row.

One more, and you win
a Three Tenors tote bag.

They were the original boy band.

Final question - name the spacecraft
that set off for Jupiter in 1972.

I don't know this one.

Me neither. Wha--

I know someone who will.

-[cell phone ringtone]
-It's Rocki.

Nope, it's my phone.

Why is Rocki calling you?
You stay away from her.

It's Mom.

Hello, Mother.

Quick. What's the name of the spacecraft
that set off for Jupiter in 1972?

Oh. So you are asking something of me,

and yet, when I ask something of you,
I am rebuffed.

We don't break bedtime rules.

Then I don't know the answer.

Have we stumped you, Dr. Steve?

Hold on. Make this happen.
We need that tote bag!

Okay, fine. You can stay up
and watch Blue Bloods.

-Pioneer Ten.
-Pioneer Ten.

Uh, Pioneer Ten?

-Correct! Yeah.
-[screaming]

-Tote bag city!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm so lucky to have you
and unlimited texting.

Did you watch
The Fault in Our Stars again?

Maybe. Hold me.

Babe.

Oh, no.

If Fernando and I can't,
neither can Jimmy and Wombzilla.

[German oom-pah music playing]

What the heck is this?
You k*lled the mood.

You bet your forbidden fruity I did.

[shuts off music]

We were just hugging.

A hug is a gateway to snuggling,

and snuggling
is a gateway to canoodling.

So take a cold shower.
Watch Beauty and the Beast.

That won't work. That teapot is hot.

And don't even get me started
on Lumiere. Hoo.

Ah, it looks like someone
can't live by her own rules.

Yes, I can.

And if that's what it takes
to keep you two apart,

then it's a deal.

I'm gonna make some tea.

Ah, you're k*lling me.

-Traffic jam full of miserable people.
-Mm.

Nobody is having fun.

-I can fix that.
-[radio music playing]

-What are you doing?
-A musical number.

Wait. You can't do a musical number
without me.

♪ I could hear their voices in my ear ♪

♪ Like Steph and Kimmy
are sittin' right here ♪

♪ This is the most important date ♪

♪ And it better turn out great ♪

♪ We broke out in hives,
our heads were spinning ♪

♪ The craziness of this new beginning ♪

♪ Now we're dancing in the street ♪

♪ If I could make sense
of these two left feet ♪

♪ In this city ♪

♪ Nestled by the bay ♪

♪ If things don't go our way,
no crime ♪

-♪ That's fine ♪
-♪ Just fine ♪

♪ Even if things get crappy,
we can make them tip-tip-tappy ♪

♪ In a thunderstorm, we find the sun ♪

♪ Always ready for a date or fun ♪

♪ Back together ♪

♪ Is it so hard to believe? ♪

♪ We've got a certain joie de vivre ♪

♪ Oh, of course we do,
we're Deej and Steve ♪

♪ Back together ♪

♪ This time, it seems for real ♪

-♪ Imagine how I feel ♪
-♪ Imagine how I feel ♪

♪ Back, back, back together ♪

[horn honking]

Hey! Get out of the road, you jerks!

Wait. Did we just do a musical number?

I'm not sure, but if we didn't,
then how did I pull my hamstring?

[drivers yelling, horns honking]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[television playing]

"Donnie Wahlberg's
best work of the season."

"He's really bringing the drama to...

hashtag Blue Bloods."

Isn't Donnie Wahlberg
from New Kids on the Block

that our moms love?

This must be his dad.

Guys, get off me.

I swear, I won't go over to Rocki's
or call her.

Or call her mother.

[doorbell rings]

-Rocki!
-Aah!

Rocki, good to see ya.

I know I gave you a hard time

about your lack of style, hygiene,
general wimpiness...

Is this helping?

I haven't gotten to your haircut,
Avril Lavigne.

But underneath all of that
is a good guy

who deserves to be in a relationship
on terms that make him happy.

You remember that.

Jackson, it's Rocki!

Fuller, I didn't wanna text this to you,
I wanted to say it to your face.

Did you read that article in The Atlantic
about the return of conversation?

You don't get to dump me.
I get to dump you.

You're right. I messed up.

I'm so sorry.

Jackson?

No. I'm not sorry.

I want the relationship I deserve.

Either we're exclusive or...
we're nothing.

You don't get to say we're exclusive.
I say we're exclusive.

Wait. Are you saying we're exclusive?

Keep up, Fuller.

We're boyfriend-girlfriend?

I can't believe this worked.

-Fuller, just shut up and kiss me.
-Ah.

Yes, that's what I'm gonna do -
I'm gonna shut up and kiss you.

-Just like the lady said 'cause...
-Why are you still talking?

Waah.

Not during my Blue Bloods.

Your oversized body-concealing sweatshirt
that Stephanie made you wear

repels me.

A little.

I know you're trying to turn me off
with those mom jeans...

but it's not working.

Ah. I see you're wearing my dad's jeans.

And sitting at opposite ends
of the table.

I like what I'm not seeing.

And I like that you're not doing
what you're not seeing.

And I do not even remember
what I'm supposed to not be doing.

You know what we all should be doing

while we're not doing
what we're not doing?

Checking out the moon.

I think you'll enjoy the view.

[rock music intro playing]

♪ Sweeter than honey from a bumble bee ♪

♪ You sting me
every time I move to the b*at ♪

♪ I'm like a freight train
headed for your candy ♪

♪ Want to taste it now,
your sweet love shall be mine ♪

♪ Gonna lick it like a lollipop ♪

♪ Tastes so good, I'm never gonna stop ♪

♪ Gonna have a little,
then a little more of my fantasy ♪

♪ Yeah, it's your candy ♪

-♪ I want to... ♪
-Okay, Kimmy. You win.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Um, first...

my Kimberlina...

you wash the car.

You're right. It's filthy. Hee-hee.

[rock music continues]

What a glorious moon.

And a glorious burger.

Ah, I can't believe how nervous I was
coming into tonight.

Ah, my Fanta. I was a wreck.

But we took a terrible situation
and turned it into something great.

-Because we're good together.
-Yeah, we are.

But I still feel like
there's something missing.

Is that what you were looking for?

I think so, but just to be sure,
we should maybe do it again.

Hmm. Say it in French.

Embrasse-moi, mon amour.

Ooh-la-la.

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four.

♪ Oh ♪

[theme song playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪