02x08 - Silent Auction

[bunniefuu]

Okay, see you.

You okay? You've been here minute.

Are these all the cards that you have?

Yeah. Who's it for?

It's for my best friend.

Well, we used to be best friends.

I actually haven't
seen her in a while.

How about... "Miss you"?

Oh, I don't really miss her.

Well, I did miss her graduation.

It was Friday. She's a lawyer now.

How about "Congratulations"?

Well, that's what I was gonna get,

except it was actually
just her birthday.

So...

"Happy Birthday."

Yeah, and then she got
food poisoning at the party.

Huh.

So...

(READING)

Yeah. It'd just be nice

if there was one card
that said all that.

Hmm.

I think I understand.

You don't miss your friend,

but you miss your
friend's graduation, birthday.

And now, you're in a convenience store

looking for a card in the last minute,

because your "best friend"
is sick. Hmm?

- Exactly.
- Hmm.

(HUMS) Ah.

Here.

- Oh, that's a sympathy card.
- It's okay.

What's your friend's name?

Uh, Sandra.

- And what's your name?
- Halimah.

Hmm.

"Dear, Sandra.

"Sorry you have a friend like Halimah.

"Sincerely, Mr. Kim."

Give it to your friend.
She'll appreciate it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Umma, look.

- Signed by Jose Bautista.
- Yeah, Eddie Chan bring.

How Eddie Chan get?

He go to lots of Blue Jays games.

I go to Blue Jays game.
Never even get a rain poncho.

And Stroman bobblehead,
forget about it.

But what Eddie Chan don't have

is a beautiful wife who hide bat,

so husband is the only
one to silent bid.

(EXCLAIMS) I can't do that.

Thanks again, Mrs. Kim, for
managing all of the donations.

Yeah, it's very important
for both of us.

Have to support the church.

That's why I donated
Kim's Convenience gift basket.

Include gum and fabric softener.

Well, every little bit helps.

Pastor Nina.

- Oh, wow, that is stunning.
- Oh, this?

Thanks.

- So beautiful.
- MRS. PARK: It's gorgeous, yes.

But my conscience can't bear it.

Plus, I have several others
that are nicer.

- You're giving to auction?
- MRS. PARK: Yes.

It was a gift from Mr. Park
when he forgot our th.

Oh, I remember
those counselling sessions.

Oh, you brought it up,

so, I thought we were
just going somewhere with it.

I will be over there if you need me.

So, Mrs. Kim, where are we
putting our premium items?

Right here.

This is worth more
than a basket of cat food.

Not just cat food.

Yeah, also have
a Spice Girl trading card.

- Very popular on eBay.
- Hmm.

Try not to touch it with your hands.

Because expensive tacos
are boring now.

And they play way too much Bon Iver.

(CARD READER BEEPS)

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, thanks.

Wait, your toonie.

Oh, no, sorry, that's not mine.

I don't carry cash, like ever.

Okay.

- (DOOR BELL JINGLES)
- (DOOR CLOSES)

(SCRATCHING)

No way.

(EXCLAIMS) No way!

What "No way"?

Appa, I just won $
with a toonie I found.

You buy scratch ticket from here?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Then you right, no way.

- You not win $ .
- Yes, I did.

East Hill Variety Store is shut down

after owner keep winning.

Big scandal. So they change rule.

You work at the store,

you can't win prize from store.

So we all have to suffer
'cause of one guy?

No, not all suffer, just you. Rip up.

(SIGHS)

- Hey, what you doing?
- I'm getting my toonie back.

You find toonie in my store,
my toonie.

Sweet ride.

Yeah, people think
it's a bit of a mom car,

but it's pretty awesome.

No, I meant his.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Oh. Yeah, bit of a gas guzzler.

Plus, she's a bit late.

I thought that was for me.

SHANNON: Stop.

Jung, wait up! Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

- So, how was school?
- Good. We just finished...

I was always surprised

your dad let you go to art college.

No offence,
but where's the money in it?

There's actually lots of opportunities

for photographers.

That's what you say,
but what's the real plan?

Social assistance? Welfare?

Well, I have a job, a scholarship.

And I would've had $

if it weren't for stupid regulations.

- What do you mean?
- I won.

Holy sh*t! That's one-in-a-million.

I don't think those were the odds.

But I can't claim it
'cause of "lottery rules."

Ah, the bureaucracy.

I have to get license
for Ginger every year.

Same dog, new license, every year!

Though, I guess someone else
could go to the lotto centre

and cash this ticket for me.

Janet, say no more.

Wait, what are we talking about?

Just that if someone
went to cash it for me,

I could get the money.

Ah.

We could split it.

No. It's payment enough

that I'm sticking it to the Man.

And keeping a hopeless,
starving artist

off the streets.

Sure. (CHUCKLES)

Yes! Mmm!

Yes. Yes, sir. I totally agree.

(LAUGHS) He called it his "holy mole."

Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

Oh! Come on!

Hey, how goes it?

Oh. I got you a little
something-something.

Your leftovers?

We ordered the best chicken mole.

Alejandro called it his "holy..."

"Mole." Yeah.

So, did I miss anything?

Actually, I was hoping

you could help me
with a delicate situation.

Ooh. Club soda and a little stain
stick will get that right out.

(CHUCKLES) No. Employee situation.

Oh.

It sounds serious. What's up?

Well, somebody has been slacking off,

letting other employees do their work,

taking extended lunches.

(SIGHS) Your job is to have
the tough conversations.

Just look them straight in
the eye and say,

"Your behaviour is unacceptable."

Okay.

Your behaviour is unacceptable.

Perfect. So, who's the slacker?

Is it Marlow? She didn't
get my mole joke at all.

Oh.

I see.

I'm your boss.
I don't have to check with you

before I take a slightly longer lunch.

Two hours is not slightly.

You're timing me?

I couldn't take lunch because
I was doing my work and yours,

while you're in
a patio drinking margaritas.

They were mojitos.

And covering for me
is part of your job.

You never even say thank you.

That's what the mole is for.

I don't want your stupid mole.

Jung...

Jung, do not walk away from me.

Don't you dare go past that column.

Do not walk past those chairs.

Jung, do not walk out that door.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hi.

(GASPS) Oh. Hello.

Yeah, I leave diamond
in other limousine.

APPA: What's this?

Oh! Nothing.

Just have to keep premium
items safe for auction.

- Don't want steal.
- Hmm.

Maybe I bid on bat,
you bid on the fur coat.

- No, no, we don't need.
- I need bat.

You take a selfie of me.

I don't think you know
what "selfie" means.

Just take a picture. Here.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Yeah.

Okay, give to me. Put on coat.

- Oh, no, no.
- Put on coat.

It looks good on you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Like Marilyn Monroe.

No, look like Audrey Hepburn.

Before she care about animals.

Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Maybe we take coat on test drive, huh?

Send message to raccoon in back alley.

Hmm.

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but you forced me to write a report.

Now, I haven't sent it to HR yet

because I wanted to give you
a chance to apologize.

I'm sorry?

Oh. Thank you.

Wow. That was not
an easy conversation.

No. I mean, what am I apologizing for?

Your extended lunches?

You do realize this will go

on your permanent record permanently?

You know what? I think I should
write a report of my own.

How many H's in "mojito"?

Okay, this isn't friend
Shannon talking right now.

It's boss Shannon.

And boss Shannon can be
a real hard-ass.

In a strict way, not in
a great Pilates workout way.

Do you really want me
to send this report?

Because it is not flattering.

Do what you got to do. I'm
just working on my sign-off.

- I'm going to send it.
- Me, too.

- Good.
- Great.

- Super-great. Let's do it.
- Done.

You sent it?

Yeah, didn't you?

- I didn't even write a report.
- What?

This is just an email to my sister

about catering options
for a family reunion.

Then why did you tell
me you wrote one?

It was a scare tactic.

Well, it worked.

Uh, as I said, it was a bit of prank.

We're pro-pranks here.
April Fool's is crazy.

Okay. Bye.

What'd he say?

Someone from HR is coming tomorrow.

That's bad, right?

Yeah, for both of us,
but especially this guy.

Well, maybe I could give him a call.

Why? Because I can't do my job?

Uh, no, because I'm the one that got
tricked into sending a complaint.

You're also the one being a
big baby over Mexican food.

Okay, that mole wasn't even good.

It tasted like chocolate.

- Well, I'm sorry!
- Well, me, too!

(BOTH SIGH)

We look so good, mongcheri couple.

Fancy, like Batman parent. (LAUGHS)

Huh. What's the problem?

- What if Mrs. Park find out?
- It's not her coat.

Yesterday, it was her coat.

Tomorrow, it's someone else's coat.

But today, it's anybody's coat.

Maybe I try, Snoop Doggy Dogg style.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Such a beautiful evening.

Yeah, it could be a little cooler.

- It's Pastor Nina.
- Quick, this way.

(SIGHING)

- She didn't see us.
- So close.

Very exciting. Like Bonnie and Clyde.

Yeah, like outlaws.

I about to steal kiss.

MAN: Yo!

You just wrecked my mural.

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Aeeshcham!

Is it... What?

I'm thinking of the Flungkvist.

So, a couch?

- Or maybe the Slurgog.
- Also a couch.

Yeah, but they have funny names.

What's wrong with "couch"?
That's very funny.

Did you get it?
What happened with the ticket?

It's a moral conundrum.

I wrestle with the implications

of our arrangement all afternoon.

It was a pretty simple transaction.

Sure, tell that to Ginger.

She kept staring at me
with those puppy-dog eyes.

Her one eye seemed to say,

"You're correcting injustice

"and helping a dear, dear friend."

I'm more of an acquaintance, but yeah.

Her other eye was definitely saying,

"What kind of master are you

"to put your needs ahead
of the pack's?"

Also, that eye may have
conjunctivitis.

So, I'm guessing you didn't cash it.

(SIGHS)

What do you think? Better?

Hmm. Better than my jacket. Ruined.

Oh, you never even liked that jacket.

But now I miss. Life is funny.

- Oh, we have to tell Pastor Nina.
- No.

Give to me.

- What you doing?
- Don't worry.

I use beard trimmer, number- setting.

- What?
- (TRIMMER BUZZING)

You remember time
I start losing my hair?

Yeah, you cry in shower
every day, for one whole year.

No, not cry, just sing sad song.

Point is, I take long hair

- and brush over short hair.
- (TRIMMER RESUMES BUZZING)

- No hair.
- And nobody know.

Everybody know.

No, look.

Ah!

- Oh!
- What you do?

(BOTH GASPING)

Oh. It's on number- setting.

Auction is tomorrow!

Maybe everyone accept coat
and still love,

even if losing hair.

Okay. So far, no bid.

We get fix tomorrow.

Then they can use for next auction.

No one know.

I'm sure it'll go higher,

but doesn't hurt to dream, right?

It doesn't hurt you,

but very painful for baby mink.

APPA: If you listen closely,

you can still hear baby scream.

(MUFFLED WHISTLING)

(SIGHS)

So, everything described
in your email was a joke?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Hilarious.

It's a super-friendly vibe
at the branch.

Yeah. Because I talked to
a number of your colleagues,

and they described
a public confrontation

where Jung stormed out of his office,

as you, Shannon, yelled,

"Do not walk away from me!

"Don't you dare walk past that column!

"Do not walk past those chairs!

"Do not walk out that door!"

Wow. That is really detailed.

There was also a complaint
from a customer.

Well, it was a pretty
elaborate prank, so...

Okay. Can we speak candidly
for a minute?

JUNG: Sure.

Are you two in a relationship?

- What?
- With each other?

Because this all sounds very personal.

Oh. I can assure you

the only feelings between us
are professional.

So you're saying
that under no circumstances

you two would look at each other

as anything more than colleagues?

Well...

What kind of circumstances?

Yeah, desert island,
first people on Mars?

Sure, if humanity was at stake,

we would do the right thing.

Right, for humanity.
But she has a boyfriend.

I mean, I didn't a few months ago,

so that would've been the
time to populate Mars,

but nothing happened.

Yeah, well,
under the right circumstances.

Oh, wait, I thought
this was off the record.

No, I just got tired of writing.

Well, bottom line is
we're friends and colleagues

who would always do
the right thing for humanity.

But here at the branch?

Strictly business.

So, then I take it

you don't want to proceed
with a complaint.

I do not.

All right.

I'll just file this under "Pranks."

You really have a section for that?

- No.
- Oh.

Take care.

Yeah, you, too.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

SHANNON: Bye.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

- I think he bought it, right?
- Yeah.

We really pulled one over on old Brad.

Yep.

And then you're just gonna
sign your name on the back.

So, I just sign my name
on the back of the ticket?

- I just said that.
- Sorry.

I get nervous around anyone official.

You should see me at customs.

I start asking about
their travel plans.

Okay. Why don't we just focus
on all the awesome things

we can buy with the money.

Night tables, bowls,

throw pillows...

Hey, hey. That girl
kind of looks like you.

Hardly.

And why are you so paranoid?

I'm the one who shouldn't be here?

Why?

Well, I can't technically
claim the money,

because I work at the store.
It's fraud.

But I worked at the store.

- Are you serious?
- I'm not your guy.

CLERK: Next.

Come on.

CLERK: Hi, there. Can I help you?

$ , please.

We scratched and we won.

I'm just going to need you
to sign right here.

So, you got any plans
for your big win?

Throw pillows.

Other home accessories. For the home.

- Sounds good.
- Nothing unusual.

But I guess
it's all a matter of taste.

What kind of home do you have?

Can I see some ID, please?

Oh. I'm of age. I'm .

No. It's just so we know who you are.

We publish the names
of all the winners.

Do you need to know
where she bought the ticket?

It was a gift. The ticket,
it was already scratched.

"It was already scratched"?

- Who gave it to you?
- I don't know.

Secret Santa.

We do it once a month at work
to boost morale.

So someone won $

and gave it away in a Secret Santa?

Mmm-hmm. It was a $ minimum.

Where do you work?

Convenience... Nope, office.

This is just like that poster.

You know what?
We're just gonna go. Keep it.

Put it towards a hospital
or a park or something.

I made up a footnote on my midterm.

Oh, a lot of bids?

Oh. Yeah, maybe.

May I?

I know I shouldn't covet,

but my dad's birthday is coming up

and he's a huge fan.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh.

- Did you just out-bid me?
- No.

- Oh.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh. It's for charity,
and my dad's worth it.

- Oh, very generous.
- Oh, yes.

(LAUGHING)

I don't like
where this is going, Mr. Kim.

No bids?

Premium item is not for everyone.

Mrs. Kim, far be it for me
to criticize,

but this is a centrepiece

and needs to be properly displayed.

No, it's better to keep
inside bag. It keep clean.

- I'm afraid I have to insist.
- No, no, no, you can't!

I bid $ , for coat!

You can't do that.
It's a silent auction.

Fine.

Going once, going twice. Sold!

Oh, well, actually,
we still have three minutes.

- You can have the bat.
- My mistake! That is time!

I think this looks more
threatening than I intended.

APPA: What you doing?

You've been here long time.

Yeah, lots of work to do.

Take a break.

Maybe I'll get some tea. (CHUCKLES)

Yobo.

(SIGHS)

Not this time, Mr. Bond.
I keep the doomsday device.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

- Mr. Kim?
- Pastor Nina.

Hi.

You enjoying you father baseball bat?

Yes.

Are you enjoying your wife's fur coat?

Yeah.

You know, if it wasn't for fur coat,

I could have out-bid you.

Oh. Well, I guess we'll never know.

What if I offer you trade?
Baseball bat for fur coat?

I don't think so.

I just say think about!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)