06x04 - Hershey Park

[bunniefuu]

Growing up, there was nothing better

than the school field trip,

that rare opportunity
to skip your classes

and head out on an adventure.

Yep, field trips were the best.

Boofaloo, come play I Spy!

Unfortunately, my
smother was always there.

I spy a handsome schmendrick

I'm gonna squeeze all the
way to the Liberty Bell!

And this time, our trip
was low on education

and high on fun!

We were going to Hersheypark!

I can't believe we're finally
going to Hershey, Pennsylvania!

I hear the air there
smells like chocolate!

I hear the streets
are paved with nougat!

When you're over five feet tall,
you're considered a Twizzler.

It means we can go on any ride.

Well, we can go on any ride.

Your mom always chaperones

and there's no way she'll let you loose

into Chocolate Town USA without her.

It's your own fault, dude.

The rest of us forced our parents

to stop chaperoning years ago.

Yeah, all you got to do is lay down

some clear boundaries with your mom.

Oh. Uh, oh, is that all I got to do? Huh.

I didn't know it was so easy!

Thank you, Clueless Chad!

You get mean when it involves your mom.

My mom needs these field trips.
It's the only school opportunity

she has left to painfully
insert herself into my life.

Well, I told my mom, "No more!

Dave Kim is a grown-up

who doesn't need his
mommy on some field trip!

Now sign my permission slip
and lay out my clothes!"

That would never work for Adam.

All I know is that this ends today!

[Stirring music plays] I've waited my
whole life to eat eight pounds of chocolate,

then ride crazy roller
coasters till I hork.

I'm an adult man now and
shall not be controlled.

It's time I finally
face Beverly Goldberg

once and for all!

[Music ends]

You're gonna lie to her, aren't you?

Right to her face!

What?!

Hersheypark has been
closed and our trip is off!

Why are they trying to ruin
our precious time together?!

'Cause of the Chocolate Wars.

You didn't hear about it on the news?

No, I don't watch the news.

It aggravates your father until
he throws his shoe at the TV.

It's those Fudge Barons
at Nestle Megacorp.

They declared an all-out
w*r on Mr. Goodbar

so they shut down the amusement park.

Screw those Chocolate w*r-Mongers!

I just made a fresh batch
of Oooey Gooey Fudgy Chewies.

[Chuckles] These always cheer you up.

Wow. He's good.

Maybe the best.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was October th, -something,

the night of the annual Career Fair

at William Penn Academy...

Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Career Night.

[Coughs] No-one-cares!
[Laughter]

Okay, well, the joke's on
you, mysterious cougher.

The path that you choose tonight

will determine the rest of your lives.

Rest of our lives? Oh, man.

That sounds pretty permanent.

Lucky for you, you have

your old man's noble profession

of ophthalmology

pre-selected for you.

You're so lucky!

I have tons of questions
about doctoring,

Mister Dr. Geoff's Dad!

Okay, I see how passionate
you are about medicine.

Come by the office and
see for yourself what I do.

I call eyeball holder when
you do a head transplant!

Boom!

I know that's not real science,

but I'm still gonna take a walk.

How's it going?

Well, my "rock star"
booth is an obvious sham,

but I'm broke and they got free food,

so goin' good. You?

Well, my dad's pushing me into
the eyeball game, so... gross?

Dude, you're at a career night.

If eye doctoring
skeeves you out so much,

then go find another job.

What? No.

I love the human eye,
all squishy with its veins

and mysterious, disgusting rings.

- Are you gonna hurl?
- I might.

- Hey, you!
- Me?

Yeah, you! The kid who ate
my corn on the cob. Come here!

That was one time two years ago.

How is that the only thing
he remembers about me?

He really likes his corn.

Why is your dad even at a school event?

He finds a few idiots to
move heavy crap for free

and then he calls them interns.

[Sighs]

Hey, niblets. How would
you feel about interning

in the exciting world of new
and recycled furniture sales?

Um, maybe I guess.

You're hired.

And by hired, I don't mean
I'm actually paying you.

Geoff! Get back to the booth!

This young man's being
very disrespectful

to my anatomical eye models.

Check it out, I'm putting
a giant eye in my pants!

Chaperones, we'll meet here

at : A.M. sharp

to hit the Hershey Highway

before it clogs up.

[Quiet laughter] All right, grow up.

What the hell, ladies and Vinny?

What happened to our PTA meeting?

We got bumped.

Mellor's talking to all
the field trip chaperones.

Field trip? Doesn't he
know the amusement park

is closed indefinitely?

What? The park is closed?

Hello? Nestle pulled
out of the Cocoa Accords.

There's been a travel advisory.

All non-essential
personnel must steer clear.

Uh, Beverly? None of your
insane words are true.

But that's not possible.

Adam swore to me that Reese's

was literally blown to pieces.

Exactly. You're the
last person in the world

he wants on a field trip.

But chaperoning is the one thing

I'm still allowed to be a part of!

Just feel lucky you made
it to th grade, Bev.

Jackie cut me off in th grade.

Independence Hall.

th grade, Freedom Trail.

th grade. Ben Franklin Museum.

Dave Kim told me to [Voice
breaking] go fly a kite.

For me it was rd grade.
My Emmy is garbage.

But those field trips are my only window

into Adam's day-to-day life.

Without them, how am I supposed to know

how he's doing in school?

You could just ask
him when he comes home?

Please. Whenever I ask about
his day, all I get is "Muh."

Aw, you get actual sounds?

I just get soul-destroying silence.

Well, you may all be fine
with a frosty cold "muh"

at the end of your day,
but not Beverly Goldberg.

Coach, put me down for chaperone.

But your son made it
clear you're the worst

and you can't go.

Lucky for me, I have a
way to get Adam to say yes

to whatever I want.

It was true. She really did.

Before parents could guilt their kids

through texts or e-mails,

my mom used the Guilt Letter.

These passive-aggressive
tirades of manipulation

were a true art form.

[Dramatic notes play]

And if her words didn't get to you,

the mom tears on the letter sure would.

Balls!

I got to admit it, Cobby,

you're the best pretend
intern I've had yet.

I didn't realize how cool
it was to run a business.

What do you mean? Your dad runs
a whole eye doctoring business.

Yeah, but in our
business, if we mess up,

people will never see
their children again.

The worst I can do around
here is stain a loveseat.

Look, I don't want to get involved

between you and your old man,

mostly 'cause I don't care,

but if eyes freak you
out, I wouldn't do eyes.

What would I do with my
life if not eye doctoring?

I'm not involved, but
do what makes you happy

instead of being such
a pushover all the time.

I know you're not
involved, but, oh, man,

I'm suddenly rethinking
my entire future!

Well, why don't you think
about it while you bring

that heavy-ass end
table to the back room?

[Chimes ring]

Okay, you can take your son back now!

He's been shadowing me all day.

In fact, I learned so much,

Dr. Lou said I don't
have to go back tomorrow!

Or ever again. We'll play it by ear.

Oh, crap, it's my dad. Hello, Father.

Geoffrey? Where were you all day?

There was an outbreak of pink eye.

So gunky, bro.

Ew, bummed I missed it. Ew.

Uh, I was learning about furniture here.

You spent the day learning
another man's trade?

Murray, how could you
betray me like this?

No betrayal. I'm not involved.

Son, the only business you need to know

is the one I'm handing to you.

But Mr. G got me thinking that
maybe I don't want it, right?

Not involved.

Don't want it? What's
he talking about, Murray?

Look, all I know is this
wonderful mentor of mine...

Notvolvd!

...told me to stick up for myself.

- So, I'll just say it.
- Not involved!

I hereby reject all
professional doctoring

and modern medicine.

So what are you gonna do with your life?

This? Furniture sales?

Notvolvd!

I'd rather do anything than eyes!

Maybe I'll do computers or fitness

or maybe I'll just start my
own food delivery service!

He wants to do food delivery

instead of helping people see, Murray?

Notvolvd! Come on!

Yep, all my dad wanted was to
stay out of Geoff's business.

Meanwhile, my mom had
successfully guilted her way

back into mine.

Hi, Mama.

I just wanted to say sorry and all.

- For?
- For being a bad son

and not appreciating the time you spent

baking me in your belly.

And how will you make it up to me?

Maybe you can chaperone the field trip?

I'll have to move some things
around, but I'll be there.

Now go. Be a boy!

My mom had guilted me into submission,

but even better, she
impressed her friends.

I don't understand. How?

I can't tell you that.

So you get to participate
in Adam's school life

as he frolics about with friends

while the rest of us
stay home and suck it?

I'm sorry, Dave Kim's mom.

I just can't risk something
this huge getting out.

I give you my word as a parent

and as an esteemed kindergarten teacher.

I will say nothing.

- Same here!
- Ditto.

Agreed.

Meet me in my basement at hours.

Take separate cars, don't
let anyone follow you,

and do not park on our street.

You're about to learn

Beverly Goldberg's biggest secret.

[Quiet laughter]

Hey! Why you guys looking
all shady right now?

- Nothing!
- No big secrets here.

- We're normal.
- All good.

Carry on.

The time had come for my mom

to teach her fellow
parents a master class

in the art of manipulation.

What I'm about to show
you is the most lethal

and powerful w*apon
in a yenta's arsenal.

The guilt letter.

You wrote eight pages on both sides?

Yes.

Everything you're about
to hear has been written

by Beverly Goldberg and
sent to her children.

This is all real.

"Adam, I gave birth to
you, fed and nurtured you,

dried your tears, and made
you the center of my universe.

But the way you treated me
today makes me regret it all."

Wait, you really wrote this?

Again, every word is % true.

"I don't know another
human being on this earth

who would treat their
parent this way,

especially four weeks
before Mother's Day."

That's how you started an actual letter?

Oh, sweet, stupid Vincent Geary.

The opening is everything.

I call it the "Guilt Grabber."

Oh, I got to write this down.

Wait. You can't just copy what I say.

Once I teach you the basic structure,

you have to find your
own spiteful voice.

You have a whole structure?

Of course I do.

Now, after the guilt grabber,

you deliver your emotionally
devastating thesis,

wherein you single them out

as the most ungrateful child
the world has ever known.

"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,

but I may never sleep again

knowing how I failed as a mother."

My God, who writes this?

Literally me, no joke.

Next comes the body of the letter,

in which you present the
many hurtful specifics

that demonstrate how much
you've sacrificed for your baby.

"I haven't slept since you were born

and gave my whole life to you.

Not once did I focus on myself.

I could have been a lawyer!"

Again, something I actually
wrote to my children.

Finally, we have the closer,

where you remind your children
that they, and they alone,

are responsible for your early demise.

- Wow.
- I know, Serry Mirsky.

You finally have the tool to shame Emmy

into being perfect like class
valedictorian Aliza Goren.

[Laughing] She'll never be Aliza Goren.

Beverly, these crazy guilt
letters are a game-changer.

Thank you for this
amazing, hateful gift.

You truly are a genius of our time.

It's so nice to finally be recognized.

Quick, give me your paper.
Let's not waste these.

Your father ruined my son.

This morning, Geoffrey said

he wanted to go to a liberal
arts college like Vassar

where he can find himself.

But you've mapped out the
next years of his life,

which ends in him taking
over your thriving practice.

All I ever wanted was
an apprentice who cares,

but now there's no one.

Geoff is as blind as a patient

who needs a penetrating keratoplasty.

I know. You rearranged
the entire filing system,

and my apprentice wasn't
even here to see that.

This is worse than
that one patient who had

the viral eye infection of the retina.

Which I missed and you pointed out.

Thanks for that, by the way.

Enough is enough!

You need an apprentice.
This is shameful.

I want the old Geoff back!

And you'll get him back!

As leader of the JTP,

he has to do exactly what I say.

You will do exactly
what I say, Schwartz.

- No.
- No?!

Since when does he say no?

Since I'm done being
the doormat of the JTP.

But that's your role.

Each friendship group
has a doormat, a leader,

a Naked One, a tiny pocket
man, and a lame Matt Bradley!

Well, I'm done being the doormat.

I hereby change the structure
of the JTP as we know it.

You can't change that!

It's the structure of friendship!

Oh, it's changed but good.

And as the new leader of the JTP,

I demand a piece of your Gator Gum.

There's only one man
here who needs Gatorade

magically injected into
their gum and it's me.

[Dramatic music plays]

Oh, dang. Geoff just swiped
some of Barry's Gator Gum.

Oh, the Gator Gum is totally replacing

the vital salts and
minerals in Geoff's legs.

No! Stop hydrating with my Gator Gum!

Those are my electrolytes!

Dude, he just quenched his
thirst with Barry's Gator Gum.

- Geoff is our clear leader now.
- Damn right I am.

I'm so freakin' fired up right now.

I'm gonna cut science class
and go run around the park.

With no clear objective?

That's crazy, dude.

No. It's new Geoff.

- JTP!
- JTP!

New Geoff is exciting.

Yeah, man. That science lab
was, like, % of our grade,

but new Geoff don't care.

And this is an act of w*r.

It's time I unleash my sister.

Hey, I wanted to...

- Barry sent you, didn't he?
- Wow, yeah.

He charged into the kitchen
all sweaty and angry,

and I said I would come in
here just to get rid of him.

Okay, well, why don't you go tell Barry

that new Geoff is here to stay.

Okay, I'm really not in the
loop, so what's happening here?

What's happening is the new
me refuses to be bossed around

by his dad, his friends,
and quite frankly, you!

Me? I'm part of this now?

Yeah. I'm tired of
folding your sweaters.

But I thought you liked the folding.

Does this answer your question?

No-go. I like new Geoff.

You like new Geoff?

New Geoff is hot. Good luck to you both.

As new Geoff wasn't backing down,

our bus full of kids and lame chaperones

was pulling up to Hersheypark.

Oh, you know what those
chocolate kiss street lamps mean.

We're here!

It was a brutal start.
But once the bus parked,

we were free to explore Chocolate World

without our lame-ass par...

Oh, balls! They're back again!

I don't get it.

You all said you cut your parents off

from chaperoning ages ago.

I did, but last night my mom wrote me

this heartbreaking eight-page
letter, and I caved.

Same here. My dad even
circled his tears on the paper.

My mom did the same thing.

Listen to this.

And when I literally die
from the disappointment,

please do not

- visit my grave site.
- ...visit my grave site.

Lemme see those letters.

Look.

They're all the same.

See? My mom also has a hole
in her heart the shape of me.

My mom has that same kid-shaped hole!

This can only be the work of one woman,

Beverly Goldberg.

What are we gonna do, man?

I can't ever read another one of these.

I cried in my mom's bosom.

Her bosom!

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna rise up
against this reign of guilt

and take back what is ours.

Chocolatier!

We need chocolate-scented
stationery STAT!

Time to give our parents
a taste of their own guilt.

[Whistle blows]

Alright, hit the showers or
generously spray on deodorant.

Schwartz, got a bunch of
scoop balls that need scooping,

so have at it.

- Nah, man. I'm good.
- Excuse me?

I'm tired of being Mr. Pushover

who always scoops the
scoop balls after class.

As leader of the JTP,
I say Andy does it.

Hey! He's not the leader of the JTP.

You don't have to do that, Andy.

But Geoff said I should.

Well, I say Geoff
scoops the scoop balls!

You scoop the scoop balls!

I'm not scooping no scoop balls!

Somebody scoop the scoop balls.

I'll scoop the scoop balls, okay?

Don't you dare scoop
the scoop balls, Matthew!

Fine! You'll all scoop the scoop balls!

Or better yet, [bleep],

why don't you scoop my [bleep]?

Never in all my years
in the gymanatorial arts

have I ever been so
blatantly disrespected.

I expected more from you, Mr. Schwartz.

Anything to say before
I decide your punishment?

Yeah. Why am I here?

The kid's got his own dad. Call him.

Yeah, but he's busy,
and he'll be so mad.

But I'm busy and I'm mad.

You're mad? My jaw is
seizing up with anger.

Dang it, Rick. You got
to chew some Gator Gum

like a grown man and calm the heck down.

Follow me.

Oh, geez.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Look, you're the one who
set me on this new path.

We both agreed I'm not
involved in any of this.

Just saying you're not involved
doesn't make you not involved.

Look, I got my own idiot
kids to worry about.

And you, you got a great dad
who wants you to be a doctor.

You're the only one who let me be me,

and now even you're taking it back.

Thanks for nothing.

It was time for us to
take some sweet revenge

on our chaperone parents.

- Sup.
- Sup yourselves.

Uh, it is our job as chaperones
to make sure you stay safe,

and that extends to sugar consumption.

Then it's a good thing
we no longer accept you

as school chaperones.

"Mother, I have clearly
failed as a son."

- What the hell is this?
- It's a guilt letter,

like the ones you taught
your friends to write.

- [Gasps] They know!
- You know?

- We all know.
- Chad Hayward Kremp, please.

Think of me lying in my grave site.

That's my line.

What she said, but for
me in my grave site.

Sorry, ladies and Vinny.

This field/guilt trip is over.

We had an agreement.

You were supposed to
write your own letters,

but then you go and copy mine?!

I tried to write my own, Beverly.

I just couldn't be a scathing
guilt monster like you.

If you don't mind, we're gonna head out

to Chocolate Town USA.

Enjoy waiting on the boiling hot bus.

♪

This is not the bus!

I'm not riding my first
roller coaster with my mom!

We need to talk about your letter.

My letter?!

You're the one who's
manipulated me for years,

and is that creaking normal?

That's because you were
shutting me out of your life,

and, oh, we keep climbing.

Of course I shut you
out! I'm a teenager!

And yeah, this is higher than I thought.

Here, hold my hand.
Let Mama protect you.

Please, I'm gonna be just fine!

I'm gonna die, aah!

Aah!

I am so angry and upside down!

Where's the ground?!

Aah, I was dead just now! I'm so scared!

Well, I'm loving every moment of thi...

Ohh! Help! We need the coaster police!

Where am I?!

Aah!

I'm so furious but I forget why!

Aah!

I'm blind!

I am blind!

[Gasps]

So are we good? Did we resolve this?

Maybe! I don't know anything anymore!

Yes, I agree, and I love you, too.

[Music plays] Yeah, even though
I blacked out from terror,

I was still super fired up.

Adam, wait.

I've given you four hours
of bus ride to cool off.

Trust me, that's not nearly enough.

Okay, so maybe it was a mistake for me

to force my way on this trip.

Of course it was!

My God, every other parent
was fine not to chaperone.

Why not you?

Adam, when you were little,
I was your everything.

I'd hold your hand when
I'd walk you into school,

and you'd cry when I left.

Now when you walk through
that door in the morning,

you're just gone.

And when you come home, I get nothing.

C'mon, I tell you stuff.

Please. At best I get a "muh."

That's why I write the letters,

so I can hear more, hear anything.

Okay, then.

I promise to give you more than a "muh"

if you promise to stop with
your crazy mom manifestos.

Guess I could cut back a little.

With you, I still have
plenty of hurtful things

to say to Barry and Erica.

That day, me and my mom were
finally seeing eye to eye,

and my dad decided to help someone

see things more clearly.

If you're here for a
discounted eye exam, forget it.

Not today.

I just thought maybe we could talk.

What's to talk about?

Geoff was in trouble
and called you, not me.

Look, I'm far from the kind of guy

who should be giving parenting advice,

but I have learned

you can't plan your kid's life for them.

It's just always been my dream

for him to follow in my footsteps.

I get it, but is it his dream?

I guess not.

For what it's worth, whatever
Geoff does with his life,

I know he's gonna be amazing at it.

He's a good egg.

Tell you the truth, your
son's not so bad, either.

Barry?

You know, he's fantastic
with the patients.

Kid's gonna be a hell of a doctor.

Maybe.

But I don't want to get involved.

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

I see you're back to
folding my sweaters.

Yeah. The whole, uh, new Geoff thing,

it's just not who I am.

Look, you don't know who
you are, and that's okay,

'cause I don't know who I am, either.

C'mon, you've got it all figured out.

Dude, I have no idea what
I'll end up doing with my life.

All I can do is follow my heart.

And I love seeing you
finally doing the same.

[Clears throat] Sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted a word with Geoffrey.

Look, Dad, I don't want to
hear about how I let you down.

It doesn't matter what I think.

It's your life,

and I want it to be
whatever you want it to be.

As long as it's not furniture.

Oh, God, no.

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Like no one else ♪

Boofaloo! How was your day?

Muh.

♪ And I can't help myself ♪

Actually, it was really good.

You want to hear about it?

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

When we're kids,

it's natural to want to
shut your parents out,

but once you start opening up,

you realize it can be pretty sweet.

Bev, I have one of your actual letters,

and it's a smooth...

[Laughing] pages.

Now, I know they've told me

they don't read the letters.

I don't believe them,

because here's a letter

that's years old,

and my son Adam still saved it.

"Not only am I ashamed to
have such a cruel, selfish son,

but I may never sleep again

knowing how I have failed as a mother."

Well, a little guilt doesn't hurt.

What can I tell you?