06x05 - Mister Knifey-Hands

[bunniefuu]

Ah, the Halloween couple's costume!

From "Alien vs. Predator"
to "Little Shop of Horrors,"

back in the day,

dressing up was always
better in pairs...

well, for everyone except Erica.

Boom! This year, you and me are going

as the white hot hit-making duo,

Daryl Hall and John Oates!

No and no.

I don't get it either.

In my day, there were only two costumes,

a ghost and a witch.

Please, Erica!

You know it's always been my dream

to go to the Halloween dance

in a bad-ass couple's costume

based on clever wordplay!

Geoff, I love you.

But your dream is beyond embarrassing.

I knew you'd be resistant and nasty,

which is why I came up
with some backups so good

you can't possibly say no!

Terrific!

I always enjoy a good presentation!

Look, we can be Tim Burton's best movie!

"Beetlejuice"!

I'm the beetle. You're the juice.

"Falcon Crest."

Doctor. J.

John. Candy.

LEGGO my EGGO.

Corn. Dog.

Or we circle back to
Daryl Hall and John Oates!

Comments...?

What's happening right now?

Good question, Pops.

Trust me, this will make sense

if you just wear the cough drops.

Geoff, listen to me.

I am not going to some corny
high-school Halloween dance.

Fine! But just so you know,

I find it very hurtful that you insist

that my innovative ideas
are always embarrassing!

Aah!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was October rd, -something,

and I was ready for a
Halloween horror marathon

with my girlfriend, Jackie.

Okay, so, I narrowed it down

to these horror movies.

I think all we need is one.

"Nightmare on Elm Street."

Yeah, I'm not so sure.

Something about Freddy
Krueger really freaks me out.

It could be the face or the claws

or the whole fall-asleep
and-you-die concept.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll protect you.

No. That's my job!

And you know my number-one rule,

No scary movies.

That's the thing, it's not scary.

"Elm Street" is actually
a very charming Rom-com.

"High school friends are
slaughtered in their sleep

by the predatory monster
of their shared nightmares"?

Gah!

What's the worst that can happen?

I don't know.

Why don't you ask Joyce
Dimarco's son Anthony?

He didn't sleep for three years

after watching "The Exorcist,"

so his body never grew.

Well, now he's a ' " adult man

who needs a special stool to use a sink!

Mom, I've slept enough
to reach every sink!

I'm old enough to see this movie!

Okay, fine. You wanna
rent a scary movie?

Here. "An American Tail"?

It's bone chilling.

It's about a Russian-Semitic mouse

named Fievel Mousekewitz

who immigrates to America.

How is that scary?!

Well, he gets separated from his mama.

But don't worry. He finds her again.

Ohh! I just ruined the whole thing!

Well, it doesn't matter,
'cause you're gonna love it!

I'm gonna get us some cheesy snacks

for my little mouse man.

Don't worry.

We'll still get to watch us some Freddy.

Really? How?

I had a feeling your
mom would make us go PG,

so I had my parents rent it for us...

unless you're too scared?

Are you kidding?

It's cool.

I mean, how scary can
a little claw glove be?

[Suspenseful music plays] Oh, God!

That claw is really
freaking me out, man!

Tell me when the claw's off the screen!

Hey, pumpkins! Having fun?

Mnh.

Yeah, fun stuff.

Dad, you've gotta see this movie.

It's totally terrifying.

That's 'cause it's
based on a true story.

Wait, what?!

[Imitating Freddy Krueger]
Freddy's coming for you!

- You can sleep when you're dead!
- What?!

[Normal voice] I'm just messing with you.

But the movie is terrifying.

Have fun!

It's true. Freddy scared me to my core.

Meanwhile, Geoff was still afraid

he'd never get his couple's costume.

Please, all I'm asking
for is five measly minutes

as Daryl Hall and John Oates!

For the millionth time,

I'm not going to some
lame high-school dance.

But it won't be lame

because you make everything cooler.

That's why you're Halls!

It's known for its icy-cold
penetrating vapor action!

I made a promise the day I graduated

to never return to this hell hole again.

Which reminds me...

- Get out.
- Here?

But this is the auxiliary parking lot.

If you wanna bum rides off me,

this is the best you're gonna get.

'Cause the last thing I need
is for someone to spot me...

Well, well!

If it isn't one of
our illustrious alumni,

Erica Goldberg!

Hey, Mr. Glascott.

Um, don't you have

your own, like, teacher's
spot or something?

I do, but there's always
a student parked in it,

so I park here

and then wear a pair of
comfortable walking shoes.

Cool stuff, very sad, gotta go!

Oh, wait, before you run off,

do you mind coming in
and talking to the kids?

It's very inspiring for
them to hear a success story

from one of our former students.

I would, but being
back here is depressing,

so no way never?

[Laughs]

That's the sassafras I remember!

Come on, we can walk together!

Young minds, look who it is!

Erica Goldberg!

[Chuckles]

She's here to tell you all about

the magical and exciting
chapter after high school!

Well, I went to college in DC...

Ooh! Where the President lives.

And then I dropped out
to follow my real dream,

which is being a rock star.

Intriguing.

Could you expound on
the risks and rewards

of leaving academia behind?

Good Lord, no!

So in your experience,

would you say college
was a waste of time?

I would say high school
was a waste of time.

No, no, no, no, no!

I knew it!

The whole American
educational system is bogus!

Man, this really turned on me!

Please just leave!

You were right, Schwartz.

Coming back to school
wasn't so bad after all.

[Sighs] Later, turds!

[Crunches]

She just ate my new apple.

Turns out,

going back to the
place Erica used to rule

was just the ego boost she needed.

Some days I just wake up
and I go, "You know what?

I'm gonna do nothing today,"

and I go right back to sleep.

You're my hero.

Yep, that fateful day,

she was back to being the Queen of Cool.

- This bad boy stuck again?
- Mm-hmm.

Some things never change.

Wow!

You're like the Fonz but hot!

Aay!

'Cause Fonzie.

That is, until the Queen of Cool

became the Master of Just Not Leaving.

'Sup! [Chuckles]

My dude!

Hey, hang in there, bro!

Like the bangs, random girl!

Ruben Jr., doin' what you do!

Wait, I thought that girl graduated?

That's 'cause she did.

While Erica was
overstaying her welcome...

I was over-caffeinating.

Who's up for Pancake Dippers?!

Whoa-Whoa!

Take off that striped
Freddy sweater right now!

Oh. Dammit.

Are you strung out on Jolt Cola again?

- Gimme the can.
- No, no, no, no!

I need my wakey juice!

My God, you look schluffy.

A Mama can always tell!

- What's going on with you?
- Okay, fine!

I'm too exhausted to mount a defense!

I watched "Nightmare on Elm Street"

at Jackie's house.

What? Where were Vinny and Lynn?

They rented it for us.

Knowing full well that
it's a terrifying movie

- about Fredward Kroeger?!
- Yes!

'Cause they trust Jackie
and respect her opinion

'cause she's an adult

who can make her own decisions.

Sweet God!

What else happens in this lawless house

- built on the trust of children?
- Nothing!

Vin and Lynn are cool and thoughtful

and political and go to protests...

Whoa, whoa, wait, they're hippies?

Oh, no! Don't mix in, too!

Just go back to napping!

You never told me

that your girlfriend
comes from hippie stock!

Oh, no!

Great, now you got your
father all riled up.

My God!

Why do you hate hippies so much?

Because back in college,

they were all off making free love,

while I was making $ an hour

slicing rye bread in a deli!

Enough with the rye bread, Murray.

Take a walk.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, there go my big plans for the day,

haranguing Erica

and then Barry if there was time.

Hm, it's all hands on
deck to get you sleeping

like a snuggle bug again.

It's just a few nightmares.
I don't need your help.

Tonight we're gonna start
with a relaxing bubble bath.

No baths. I'm a shower man now.

After that,

I'm gonna toast up
your jammies real nice

in the dryer,

and then I'll tuck you in real tight

to seal in the safeness.

You do know that none of
this will actually help me.

For your information, science has proven

that Mamas can love away the fear.

What science proves that?!

At Yale, they scared a thousand kids.

Half were given mama love.

Half were given a placebo.

Guess which kids stopped
having nightmares?

None, 'cause it never happened!

I could've been a scientist.

I rest my case.

'Cause I could've been a lawyer as well.

I don't care what fancy
career you gave up to raise me.

I'll get over my nightmares by myself

and without a bath.

[Dramatic music plays]

Stupid loving mother
and her soothing science.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Aah! Gah!

Aah! No more sleep!

Never ever again will there be sleep!

C'mon, losers! Let's
see some Quaker spirit

and support your girls' volleyball team!

Oh, my God, I can't believe
she's back here again!

Dang. Dude, I never
thought I'd see the day

where you would be embarrassed by her.

Embarrassed? No. What? C'mon.

Erica's my dream girl.

And now the dream is over

and you're left with
a sad sack girlfriend

stuck in thirteenth grade.

- That's a thing?
- Oh, yeah.

See, Erica's become one of those losers

who still hangs around
after she's graduated.

Get your cookies!

Matt, tell me it's gonna be okay!

I usually try and find a
positive spin on things,

but, um, this one's hard.

Oh, no, even eternal optimist
Matt Bradley lost hope?!

- What do I do?!
- Hey, JTP! Over here!

- Oh, she sees us!
- Good luck, man!

Flee!

Brownie on the house for
my number-one customer.

And as your number one,

I feel like it's my job to tell you

that people are calling you

a lame-ass sad sack
stuck in thirteenth grade.

Not me! People.

What people?

- Wait, is it Dan?!
- Honestly, it's not.

Oh, I am gonna make this school year

- a living hell for that goofus!
- No!

You can't go around school
terrorizing goofuses!

You're an adult now! It's a crime!

Dan brought this on himself!

If he wants to dance, then we'll dance!

Don't dance with Dan!

It's me! I'm the people who think it!

- Stop covering for Dan!
- I'm not!

I didn't know how to
tell you, but graduation

usually marks the end
of a high-school career,

which seems kinda lost on you.

The only thing that's lost
is your grip on reality!

I am worshipped here!

Watch!

Attention, adoring fans!

I'm gonna be throwing a
kick-ass pre-party for the dance!

Keg's on me!

[Cheers and applause] Hear that?

Who's in thirteenth grade now?

Thirteenth grade?

Dammit, I was assured high
school stopped at twelfth!

Desperate to escape
my Freddy nightmares,

I visited the girl of my dreams

after chugging a case of Jolt Cola.

Hey, Lynnie. Hey, Vinny. Jackie home?

Uh. She's upstairs watching
"Elm Streets" two through five.

- Have at it.
- Um, I'm kind of Freddy'd out.

Maybe I can wait for her in
one of your many well-lit rooms.

- [Whispering] Just gonna grab this.
- You okay, big guy?

Jackie said you haven't
been sleeping much lately.

No, I've been getting about

seven, eight minutes a night.

Look, I teach kids. It's what I do.

Do you know the best way to
conquer your deepest fears?

Facing your fear head on.

- Here.
- Fangoria magazine?

They go behind-the-scenes
on all the horror movies

and show you the special
effects and the makeup,

and they show you how they make it.

- Not so scary now, huh?
- That's Freddy Krueger?!

He's just a classically
trained actor named Robert.

This is awesome! It really was.

Thanks to Jackie's dad,
my nightmares were over...

or so I thought.

- Aah!
- [Chuckles]

Looks like my little
fun-size Snickers is awake!

Mom! You know it's not okay

to stare at me for hours as I sleep!

It's hard not to admire my handiwork.

What are you talking about?

I got you sleeping again!

You know, a mother's love
really is the best medicine!

To be clear, Vin and
Lynn Geary helped me,

not your creep-o stuff.

I'm sorry... Vin and Lynn what, now?

You heard me. They used Fangoria

to help me face my fears head on.

Ho-no!

How dare they successfully
parent my child?!

- Murray, get in here!
- Which moron did what?!

- Just yell it to me!
- It's those damn Gearys again!

They mixed in with our baby!

- The chutzpah!
- Those stinkin' hippies!

They don't follow the rules of society!

Really? You guys are
that threatened by them

just 'cause they're better
parents than you in every way?

What did you just say?

Not in every way!

I meant most ways, some ways! One way?

Those Gearys are gonna
get a crash course

in real parenting from the Goldbergs.

Oh, please stay away from
those nice, better people!

Please, no. Please, no.
Please, no. Please, no.

- Please, no.
- Gearys, we need to talk.

- Hey, Goldbergs!
- Just bobbing for some apples.

- You want a turn, Mur?
- Do I want communal fruit

from a hippie tub?

- I'm good.
- Play time's over, Gearys.

Oh, you have got some nerve.

I'm sorry, what exactly
are you worked up about?

[Whispering] We have
to do something fast.

Because of you people,

my son stopped having night terrors.

- You're welcome?
- How shocking,

the hippie doesn't get it!

Why does he keep calling us hippies?

Because of your
head-in-the-sand

loosey-goosey parenting style!

Which is the reason my little angel

started having nightmares to begin with!

Well, maybe if he
wasn't an over-mothered

bubble-wrapped veal child,

he wouldn't be having
nightmares in the first place!

[Whispering] Our parents are fighting!

- Do something!
- Look!

They have hay rides! Hay
makes everything better!

Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew

who went on a hay ride

and the open-air wagon turned over.

They had to saw him out of the wreckage,

and they accidentally
cut the poor boy in half.

Now he's just a torso

and has to ride a
special medical skateboard

to his job at the DMV.

- No, thanks.
- Look, it's a corn maze!

Let's split up by family!

Are you sure it's safe? I
bet your mom knows someone

- who was impaled by a pointy cob.
- Move, move, move.

I was not done speaking to you people.

- Come on, Murray.
- While my parents were on a mission

to school the Gearys, Erica's only goal

was to prove she wasn't
a lame thirteenth grader.

Hello, fine purveyor of spirits.

I would like nine kegs

of your cheapest and
frothiest beer, please.

- Gonna need to see some ID.
- I was prepared for that.

Pla-dow!

This is a freshman college ID.

Which proves I'm not some
high-school bozo off the street.

- It also proves that you're not .
- Would it help if I told you that I

- really need a keg to look cool?
- It would not.

Would it matter if I
cried and/or begged?

- Still a no.
- Please! I am in a really bad place, man!

The validation that I'll get
from some random high-school kids

is all that's getting me by right now!

So, please, I gotta get a keg!

I could just fill one up with
some crappy non-alcoholic beer.

Seriously, dude? No one
would stoop that low.

What up, party people?!

Guess who got a real keg

of genuine alcoholic beer?!

Look, the girl that was
getting on our nerves

finally did something cool!

Okay, you have seriously lost it!

You can't bring a keg-wagon to
school just to prove me wrong!

All I'm proving is these people love me

and I'm not in the thirteenth grade.

Hey, pre-party before the
dance is at the water tower!

Now cheer for me!

[Cheers and applause]

Nothing can touch you, Erica!

You're untouchable!

Miss Goldberg, you
are in serious trouble!

My office right now!

Ooh.

Well, I no longer go here so
you can't tell me what to do.

Ooh!

Well, I'll just have you arrested

for criminal trespassing

and providing alcohol to minors!

Ooooh.

Please stop.

Ohh. I think we've been here already.

Well, clueless people, clueless parents.

Okay! That's it, Beverly!

You have seriously crossed the line!

Please, all I did was question

whether you should bring
another child into this world.

- And a hippie child no less.
- Ugh, we get it!

You hate hippies 'cause
you were lame in college!

I worked two jobs to
get through Penn State.

You don't think I wanted
to dance and wear beads?

No. Can't imagine you
wanting any of that.

You have no idea what
this complicated man wants!

- What do we do?!
- We gotta split 'em up!

Hurry! Goldbergs, this way!

And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh,

but I don't trust you
people, and frankly...

I'm not comfortable with Adam spending

any more unsupervised
time at your madhouse!

Tell ya what, maybe our kids

shouldn't see each other at all!

- What?!
- Jackie Renee Geary,

get to the car!

I bet it's a Volkswagen love bus.

It's a Saab, so suck it!

I can't believe you two!

Look, we are your parents,

and we know what's best for you...

But you don't! The
Gearys helped me, not you!

Honestly, I wish they were my parents!

You don't mean that...

I've never meant anything more.

Dead end! Still mad!

Okay, I know all this looks super bad,

but this isn't even real beer!

I'm a fraud and I'm lame!

So you'd fool a bunch of kids

with a fake keg just to seem cool?

You've sunk pret-ty low, Ms. Goldberg.

Well, whattya know!

Johnny G scored us a keg-irino

for the teacher's
lounge Halloween mixer!

Oh, um, this is...

And here you guys insisted this man

was nothing but a button-down cornball.

Well, shows what you
all know! [Chuckles]

Why don't we tap this

very alcoholic bad boy,
people?! [Chuckles]

Mr. G brought the fun.

Unbelievable! They just stole my keg!

How am I supposed to
impress the Seniors now?

- That's your takeaway here?!
- God, why are you yelling at me?

Because this is all beyond embarrassing!

Not just for you, but for me, too!

- Especially for me!
- Wait, I embarrass you?!

- What's that supposed to mean?
- It means there's a reason

that I didn't tell
anyone that we were dating

for the first three
months of our relationship.

You said it's because
secrets make it hotter?

Well, here's the truth.
I didn't tell anyone

because I was popular and
the last thing I wanted

was for people to see me with
my brother's puppy dog friend

who followed me around
for a decade until I caved!

Well, don't worry.

That ends now.

After I disowned my mom for
ruining things with Jackie,

she decided to try and reconnect with me

using the thing I loved most, movies.

Adam?! Where'd you go?!

♪ One, two ♪

♪ Freddy's coming for you... ♪

♪ Three, four ♪

♪ You better lock your door ♪

Excuse me. Hi, um...

I lost my little baby.

His name's Adam, goes by "Schmoo."

Schmoo's not here. [Cackles]

I take it you work here.

Try again.

Yeah, I don't have time
for games. I lost my son.

Oooh.

Bad mommy lost her little brat.

[Chuckling] I'm sorry,
who do you think you are?

Your worst nightmare.

[Laughs evilly]

[Snoring]

[Laughing evilly]

Oh...

Gotta hide.

What the...

My sweaters!

You got good taste, lady.

[Gasps]

[Laughs evilly]

Whatever, I don't care
what happens to me.

I'm already living my worst nightmare.

Huh?

I thought I was doing a
pretty damn good job here.

No, you're great with the knifey hands

and the melting-candle face.

It's just... [Sighs]

Adam said he wished I wasn't his mother.

Oh, geez. That's an awful thing to say.

Mm.

I'm-a k*ll him.

No.

The more I think about it,
I deserved what Adam said.

I was terrible to Jackie's parents.

Parents. [Chuckling] Who needs 'em?

I never knew any of my fathers,
and I turned out just fine.

I don't see how that applies to me,

but I couldn't stand the Gearys

because of the way they parented.

But, then, they were able
to help Adam, and I wasn't.

Eh, this is getting way too
touchy-feely for this cowboy.

[Bleep] it, time to die!

No.

Time to get my [bleep] son back.

Hey! I say the [bleep] around here, lady!

Not anymore, Mr. Kroeger.

Krueger! It's Krueger!

Aah!

[Gasps] Oh! What?

What happened with the thing?

Oh, I had the worst nightmare.

I got to go talk to Adam. [Snoring]

Okay.

I know you said you didn't
want to talk to me anymore,

- but I...
- It's fine, all is forgiven!

No, it's not.

I just had this crazy awful dream,

and it made me realize...

Well, live and learn!

Life's a journey, thanks for popping in!

Uh. What's that?

Oh, balls.

That is my Halloween mask.

I'm Garfield.

Lasagna.

Oh, balls.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Goldberg!

Is Adam home?

Hey! It's Jackie!

Crazy girl! This is my house, not hers.

Stop talking.

Yeah, this one's hard to spin.

[Doorbell rings]

Trick or Treat.

You can just take two
and be on your way.

I don't want candy, Geoff.

I want to make this right.

Why?

You were very clear.
I'm an embarrassment.

Look, I know I hurt you...

but I was just lashing out

because I couldn't admit the truth...

I am embarrassed.

Of me.

Of what I've become.

A loser who peaked in high school.

Maybe you think
saying all that fixes this,

but it really doesn't.

I know.

But I'm hoping that going
with you to that dance does.

Depends.

[Hall and Oates' "You
Make My Dreams" plays]

You ready to make my dreams come true?

[Laughs] No.

[Laughs]

Darn it.

♪ What I want, you've got ♪

♪ And it might be hard to handle ♪

♪ But like the flame
that burns the candle ♪

♪ The candle feeds the flame ♪

Hi. We're here to pick up
our lying, deceitful daughter

who we stupidly trusted.

[Sighs] Guess you were right.

We're the bad parents.

Go ahead. Rub it in our hippie faces.

No, all I want to do is apologize.

Really? Why?

I was jealous.

I thought you were the better parents.

But both our kids are pretty great,

so maybe there's more than
one right way to raise them.

'Cause I realized as good
as we are with our own kids,

we're even better as a team.

We really are.

I wanted to see Arlo Guthrie.

What?

Yeah. At Woodstock!

But I had to work,

and all my friends got to
jam and dance and bongo.

Oh. That sucks, man. I'm sorry.

Eh, whattaya gonna do?

Well, Arlo's coming
to Philly next month.

I could get us some tickets maybe?

Maybe.

♪ You make my dreams come true ♪

So often, we're afraid of things

because they're different
from what we know.

But when we learn to embrace the unfamiliar,

that's when we can truly grow,

shed the old versions of ourselves...

and leave our comfort zone behind.

'Cause in the end, the
things that scare us the most

can bring us closer
than we ever imagined.

And that's when our
dreams really do come true.

♪ You make my dreams... ♪

_

[Suspenseful music plays]

Oh, no.

It's the keyboard, it's evil!

Aah!

Ohh.

Ohh. Oh. Bad dream.

Keg's kicked, pal.

Can you spot me a ride?

Oh. I guess that is
- the responsible thing to do

after you drank all of
these very real beers.

Uh, where do you live?

Paramus.

That's like two hours away!

Not if we make a pit stop in Secaucus.

I got to pick up my special
protein powder from my protein guy.

You're gonna like
that guy. He is ripped.

And then, we can go
see my Aunt Stephanie.

You're gonna like her. She's ripped.

Okay, look. The beer is fake.

You're fine.

Get home safe.