06x06 - Fiddler

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

I was obsessed with musical theater.

From "Jesus Christ Superstar"
to "Phantom of the Opera,"

I loved the stage.

At least, most of the time.

People, the moment has arrived.

My dearest theater students

and kids who do stage
crew for some reason...

I work best in the shadows.

No one cares, Dan.

This year, William Penn
Academy will be performing

the most important
musical of our time...

"Fiddler on the Roof"!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Meh.

"Meh"? Since when does Adam Goldberg

"meh" a musical?

Fiddler's just so heavy
and dreary and Russian.

I'm more into the happy
toe-tapping musicals,

like "Music Man" or "Pippin"

or not "Fiddler."

So, you're not gonna even audition?

I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye.

They're the power couple
of peasant Russia.

Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.

Sorry, girl. As long as
it's "Fiddler on the Roof,"

I ain't doing it.

You're doing it.

But you hate all musicals with
every fiber of your being.

Of course! They're long and boring,

and they're about cats
or painting wagons.

But "Fiddler on the Roof"? The best.

Well, it reminds me of
Pops' sad relatives

who visit us from the old country.

Their clothes are all schmutzy
and smell like turnips.

Adam, you have to do this play.

Our people have a few special
things we're all proud of...

Sandy Koufax, The Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr.,

and "Fiddler on the Roof."

Gah, fine!

I'll audition to be in
the chorus or something.

Absolutely not!

In my house, it's Tevye or nothing.

I don't want to be the lead!

You're gonna be Tevye, damn it!

Now put on my grandfather's
old Russian coat

and sing for me.

It's so heavy.

Like the weight of a man
with too many daughters.

How do I already smell? How?

That's the smell of greatness.

Now show me your shimmy.

I don't wanna shimmy.

Shimmy for your father,
damn it. Like this.

It's in our blood and our shoulders.

[SIGHS]

If that's how you shimmy, damn it,

we got to go back to fundamentals.

Come on, put your game face on. Do it!

Stop riding my back, man!

I'm doing my best.

Stop. What's going on in here?

Not now, Barry. Adam's form is off.

I got to coach some sense into the kid.

Sounds to me like a father
demanding perfection

and telling his son
he's not good enough.

That's exactly what's happening.

- Damn it, I want that!
- Why?

'Cause it's my dream
to have a sports dad

who spazzes out in the stands and

calls me a lazy failure

who needs to play harder.

Great. He's yours. Take him.

Oh, no. If we're gonna win this part,

we got to buckle down and dig in.

Fine, forget sports!

Whatever your dumb thing is, I'll do it.

It's "Fiddler on the Roof."

Great. I'll go on the roof
right now with a fiddle.

You don't even have one!

I'm gonna go bongo on the roof.
Where's the ladder?

- Do not get the ladder.
- Ladder it is.

Do not go in that garage and
touch my ladder, moron!

I mean it!

Too late, theater sports dad.

I'll send a rope down for my bongos.

[CLANKING]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was November st, -something,

and my mom and sister
were helping Geoff prep

for his SATs.

I failed, didn't I? Oh, God, I failed.

I'm not going to college!

I'm gonna live under a bridge,

and I'm gonna have to use
the wall as a bathroom.

Dude, I am here for you.

No matter how dumb
the test says you are.

BEVERLY: Okay, let's see.

You got...

, !

Babe, I am so sorr... Wait, what?

, ?! Holy poop!

Yeah, "Holy poop" is right.

I can go to college now!
And a wide variety.

Yes. Wow.

That's, like, a super good score.

Is it wrong? It must be wrong.

I mean, how is that possible?

Well, I mean, I get straight
As and I study all the time.

Wait, did you not know I was smart?

No! I mean, I do hear you
talk about homework a lot,

but all I see is your cute, dumb face.

Oh, young Geoffrey, your
mother is going to plotz.

Aside from grandchildren,

braggable SAT scores

are the greatest gift a child can give.

I know. I-I can for sure go to UCLA now.

Wait, but that UC is in LA.

And LA stands for Los Angeles.

It's where my dad went.

And doing what other
people want makes me happy

'cause I'm a pleaser.

Bye, babe. Love you.

, .

Holy [BLEEP]!

I can't believe this.

That stupid goof-ass genius
is gonna leave Philly

and never look back.

Oh, well, can you blame him?

Everybody in LA eats sushi

and has hair just like their dog,

and the cops are so nice
they can't solve crimes,

so Axel Foley helps 'em.

That's all from "Beverly Hills Cop."

Oh, such a good movie.

It has my name

and that Axel Foley has
an infectious giggle.

[IMITATES AXEL GIGGLING]

Stop talking about Axel Foley!

I will not let Geoff go to LA.

Oh, squishy...

some things are just
out of your control.

Not if I make sure he tanks those SATs.

Shame on you for even
thinking such a thing.

If it's one rule I live by,

it's that you can't
smother your loved ones.

Um, hello?

Remember, I wanted to apply
to college in California?

You tried to sabotage my SATs

by teaching me fake vocabulary words.

I swear on my life

nothing like that has
even remotely happened.

I came up with some more vocab
cards for you to memorize.

Thanks, Mom.

"Scubulence"?

Yep, my mom taught Erica

these absurd words

so she'd t*nk her test and never leave.

That's a weird word.

I have made enormous strides

as a human being and mama

over the past few years.

Truly, I have changed.

No, you haven't.

You've had the same
insane hair, sweaters,

and obsession with your kids

since forever.

Erica. One of my biggest regrets

was trying to fool you
with those fake SAT cards.

Trust me... do not
make the same mistake.

Damn it, you're right.

I can't do to Geoff what you did to me.

I could never stoop that low.

And yet, she did.

That day, my sister went
full Beverly Goldberg

to keep the love of her life close by.

Plorpf! Yes!

While my sister was ready to con Geoff,

I was trying to bargain
my way out of "Fiddler."

Mr. Goldberg, welcome to
what I can only assume

is the single most important
moment of your young life.

Um, I'm thinking this year
we don't do this dance

where I put you in the awkward position

of having to give me a good part

even though I can't sing or act.

But won't your mom just march
down here and yell at me

when I give you a lousy part

because of your screechy voice?

I give you my word,

this year there will be
no Beverly Goldberg.

I'm only here 'cause I
promised my dad I'd audition,

so just throw me a few lines
and I'll be on my way.

You got yourself a deal.

And so I hatched my plan...

- ... to half-ass my way through "Fiddler."
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Dude, I got Lazar Wolf,
the handsome town stud.

That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.

I'm the constable.

Six lines, no songs,
done by intermission.

Dream role.

Move. Move your tiny bodies.

Let's go. Hey!

Dad? What are you doing here?

Today's our big day!

I wanted to see our name
at the top of the roster.

It's more near the bottom,

but it's still a very meaty part...

- the constable.
- What?

We wanted Tevye or nothing.

Well... Matt Schernecke got it.

That scrub is Tevye?

He's got a warbly voice
and no stage presence.

What's that?

- Mazel Tov, kid.
- Way to go, Matt.

- Oh, okay.
- Don't worry, champ.

I'll get you that part if
it's the last thing I do.

No! Matt Schernecke is just

a boy with a kind spirit!

You do not do anything of the sort. I...

Y-You promise to me, sir.

% of this game is mental.

We're gonna go into Schernecke's head

and make him cr*ck.

You just learn the lines.

Me, I'll take care of Schernecke.

That day, my dad wasn't the only one

with a card up his sleeve.

"Torkulent"?

It means delighted and a little scared.

"Flimjam"?

To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern.

Man, I didn't know any
of these SAT words.

I'm so lucky I have you.

You really are. I'm a great person.

No, she's not.

- Mom!
- I'm sorry, Geoffrey.

As a yenta, I have to tell you,

she is trying to keep
you from going to UCLA.

C'mon, Erica would never do that.

Who you gonna believe?
Your adoring girlfriend

or this needy blond-helmeted
guilt monster?

You, obviously.

Our love is built on
an unbreakable trust

that I cherish more than...

Damn it, it's me!

I'm a terrible person,
and you should just

flimjam away from me as fast as you can.

Oh, my God.

My girlfriend would
actually t*nk my future

just to be with me?

You love me so much,
and I love you, too!

Did not see that coming.

Oh, man, I'd give anything for you

to come with me to California!

Wait, why can't I?

LA is the center of the music business.

They have a building
that looks like records.

Well, you can't come with me because...

Mom.

You said you've changed, right?

- Well, I have said that recently, yes.
- Then this is it.

I'm asking for your support on this,

and if you really have changed,
then there's no answer but yes.

[WHISPERS] It's a yes.

- What?
- Huh?

- [WHISPERS] Yes.
- What is that?

- I'm lost.
- [WHISPERS] Yes.

- Was that yes?
- [WHISPERS] Yes.

I think I heard it that
time. She said yes!

- Ahhh!
- [GIGGLING]

[NORMAL VOICE] See?
[CHUCKLING] Yes, I have...

I have changed.

I have changed so, so much, but, uh...

Oh, Pops!

He won't let you go.

Go? Where? W-W-What?

I-I just came in for an onion bialy.

Erica wants to move to LA.

LA?

Wow!

That's fantastic.

Hollywood is so magical.

- I'll for sure visit you.
- No!

- What?
- Huh?

Uh, to be clear, I have changed,

and I totally support you,

but, uh, your dad will not allow you

to move to LA without knowing a soul.

Well, actually, we have family there.

Aunt Selma, remember?

Wait, I have relatives there?

Yes, thank you, Dad.

Her daughter Marci's out there, too.

She... She's in advertising.

Thank you, Father. So helpful.

She does all those catchy
commercial jingles.

They pay very good money.

- So helpful, Dad.
- Holy crap!

I don't just have family
in LA... I have an in!

You should send her a tape

showing off your beautiful voice

- so she can hire you.
- What a great idea

no one asked you to suggest.

I'm gonna go record
some jingles right now.

I'm gonna go familiarize myself

with the Los Angeles freeway system.

♪ ♪

- [THUD]
- Yep, my mom was cornered

into acting like a changed mother.

Meanwhile, I was doing whatever I could

not to act in "Fiddler."

Channel the character. You're Tevye.

Take yourself there.

And... perform.

[SLURPING]

I'm having a hard time focusing.

Balls! My dad's here to rattle

- Schernecke's cage.
- Huh?

- What?
- You heard me. This is bad.

- [SLURPING CONTINUES]
- Mr. Goldberg,

if you're gonna watch rehearsal,

you have to respect my stage.

Sure. It's your team. Manage it.

All right. [SIGHS]

Take it from the top,
Matthew, all right?

Be Tevye.

Feel the burden of the humble dairyman

with five handsome daughters.

- Bah!
- Mr. Goldberg!

I'm sorry. I don't buy this

kid having five daughters. Do you?

Yes. I buy it... enough.

C'mon, the kid's a tomato can.

Can't hit the broad side of his mark.

This adult man is hurting my feelings.

Sack up, Schernecke.

You gotta have thick skin if you
want to make it in the big show.

Adam, is your dad gonna
be here the whole time?

I don't know, man. He
took the week off work.

The whole thing's been off
the rails from the start.

I just want my kid to
have a sh*t at the bigs.

Fine. If you pipe down,

I'll make him the understudy for Tevye.

Does that work for you?

So... that means I'll have no lines

and get to just hang in the wings?

'Cause yeah, that super works.

Whoo! It's on now!

You better watch your back, fake Tevye.

'Cause we're comin' for ya.

Dad, stop making veiled
threats to Matt Schernecke.

They're kind of not veiled at all.

I'm so sorry.

[SLURPING]

With her sights set on LA,

my sister prepped an epic audition

to get into the jingle business.

Hello and welcome, product
lovers of all ages.

Prepare to be delighted by
my delightful jingle medley.

I'm already delighted, but
I'm prepared for more.

♪ The best part of waking
up is Folgers in your... ♪

♪ Plop-plop, fizz-fizz,
oh, what a relief... ♪

♪ Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

♪ Gimme a break, gimme a break ♪

♪ What would you do-oo-ooh for... ♪

♪ An Oscar Mayer wiener... ♪

♪ By Mennen! ♪

♪ Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid... ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

Wow! I don't know what half of

those are selling, but I'm buying.

- Mom, what do you think?
- Please no!

- What?
- Ugh...

Got some bad news from
cousin Marci last night.

Just out of the blue like that?

You haven't talked in years.

Yeah, well, I've been missing her.

And it's a good thing I called, too,

because she told me that,
for legal reasons,

she can't listen to jingles
from existing products.

But I worked so hard on these.

I was gonna mail her a tape.

No! No, you can't.

It has to do with, uh, torts
and briefs and subpoenas.

I could've been a lawyer,
so it made sense to me.

Well, how am I gonna impress
her with my jingle voice

if I can't do any jingles?

Good news...

she... told me about some, uh...

new products that have
yet to be jingled.

Name it, and I'll sing it. Hit me.

Even though my mom swore she changed,

in the end, she couldn't help but lie.

Dr. Steinman's... Butt Grease.

I'm very curious about this product.

Dr. Steinman's a very
respected tushie surgeon.

He developed the healing
ointment himself,

and now he's sharing it with the world.

Steinman... I got to sing that?

It's not so easy on the ear.

It's not great.

But yet, the next one is even worse.

Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.

I don't want that product.

There's more.

Magellan's Ol' Fashioned Year Round Nog

for people who want eggnog,

but not just at Christmas.

I'd like a good 'nog in the summer.

Well, if it's up to me,
you're gonna get one.

And I know you can do it, schmoo.

And if not, you can
just live here forever.

We'll play it by ear.

Thanks for always being
there for me, Mom.

You're awesome.

Time to get jingling.

Okay, Adam, time to run
that choreography,

so give me the shimmy.

I was back at rehearsal,

but unfortunately, so was my dad.

Is that all you got, AG?

Put your bat on the ball.
Let the big dog eat!

When Matt's dad heard
I got the understudy,

he came to check out the competition.

Come on there, Matty boy.
Just how we practiced.

Turns out the only thing worse
than one sports dad is two.

First, they cheered.

- Come on, AG!
- Come on, now! Let's go.

- Go big or go home, Matty boy.
- Look alive!

- Then, they bragged.
- My son is a five-tool player.

He sings, dances, acts,
juggles, and mimes.

- Next came the insults.
- Give it a rest, Schernecke.

Your kid's no Tevye.

That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.

- What did you say?
- And then the head games.

Afraid we're gonna take
your spot in the rotation?

- 'Cause you should be.
- Oh, please.

Your son deedle dye-dles

when he should be dye-dle deedle-ing!

And finally, the gloves came off.

Stop kicking it on me first!

- [INDISTINCT ARGUING]
- Our dads suck.

They really do.

As our sports dads ruined theater,

Erica was rehearsing
songs for fake products

my mom lied to her about.

♪ It's for your bottom,
but it's the tops ♪

♪ Find happiness in just a glop ♪

♪ From Dr. Steinman to every shop ♪

♪ The one butt grease that never stops ♪

Wow. That is... shockingly good.

It's already stuck in my
head and driving me nuts.

You're a genius.

And that's not all!

♪ Pour it cold or drink it warm ♪

♪ It's like seafood in liquid form ♪

♪ It's Barnaby's, the juice of the sea ♪

Wow. You really worked hard on these.

Okay, there's gonna
be lines out the door

to drink that salty fish juice.

And this next one is dedicated to you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

No, it is.

You talked to Marci and made
all this happen for me.

You have changed, and I love you.

Just focus on the song.

♪ You gotta remember, 'nog
ain't just for December ♪

♪ You can 'nog all summer afternoon... ♪

- It's all a lie!
- What?

None of these products are real,

and frankly, I don't get
how you thought they were.

'Cause you swore it was
real and that you changed!

Okay, I'm sorry I freaked
out about you moving,

but good thing is,

I stopped before any damage was done.

But there was damage!

So much damage!

I sent these insane jingles to Marci.

- Wazzat?
- I sent her a cassette!

She's gonna think I'm some crazy person

who peddles weird oyster
water and all-purpose 'nog.

There is no going back from this.

Okay, Mama will fix it.

I'll call Marci and explain everything.

Sure, explain how it's my SATs

all over again, but worse.

Don't say that.

It's true.

For the first time since
dropping out of college,

I had hope.

Thanks a lot.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

My sports dad embarrassed
me in the theater world,

and I was ready to close the curtain.

Stupid heavy jacket
from the old country!

Whoaaa.

Everything okay, man?

No, Ruben Amaro Jr.,
everything's not okay.

What happened, bro?

You break up with that girl
who dated me freshman year?

No, and I'd prefer we not discuss that.

It's my dad. He insists on coming

to every single practice.

I hear ya. My dad comes
to every practice, too.

So you get how much it sucks.

No. My dad's my best friend.

I'm almost done, champ!

Let's warm up that arm before practice.

Be there in a minute, Pop.

Just talking to my ex-girlfriend's
little boyfriend here.

I love how you're always
there for everyone.

You taught me well, Dad.

I love you, son.

I love you more!

Wow. This is just like the total
opposite of my experience.

What can I say?

Ruben Sr. was an athlete himself,

so he knows how crazy
sports dads can get.

I re-gripped your bat, buddy.

Super thoughtful, Dad!

Yeah, last thing he wants
is for me to get burnt out

so I fake an injury or quit altogether.

You're right! I can
totally fake an injury!

I'll pretend I lost my
voice so I can't sing.

Wait, what sport do you play?

The greatest sport of all... theater.

Yeah, I kinda wish I knew
that before I got involved.

There you are, AG.

Come on, you got the call.
You're goin' in.

[HOARSELY] Bad news. Lost my
voice. Whatcha gonna do?

Hydrate it. Suck on a lozenge.

Get back out there!

Ruben, get away from
that demanding father.

- He'll k*ll your spirit.
- On it, Pop.

Who the hell's that?

That is the wonderful
father of Ruben Amaro Jr.

named Ruben Amaro Sr.,
and I wish that was us.

That is us! I'm here.

I'm trying to help you, you moron!

Well, you're not!

I hate this play, and now
I hate all musicals.

So thank you for taking my
favorite thing in the world

and ruining it.

[MIKE + THE MECHANICS'
"THE LIVING YEARS" PLAYS]

Schmoo?

Save your schmoos. I don't
want to hear it from you.

I just got off the phone
with cousin Marci.

Oh, God, well, what did you do now?

Nothing.

Apparently, Marci played
your jingles for her office,

and they loved 'em.

Thought it was a bold stunt.

Stunt?

You gave me those songs to make
me look like a crazy person.

Well, they don't need to know that.

That's great, but it doesn't
make up for the fact

that you sabotaged me and
you're never gonna change.

I know.

Truth is, I am a selfish,
scheming mama bear

who can't let her kids leave

because she loves them so damn much.

And the worst thing is,

I'll be like this 'til I'm years old.

If that's your way of saying
I'm sorry, it's not working.

[SIGHS] I knew you were gonna say that.

So I thought maybe some new
flash cards might help.

- ♪ Say it loud ♪
- _

[SCOFFS] Don't.

- ♪ Say it loud ♪
- _

♪ Say it clear ♪

Really not helping.

- ♪ Whoa-oh, say it clear ♪
- _

God.

- ♪ You can listen ♪
- _

Still a no.

- ♪ As well as you hear ♪
- _

"Rapplepop," really?

- ♪ It's too late ♪
- _

♪ It's too late ♪

Even if I'm in Los Angeles?

- ♪ When we die ♪
- _

♪ Whoa-oh, when we die ♪

- ♪ To admit ♪
- _

♪ We don't see eye to eye ♪

How did you know I was gonna ask that?

'Cause I know you better
than anyone, schmoo.

And the one thing about me
that'll never change...

is how much I rapplepop you.

♪ Between the present and the past ♪

[VOICE BREAKING] I
rapplepop you too, Mom.

♪ We only sacrifice the future ♪

♪ It's the bitterness that lasts ♪

Whatcha doing?

Thinking about joining
the baseball team.

All the dads there seem to
be very kind and supportive.

I deserve that.

If you're just gonna yell at me again...

I'm really not.

All I want is for you to follow me.

And for the first time ever,

my dad was the one who
shared a home movie with me.

♪ Say it, say it, say it loud ♪

Okay, what am I looking at?

Me.

You were in "Fiddler"?

I played Tevye.

I only auditioned because
my dad loved the play.

But Pop-Pop hates everything.

Not this.

He was so proud.

He would sit in the
front row every night.

And for the first time,

I felt close to the guy, you know?

So... that's why this
means so much to you?

I know it's stupid.

But I just wanted us
to have the same thing

I had with my dad.

In that moment, I realized why my father

became a crazed sports dad
when it came to "Fiddler."

He wasn't trying to live through me.

He was trying to connect
the only way he knew how.

And with a little perspective,

I finally understood just
how great of a play it was.

Sometimes, it's hard to understand

why the people we love
act the way they do.

But when you put your trust in them,

that's when the real
traditions come to life.

♪ Hey, so say it, say it, say it loud ♪

- ♪ ♪

- ♪ ♪

Okay, everyone shut your faces.

Dad, I've decided who I'm gonna

be in "Fiddler on the Roof"

so you can finally be

my sports theater Dad.

- His sports what?
- Don't ask.

I shall be Lazer Wolf.

Stop! The play's over!

Ahh. [CHUCKLES]

You're trying to motivate me.

Well, Lazer Wolf never quits
'cause he's got lasers!

Moron! Lazar Wolf is the
respected town butcher.

[HOWLS]

I don't know what any of that was.

It's for the best.