06x09 - Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

the biggest night for any
bride, besides the wedding,

was the bachelorette party.

Lashes were curled, hair was crimped,

sashes were sashed...

all to make it a night that the
bride-to-be would never forget.

Guys, it's so sweet you went
to all this trouble for me.

Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't,

you'd "never forgive us."

And then you said, "If you're
going to go to the trouble,

do everything I say."

Still, so sweet.

We totally went all-out.

I even packed us a naughty bag
of bachelorette nastiness.

Check it out, girlfriend.

Oh, n-n-n-never!

Bar, you need to chill.

All we're doing is going
for a little fondue

and a lot of karaoke.

Where there's music, there's dancing.

Will there be dancing
in a group setting?

- Someone tell me.
- What's happening?

As bridesmaids, you
are legally obligated

to form a protective dance
wall around the bride-to-be.

I thought our job was to,
like, catch the bouquet

and hook up with a random hot cousin.

Wrong! Now, everyone fall
into anti-grinding formation.

Let's practice.

Hey, I'm a local townie
looking for a good grind.

Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance."

But this is not safe.

Honestly, it's going to be fine.

Then you leave me no choice.

Attention!

I shall throw my own
wild bachelor party.

- Cool.
- Really?

- I trust you.
- Well, you shouldn't.

You should. You're never
gonna do better anyway.

Agreed. Time to go tell my best man

to plan a gnarly bachelor party

and also pick my best man.

♪

Adam, it's recently come to my attention

that I need a best man,
and I've made my choice.

Naked Rob, right?

He's the heart and soul of the JTP.

No, dummy.

It's you, 'cause you're my brother

and you mean the stupid world to me.

What?

Stop.

Don't make this all weird and tearful.

I-I just can't help it.

It's just such a
wonderful moment for us.

No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion,

'cause then I'll feel it, too!

[VOICE BREAKING] I just...

I have a brother who loves me so much.

It's true.

We got to do man stuff fast.

We can battle on my official

"Over the Top" arm-wrestling table.

[VOICE BREAKING] I'm gonna
break all the little bones

in your little bird hand.

Do it... right now.

Be Stallone. Go over
the top and pin my arm.

Oh, no!

Now we're just holding hands

and staring into each
other's teary eyes.

Your fingers are so
gently entangled in mine.

It's like you're my
missing puzzle piece!

I don't know where I stop
and where you begin!

No!

If you cry tears of love,
then I'll cry tears of love.

Oh, no! I hear crying.
I've got my first-aid kit.

What's wrong?

Barry asked me to be his best man!

- Oh, sweet God, no.
- I love this boy.

[VOICE BREAKING] I need to hug you
both as tight as I can right now.

- Hold me in your arms.
- Ohhhh.

[ALL SOBBING]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was December th, -something,

and my mom was dropping us off at school

in my dad's crappy old car.

At least, she was trying to.

Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.

Mwah, mwah. Go.

Be the amazing, delicious
boys I birthed you to be.

Damn it!

You know this door doesn't
open from the inside.

You got to get out and open it.

Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.

Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.

Daah!

The door's bungee-d shut

'cause Dad slammed it too
hard after the Eagles lost.

- Oh, poop!
- [HORN HONKS]

No, you don't get out. They get out.

If I don't get out, they can't get out.

I'm sorry. I had to take
Murray's car today.

I don't need your
backstory, Norman Mailer.

- Just get 'em out.
- Damn it, Murray!

All right, we got a two-minute limit.

You're gonna have to
circle back around. Next!

I am not getting back in that line.
Look at how long it is.

It's that long because of you!

Mom, let us out!

Boys, just climb out the
window. Go, go, go!

[HORN HONKING]

Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!

I got to see what I'm landing on.

I don't want to get a gravel rash.

All right, this circus
act is unacceptable.

Oh, no! My glasses!

Forget 'em. You got four other senses.

Wait. My Toaster Strudel.

I'll drop it off later.

It's fine. I'll just
"Dukes of Hazzard" it.

Oh, Barry, no. Do not "Dukes
of Hazzard" the window.

Too late!

[GROANS]

You need a new car.

Ah, again with this?

My car works just fine. Tell her, Bill.

This kind of feels like one
of those lose-lose situations

I'd rather not be involved in.

Too late. You're going with us.

You're gonna be a bad influence

and goad him into spending some money.

How about this? We compromise.

I replace the door handle,
and boom! Everybody wins!

Forget the door handle.

You've been driving the same
car since our first date.

So it's got sentimental
value. You get it.

You're getting a new car.

♪

- [THUD]
- Hey!

Time to talk bachelor party, best man.

Last night, I taped a movie off
Cinemax starring Tom Hanks

that forever changed my life...

"Bachelor Party."

My dad said that movie
was a raunchy shlockfest

that celebrates the
lowest form of comedy.

Your dad knows his stuff.

It is brilliant, and I want
it to be the blueprint

for my zany bachelor party.

What exactly do you mean by "zany"?

I'm talking about a giant
rager in a hotel suite

with sketchy babes,

unruly Japanese businessmen,

and a beer-guzzling
mule that passes out.

That sounds very adult.

Exactly!

Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid

who's stupidly getting married.

But this party will
prove I'm a dumb adult

who's stupidly getting married.

That logic kind of tracks.

Thank you, David Kimberly.

You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"?

I'm certain of it.

Get to party planning, boys.

No pressure, but my whole
marriage depends on it.

Don't worry. I will not rest

'til I throw you the bachelor
party in "Bachelor Party."

[CHEERING]

You can't throw him this bachelor
party in this movie, man.

- You can't do it.
- I know, Dave Kim.

There's so much bad language
and full-frontal shenanigans.

I know, Dave Kim!

Why would boyishly lovable Tom
Hanks agree to be in this?

He's done. He'll never work again.

I know, Dave Kim!!

Barry said his marriage hinges on this!

What are you gonna do, bro?!

I don't know, Dave Kim. I don't know.

That day, the only thing harder

than throwing Barry a bachelor party

was getting my dad to buy a new car.

Howdy, folks. Welcome to
Calabasas Family Auto.

Hey, I'm gonna kick things off
with a friendly ice breaker.

Are any of you guys cops?

- No... ?
- Perfect!

Hey, this handsome young guy looks like

he's looking for
something sporty, right?

- Not even a little.
- Okay.

- Please don't touch me.
- Sounds like a plan.

Actually, I dragged him here.

He needs a new car.

Well, I can tell just
from the look of you

that you only settle for the best.

- Am I right?
- You are not.

Save your spiel for the other suckers.

I'm just here for a new handle.

Murray, look at me

and hear the words of a woman
who was banned from carpool...

you're getting a car today.

Any car. I don't even care
what it is at this point.

My God, Mur-man!

You're such a cheap bastard,

your wife has completely given up

and letting you get
whatever car you like.

No, no. Now, let's respect
your sensible pal

and his sensible choices.

Allow me to show you to
our finest door handles,

which are just past the
luxury sports cars.

Don't let them seduce you.

Ah, let me make this easy on you, okay?

No, no, no...

never.

In that moment, my dad
would ask a question

that would change the course of history.

What's that?

That, my friend, is the Bitter.

It's Austrian. So very rare.

Kind of looks like a Ferrari.

- I really loved those as a kid.
- Come on, Murray.

For once in your life,
just treat yourself.

And what a treat!

Hey, Mur! Individual seat heaters!

You know what they call that?
"The marriage saver."

Maybe if I had these bun toasters,

I'd still be married. [LAUGHS]

Who am I kidding?

We had separate bedrooms,
only said hi in the hallway.

But come on!

Ah, [BLEEP] it!

Aw, don't let your sad pal sell you

on this marvel of modern engineering

that happens to go from zero to
in only . seconds flat.

That is fast.

That's because there's a V- engine

and horses under the hood.

That's a lot of ponies running wild.

I call 'em ponies, too, and
nobody ever gets that.

I'm starting to think that
this thing is meant to be.

She is a beauty.

So? What do you think?

Do we have ourselves a sale?

Here's the thing.

I'm a simple man.

I-I don't need fancy things.

I just need, uh...

a new door handle.

Fine. Follow me to Parts.

So close.

Disappointed!

And so, my dad's car troubles were over.

Little did he know, my mom
was about to switch gears.

♪

Morning, sunshine.

What the hell did you do?

You may refuse to treat yourself,

but I can still treat you.

Oh, you should see the
look on your face.

[CHUCKLING] Seriousl...

Hey, don't shut the door on me.

It's the Ferrari of Austria, Murray!

Lose yourself in luxury!

Damn, Murray, take the car!

Meh!

BARRY: Okay, best man.

Take us through my epic
adult-man bachelor party.

TOGETHER: Adult-man bachelor party!

Strap yourselves in, boys.

First, we kick it off at
the Willow Grove Mall

with a fun night of Skee-Ball and more

- at Challenges Arcade.
- Question.

Does the "more" include
nudity and/or keg stands?

TOGETHER: Nudity and/or keg stands!

It does not.

But it does include
unlimited tokens, air hockey,

and a private party room
featuring a Cookie Puss cake.

Question.

In this said private party room,

will there also be a stolen Porsche

and/or a drunk donkey?

TOGETHER: And/or drunk donkey!

No. But fear not,

'cause I did book us a mini-horse

that we can pet and be
like, "Look! A mini-horse."

Dude! I asked for a
crazy rager fit for men.

You're just throwing me a
lame kid's birthday party.

Maybe that's 'cause I am a kid.

Then I hereby fire you as best man

and demote you to regular man.

No. Please don't make me just regular.

JTP, you're my new best man.

- TOGETHER: New best man!
- Adam, vacate the presenting area.

Let's hear it, boys. What do you got?

Bro, if you want an
adult-man bachelor party,

then we are gonna go extreme!

I say we kick off the
night in a badass arcade

with some high-octane Skee-Ball!

High-octane. Now we're talking.

Followed by some extreme
arcade gameplay,

totally balls out and wild!

That is balls out. You guys just get it.

Then we kick it up to the max
with a monster mini-horse

and a no-holds-barred cake made
of insanely cold ice cream!

- This is insane. All of it.
- Dude!

They just said the exact
same stuff as me,

only they're shouting and
using fancier adjectives.

- Sorry.
- Nailed.

- Yeah. We're kids, too.
- Fine! Adam's best man again.

- No!
- Damn it!

Dude, this is an emotional
roller coaster.

How hard is it to throw me
a gnarly bachelor party

that proves I'm a gnarly
adult ready for marriage?

Honestly, none of us can throw
you that kind of party.

But lucky for you, I know a guy
who specializes in gnarly.

And that guy was none other

- than our party animal uncle, Marvin Goldberg.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

I heard somebody's in the market
for a gnarly bachelor party.

Now, tell me, on a scale from to ,

how gnarly?

- ?
- .

I heard and . That's .

Out of my way, boys!

Turns out, it was gonna be

- a big, gnarly mistake.
- Yeah.

Even though my mom treated
my dad to a new Bitter,

it just made him more bitter than ever.

I mean it, Bevy. I'm
returning that damn car.

The last thing I need is
the Ferrari of Austria.

Sure you do.

Those people make a quality product.

They gave us the boomerang
and Crocodile Dundee.

It's Austria, not Australia.

My God. Just... let
me handle this, okay?

Murray, please. Just take
the Bitter for a spin.

Look! I got you driving gloves.

I don't want to wear
gloves while I drive.

What am I? The Equalizer?

Come on, Murray. Sporty new gloves

for your sporty new car.
Just drive the thing.

Oh, I'll drive the thing...

right back to that shyster's car lot.

At least, that was my dad's plan...

- [HORN BEEPS]
- ... until this happened.

- What?
- Like the car. What is it?

- It's a Bitter.
- Never seen one. Where's it from?

Austria. Very rare.

Kind of looks like a
Ferrari. Love those cars.

Yeah, Ferraris are okay.

Yeah. Well, thanks for
letting me look at it.

Yep. That first car compliment
made my dad feel pretty good.

And by the tenth, he was riding high.

Hey. What kind of car?

Uh, it's a Bitter.

Austrian. Very rare.

At first, I thought it was a...

Oh, Ferrari. Yeah. It gets that a lot.

Also, Austria isn't the place
with the boxing kangaroos.

That's Australia.

See? I'm growing, too.

You know, it's funny. When I drive it,

I feel like I'm standing
out, but not in a bad way.

Murray, do you feel special?

Yeah. I-I guess. I-I do feel special.

You are special,

and for once in your life,
you deserve special things.

Ah, screw it! I'm a Bitter man now.

Yep, that crazy foreign car

made something even crazier happen...

it made my dad start to
embrace feeling special...

- [ENGINE REVS]
- ... for about seconds.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

[ENGINE SPUTTERS, STOPS]

[HORN BLARING]

Gentlemen, thanks for coming
to Barry's bachelor party.

[LAUGHTER]

Adam, cue the mind-blowing visuals!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Philadelphia, known
for the Liberty Bell,

South Street,

and the world's greatest cheesesteaks.

But tonight, none of that
matters not one damn bit.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What?

But you made me go around the city

taking photos of that stuff.

It's for dramatic effect, man...

which I achieved.

Because tonight, there's only
one landmark that matters...

Delaware County's wildest dance club,

- Pulsations!
- [MUSIC RESUMES]

ALL: Whoa!

We're talking , -square-foot
dance floor,

wall-to-wall babes,

lasers, smoke machines,

giant speakers that guarantee
permanent hearing loss,

and a sentient party robot
that came to get down.

Seriously? They have a party robot?

- [PROJECTOR CLICKS]
- Little fun fact... it's the same robot

they cast in "Rocky IV"
as Paulie's robo-butler.

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Ooh!

And now, in your envelopes,

you will find Binaca
spray, Mexican pesos,

anti-venom, and fake IDs.

Sweet! I'm a -year-old organ
donor named Enzo Pinetti.

George P. Shultz?

Isn't he, like, Secretary of State?

Yeah... maybe you want
to tuck your shirt in.

Philippe Tallahassee? Sounds
totally made up, bro.

Not as made up as Abner Q. Cheeseburger.

Of German descent. It's
perfectly plausible.

Yeah, okay. This whole night
sounds a little intense.

Trust me, Cheeseburger. You'll be fine.

If not, the safeword is "apricot."

- Thanks, but no, thanks.
- I'm going home.

Guys, this terrifying
journey to adulthood

is exactly what I need.

Just like Tom Hanks in "Bachelor Party,"

this will finally get
me ready for marriage.

Now we're starting to
make some good decisions.

Okay, now let's go over what to expect

in the VIP room at ♪ Pulsations! ♪

BARRY: Yes!

- [GROANING]
- Apricot! Apricot!

Help! What? N-No!

Yeah, this thing's never driving again.

Never? Like never ever?

Yeah. Not sure if you know this.

This is a Bitter... Austrian, very rare.

Yeah. We're aware.

- Can't you just fix it?
- Well, I mean, here's the thing.

If you have a car there's only one of,

I mean, it ain't easy to get parts.

There's legitimately
none in this country.

So, what you're saying is,

I splurged on something nice for myself,

and the very next day,
it's broken forever.

Yeah, that's exactly the case.

Your fault!

No! I saw the way you were
looking at the Bitter.

You wanted the Bitter.

You're a Bitter man, remember?

I am a bitter man.

I'm bitter to have a
broken car in my driveway

mocking me for the rest of my life.

Angry!

While my dad was accepting his fate,

- Barry was ready for his destiny.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

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Dude! Where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

But I gave you exactly what you wanted.

I...

I thought I wanted it, but...

all it made me realize is I'm
not ready for any of it.

♪

After the Bitter had broken,

it left my dad bitter and broken.

Can you believe that woman?

"Treat yourself, Mur."

Who says that to a husband? Who?

Dear Lord! This is so infuriating,

it makes me wanna punch a wall.

Aw, pal, I really
appreciate the support.

Wait, you think I'm on your side?

Aren't you?

No! You make me want to
punch a wall, not her!

You're my best friend.

You're supposed to blindly
agree with anything I say.

No. Beverly is a saint.

Last I heard, my wife is
somewhere in the Southwest.

That's not even a state.

That's just a region of the country.

I can't get her on the phone.

There's not even an area code.

I ate a banana for dinner
three times last week.

When I don't brush my
teeth, nobody cares.

We all got stuff.

Not you.

Your wife cooks for you,
she appreciates you.

She wants you to be happy.

My wife is a ghost in the wind.

Sometimes I talk to an old sock
of hers when I feel lonely.

So, you're not gonna side
with me on this, are you?

Hell no!

And you're gonna make this right for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home and peel my dinner.

- [THE CARS' "JUST WHAT I NEEDED" PLAYS]
- It finally dawned on my dad.

He had a wife who would do
anything to make him happy.

As for my brother, when
it came to marriage,

he didn't know what to feel.

Got you some Cookie Puss, buddy.

Forget it. Party's over, dude.

Look.

♪ 'Cause when you're
standing oh so near ♪

You may have hated your adult party,

but that doesn't mean you're
not ready to be an adult.

Of course it does.

I mean, look at me. I
haven't grown up at all.

Well, I may be the least
mature human on the planet,

but the one thing I know

is that the way you
love and treat Lainey,

that's as grown-up as it gets.

Thanks, Ad Rock. Means a lot.

Just doing my job as best man.

You're more than my best man.

You're the best brother
a guy could ask for.

Come on! We agreed no feelings
or crying or hugging.

No, seriously.

You really did throw me

the bachelor party of my dreams...

even if it was a total nightmare.

Well, it doesn't have to be.

Come on. The bachelor party's over.

Didn't you learn
anything from Tom Hanks?

The party's over when we say it is.

♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪

So, at the end of the
day, Barry never got

the wild bachelor party
he thought he wanted.

Instead, he got a night
he'd never forget.

'Cause the truth is,

just when you think you're
ready for the next level,

it's okay to just be in the
moment and have a little fun.

Sure, that might not
be right for everyone,

but for my brother, it
was just what he needed.

♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪

♪ Just what I needed ♪

Uh, I-I hope you don't mind.
I need to use the car.

Sorry. I got to make the returns.

You also...

♪ Just what I needed ♪

... didn't get to go on a picnic.

Murray, what are you doing?

I'm just trying to make
things right with us.

And Bill. Uh, don't ask.

But why? You were right.
It was my fault.

I'm the one who forced you into the car,

thinking it would make you happy.

Look.

I don't need nice things to be happy.

I've already got the nicest
thing in the world...

you.

Aww, Mur.

Yeah, my mom and dad may not
have always seen eye-to-eye,

but what really mattered

was that they had each other's backs.

That's the thing about the people

we choose to spend our life with.

In the end, they're all
we need to get by.

And, when it came to
that busted-down Bitter,

it really did sit in
our driveway forever.

But it didn't matter,

because every time my dad saw it,

he was reminded that he already
had the greatest gift of all...

a person to spend his life with.

["JUST WHAT I NEEDED" CONTINUES]

_

♪

_

- [DING!]
- _

- [DING!]
- _

Off-campus lunch is a go, boys.

We've got minutes

to make it to Jim's Steaks and back.

Let's ride.

Wait. I thought your dad
sold his crappy old Tercel.

He bought it back 'cause
his new sports car

was even crappier than this crap box.

Uh, bro, the door won't open.

That's 'cause it's been
permanently busted.

You just got to "Dukes of Hazzard" it.

- [GRUNTS]
- ALL: Ooh!

Need more of a head start.

- [ALL GASP]
- Took my eye off it.

- [ALL GROAN]
- Who moved the car?

J...

T...

- P!
- TOGETHER: JTP?

- General Lee!
- Okay.