05x00 - The Goldbergs: 1990-Something

[bunniefuu]

I make this look good.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

Adult Felicia: Ah, the ' s.

It really was the last great decade.

Forrest was running,
Cobain was strumming,

and Shaq was dunking.

America was getting online,

and the world seemed
so exciting and new.

♪ Give me the music ♪

Even education was changing,
thanks to trailblazers

like John Glascott.

Running a school was his dream,

and his new ideas were truly expl*sive.

Oh, dangit!

[Groans]

Oh, wait, it's invisible. [Chuckles]

- [Scatting] Is he in?
- Don't care.

Uh, Ms. Cheevers, you
can't let just anyone

barge into my office.

Hey! Day one, and here you are.

- What happened to your door?
- Oh. I had Stanley remove it.

It's part of my "open door" policy.

Even the bathrooms?

What if someone has to go poo- poo?

Oh. No, no, no, just my door.

Oh, God, I hope Stanley understood that.

Well, good luck.

I just came to say my final
farewell and give you this.

Oh, it's...

your kids?

It's for your Wall of Fame.

We don't have a Wall of Fame.

Ms. Cheevers, make a Wall of Fame.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

Of course, not everyone embraced change,

especially this guy, Rick Mellor.

He was your classic gym coach

whose shorts were short
and whose wisdom ran deep.

There's no "triumph"
without "try," so try harder!

Never give up, unless it's a
seat to an old lady on a bus!

There's nothing sweeter
than the taste of victory...

except for flan.

Even though Coach was stuck in his ways,

you could always count on him
to inspire and protect you.

Whoa.

Nobody hit the blonde lady.

Coach, you are as fine a
gentleman as you are an athlete.

Well, kindness is just another
muscle, and I keep it jacked.

These kids are lucky to have you,

which is why I made you this,

a little something to remember me by.

Wow. I feel like a dodgeball
just hit me in the heart.

Everybody's moving
on, getting promotions,

and I'm still just the gym teacher.

Hey, just because they
made Glascott head of school

doesn't mean the kids still
don't need their favorite coach.

You're right. No matter what,
I'm about doing what I love,

and that's inspiring
kids to be their best

so they can reach
their greatest heights.

Uh, Coach? I can't get down.

Not with that attitude!
I believe in you!

He's been up there over an hour.

[Thud]

It's gonna be a great
year, Rick. I can feel it.

Well, ball's in your hands.
I hope you don't choke.

Are you kidding? I've been waiting

for this moment my whole life.

I'm gonna turn this school into a Mecca

of education and respect.

Isn't that your Toyota
Tercel over there?

Oh, no, somebody vandalized
Burgundy Lightning!

Silly kids and their silly string.

Nailed it! Let's get to learning!

God help us all.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

It was September , - something.

Time for John Glascott

to make the impact he always dreamed of.

Which is why it is my pleasure
to officially introduce

my replacement, John Glascott.

[Applause]

First on the agenda is, this
is the rocking ' s, people.

Education is evolving, and we
teachers, we need to be ready.

- What's going on here?
- Here's what's happening, Doc.

No more throwing chalk at
students in science class

because, you know, it
traumatizes the children.

That's why I do it.
Fear stimulates the mind.

No! These kids need to
feel nurtured and secure.

And also, from now on, we
can no longer play favorites.

And, yeah, I'm looking
at you, Susan Cinoman.

What are you implying?

I'm implying that you cast the
same old suck up theater kids

into all the best parts.

Oh, well, guilty as charged.

You about done, boss
man? I got balls to pump.

Oh, about that, Coach? From
now on, my kids will be playing

safer games, like badminton
and square dancing,

instead of the more mean, cruel games,

like dodgeball and dodgeball.

Are you nuts? High octane contact sports

are the best way to
turn kids into winners!

Hey, if Mellor's not gonna change,

I'm gonna keep whapping those
little chatterboxes with chalk.

If he gets to throw chalk,
then Josh Terissi gets the lead.

That kid was born to play a singing cat.

[Chatter] Okay, look.

I want every child here to feel valued,

which is why we'll be starting a weekly

"All School Community
Share Session" in the gym.

You mean a pep rally?

Oh, no, it's not a pep rally, Coach.

This is an open forum for students...

[Snorts] ...to celebrate,

reflect, and bond.

Hot dog! A pep rally! I'm in!

No, no, no! It's not a pep rally.

We'll steal Central's goat mascot,

and we'll make a straw
dummy of its quarterback,

and we'll hit it with a stick!

[Cheering] No. b*ating things with
sticks has no place in a share session.

[School bell rings]
Great meeting, everybody!

[Cheering]

Come back, everybody!
It's not a pep rally!

This school is doomed. [Door closes]

Don't worry, Earl. I give you my word.

I am % dedicated to this school.

- Your sister called.
- I have to leave the school.

But when I return, then it's %.

And so the new head of
school left his work family

to see his real family
which was me,

his niece, Felicia.

Back then, I was the
perfect storm of bad grades,

bad decisions, and even worse attitude.

And that's my mom, Lucy.

Tough, strong, and raising
two girls on her own.

Sir, you cannot put

"Shaggin' Wagon" on a license plate.

- Come on. I pay taxes.
- I doubt it.

The woman refused to
ask anyone for help.

But today, she was desperate.

John, I called you over an hour ago!

I know. I'm sorry.

Felicia got suspended from school.

Already? How's that possible?

She got caught selling term papers.

It's the first day of school.

They don't even have homework yet.

Hey, Urkel. No cuts.

I've been waiting like two hours.

I'm sorry, sir, but what number are you?

.

[Ding!]

That's right. You got me mad.

You piss me off again, I'm
gonna lose your paperwork,

even though I have it right here.

Thank you so much for this.
Can you drive Felicia home?

Because I have to work until :

and then go back and pick Gigi up.

Sure. Also, please try and

talk some sense into her.

This clearly seems
like personal business.

And you're clearly
never gonna drive a car,

so start thinking about
what color bicycle you want.

[Sighs] Mom called you?

- Yes.
- I don't need a lecture.

Lecture? Hey, it's me, Cool Ol' Uncle J.

[Chuckles] The guy who
bought your first Prince album

and took you to see "The
Exorcist" when you were .

Yeah, that was fun,

even though I didn't
sleep for six months.

Yeah, it was incredibly
terrifying and about the devil.

It's just a stupid suspension.
It's not a big deal.

You know what I think?

I think you're angry
because of the divorce.

I mean, I warned your mom. You
don't marry a roadie named Bong.

I appreciate the weird pep
talk, but I don't need a dad.

I've told you, "Sit down

and think of something
shorter and less freaky. "

I'll see you in six hours.

As Uncle J watched my mom
happily destroy people's souls,

he got an idea that
changed our family forever.

Come work in my office!

Aw, that's sweet, but I got a job.

At the DMV?

Look, I've been in here five minutes

and my soul is dead literally, dead.

But if you work at my school,

your girls can go there for free.

It's a fresh start.

With my know- it- all
big brother judging me,

trying to fix my life? No way.

Then don't do it for
you. Do it for your kids.

I've got this, John. I'll figure it out.

Hey, Uncle J. I don't
need a ride anymore.

Got you covered, bro.

Unh unh, missy.

I'm coming to work for you.

My mom changed our whole lives
to get me on the right track...

Bye, girls!

...and it was a frigging nightmare.

That's my little sister, Gigi.

She was always picked on
for being happy, positive,

and socially awkward.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Uncle J. I'm super pumped
to make new best friends.

I love you, but don't
talk to me till I graduate.

Hey! Someone's gonna
have to look out for Gigi.

And lucky for her, she
gets to go to high school

with her mommy.

Bye. I'm gonna run ahead
and go put up fliers

- for my Happy Harmony Club.
- Your what, now?

I'm starting an a cappella club
that sings Backstreet Boys only.

[Sighs]

Don't worry. Everyone's gonna be fine.

Let's get to work.

You're right. What's first?

I need you to fire a
mean, old white lady.

Yeah, okay.

And so my mom became Uncle J's
gatekeeper at the front desk.

Every school has one, the
eyes and ears of the place.

And she was damn good at it.

If you're leaving on the :
bus, you'd better get out there.

Stop lying to yourself, Ms. Larkin.

Tyler doesn't have a tummy
ache. He's got an algebra test.

You are way too good for Todd.

Now, stop feeling sorry for
yourself, knot up that shirt,

and go flirt with his best friend.

Turns out, seven years at the DMV

taught my mom how to
bring the hammer down,

which came in handy
with a guy like Coach.

Hey now! You can't just take those!

Head of school says,
"No more dodgeball. "

You can't just take my
balls. Those are my balls.

[Laughs] Not anymore.

Yep, things were looking up.

She took my balls.

Mom started to think
working for her big brother

wasn't gonna be a complete disaster.

- This is a disaster!
- What?

Of all the kids, she found the bad ones,

and impressively quick.

- Who are they?
- Tree people.

[Gasps] [Gasps] Don't do that!

Who are tree people?

A bunch of jokers and tokers

who spend their lunch
hacky sacking to Soundgarden.

That's their leader, Mike Stamm,

although I don't know
that sourpuss with him.

- That's my daughter.
- She's lovely.

Luce, she's only acting
out to express a need.

You need to give her space
to communicate her feelings.

She doesn't need feelings.

She needs competition
to build character.

There's nothing like the feel
of a trophy in one's hand.

That's old fashioned thinking, Rick.

In my school, everyone is
a winner, even if they lose.

But if you lose, you're a loser.

With me in charge,
everyone gets a trophy.

But the losers can't win a
trophy. That makes no sense.

It makes sense because everyone wins.

- Are you two done?
- What if the winners get a giant,

golden trophy and the losers
get a small, crappy one?

The winners get what the losers get.

But how will the winners
rub it in the losers' faces

if everybody's got the
same crappy, little trophy?

Forget about the damn trophies!

What are we gonna do about Felicia?

Okay, let me handle this.

Okay, I need six gallons of Gatorade

and I need my sack of dodgeballs back.

No. All Felicia needs is real trust

and space to find her own way.

[Sighs]

I'm gonna go with my brother on this.

All right. You win this
round, "My brother. "

You do know I'm her
actual brother, right?

I did not.

But you mark my words,
this is far from over.

Pretty sure it's over.

Not until I prove my way of
teaching is better than yours.

Do not prove that.

- Challenge accepted!
- There is no challenge.

May the best man win!

Which is everyone,
because we're all winners!

That makes no sense!

By the end of the week, I
was leader of the tree people

while Gigi was in a club all by herself.

Hey, guys!

I was wondering if anybody wants
to join my Happy Harmony Club.

Sign me up. My name's Pat McGroin.

[Laughter] Wow! Thanks, Patrick!

Oh, my God, there's no
Pat McGroin. Just go.

[Laughter] Oh, um, okay.

Sorry to bother you.

Class. Now.

[Sighs] What is your glitch?

My glitch?

I thought I told you to
look after your sister.

And go down in flames with her? Pass.

You know, you're
making it very difficult

for me to give you space here.

Well, let me help you with that. Bye.

At least take off that nasty flannel!

There. You got your dodgeballs back.

But in return, you
have to save my daughter

from the tree freaks.

What? I thought you
bought into all that stuff

about rainbows and ponies and trust.

Hey, should we be standing
here? That kid has a javelin.

Oh, please. Look at his
noodle arms. We're fine.

Here's the thing, John can't
know I came to you for help.

I swear to keep it between us.

Besides, I have literally
no one else to tell.

So, what's the plan?

I've got a whole sack
of plans right here.

Let the healing begin.

Whoa! [Gasps]

Good job, Horowitz!

Have at it!

Last thing I ever thought
I'd do was play dodgeball.

Oh, hell no!

But Coach was always one step ahead.

In that moment, I let
everything go

My troubles at school,
my weird little sister,

my parents' divorce
and it was awesome.

N o o o o!

♪ Check out the hook
while my DJ revolves it ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪ [Whistle blows]

All right, that's game.

New girl, huddle up.

Now, tell me, how did that feel?

Honestly [Chuckles] fan frickin tastic.

You know, our softball
team could use a player

- with a g*n like yours.
- Yeah?

I don't know. Um, I'll think about it.

Until then, game on.

[Whistle blows] ♪ Rollin' in my . ♪

[Balls bouncing] ♪ Put my
ragtop down so my hair can blow ♪

What the...?

I'd know that painful,
rubbery sound anywhere.

Somebody's dodging balls!

Ohh!

Ow! Cody! I know you
did that on purpose!

Hey, Uncle J, you come to
watch me kick some butt?

I thought I said, "No more dodgeball. "

But it did the trick.

For the first time, I saw Felicia smile.

I told you not to get involved.

But I did, which means
I win the challenge,

and you get no trophy.

There is no challenge.

Says the loser.

For the last time, I'm in charge,

you whistle toting ding dong!

Don't you dare bring
my whistle into this.

You wear it everywhere! It's weird!

I saw you at the mall with it.

You want to talk about weird?

You're wearing a sweater vest

and it's degrees out, you cheeseball!

My middle body gets cold.

You're just ticked because
my methods work with Felicia.

They should have given me that job,

not some touchy feely pushover.

You're fired!

Who's the pushover now?

After giving Mellor
the boot, Uncle J knew

the faculty would be shaken,
and so he pulled a baller move

and brought them all to the
hottest spot of the ' s

Planet Hollywood.

Hey, boss. Hmm?

Great place for a faculty mixer.

Yeah, I know.

I heard Bruce Willis
maybe once ate here.

Listen, I got a work question.

Let's say I had a kid,
he's chewing gum in class.

Can I throw something at his body, soft,

like a sponge or a chair?

- Uh, no.
- What about a shoe?

- No.
- Beanie baby?

- No.
- Abacus?

- No.
- Octopus?

Mnh mnh. [Growls]

Let's not talk shop, pal.
Okay? It's been a long week.

Sorry I'm late. I went to
the other Planet Hollywood.

The closest one to here is Orlando.

Uh huh.

Where's, uh, Coach Mellor?

Glascott gave him the axe.

- What?
- Man has gone mad with power.

I mean, I had to cast a bunch
of tone deaf losers in "Cats. "

One kid is in a back brace. I
mean, that's not very cat like!

I'm gonna walk away now.

It's that kind of show. It
brings things up for people.

[Sighs heavily]

You fired Mellor?

Yeah. He forced Felicia into
a life of physical fitness.

That's because I told him to, dummy!

I thought you finally
agreed to take my advice?

I can't just trust
Felicia. It's ridiculous.

This is so typical.

I do everything I can to help you,

but you just refuse to accept it.

I never asked you to save me, John.

You just insist on it because
you think you're better than me.

Yeah, well, here we
are now, all grown up,

and your life is still a mess.

And yours is just so perfect.

You live in a one bedroom condo
with a parrot for a roommate.

Don't you dare bring
Feather Locklear into this.

She has been nothing but nice to you.

I hate that bird!

Well, I'm sorry my life
is such a joke to you.

And I'm sorry that I ever took this job.

[Music playing]

Despite the many setbacks,
Uncle J had not given up

his dream of creating
a supportive school.

Thank you, and welcome to our first ever

"All School Community Share Session"!

[Metallic scraping]

[Grunting]

Oh, bad timing.

Just clearing out my office.
Should I, uh, come back or...

No, just get it over with.

[Sighs]

[Metallic scraping resumes]

Phew. Okay. Time for the
sharing and the caring to begin.

Quakers rule!

[Cheering] [Band plays]

No. Stop. Please, no
lively marching band.

This is not a pep
rally, people. [Feedback]

Fighting Quaker, be still!

That's detention, you goofy bastard!

No, there is no
detention. Sit down, Doc.

Okay, who's ready to come up here

and share their specialness?

Me!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Come on, Gi!

Hi. I'm Gigi Somers, founder
of the Happy Harmony Club.

We still need lots of members,

so I thought I'd come up here

and show you what we're all about.

You've got to stop this.

No. This is her passion.

We have to support
it and believe in her.

[Off key] ♪ You are ♪

♪ My fire ♪

- ♪ The one desire ♪
- You have got to stop this!

That's what I just said. John,
they're gonna eat her alive.

You suck! [Laughter]

Oh, no. The eating has begun.

[Timidly] ♪ But we ♪

♪ Are two worlds apart ♪

It's okay. I'm a teacher.
I know how to salvage this.

Rick, Rick. How's your singing voice?

- It's amazing.
- Come back me up.

- You fired me.
- There's a kid in trouble.

You, more than anyone else,
knows that comes first.

Always.

We going shirts or no shirts?

I don't even understand the question.

♪ Tell me why, ain't
nothing but a mistake ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I never want to hear you say ♪

♪ That I want it that way ♪

♪ Now that I see that
it's falling apart ♪

♪ From the way that we used to be ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ No matter the distance,
I want you to know ♪

[Band plays] ♪ That
deep down inside of me ♪

♪ You are

You are ♪

Don't wanna hear you!

♪ Ain't nothing but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why, ain't
nothing but a mistake ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I never want to hear you say ♪

♪ I want it that way ♪

♪ Tell me why, ain't
nothing but a heartache ♪

In that moment, I realized
everyone in that school

was truly lucky to have my uncle

looking out for them... [Squeals]

Especially my family.

Oh, honey, that was amazing!

Mom, stop, you're embarrassing me.

♪ I want it that way ♪

[Backstreet Boys' "I
Want It That Way" plays]

I can't believe that just happened.

The entire school was on her side.

You did that, John.

Hmm, all in a day's work.

[Sighs] ♪ You are my fire ♪

Anyways, I should get
home. My bird needs me.

John, wait.

Look, I was an idiot to
say you had a sad life.

I never realized how amazing
it was until I got here.

[Scoffs] Come on.

You help these kids every day,

just like you always tried to help me,

except I never listened

because I always wanted to try and prove

that I was strong enough to
handle everything on my own.

Luce, you're the
strongest person I know.

I'm not. I'm alone with two
teenage girls, and the truth is,

I can use all the help I can get.

I'll always be here to
help you. You know that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

♪ Tell me why, ain't nothing
but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why, ain't
nothing but a mistake ♪

And maybe it's time you admit

you could use a little help yourself.

♪ Tell me why, I never
want to hear you say ♪

Wow, that's a lot of trophies.

Yeah, well, turns out you were right.

At the end of the day,
it doesn't really matter.

They're just plastic.

No, I was wrong.

They represent the life of a coach

who taught thousands
of kids to be the best.

Sorry, I'm not a coach anymore.

No. You're more than a coach.
You're the best teacher we got.

You mean that?

When I saw Felicia playing dodgeball,

feeling good about
herself, I got jealous.

Your way worked.

- So, I won the challenge.
- There was no challenge.

But if there was... Okay, yeah, you won.

- Ha ha!
- ♪ Don't wanna hear you say ♪

No, what? Ha ha.

- Oh, too tight.
- Ah, Coach hugs hard.

Turns out, my uncle was right.

We all need to support
each other to succeed.

And thanks to Coach, I realized
I can let go of my anger...

- Strike three!
- And become a champion.

That's my baby! I made her!

And my mom learned
that help can come from

the most unlikely of places.

And Gigi showed everyone,

there's nothing wrong
with just being yourself.

'Cause in the end, we're
stronger together...

- Than we are alone....
- Hey, can I sit here?

That as a school,

as a family, we can do anything.

John, we need to talk.

I am outraged by the
lack of Goldberg content

in the alumni magazine.

Unh unh, ma'am, you
can't just walk up into

the head of school's office.

If you want to make an
appointment with this man,

you have to make an
appointment with me first.

Now, come on, with your cute dress.

♪ Tell me why, I never
want to hear you say ♪

New hire?

Yeah, it's my sister.
My actual sister.

- ♪ I want it that way ♪
- I like her.

- ♪ Tell me why ♪
- Me, too.

♪ Ain't nothing but a
heartache ♪ [Whirring]

♪ Tell me why, ain't
nothing but a mistake ♪

Rick! Rick!

What are you doing?

You said my way works. No
trees means no tree people.

I meant talk to these kids.

Let them feel that they
can make a difference.

All right, let's try that, then.

Come on, kids. Let's get to learning.

♪ Ain't nothing but a mistake ♪

Isn't that Burgundy Lightning, John?

Yes, it is, Coach. Yes, it is.

♪ I want it that way ♪

I try to set a tone
where they can come in

and see me about anything.

- [Ding!]
- [Ding!]

[Applause]

- [Ding!]