02x06 - No Mo' Mojo

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hap and Leonard". Aired: March 2016 to April 2018.*
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"Hap and Leonard" provides a country twist on the classic mystery thriller. Based on the novel series of the same name, the two now work for a former police officer turned private investigator.
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02x06 - No Mo' Mojo

Post by bunniefuu »

The k*ller takes the victim
on the third Saturday of every October

That night is tonight.

Reverend?

- Why?
- God's work ain't easy.

[g*nshots]

Get down Reverend.

TJ, put the g*n down.

- No TJ!
- No!

- It's my fault.
- It ain't your fault.

Don't believe that now.

[MeMaw exhales]

MeMaw!

What's so important about this kid?
Who is he?

What the hell?!

You goin' forget
what you just saw.

[BB panting]

♪♪

[Panting continues]

♪♪
[heartbeat]

[BB wheezing]

[Engine revs]

[Panting continues]

♪ Dramatic music ♪

♪♪

[Engine turns off]

♪♪

[Gate rattling]

♪♪

[BB gasping]

[Rock scrapes]

♪♪

[Gate rattles]

♪ Haunting music ♪

♪♪

[Tailgate bangs]

[Fabric rustles]

[Sneakers thud]

♪♪

[Gate rattles]

♪♪

[Melancholy music]

♪♪

♪ Generic ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Hap: It's kinda weird,
don'tcha think?

Leonard: What?

Fitzgerald killin'
all those kids.

Now the whole town is

goin' to his church
to mourn 'em.

- Yep.
- I don't get it.

Well, church means a lot
to these people, Hap.

It's their way of reclaimin' it.

Maybe that's what
they're talkin' about

when they say
"God has a plan."

Never let a nice building
go to waste.

- Hmm.
- [Car doors close]

[Sighs heavily]

Religion.

Some strong medicine.

Strong poison, too.

Mm.

What in the hell was
he thinkin'?

A preacher.

- Man of God.
- [Sighs]

How could he possibly think

anything about that
was righteous?

There's a thin line
between righteous and crazy.

I tell ya.

I ain't never been more proud
to be an atheist

- than I am today.
- Amen to that.

[Inhales deeply] Man.

[Grunts] Come on.
Let's hit it.

[Church organ playing]

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

[Sniffling]

Evil is real.

We've all seen
the terrible bounty of its work.

But let us not forget
that goodness is real, too,

and grace is real.

Even though at times like these,
goodness and grace

are poor substitutes

for the smiling faces

of our lost boys.

[Murmuring]

Please accept my...

my deepest sympathies

on your loss... on our losses.

[Murmuring]

And I would like
to publicly thank

the LaBorde Sheriff's Office

for working so diligently to...

to take these monsters
off our streets.

[Sighs heavily]

I only wish we could've done it sooner.

God bless and keep you all.

Amen.

All: Amen.

[Lowered voice] Remind me
to sh*t in his hat

when all this is over.

Only if we take turns.

- Hap: Hey.
- Hey.

Looks like Valentine stole
your thunder in there.

Nah, it's all right.

We don't need a parade
or nothin'.

Speak for yourself.

Parade wouldn't have been
bad idea.

Don't think those women don't
know who found their boys.

I mean,
everyone knows the truth.

Thanks to you, those ladies
have closure now.

And what about you, Stella?
How you doin'?

You know my son's not here.

But maybe he's still out there.

The only thing I can hope
is that he come home again.

Well, you guys take care
of yourself now.

- And thank you for what you did.
- Yes, ma'am.

Stop by the shop,

and I'll give you
a free haircut.

- Hey. Thank you, Stella.
- No, I mean it.

You need a haircut.

[Laughs]

Now they sure do make
a good couple.

Well, he's just bein'
a gentleman.

[Sniffs]

♪♪

[Brakes squeal]

[Gears shift]

[Engine turns off]

♪♪

[Car door closes]

♪♪

[Screen door closes]

Leonard, this is Clayton.

Ivan's dad.

Do my best to bring him up.
This is what I get.

He's got his mama ways.

She left him when he was little.

He's just like her.

Let me give you a little
somethin' for your trouble,

- all right? No, come on now.
- That's all right.

Hey, we ain't on no payroll.

All right.

My daddy would've tarred my ass
I run off like that.

Kid's a smart ass.

His name Ivan.

Give Ivan time.

I'm sure he'll grow out
of this, uh, smart ass phase.

[Descending footsteps]

- Ivan: Hey.
- Leonard: Hey.

That's my dad.

Yeah, I know.

I decided to go home.

I know that, too.

Come on, boy. Let's go.

[Front door opens]

[Chuckles]

Oh.

I finished it.

[Zips up backpack]

It's good.

[Train whistle blowing
in distance]

[Book thuds]

Hey, uh...

Hey.

[Train whistle blowing
in distance]

You remember what
I told you now, ya hear?

Now you look good.

Go on.

[Engine starts]

[Leaves blowing in the wind
Birds chirping]

[Front door creaks]

[Kisses]

You take care of yourself,
cowboy.

I always do.

Speaking of cowboys,

what the hell happened at the end
of that Randy Scott movie?

Oh, uh, yeah. [Chuckles]

Partner left old Leather Lips,

tears in his eyes.

Love will do that to you.

[Front door creaking]

[Doors close]

- [Jacket thuds]
- [Sighs]

[Rubs his hands]

Florida: Feels like the end of an era.

Don't suppose she taught you
how to make her pie.

Mmm, she tried.

I failed miserably.

[Whispers] Damn.

I loved them pies.

I consider myself

pretty savvy, but

I must say,
the Reverend had me fooled.

Yeah.

If it's any consolation,

a lot of people felt that way.

It isn't.

[Clock ticking]

Why didn't it work?

'Tween us?

[Sighs] You're askin' me
that now?

Under the circumstances.

I-I just
have a feelin' I...

that I might never
see you again, so...

I like you, Hap.

A lot.

You're... you're funny.
You're smart.

You're a decent guy.

But...

You're white.

It just doesn't work for me.

I know that sounds terrible.

It's just that I always

saw myself with a black man.

Oh. [Gasps] Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's just how I was raised.

I'm not tryin' to hurt
your feelings.

No.

No, here was I,
thinkin' that

it was 'cause I was old, lazy,

and could do with
a better payin' job.

Well...

[Laughs] Oh, I knew it.

Mostly the other thing, but...

Well, let's just say, um...

I'm glad

'bout what happened between us.

You opened my eyes in, um...

interesting ways.

Sorry I slugged you.

Just, uh,

somethin' to remember you by.

- They're beautiful, aren't they?
- Hmm?

TJ's little black angels.

Yeah, I guess so, uh,
if you like angels.

He was sweet in his own way.

Hand-painted one every year
for the Feast of Archangels.

Never finished this one.

Can I see that?

Feast of the what, you say?

Archangels?

When is that?

End of September,
beginning of October,

depending on the year.
Why?

And 13, you say?

14, including that one.

14, not 15?

14. Why?

♪♪

[Object clatters]

♪♪

[Hammer thud]

You done real good, son.
Real good.

But your work ain't over, boy.

[Wings flapping]

The one that started it all,
he don't match.

He ain't like the others.

You know this.

- [Door opens]
- Leonard.

[Screen door bangs]

What if I told you that I don't
think Fitzgerald k*lled BB?

♪♪

Me and Uncle Chester was
just talkn' 'bout that.

Huh?

♪ Melancholic music intensifuing ♪

[Sighs]

[Knock on door]

Detective.

What can I do for you?

[Paper bag rustling]

♪♪

We need to talk.

♪♪

[Sighs deeply]

[Crow caws]

[Cawing continues]

[Sighs]

You two knuckleheads
really are somethin'.

Hap: Just tell us what happened
to the red shoes.

Leonard: You can do that,
can't ya?

[Sighs]

Look...

I'm already on administrative
leave for sh**t' that boy.

Half salary.

Hanson catch me talkin' to you,

I'll be a rent-a-cop faster'n
I can burn these hamburgers.

Well, you... you help us solve BB's
m*rder, you'll get your job back.

Leonard:
Hell, probably get a raise.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

25 years I've been a cop.

Never fired my g*n once.

Only pulled it twice.

First time
I have to use it, I...

sh**t a ret*rd.

I don't think they say "ret*rd"
anymore, do they?

Oh, not now, Hap.

That boy should've never
picked up that shotgun.

That boy should've never
been black.

Had he been white,
he'd have been at the hospital

with a hole in his knee.

You'd be at the bar,
laughin' it up,

instead of at home,
cryin' in your beer.

Look, why is everybody so eager

to lump BB's m*rder
with the rest of these boys?

And don't you say
it's a black thing.

Yeah, are you seriously
gonna let Hanson

just brush this under
the carpet?

[Chuckles] Charlie, you came
to see me about the shoes.

Do you remember?
Uh, not because you didn't care,

but because you knew
somethin' was goin' on

inside the Sheriff's Department,
and you couldn't live with it.

You two need to drop this,
what you need to do.

You know we ain't never been too good
at doin' we 'spose to be doin'.

Who has red shoes, Charlie?

Just tell us that.

[Suspenseful music]

♪♪

Ain't nobody gon'
believe us, Hap.

It's our word against his.

He the county sheriff.
King Valentine.

He k*lled BB, Len.

And you know it, I know it.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know how,

but we are gonna prove it.

And then we're gonna
hang it on him.

♪♪

[Baseball bat smacks]

♪♪

[Coach speaks indistinctly]

♪♪

[Baseball bat smacks]

Coach: Get under it now.

Good! Good catch.

I hate that man
more than I hate disco,

but watchin' kids play ball
ain't illegal.

Yeah, well, probably out scopin'
his next victim.

- Hap: Mm.
- Friendly neighborhood cop.

Florida said they're like that.

- [Engine starts]
- Child predators.

- [Baseball bat smacks]
- Coach: Your turn in left field.

[Tense music starts again]

- Hey, he's on the move.
- What?

Ain't y'all gonna buy nothin'?

- [Music stops]
- Well...

- Got any...
- sh*t. [Mutters]

- Hap: I love me some jelly rings.
- What are jelly rings?

- Those.
- I hate those things.

- Ooh, chocolate.
- Yeah.

[Both speak indistinctly]

[Child and man
speak indistinctly]

[Lou Ann Barton's
"You'll Lose a Good Thing" playing]

♪♪

♪ If you should lose me ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- [Groans]

Probably gonna sniff his fingers
and play with himself later.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

So... you fellas enjoy
baseball practice?

♪ Lose me ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

You seemed to.

♪ You'll lose a good thing ♪

Hey, darlin',
how 'bout a couple of those

sweet teas for my friends here?

♪ You know I love you ♪

Miriam makes the best sweet tea
in the county.

You know why?

It's sun brewed.

♪ Just don't mistreat me ♪

Say what you want about
the South,

but nobody retires
and moves up north.

[Chuckles]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You'll lose a good thing ♪

Look, you were right

and we were wrong
about the Reverend

and those boys.

Still ain't gonna make us
no friends.

♪♪

No.

We ain't never
gonna be friends.

♪ If you'll only straighten up ♪

But we can be friendly-like,
can we?

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You'll lose a good thing ♪

We're having a shindig
up at the big house tonight.

Pig on a stick.

Why don't you boys stop by?

Put my soul at ease

about things in the past
done and...

and past changin'.

♪ This is my last chance ♪

♪ Not asking anymore ♪

Hope to see ya.

♪ If you don't believe me ♪

I think I'm gonna need a shower.

That man could charm the fangs
out a rattlesnake.

[Door opens]

[Cups thuds]

Y'all done with these?

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

♪♪

Hap. Leonard.

What's up?

Sorry to bother you
at home, Miriam.

Could we get a minute with you?

In private?

'bout what?

Please, Miss Miriam.
It's impo'tant.

Now what's so important
that got you comin'

all the way to my house

when I see you
at the diner every day?

[Metal's noise]

[Whispers] Oh, my God.

[Crying]

BB? No!

- No.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No!

No!

[Sobbing] No, BB.

It can't be.

No!

[Sobbing]

♪♪

No! No!

Two years since he's been gone.

Been praying for him, you know?


[Sniffles]

Prayin' he's alive.

That he'd come home.

That somewhere...

somebody was holdin' on to him.

That as soon as
he could get away

and remember me...

[Whispers] And...

Um... Miss Miriam.

This the big tree down
by the church?

That's his secret place.

[Sniffles]

He called it his hideaway.

[Sniffles] Said he kept
all his treasures there.

Silly things
children come up with.

Your son ever have

anything at all to do
with Valentine Otis?

The sheriff?

- The sheriff?
- Mm-hmm.

No. Why?

Y-you sure?

Is there any way at all they...

they coulda known each other?

No.

I mean...

I mean, BB probably saw him
at the diner.

The Sheriff come in there.

But I don't think...

What do you mean, did he have
something to do with him?

What are you askin'?

Hmm? It's a simple question.

I think you're insinuatin'
somethin'.

What?

♪♪

Never mind.

Don't wanna know. [Sniffles]

Don't care.

♪♪

You should leave.

I don't wanna talk about this.

I can't.

Miss Miriam,

why are you
so frightened of Valentine?

I'm not.

I just...

Please. J-just go.

♪♪

Thank you for your time, ma'am.

♪♪

[Bedroom door closes]

♪♪

Man.

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

Hmm.

- [Speaks indistinctly]
- Leonard: What's that?

"For my Best Boy."

Leonard: Best Boy?

- BB.
- Yeah.

Think the son of a bitch
would've signed it.

[Fabric rustles]

Oh.

Here.

♪♪

Oh, hell, no.

Now see, this is
all the proof we need.

Yeah. It's still gonna be
our word against his.

I'm gonna look that murderin',
sick son of a bitch in his eye,

and he'll know that I know.

Maybe I could sleep good
at night, and maybe he won't.

I don't think
it's such a good idea

to go see Valentine tonight.

Why not?

'Cause I think I might
snap his g*dd*mn neck

soon as I lay eyes on him.

♪♪

[Band playing
lighthearted music]

♪♪

Why do I feel like
I'm goin' back in time?

That's because things change,
Hap.

People don't.

Woman: Can you take this for me?
Thanks, hon.

You see what I'm talkin' 'bout?

[Glass thuds]

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hmm?

Look like someone ain't enjoyin'
the celebration.

Let's go cheer him up.

Let's.

Been waitin' for this
my entire life.

[Ominous music]

♪♪

[Music getting darker and darker]

What do you want? [Sighs]

♪♪

The truth.

Let's start with you
tellin' us about them

red sneakers.

We know whatcha did.

Oh, yeah?
What do you think you know?

That you are a piece of sh*t.

You're the kind of man
who preys on children.

And you k*lled that boy, BB.

♪♪

I'm a lot of things, Collins.

Some bad

and some worse.

♪♪

Not so bad I would k*ll
my own son.

♪♪

Your son?

♪♪

That boy was the most beautiful
thing to ever happen to me.

He was all the things
that Beau isn't.

Smart, athletic,
he was a good-lookin' kid.

I couldn't claim him
'cause the color of his skin.

I didn't love him any less,
and he loved me.

Miriam's inside just crying,

crying her eyes out for a child
that she'll never see again.

That's why I took
those sneakers,

so she could get up every
morning with the only thing

that she had left
in the world... hope.

And you took that away from her.

You took her away from me.

You hear this bullshit?

[Exhales deeply]

If you came here to get revenge

for what happened
to your daddies,

consider it done.

We're even now.

My only regret is that preacher
blowed his own head off

before I could do it for him.

[Scoffs]

Well, there's another thing
we know that you don't know.

That preacher,

he didn't k*ll your son.

What are you sayin'?

g*dd*mn it. What the hell
are you sayin'?

Until two minutes ago,

we thought you did it.

Who the hell would want
to k*ll my boy?

What reason would anyone have
to k*ll that kid?

Everyone loved that kid.
Everyone.

What? What?
What do you want, Beau?

Um, uh, it's almost time
for the fireworks.

[Indistinct conversations
in distance]

What are them two doin' here?

[Dramatic music]

♪♪

What have you done, Beau?

I didn't do nothin', Daddy.

What are they tellin' you?

♪♪

What have you done?

You did it, didn't you, Beau?

No! No.

- You k*lled BB.
- Daddy, don't listen to them.

Why?

- Why would you k*ll my boy?
- Ow!

I want the truth.

I want the truth
or I'll skin you alive.

Ow!

I want the truth.
You hear me?!

- Well, I...
- Why?!

- Why?
- Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

That's enough!

The way you doted on him!

And you treated me like
I was less.

He never did nothin' to you!

Listen, here. You listen.

Daddy, I'm your son.

I'm your best boy.

He was your blood!

[Fireworks exploding]

He was your brother.

And he was my only son!

Aah!

[Thud, cane clatters]

[Fireworks continue exploding,
guests cheering]

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Still music ♪

[Applause]

♪♪

[Moon Mullican's "I Was
Sorta Wonderin'" playing]

[Tape peels]

♪ I was sorta wonderin' ♪

[Tape peels]

[Tape peels]

♪ You're all alone and blue ♪

[Stencil clatters]

♪ Reminiscin' ♪

Now...

♪♪

Ain't that the berries?

Man: What do you want?

Man 2: Just a little of your time,
about 20 years.

[Speaks indistinctly] What do
you want out of this deal?

Man 2: A little security
for my children.

- You ain't got any children.
- Someday I might.

Read it yet?

We done good, old man,
didn't we?

- Man: Better take my coat.
- [Horn honks]

- It's cold out...
- [g*nsh*t]

[Engine idling]

[Screen door creaking]

You busy?

Chicken got teeth?

Nice truck you got.

- Your dad would be proud.
- Get in.

- [Pats]
- I'll take you for a ride.

Careful with those crumbs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mutters]

[Indistinct conversation]

New neighbors?

Yeah. Somethin' like that.

Probably open up a coffee shop.

They could sell
their little fancy lattes.

[Birds chirping]

[Metal scrapes]

[Gate rattling]

[Metal scrapes, creaks, locks]

Hap: Here.

Full circle.

Full circle.

- You know...
- Hmm?

In the end,

it's always me and you.

Just like the Lone Ranger
and Tonto.

Yeah, well...

Leonard: Come on, Tonto.

Let's take this bad boy
for a ride,

see how she gallops.

How come I'm Tonto?

Because, Hap, I'm the cowboy.

[Organ starting playing]

Yeah, but...

"Yeah, but..." what?

♪♪

Okay, we're gonna have to talk

'bout this whole
Lone Ranger, Tonto thing.

No, no, talk about what?

No, we gonna talk
right now, Hap.

You see, you always
insinuating some sh*t.

- Insinuating?
- Open the door, g*dd*mn it.

- What the hell?
- I ain't insinuatin' nothin'. Aw, sh*t.

Come on!
[Speaks indistinctly]

Damn.

[Upbeat music]

[Engine starts]

♪♪

[Somber music]

♪♪

[Country music]

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪
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