04x08 - Driving Mr. Jackson

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

This award is such an honor;
Vet of the Year.

Thank you,
Bay Area Small Business Association.

Boring.

Next time, fall on your face
like Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars.

Oh, no one's gonna hear
this acceptance speech, anyway.

That Dr. Jeffries wins every year.

He's always cuddling
baby hedgehogs on Instagram.

I can't compete with that.

Mom, I finished all my homework.

So, can I go?

Yes, you can. You can go.
Where are you going?

Our kids are going to
their first high-school party.

Party? Whose house is it?

Will there be parents? How many kids?

Will there be a theme?

What? I'm a party planner. I'm always
looking for new ideas to steal.

Guys, it's not even a party. It's a bunch
of ninth-graders playing Mario Kart.

Should I hook 'em up
to the lie detector, Mom?

I don't need a lie detector. I'm a mother.

Okay, home by ten,
cell phones on at all times,

and make good choices.

And if a theme breaks out, let me know.

-Bye.
-See you, guys. Bye.

Okay, thanks again. No kisses.

Oh, good job. Come in.

Hey. I'm so glad you guys are here.

Yeah, I was just practicing
my acceptance speech

for the BAASBA award
that I'm never gonna win.

Well, if you do win, don't thank me,

because with Jesse and I co-hosting
the award ceremony, it'll look rigged.

Which it's not.

Unless it is.

It is, isn't it?

I was never here.

I'm here. I'm here.

Hey, don't I recognize you
from our wedding?

Ha ha ha ha ha. Very funny.

Our schedules have been crazy.

With me working mornings
and Jesse at the Smash Club all night,

-we barely see each other.
-The only time I see her is in my dreams.

Although occasionally
she morphs into Abe Lincoln.

Sort of hot.
I've never been with a bearded lady.

All right, tick-tock. Here's Pamela.

Don't be late for the pick-up.
I have a four o'clock facial appointment.

These pores don't tighten themselves,
you know.

D.J., thank you for letting us host
Mommy and Me here.

-All right. Love you.
-Love you, too.

Easier kissing Abe Lincoln.

Fine, we're out of practice.

Oh, and FYI; those mommies,

they are snobs in yoga pants,
and they never let me lead the sing-along.

Sing-along? Over my dead body.

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
went up the spout ♪

Big finish, ♪ again ♪

Thank you. But, you know,
I've sang all over the world,

from ramen houses
to international pancake houses, but...

nothing compares
to singing to my little girl

right here in the good ol' US of A.

[others] Aw!

Ladies, not only did we get
our first daddy at Mommy and Me,

-but we got the best one ever.
-Aw, I'm sure your baby daddies are great.

Are they here?

No, they are not. I am the best.

It's refreshing to see a father take
such a hands-on interest in his child.

I'm cuckoo about this little munchkin,
and, you know, I feel it's important

for both parents to contribute equally,
you know?

Did you just drop in from Planet Perfect?

All right, who wants a cookie?
Cookie time.

Come on. All the kids come over here.
All the kids-- hi, mothers.

If you're interested,
a few of us moms do an after-party.

The kids get a little more playtime,
and we have adult time.

You know what I mean?

Oh, wine in a sippy cup, right?

Mommies, we got a keeper.

-I thought of that right off the--
-Ahem!

Uh, ma'am, we usually ask the nannies
to stay in the car.

No, no. This is Becky, my wife Becky.
See? Not in yoga pants.

Yep, that's me. Becky with the good pants.

Because I work.

Work? Oh, you poor thing.
I used to have to do that.

-You little--
-All right. Okay, okay.

-See? Snobs in yoga pants.
-Oh, come on.

These mothers have been
warm and welcoming.

Oh, please. More like hot and bothered.

What? They've been very friendly,

and they wanted to see
how soft my hair was.

-I didn't let them touch it, did I, Pammy?
-Yes, you did.

Okay. Well, I think it is time to find
a new Mommy and Me class.

Come on, Pammy loves this class.

Apparently so does Daddy.

-Let's talk about this later.
-Talk? We're not gonna have time to talk.

The next time we see each other's
not gonna be until--

♪ Hey, welcome to the
Bay Area Small Business Awards ♪

♪ Where the finest in their fields
get their just rewards ♪

I was trying to be a good parent, okay?

You're the one trying to deny our kid
time with her--

♪ Friends and colleagues
are with us tonight ♪

Please. You just wanna go
because the mommies worship--

♪You are the heart of our city ♪

♪ Your businesses shine bright ♪

-♪Organic... ♪
-Oh, this is scary.

Oh, but so worth putting on Spanx for.

I agree.

♪ We have a category ♪

♪ The Dentist, the Plumber,
the Vet of the Year ♪

-You're being ridiculous.
-Please. You're a pain in the--

♪ As we see who brings home a BAASBA ♪

♪ As a souvenir ♪

More, more. Never stop.

I am so glad
that Steve is home with the flu.

I mean, I hope
he feels better soon, but...

Good luck, Manny.

Dr. Jeffries doesn't need luck.
He wins every year.

You never know when you have a vet
as strapping and talented as my Matthew.

I'm not sure they take strapping
into consideration.

Honey, it's San Francisco.
It's always a consideration.

PLEASE GET ME AT THE PARTY
AND BE DISCREET

But I have an emergency,
and I have to leave.

Is it Ramona? Is she okay?

Shh. Everything is fine,
but I have to go discreetly.

I was being discreet!

-Thank God you are okay.
-I am.

Me too, Formando,
Formindo, Fernindo.

Jackson, it appears to me
you are drunk as a stunk.

Don't you mean skunk?

No, stunk. Eduardo Stunk
was our town drunk.

How did this happen?

Dad, we were just hanging,
playing video games,

and then every senior jock
showed up with beers and was chanting,

"Yo, grab a beer, Golden Toe."

Golden Toe!

I understand peer pressure
is very powerful,

but you have to be strong
and make good choices.

To be clear,
this was weak and a bad choice.

D.J. is going to be so furious.

Oh. Please don't tell my mom.

I've learned my lesson, Formando.

You're putting me in a terrible position
and butchering my name.

Jackson. You're a good kid.

You're a Fuller.
You should know better than this.

Papa, didn't you always say
that it's better to call an adult

rather than getting into a car
with some drunk kid?

I hate it when you use
my own parenting against me.

♪ Ooh la la la la la ♪

And the winner of Vet of the Year is...

Here we go.

Dr. Matt Harmon.

Ooh.

-We did it!
-We won?

Hah! Suck it, Manny.

Not you, Deej. Your name's not on here.

Just "Dr. Matt Harmon
for Harmon Better Pet Care."

No D.J. Sit.

I can't believe I won.

I can't believe that Matt won.

His clinic was only open
for, like, three weeks.

I had a girlfriend longer than that.

Wait. What?

He didn't even thank you.

Oh, you guys are being ridiculous.

He didn't thank a lot of people.
I'm sure he just forgot.

He thanked his barista.

Yeah, I know that barista, too.
He wrote "Schpepanie" on my cup.

I saw him wipe his brow with a biscotti,
and he still got thanked.

-Little help here, please.
-Oh.

[D.J.] Got to lift your foot.

Wow. Kimmy, I think your foot is pregnant.

You know what? Maybe you took
the actual Schpepanie's drink.

First you defend Matt,
now you're defending the barista.

What do they have on you?

[D.J.] I'm gonna get a drink.

[belches]

Matt is not a better vet than you.

I think there was a little payoff,
a little palm-schmearing.

Who'd schmear for a BAASBA?

Gia. She works in PR.
She knows how to schmear.

Plus, she interned in a bagel shop.

Oh, please. Nobody's schmearing anybody.

And I'm glad.
At least one of us won, you know?

It's good for the clinic.

It's not like I made space on the mantle
for my BAASBA.

What a surprise. You are home.

How was the emergency?

What emergency?
Everything is fine.

Why would you say otherwise?

Is he acting strange?

It's Fernando. Who can tell?

-Hello?
-[Jamaican accent] Oh, hello.

Not Vet of the Year.

Good morning to you, too, Janet.

Didn't see you behind Matt's trophy,
which seems to have grown overnight.

I always knew that Dr. Harmon
was more than just a pretty face.

Yeah, he certainly is. He's a great vet,
and he totally deserves that award.

[chuckles] You're so bitter.

[chuckles] I don't wanna call myself
a hero, but don't let that stop you.

[both chuckle]

Okay, Mrs. Baxter,
I'm ready to see Truffles.

I like my baby to see
the Vet of the Year.

I've got this.

Uh, but I have been seeing Truffles
since she was a puppy.

Oh, um, well, you know,
Truffles is older now and...

maybe she's more comfortable
with an award-winning vet.

I don't see your name on that banner.

Yeah. Well, Janet, be a love
and bring me Truffle's chart.

Anything for the Vet of the Year.

Dr. Fuller, be a dear
and answer the phones.

Hey, I am not answering the phone.

[telephone rings]

[Jamaican accent]
Harmon-Fuller Pet Care. Janet speaking.

No, the Vet of the Year is booked.

But you can see Dr. Fuller.

She's very good and easy on the peepers.

Hello? [normal voice] Hello?

Did you know Truffles is a boy?

I was not expecting that.

Hey, where's my BAASBA?

It was blocking the phone, so I moved it.

Oh. Someone a little jealous?

What? Why would I be jealous
of Vet of the Schmear?

-What does that mean?
-You know what?

Maybe we were naive to think we could
jump back into business together.

Mm. Finally something that we agree on.

Here's your BAASBA.

You know where to put it.

Hello, mommies and me.

Well, I didn't get the... memo
on no yoga pants.

Ladies, our daddy's back,
and it's a good thing,

because I made you a moussaka.

Aw, thanks, Renee. That's so sweet.
Becky and I never have time to cook.

-That's so nice.
-Who's Becky?

Still my wife.

These are her pants.

Lucky pants.

-What'd you say?
-Nothing.

Okay, everybody,
let's get into our activity circle.

That means you, Zoe and Maya.

Come on, everybody, activity circle.

Okay. Today, we're going--

Today, we're gonna work on our right
and our left with the Hokey Pokey.

We love the Hokey Pokey, right?
Here we go.

♪ You put your right hand in ♪

♪ You put your right hand out,
you put your right hand-- ♪

Ho, I think you're using
the wrong hand.

Oh, am I? I guess I don't know
my right from my wrong.

♪ You do the hokey pokey,
and you turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

Ho ho. Whoa.

I was expecting more hokey and less pokey.

All right, ladies, playtime's over. Out.

But-- you heard the man, everybody out.

Whoa, whoa. I'm talking to you,
Fatal Attraction.

So does this mean
you don't want my moussaka?

The only moussaka I want is Becky's.

Mm-mmm.

-[knock on door]
-Aah.

Yeech, I hope you feel better
than you look.

Can you please stop spinning my bed?

I feel like I got off a Tilt-A-Whirl after
eating a churro dipped in clam sauce.

You were really out of control last night.
You ran around the party naked.

I did what?

Okay, you didn't.

But that was only because
I dragged you out of there.

What was I supposed to do?

You saw them. The whole football team
was chanting, "Chug, chug, chug."

And I was chanting, "No, no, no."

-I should've just walked away.
-Hey, don't b*at yourself up.

Now I gotta lie to my mom.

If she finds out, she's gonna ground me,
like dig a hole and bury me under ground.

And I need the sun.
I have seasonal sadness.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

I can't believe Matt.
You know, I can work with anyone.

I'm fair, I'm honest, I'm giving.

And calm.

I just so misjudged his character.

I am dismayed, disturbed,

and dismayed.

Because I can't think of another word.

I am shocked by his behavior.

I thought I really knew him,
but I guess I don't.

I can't trust him ever again.

I'm sorry. It's just
everyone on the team was yelling,

"Chug, chug, chug, Golden Toe." So--

I chugged a beer.
Or two, which is a lot less than...

everyone else had.

You drank beer?

No, no. He chugged.
Weren't you listening?

I can't believe you were drinking.

Uh, Fernando didn't tell you?

No, that's what [waves] meant.

Fernando knew?

Uh, yeah. He picked us up at the party.

He wanted to tell you,
but Jackson begged him not to.

Plus, my dad took really good care of him.

Oh, I am so disappointed in you, Jackson.
This is exactly what I thought

when you started hanging out with
those older football players.

Mom, my head is pounding,
so, please, if you're gonna yell at me,

yell at me quietly.

-I'll deal with you later!
-Okay.

Fernando.

Fernando?

Fernando can leave a room discreetly.

Stop.

Oh, hello, D.J.

I was fleeing from your wrath.

I figured by the time
you finished berating Jackson,

I'd be across the bridge.

You knew about my son drinking
and didn't tell me?

Yes, but I made him a vow not to tell.

But I'm Jackson's mother.

It is my right to know
so I can parent him my way.

Got to say, I agree.

But then Jackson would not trust me.

I want him to feel comfortable
so he can come to me in the future.

He makes a good point, too.

Oh, so in the future, Jackson can drink,
and you can keep it from me?

No. He can come to me for other things.

Not that there will be other things,
but there will be other things.

Teenage boys don't always
want to confide in their mothers.

Good points all around.

This would make a great talk show.

So keep talking.

If Jackson didn't confess,
I would've never known.

I was not trying to betray you, D.J.
I was just trying to help Jackson.

He's like my family.

-Jackson is my family.
-[cell phone ringtone]

It's Matt. There's an emergency.

Look, from now on,
just stay out of my parenting, okay?

As you wish.

[door closes]

This is the after-party?
I don't see any mommies.

Or mes. Or our daughter.

She's with Stephanie.
Listen, Beck, full disclosure -

one of the moms hit on me
during the Hokey Pokey.

Is nothing sacred?

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Let me guess.

-Renee?
-Yes.

You were right. I did sort of
really enjoy the mommy attention.

But if I'm being honest,
I'd rather have it from you.

Jess, I'm sorry.

I think life has gotten so busy,
we forgot to make time for each other.

-I miss you.
-I miss you, too.

I can't remember the last time
we sat down and talked.

I know. We're taking our relationship
for granted,

but we've got to make time for each other.
And you know what?

-Let's make a schedule right here and now.
-Okay, um, good idea.

-Friday night is date night.
-Yes.

-And Sunday morning, breakfast in bed.
-Yes.

-Tuesdays, we can try those ballroom--
-No!

I forgot how beautiful you are.

Nothing? Nothing for me?

I forgot how needy you are.

How could you forget that?

If haven't told you lately, I think
you're the most handsome man in the world.

Really? You're not just saying that
because I am handsome?

Are you in the mood
for a little Hokey Pokey?

I could shake it all about, sure.

Hey, uh... are those my yoga pants?

Don't question. Just enjoy.

Didn't we talk about you
wearing my clothes outside of the house?

You said nothing about yoga pants.

Oh, Shelliot's listless.
His eyelids are swollen.

He'll need a drip and a sh*t of "A."

Would the Vet of the Year mind if I do it?

Please. You are the reptile expert.

Am I?

And cats, and dogs, and asses.

Which I was.

D.J., I am really sorry.

That silly award
made me feel better about myself,

but you are the amazing vet;
I always feel like I'm in your shadow.

Matt, I wouldn't be partners with you
if I didn't think you are a great vet.

And thank you for calling me
about Shelliot.

Yeah, well, what matters
is that Shelliot is okay.

Oh, my land animal.

What matters is that SheIliot's okay,

not who he confided in
or who picked him up from the party.

I'm not following.

Matt, this tortoise is a teenager now,

and he has questions
and anxiety about girls

and SATs and body hair
and... he needs all of our help.

Wow, I still have a lot to learn
about tortoises.

-You've got this, right?
-Yeah.

Did you get any of that?

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

D.J., I have left your house.

You did not ask me to, but I felt it was
strictly an oversight on your part.

Actually, I'm glad that you're here.
See, the turtle was fine

because the right person
treated his hypovitaminosis.

I do not understand your turtle metaphors,
but I assume you're apologizing?

Thank you for taking care of Jackson.

Fernando, being the mother
of a high-schooler is...

really hard and scary.

But I am glad that Jackson has you.

You know,
when he doesn't wanna talk to me.

I know you'll always be there for him.

Do not make me cry, D.J. Do not do it.

I trust you,
and I'm sorry that I ever doubted you.

You're doing it.

But I'm holding it in.

Aw, you're a good man, Fernando.

And I love you like family.

Oh, you did it.

Here come the waterworks.

Aw, now you're getting me started.

Oh, dear.

Max, if you're ever in trouble
and you don't wanna call me,

just know that Fernando
will always be there for you.

Uh, I can get my Zappos package later.

Okay, so, in the future,
here's what you're gonna do.

I'm gonna be in the future?

Focus, Marty McFly.

You wake up, you're hung over,
you're put on some sunglasses,

hightail it to Denny's
and get a pot of coffee.

That'll cure the pounding headache?

Well, it'll help, but mostly,

you'll not be stuck at home
talking to your mom.

Good luck, Jackson.

Here it is, Jackson.

Sit down. I can't discipline you
when you're taller than me.

You're grounded for two weeks.

And no cell phone, no Fortnite,
no devices, nothing.

I trusted you, you betrayed my trust,
It's gonna take a while to earn it back.

Jackson, I'm not naive.
I was a teenager, too.

Well, Stephanie was.

I just have to ask.

Why did you call Fernando and not me?

Honestly...

I didn't wanna disappoint you.

Well, unfortunately you did.

Look, I know that there are gonna be
certain guy issues

you're not gonna feel comfortable
talking to me about, but

that doesn't excuse the fact
that you made a very poor choice.

I know, Mom, I know.

You cannot be drinking at your age.

It's illegal, and it's dangerous.

I know it's gonna be hard for you
because your friends will be doing it,

but I expect you to be stronger than that.

And I'm telling you these things
because I love you.

Okay?
And I want you to live a very long life.

I love you, too, Mom.

Hey, uh, I know I'm grounded,
but can we go to Denny's?

Denny's? Why?

Oh, well, Stephanie said it was
the best hangover cure.

Did she now?

Schpepanie?

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪