04x09 - Perfect Sons

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

Grandpa, Aunt Becky, this'll be perfect

for your Kiddie Corner segment
on Wake Up San Francisco.

Watch and be wowed.

[ding]

Yeah.

I didn't expect to be wowed,
but I am truly wowed.

Wow.

So, am I in, or am I in?

Max, you are in.
This is your big TV debut.

It's funny. I always thought it would
just be you falling down a well.

But if you ever do fall down a well,
we'd like the exclusive.

-But don't fall down a well.
-But if you do...

keep us on speed dial.

Uh, yeah. Enough chitchatting.
I need to go pick out my outfit.

Oh, how about a nice argyle?

Come with me. You're the only one here
who has any style.

Mm.

What? How dare he? I have style.

Aren't those the clothes you slept in?

Shut up and help me move this.

That's it, Jackson.
I cannot teach you to drive.

-You are a maniac.
-We never even left the driveway.

You were texting.

You sent me the text.

It was a test.
It said, "Do not look at your texts."

Guys, I'd be really happy to teach
the young lad the rules of the road.

[both] No.

What?
I'm an excellent driving teacher.

Yeah. Because it's always helpful

when your teacher yells,
"I don't wanna die!"

Fine.
I'm going back to the television studio,

where at least people
have the common decency

to pretend to respect me.

If you can't teach me,
then what about Aunt Stephanie?

No. She crashed Joey's car
into the kitchen.

Yeah, when I was eight.
I've only done it, like, twice since then.

What about Kimmy?

I can show you how to steer
with my belly.

-Fernando. He's a race-car driver.
-He's had eight races this season.

He's crashed nine times.

There is 57 people living in this house,
and no one can teach me.

-Where's Danny?
-Oh, he left.

Was he your ride?

It was my car.

♪ Ooh, la la, ooh-la-la ♪

Oh, Kimberlina, Ramona,
I am so glad to see you.

Do not panic.

But... my mother will be here any minute.

Grandma Nadia?

No. Your mother is like
The Devil Wears Prada.

But without the Prada.

So she's the Devil?

Don't talk about your grandmother
that way.

Why didn't you tell me
this evil woman is coming?

She didn't tell me.
It's just a complete sneak att*ck,

like Pearl Harbor
or Beyoncé's Lemonade album.

Fernando, I need more warning than this.
She hates me.

She does not hate you.

Oh, wait. Did you say "hate you"?
Oh, yeah, she hates you.

She always introduces me
as "what's her name."

Think that's bad? She hasn't forgiven me
for not going into the family business.

-What is the family business?
-None of your business.

Before this darkness
descends upon our house,

there are a few things
I have not yet told my mother.

Little things, like...
the fact that we got divorced

and re-engaged the same day
with the help of a falcon.

And that I live next door
in a haunted house.

-Why haven't you told her the truth?
-I could never.

The only thing
she hates more than Kimmy is divorce

and Beyoncé's Lemonade album.

She's gonna find out the truth now.

Or... perhaps...
we could pretend that this is my house

and that we all live here with D.J.,
our housekeeper, and her three sons.

It's not that much of a stretch.
D.J. does fold a lot of laundry.

I'm not comfortable lying to Grandma.

I will pay you an exorbitant sum.

What's a little white lie?

[doorbell rings]

[both] It's her!

[screams]

Real mature. I'll get it.

Kimberlina.

Another thing.

What if you told my mother
that the baby is ours?

She'll be so nice to you, like
when you were pregnant with Ramona.

Mm, that was nice.

Wait. No.

No, I refuse to lie
about Stephanie's baby.

No matter what Nadia says to me,
no matter what she thinks,

I will stay strong.

Fernandito.

Mama!

Nadia.

Hello, what's her name.

Nadia, I refuse to let you
treat me this way anymore.

[Spanish accent] Because I'm pregnant
with your grandchild.

Kimberlina!

♪ Ooh, la la la la la ♪

[gasps]

Can you stop gasping every time you get
a new YouTube subscriber?

It's not that.

Mrs. Culkin just posted our grades
from today's social-studies test.

Let me guess. Another "A"?

No.

I failed.

You mean,
I'm not the only disappointment any more?

Yes. In your face.

Maybe this is it. I've peaked.

It's all downhill.

I'm doomed to a life of failure
and disappointment.

I should call Joey to see what to expect.

Wait. It says you got a "B".

Everyone knows
"B" stands for "basically an 'A'."

I'm pretty sure it stands for, "Bye-bye,
hopes and dreams. Hello, Dartmouth."

Once again, it's pronounced Dart-mouth.

[doorbell rings]

It's always open.

Hey, Deej. I just saw Fernando put up
an Argentinian flag outside the house

and then scurry away.

He does that sometimes.

I'm so glad you're here.

I was trying to teach Jackson
how to drive, and I got so anxious.

What if he fails, and it's all my fault?

And then he writes a memoir
called The Fault in Our Cars.

Don't worry.
I'll teach him how to drive.

Really? Oh. Awesome.

This is gonna work out. It'll be nice
to have some one-on-one time with Jackson.

We haven't had a chance to hang out
since I got back from L.A.

I'm going to go tell the lucky driver now.

Oh, you're a life-saver.

That was a lot of Halloweens ago.

D.J., this is my mother Nadia.

She's here on a quick business trip.

Oh, how nice. What kind of business?

None of yours.

Mama, D.J. is the one I told you about.

Ah, yes.

You know, in Argentina,
you do not find many homes

that can accommodate
the housekeeper and all her children.

Thank you for that random fact
about Argentina.

If you don't mind, I would like
to show my mother the rest of the house.

Be my guest. I was just straightening up.

D.J.'s very tidy.

Thank you for that random fact about me.

D.J., I'm parched from my trip.
Where is the tea?

Oh, it's in the kitchen.

Or I could make it for you.

And make it snappy.

Fernandito,
your living room is so...

nautical.

Yet you have always been
so afraid of the sea.

Was I? I don't recall.

Yes, it's true.

We tried everything for him,

even immersion therapy.

Surprisingly,
holding someone under the water

does not cure them
from their fear of drowning.

[gasps] Aah. Ai, Fernandito.

Protect me from these intruders.

Don't let the muscled one stroke my hair.

Mama, it's okay.

This is Stephanie and Jimmy.
They live here, too.

Actually, I live at Fernando's house.

Yes, Jimmy. There, there, you're right.

He's a little slow, but he's my brother,
so I love him.

Now run along, Jimmy. Here's your sponge.

Oh, wow. I'm gonna soak up so much stuff.

Kimmy, speak with you privately

about a lot of things?

D.J.'s sister. She probably
wants to talk about the rent.

Always money problems, that one.

[cackles]

Would you tell me what's going on?

Oh, not much. Just pretending
that I'm still married to Fernando

and that this is his house
and D.J. is our live-in maid.

Do I have a part in this?

Yes. You're the irresponsible moocher
who dates my slow brother and his sponge.

Oh, not that much different
than the real story.

Uh, anything else?

That's everything.

Oh, and we also told her
that this is Fernando's baby.

Kimmy!

♪ Do-yah doo-dow ♪

Hey, Max. Must be nice having a relative
with his own morning show.

I got here on my merit, Spencer.

My grandfather's going to treat me
just like anyone else.

Aw, there's my brilliant grandson.

I can't wait to treat you better
than everyone else.

Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

Oh, there's my favorite nephew.

Wow, that outfit we picked out
looks fabulous.

Is there anyone here
you're not related to?

Um, uh...

oh, the camerawoman
doesn't look familiar.

That's your cousin, Carol.

So you must be
one of my other child prodigies.

-Hi. My name is Spen--
-Not my grandson, not interested.

Well, at least I didn't get a "B".

One "B" doesn't mean anything.

You know who says that?
People who get "B"s.

♪ Ooh, la la la la la ♪

You were doing great
until the car broke down.

On the plus side,
for the one mile you actually drove,

you only hit two garbage cans.

-How is that a plus?
-You missed the other four.

Oh, yeah. I am a great driver.

I wouldn't exactly say that.

You have the unearned confidence
of a Kardashian.

-Which one?
-Doesn't matter.

We'll get to the bottom of this.
Let's pop the old hood.

Aha. It's exactly what I thought.
What we have here is a worn out, um...

uh...

Should we call AAA?

Hold on. I haven't even had a chance
to work my magic yet.

Please.
Think I don't know how to fix a car?

I don't.

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

I have fixed your nursery.

I think you will be very pleased,
if you know what's good for you.

Behold.

[gasps] Dios mio!

That is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

Now it will be like I am always
watching over the baby.

Like a hawk.

Aah.

Whoa. That looks like Fernando
and his hot sister.

How dare you.
That is Fernando and his hot mother.

Wow. So, uh...

so you painted over the mural
that D.J. made for Tommy

while she was pregnant
and working a full-time job.

Ah. You are very welcome.
Do not mention it.

Oh, I'm gonna mention it.

I'm never gonna stop mentioning it.

[D.J.] Tommy, time for preschool.

D.J. is gonna be furious.
We can't let her see this.

Look, everyone. It's D.J.

-Oh.
-Here's Tommy.

Off to preschool you go.

-But I just wanna change--
-No. Change it in the car.

Yeah, it's much more challenging. Bye.

♪ La la la la, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Oh, that's my son, right there.

This is his first appearance
on Kiddie Korner.

You know he has 200 YouTube subscribers.

Yeah, we'll talk later.

[intro music plays]

Welcome back to Wake Up San Francisco's
Kiddie Korner,

where exceptional San Francisco kids
get to meet

an exceptional San Francisco
television morning talk show host.

[music ends]

Thank you.

I was talking about me.

When are you not?

Young Spencer here
is teaching people how to upcycle items

they would typically throw away.

Yes. I converted these wine bottles
into light fixtures,

flower vases, and even night lights.

Wow. And I thought the wheel
was a great idea.

That's a lot of wine bottles.
You must have a great fake ID, kid.

Next, it's my esteemed pleasure
to introduce my gifted grandson.

And my gifted nephew. No nepotism here.

Except for the obvious nepotism.

Max Fuller is a loving brother,
a dog owner, and a straight-A student.

[coughs]

Sorry, I think I just swallowed a "B."

Max has an incredible
Rube Goldberg project

that he made for school.

He used common items he had at home

with the goal of getting a quarter
to land in a piggy bank.

Yes. Without further ado...

But it worked at home.

It's okay, honey.
It's okay. It was still great.

No, it wasn't. It was a disaster.

First I get a "B," and now this?

I'm a fraud. I know it. Spencer knows it.
Now everyone knows it.

Now that's what I call a Rube Goldberg.

Great job, Max.

♪ Doo dee ee oh ♪

Try it now.

Try it now.

Try it now.

What are we trying exactly?

Not sure, but that's what guys always say
when they're under the hood.

I'll be honest. Only thing I know
how to do with a car engine

is cook a tri-tip.

-You can do that?
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally.

My dad taught me.
He learned it in the army.

I can definitely go for a steak right now.

I'm sorry, I don't have any steaks.
We can't get the engine to work.

Gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?

-Hey, dude.
-Matt, what are you doing here?

You work for AAA now?

Ah. I see what you did there, chief.
No. Jackson texted me.

Let me take a look.

You texted Matt?
What made you think I can't handle it?

Well, we have been sitting here
for two hours.

Let me take a little look-see.
I'll get her purring in no time.

Ah. Looks like you have a loose belt.
Easy-peasy. Yeah.

All right, Jackson. Give it a try.

I believe the term is "try it now."

Try it now.

[engine doesn't start]

Uh, okay. Um, you want to just give that
one more try there, Jackson?

In three, two, one.

[engine doesn't start]

Are we sleeping here tonight?

No. We are getting this car fixed.
Step aside, Matt.

Okay, now listen. If this were a foot
and a toe wasn't moving,

I would be following nerve endings

to find the source of the problem,
which, in this case,

is right here. Hit it, Jackson.

[engine turns over]

Aah. It worked.
I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it.

I don't know what I did, but I did it.

-Dude, that was amazing.
-Yeah, the battery connection was loose.

Yeah, that was next on my checklist.

So, I'm gonna get going.
I got to get my groceries in the fridge.

You by any chance
have any tri-tip and tin foil in there?

Have we met?

-Looks like we're having a barbecue.
-Ooh.

Wait. You're serious?
We're gonna cook them on the engine?

Totally. While I teach you how to drive,
those babies are gonna cook.

That's medium rare for you,
so 25 miles city, 30 miles highway.

I also have some potatoes we could bake.

-Looks like we're driving to Oakland.
-[all] Yeah!

[all grunt]

♪ Oh oh oh ooh ♪

Someone was awfully quiet in the car.

I was just engaging
in a lot of negative self-talk.

Well, don't because my son
is still pretty special,

even if today didn't go
exactly the way he planned.

You didn't plan on doing
$80,000 worth of damage, did you?

Whoa, I'm good.

Hey, Deej. Becky and I just stopped by
to check up on how Max is doing.

Um, Grandpa...

I've prepared this
on-air retraction for you.

I'm not a straight-A student.

Honey, it's okay.

But I'm not perfect.

Max, nobody expects you
to be perfect.

I do.

I like being the best.

Yeah, but you don't have to be
all the time.

Max, you make being your mom so easy.

I never have to wake you up for school

or check if you've done your homework.

But if you let one little setback
bring you down,

then you'll never take risks.

You won't ever know
what you're truly capable of.

Just like I took a risk
in wearing this polka-dot shirt.

Now I know.

So, how do you get over
this whole perfectionism thing?

Oh, you don't.

Yeah. It'll plague you your entire life.

But, Max, you'll always have us
to remind you to ease up on yourself.

Yeah, and maybe you can help
remind us sometimes, too.

Yeah. I can do that.

All right. Good chat, people.

Now let's go downstairs
and vacuum the fridge.

Yeah, and we'll wipe it down
with that shirt.

-I heard that.
-What?

I'm in the room.

Mom, I'm home. And I drove myself.

Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you.

And I'm sorry I couldn't help.

But, hey, I'm not perfect.

Oh, that's hard to say.

-The kid was amazing.
-You think I'm amazing?

The car broke down, Steve fixed it,
and then grilled us steaks on the engine.

Thanks, man. It was fun.

Who are you?

Hey, there's a lot
you don't know about me.

There's a lot I don't know about me.

[door closes]

Hey, what's going on?

Nadia was just showing us
home videos of Fernando in the tub.

Oh, I wanna see a baby Fernando.

He was 16.

Okay, quiet, everyone.
Mrs. Mama has an announcement to make.

I do.

I... have decided to move in.

Yay.

Oh, where are you moving?

Here, of course.

I want to be here for the baby.

D.J., unfortunately, your services
will no longer be required.

My what?

For some reason, she thinks
you're the maid. Ha ha ha ha.

I have no idea how that happened.

You told her.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Okay, well...

I know when I'm not wanted
in somebody else's house.

I'm very confused. Isn't this my house?

What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking that this wine bottle

would make a really nice birdhouse.

When I get a new place and settled,
I'll send for the children.

I'm going. Nobody stop me.

-D.J., wait.
-Yes?

You forgot your mop.

[bangs door]

Seriously, what's going on?

Fernando, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.

Nadia...

-this isn't Fernando's baby.
-Perdon?

What?

I am shocked.

-Whose is it, then?
-Jimmy's.

[gasps] You scoundrel.

Don't shout at the slow strong boy.

Yeah.

I remain very, very confused.

I think it's a m*rder-mystery party.

This is disgraceful,

even for you, what's your name.

I knew it from day one.

-Oh. You're not good enough for my son.
-Mama, stop!

I refuse to let you speak
to Kimberlina that way.

-You dare to stand up to me?
-Maybe.

Yes. Maybe.

Yes. Kimberlina is the love of my life.

And this is not my house. It is D.J.'s.

You rent from the cleaning lady?

She's not the maid. I live next door.

And the truth is, I was not always
the most faithful partner to Kimmy.

-[gasps]
-And we got divorced as a result.

[gasps]

But she gave me another chance,
and we got re-engaged.

Huh?

And the baby is actually mine and Jimmy's.
Kimmy's our surrogate.

If it wasn't
for Kimmy's selflessness, I...

wouldn't have the opportunity
to be a mom.

I've got to admit,
Kimmy is a pretty incredible woman.

Wow. I am really confused.

I second that. About Kimmy being great
and Danny being confused.

And she's a great mom.

I'll vouch for that, too,

even though she did just try to evict me
from my own house.

Kimmy...

I am so sorry. I...

I misjudged you.

And I'm sorry we misled you.

Fernandito, Kimmy is obviously
a very special woman.

You have to win back her trust
so you can put your family together.

I'm working on it.

Kimmy, Mama, Ramona,
Jimmy, D.J., Stephanie...

I am sorry again for my lies.

Should we, um... how you say?
Group hug?

[overlapping chatter]

[all cheer]

You know, uh...
I actually created the group hug.

That's nice.

Still, I think maybe
we should name the baby Nadia.

If it's a girl. And if it's a boy--Nadio.

-Oh, I love it.
-Not a chance.

How about another group hug?
Let's do this.

[all cheer]

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪