04x13 - Opening Night

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy,
the evening TV? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart,
a hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look,
everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there,
and you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

You don't understand.
I'm having a baby in three weeks,

so I need to prove
I'm a responsible, mature adult,

so I need a woobie
and a binky and a whoopsie.

Hah. No, don't even try and sell me
on a boppy.

Kimmy, would you move your fat feet
off my baby's clothes?

I'm eight months pregnant.

I'm having your baby.
Appreciate me. I'm giving you life.

-[door opens]
-Well, move your fat feet.

Don't you fat foot-shame me.

Fat feet built this country.
Would you talk to Abe Lincoln

-or Little Richard that way?
-No.

Are you two still having

the same Abe Lincoln/Little Richard
foot fight you had when I left?

Well, her feet are so fat.

[gasps] You're a monster.

It has become evident
to everyone in the house

the two of you have gotten a little nuts
at the end of this pregnancy.

-How dare they.
-Who said that? I'll k*ll them.

Luckily, I have a solution
for all that ails you.

I just dropped off Tommy
for the weekend at Grandpa Nick's,

and the three of us are finally gonna take
a much-deserved babymoon.

I'm up for anything, as long as
I don't have to move from this couch.

I got us three tickets to Hamilton.

Hamilton?

Great day in the morning.

So apparently she can move her fat feet.

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

Oh, I can't believe we're seeing Hamilton.

We've been trying to get tickets
for a year and a half.

I'm just terrified to tell Max
I only have three tickets for Hamilton.

He's gonna be devastated.

Hamilton? Don't waste my time.

But you love musicals.

Not ones that have
hip-hop, roller skates, or cats.

But your favorite musical is Cats.

What can I say? I'm a complicated fella.

Well, that's not something
you see every day.

Not even in this house.

What? You never know when they might need
a new Schuyler sister.

Someone could slip on a sack of
ball bearings, and then it's showtime.

Kimmy, jazz hands down.

Arms up.

[smack]

I knew it.

Ball bearings?

Kimmy, we are not having a repeat
of Phantom of the Opera.

Hey, that chandelier was coming down
with or without me.

All right, ladies, come on.
Let's do this. Ready?

-Yes.
-Hamilton. Hamilton.

Wait. You guys are gonna go see Hamilton?

No.

This is my only clean outfit.

Hmm. It's an interesting twist
when the parents start lying to you.

And you were in the room
where it happened. See ya.

[door closes]

They're gone.
Time to commence Operation Sandwich.

Yes, yes. I am psyched.

The ladies are out of the house
for five hours.

That is just enough time
for a stealth trip

to Uncle Monty's Sandwich Emporium
of Alameda.

Can't you go whenever you want?

Kimmy banned us from having Uncle Monty's
in the house during her pregnancy

because she said the "smell"
made her feel "nauseous."

She said the same thing
about me saying "holy chalupas."

Come on, Jimmy. It is time
for our secret sandwich rendezvous.

Great. I'm onboard.

Uh uh. You were not invited.

-I'm in.
-It's sort of a private deal.

Let's go.

♪ La la la, la la la la la ♪

Ramona, I finally convinced Rocki
to stop by.

I bet the whole prom thing
has already blown over.

Yeah, women never remember
being humiliated by their boyfriends

in front of the whole school.

Really?

No. Have you ever heard
a Taylor Swift song?

[door opens]

Okay, Fuller, I'm here.

What?

Well, before I get started,
would you like a beverage?

We have six different flavors
of sparkling water.

I'm good. Just talk.

I could go for a passion fruit.

You know what? I'll just get it myself.

[door clicks]

Okay, Rocki.

[takes a deep breath, exhales]

I'm really sorry
I acted like a jerk at the prom.

You don't deserve to be treated that way.

I was just trying to impress
a bunch of losers

when the only person
I really wanted to impress was you.

Thanks, Jackson.

Well, I mean it.

I know you do. And I appreciate it.

-I missed you so much.
-Whoa, whoa.

What you doing there, Fuller?

Uh, badly misreading signals, I guess.

I thought you forgave me. Right?

Oh, I did. But... after what you did
the other night, I can't trust you.

Wait, wait.
What are you, what are you saying?

I'm saying we're done.

We're out of passion fruit.
Anyone want a pamplemousse?

[fingers snapping]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, pardon me. Excuse me.

Pregnant lady in colonial gear
coming through. Excuse me.

We are, like, two feet from the stage.

-I am so performing today.
-No.

You took her ball bearings, right?

Yeah, but she forgot to search for
bra marbles.

[marbles rattle]

Oh, I am so excited.

Quiet. Quiet.

-You are the only one talking.
-It's starting.

-[orchestra playing]
-[screams]

Kimmy, calm down, okay?
We are all excited.

No, my water.

I told you I'm not paying eight dollars
for a water.

No, my water just broke.
The baby's coming.

My baby? Now?

In the theater?

Oh, my labor.

Okay. We have to get you to the hospital.

-Yeah.
-No, I'm not leaving.

At least not until intermission.

[whispers] Kimmy, we are going.

Fine.

How good could these sandwiches be?

Max, you have never tasted

Uncle Monty's number 17
capicola hero with the works.

I am jealous of your mouth.

Number 17? The number 14 meatball grinder

is why God created meat
in the shape of a ball.

I took Steph to Uncle Monty's
on one of our first dates,

and she ordered a number 14.

I just thought, "Wow,

that's the woman for me.

And the sandwich."

[cell phone ringtone]

Guys, we have a situation.

Yes, we certainly do.

This man does not appreciate
a proper gabagool.

No, Kimmy's having the baby.
We need to meet them at the hospital.

Now.

Holy capicoly, this is it.
This is the biggest moment of my life.

I'm about to be a father!

I'll turn the car around.

But we are only five minutes away
from sandwich heaven.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Come on, cheer up, Jackson.
You won't be alone forever.

Another girl who makes poor choices
will come along.

I blew it.
I'll never hear from Rocki again.

[cell phone rings]

That must be her
trying to get back together with me.

No, it's just your mom having the baby.

What?

-Right now?
-Yeah.

They want us to meet them
at the hospital.

How? Neither of us
have a license or a car.

What are we gonna do?

Yeah, this isn't awkward at all.

Yeah, I know, right?

So, what have you been up to?
You seeing anyone?

Yeah, I'm engaged to an Israeli soldier.

What? We just broke up,
like, five minutes ago.

She's kidding, genius.

Thanks for the ride.

You're the only one of our friends
old enough to drive.

Hey, what about Uber?

Yeah, that would have been less awkward.

Kimmy, you're doing great.
Breathe through it.

Here comes a contraction. Oh.

D.J., go.
Oh, what the heck are you waiting for?

There's a blind person in the crosswalk.

Come on, hurry it up!

You call yourself a guide dog?
Guide him across the street.

D.J., go.

Go. As God is my witness,
I will not have another car baby.

You're right.
Plus, I just detailed my car.

I can't believe you stopped for sandwiches

knowing Kimmy's in labor.

I can't believe you chose a number 43.

A vegan bánh mì? If you weren't a child,
I would've left you there.

[brakes squeal]

No.

No!

Guys, if I can't hang on to a sandwich,
how am I ever gonna take care of a baby?

First of all, the baby
is rarely covered in oil and vinegar.

So your chances of dropping it
are pretty low.

[tires squeal]

But you don't have to worry.
All first time dads go through it.

Yeah. Jimmy, you're gonna be a great dad.

Max, you seem like
you have a lot of wisdom

because you're wearing a vest, but...

I'm just not sure.

Trust me. I've seen how you love
Aunt Stephanie.

And I've seen how
you take care of me and Tommy.

Your baby's going to be
the luckiest kid in the world.

Wow. Thanks, Max.

You're gonna be a great dad, too.

You know I'm ten.

Really? Why do I let you do my taxes?

Ooh, I can't believe
this is finally happening.

I know, and I'm so glad
we're all here together.

It's such a beautiful moment-- aah.

There's nothing
as magical as childbir-r-rth.

Where's the doctor?
The doctor should be here!

Deej, you're a doctor.

What? I'm a veterinarian.

Just do something.

Well, your nose is cold and moist,
so that's a good sign.

Oh, yes, it is.

-Oh, yes, it is.
-[door opens]

-Kimberly Gibbler?
-[door closes]

I'm Dr. Miller.
I'll be delivering your baby.

Wait. Where's Dr. Cohen?
He's supposed to deliver the baby.

Funny story. Dr. Cohen signed up
for the lottery for Hamilton,

and he got seats way up in the back,

and he would have come,
but then three hay seeds walked out

and left three
perfectly good front-row seats.

Well, one of those seats
ain't so perfectly good.

Mm.

I don't know you.
I don't know your favorite color.

Do you watch The Bachelor?
Do you have opinions on breakfast toast?

My favorite color is yellow.
My favorite bachelor was Juan Pablo.

I don't mean to brag,
I don't mean to boast,

but I like hot butter
on my breakfast toast.

I think this is a good one.

Have at it.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

I'm about to take off.

I'll be there in two hours.
How was Hamilton?

Oh, well, the first two notes
were wonderful.

And the Raisinets were nine dollars.

Deej, that's a rookie move.
You gotta smuggle that stuff in.

That's why I always have licorice
in my shoes.

Honey, sometimes it's good to keep
a little mystery in the relationship.

-I love you.
-Love you.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Oh, what took you guys so long?

Traffic.

You do realize
I see you eating a sandwich.

No, you don't.

Okay, so how dilated are we?

We are at nine centimeters.

How do you know what that is?

Have you ever seen me miss an episode
of Grey's Anatomy?

I could deliver that baby myself.

Yeah, let's hope
it doesn't come to that, Dr. McVesty.

-Where is my precious Kimberlina?
-Aah!

I'd know that scream anywhere.

Must be a really bad contraction.

Oh, no. That means
she can't find the remote.

Aah!

Now, that was a contraction.

Quick, get in here. Oh, wait.

Is that a number 14?

With extra pepperoncini.

You're the greatest. Heh heh.

-Come on, let's go meet our baby.
-Okay.

[woman over PA] ...call the operator.

Dr. West, call the operator.

-Rocki, thanks for driving us.
-Yeah, you don't have to stay.

Well, now I'm here,
I kinda want to meet the baby.

Oh, you're staying. Well, does that mean
that we're, like, back togeth--

Shut up, Fuller,
and enjoy my company.

[Joni Mitchell's "The Circle Game"
playing]

♪Yesterday ♪

♪ The child came out to wander ♪

♪ Caught a dragonfly inside a jar ♪

♪ Fearful ♪

♪ When the sky was full of thunder ♪

♪ And tearful ♪

♪ At the falling of a star ♪

♪ And the seasons ♪

♪ They go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted ponies
go up and down ♪

♪ We're c*ptive on the carousel of time ♪

♪ You can't return ♪

♪ You can only look behind
from where we came ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪Then the child moved ten times ♪

♪ Round the seasons ♪

♪ Skated over ♪

♪ Ten clear frozen streams ♪

♪ Words like, when you're older ♪

♪ Must appease him ♪

♪ And promises of someday ♪

[baby crying]

♪ Make his dreams ♪

♪ And the seasons,
they go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're c*ptive on a carousel of time ♪

♪ We can't return, we can only look ♪

♪ Behind from where we came ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

She's so beautiful.

You have a daughter, Steph.

Thanks to you.

-You were awesome, Sis.
-Yeah.

Not as amazing as my prediction
that it would be a girl.

It says "boy."

What does it say on the other side?

Girl.

Oh, my gosh. You are a witch.

Oh.

She looks just like you, Steph.

Mm-hmm. She's perfect.

I can't stop staring at her.

Just wait until she throws up on you
at three in the morning.

Aw, even that's gonna be cute.

Mm-hmm.

Kimmy, you're just awesome.

And, Steph, I am just so happy for you.
You're gonna be an incredible mom.

Oh. Kimmy, I am so grateful.

None of this would've been possible
without you.

Anything for you, Steph.

You've always been
like a little sister to me.

You were so brave, my Kimberlina.

It's true. I am pretty great.

Oh, we have a new pup
in the she-wolf pack.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[all howl]

What are you going to name her?

Oh, right, a name.
I knew we forgot something.

Don't worry, babe.
It's fine. We've got time.

I mean, you know,
not a lot of time, because she's here.

You know, there is one thing
I didn't forget.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

I've been wanting to do this
for a really long time.

I wanted to wait until the baby got here
in case she had a strong objection.

I love you, Steph.
I have always loved you.

And I always will love you
and baby-to-be-named-later.

Stephanie Judith Tanner,

will you make me
the happiest man in the world

and do me the honor of being my wife?

You sure? I mean,
you know I have a baby, right?

I have never been more sure of anything
in my entire life.

Marry me.

Yes. Oh, yes.
Absolutely I will marry you, Jimmy.

I love you.

Oh, I am so happy for you both.

-Oh.
-Deej.

Ahem. Bring that hug over here.

Oh.

Oh, Kimmy.

I knew this day would come.

Stephanie Tanner, you are now
officially going to be a Gibbler.

Huh?

[Carly Rae Jepsen] One, two, three, four

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪