05x18 - Our Very Last Show, Again

[bunniefuu]

[theme song playing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paper boy
The evening TV ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Everywhere you look, everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a face, there's a face ♪

♪ Somebody who needs you
There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing]

[overlapping chatter]

Well, I think that rehearsal dinner
qualifies as a success.

Hmm. Well, it went better
than the last rehearsal dinner.

Kimmy and Fernando didn't do
a kabuki dance.

This might be the rare wedding of ours
where someone actually gets married.

[Stephanie] Oh.

Honey, I'm so sorry.
Did we leave you at the restaurant?

Oh, that's okay.

Somebody had to stay
for the end of Danny's toast.

So, it did finally end?

Hey.

Where did everybody go?

I ended up singing "Butterfly Kisses"
to the busboy.

Poor kid pulled the fire alarm
just to make it stop.

Well, now that the rehearsal dinner
is done,

there is only one last thing to do
with the wedding planning binder.

Hmm, Frisbee that thing out the window?

Burn it in a ceremonial bonfire?

Get gorgeous and get married.

[all chuckle]

So, all I have to do is get married.

It's bedtime.

Here, Tommy, I'll read to you.

It might be my last chance
before I move away.

[gasps]

Move away?

Why would you say that in front of my mom?

Don't poke the bear.

That's right, Ramona.

This bear is still living
in a bubble of denial

where nobody is moving out
and we only talk about happy things,

like weddings and bedtime stories and pie.

Ooh, I'll have pie.

It might be our last chance to eat pie
before we move away.

What part of "don't poke the bear"
do you not understand?

I know we all want a late-night snack,

but we have to fit into
our wedding dresses and tuxes.

We only get six almonds?

No.

We each get one.

Well, who gets the raisins?

Oh, no, those aren't for eating.
Those are there to zhoosh up the plate.

Whoa, it's 11:57.

Grooms, we've got to get out of here.

But I'm in the middle of my almond.

Bad things will befall us
if we see our brides after midnight.

It's wedding tradition.

Oh, come on. I don't believe
any of that superstition stuff.

I'm not superstitious.
I'm only slightly stitious.

We're tempting the fates here, people.

Unless one of you wants to start drinking
goat's blood, we've gotta get out of here.

Well, I'm goat's blood-intolerant,
so it looks like we're leaving.

-Love you.
-Bye, love you.

-Good night.
-See you tomorrow.

-Where's my phone? I left my phone.
-Oh, here, hon.

Oh. Great.

Luckily, I set an alarm
on my phone for midnight

so I wouldn't be looking at you
on our wedding day.

[alarm chimes]

Oh, no. I'm looking at you
on our wedding day!

It's just a silly superstition.

Nothing bad's gonna happen tomorrow.

[Stephanie] Seized?

Our wedding venue is seized?

Ah! Jimmy!

No, no, no, no, this can't be happening
on our wedding day!

Let us in!

Ladies, I need you to step away.

This venue is government property
on account of money laundering,

tax evasion, and terrible chicken Kiev.

Can't you seize this tomorrow?

We're getting married today.

[laughs] Not here you ain't.

But, on behalf of the US government...

a hearty mazel tov.

Where the heck is our waitress?
We ordered coffee over 20 minutes ago.

[Danny chuckles]

-She sure is a pretty waitress.
-[chuckles]

-Thanks, Jess.
-There you go.

-Thank you, my brother.
-Yep.

I can't believe two of my daughters
are getting married today.

We are so old.

Hey, speak for yourself. I'm still wearing
the same jeans I wore in middle school.

That Mr. Jordache made a quality product.

I am so proud of the way
those girls came together for each other,

just like we did.
Now, they're moving on, just like we did.

The most important thing is
we did a good job raising those girls.

Yep, we raised confident,
resourceful women.

Who still live in this house rent-free.

You lived in this house rent-free.

That's because I'm a confident,
resourceful woman.

Mmm!

Which reminds me,
I gotta get my haircut from Alejandro.

Alejandro? He's still alive?

This keeps him alive.

Oh! The wedding's a disaster.

Everybody, get in here!

We are at DEFCON four.

Or DEFCON one.
Whatever DEFCON is worse.

Deej, what's wrong?
Why are we at DEFCON one or four?

The government seized the venue.
There's nowhere to have the wedding.

Oh, that's definitely DEFCON one.

I've read a ton of books
about the Cold w*r.

[Jimmy] Oh, no!

Jimmy,? What are you doing?

I'm making sure I don't look at you again.

I obviously triggered a curse
by seeing you after midnight.

Is everything okay?

Jimmy didn't trigger a curse, did he?

No, there's no curse.

It's just that, you know,
moments after Jimmy saw me after midnight,

a hundred-year-old wedding venue
got seized by the government

in a very curse-like fashion.

I have an idea.

I know you all think I'm corny
and overly sentimental--

[all] Yes.

But all along, I have secretly wondered

why we weren't having the ceremony
in our own backyard.

I mean, maybe this isn't a curse.
Maybe it's a sign.

What, that you were right all along?

Well, yes.

We've had our greatest memories here.

And now,

we are gonna have
the greatest one of all,

because we are gonna get married
right here.

Okay, maybe not right here,
but right there in the backyard.

Yes! That is going to be so much cheaper.

I mean, so much more meaningful.

Okay, people, all hands on deck.

Kimmy, you're a party planner.

You can get us furniture, linens,
and flowers.

Steph, you're in charge of the music.

I'll alert the guests.

I'll tidy up.

Done.

And I'll call your hair stylist,
Mr. Frederick, to come fix...

whatever this is.

Jimmy, come on.

Okay, we can do this.

This wedding was meant to be in our home.

Yeah, see? There's no curse.

[phone chimes]

Oops, hold on, I just got a text.

Oh, bad news, people.
I just got a text from Pastor Tim.

He says he's got another assignment

for a high-profile celebrity wedding.

Who's better than us?

Oh. That's so much better than us.

Don't worry, I'm gonna find us
another officiant.

I'm gonna make sure you guys
have the perfect wedding.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, people, buckle up.

We are flying binder-less.

[vocalizing]

Danny,
why can't we just officiate the wedding?

Because we have to walk the ladies
down the aisle.

And remember what happened
the last time you officiated a wedding?

Well, yeah, the bride ran away
and they ended up not getting married.

Oh.

And we've only got three hours to find
the perfect person to lead this ceremony.

Larry, why do you want
to officiate the wedding?

I don't. I want to stop the wedding.

[both] Next.

♪ Say it's only a paper moon ♪

♪ Sailing over a cardboard sea ♪

[both] Next.

I've been married, like, four times.

I can do the ceremony in my sleep.

[both] Next.

Matt, you're a licensed minister?

[sighs] I'm not.

But I am!

Oliver?

Next.

No, hold on.
I kind of like where he's going with this.

I have one more idea...

but it's a long sh*t.

Sorry, I parked in the back.

♪ 'Cause I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪

♪ A Yankee Doodle, do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam ♪

[vocalizing]

Mr. Frederick,
this is completely unprofessional.

Now, pack up your hot iron
and get your tuchus down here.

Hello?

The wedding is two hours away.
Who's gonna do our hair?

Kimberlina, have you seen my cuff links?

Without my links,
my cuffs are running amok.

He can do our hair.

Ooh, hair.

-No.
-Definitely not.

I'd rather just cancel the wedding.

It's either Fernando, or Jackson
cutting our hair using a soup bowl.

Give me a minute. I'm thinking.

You're doing our hair, Fernando.
Welcome aboard.

I'm doing hair again? [gasps]

I'm going back to my roots
to fix your roots.

What a momentous day.

Nothing could be more exciting.

And you're getting married.

Yes.

Thank you guys so much for helping us.

I don't know how we're gonna
pull this off.

Are you kidding?

We pulled off a Renaissance fair
in like 45 minutes.

Hey, Ramona. Hey, Jackson.

Lola, you made it!

Of course I did.

I got your invitation to a triple wedding.

You can miss one wedding,
but you can't miss three.

[voice cracks] Hey, Lola.

Didn't know you were coming. You look…

Hey, Lola.

Lola, I'd like for you to meet
my boyfriend, Ethan.

Nice work.

I'm Rocki.

Yes, she is Rocki.

Not the boxer, the mountains,
or the squirrel.

Ethan, would you mind escorting Lola
to where the guests will be sitting?

Sure thing.

"Not the squirrel"?

Really?

[Ramona] What is wrong with you?

[imitating Jackson's voice cracking]
"Hey, Lola. Hey, Lola."

What, you didn't even introduce Rocki
as your girlfriend.

She hates when I do that.

She told me a million times.

"When we're in public,
pretend you don't know me."

I swear, you know nothing
about relationships.

Did someone say Popko?

-Hey, Popko, get the heck over here.
-Hey, Jackson. What's up, buddy?

[both chuckle]

[high-pitched]
Hey, Popko.

Hey, Ramona.

Okay, what else can I do to help?

Ethan?

-No way. What's up?
-How you doing?

You invited my Postmates guy.

How do you guys know each other?

This is my...

Ethan.

[Fernando humming]

Voilà.

I am sorry I didn't have enough time
to give you the full Fernando, but...

even the half Fernando
is more than what most humans can handle.

We look beautiful.

[DJ] Aww.

I can't believe it.

It's Kimmy's time.

[Jimmy] Stop!

Fernando!
I heard you're cutting Kimmy's hair!

And your problem is?

You can't see her getting ready
before the wedding.

Are you kidding?

[Jimmy]
Does it look like I'm kidding?

I've never seen him this serious before.

[Jimmy] Fernando, put on this blindfold
and cut your fiancée's hair.

Uh, that doesn't seem like
the smartest idea.

I know what I'm doing.

Okay, here are my sharpest scissors.

Point me towards Kimmy.

Hey, I just ran into Lola and Popko.
Awesome.

Not awesome. Disaster.

That's what I meant to say. Disaster.

Wait, why is it a disaster?

Because we forgot to introduce
Ethan and Rocki to our exes.

Ooh! That is some solid CW-level
teen drama right there.

Welcome to Riverdale.

Okay, listen, we don't have a lot of time,
so I'm going to make this fast.

In life, you're gonna run into exes.

But those run-ins have no strength
against the power of a real relationship.

And you'd be surprised at how effective
a simple "I'm sorry" can be.

Really?

Yeah. Now go out there
and just talk to Rocki and Ethan.

Or they could come in here.

If we've proven anything today,

location doesn't matter
when it comes to love.

Ethan, you mean the world to me.

Seeing Popko today surprised me
and I didn't handle it well.

I should have told him
you were my boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

You mean the world to me, too.

Can you come outside?

Your uncle Jimmy has a bag on his head
and keeps knocking over chairs.

Rocki, you mean the world to me.
Seeing Lola today surprised--

So you're just gonna do
the exact same thing Ramona did?

It worked for her.

Well, it's not working for you, so…

Rocki, don't go.

I love you!

What did you say?

I said...

I love you.

I love you, too.

[vocalizing]

You all look so beautiful.

Papa really does
his best work blindfolded.

[Stephanie] Hmm.

We do look good, don't we?

I'd marry us.

Most people think the three of us
are married as it is.

As someone who's famously indifferent
about the institution of marriage,

I know that you and Papa
will be really happy together.

And you deserve it.

Thank you for being the best daughter
in the world.

And this applies to all of you.

No crying.
I don't have time to redo your makeup.

You heard the lady.

Nobody think about
how we've been friends for 30 years

and this is the last time
we'll be together as single women.

[all sniffling, moaning]

You're k*lling me here, Gibbler.

[vocalizing]

Hello, Max.

Good afternoon, Rose.
[snaps]

You're looking as lovely as always.

Oh, Max, you're such a charmer.

And is this your older sister?

Wow, he actually is a charmer.
[chuckles]

It's good to see you, Max.

Good to see you, too, CJ.

The guests are outside.

I'm so glad you two could make it.

Oh, we wouldn't miss it.

Plus I wanted to see
if Steve could say "I do."

It's not his specialty.

Oh, how I've missed you, Rose.

[classical string music playing]

Man, if DJ could put this together
in one day,

what the heck was she planning
for eight months?

Hold that thought, Joey.

Vicky.

I'm so glad you could make it.

I've always loved your girls.

I'm so thrilled for you and your family.

That's so sweet.

I'm so glad we've stayed friends
all these years.

Me, too.

You're not gonna object, are you?

No, I'm not.

But Oliver is a loose cannon,
so who knows what he will say.

Shh!

It's starting.

["Bridal Chorus" playing]

Oh.

Danny, do me a favor.
Put my name on your gift.

-I paid for the wedding.
-Yeah, that's good.

Hey, Danny, you ever find a minister?

I sure did.

Oh, my McIntyre!

Joey McIntyre.

I would k*ll him if this wasn't
such a touching gesture.

[silently] Thank you.

Dearly beloved, we are here today

to marry these three New Kids superfans
to their grooms.

I understand you've written your own vows,
which is good news,

since I just got
my online minister's license

ten minutes ago
and I'm wildly unprepared.

Kimmy and Fernando.

The greatest day of my life
was the day you came into it.

You gave me a daughter...

who is even more beautiful than I am.

Just getting a second chance
to be a better man in your eyes

has been the most incredible gift.

Fernando, you opened my heart
like no one else ever has.

And when we parted, my heart was broken.

But you showed me the healing power
of second chances

and how it can be even sweeter
the second time around.

I know that the last place you expected
to find love was with a Gibbler.

But living next door to you
all these years,

I came to see a glimpse

of the... big-hearted, free-spirited woman
you've become.

And it would be my great honor
to spend the rest of my life with you.

You and our beautiful baby, Danielle,
have opened my life...

to joy that I never thought possible.

I love you, Jimmy Gibbler.

Wow, these are really good.

Steve and DJ.

Today's the day I've been dreaming about
since I was a boy.

And today, I get to stand here before you
as a man

and say that sometimes a boy's dreams
do get to come true.

Steven Hale.

When we met as teenagers,
you were kind and funny and so handsome.

But I never could have anticipated
the really great man you would become.

I love you. I cherish you.

And I can't wait to begin the next chapter
of my life with you.

[sniffles] Wow, and I thought
"Please Don't Go, Girl" was romantic.

Whatever.

And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Kimmy, Stephanie, DJ,

do you take these men
to be your lawfully wedded husbands?

I do.

I do.

I do.

And Fernando, Jimmy, and Steve,

do you take these women to be
your lawfully wedded wives?

I do.

I do.

I do.

By the power vested in me
by the state of California

and a three-decade-long hit-making career,

I now pronounce you all
husbands and wives.

[folk-pop music playing]

♪ This is the first day of my life ♪

♪ I swear I was born
Right in the doorway ♪

♪ I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed ♪

♪ They're spreading blankets
On the beach ♪

♪ And yours was the first face
That I saw ♪

♪ I think I was blind before I met you ♪

♪ Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been ♪

♪ But I know where I want to go ♪

♪ So I'd thought I'd let you know ♪

♪ Yeah, these things take forever
I especially am slow ♪

♪ But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh... ♪

[Joey] One of the great honors of my life
was to be included in this family,

and I can't wait to see what happens next.

I love you guys.

-[DJ] Love you!
-[all] Cheers!

I have to say, when I first
moved into this house,

I was a... young, clueless kid
with a hole in my heart

that I thought would never heal.

But you all filled that hole
with so much love.

I wish you all a lifetime
with as much love as you've given me.

Cheers.

[all] Cheers.

On three, two, one...

[women whooping, cheering] Whoo! Whoo!

When a little girl is born,

all her dad wishes for
is that she be safe and happy forever.

May all your days
be a little bit like this one:

full of joy and happiness

and surrounded by the people who love you.

-I love you.
-I love you.

I love you.

Cheers.

[all] Cheers.

-[Joey] Nice.
-[Jesse] Nice job.

[men chuckle]

[all] Mmm.

So much better than six almonds.

Well, the denial bubble
has officially popped.

It's our last night
in this house together.

But today was perfect.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Yeah, we got to spend
the best day of our lives

with the most important people
in the world.

We should probably find our husbands.

-Oh, yeah.
-Those guys, yeah.

[Stephanie] Hmm.

Wow, it's empty in here.

I guess this is really happening.

Yeah.

It's so weird.

I know this is probably an odd time
to bring this up,

but you owe me seven dollars.

Sorry, I'm uncomfortable with emotion.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

We're gonna miss you, too.

We love you, Ramona.

I love you guys, too.

You know, when I first moved in here,

I thought these group hugs
were nauseating.

But now, they're the thing
I'm gonna miss the most.

Well, I'll help you with your stuff.

And...

you can just Venmo me
the seven dollars.

Ramona, you ready?

To leave? No.

But I have everything out of my room.

Yep, we're all packed, too.

Well, I've been trying to avoid
this moment for a long time, but...

I guess there's no hiding from it
any longer.

When you guys came here five years ago,

I was at my lowest point.

I honestly wasn't sure how to keep going.

But you taught me how to live again...

and how to love again.

And now, thanks to all of you, I...

I finally have the strength
to set you free...

and let you live your own lives
with your own families.

But I just have to say that...

you people are my everything.

[sniffles]

And it would take me a thousand lives
to repay you for the love and the kindness

that you showed me and my boys
in this one.

Okay, now everybody go
before I get emotional.

[DJ] I love you.

[door opens]

Hey, guys, why don't we give your mom
a minute with Kimmy and Steph?

[Stephanie] See you soon, buddy.
Thanks, Steve.

I love you ladies.

We know.

We love you, too.

One last howl?

On three.

One, two, three...

[all howl]

Bye, Deej.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

Go.

Come on, Kimmy.

[lock clicks]

[knocking at door]

Okay,
so I know we don't have to live here,

but what if we want to?

We can't imagine raising our families
any other way.

Wait, you mean you want to stay?

Of course we do.

It's lonely out there.

Yeah.

Besides, there's nowhere else
I'd rather be.

Especially with a new baby on the way.

[Kimmy gasps]

Wait. You mean…

Yeah, I'm pregnant.

[DJ laughs]

I'm so happy for you, Steph.

It's a miracle.

So...

what do you think?

Can we stay?

Of course.

The door is always open.

She said we can stay!

[instrumental version of theme song plays]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[vocalizing]