01x14 - The Rave

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[thunder]

Ethics, my favorite class.

That's because I'm
so darn ethical--

not.

It's because it's easy, and
Mrs. Teasedale loves me.

Ha, I could get an
A in my sleep.

Guess what?

Mrs. Teasedale
just won the lottery.

She quit Cal U, and she's flying
to Bora Bora with the soccer coach.

Well, good for her.
She deserves it.

Yeah, and so does he.

The soccer team's had
a heckuva season.

Forget about that.

Does anybody know who
her replacement is?

Professor Hemmings?
[groans]

Oh, man, Hemmings?

The guy eats freshmen for lunch.

They call him Hannibal Lecturer.

He is a world-renowned
scholar and author.

The Supreme Court consults him.

- He's a genius.
- Yeah, but he's hard.

- He's brutal.
- He's impossible.

He's here.

[thunder]

Wow, I hope this doesn't happen
every time he walks in the room.

♪ I'm standing
at the edge of tomorrow, ♪

♪ and it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ I'm standing at the
edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a view before, ♪

♪ a new world before my eyes ♪

♪ So much for me to explore ♪

♪ It's where my future lies ♪

♪ Today, I'm standing at
the edge of tomorrow ♪

♪ From here, the future
looks bright for me ♪

♪ And it's all up to
me how far I go ♪

♪ It's my time to break away ♪

♪ I'm standing at the edge
of tomorrow today ♪

Good morning, ladies
and gentlemen.

My name is Professor
Arthur Hemmings,

and I have only two rules.

Excuse me, Professor?

May I say on behalf
of the whole class

that we are honored to
have you as our teacher?

No, you may not.

Rule number one,

never speak unless recognized.

Rule number two,
if you do speak,

say something interesting.

Boy, what do you say we chip in
and buy him some lottery tickets?

Ethics,

every day of your life you
make ethical decisions.

My job is to make you aware of
the consequences of those decisions.

Imagine, for example, you work
for a dress designer.

You have an opportunity to appropriate
a rival company's hot new idea.

What would you do?

Me?

Design dresses?

No way.

Fine, you work for a company
more suited to your abilities.

You haul manure.

Would you steal the idea?

Well, what for?

How many ways are there
to haul manure?

Well, with your gift
for analytical thought,

I'm sure one
day you'll find out.

What about you, young lady?

- Is it ethical?
- Me?

Um, I'm an actress, so ethics
will never apply to me.

Oh, you're an actress?

Yes, I am.

Well, next time, could
you act as if you have

the flimsiest shred of intellect
in that tiny thespian head?

Come on, people.

Is there no one in the class
capable of extemporaneous thought?

The question simply is, would
you or would you not steal the idea?

Would I get a promotion?

Vice presidency, six-figure
salary, stock options.

You sold me.
I'd steal it.

Are you quite sure about that?

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, uh, Machiavelli
probably would have stolen the idea,

lied about it, and
then covered it up.

But he would have had a
brilliant justification for it.

You do know who Machiavelli
was, don't you?

Is he Senator Bob Packwood's
attorney?

This is pathetic.

I want every other
row to stand up.

Now, take a good look around.

This is how many people are
going to repeat this course.

50% of my students fail.

Excuse me, Professor Hemmings?

Would that be the
half that are sitting

or the half that
are standing?

We'll find out, won't we?

Do you believe this
ethics assignment?

I haven't read this many
books in my whole life.

Well, I'm not gonna let
Hemmings get to me.

I have never gotten
less than a B in my life,

and I am not
about to start.

Well, I've got wrestling
practice and a job.

If I'm gonna study,

I better find someone to cover
for me at the student union.

You guys know anyone?

Ooh, I can do it.

No, can't think of anyone.

- Me neither.
- I'm drawing a blank.

Slater, didn't you hear me?
I said I can do it.

Kelly?

Hey, could you cover for me at
the student union, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, Slater.

Busing tables is such
an icky job.

Besides, I'm really busy at the health
center disposing of surgical waste.

Come on, Slater, please.

It's always been my lifelong
dream to don the proud uniform

of a food service worker.

Besides, we're talking about
busing tables, not brain surgery.

Whoops.
Sorry, Clara.

Guess I went in the
out door again.

That idiot isn't a permanent
employee, is he?

Clara, he's just filling in
for me for a couple days.

Thank goodness he's not
doing brain surgery.

Oh.

Whoops.
Wrong door again.

You know what's confusing me?

It's that one door says "In,"
and the other says, "Out."

You know, someone should
have a meeting about this.

Do that again, I'm sticking
your head in the microwave.

So, you studying for midterms?

Yeah.
We got a new professor.

His study load's impossible.

Ask for an extension.

Yeah, I don't think that would
work with this professor.

Listen, professors
are people too.

You don't have to be afraid of--

oh no.
It's Hemmings.

He's the only professor
to ever make me cry.

Excuse me, Dr. Hemmings?

I'm Alex Tabor.

I'm in your ethics class.

Mm, sorry.

I didn't recognize you.

Oh, this.

I just came from a pep rally.

I'm the school mascot.
I'm Freddy the Falcon.

Well, I'm glad that's the
case, because otherwise,

you'd just be some
lunatic in a bird suit.

I just came to ask you for an
extension on the midterm.

You would not believe the
demands on Freddy's time.

Well, you tell Freddy for me

that I once failed an entire
championship basketball team,

so you can imagine how I feel
about a cartoon bird.

Right, OK, thank you.

[cries]

Screech, you're
mushing the food.

You've gotta carry the
plates like this.

Hey, that's great, Kelly.

They go to table three.

Screech, I'm not gonna--

In the 18th century,
Immanuel Kant stated that

human beings have an innate
sense of an absolute moral law.

However, they don't always act
in accordance with this moral law,

but rather in accordance
with their own selfish needs.

Mr. Morris, can you name
Kant's theory?

No, I Kant.

The answer is the
categorical imperative.

I'm glad you find this
amusing, Mr. Morris.

Just remember, as
Reinhold Niebuhr said,

laughter is the
beginning of prayer,

and prayer is just about the only
hope you have of passing my midterm.

Good day.

Excuse me, Dr. Hemmings?

I'm Leslie Burke.

I'm having a very difficult
time with your class,

and I was wondering if
you'd have time to tutor me.

No.

Well, I'd work around
your schedule.

Any time you say, I'll make
myself available.

No.

Burke?

Ah, is your father Walter Burke?

Yes, sir.

Oh, I know him well.

He's a fine man and a generous
university contributor.

He and I play golf together
all the time.

Well, I'll tell Daddy
you said hello.

Please do.

So would you consider
tutoring me now?

No.

Oh, sir. Here, let
me help you with that.

You know, I've been meaning to tell
you how much I'm enjoying your class.

Somehow I Kant believe you.

Touché, sir, very droll.

Are you sucking up to me?

No, sir.
I'm just interested in ethics.

Oh, well then why don't
you trot over to the library

and read "Foundations
of Practical Ethics" by me?

Good day.

Good day.

Uh, sir?

He dropped the midterm.

Now, this brings up a very
interesting ethical question.

Do I give the
test to my friends,

or do I sell the test
to my friends?

Hey, Mike.

Oh, hi, Mr. Rogers.
How may I serve you?

Ah, I'd like I bacon, lettuce,
and tomato on wheat,

extra lettuce, no mayonnaise.

Got it, (SLOWLY) bacon.

What was the rest?

Could you hurry it up, please?

Screech, you don't
write it all down.

Here, let me show you.

Clara, give me a BLT on wheat,
extra L, no mayo.

- Got it.
- Hey, you're pretty good.

I would like a chicken
sandwich, plain, on a toasted roll.

Oh, I got this, Mike.

Clara? I need a naked
chick with hot buns.

Screech, that is sexual
harassment.

Clara, Screech couldn't
sexually harass himself.

Thanks, Mike.

I don't believe you.

You k*lled Hemmings
and stole the midterm?

I'm not very good at this class,
Zack, but I think that's unethical.

The test fell out of
Hemmings' briefcase.

So, should we look at it or not?

I'm not sure.

Give me a second to
think this over.

I mean, what's the worst that
would happen if I fail the test?

You couldn't wrestle.

Right, and if I can't wrestle,

we could start losing matches.

If we lose, the alumni could
stop donating money.

The whole university
could collapse.

Hundreds of professors
would be out of work,

including Professor Hemmings.

Don't you see?
I have to cheat for him.

You're good.

All I could think of was, if I
fail, my mom will yell at me.

But you gotta remember,
this is serious stuff.

All right?
We can't tell anyone.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

OK.

Hey, Alex?

- Guess what?
- What?

Zack's got the ethics test.

Oh, way to keep a secret.

Why don't you just
go on "Geraldo"?

You've got a copy of the test?

All right, all right.

You can see it.

I don't want to see it.
I will not be a party to this.

Fine, you're not invited
to this party.

Give us the test back.

No, I won't let you do it.
It's wrong.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Whoa, whoa, you can't do that.

Would you rather I tell
Professor Hemmings?

I guess you can do that.

Someday you'll thank
me for this.

I said, someday you'll
thank me for this.

(TOGETHER RELUCTANTLY)
Thank you, Leslie.

Good.

Now I'm gonna go study.

I think I'd better take
this to the dumpster.

(TOGETHER RELUCTANTLY)
Thank you, Leslie.

So would you like some
fries with that?

Six years of college and
I actually said that.

Kelly? Kelly, the
manager's on her way.

What'll I do?

Stand in one place and
don't touch anything.

Right.

Screech?

When Slater recommended you,

I have to admit I
had my reservations.

After all, I've seen
you eat here.

But several students have told me
how good the service has been lately.

Well, I've had a little help.

I know a good thing
when I see it.

I'm promoting you to
assistant manager.

Assistant manager.

I'm assistant manager, and
I owe it all to you guys.

There will be a big thank-you note in
each of your pay envelopes this week.

We don't get paid.

Oh, well then there will just
be a big thank-you note.

Whoa.

Ouch.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing?

Look, I--

Uh, I couldn't sleep so I
decided to go for a stroll.

Oh, yes, the dumpsters are so
peaceful and calming this time of night.

Look, we're obviously here
for the same reason.

Now, just look for the test.

OK.

Hey, look.
Look, I found a piece.

- Ooh.
- Questions 8 through 12.

Great, great. Well, that means the
other piece must be around here too.

- Yeah.
- So come on, keep looking.

Hey, guys. Someone's coming.
Dive, dive.

- Dive.
- Dive.

[screams]

It's me, Alex.

Oh, please don't tell anybody
that you saw me down here.

- OK.
- OK.

Leslie, I can't believe you of
all people would be down here

after all you said
about cheating.

Well, Hemmings is being
so unreasonable.

It's almost like he's
forcing me to cheat,

and I don't care
who knows it.

- That's terrible.
- Somebody's coming.

Hide.

(SINGING) ♪ Sunny days, sweeping
the clouds away ♪

♪ On my way to where
the air is sweet ♪

[hums]

You know, something
just struck me.

Yeah, me too, and it's starting
to run down my neck.

I'm talking about what we're
doing here, this whole cheating thing.

We're stooping about
as low as you can.

What makes you say that?

Well, we're neck high
in garbage, Alex.

You don't have to be a genius
to figure out the symbolism here.

Hey, I found it, guys.
I think I found it.

Look.

- That's it.
- Yeah.

- We have the whole test.
- Isn't that great?

Yeah, really great.

Buenos días, and
welcome to Fiesta Day.

Hasta luego.

Come again and bring an amigo.

Screech, look.

I'm not getting paid,
and even if I was,

you couldn't pay me
enough to wear this goofy hat.

Hey, no sombrero, no jobbo.

You're fired.

And you're insane.

Well, there goes your letter
of recommendation, honey.

Screech, why is that burro
tied to the bike rack?

Oh, it's advertising.

It says, something
special's happening inside.

Well, something special's
happening outside too.

I think I just stepped in it.

Hey, el pollo loco.

We quit.

Well, fine, then turn
in your sombrero.

No, I'm keeping the sombrero.

I kinda like it.

How is Fiesta Day going?

Well, I have no customers, no
employees and no friends.

All I have is this--

oh no, there goes the burro.

This is a disaster.
You're the assistant manager.

What are you gonna
do about this?

There's only one thing to do.

I'm fired.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go get the burro back
before the petting zoo misses him.

Pepe, Pepe?

Good morning, ladies
and gentlemen.

In case you've forgotten,

today is the day
you take your midterm.

I can promise you one thing,

this is one test
you'll never forget.

What?

So you mean all that we've been through,
we're not going to have a test now?

Well, in a way, you've
already had it.

You see, this past week
I strategically placed

copies of this test
all over the campus

so that each of you would have
an opportunity to see it.

The real test was whether or
not you chose to cheat.

So what you're trying to
say is you set us up?

Yes.

Perhaps now, you can do
what you should have done

when I first came
into this class,

have a real
discussion of ethics.

Mr. Slater, let us
begin with you.

How would you grade yourself

on the little
test I just gave you?

The truth?

If you don't mind.

Well, I only looked at
enough answers to pass

so I can stay
on the wrestling team.

So I'd give myself a C.

You sure you're not just
rationalizing, Mr. Slater.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't deserve a C.
How about a C-?

What about you, young lady?

Well, I didn't cheat, sir.

I was perfectly honest.

I deserve an A.

Really?

All right, all right.
I cheated.

I cheated and I lied.

I cheated and I lied and I
left the cap off the toothpaste!

I'm a horrible person.

Somebody else, please?
Anybody else?

Well, I always thought
it was easy to be ethical,

but when the pressure was on,

I jumped in the garbage
with everyone else.

I'd give myself an F.

Well, maybe you looked inside
yourself and you found something.

That's good.

That's ethics.

Thank you, sir.

And what about you,
Mr. Morris?

You always seem to be willing
to cut a few ethical corners.

Did you cheat?

I wanted to.

I mean, I really,
really wanted to,

but for some strange
reason, I didn't.

It's got me a little worried.

Well, don't worry.

It's called character.

Anyway, speaking of character,
what about you?

I mean, you tricked us.
You lied to us?

Wasn't your behavior unethical?

Perhaps.

On the one hand, I was
deceitful and manipulative.

On the other hand,
I made you think.

But you do raise an
interesting point.

For that, maybe you
deserve an A.

Thank you, sir.

And you know something --

this is a really great class.

But remember,

just because you deserve an A

doesn't mean
you're going to get one.

What?
But th-- that's not fair.

That's not-- ethical.

Isn't it?

Let's discuss that.

This guys some piece of work.

What about you?

I mean, you, you, uh-- sh**t.

Uh, wh-- wait--

[laughter]

What about you?
I mean, you tricked us.

You lied to us.

Wasn't your behavior unethical?

Perhaps.

On the one hand, I was the--

on the other hand--
[laughs]

[theme music]