05x13 - The Hooters

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Ah, wood-shop class.

Back in the ' s, this
sawdust-covered danger zone

was a place where students
handled heavy-duty machinery

no kid should ever touch.

Whoa! That almost hit me, dude!

I know! I should not
be around this equipment!

No matter what school you went to,

all shop teachers were cut
from the same piece of wood.

Ours was Mr. Crosby.

And remember... safety first.

There's no room for tomfoolery,
shenanigans,

or joyful horseplay in this class.

And why is that?

ALL: We'll cut off our finger.

And why do we always measure twice?

ALL: We'll cut off our finger.

And how do we know this to be true?

ALL: You cut off your finger.

That's right. I cut off my finger.

And this one!

This one they sewed back on,
but it doesn't work right.

Finger rejected the host.

Yep, wood shop was grueling
and difficult

and only came naturally
to the select few.

Check it, Mom. I made a spice rack.

Oh, my God,

I was literally just saying
this is exactly what I need.

Whoo-hoo! Look at you, saving us money!

We can put spices in that.

Me, on the other hand...

Hey, Mom, look what I made.
It's a doorstop or a bookend.

Oh, look. Murray, Adam made a thing.

Hoo-hoo! Look at you,
saving money on firewood!

That's what it is. A starter log.
I feel good about this.

Yeah, I guess you could say
I didn't nail wood shop.

So instead, I used the class
to hone my comedic skills.

All right. This is a butt joint.

See here?

You line up the studs, and then
you pound that butt joint

until it locks in tight.

Questions?

I got a question.

What's the best thing to use
to wipe your butt joint?

[LAUGHTER]

He took something wholesome,
like a butt joint,

and made it hilarious!

Since we're all in the mood
to have a laugh,

why don't you show the class
your midterm project?

You've got it, sir.

I call it "Really Big Jenga"!

[LAUGHTER]

That's just a bunch of x s you
sawed in half and stacked up.

You didn't even sand them.

Geez, if it's such a big deal,
I'll use this thingy

to sand the wood, and then we can play.

Nobody's playing Really Big
Jenga, Mr. Hardeeharhar!

Give me that wood.

- Ohh!
- Balls!

Unh! Whoa!

[CLATTER]

Jenga.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January , -something,

and my sister was going
through a true freshman

rite of passage...
becoming a pretentious snob.

God, it all has to go, Erica.
Poison, Madonna, New Kids?

How did I ever buy into all
of this top- , MTV garbage?

I'm actually embarrassed by who we were

before we took Music Deconstruction

with Professor Chang-Silverstein.

That class has, like, opened my eyes.

No, like, my ears.

No, like, my mind.

Well, get ready to have your mind blown,

because I asked Geoff to get us tickets

to the Avant Garde Music
Festival of New York City.

Stop, we are actually going to see

Philip Glass and the Tibetan
Throat Singers live?

Plus, there's a rumor that
Yoko Ono is gonna scream onstage

for a whole hour!

I'm gonna scream from
the audience for a whole hour!

I can't believe that our lame-ass R.A.

called us "poser freshmen

who are going through
a pretentious phase."

These personas we just
discovered, like, last week

are, like, who we are and are gonna be

for the rest of our lives.

Exactly. I'll never return to who I was.

Oh! My baby's back!

Whoa, how long were you
standing there waiting?

So long. Come right in.

Would anyone like to sample
a flight of Hamburger Helpers?

Oh, we're not doing
processed foods anymore,

and especially not the kind
that have a spokesglove.

What's, like, the raddest sushi
place you have in Jenkintown?

You like fish?

Uh, well, we have a Long John Silver's.

No! Wait! [CHUCKLES]

I've got Tuna Helper right here.

Geoff, cr*ck open a can.

Hey, Erica, it's me,
your boyfriend, Geoff.

Oh, he's plating it all wrong.

I said "two heaping scoops," Geoff. Two!

Hey, babe, you get the tickets?

You know it. The Hooters, third row.

Okay, why would we go see The Hooters?

Um, because it's our hometown's
favorite band

and, also, you're, like,
the hugest fan ever.

Geoff, I specifically left a
message for you to get tickets

for the Avant Garde Festival.

Right, and I didn't understand
what that was,

so I ignored it
and got third-row center.

I cannot miss this festival, okay?

Yoko Ono is finally gonna
free herself from the shadow

of her husband's bubblegum band.

You mean... the Beatles?

You know what? It's fine.

I'll just do my own thing,
and you can take Barry

to go see the Hooters.

At least let me buy you girls dessert.

Oh, there's a new wudder-ice place.

Oh, man! Their wudder ice is amazing!

Okay. What are you people talking about?

- Wudder ice.
- Wudder ice.

- Wudder ice.
- What's "wudder"?

They're trying to say "water ice."

It's a local dessert.

Ew. Your food and words are gross.

I say we drive straight
until we find some culture.

The Hooters. [CHUCKLES]

Did my daughter just say "water,"

like she's from Delaware?

- I think she did.
- Ugh. College was a mistake.

Huge.

Thank you for coming down here,
Mr. Goldberg.

It seems there's been a serious
mishap with some machinery.

Damn right.

Why do you always wear a tie
in shop class, anyway?

It literally can get caught
in everything.

I dress nice for the wood
because I honor the wood.

I expect the same from my students.

I get the boy can be a bit of
a smartass, but it's just wood.

I don't know why you got to honor it.

- I'll tell you why, sir.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

I lived in a suspended
bamboo cage for three years.

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Oh, boy.

Uh, Derek, while we all
thank you for your service,

I don't think we need to hear...

It was a simple design,
but sturdy as hell.

Naturally, I tried to
saw through it with a crude tool

I had fashioned from my hair
and some toenails.

Could we just stay on course...

But as time wore on,
the jungle madness took me.

I tried to summon a monkey army
to free me

from my elegant fortress.

Okay, just speed through to the end.

I soon realized that
I needed to forgive the wood

that encaged me.

Just, uh... [WHISTLES]

And when a monsoon
swept my captors into a river,

that cage became a raft to freedom.

And so, I have dedicated my life
to the art of woodworking.

Okey-dokey.

I'm thinking maybe a week of
detention should do the trick.

- No. You're grounded for a month, too.
- What?!

You got to get serious
with your schoolwork.

Because in the future,
jokes can't pay the bills.

Oh, yes, they can. Ask Sinbad.

I'm going to stop this.

Could we just agree no more
goofing around in shop class?

And you will personally
apologize to the wood.

[WHISPERING] You don't have to do that.

As my dad was rejecting my comedy,

Geoff was finding out Erica
had rejected our hometown.

Geoff? I thought you ended up
going to the concert.

No. Erica's doing her
own thing... which is great.

I totally get it.

Even though it's hurtful
and I don't get it at all.

Don't worry. Our girl's just
going through a little phase.

Is she?

'Cause it kinda feels like
Erica's outgrown The Hooters

and cooked fish and attractive clothing

and Philly's own wudder ice.

- She kinda...
- Kinda what? Say it.

I can't say it.

- Say it, Geoff.
- I don't wanna say it.

If you don't say it, I'll say it.

- No, don't say it.
- Then say it.

Erica is a giant [Bleep].

- Whoa!
- What were you gonna say?!

That college has made her
snobby and pretentious.

- That's what I meant!
- Well, that's not what you said.

Oh, no! I'm so upset!

You made me say it! Now I feel horrible!

Pull it together, Geoff!
If we don't do something,

Erica's gonna leave Jenkintown behind

to experience the world and
become an interesting person!

- But how do we stop it?
- You can't stop it.

Your only choice is to become it.

Barry, no. That brie wheel
is for an entire party.

I can now handle
the richest of party cheeses

since I've become accustomed
to how the other half lives.

Now, pardon me,
and prepare to be amazed,

as I drink this... water.

- [GASPS]
- He said it right.

How, Barry?

Turns out, Barry
had been obsessively studying

the ways of the wealthy, thanks
to one iconic ' s TV show.

"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"?

Thanks to Robin Leach,

I now know everything there is
about class and wealth.

I study all the episodes
to prepare myself.

For what?

For when I'll be the Sixers
star player and team doctor,

which means, if I get injured,

I'll be able to perform
surgery on myself.

- I believe in you, cocoa tush!
- So, you really think that

Erica's like these fancy people
on this show?

She's seeing Yoko Ono
being weird and artsy.

She's fancy, all right.

Turn us into horrible
rich people, Barry.

- I'm in, too.
- Yay, no other options.

While my mom and Geoff
were trying to break into

the upper class, I was just
trying to break out of my room.

Why are you doing out of your room?!

You're grounded for being a moron!

I can't be in that room anymore, man.

It's like a prison with all
my toys and video games.

That's what you get
for telling bad jokes

instead of getting good grades.

It's not like I'm gonna use
anything I've learned

in shop class...
or math or science or history.

Sex Ed cleared up some rumors,
but that's it.

Why do you only show interest
in the most ridiculous careers

that no Goldberg has ever succeeded in?

Ridiculous? Give me one example.

Movie directing. Puppeteer.

Animation. Foley artist.

Arcade hustler. Sci-fi cartoonist.

Stage combat instructor. Stunt man.

And to top it all off, now you
want to include "comedy guy"?

Damn right. Laughter's a real
profession, and I'm all in.

In what? This house when you're ?

I see you have your doubts,
so how about this?

If I make you laugh right now,

then you'll have to
fully embrace my destiny

as a professional funny man.

And what happens when
I don't laugh? Because I won't.

You can ground me for the whole year.

This is a bad deal for you.

Oh, you're on.

Or as Hans and Franz would say...

[GERMAN ACCENT]
"I'm gonna pump... you up."

Don't do this deal.

I don't want you hanging around
this house for a whole year.

[NORMAL VOICE] Don't worry.
I'm just getting warmed up.

Or as James Brown would say...

[AS JAMES BROWN] "So hot!"

In the hot tub! Mnh! Yow!

Too hot in the hot tub!

This is why it's dangerous
to believe in yourself.

And with that, I gave him
every comedic w*apon

I had in my arsenal.

I started with some Pee Wee.

[AS PEE WEE HERMAN]
I know you are, but what am I?

- Heh heh heh!
- I did some classic movies...

[NORMAL VOICE]
I'll have what she's having.

- ...impressions...
- Ooh!

I found out I'm color blind.

The diagnosis came completely
out of the purple!

- Ooh-hoo!
- ...wacky wordplay...

We have clearance, Clarence.

Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

- ...prop comedy...
- [COCONUTS CLACKING]

Where did you get that coconut?
They're out of season.

- ...even puppetry!
- High five?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I can't! My mouth will break!

[NORMAL VOICE] This guy...

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] S'alright.

Why did you make that deal? Why?

[NORMAL VOICE] 'Cause I'm a funny boy,
and I'm gonna be a funny big boy

who makes money from it.

That's truly the first humorous
thing that you've said

this whole conversation.

The problem isn't me.

It's my joyless grump of a dad
who has no sense of humor.

Enough with the comedy, moron!

You're gonna get a regular job
like everybody else!

- Like what?
- Eh, I don't know.

A police officer, a doctor,
a-a construction worker,

an Indian chief.

You're just listing the Village People!

You have more chance of being
in a disco supergroup

than you do from making money
telling jokes.

We'll see about that.

♪

- Aah!
- Too forced.

- Didn't buy it.
- I can do that again.

My mom and Geoff would do
whatever it took

to get Erica back,
even if it meant listening to

- this fancy lad.
- Ahoy, and welcome aboard

on our journey to riches
and fame-awcity.

Oh, I bet the letters stand for stuff.

Oh, yes. It's called a mammogram.

And we start with C, for clothes,

From now on, you'll only wear

the finest fabric known to man...

velvet, silk, all the leathers.

Okay, I guess we could
hit Filene's Basement,

see if there's anything
in the bargain bin.

Never! You now only shop
upstairs at Filene's,

where they have fancy windows
and you pay full price.

Full price? Can that even be done?

Oh, it could. Next was L, for Laughter.

- [GUFFAWING]
- The kind of condescending

cackle only reserved

for rich folks who know
they're better than you.

[GUFFAWING CONTINUES]

Wow, yeah. That was incredibly
dismissive and hurtful.

Then came A, for Accents, which
means you sound sophisticated,

and from anywhere but Philly.

Now tell me what's in this
glass! Don't think! Go!

Water! Ooh, my God! I'm learning!

And last, the double S,
which stood for Snooty Sauce.

All you had to do was learn
how to ask for it.

- Pardon me, have you got any Grey Poupon?
- Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

- No!
- BOTH: Pardon me...

BOTH: ...do you have any Grey Poupon?

- No.
- BOTH: Pardon me.

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Oh, yes.

Your lesson in "class" is complete.

Now, go out there and make
the world a worse place.

Look out, high society, a mom
and her daughter's boyfriend

are going to New York!

Yeah, is it weird that
we've been hanging out?

A little.

While Geoff and my mom were classing up,

I was discovering my dad
was down to laugh.

- Hee! Hee-hee!
- What was that?

- What was what?
- You're actually laughing!

At... " "? What is happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

Big Tasty's getting a taste
of the high life.

Please, I'm in the middle of

a very important discovery right now.

Do not butt in with your insanity.

You know what's insane?
This delicious jar of caviar.

How the hell are you paying for caviar?

No! This is not about him right now!

I cashed in one of Nana's bonds

to get a little taste of Beverly Hills.

[MUFFLED] Oh, no!

It's so salty!

They're fish eggs, you moron.

Fish lay eggs?!

- [LAUGHS]
- It's stuck under my tongue!

- I need milk!
- That one never disappoints!

Holy balls!

First you laugh at Jackée,
then at Barry?!

You literally laugh at everyone but me!

Hee-hee-hoo!

Wait. I did it? Did I do it?

[LAUGHS] This show's hilarious!

They never leave the stoop! [CHUCKLES]

My world was rocked.

For the first time, nothing was funny.

Now, I want everyone to look
at my stool.

This is a very loose stool.

[RATTLING]

See? I know it's just a stool
sample, but it's a real mess.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Thanks to my dad, my dream of comedy d*ed.

Meanwhile, Erica's avant-garde
music adventure had just begun.

It feels so liberating
to be here with, like,

like-minded people, ya know?

Absolutely. I just can't wait
to sit down and...

Holy crap! Geoff and my mom are here!

[GASPS]

Fancy seeing you here. [CHUCKLES]

- So fancy.
- Indeed!

Okay, why are you here
and talking like that

and dressed like the cast of "Dynasty"?

What, you mean these old
new full-priced rags

from the real Filenes Above Ground?

Hmm. We stopped there on the way here.

Pocket square?

No, I don't want a pocket square, Geoff!

Again, why are you here?

Yeah. Are you guys, like, on a date?

On a date with culture.

I'm most excited for...

M'buku O'Shaughnessy and the
Afro Celtic Warbling Experience.

I read about this little musical
powwow in The New Yorker.

No, you didn't. I literally
told you I was coming here.

Did you, now? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

What is that? Why are you doing that?

- BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Stop ho-ho'ing.

You sound like douchey Santas.

- BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Why are you doing it?

It seems like what you do. Oh-ho!

Okay, I don't know what you two
are doing, but you need to go.

We're just trying to like
what you like, 'cause, you know,

you're a big snooty jerk now.

So, I'm not allowed to go away
to college and change and grow,

like a normal person?

Look, of course we want you
to learn and grow.

We just... don't want you
to grow away from us.

Well, none of this is helping your case.

Now please leave.

Fine. Maybe I'll see you back at home.

♪

I know this isn't
what you want to hear right now,

but they're actually
kind of cute together.

Thanks for coming.

Mr. Crosby here insisted
we do this in person.

There was another incident
in shop class today.

Sounds like we could have
covered this in a phone call,

but I'm here, so go for it.

I was demonstrating how to
perform a mitre cut.

When I bent down
to retrieve some lumber,

I split my pants clean down the middle.

Having lost my balance,
I reached out for the nearest item

to steady myself, which, unfortunately,

was an active band saw.

Now, while the blade did not
connect with any fingers,

it did shear off one millimeter
of this pinkie nub.

Thinking fast, I ripped my
already split pants wide open

and used the fabric as a tourniquet.

Now bottomless and afraid,
I Donald Ducked about the room

in search of ice.

Thankfully, I had confiscated
a Slurpee from a student,

so I plunged my hand directly

into the beverage to numb the pain.

As you can imagine,
I slipped on the mess,

toppling directly
into my star student...

Jonathan Atkins.

His body was pinned under mine,
rendering him immobile,

which was problematic,

as I had completely thrown
out my back upon impact.

The students howled with laughter.

Once my shoulder dislocated,
I was able to free myself

and shimmy towards the door.

That's when my trick knee
gave out, and I rolled

right into the belt sander,

which toppled directly onto my groin.

Upon impact, I... farted...
real bad and real loud.

- I'm gonna stop you there.
- Really? There?

Yeah. What does any of this
have to do with Adam?

Today, there was one student
that did not laugh

at my ballet of tragedy.

In fact, he was so composed,
he turned off that belt sander

moments before it plunged
onto my genitals.

- Your son.
- Really?

You must be very proud.

♪

Stop right there.

- We need to talk.
- Why?

You heard the guy...
I'm his star student.

He was Donald Ducking!

If you don't laugh at a Donald Ducking,

then we got a big problem... big.

You're the one who told me
I needed to focus on school

to get a normal job.
That's what I'm doing.

I just wanted you to be
a little more realistic.

You told me I'd never make it
in any form of entertainment...

not even puppetry.

I think we both know
there's no money in puppets.

That's not the point!

I'm not good at sports
or science or math

or stupid woodworking!

But making people laugh was the
one thing I thought I could do.

- Adam...
- No, I get it now. You were right.

All I'll ever be is just a Goldberg.

With my mom gone, Erica
could finally enjoy her new,

- sophisticated music...
- [GONG CRASHES]

...if you could call it that.

It says this piece is about Nixon.

That was my first thought.

It's so very haunting and painful.

True. It's... so painful.

I can feel the music banging in my head

and rattling my teeth and gums.

[GONGS CRASHING]

That's how you know it's good.

I really love how the bagpipes
blend horribly with the gonging

and the off-putting bird noises...

And I just can't do it!
This is the worst!

- Shh!
- Quiet down.

This isn't the Hooters concert.

Yeah, 'cause God forbid
we listen to some catchy tunes

that you can sing and dance to.

God, when is this over?

We have, like, three hours left.

Three hours?

I ditched my boyfriend
and awesome band for this...

avant garbage. I got to go.

♪

Hi. Excuse me.

Have you seen a young man
in a semi-silk jacket

with an older lady who looks
like a villain in a soap opera?

You're literally describing
everyone here.

[THE HOOTERS' "AND WE DANCED" PLAYS]

They're gone.

Erica?

Oh, thank God you're still here.

Why are you missing the show?

The bagpipe solo's about to start.

Listen, I wanted to be more than
just a girl from Jenkintown.

The truth is, I love my town,
and all the things in it.

I live in Jenkintown.

Do you, now? [CHUCKLES]

She's back.

- My normal, beautiful baby is back.
- Mom!

No. You can't take it back.
You said you love us.

I really do. God help me.

Anyway, what do you say
we head back to Philly

and grab a wudder ice?

Actually... I have a better idea.

♪ And we danced, like a wave
on the ocean, romanced ♪

♪ We were liars in love, and we danced ♪

♪ Swept away for a moment by chance ♪

That night, Erica learned
that you don't have to give up

where you're from in order to grow

into the kind of person
you always wanted to be.

♪ And danced and danced ♪

- ♪ And danced, whoo ♪
- Hey.

I rented "Stripes."
I know how you love that movie.

- ♪ Like a wave on the ocean, romanced ♪
- I'm... not feeling it.

- ♪ We were liars in love... ♪
- [SIGHS] Okay.

There's something you should know.

- ♪ Swept away for a moment by chance ♪
- You really are funny.

- Stop.
- No, it's the truth.

I just didn't want to encourage you.

So, you were just trying to
scare me away from it all?

I was, and I'm sorry.

Oh, wow.

Never heard you say "sorry" before.

Look, I always thought
I'd be the kind of dad

who would help guide you
with your career.

But all those things that you love,

they make me feel helpless.

- Why?
- I sell furniture, Adam.

I don't know anything
about movies or comedy

or magic or puppets.

Point is, I don't get any
of your crazy dreams.

I really don't. But if that's
what you really want,

I'm in.

- ♪ Swept away for a moment by chance ♪
- That's...

- Thank you.
- ♪ And we danced... ♪

Just... thank you.

♪ Yeah ♪

Hey, Dad?

- ♪ And we danced ♪
- What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Here's a little tip...

don't ever do that joke in public.

_

Um, what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

[DING!] _

Do any of you like impressions?

[CROWD CHEERING]

Damn. I got to learn some impressions.

[DING!] _

Okay, I got you the fancy
rich-people food you wanted,

- but I-I just don't think...
- This is my new way of living.

Bring me my first course.

I present to you... pâté.

[GASPS] Like a hamburger pat-tay?!

Yes!

No! Ugh!

It's like meat, but it's smooth
like peanut butter!

Come on. Let mama make you a
shrimp parm and a chili pot pie.

Yes! Let's cheese up some
shrimps and pie up some chili!