05x14 - Hail Barry

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,

my brother discovered rap music.

And he was immediately obsessed.

But he wasn't the only one.

Even pro sports players
got in on the mix.

And the most famous of all

was the Chicago Bears'
"Super Bowl Shuffle."

♪ I didn't come here
looking for trouble ♪

♪ I just came to do
the Super Bowl Shuffle ♪

Look at this garbage.

- You're cocky and overrated, Bears!
- The team and the animal!

You think I can't grab a
trout from a stream? I can!

They're the worst,
and so is their stupid shuffle.

♪ We're not here to start no trouble ♪

[MOCKINGLY] We're just here to do
the Super Bowl Shuffle.

ADULT ADAM: And after the Bears,

a ton of NFL teams made rap videos,

including our beloved
Philadelphia Eagles.

♪ Quick Six, wide receiver ♪

♪ They thought the name was a joke ♪

♪ But I made them all believers ♪

See, that's how an NFL team
is supposed to rap.

The Eagles have a subtlety
the Bears can only dream about.

And yet I still sense
opportunity for improvement.

What it needs is real stars.

♪ Name's Big Tasty, I bust a move ♪

♪ Also, my skin is silky and smooth ♪

♪ I'm Naked Rob, and I make the tackle ♪

♪ I cover my receiver
like a wall with spackle ♪

♪ It's Creamy Jeff Schwartz,
got no hands with no match ♪

♪ Just throw me the ball,
and I'll make the catch ♪

♪ Watch out world,
we're causing a kerfuffle ♪

♪ We rap our rhymes
and do the JTP Shuffle ♪

Okay, stop. W-What is the deal
with these lyrics?

Who says "kerfuffle" and calls
out their own silky smooth skin?

When you got it, flaunt it.

It's true. It's almost buttery.

It's all very odd.

This is good. All the best football raps

strike a delicate balance
between simple and awkward.

Roll it!

Cut. Stop it right now.
Hand me that football.

You might as well be holding
a live grenade.

You know the rule. My little schmoopies

are too fragile and squishy
to play contact sports.

We're not even playing.
We're just singing and shuffling.

This is a gateway ball.

It starts with a fun little shuffle,

and then you go out and break
your ankle or shatter a pelvis.

I should be rolling on this.

We have plenty of safe,
fun balls for you to play with.

The funnest ball of all... beach.

You literally ruin everything.

Aw, you just need to give it a try.

Here, catch. Okay, try again.

[LAUGHS] Oh. All right.

See, it doesn't even hurt.
Okay. Sports are fun.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February , -something,

the year of my mom's Bevolution,

where she tried new things,

like cutting my hair with a vacuum.

Oh, balls.
Do you know what you're doing?

I feel like you don't know
what you're doing.

That's the beauty of the Flowbee
haircutting system.

I don't have to know what I'm doing.

I-I prefer the old system,

where we go to your salon
and Chantal washes my hair,

which feels way too good,

and then I ask her to do it longer,

but then it gets weird, and she stops.

- [WHIRRING]
- What the hell is this?

I'm experimenting with my Flowbee.

It only takes two minutes
to go from drab to fab.

- Done.
- That's it?

Chantal usually hands me
a mirror to look at the back...

and brushes the hair off my neck,

leaning in ever so close
to inspect her work.

- Please go.
- Bevy, what's with all this crap?

A ThighMaster, a Veg-O-Matic,
a Salad sh**t...

a Pocket Fisherman?

Our people don't fish fish.

We buy fish, and then we schmear it.

Schmear? What schmear? Whitefish, lox?

This isn't about shopping.

Anything kippered?

It's about the Bevolution.

Isn't that about you finding purpose

outside of our moron kids?

And I've found it. Come with me.

So, this QVC, it's a TV show?

It's a whole channel.

That's right. Before QVC.com

was a world leader in online retail,

they invented at-home shopping

with their groundbreaking TV channel.

People can shop from their home

using just a phone and a credit card.

Who would do something like that?

Yes, I'm calling about
the exciting shower radio.

Hang up my phone, Al!

But this amazing product

allows me to listen to music
while I'm wet!

See, Murray, QVC is just regular people

like me selling big ideas.

We're living in the future.

Now, I only bought that stuff
as research

to figure out what I could sell.

You know what? That's not a bad idea.

Oh, that is so typical.

Why would I ever expect
my own husband's support?

Did you hear what I said?
It's not a bad idea.

How can you stand there and mock
the love of your life?

She's just trying to improve herself,

and this is how you act?

Okay, I get it.

You're both not used
to me being supportive.

- Shame.
- I don't like this look on you, Mur.

Both of you listen. I'm sincerely saying

that I believe you can do this, Beverly.

You always have great ideas.
You never give up.

You're made for this.

So, there's really no angle?

No angle. Just love and support.

Why can't anyone accept
that I'm capable of this?

I accept it with all my heart!
Thank you for believing in me!

And just like that,
QVC did the impossible...

made my dad a supportive husband.

And Barry was also doing
the impossible...

going against my mom.

Cunningham fades back! He looks left!

Boom! Refrigerator Perry
busts through the line!

Hey! Over here! Mike Quick is wide open!

I-I forget my player's name!

Cunningham heaves it!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

The ref indicates touchdown and wonders

if he'll get a chance to play.

He won't. Good job, dude.

Dude, Barry, your arm is a cannon.

And that's a Nerf,

which is way harder to throw
than a real football.

Wow. You know a lot about science.

All right, boys. Let's go. Let's go.

Ah, time to call it.
Real team needs the field.

Damn it. I wish my crazy mom
would let me play.

If she didn't hold me back,

I could have been a star
wide receiver for the Eagles.

Forget your mom. Just join
the team and don't tell her.

We're talking about Beverly Goldberg.

Her only purpose is to
mix into our lives.

So, what I'm saying is
I will no longer be able

to mix into your lives because
I'm going to become a QVC mogul.

- What?
- I know.

I won't be around as much
to take care of you.

It's hard for me, too.

Then I should probably call Chantal

and make a series of hair appointments.

When won't you be around?
I need specifics.

I guess after school.

So you'll have no idea
where I am or what I'm playing

during the hours of : to : ?

If my business takes off,

I may never be at your school again.

[CHUCKLES] I'm so sad right now,

I need to try on these cleats.

Anyway, off to bed.

- Wait!
- Barry thought he was busted.

But instead, my mom got a business idea

that fit like a glove.

Little static cling there.

- Bye, now.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

A glove that would fulfill
her QVC dreams.

Yep, like a mad genius

struck with a lightning bolt of vision,

my mom pulled inspiration
from every part of her life.

She snipped, sewed, measured,
and worked around the clock

to create the coolest jacket
the ' s had ever seen...

or so she thought.

So, what do you think?

Look, I don't know from fashion.

But if you say it's stylish,

I'm sure they'll sell like hot cakes.

See, the problem with jean jackets

is they're almost entirely jean.

But Bev Wear has fun, flash,
doilies, and tic-tac-toe.

Those jackets are gonna sell themselves.

I love the new supportive Murray.

Frankly, he's different than the man

I originally married, but he's great.

So now what? You show this to QVC?

Yes, I already sent them one,
and I left messages.

I find it very unprofessional
that they haven't

called me back yet,
even after I threatened them.

Their loss. You know what we'll do?

We'll ship them off to Erica.

All her artsy college friends,
they'll flip for them.

Yes!

We'll get the young tastemakers
to create some buzz,

and then QVC will come
knocking down our door.

You've got a business plan, little lady.

And just like that,
my parents were convinced

the jackets were gonna be a hit.

These jackets straight-up suck, Dad.

Stop. They do not.

Why would you encourage Mom
to start a fashion line?

The lady wears rainbow-colored sweaters

with duck puns on them.

They flatter her figure.

- Ew!
- Look, this is important to your mother.

She put her heart and soul
into making those jackets.

And that's very disturbing,
because they look like

they were bought
from a craft fair in hell.

I'm not asking for much here.

Now go sell your mother's
expensive homemade jackets

to college kids.

Look, this is a lost cause, okay?

You sent me a giant box,

and I only sold one, and, honestly,

I wasn't very ethical about it.

Okay, when I stumble home
from a frat party

at : in the morning,
it is super not cool

to trick me into buying stuff.

I'm on a business call, roomie.

It was dark,
and you said this was Gucci.

Please, just try and sell a few more.

Okay, fine. But just to be clear,

I have zero investment
in how this turns out.

I want my money back.

Honestly, the jacket says "sexy" to me.

Really? 'Cause, to me,
it just says "Jacket."

- Oh, that's bad.
- Yep, Bev-Wear was nowhere,

but my brother's football
career was about to arrive.

Your prayers have been answered!

Big Tasty is finally
joining the football team.

We've been through this, Goldberg.

Your mommy won't allow it.

Well, my mommy's going through a
time-consuming midlife crisis,

so now I get to chase my dream.

Well, our team could use
some of that Goldberg moxie.

What are you playing these days?

Oh, I play it all.

You'll probably have to
diagram some new plays

to take advantage
of my amazing skill set.

- May I?
- Normally, I'd say no,

but I want to see where this goes.

I call it the "Hail Barry."

In this play, I both throw and catch

the winning touchdown as time expires.

That literally cannot be done.

And yet I've done it against my
brother Adam over seven times.

All right, let's hit the field
and see what you got.

♪

I'm unconscious! I'm unconscious!

I've been knocked unconscious!

Um, Coach, Goldberg
says he's unconscious

even though he's talking.

You okay, Goldberg?

Just a little unconscious, Coach.

Hey, just thought of something.

Do you have any of those Fig Newtons?

They always perk me back up.

Lot of athletes don't know this,

but the Newton is a power food.

Power food, Goldberg?
Get off the damn field.

- I'll handle this.
- Yeah, we're handling it,

Assistant Coach Fast.

Or should I just say "Assistant"?

- Oh, hell no.
- Okay, walk away, Ike!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- All right, starters, line up!

Let's move those chains!

Where do you want me, Coach?

- The bench.
- But if I'm on the bench,

how could I be your star player?

Well, it's like this, Goldberg.

You know when you gaze
into the dark night sky

and you see all those shimmering stars?

I got a secret for you.
They're not alone.

There are a bunch of weak, crappy stars

right behind them
on God's great space bench,

shining their dim, pointless light.

Think about it.

♪

I thought about it, Coach,

and I don't want to be
on the space bench.

Please, I'm a star!

And so Barry convinced coach
to give him one last sh*t.

Ohh! Ohh! I'm down!
I'm unconscious again!

My brother had officially been benched,

and he was not a good sport about it.

Yo, want to play some "Tecmo Bowl"?

No football for me.

Coach said I'm not good enough to start.

But football's your game.

Did you tell him about the Hail Barry?

Many times. It just seemed to annoy him.

Now I'm stuck on the bench!

You know what I think?
Coach is testing you.

We're talking about sports, nerd.
What do you know?

I know sports movies.

And the coach always benches
his star to test his leadership.

Oh, my God. I'm the star
of this real-life movie.

It's the only logical conclusion!

What happens now?

You just need to prove to Coach
that you can unite your team

in a highly unconventional
and cinematic way.

That leaves only one clear option...

a football rap.

Speaking as a guy who knows
nothing about sports,

this makes all the sense in the world!

Time to blow off practice
and write some dope lyrics

- to bond my squad!
- Sports!

As Big Tasty put together
an uplifting song,

Bev-Wear was falling apart at the seams.

- [SNIFFLES]
- Look at that!

You made a fresh batch of jackets.

No, Mur. Erica send them back.

What the hell? She sent them all back?

Nobody wants them.

No, people want them.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

You're not a failure!

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

I'm beyond positive. Those kids
aren't even your market.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

A Bev-Wear customer
is a sophisticated adult.

Mep?

Yeah, I'll even sell them for you.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SOBBING]

Selling Bev-Wear wasn't easy.

But if anyone could do it,
it was my salesman dad.

Your total is $ . .

And just for today,
with every sofa you buy,

you get this charming jacket,
half-price!

- No.
- All right, % off.

Just the couch, please.

Hey, Mur. How does this jacket work?

The pockets are on the back.

Not now, Al! How about this?

Free. You bought the sofa, take it.

This jacket is very ugly.

Mur, just come over and unzip
a pocket on my back.

I want to put away these Chiclets.

All right, look, take the jacket.

You don't even have to wear it.

Put it on a snowman!

Let's just forget the whole thing.

Hey, the sofa's free!
Just take the jacket!

It's a bad jacket.

Bev can never know the truth.

We'll take them to a thrift store

and then tell her
that they sold like crazy.

It's a bad jacket.

I know that, Al!

♪

♪ Big Tasty, wide receiver ♪

♪ I catch the ball
like a Golden Retriever ♪

♪ Unlike those dogs,
I don't have bad hips ♪

♪ I fly down the field
for touchdown trips ♪

♪ Rubén Junior, quarterback ♪

♪ I move so fast, I can't get sacked ♪

♪ I pass the ball through the air ♪

♪ Come see me play, pull up a chair ♪

[RUSSIAN ACCENT]
♪ I'm Sergei Tarbakamus ♪

♪ I kick field goals ♪

♪ Am I nervous? Yeah, I suppose ♪

- Where the hell is everybody?
- ♪ I win the game by hitting the mark ♪

♪ The game is over before it starts ♪

♪ Mellor's watching you ♪

♪ He's watching, yes, he's watching ♪

♪ The Quakers fight on through ♪

♪ The Quakers fight on through ♪

- ♪ So you better play that D ♪
- They are really gonna regret this.

♪ If you don't, you're gonna
make our coach angry ♪

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [MUSIC STOPS]

Why the hell is my team dancing
with so little rhythm

and not out on the field doing drills?!

Well, as team leader,

I thought we could use a little bonding.

I made it clear that you ride the pine!

But... my brother said
you were testing me

like he saw in the movies.

This is real life, son,

where people of your meager
skill set don't play,

don't win, and don't get carried
off on somebody's shoulders!

Hey, ease up, Coach.

I don't need you to defend me,
Assistant Coach.

'Cause fact is, if I don't play,
no one else will.

Come on, fellas. Let's get out of here.

Really? Not one of you?

Sorry, bro. We barely know you,

and this has all been really weird.

Fine. If this team doesn't want me,

then I don't want me on this team.

♪

Oh, my goodness. I can't
believe I made all this money.

That's what happens when you
sell out all of your jackets.

Aren't I right, Al?

Rightaroo, Captain Choo Choo.

What the hell are you talking about?

I hate lying.
Don't make me a part of this.

Hey! Who's the business mogul
with the wad of cash?!

Ha ha! I am so fired up!

I got to sew more stuff
on jackets right this minute!

No, no, no, now's the time
you relax and you enjoy

all your success. Right, Al?

- Okidoki, Smokey Jokey.
- You okay, Dad?

- Shoobadebop!
- [CHUCKLES]

He is fine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. I'm from Jenkintown Swap
thrift store.

Is there a Murray Goldberg here?

I'm cracking, Murray. I'm out.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yeah, I'm him. Uh, we got
a family thing going here...

Look, we always appreciate donations,

but we can't take these insane jackets.

- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- There's just so many of them,

and it quickly became clear

that we were gonna be
stuck with them forever.

Yeah, that's a lot of information.

We have a few crazy bag ladies

who will literally take anything
off our hands.

But in this case,
the jackets just agitated them.

No need to go on.

We then dumped them in the
alley, but all the stray cats

instinctively att*cked the jackets.

Now I got to be rude!

So...

nobody wanted the jackets?

I-I'm sorry, Bev.

Guess this money is yours.

No, it's for your business.
It's just a bump in the road.

Just keep it...

and all your loving support.

The jackets were a failure, and so am I.

♪

Even though Barry was making
the Eagles crush the Patriots,

his real-life football career was done.

Hey, don't you have a game tonight?

No. Coach wasn't testing me.
He thinks I suck.

I don't know. Maybe he's right.

If I knew anything about sports movies,

this was the moment our hero
got an inspiring pep talk

from the least likely of places.

On this day, it was me.

Well, if there's one thing I know,

it's that you can't just quit.

Dude, enough with
your dumb sports movies.

This isn't from a movie.
It's what I learned.

Even if I don't ever
get a chance to play,

I can still help my team.

Like how you film the baseball games

like a weird creep?

It's game film. It helps them improve.

Or like when the basketball
rolls under the bleachers

and you climb under to get it?

I fit in small spaces.

So even though
you're an unbearable loser

with no athletic ability

and everyone talks about you
behind your back,

you still find a way
to make a difference?

And you can, too.

Also, what?

Thanks for inspiring me, loser!

Football team, here I come!

♪

to nothing in the first half?!

What a disgrace!

Coach, we're doing our best.

Save the excuses for Rubén Amaro Sr.,

Rubén Amaro Jr.!

Now I want somebody
to step up and show them

what we're made of!

Anyone?!

Big Tasty. Wide receiver.

Dude, now is not the time.

I catch the ball
like a Golden Retriever!

- What's he doing?
- Unlike those dogs,

I don't have bad hips.

- What are you doing?
- I fly down the field

for touchdown trips.

Enough!

♪ Mellor's watching you ♪

- Rubén!
- ♪ He's watching, yes, he's watching ♪

- I mean it!
- ♪ And the Quakers fight on through ♪

This song is not catchy!
♪ The Quakers fight on through ♪

♪ So you better play that D ♪

Play it, play it, play it!

♪ If you don't, you're gonna
make our coach angry ♪

- ALL: Yeah!
- Now let's kick Germantown's ass!

ALL: Yeah!

- Let's go.
- Let's go, baby. Let's go.

I'm glad you didn't quit, Goldberg.

This is a nice ending
to your little movie.

Thanks, Coach. But you know what
would be an even better ending?

We're not doing the Hail Barry,

and you're still never playing.

Then you know where to find me.

I'll be on the bench, doing nothing!

Yes! Whoo!

I don't even need this!

[QUEEN'S "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" PLAYS]

What's going on here?

Just the end of Bev-Wear
and the whole stupid Bevolution.

The Beverly Goldberg I know
never quits... ever.

Well, there's a first time
for everything.

I need to tell you something.

Look, when I first met you
and I was trying to make

something of myself, I failed
at everything that I tried.

Well, I-I-I always knew you'd make it.

Exactly. You never
stopped believing in me.

I'm giving you back
everything you gave me.

Murray...

So you'll keep at it?

Like you said...

Beverly Goldberg never gives up.

Ever.

♪ And the b*at will go on
and on and on and on ♪

With that, the Bevolution
was back on track...

...and Barry was gonna help lead his team,

even if it was from the bench.

Look alive, team! Let's go, Quakers!

MERYLL: Can you believe it, folks?

I may just be
the sixth-grade Latin teacher,

but I can safely say this is
the comeback of a lifetime.

Yes! Touchdown!

Watch for the sack!

- ♪ We are the champions ♪
- Yes, yes, yes! Go, go, go! Get it!

- ♪ We are the champions ♪
- Man, Barry rules that bench!

I can't take my eyes off of him!

- ♪ No time for losers ♪
- Let's hear some noise, people!

The actual players need us!

- ♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪
- Come on! There we go!

Taz is open! Hail Mary!

He... could... go...

- all... the... way!
- ♪ Of the world ♪

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [WHISTLING BLOWING]

- ♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪
- MERYLL: Touchdown! Quakers win!

In all my three weeks of
announcing high-school football,

- I have never seen anything like this!
- ♪ And we'll keep on fighting... ♪

My brother never did become
an NFL wide receiver.

- But that day,
- Yes!

all his sports
movie fantasies came true.

- I'm a part of it! I'm holding his heel!
- ♪ We are the champions ♪

And as fate would have it, one day,

Barry Goldberg would finally

get his chance to fly like an Eagle.

♪ No time for losers ♪

- ♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪
- [DING!]

[DING!]

- [DING!]
- ♪ Of the world ♪

- ♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪
- Welcome to the battle of the JTPs.

We've got Philadelphia Eagles
Hall of Famer Mike Quick

playing a*t*matic QB for both sides.

- Ready, set, go!
- ♪ We'll keep on fighting... ♪

Look at the hands on Goldberg.

They say he could have been
a pro wide receiver

if his mother didn't hold him back.

- Schwartz sees nothing but daylight.
- ♪ We are the champions ♪

Very fitting since he's one of
Philly's top ophthalmologists.

- Damn it, Schwartz!
- ♪ No time for losers ♪

- And go!
- My God! It's the Hail Barry!

- And...
- ♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

...it didn't work,
because no one can pass

- to themselves in an actual game!
- ♪ Of the world ♪

- And Naked Rob has gone pantsless.
- ♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪

Set, go!

Quick Six drops back to pass.

- Touchdown, Goldberg!
- ♪ And we'll... ♪

["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYS]

On behalf of the entire
Eagles organization,

we'd like to present
the winners of the JTP Bowl.

And here are your winners,
the one and only JTP!

[ALL CHEERING]

♪

- Yeah!
- E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!

♪


This is the real Beverly Goldberg.

- She has graced us today.
- [DING!]

- [DING!]
- So I snuck into Barry's room

and took one of his jean jackets.

And I decided I was going to
decorate them with things.

The hand was like
a Michael Jackson hand.

- A pillow on the back. Very punk rock.
- Jacket was a....

It's very big because
it was Barry's jacket.

This thing weighs a [bleep]
thousand pounds and was,

like, super-big in the day.

Let's get the shoulder pads in.

Did you ever sell any of your...

Not a one. I didn't...
Never sold one jacket.