05x15 - Adam Spielberg

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
I grew up at the movie theater.

There was nothing I loved more
than escaping

into the wonder of the big screen.

The lights, the sound,
the snacks... it was magic.

What I loved more than anything
was seeing a new movie

from my all-time favorite
director, Steven Spielberg.

In fact, I didn't
just want to see his movies...

I wanted to live them.

Stop playing with your food, moron.

I'm not playing!
It's from "Close Encounters."

There's your close encounter. Now, eat!

My favorite movie geek hobby

was re-creating all his classics.

- Yo.
- Gahh!

In this case, "E.T."

Then one day, I came across
something so legendary,

it would take my Spielberg
obsession to the next level.

Psst. Nerd. Girl nerd.

I got your hookup.

Really? Let me see it.

What the hell's happening?

Shh! Be cool.

Johnny's my bootleg VHS dealer.

You name it, I'll get it.

Back before everything was on YouTube,

cult videos were passed around
like contraband,

and Johnny Atkins had all the goods.

And the pièce de résistance...

♪

What I saw next
would change my life forever.

That year, two kids from Jersey

made a sh*t-for-sh*t re-creation

of "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Turns out, there were other
Spielberg fanatics out there,

and their homemade masterpiece
made me feel

like anything was possible!

I thought this was
the stuff of geek legend,

but it's real.

Whoa, the guys are super hot.

Your lady really has a type.
I feel sad for her.

Know what?

If these kids can remake
"Raiders" in the basement,

maybe it's time I take the leap.

If my dream is to become a Spielberg,

I've got to write and direct

my own original "Indiana Jones" story.

If you need a butt double
for your movie,

you know where to find me.

♪

And so, I set off to write
my first actual movie script.

And to my surprise, it was fun as hell!

Whatcha doing, boofaloo?

Writing a script.

Yay! [LAUGHS]

So, what's the name
of your big, fancy new movie?

Let's see... "Indiana Jones and the...

Thunder...

Glove...

of the Prime...

Mutant"!

That's it!

"Indiana Jones and the Thunder
Glove of the Prime Mutant."

It writes itself!

[BOTH LAUGH]

You looked around the room,

and you came up with a title!

♪

It was March th, -something,

and my dad and Pops were having

the most important
Philadelphia debate...

who makes the best cheesesteak?

- It's Geno's!
- Come on, it's Pat's!

- It's Geno's!
- It's Pat's!

You're making a fool of yourself.

Hey! What's all the yelling about?

This old putz thinks

Geno's makes a better
cheesesteak than Pat's.

Guys, relax.

Pat's and Geno's
sell the same exact thing

right across the street from each other.

They're both fine, but not the best.

If you say Jim's Steaks,
you no longer have a home.

Jim's is down the block, Barry!

It's not even on cheesesteak row!

I'm not saying
it's Jim's, Pat's, or Geno's.

The best Philly cheesesteak
isn't even in Philadelphia.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- In Philly, that was blasphemy.

What are you saying?
What's he saying, Murray?

- I don't know.
- It was early December.

I was on my way to watch
the Flyers play the Devils

- in New Jersey.
- [CHOIR VOCALIZING]

- Stop!
- [MUSIC ENDS]

There's no cheesesteak story
that ends in Jersey.

- But there is.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

I took the wrong off-ramp and got lost.

As night fell,
I grew desperate and hungry.

And then, like a cheesy beacon of hope,

I saw a lone sandwich shop
glowing in the darkness.

Stop. Just tell us the name
of the sandwich shop already.

That's the thing.

I was so overwhelmed by the flavor

that I didn't get a chance

to look up
from my poppy-seed kaiser roll

to get a name.

- [MUSIC ENDS]
- Poppy-seed kaiser roll on a cheesesteak?

[CHUCKLING] It can't be done!

- [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- Oh, they did it.

It was the poppiest of rolls,

combined with the whizziest of cheeses.

It was like eating

the sweet butt meat of an angel in...

Hey! I'm still talkin'!

I didn't finish my awesome true story!

Well, we know how it ends.

With you being a giant moron, you moron.

No! I hate it when you call me a moron.

I only call you a moron
'cause you act like a moron.

So it's on you.

Then, it's my life mission
to find this Jersey oasis

and take you there.

And when you eat the greatest
steak sandwich of your life,

I will prove you wrong,

and you shall never
call me a moron again.

And what happens when I hate
this imaginary sandwich?

Then I'll accept once and
for all that I'm truly a moron.

- No, you won't.
- Oh, I will.

In fact, if I'm wrong,

I will legally change my name
to "Moron."

[CHUCKLING] Okay, I'll take that deal.

My crusade for the Hoagie Grail
begins now.

While my brother was preparing
for his cheesesteak quest,

I was prepping my sh*t list
to bring my script to life.

Look what I found and immediately read.

Oh! My Indy script? How'd you get this?

I hid it under my mattress
and sleeping body.

Well, you may not know this,

'cause you're a very deep sleeper,

but every night at : a.m. sharp,

I lead you to the bathroom
to make a pishy.

I did not know that.

Well, point is, I found it

when I moved your unconscious body,

and this, for sure,
will be our calling card.

I-I'm sorry. "Our"?

To be clear,
I'm making this movie on my own.

Of course.

I'll just be there to watch

and, also, help you.

You only want to help me
for selfish reasons.

Me? Selfish?

[SCOFFING]

Me? Selfish?

Selfish. You only want to help me

so, if I become a real director,

you can say it's all 'cause of you.

Well, that's the truth,
so why wouldn't I say it?

Mom, someday, if I'm ever
in charge of a sound stage,

there is no way you're setting
foot anywhere near it.

You cannot deny
my love and support, Adam.

Mark my words.

One day, I will make
everyone who works for you

very uncomfortable
with my intrusive energy.

And mark my words...
I'm doing this on my own.

In fact, I'm already in the process

of locking down my cast and crew.

Okay, I exaggerated,

but this awesome flyer
was sure to lock 'em down!

And that's how movies are made.

But while I was looking for a crew,

Barry was in search of answers.

♪

And that's how you prove
you're no moron.

He said, making the most
moronic flyer of all time.

What's with the flyer, Goldberg?

I made this life-changing bet
with my dad, and I can't lose.

Blood feud with the old man, huh?

I didn't talk to Coach Senior
for six years

until we finally arm-wrestled it out.

He won. But I let him.

No, my thing's not weird.

I just have to legally change
my name to Moron

if I don't find
the best cheesesteak in Philly.

But there's a catch.

It's not in Philly.

- [EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- You know?

Oh, Coach knows.

If you need answers, follow me.

And with those mysterious words,

Barry was one step closer
to the Hoagie Grail.

Wait. The answer's in the gym?

Not in the gym, Goldberg...

under it.

[CREAKS]

So, it wasn't exactly the
catacombs from "Last Crusade,"

but this dusty old storage room

held the answers Barry needed most.

Cool!

Here. I believe that's exactly
what you're looking for.

This is the place!

Such a regal name
for a glorious sandwich.

Donkey's Place,

a confusing name for a [CHUCKLING]
cheesesteakery, but, still...

The donkey is the most noble
of all work beasts.

Now, go.

Show your father who the real moron is.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

In my hand, I hold a map
on the back of the menu

that leads to the world's
greatest meat sandwich.

We're going tonight.

Don't argue! Put on your pants and move!

Let's go.

Whoa. You got up so fast.
I didn't know that was possible.

It's a win-win for me.

You see, either you're right

and I get the greatest
cheesesteak of all time,

or you're wrong and I get
the greatest gift of all...

you're a permanent moron.

Prepare to literally eat those words.

To Donkey's in Camden!

["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS]

Like Indiana Jones himself,

my brother suited up
for the ultimate crusade.

Just one problem...
Barry was behind the wheel.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

This is a living nightmare.

Should I take this exit?

No, don't take this exit.

Blinkers on. I'm taking it.

I'm not lost.

I'm positive I'm not going
the right way.

I have a good feeling
about this unpaved road.

- Oh, I gotta pee.
- Hold it.

- I got to go.
- Hold it.

I got to go, Dad.

Hey, pelicans! We're near the ocean.

Just drive me in.

Uh-oh. I left my wallet at home.

Of course you did, moron!

Yo, bro. We heard about your movie.

JTP wants in.

Seriously? You want to be in it?

I was thinking more cameraman.

Naked Rob's tired of always
being objectified for his body.

Technically, you're the one
who gets naked, but, yes.

Can I be the prop guy?

You know, everyone's always focused

on the characters in the movie,

but I'm always, like, "Where'd
they get that salt shaker?"

And I can be your gaffer.

That way, I can find out
what a gaffer is.

I guess I could do whatever job

a handsome, charismatic guy with a
camera-friendly smile would do.

You tell me.

Actually, I'm looking
for my Indiana Jones.

Me?! I never would've thought of that.

[SQUEAKING FOOTSTEPS]

Can I help build sets for your movie?

I have over eight years'
of stage crew experience.

Please, please, please.

Yo, nerd. I hear you need
a snake for your badass movie.

I own six, so count me in
as animal wrangler.

I'll do costumes

'cause doing clothes just for me
has gotten old.

Oh, wow. This is coming together
incredibly fast.

All because of one little flyer.
[CHUCKLES]

- What flyer?
- No, we read your script.

How'd you get my script?

Just read the first page!
I promise you'll fall in love!

Mom! No!

Leave the nice students alone!

I thought I was clear...
no Mom on this movie.

No, you said I couldn't be on set,

which is why I'm here,
acting as your agent.

But don't worry.

I'll take my %
in belly kisses. Ahah-ah-ah!

No! I don't need an agent.

Food. What about food?
Let Mama do the catering.

You know I can make a lasagna
so dense it can feed people.

Fine! You can be my craft-service lady,

but only 'cause a fed crew
is a happy crew.

But you're not to say
anything to anyone.

Oh, yay! We're making a movie!

[LAUGHS] I mean, you're making a movie.

I'm not making anything.

Except banana bread and
phone calls to my friends. [LAUGHS]

Like always,
my smother couldn't stay away.

But there was one family member
I happily welcomed on board.

I want in on your movie.

Wha... Seriously?

Geoff said it's a good script,
and that it's not just

your mouth-breathing
loser friends helping.

It's also real people.

I-I can't believe it!

Composing for a minor motion picture

is [CHUCKLING] gonna be huge
for my music career.

So, what do you say?

Yes! I always knew one day

we'd collaborate on something amazing.

Okay, I don't take notes,
and I'll call you when I'm done.

- [RECEIVER CLICKS]
- And... she's gone.

[RECEIVER CLICKS]

Concerning.

- Don't be nervous, love bug.
- Not nervous.

This is everything you've
ever hoped and dreamed about.

Now I'm nervous.

It was the first day of my big movie.

The sets were built.
The cameras were loaded.

And I couldn't wait to call, "action!"

Holy balls! Dan, this is unreal!

How'd you pull it off so fast?

I melded together the old sets

from "The King and I,"
"Oklahoma," and "Damn Yankees."

Also, I have
a lot of spare time on my hands

'cause I struggle socially.

And you can see it in your work, pal.

Now, where's my actors?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHIP CRACKS]

Oh, wow! You guys really look

just like the real characters.

Are those the security tags
from Benetton?

No.

Uh, excuse me. Trail mix?

Apple slices? Little cup of tuna?

No thanks, craft service.

Now, please stay
in your designated area.

As you wish, Director Goldberg.

Did you hear that, everybody?

This squishy tushy monster

is in charge of the whole enchilada.

Ignore the kooky food lady, people!

Now, let's make a picture!

- All right.
- Yeah!

- Whoo!
- Right on.

As my adventure began,

my brother's crusade had come to an end.

[GASPS] There it is!

It was a long, grueling journey,

but as Barry gazed upon Donkey's,

shining like a delicious beacon of hope,

he knew it would all be worth it.

Nothing could stop him now.

Hey! Open up!

Unless they got there too late.

Please, crusty old man!
Just one. One sandwich.

One.

[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

But choose... wisely.

It wasn't an immortal Templar,
but the pressure was still on.

Mmm, oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

That's the good stuff I remember.

I got to admit... not bad.

Unh, it's got a little heat to it.

Whoa! Coming on kinda strong.

It's fighting back pretty hard.

Oh, that's a spicy punch to the mouth.

- Ohhh!
- The biting is relentless!

- Aaah!
- What the hell did you put on this thing?!

- Something called "Donkey Kick Sauce."
- Ohh!

It was in the condiment section,
but sounded special,

so I smeared it all over.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- [EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- He chose... poorly.

[MUSIC ENDS]

What the [bleep] is wrong with that guy?

- No idea!
- Give me the keys! We're going home.

Oh, no!

♪

It's not like we lost the keys.

We know exactly where they are.

While Barry and my dad dealt
with a spicy mess,

I was feeling cool
in the director's seat.

Or so I thought.

Hey. I made the boulder

that's gonna roll down these
temple steps right for Indy.

Um, I think that should be,
like, times as big.

That makes sense.
Man, you're super good at directing.

Turns out, directing is,
like, really hard.

Okay, I'm back, and I nailed it.

Oh! So, you want, like, a big one.

Like... Like, not a rock, but a boulder.

Okay, this one's smaller,
so that's on me.

♪

And props were the least of my problems.

Okay, time for the snake.
Where's my wrangler?

Bad news, bro. No snake.

No snake?

- No snake.
- No snake.

- Snake got away.
- Snake got away?

- Snake's gone.
- Snake's gone?

- No snake.
- No snake.

Don't worry...
he's super fast and hungry.

He'll make himself known.

I'll just fix it in post.

[GRUNTS LIGHTLY]

Then came the problems with the actors.

Whoo! Let's fight a boulder
and karate chop a t*nk!

Matt, stop chugging Jolt colas.

Can't! I could do this all day, bro!

Yo, Adam, I think your Indy

clearly has a major sugar problem.

Then, of course, there were
the technical difficulties.

No, no, no! Dude!

You can't expose any of the film
to actual daylight!

So, what's the least upsetting way

of saying we got to reshoot
lots and lots of stuff?

It's fine.

I'll just cut down on my sh*t
list and fix the rest in post.

Thankfully, my composer would rescue me.

Buckle up, moviemakers.

Guess who just composed

the greatest movie score of all time.

Erica! It's my sister, Erica!

Oh, thank God you came home
from college to help me!

- But it wasn't a movie score...
- [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

...just a lame pop song
to further her own career.

♪ Come on, DJ, play that song ♪

♪ Let's party all night long ♪

♪ I'm Indiana Jonesin' for your body ♪

♪ I'm Indiana Jonesin' for your lips ♪

♪ You're tearing my heart
right out of my chest ♪

♪ And now I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for that whip ♪

[WHIP WHOOSHES, CRACKS]

Come on! Do the Indy.

And Indiana Jones whip.

- [WHIP WHOOSHES, CRACKS]
- Yes!

[SIGHS] It's fine. I'll fix it in post.

Let's just keep sh**ting.

All right, let's go!
Everybody out! It's : .

Volleyball team's got to practice.

Coach, I can't just lose my location.

How's about I sh**t around you guys,

and then I'll fix it in post?

sh**t around them?

They just put up a net
in front of the set.

Everyone, stop asking questions.
Too many things have changed.

[VOICE BREAKING]
My sh*t list is useless!

Uh, help?

Hey, you found my snake.

Guys.

He's looking for food.
Just go limp, bro.

It's fine! I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep sh**ting.

Adam, uh, maybe you should take five.

Sure! I've got nothing but time!

It's not like this whole thing depends

on what I decide every...

Ha! He's melting down!

...single second!

- [CLATTERS]
- Aah.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Balllllllllsssssss!

BEVERLY: Boopie!

Shake it off, Goldberg!

- Ohh.
- Oh! Oh!

I'll fix it in post.

While I was in production hell,

Barry and my dad were stuck
at the worst place on earth...

a Jersey bus station.

Looks good. That from Donkey's?

Oh, yeah, worth the trip

for the best cheesesteak on the planet.

Hear that? "Best on the planet."

That's proof that I'm right.

Truth is, Barry, I'm never
calling you a moron ever again.

Really?

Yeah, I'm beginning to think,
after today,

that you're an actual moron.

And if you are an actual, factual moron,

then to keep calling you one
is just plain mean.

No, I don't want to not be
called a moron for that reason.

I want to not be called a moron
'cause I'm not a moron.

How 'bout "Barry"? You like "Barry"?

Is "Barry" good for you?

That's even worse!

- ["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS]
- And then it happened.

Barry saw his opportunity
to prove to our dad,

once and for all,
that he wasn't a moron.

That's it.

We're eating a Donkey steak
if it's the last thing I do!

Sit down and do not mess
with that man's sandwich.

We'll just switch it
with our flaming hot one!

He's a giant.
He'll never notice the spicy.

That's not how spicy works.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪

Hey!

Oh, crap!

Sir, please don't chase my son!

He's a moron! It's not his fault!

♪

[GRUNTS]

♪

- [BONES cr*ck]
- Ow!

My cheesesteak-eating arm!

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Please don't. I have to win a bet!

After my disastrous day of filming,

I was truly left a broken man.

Fix it in post. I'mma fix it in post.

- Let... Let me take a look.
- [FILM PROJECTOR CLICKING]

And so, I screened
the only usable footage I had.

That's why I got into showbiz.

Do you think any of them
noticed me gaffing?

That's a wrap, weirdos!

- Out of my gym!
- Go! Go! Go!

Come on, scram!

- [THUDS]
- Aah!

It wasn't great.

Question... just h-how much
can you fix in post?

Honestly, I don't care

'cause I, like, suck at directing stuff.

Don't say that. You are
my little Stevie Spielboopie.

I'm not. I'm gonna be
painfully honest here.

I always said I wanted to direct,

but I didn't really know what it meant.

And now I do, and I hated every second.

But this is all
you've ever talked about.

If not this, what else are you gonna be?

I guess... nothing.

♪

And so, I abandoned
my first directing gig

feeling hopeless and broken.

But not nearly as broken as
Barry's cheesesteak-eating arm.

How's the arm?

Broken. Like the rest of me.

So, you lost some car keys. Who cares?

The fact is, I am a total moron,

and I deserve to be called one.

Do you know why I point out
your stupidity times a day?

'Cause all I do is make stupid choices?

For sure.

["THE RAIDERS MARCH" PLAYS]

But you're also a really smart kid.

And it's a father's job
to help make sure

his kids grow up to make smart choices.

So, when you call me a moron,

it's just 'cause
you really want the best for me?

Something like that.

And under everything,
it just means, "I love you."

Don't push it, moron.

But, uh, yes.

For sure.

That day, the real treasure
my dad and brother found

wasn't a sandwich at all.

Admit it... it's the best, right?

You know what?

Leaving those keys behind

may be the smartest thing
you've ever done.

You chose... wisely.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

What is his deal?

- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Where you going, schmoops?

Returning this camera,
'cause I'll never need it again.

No, I can't let you do that.

Mom, please don't make this about you.

I'm not.

Adam, what you do with your life
is not my story.

I know that now.

But I can't let you quit
your dream of being Spielberg.

- You really should.
- Come on.

There must have been some little
part of this that was fun.

I guess when I was by myself writing.

- Well, that's a start.
- Just writing?

Adam, you may not be
a big star like Spielberg,

but I know you'll find your way
to shine just as bright.

Turns out, when you let
your loved ones see you

for who you really are,

that's where the adventure truly begins.

Here we go, Dan.

You're an evil billionaire
who hustles pool

for religious artifacts.

Do it with feeling and purpose.

Turns out, my real quest
was finding my calling.

It feels good to just be the writer.

One might say I made that happen.

No! You did not make anything happen!
I mean it.

And there was one person who
saw it in me the whole time.

But... thanks, Mama.

Of course, schmoopy.

And... action!

Eight ball, corner pocket.

- [BALL CLACKS]
- Ugh!

You're calling the eight ball?

Why, that's ludicrous, Indiana Jones!

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Ugh!

- Yes!
- [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[g*nsh*t NOISES]

♪

[THUDS]

I watched all three Indy movies.

And now I really know what kind
of song you're looking for.

Erica, I'm not directing...

Just give me another chance!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ I'm Indiana Jonesin' for that music ♪

♪ I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for those skeleton bones ♪

♪ I'll throw you the idol,
you throw me your whip ♪

[WHIP CRACKS]

♪ I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for Indiana Jones ♪

♪ Yo, girl, it's Indy, make some room ♪

♪ Wanna take you back
to my Temple of Boom ♪

♪ Girl's so hot that I say,
"Damn, you belong in a museum" ♪

♪ All around the map,
from Paris to Prague ♪

♪ No, they named me after the dog ♪

♪ Drop you
like you're a German soldier ♪

♪ Run over you like a big-ass boulder ♪

♪ Indiana Jones, you can raid my ark ♪

♪ And, also, I'm afraid of snakes ♪

No.