05x17 - Colors

[bunniefuu]

Back in the ' s, TV gave us

some of the most
iconic friendships ever.

Ricky had Alfonso. Natalie had Blair.

Tattoo had Ricardo Montalban.

But the greatest friendships of
the decade came from my family.

Barry had his trusted Jenkintown Posse.

I ran with the badass theater geeks.

And we were kings of the school, kinda.

My dad's crew was our dog,
Lucky, and his ratty old chair.

Even my mom found a group of friends.

They were a g*ng

of busybody yentas

who proudly called
themselves the "Frentas."

They were known for
their power-walking,

gossiping, and matchmaking.
[Whistle blows]

[Chuckles] You are an expert.

Beverly, this match is inspired.

I know.

I dug down deep and pictured myself

being thanked at their wedding.

Hey! We're sharing a private,

supercharged, erotic moment over here!

We've been spotted! Run! Run!

And the height of their Frentaship

was their weekly brunches.

Guess who brought fresh-cut flowers.

And guess who brought
bagels n' schmears.

And guess who brought mimosas.

Come on in! Sunday's funday!

[All cheering]

[All grunting, groaning]

I just punished my insides.

- I got to unbutton.
- Tummy so full.

I'm a ticking time b*mb.

What happened to my eggs Florentine,

crusty sausage puffs,
and fluffy Bevcakes?

Oh, that was for you guys?

Yes. Who else would it be for?

We just thought someone
abandoned a four-person brunch,

so we were like, "Let's go to town."

It's fine. We can just have the bagels.

- Linda, look out!
- [Gasps] They're back!

I don't even know how they got here!

They're like raccoons!

Get! Get! Get!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was March , -something,

and me and the theater geeks

were about to have our worlds rocked.

[Clatter] [Group singing scales]

Shut up! Shut up! Shut your tiny mouths!

Not to be dramatic, but
I have mind-melting news

that will change your lives forever!

I am talking about

"Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat."

The national tour starring
triple thr*at David Cassidy

is coming to Philly.

- Did you get us tickets?
- Better.

In each city, they hire local
kids to be the children's choir

that sings live onstage.

And guess who sent them a
tape of last year's Winter Jam

and harassed them until they said yes.

- You?
- Me!

[All cheering]

Holy balls!

We're gonna tread the boards
of the Walnut Street Theatre!

I heard the kids in Pittsburgh

got to have bios in the "Playbill"!

We should dine at
restaurants while we can,

'cause soon, we're gonna
be mobbed by adoring fans.

All of your expectations
are completely reasonable.

Next stop, Broadway!

[All cheering]

Dad, I have amazing news!

All I need is for you to
drive me to play rehearsal

in downtown Philly during
the height of rush hour

for the next three months.

Oh, that was the first
time I said that out loud.

- Can I go back?
- Wait a minute.

This is every day? What about homework?

Homework is for people
who can't do this.

Stop. I'm not gonna have you flunk out

'cause of some goofy play.

Goofy? Okay, let me put this
in terms you'll understand.

This would be like if I was asked

to do a hockey thing for, like...

What's the Broadway of hockey?

There's clearly no answer
that's gonna work for both of us.

Dad, it's totally unfair if you say no.

I mean, you drive Barry

to his wrestling
matches and hockey games.

Well, that's completely different.

- How?
- I like those things.

You see the distinction?

While my theater future looked bleak,

Barry and his boys were watching

their favorite movie, "Colors,"

the story of g*ng life and
the friendships that survive.

Man, I always thought "Red Dawn"

was the most awesome movie about colors,

but it's "Colors."

They're a fiercely
loyal group or friends.

They're just like us, ya know?

I love you, JTP.

All: JTP.

Oh, man, I feel like
I want to hug you guys.

But let's play football instead.

[Giggles] Frentas al fresco.

Does it get any better than this, girls?

[Laughs]

[All scream]

That's pass interference!

Essie Karp's big dumb
head got in the way!

Sweet! Various cheeses.

Oh, yeah. [All munching]

Barry! We're having Sunday
Funday in the backyard,

so you kids go play in the front yard.

Fine. We'll just play at Andy's house.

His awesome mom is always so welcoming

and makes the best snacks.

[Whispering] It's Barry's new
tactic to bend Bev to his will.

Please! I make mine with
love and lots of mayonnaise.

[Whispering] She literally
can't stand the idea

of being replaced by another mom.

Yeah, but she always makes
you feel at home, you know?

My body was your home for nine months.

Yeah, so you claim.

Watch the master at work.

Have fun with your
pals... Mrs. Goldberg.

[Music played]

Barry, wait.

Take the backyard. [Gasps]

My real mom's love has brought me back!

Oh!

Ladies, always a pleasure.

[Sniffs]

- JTP!
- JTP!

[Door closes] Close call.

They almost went to
another yard for football.

Bev, we're your best friends.

We help each other out
through thick and thin, right?

- Of course.
- Then it's our job to tell you

that boy manipulates
the hell out of you!

- Played you like a fiddle.
- Please.

I invented emotional
blackmail and guilt.

That's my jam.

Well, then he learned from the best.

Thanks to her friends, my mom
realized she was being played.

Meanwhile, a play about Joseph

made my friends divas
and me the odd man out.

Last night's rehearsal was amazing.

I love how loose we all
get as the night wears on.

Yeah, that's when David
Cassidy says the magic happens.

Okay, stop the madness!

None of you actually know David Cassidy.

Adam! David is a colleague.

I can't have this negativity.

I have to perform tonight,
and if I'm not %,

that's just not fair to the audience.

I'm gonna say something
controversial, Adam.

I think you're acting
petty 'cause you're jealous.

Of course I am! You're rubbing elbows

with the hottest stars
of regional theater

and getting special treatment at school.

Hey, when we're here,

we're just regular
students, like everyone else.

Okay! Time for some vocal warm-ups!

Of course, those of
you who are in "Joseph"

can come with me for some hot cocoa

in the teachers lounge.

I can't have my stars
straining their voices.

Um, what about the rest of us?

Oh. Uh, you have a sub this period.

All right, you musical scrubs!

It's my understanding that you guys are

the theatrical equivalent
of bench riders.

So, I'm gonna whip you into
shape with some su1c1de scales

and some voice sprints.

Those aren't real things, Coach.

Also, I should be with the talent,

not stuck here with these dirtbags

who take choir for an easy "A."

Why are you never this
fired up in gym class?

'Cause I'm a theater geek, Coach,

not that you'd ever understand.

[Blows whistle] That's
a flag on the assumption!

Really? You like musicals?

[Stirring music plays] Last month,
my lady love, Ms. Cinoman, dragged me

to a community college
for an evening of theater.

I had prepared myself
for a night of misery,

when out of nowhere,

this troupe of cats came
crawling down the aisle.

They were singing, dancing,

with their athletic thighs
and their gymnastic voices.

I wish I could remember
what that show was called.

[Music stops] "Cats."

No. That's not it.

It'll come to me.

The point is, that was the night

my love for musical theater was born.

That's it! If I can get
my dad to see "Joseph,"

then he'll turn into a theater
geek and finally get me!

All it took for me was
seeing one dancing cat show.

I think it was called "Pets."

"Cats"! It's called "Cats"!

All right, smarty pants!
Drop and give me !

what?

Monologues. Stage laps.

No, wait! Vocal tongue
twisters! Move it!

Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.
Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.

Mommy made me mash my M&Ms.

As my theater dreams crumbled,

my mom and the Frentas were
standing strong against Barry.

Aw, Bar?

The moms are back, and this time
they have Donkey Kong hammers.

Mom, today's the JTP Bowl!

Go play your lady golf somewhere else.

And so the great
Goldberg turf w*r began,

and only one g*ng of friends
would be left standing.

[Chuckles]

Sorry, Pickle. Your end
zone is now our brunch zone.

Fine. Then we'll all go
play at Naked Rob's house.

His awesome mother always greets us

with Ecto Coolers, Pringles, and hugs.

Once again, Barry used
his latest technique

of emotional manipulation
to trap my mom.

But for the first time ever,
she didn't take the bait.

[Chuckles] You were
cutting it close there.

We were about to head
over to Mrs. Naked's house.

Say "hi" to the Nakeds for me.

But, you're supposed to beg me to stay

and try to match or b*at
the snack offer of Pringles.

Well, my friends made me
realize you've been playing me.

Well, you know what I think?

Those "friends" of yours
are a bad influence!

Please! You don't even know 'em!

Believe me, I've lived a long time.

I know a bad apple when I see one!

Pfft! I can be friends
with whoever I want!

Don't you walk away
from me, Young Lady Mom!

♪

Okay, I'm putting my foot down.

This is our yard, so please go!

Your yard? Oh, no, honey.

This yard belongs to us now.

Let's make one thing clear.

This turf belongs to the JTP.

JTP!

Only turf I see belongs to us.

- Ain't that right, Frentas?
- Frentas!

Oh, no. They did a call-and-response.

Took us years to get there.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you run inside
and fix Essie a fresh mamose.

You hear that, JTP?

They think we work for them!

[Laughter]

No, bro. It's two parts
O.J. to one part champagne.

Okay, everyone stop!

What is going on right now?

Seems like your mom
turned the tables on you

'cause her friends
helped her learn and grow.

Well, then, we must seek
guidance from the only person

who knows how to outsmart
Beverly Goldberg...

My sister, Erica.

No.

So... no Erica? At all?

That is all we're gonna get.

Aw. But I was really looking
forward to seeing her this week.

Well, if you think about
it, she's off at college,

so it really makes no sense

why she'd be involved in any of this.

So, now what?

Now we take our yard back.

We're in a real-life turf w*r, JTP,

two rival gangs going head-to-head,

just like in that movie "Colors."

I don't think this
is anything like that.

We were there first, and they
came and took our backyard.

What's different?

"Colors" is an incredibly
real and poignant movie

about socioeconomic factors

that created a political
tinderbox within...

Now you get it!

We're in a real-life w*r, just
like in that movie "Colors."

Guys, we live in the
suburbs of Jenkintown.

It's super offensive to compare our...

Bro, just get on board.
He's not letting this one go.

Fine. We're in a turf w*r.

- "Colors"!
- "Colors"!

- "Colors"!
- "Colors"!

"Colors," I guess.

I was on a mission to
make my dad a theater geek.

But there was only one way to get him

to actually watch a musical... lie!

Dad, I have amazing news!

You say that a lot,
but it never pans out.

Oh. Then I guess I can't
interest you in these...

hockey sport tickets!

Wait. You got us Flyers tickets?

It does say that on
the envelope, so yes.

The two of us together?

Listen, I'm always pushing
you to understand my stuff,

so, for once, I thought
it'd be cool for you...

Whoa!

Thank you. This means everything.

- Oh, boy.
- All my life,

the only way I knew how to
connect with other people

was through sports.

A hug. That's unexpected.

And when I realized
you had no interest...

This is a really long hug.

I just didn't know how to get close.

But now I can!

The important thing is, I
bought us tickets to something.

Doesn't matter what.

You know, once you discover
the magic of hockey,

then you'll see what I see,

and you'll become a true puck head.

Kind of like how seeing a musical

could turn you into a theater geek?

[Laughs]

You know, normally, I
don't get your jokes,

but it's already working!

Oh-oh-oh, man. I am so looking
forward to this hockey game.

Me too!

Mmmmmwah!

This is a really long hug.

Coach!

My plan backfired, and now if I
don't take my dad to the Flyers,

I'll break his heart!

I'm on my shake break.

Don't you have any other
friends you can talk to?

They're all in "Joseph."

Please help me find sports tickets.

What's the TKTS of hockey?

All right, I'm gonna help you out here.

I share season tickets to the Flyers

with other gym teachers.

You'd do that for me?

No. I'd do it for my
lady love, Ms. Cinoman.

This musical is her creative vision,

and I got to support it.

All she did was send in a tape.

I think you and I both know
she's the heart of this show.

[Gulping]

So much egg, beets thick.

Thanks to Mellor, I
scored some hockey tickets.

Meanwhile, Barry was evening
the score with the Frentas.

It's now or never, boys.

We're not just at w*r for our turf,

we're at w*r for our honor.

Again, there is no w*r...

Just a minor disagreement
with your mother.

And we're taking that mother down.

♪ Colors, colors,
colors, colors, colors ♪

♪ I am a nightmare walkin',
psychopath talkin' ♪

♪ King of my jungle,
just a gangster stalkin' ♪

♪ Livin' life like a firecracker ♪

♪ Quick is my fuse ♪

♪ Then dead as a death
pack, the colors I choose ♪

♪ Red or Blue, Cuz or
Blood, it just don't matter ♪

♪ Sucka die for your life
when my shotgun scatters ♪

♪ Colors ♪
♪ The gangs of L.A. will never die ♪

♪ Just multiply, colors ♪

♪ Colors, colors ♪

You guys lose something? Like your turf?

JTP!

All: JTP!

♪ Colors, colors ♪

♪ Colors, colors, colors ♪

Ladies, choose your weapons.

♪ Colors, colors ♪

♪ My pants are
saggin', braided hair ♪

♪ Suckas stare, but I don't care ♪

♪ My game ain't
knowledge, my game's fear ♪

♪ I've no remorse,
so squares beware ♪

♪ But my true mission
is just revenge ♪

♪ You ain't in my set,
you ain't my friend ♪

♪ Wear the wrong color,
your life could end ♪

Uh, Bar?

I think we lost the turf w*r.

♪ Colors, colors, colors ♪

♪ Colors, colors ♪

What am I looking at right now?

It's a gazebo.

And that's French for "Eat [bleep]."

[Laughs]

- Ouch.
- It's over.

- Told you.
- Incredible craftsmanship.

♪ Colors ♪

[Organ music plays]

I am so jealous of you,
your first hockey game.

[Chuckles] There's nothing like it!

Must be like opening
night at the theater.

Not that you would know.

Yeah, I was super bummed
to be watching ice sports

instead of toe-tapping musical theater.

But then something magical happened.

Whoa. So fast and effortless.

That's Tim Kerr, left wing.

He's like the Ben Vereen of skating.

Go, go, go!

I discovered hockey kicks ass!

Ohh!

You suck, Winnipeg Jets!

Oh, my God, they're the Jets!

It's like "West Side Story" on ice!

Thanks to my dad, I
became a true hockey nut...

Standing ovation! Standing ovation!

...with a lot to learn.

Oh, yeah! The gloves are coming off!

I love hockey!

I love hockey!

Now I know why Barry never takes off

this dumb Flyers shirt.

It's like I'm part of the team,
and I want everyone to know it.

I can't take it. This
is too much, too fast.

I'm gonna give you a hug! [Chuckles]

And you know what's even better?

When you go to "Joseph" and
I teach you about what I love!

WazdaJoseph?

We just learned something incredible.

I tried your thing, which
I thought I would hate,

- but I loved it!
- That's true.

Think about it like this.

How did you feel when Dave
Brown was sent to the box

for cross-checking when we
already had the power play?

I was on the edge of my seat.

And that's how you'll feel when
Potifar unfairly jails Joseph.

I can't believe that analogy
completely makes sense to me.

'Cause I love hockey.
We can communicate now.

See how important this is?

Okay! I'll go see the thing.

- To the theater!
- I'm gonna give you a hug!

I'm gonna let ya!

Okay, JTP.

Today, we face a rival g*ng the
likes of which we've never seen.

They're crafty, they're
pushy, they're old.

What do we do?

I got it!

Moms love laundry, right?

So we bring in a basket of clothes

and have them fight
over who gets to fold it.

Or we tell them
the floor's dirty,

watch them scrap over who gets
to mop it to a brilliant shine.

Or we say only one of
them has the privilege

of making us an afternoon snack,
and then we watch them fight.

Um, guys?

Your plan is predicated on the idea

that these moms love
cooking and cleaning,

and I don't think they do.

Buzzkill Bradley strikes again.

What does "predicated"
even mean? You suck!

All right, fine. Just do...
Just do the laundry thing!

You realize those boys
are upstairs right now,

plotting against us?

Let them try. We're inseparable.

I am so glad that you finally
stood up for yourself, Beverly.

Oh, well, that's all thanks to you guys.

No! You deserve the credit

for putting that bratty
little jerk in his place.

[Chuckling] Whoa! Okay.

Let's not go crazy.

Essie's right... Barry can act like

a bit of a poop head sometimes.

My child's head is not
made of poop, Ginzy.

I mean, do you ever hear me
call your son a dirty man-tramp?

'Cause he so is one.

How dare you. Drew is a gentleman.

Girls, stop. Let's just agree

that both of your sons are meh at best.

Oh, please, Linda. Your precious
little Geoffy is part of this, too.

Well, that's just Barry's bad influence.
[Indistinct arguing]

And so they all broke the
cardinal rule of Frentaship,

never rip on someone else's child.

Baaad news, ladies!

We got a lot of laundry,

and only one of you gets to fold it.

I'm sorry.

No, that's fine, Barry.
They were just leaving.

- Fine by me.
- Perfect!

These bubbles are mine!

[Door slams]

What just happened?

I can't have people in my
life who disrespect my kids.

The yard's all yours.
Have fun with your friends.

Does anyone else feel
really bad right now?

- Yeah.
- I do.

Doesn't feel so good to win a turf w*r.

Colors.

Colors.

It's really nothing like it.

You've got to shut up. It's not...

Now that I shared my
dad's love of hockey,

it was time for him to fall in love

with the glory that is musical theater.

Man, I am so jealous
of you right now,

your first musical.

There's nothing like it.

You know what? I think
this won't be so bad.

With that,

Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus began,

and my dad was totally digging it...

for about seconds.

After that, he was squirming.

These seats are so small.
It's worse than an airplane.

And he was hungry.

Let me do it.

And finally, he was sleepy.

Very, very...

incredibly sleepy.

Dad! Wake up! It's the curtain call!

Ah. Great. Let's go.

Never again.

That was so boring!

I've never felt such
exhaustion in my life.

Exhaustion?!

You slept through half the show

and missed all the best Pharaoh songs!

That's another thing...
What's with all the singing?

It's a musical!

Who sings that much? Who does that?

Just think. There had to
be something that you liked.

Yeah, that part in the middle
where I thought it was over.

The intermission?!

What do you want from me?!

I don't get theater, Adam.

[Sighs] Then you don't get me.

So, theater wasn't my dad's thing.

But seeing me so hurt
made him do something

I never thought was possible.

Class, a very angry
parent has informed me

that some of you felt excluded
from the "Joseph" tour.

So, to make it right, I hereby
change the school musical

to "Joseph" instead of "Cats."

[Laughter]

"Cats"! That's the title!

My coat of many colors, please.

It's got sleeves, if
you want to use them.

I'm fine.

♪ I closed my eyes ♪

♪ Drew back the curtain ♪

♪ To see for certain ♪

♪ What I thought I knew ♪

Dad, wait!

You got her to do "Joseph"?

But you didn't even like it.

For sure.

But you finally got me to
see how much it means to you.

I did? How?

I guess now we're
speaking the same language.

I, uh...

I'm gonna hug you now.

Again? We already
hugged twice this week.

Well, now it's a hat trick.

♪ Wonderful and new ♪

Hey.

Shouldn't you be out brunching,
croqueting, or power-walking?

Well, that's not very
fun when you're alone.

Mom, don't be mad at your
friends for calling me out.

They only did that 'cause
they care about you.

I know.

But after that fight...

there's just no turning back.

Then I guess now you
can only move forward.

♪ A flash of light ♪

♪ My golden coat... ♪

Wow. Hi.

I can't believe you all came back.

Well, Barry made us realize

that nothing comes between friends.

I thought you said they
were a bad influence.

And that's why they're great for you.

♪ May I return ♪

[Laughter]

♪ To the beginning ♪

Thanks to Barry, my
mom had her crew back,

and the great Goldberg
turf w*r came to a close.

To be clear, it was nothing
like the movie "Colors."

But in my world,

a coat of many colors
was more alive than ever.

That's my son!

Look at him bow! Look at him go!

Sure, my dad never did
grow to love the theater,

but when the cast was just right,

he was finally able to change his tune.

'Cause when you got family
and friends by your side,

life truly is a journey worth taking.

♪ Any dream will do ♪

Which of you is most
like your TV counterpart?

- Andy Cogan.
- Yeah, it's me.

[Ding]

Mine's too good-looking,
'cause I'm ugly.

[Ding]

Yes, I was the one who
always got the girls,

so I always got good dates.

[Ding]

But he is sensitive and loyal,

which I am... sensitive and loyal.

And I get naked.