05x20 - The Opportunity of a Lifetime

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Baseball. America's
pastime. Growing up,

My brother, Barry, was one
of those kids whose dream

was to take the mound
at Veterans Stadium.

And then, one day, he got an actual
sh*t to become a Philadelphia Philly,

thanks to one of the greatest gimmicks
of the ' s, the radio call-in contest.

Angelo Cataldi here with the
opportunity of a lifetime,

the th caller throws
out the first pitch

at the Phillies game.

Lucky, Adam, thank you for joining me.

Today, Big Tasty wins the
most coveted prize in AM radio.

You do realize these are

virtually impossible to win, right?

Not when you invented
a top-secret formula

that guarantees me to
be the th caller.

Seriously? How?

Two words, Math matics.

Just hit caller . So close.

It's . seconds per call,

so if I multiply the amount of callers

by the rate of calls,

then I dial them up in exactly...

Dial right now! Don't
wait another second!

- minutes.
- Yeah, that's not right.

Just hit caller .

You should call right now!

You dare question my Texas Instruments?!

It's from Texas. That's
where NASA is, bro!

Caller ! Get off your ass and call!

Now we just sit and wait, Lucky.

Congrats. You're the th caller.

What?! That's impossible!

What's your name, and where you from?

Adam Goldberg. I'm from Jenkintown.

Oh, no.

This is amazing. I've
literally never won anything.

What the hell are you doing?!

Yeah, I'll hold.

Just stole your stupid baseball pitch.

You can't, dude! This
pitch is an opportunity

- of a lifetime!
- How?

'Cause once the Phillies
see my flamethrower,

they'll give me a brand-new
Mustang as a signing bonus.

Aww, that's a shame, 'cause
instead, you get to watch me.

Please, I'll give you anything you want.

- Go on.
- My Sports Illustrated

- football phone.
- No.

A Rubik's Cube with all the stickers

- taken off so you always win.
- No.

- A leaf that looks like a boob.
- Nope.

This incredibly
stretched-out Coke bottle

- filled with colored sand.
- Nah.

- A limited-edition butt mug.
- Pass.

Super Madball Touchdown

- Terror football.
- Unh-unh.

This awesome drawing
I made of a leopard.

Do better.

My prized Kathy Ireland poster

personally autographed to me.

You misspelled "Kathy".

Final offer...

Whenever Mom tries to
snuggle you in any way,

I will act as a human shield to protect.

Now that I'll take.

- Ha, sucker.
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, Mama. Those vanilla-chunk
cookies smell amazing.

You know what else is
an amazing vanilla chunk?

You. [Chuckles]

Not on my watch.

Barry, no. This neck nuzzle is for Adam.

Well, you have no choice but
to nuzzle my neck instead.

Well, that's an unexpected win-win.

Aah! Don't doubt yourself,
Barry. Do it for the Phillies.

This is so worth it. [Laughs]

This really is!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was May , -something,

and Erica was showing
her best friend, Lainey,

around the greatest place on Earth.

Seriously, college is the best.

My classes are, like, so interesting.

Mine, too. I'm always
like, "I did not know that."

I love the parties and
meeting smart people

and living with my
roommate, who is awesome.

[Scoffs] Tell me about it.

I love my roommate, The Raven.

- The what?
- It's her Wiccan name.

She's so cool and artsy and chain smokes

and flicks the ashes
at me while I sleep.

Yeah, she doesn't sound great.

That's 'cause she's not!
She's horrible and scary!

And I hate her and
everything else at college.

- Well, thank God.
- Me too!

- Really?
- Yes!

I only said that college is the best

because you seemed
really positive about it.

Oh, no. Fashion school
was such a mistake.

I like buying clothes
and the wearing them part,

but making my own stuff sucks
'cause I have to do the sewing.

You know what's worse?

I came here to play music,

but all they make me
do is read these big,

boring textbooks about it.

- You could sue.
- For sure!

I'm not a lawyer, but
I have a real case here.

God, I miss high school so much.

You and me, singing in my room,

dreaming of being stars.

We were so young last year.

Such a happy time.

Honestly, I wish we could
just forget about college,

start a band, and have fun again.

- Then let's do it.
- Do what?

Lainey, we're adults now.

We can do whatever the hell we want.

Yeah, I don't think I can just
blow off school to start a band.

I have a mid-term
project due next week.

So? I have a music theory final tomorrow

and I haven't even cracked
open this giant book.

Is this really happening?

Are we blowing off school

to become a rock-'n'-roll super-group?

We'll be like Joan
Jett meets The Bangles.

- Meets Madonna.
- Obviously!

All we need now is a
kick-ass lady drummer.

Ooh, that's gonna be hard to find.

- I'll do it.
- Wait, really?

I thought you were an Art History major.

My stupid mom forced me to take

marching band in middle school.

So you still play?

No, but I air-drum to Genesis,

like, all the time and
I'm, like, sick at it.

Okay, we got our drummer! It's fate!

Seriously, what are the chances
you end up with a roommate

who likes the idea of drumming?

This literally can't fail.

Dude, look at her go!

That probably sounds amazing.

And so, my sister happily threw away

her college education.

Meanwhile, my dad was about to learn

that Barry was one throw
away from baseball glory.

Father! In preparation
for my pitch at the Vet,

it is essential I have a
top-of-the-line radar g*n

that clocks my expl*sive fastball.

How are you throwing out the
first pitch at a Phillies game?

W.I.P. call-in contest.

My boy's throwing out the first pitch?

Here, take my card.
Buy whatever you need.

I cannot wait to show Mike Schmidt

the nasty aspirin tablet
I fire-hose in there!

You only have one chance
to dazzle the Phillies

with your arm. Am I right?

That's what I was thinking

'cause there is a world
where they see my bazooka

and I immediately get
a contract and uniform.

, people at the Vet

are gonna see that
flamethrower of yours.

I'm sorry.

I was just deturding some shrimp

and I couldn't help but overhear.

, people?

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

My boy's gonna make
the Goldberg name proud.

I won't let you down, Dad.
I'm gonna bring the thunder.

I cannot believe
you're gonna be standing

on the same grass with Mike Schmidt.

It's too much!

"Same grass"? We're
gonna be on the same team.

Can you imagine sharing a
locker room with Schmidty?

I'll grow a sweet moustache to match his

and then we'll date twin weather girls.

Promise me you'll grow
a 'stache. Promise!

[Laughs] Murray, are
you sure about this?

You know how Barry caves
under the slightest pressure.

I played baseball in high school.

Barry's got this.

That makes no sense!

One thing has nothing
to do with the other.

Every day, my moron kids come in here

asking me for money for
the dumbest of dreams.

Finally, I found one I can get behind.

But you don't actually believe

that Barry will be
scouted onto the Phillies.

Of course not, but you never know.

- So you do think so?
- Not a chance!

Unless it happens.

Okay, kind of giving
me mixed signals here.

Listen to my words.

I know Barry will never
play for the Phillies,

although crazier things have happened.

[Laughs]

For the first time ever,

my mom was doubting one
of her precious children.

As for Erica, she was certain
of her rock-'n'-roll destiny.

A-one, two. A-one, two, three, four.

[Screaming] That's
sounded awesome, guys!

That's, like, a totally tight intro.

What a crazy-productive first day.

I mean, we decided on our look.

Super-feminine but tough.

And our band name, "The Tangles".

It, like, captures who we
are, but also doesn't, at all.

Now all that's left is the easy part,

writing a totally original hit song

that changes rock 'n' roll forever.

Actually, I've been
working on a little riff.

Let's hear it.

[Similar riff of Joan
Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll"]

Keep going. I think I got something.

♪ I enjoy rockin' out ♪

♪ So put another tape
in the boom box, baby ♪

Within seconds, The Tangles
stumbled upon an epic hit.

But in their excitement, no one realized

how shockingly similar it was

to a little song written by Joan Jett.

♪ I like rockin' out ♪

♪ So come on over and jam with me ♪

[Shrieks] I have chills!

Oh, my God.

Am I crazy, or is this a hit song?

Oh, my God.

You are not crazy. It's bad-ass...

Like, oh, my God!

...and totally defines The Tangles.

Okay, I wasn't gonna mention
this in case we sucked,

but now that we're
amazing, I think it's time

I make a call and get
us a gig at CBGB's.

- What?!
- What?!

My Uncle Louie's a bookie
who knows the booker.

Your uncle's the booker's bookie

at the grittiest rock club in the world?

Guys, playing New York has been my dream

ever since we got together this morning.

We got to make a bunch of fliers

and rent a van for all our gear.

Plus we need to make
some super-cute merch

that our fans will demand.

We're gonna need money and lots of it.

I'll cash in my meal card.

It's like every decision we
make continues to be perfect.

Ooh, Tangles forever!

Let's go.

Look that ball in the face and catch it!

- No flinching!
- Rick, we need to talk.

Lemme guess.

Barry's throwing out the
first pitch and you're worried.

- Oh, you know about the pitch?
- Everyone does.

He got on the P.A. and assured
us we'd all be forgotten

when he becomes a Major League star.

Well, he is throwing out a ball

in front of Mike Schmidt, so...

There's a small chance, right?

Wrong.

You see that boy right there?

That's Rubin Amaro Jr., baseball star,

recruited nationally
and currently dominating

seven of his peers with the
sheer power of his r*fle arm.

[Groans]

And yet his chances of
making it to the pros

are almost zero.

Wait, what?

If anybody can do it, it's you, Rubin!

So if Rubin might not be a Philly,

what's the best case for Barry here?

Best case?

Barry uncorks a wild pitch
and blinds a peanut vendor.

I don't get it.

Murray usually destroys
the kids' dreams,

but for some reason, this
one time, he's on board.

Well, unfortunately, your
husband is suffering from

what we in the athletic
community call "sports goggles."

I heard something
cr*ck inside of me. Oh!

"Sports goggles" are when a father gets

so swept up by the promise
of his son's athleticism,

he's unable to see his
own child's limitations.

Interesting. I have never heard of that.

Well, it's not unlike
the thick "mom goggles"

that you strap on every day
that prevents you from seeing

the staggering mediocrity
of your children.

Please. I would never be so blind

as to think that Barry
could become a Philly.

A professional model, sure,
or doctor or doctor-model.

The point is, you got to get those

sports goggles off your husband.

But how?

This is the first time I've
ever seen that light in his eyes.

If you really love your son,

you better figure out a
way to snuff that light out.

I'd like to go back to band now.

No flinching!

My mom was determined to protect Barry

from becoming a laughingstock,

and so began her mission
to shut down the big pitch.

Murray, we have a major issue
we have to talk about right now.

Sure thing.

Just need another minutes
for the lotion to settle in.

What am I looking at?
Why is this happening?

My pitching coach is
loosening up the 'ol slingshot

so I can show Tug McGraw what's what.

And you're gonna be doing it in style.

[Gasps, laughs] Is
that what I think it is?!

A Phillies jersey?

I can't wait to call all
my friends and tell them.

- It's nothing.
- No, Dad.

You made me the happiest
boy in the world.

You know, I always had a dream...

Mur? Really gotta talk.

...to one day pitch for the Phillies

- and that never happened.
- Really gotta talk.

And now, with you? You never know.

We don't know, do we?

And that's why I'm here.

I have some information
that suggests we know more

than we think we do... Oh,
God, I see Murray tears.

[Crying] I can't help it!

No, don't you cry. If you cry, I'll cry.

I'm just so damn proud.

You know what? Talk to your
mom. Let me get my bearings.

I just...

I wanted to tell Barry, uh...

[Quietly] Don't pitch.

Did you just call me a "dumb bitch"?

No, I said "don't pitch."

What? That's even worse!

Look, I spoke to Coach Mellor.

He said the most likely outcome here

is that you'll be a city-wide pariah.

[Gasps] The fish that have teeth? Yes!

They're the sharks of the river.

Not "piranha," Barry.

I'm saying you'll be a laughingstock.

Wow! This is just so typical of you.

Beverly Goldberg, always
stepping on her kids' dreams.

No, I do the opposite!
Everyone knows that!

Murray, back me up here.

I have to side with Bar on this one.

You know, if I don't support his talent,

then I have failed as a father.

No! That's the thing that I say.

"I failed as a mother."

You said it, not me.

What's up, Manhattan?!
We are The Tangles!

Whoo!

I'm dating the lead singer
and I took a bus up here

at the drop of a hat 'cause
I wanted to be supportive!

- We're gonna play now.
- I love you.

A-two, three, four!

♪ I'm out here livin' on my own ♪

♪ And it's the dream ♪

♪ Nobody screaming at me
to keep my bedroom clean ♪

With that, The Tangles unleashed

their hit single.

It was catchy, it was rocking,

and it was already a Joan Jett song.

♪ I enjoy rockin' out ♪

♪ So put another tape
in the boom box, baby ♪

♪ I enjoy rockin' out ♪

♪ So let's go to Sam
Goody and buy a CD ♪

[Feedback]

You gotta stop.

Is it 'cause we're too good?

Are you gonna sign us right here

in the middle of the song?

No. This club has a strict policy.

- No cover bands.
- What?

But this is a totally original
song that we wrote ourselves.

Uh, babe.

You know I totally
love everything you do,

but that was clearly
"I Love Rock n' Roll".

No way!

That songs goes... "I
love rock 'n' roll"

♪ So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby"

Ours goes...

♪ I enjoy rockin' out ♪

♪ So put another
tape in the boombox ♪

Oh, wow. We ripped off Joan Jett.

Yeah. That's why it sounded so familiar.

Okay, well...

that happens, but you know what?

We promise, there is no band

as groundbreaking as The Tangles.

I agree.

Now that you say it out loud,

our name sounds a lot like The Bangles.

- Also true.
- Okay.

Well, aside from ripping
off our song and name,

our style and look is totally original.

You do realize that you're all
dressed like Madonna, right?

You're supposed to be
on our side, Uncle Louie!

Just play something else.

Stop pressuring us. I am freaking out.

Okay, don't freak out.
We got this, girls.

Two, three, four.

We got nothin'.

I love you.

As The Tangles flamed out,
my brother's baseball career

was heating up and
that meant locking down

the perfect look for
his Topps trading card.

But not everyone around
him was stoking the flames.

Whatcha boys doing?

We're working on some poses
for our rookie baseball card.

I like the stance. Very rugged.

Bup, bup, only people who believe in me

are allowed to comment on
how rugged this stance is.

About that. I'm sorry I panicked.

Of course I believe in you, boopie.

In fact, I bought you some balls
so Mama can see that arm cannon.

All right, . Go get your glove.

Wow, we haven't had a game of catch

since I got kicked out of
T-ball for throwing the bat.

Ooh! You put some hot sauce on that one.

Here comes some cheese
with extra hot sauce.

See, Bevy? Kid's a natural.

He really is.

You know, I cannot
wait to watch you pitch

from feet, inches.

Why would we do that?

'Cause that's how far the
mound is from home plate.

I thought they just threw
from where it feels right.

Come on. You got this. Back it up.

Okay.

Go back a little further, schmoopie.

Okay, halfway there.

Ah, keep going. Almost there.

And stop.

Oh, I forgot I marked it with tape.

[Chuckles] Anyway, let 'er rip!

Man, looks closer on TV!

You got this, ! Smoke
it in here! Let's go!

Oop. [Thud]

It's got the height!
I just need control!

- Just a warm-up.
- Are you sure it's this far?!

Kind of seems like it'd be very taxing

on a pitcher's arm!

No, that's right. I looked
it up in the library.

Okay.

Here comes the heat for real this time.

[Glass shatters]

This is bad.

Yes, it is.

Whoo! [Laughs]

When I throw, I feel God's power!

We can't let him do this.

- We're [bleep].
- Ooh.

My dad finally saw the light.

As for The Tangles, they
were facing their dark future.

I don't know what's worse.

The fact that we bombed so hard

or the fact that we blew
all our money on merch.

Way to make a splash, rock stars!

Geoff, I love you, but please
don't try to spin this disaster.

Okay, so you got a little ambitious,

but forget about the merch.

At the end of the day,
you're still in college

with a roof over your head
and food in your tummy.

I cashed in my meal plan.

Uh-huh, that makes sense,
but why would you do that?

But it's fine because it's
all about the sacrifice.

Just ask The Beatles.

We failed out, which
at the time made sense

because we were gonna be rock stars.

Say what now?

[Tires screech]

And... someone stole the van.

We are not good at this.

My dad was desperate to protect Barry,

so he turned to a seasoned
athletic scrub, me.

Hey, pal. Looking spry.

It's a Power Pad.

Look at my son, the sports nut.

It's more like tap-dancing than sports.

So it's settled.

You're gonna take the pitch from Barry.

Good talking to you, pal.

Whoa! Stop!

What? I can't throw
an actual ball in public.

Come on. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime.

An opportunity of a
lifetime I don't want.

Mom, help me out!

Don't make me do this

opportunity of a lifetime, please.

So help me, if you don't take this

opportunity of a lifetime,
I will ground you.

Okay, I cannot stand by

and let this opportunity of a lifetime

tear this family apart.

Let's just give this godforsaken

opportunity of a lifetime back.

You can't just give it back.

It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

Opportunity of a
lifetime? I'm intrigued.

Great.

Al will throw out the first
pitch at the Phillies' game.

Oh, God, no.

What kind of a ferkokte
opportunity is this?

Barry, you like baseball.

Have I got an opportunity
of a lifetime for you.

Are you trying to give away
my opportunity of a lifetime?

Come on, Bar.

We both know all that
stuff was just talk.

But I promised I'd make you proud.

I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Too late.

[Playing music]

You know, even though we totally bombed

and threw away our futures
and have no money to get home,

these past few days
have been the most fun

that I've had since going to college.

It really was like the old days, huh?

Totally... if I were there.

Oh. Oh, I'm not...

No, you are. I mean, we are.

Be generous if you like what you hear.

♪ b*at was going strong,
playing my favorite song ♪

What are you doing?

Getting us home.

♪ I could tell it wouldn't be long ♪

♪ Till he was with me, yeah, me ♪

♪ Singing I love rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby ♪

♪ I love rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ So come and take your
time and dance with me ♪

[Music played]

What are you doing?

Just getting rid of this old junk.

Old junk? The Philly Phanatic?

You used to take this
with you everywhere.

I was a dumb kid back then.

You do realize that if
you throw out the pitch,

you'll meet this goofy
green bastard in person.

Come on, we all saw what happens

when I try to throw the heat.

Look, it's my fault.

This whole baseball
thing made me feel like

a kid again and...

[Sighs] It was... It was great.

I was living through my
boy, but I took it too far.

Oh, hey. I was just walking by.

Whatcha guys talking about?

How Dad believed in me too much

and you didn't believe in me at all.

Well, that was a
shocking change of pace,

and I'm sorry.

But the truth is, it doesn't matter

how we feel about the pitch.

What matters is that you go for it.

Just toss the ball around and have fun.

Now that I can do.

Turns out, that pitch was
the opportunity of a lifetime.

It wouldn't make Barry a Philly,

but it did get him playing
catch with my dad again.

♪ I love rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby ♪

♪ I love rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ So come on, take the
time and dance with me ♪

I'm gonna make you proud, Dad.

You already have.

Sure, I had one of those dads

who wasn't much of a dreamer,
but thanks to my brother,

for one night, he got to be.

There it is. He lobbed
it right in there.

He was so good! Oh, he's a natural!

He didn't even throw from the mound.

They're gonna sign him!

They're gonna sign my baby!

Just let her have this.

- He's a pro all right!
- Yes!

♪ So come on, take your
time and dance with me ♪

Wow, this seems like
more than enough money

for you to get back to school.

Oh, I'm not going back.

This right here? This
is what I want to do.

Well, you're not doing it alone.

Screw it! I'm in!

Ahh!

♪ I love rock 'n' roll ♪

It was official.

Erica was dropping out

to chase her rock-'n'-roll fantasies.

That's the thing
about dreaming big...

If you believe just enough,
you can make anything a reality.

Throwing out a ceremonial first ball

is Barry Goldberg.

Can you imagine, though, growing up here

and you get to throw out a
first pitch? No question.

From the Philadelphia
Phillies, Michael Schmidt!

You're throwing out a first pitch

to the greatest Philly
that ever lived.

I think the greatest thing
about that first pitch

is Barry saying, "That's Mike Schmidt."

[Laughter]

I tell you what, give him credit, too.