05x22 - Let's Val Kilmer This Car

[bunniefuu]

Ahh, the school prank.

Back in the day, it was a
pure and simple art form.

You didn't care about posting
some video to go viral.

No. You'd pull a prank to become legend.

Yes!
- Seniors rule!

In my school, the ' s was the
pinnacle of the pranking era,

and our success was
measured by one thing,

how much it pissed off our principal.

Oh, no.

Darn seniors!

I'm going down. [Thud]

Naturally, no one loved a good prank

more than my brother, Barry.

Good fountain.

Trusted posse of Jenkintown.

TPOJ!

I think we can all agree

our senior year's been a
complete and utter bust.

I actually had a real nice year.

I aced AP Bio,

and I really got to know
my pen pal, Yoshi Takanabu.

And I reconnected with
my grandma, Naked Nana.

And even though Erica's at college,

our love has never
been more rock-solid.

And I'm just happy to be included.

Ugh. Well, my whole school
year's been a complete dook fest

'cause my one true
love, Lainey, left me,

and no one in this
hellhole even noticed me.

Hey, Barry. Everything cool?

I'm talking to some
friends, Jamie Weisman.

So rude.

- Unreal.
- Agree. Totally.

Is it? Lucky for me, it's prank week.

With my evil brain smarts,

I will finally become the
school legend I am in my mind.

Couldn't help but overhear
you might be in the market

for a legendary prank.

What's it to you, douche box?

It just so happens I have
the single best resource

for school prankery
the world has ever seen.

"Real Genius".

A filmic ode to shenanigans

where brilliant dreamboat Val Kilmer

pulls a series of the
most epic pranks ever seen.

He is a dreamboat,
which is why I'm listening.

Here's a good one.

You take apart a car

and put it back together in a tiny room.

Unimpressive. Next.

You ice the hallways so the whole school

becomes a giant skating rink.

Too easy. Next!

Then go for the ultimate prank

and fire a NASA laser
beam at a -ton Jiffy Pop,

causing a popcorn avalanche.

No! The good news is your lame ideas

have given me an incredible one.

- Mother!
- What is it, boopie?

I'm in need of your sewing skills.

On it. What for?

Something so brilliant, so elaborate,

that the school will never be the same.

[Chuckles evilly]

Ha! You got khaki pants! Khak att*ck!

You like pranks, huh? Up here.

Honestly, I don't even understand

what's comical about this.

Goldberg does it again! Give me some.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was May , -something,

and Erica had officially
dropped out of college.

But for my mom, she was just
happy to have her baby home.

In honor of my
schmoopie-poop's arrival home

and back into my loving arms,

I present the most tender
brisket ever brisketed.

How can you brisket at a time like this?

Dad's about to come
home and lose his mind

when he hears I dropped out.

That's the point.

I know exactly how
to butter up your father.

You do it with meat and actual butter.

Murray: I'm home!

I hit a lot of personal
and professional lows today,

so give me a wide berth.

Go, go, go.

Work your Mama magic. I love you.

With that, my mom lulled my dad
into a rare state of calmness.

Here you go, honey.

Little light brisket
snack to take the edge off.

You just sit there and enjoy.

Little Mani-shev to help
the meat go down nice.

There you go, my big tiger.

You just relax those
big, hardworking muscles.

Backy-scratchies for my man, hmm?

I just pressed these nails on fresh.

Is he lulled yet?

- No!
- What is the girl-moron doing here?

This better not be about
dropping out, so help me.

Yep, few things were
as important to my dad

as a college education.

You're not skipping out on college.

You're studying and
going to a good school.

Your whole damn future depends on it!

Here's a plan: college!

- College.
- College.

- College.
- College.

Don't think of it as dropping out.

Think of it as me
transferring to your house.

This school rejects your application.

You go now.

He doesn't mean it, love bug.

It's the Manischevitz talking.

Damn right I mean it!

What makes her think she
can move back in here,

eat our food, sit on our furniture

like she's one of our children.

She is one of our children, Murray.

Fine, the dummy can
stay as long as she pays

for food and rent like a normal person.

I'm putting my foot down on this.

Come on! This is my home!

You can't make me pay
for goods and services.

Plus rent. The foot has spoken.

[Music played]

So, like, when exactly

do you tell your dad
I'm living here, too?

Yeah, he didn't take my news so well,

so I was thinking that we never tell him

and I sneak you snacks
like a pet turtle.

This is a nightmare,

but I have no options, so I am a turtle.

Hey! What are you guys
doing in my fart chamber?

This is my room, and we left
college to start our band.

- Also, what?
- Wait.

Does this mean Lainey's back

and she threw away her future, too?

My God, is Lainey all you care about?

Yes!

Other than losing my fart chamber,

things are finally going my way!

We should air this place out.

And so Barry raced off to
win back the love of his life

in the most mature, subtle way possible.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

Good to see you, too, Mr. Lewis.

I hear Lainey dropped out of college.

Horrible timing, Barry!

First you drop out and break my heart,

and now you bring
this back into my life?

Dark cloud, silver lining... I hear ya.

Anyhoo, I'm here to ask
your daughter to prom

'cause she just dropped
out of college and all.

Please stop reminding him
that I dropped out of college!

Is all of this just to hurt me?

- Is that what this is?
- Dad, go feed the fish.

So good to see his ol' mug again.

Barry, my life is in utter chaos,

and you're here for some dumb prom?

And possibly marriage...
just floating that out there.

- Is that a yes to both?
- It's a no!

Everything's a mess right now.

I'm not even sure my dad
will let me stay here.

So, you really don't
wanna go to prom with me

or elope to Kokomo?

I don't have time to deal
with this high-school drama.

If you need a date so
bad, just go with that girl

that always says "hey" in the hall.

I don't want to go with Jamie Weisman!

She was just a stall
until you came back.

My life is stalling!

I was gonna do amazing things

like take a pottery
class or talk to that lady

that hoses down the trucks at work.

No one says you can't talk
to the hose woman, Dad!

Keep feeding the fish. I'm sorry, Bar.

I just can't deal with us right now.

Take your time. But before I go,

tell me once and for all if
you're gonna be my forever lady.

- I'll field this one.
- Tell me.

There we go. While Barry's
romantic plan bit the dust,

Erica was learning what it
meant to be a starving artist.

Whatcha working on there?
Black n' white cookie?

- Looks fresh.
- Help yourself.

I-I got a dozen.

Hold on!

No Black n' white cookies
unless you pay for it.

I bet that chews up real nice.

This is hard to watch.

I think it's delightful.

Pet-store janitor, gas-station
attendant, fish scaler?

Yep, back before you could
post a resume on LinkedIn,

the only way to find a job

was in this crazy thing
called a newspaper.

This one says "Wanted: Lady".

You don't wanna call that number.

I know!

This whole situation is poop.

There is no world
where I am gonna sit by

and watch my baby become a fish monger

or take a job as a lady.

Bevy, she's been at it for two days.

Erica will find her way.

Or even better, I find her way for her.

Don't do that. Murray put his foot down.

Which was great, and now it's my job

to ever so gently lift it up.

Nothing about Murray
can be lifted gently.

Believe me, Dad, I can be
very subtle when I need to be.

Earl. This will not be
subtle, you're helping me.

Wait, what's happening?

You haven't stormed in here
demanding unreasonable treatment

for your children all year.

I've been in a Bevolution,

trying to figure out
a life without my kids.

Please, keep doing that and go.

Forget the Bevolution.

I'm here to make you hire Erica's band

to play the prom.

You want to pay me to pay
your daughter with your money?

Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

I've missed us, you know?

As my mom pulled some strings
to boost Erica's confidence,

Barry's prom plans had
completely unraveled.

It makes no sense.

What -year-old college dropout

doesn't want to go back
to her high-school prom?

Why don't you just tag
along with me and Andy?

Yeah, it's our second year
going stag as a couple.

No. I'm not gonna be the
third wheel on your stag date.

Either I go with Lainey,
or I don't go at all.

So, you're not going?

If don't go, I'll forever ruin my rep

as one of Jenkintown's
top five party people.

So, you are going?

Without Lainey, never!

So, you're not going?

And be forever known
as a prom-less loser?

So, you're both going and not going?

Gah!

Stop asking dumb questions

and provide a solution for once!

[Crickets chirping]

But instead of answers,
all Barry got was crickets.

Literally. [Chirping continues]

As you all are now painfully aware,

Mr. Atkins has released a
duffel bag full of live crickets

throughout the school.

I am a legend! [Cheers and applause]

No! No! No!

No!

Hear this now.

The next person to do a senior
prank will be banned from prom.

[All gasp]

In that moment, Barry
saw the perfect way

to avoid prom altogether.

No one would call him a dateless loser.

They'd call him a pranking legend.

- Hey, my thing!
- Forget your thing!

This is important.

You know that movie I introduced you to

- when you told me about it?
- You mean "Real Genius"?

The movie on my shirt and poster?

I think it's time we take a
page from their prank book,

but I can't do it without your help.

Yes! I'm essential now!

Thank you for the
opportunity to live my dream.

You don't know how much this means.

Bar, wait up!

Behold, our principal's
prized Suzuki Samurai!

Over the next to minutes,

we shall take it apart piece by piece,

then quickly reassemble
it in his office.

Dude, we can't just take a car apart.

It's not made of Legos.

Which is why I brought
this Allen wrench.

Time to become a legend.

As much as I loved "Real Genius",

my brother was not one.

Erica had been a college
dropout for a whole week,

and nothing was going her way.

That is, until my mom stepped in.

Holy crap and hell yes! We'll be there!

That was Principal Earl J. Ball

- offering me a job playing prom.
- Yay!

When I said, "Get a job,"
I meant get a real job.

He's paying me $ , .
Real enough, old man?

Actually, none of this seems real.

You know, this is a
classic rock 'n' roll tale.

Drop out of college, start a band,

and immediately get
paid too much for a gig

you didn't even look for.

Oh, I can't believe my
angel got her first job.

Oh-ho-ho, I love you so much.

Thank you so much for believing in me.

And thank you for this cookie
because I just got paid.

We got paid! Deal with it!

- Who the hell is this?
- I'm in her band

and also live here now,
so start a tab for me, too.

Take it all. You deserve it.

[Clatter] Oh, Murray,

my baby and her strange-sounding
friend really did it.

They went out and got a job.

You did this.
Why did you go behind my back?

I put my foot down!

Erica doesn't need your foot, Murray.

She needs loving mama arms to
hold her in her time of need.

You can't ignore the foot.

If the foot has no power,
the whole system breaks down.

I'm sorry I went behind
your back and foot, okay?

But trust me.

Getting Erica this job is gonna give her

the boost of confidence she needs.

Gonna hit the mall and buy some
new sexy boots to wear on stage.

Rock 'n' roll. So easy.

See? She's...

Very confident. I did that.

As my mom foolishly filled
Erica with confidence,

one could say Barry's big prank
didn't fully come together.

You've done it now, people!

Until the perp is
caught or comes forward,

prom is canceled.

[All gasp]

What? No. Don't let
one horrible human being

- ruin it for all of us!
- Yeah! I'm so angry at your

- harmless prank gone wrong.
- Me as well!

Yeah, I've been doing this a long time.

And it's safe to say this is the work

of a true monster
who belongs behind bars.

Whoever did this, turn yourself in!

Yeah, you big prom-ruining jerk.

We're now going to run
away to find some clues.

- Bye.
- We looked for nothing.

Instead, we stupidly got
ready for a life on the lam.

Lainey, we got to talk.

Thank God you came back. I have so much

- awesome stuff to tell you.
- No time!

I'm here to tell you how I really feel

just in case I never see you again.

There's the big man!

Hey, get in here.

Let's flex those huggin' muscles.

[Laughs]

What's happening?

Why is everyone suddenly
so happy to see me?

Things have really
turned around over here.

I spoke to the hose lady.

She is not interested, but
at least I have closure.

We got our first gig.
That's why I wanted to talk.

I'm sorry I was putting
all my stress on you.

No! You were right!

I'm not the same naive boy who
knocked on your door yesterday.

I'm a hardened man, with
real grown-up problems.

I mean, they canceled
prom, and I don't even care.

- What?!
- Prom was canceled?!

- Oh, no!
- What?

- What'd I say?
- That's my gig!

We were getting paid a
thousand bucks for it!

I didn't know you were getting
wildly overpaid to play prom.

- No one told me.
- Prom was the only glimmer of hope I had.

We have no glimmer.
We've lost our glimmer.

- Oh, no!
- Thanks for nothing.

That day, the news about
prom traveled like lightning,

but my sister
would be struck the hardest.

Hey, Mom, what do you
think about these bad boys?

Gotta spend money
to make money, am I right?

Um, baby, sit down. I've
got some bad news about prom.

As much as it hurt,

my mom had to tell the truth
and break her baby's heart.

It was canceled. No prom.

So, no gig.

Eh, another school will hire us.

Um...

those calls might not come
in as easily as you think.

See, I might have paid
Principal Ball to hire you.

I'm so sorry.

- Sorry? This is sweet.
- What?

All you gotta do is pay
another school to hire me.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- You're right.

Let's just cut out the middle man.

Just pay me directly.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see how that would be easier

than accepting every
single adult responsibility.

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Anyway, I'm gonna go
take a nap in the bath.

Or instead of napping,
you could open a newspaper

and see if there's
anything there for you.

Why would I want help?
I got you, silly Mom.

No, I'm putting my foot down!

I love you so much,
but I will throw your [bleep]

right out onto our suburban street.

Um, isn't that Dad's thing?

I've got a foot, too, Missy!

Homegirl's gonna find out what
it means to work for a living.

So, you better get
ready to sew some buttons

and hot-tar some roofs
and tend to them chickens!

What era do you have me working in?

What's with all the yelling?

Mom put her foot down.

- Really?
- And that's not all!

I want the boots.

But I earned these
boots with my potential!

You can go barefoot until you learn

how to make an honest paycheck.

So I'm gonna take all your
shoes, all your clothes,

your pillows, and your vitamins!

Okay, she's new at this,

so it's not making sense, but you get it.

I am so angry, and I can't stop yelling!

[Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]

Barry knew it was up to him

to make Lainey happy, even
if it meant going to jail.

- It was me.
- I'm sorry?

No, I am.

In a childish effort to avoid
prom, I Val Kilmered your car.

I see. Well...

Quite a surprise and disappointment.

- We're good here.
- What?

Don't you have to call the police?

- Do I?
- Do I?

'Cause that'd be a
hard phone call to make.

Mr. Goldberg, look out the
window and tell me what you see.

A fly-ass T-top Pontiac Fiero?

And do you have any idea
who that car belongs to?

That awesome dude Randy
who always wears the

- flip-up sunglasses?
- No.

That cool sub who's always

- teaching with rap lyrics?
- No.

- Charles Barkley?
- No.

Power couple Burt
Reynolds and Loni Anderson?

- No.
- The lead singer of UB ?

- No.
- The cast of "Benson"?

- No.
- Bo Jackson's cousin Todd, Todd Jackson?

- No.
- Jermaine Jackson?

- No.
- Bo knows Todd.

No, me! Me, me! It's my car!

And you know how I got it?

Because the old aluminum
can I was driving

was vandalized by a "criminal"

and insurance paid for the
Fiero, no questions asked.

- But, I don't...
- No questions asked. No questions asked.

- I don't, The...
- No questions. Zip. Zip!

- Eh...
- Zip!

So, does this mean prom is back on?

For everyone but you.
Consider it your punishment.

But also, thank you for the boss new ride.

[Laughing]

Good news, Quakers. Prom is back on.

[Cheering] [Boston's
"More Than a Feeling" plays]

That day, my brother really was a hero,

even though no one would ever know it.

Guys, this is bad.

My mom put her foot down, which means

- I gotta move in with Lainey.
- No.

My dad kicked me out. I
came here to live with you.

How did we blow this so bad?

Hey, guess what. Prom's back on.

- What?
- How is that even possible?

You didn't hear it from me,

but Barry took the fall
so you could play prom.

Why would he do that for me?

'Cause the people who
care about you most...

would do anything to make you happy.

That's the crazy thing about life.

Just when you're at your
lowest and think that things

can't get any worse, the
people who truly love you

find a way to get you back on top.

I took away her vitamins.

Her Flintstones Chewables.

Now she's a teeny-tiny bit
less nourished because of me.

Okay, I think you've had enough.

Hey. I have some good
news. Prom's back on again.

- God, no.
- No, no.

This time we're just getting paid $ ,

but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Can't buy a lot of Black
n' white cookies for that.

That's why tomorrow I'm
gonna find a real job

and pay you rent.

And I never said this,

but thank you for getting
us our first paid gig.

Oh, don't thank me.

Not after I tried to take
your boots and bedding.

No, I deserved it. It's just...

all your support and hugs
and love made me feel so safe.

Too safe.

♪ So many people
have come and gone ♪

I just wanted to hide out
here with people who love me.

♪ Their faces fade
as the years go by ♪

But I can't do that anymore.

♪ Yet I still recall
as I wander on ♪

No matter what happens,

this house will always
be a safe place for you.

You mean it?

I do.

I'm putting my foot down.

Truth is, when you're surrounded

by your family and friends,

it's much easier to face the music.

♪ It's more than a feeling ♪

♪ When I hear that old
song they used to play ♪

That's my prom date! I swear!

♪ And I begin dreaming ♪

♪ Till I see Marianne walk away ♪

Ohh. Look at her, Mur.

She's so grown up.

God, everything's changed.

Or not.

We still got three kids in the house.

For now. But I'll take it.

There's nothing scarier than growing up,

not just for us kids,
for our parents, too.

But no matter how old you are,

what gets you through is
knowing that you're not alone.

Hey.

Hey.

How did you know I was here?

C'mon. This is where
you spent all your dances

before we got together.

Wish I could be there
for your first gig.

I know. And I wish I
could be your prom date.

- But you said that...
- I know what I said.

One dance. Better make it fast.

Erica needs me.

♪ Their faces fade
as the years go by ♪

Did you ever think we'd
come back here again?

I really didn't.

But I'm really happy we did.

Happy enough to marry me?

This is for you, girl. I "pick" you.

For sure.

Is that a "yes"?

You never say yes.

I'm saying it this time.

Yes. I'll marry you, you big dummy.

I'm a high-school senior who's
gonna marry a college dropout!

This year turned out awesome!

♪ More than a feeling, till
I see Marianne walk away ♪

We're getting married!

Whoo!

♪

Did he just say that...

Tomorrow's problem.

When I look back, it really was a year

filled with so many changes.

There was the Bevolution,

my sister defied my dad

to follow her rock 'n' roll dreams...

of course, Barry's misguided engagement

the day Lainey came back.

Sure, all those details from
-something fade over time,

but the love my family shares was real

and would last forever.

And the crazy thing is,

the biggest changes were yet to come.

_

I look like Babs?

Total Streisand.

Welcome to the battle of the JTPs!

- Eight ball, corner pocket.
- Eight ball, corner pocket.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

- [Ding!] Hey, boopie. It's Mama.
- _

[Ding!] Adam, this is
the third time I've called.

[Beeping] Please pick up the phone.

If I don't hear from you soon,
I'm getting on the next plane.

Call me!

[Crickets chirping]

Hey, Ball.

Sounds like you didn't
quite get all them crickets.

Ha, you tried to fix it,

but you didn't, which is hilarious.

Enjoy yourself, kids.

After today, prank
week is officially over.

Gotta admit, Atkins, that
cricket prank was pretty good.

Face it, Goldberg, I'm a legend.

Well, let's not get carried away, hmm?

Oh, sweet God! Not the Fiero!