03x13 - The Wicked Stepbrother (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low in my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Great news! I have just
gotten tickets--

thank you--
to the Dodgers-Mets playoffs.

Unfortunately, Mr. Belding
doesn't consider baseball

a reason for missing school.
How un-American!

So I have to invent
a really good excuse.

All right, guys, I got one.

- I'll say that my house b*rned down.
- He'll never believe you.

You still have your eyebrows!

I got it.
I'll say I have measles

That's no good.
He might spot check you.

Okay, this one's a sure-fire.
Can't lose.

- I'll say my grandmother d*ed.
- Come on, Preppie,

your grandmother d*ed
four times last year.

d*ed four times?

It's so sad what that
poor woman's gone through.

I think you have have your head
checked for bumps.

Why?
All five are here.

Anyway, I've got
to think of something.

I'm not going to let school
stop me from going to the game.

- Tell us all about your mom's wedding!
- Will you give her a chance?

She just got off the plane!
So how was it?

It was beautiful.
I cried all through the ceremony.

Why did you cry?
Didn't you like the guy she married?

Of course, I like him.
People cry when they're happy.

Screech, your parents must
have laughed when they saw you.

Who told you?!

Hey, Jessie, what's
your stepbrother like?

I don't know. He really didn't
say much at the wedding.

Kelly, you've got brothers.
Got any advice?

Yeah, don't forget to make sure
the toilet seat's down.

- Oh...
- Kelly!

Actually, she's right. Girls can
fall in if they're not careful.

Yeah, toilets should
come with seatbelts.

And your mouth should
come with an airbag.

Where is this new
stepbrother of yours anyway?

He's flying in
from New York tonight.

He wanted to spend
extra time with his friends.

- We have to make him feel welcome.
- Don't worry about it.

I'll show him the ropes
around Bayside.

- (knock on door)
- Come in!

- Hey!
- Hi!

What are you guys doing here?
I'm expecting Eric.

- We baked cookies for your brother.
- My brother. I like it. It sounds nice.

Jessie, look at all the different kinds
we baked -- chocolate praline...

awesome! Peanut butter-chocolate chip...
he's gonna love these!

A gingerbread man!
I love these!

These are for Eric!

Oh, well--

Jessie's mom:
I'm home! Jessie, we're back!

He's here.
Tell Eric to come up!

I wonder what
New York guys are like.

- Welcome to California!
- Thanks.

- I didn't know you had sisters.
- All: Sisters?

- No, these are my friends.
- Hi, I'm Kelly.

- I'm Eric.
- Hi, I'm Lisa.

I'm yours.

- We baked you some cookies.
- Really?

Yeah, try the headless
gingerbread man.

Let's dump these two
and go to the beach.

- We'll make nice in the sand.
- Maybe some other time.

- You're hot for me, aren't you?
- What?! Jessie?

I can tell by the way
that you won't let go of my hand.

- So how was your flight?
- It was great.

I locked all the bathrooms
on the 747.

Everybody jumped off the plane
before we reached the terminal.

Eric, you're in California now.

Just remember the ocean's
on the left. See ya!

I'm out of here.

- Your friend wants me.
- Oh...

well, I'm glad she made you
feel so... welcome.

Here's a little gift from me.

No, thanks.
Gray's not my color.

Yeah, you're more...
Earthy tones.

- Come on, I'll show you your room.
- This room will be great

once I get rid
of all this girl stuff.

Wait-- hold on, Eric.
This is my room.

No problem, we'll share.

- Mom!
- Mom!

Slater, I'm telling you, it's
all set. This plan can't miss.

We'll go to the game
and get excused from school.

What are you, crazy?
The Pope doesn't even know us.

Why would he invite us
to the Vatican?

Huh... maybe you're right.

I'll think of something.

I cannot believe how rude
my stepbrother acted.

Rude? That was nothing.
My brother Bennett

blew out his birthday cake
with a mouth full of Diet Coke.

- Yeah, but little kids do those things.
- Little? He was 19!

Hey, Jessie, I waited for you
this morning. Where were you?

Well, actually,
I was drying off.

I fell in the toilet.

I thought you looked
a little flushed.

Lisa: See you.

- What's up, Jess?
- So, where's Eric?

Meeting with Mr. Belding
to get his new schedule.

What a way to start
a new school.

Eric on PA: Attention, everybody.
Summer vacation's starting early.

See you in September.

Belding over PA:
Hey, get away from that intercom, Eric.

Sounds like my kind of guy.

Give me that!

Hey, sis.

Guys, this is my--

my mother's new husband's son,
my stepbrother Eric.

- Nice stunt on the PA.
- Who are you?

I'm Zack Morris. When it comes
to scams, I'm top dog.

- In my school, you'd just be a puppy.
- Oh...

- And who is this? Your trainer?
- No.

I'm Slater.
I go out with your sister.

Oh yeah, you're the yutz
she wrote about in her diary.

How dare you, Eric?
Give me that back!

- "Give me that back!"
- Exactly what did she write about me?

- Five bucks a page, Curly.
- I'm warning you.

- Give me that!
- (bell rings)

Did she write anything good
about me after the prom, Eric?

Look, because you're Jessie's brother,
I'll help you fit in.

Let me see your schedule.

All right, you've got math with me.
It's right in there.

Ooh, I'm so lucky.

- The first thing you need is books.
- That's cool, I talked some dork

- into carrying them from the bookstore.
- Is that right?

- Hi, Zack.
- Bye, Zack.

- Why are you carrying Eric's books?
- 'Cause I was the lucky 100th person

- to come to the front door.
- You're so stupid!

You're just jealous,
'cause you didn't win.

Come on, Lisa,
how about Saturday?

No, thanks.
I'm married.

- How about Sunday?
- How about never?

- Come on, give me a chance.
- Look, if you want a chance,

buy a lottery ticket.

I never thought
I'd be happy to see you.

All good things come
to those who wait, my darling.

I don't think so.

- Hi.
- (bell rings)

- Good morning, everyone.
- Class: Good morning, Mr. Sachs.

I'd like to introduce
a new student to our class...

Eric Tramer, who's joined us
all the way from New York.

- I love New York.
- So why don't you go there?

Okay, everyone, let's make Eric
really feel at home here.

- Let's mug him!
- (laughter)

Just kidding.

Before we begin
on chapter 12 today,

I have an announcement to make.

Tomorrow's the Jewish holiday
of Rosh Hashanah,

and since I'm Jewish,
I'll be home celebrating the new year.

Well, that makes tonight
New Year's Eve.

- I don't have a date!
- Those students who are Jewish,

please raise your hand
so I'll be able to tell

the substitute teacher
about your absence.

Oh good.

Wait a minute.
The Mets-Dodgers game is tomorrow.

- Since when did you become Jewish?
- When my team got into the playoffs.

- Want to come?
- I can't. I'm Presbyterian.

Mr. Morris.
I wish you a happy new year.

Shalom.

And a double shalom
to you too, sir.

Let's get started.

Here's the baseball game
I taped for you.

- Good. I can't wait to see it.
- (gasps)

Put it in.

Why do you want to watch a game
that's been over for three hours anyway?

Because I'm a Mets fan.
I want to see who won.

I watched the game before I came over.
I can tell you who won.

I can hang you upside down
out that window if you do.

You New York guys
take baseball seriously.

Do you think Jessie
will mind us being here?

We're real close --
brother and sister.

(gasps)

- What are you doing in here?
- Watching the game.

Get out.
I want to get dressed.

It's cool, we're family.

Yeah, cousin Jessie,
have some chips.

If I wasn't in this towel, I'd hang
you upside down outside that window.

Jeez, you guys
think alike already.

Commentator:
It's the top of the fifth.

Dodgers and Mets
tied one apiece.

- Strawberry steps into to face Gooden.
- Oooh--

Don't tell me.

Commentator:
Here comes the first pitch.

He fouls it off into the crowd!

Look, this is where Zack
catches a foul ball.

What?
Where is Zack?

The one with the Dodger
blue yarmulke.

That's a Dodger hat
turned around, you dweeb.

No, it's a yarmulke. He pretended
to be Jewish to get out of school.

I bet Zack could get in a lot of trouble if
Belding saw this tape.

It could probably
get him suspended.

Really?

In that case, I'll keep it so
it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

He's lucky we're
the only ones who saw him.

Wait until you see
this home run!

Oops.

Would you mind moving?
I have to get to my locker.

- It's my locker now.
- Yours is downstairs with the nerds'.

So buy yourself some
pocket protectors and get lost.

Guess what?
Thanks to your religious experience,

- I've just inherited your locker.
- You must be dreaming.

Well, actually, I did have this dream about
you cutting school

to go to "Temple Beth
Dodger Stadium."

What?

Is that the ball you caught off
"Rabbi" Strawberry's bat?

- How did you know I was there?
- I saw you attending services on TV.

- I have it on tape.
- You'd better give me that.

It's the ball, the locker, and 10
lunches in return for my silence.

- That's blackmail.
- That's right, surfer boy.

Hey, how are you
getting along, Eric?

- Is Zack helping you fit in?
- He is, Mr. Belding.

Look at this baseball he just gave me.
It's from yesterday's game.

His dad caught a foul ball.

- Zack, I am really proud of you.
- Sir, you're going to be even prouder

because I've decided
to give Eric my locker.

You know, to make him
feel right at home.

I like what I'm
seeing here, boys.

People helping people--

gosh, I'm getting chills!

I come out of the shower
and there's Eric and Screech,

sitting on my bed
watching television.

Screech was on your bed?!

- I hope you b*rned your sheets.
- Jessie, that's nothing.

Brothers and sisters
go through it all the time.

- You have to get used to it.
- I don't have to get used it.

- He's invading my house!
- Jessie, it's his house too now.

"It's his house too now."
Thanks.

Sounds like you fell
into the toilet again.

- Screech: Hi, cousin Jessie.
- Jessie: I am not your cousin!

Hey, we still on
for tonight, Mama?

Yes, please come over and protect me
from my wicked stepbrother.

Lisa and Jessie: Argh!

Zack, I can't believe the kid actually
conned you out of your own locker.

Yeah, Zack's moved in
with the nerds.

They broke out a case of Ovaltine
to welcome him to the neighborhood!

It's no big deal. I'm just being nice
because he's Jessie's brother.

Slater: Yeah, okay.

And Eric's being nice by not showing
Belding the tape of the Dodger game.

How do you know about the tape?

I taped the game for him.

You?!

You taped it?!
I'm going to k*ll you!

Zack, remember your roots.
Shalom means peace.

You didn't need help
in algebra, Jessie.

- You got this down cold.
- I know,

but I wanted you to keep
that teenage t*rror1st away from me.

You're exaggerating.
He's a harmless kid.

That's what they said
about little Freddy Krueger.

All right, well,
I've got to get going, but...

I'll see you tomorrow, honey.
Don't worry about it.

You'll be fine.

- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm moving in. It's my room now.

- Oh yeah, says who?
- Says this.

- Listen.
- (tape rewinds)

Slater's voice:
Come on, baby, I'm trying to study.

Why don't you stay
away from my neck?

Jessie's voice:
I can't help it.

- I need to be close to you tonight.
- (recording stops)

- As you know, it gets better.
- Give me that tape!

Sure. The tape for the room.

- That's blackmail!
- Bingo! That's my specialty.

The room, or I play this on the PA
tomorrow morning at school.

Okay, I'll sleep in the other room,
but just for tonight.

Tomorrow, you're gonna
be in deep trouble.

All right,
now give me that tape!

Okay, you can have the tape.

Your little tricks might work
in New York, but they don't work here.

That's what you think.
I've got 20 copies of that tape.

If you mess with me,
they'll be all over school.

You would embarrass your own sister
in front of the whole school?

In a second.
Now look, Slater,

I'm working on a big date
this weekend,

- and I hear you have a pretty hot car.
- Yeah, so?

So, you lend me your car,
I'll give you the tapes.

- Did you set him straight?
- Well...

Car for tapes.

Yeah, Mama, I got it covered.

Look, here's the tape.

Well, I hope
you learned your lesson.

Oh I did.
Didn't I, Slater?

Oh yeah, right.
Sure.

You bet.

Do me a favor, Slater.

Wash and gas the car
before Saturday night.

Let me guess.
You're either k*lling a fly,

or Jessie's harmless little brother
is making a fool of you.

I'm going to k*ll that kid, Zack.

Can you believe he wants me
to lend him my car?

What's wrong with you guys?

You're not even giving
this guy a chance.

He's new at school,
he has no friends,

he's in love with Lisa
and she won't even talk to him.

I'm ashamed of you.
(scoffs)

Slater, you are just the man
I've been looking for.

I am?
Should I be nervous?

No, I want to show you guys what
I bought Mrs. Belding for her birthday.

- Now is not a really good time.
- No.

Come with me, I've got to show you.
You're going to love this!

Belding:
Wait till you guys see this.

- Isn't it great? Isn't it hot?
- Isn't it expensive?

Yeah, but you should have
seen me with the salesman.

I talked him out
of a free key chain.

You drive a hard bargain, sir.

It would have been better
if I spoke Japanese.

- That's great. Sayonara, sir.
- No, wait a minute, Slater.

I bought a new CD player
to go along with the surprise,

and I want to hire you
to install it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Belding, but I don't
have time to do that today, sir.

There's no hurry.
I'll be away all weekend,

and Mrs. Belding's birthday
is not till next week.

- Mr. B--
- Time out.

Mr. Belding wants to leave us
his car for the weekend?

We'll take Eric for a ride
in more ways than one.

Time in. Sir, Slater will be glad
to put in the CD for you.

- Great!
- What are you talking about?

Lisa, we've been friends
for a long time.

I am not a piece of toast,
so why are you buttering me up?

How would you like
front-row tickets

- to the MC Hammer concert?
- You've got MC Hammer tickets?

- I'd do anything for those!
- Anything?

- Anything. Who do you want me to k*ll?
- No one. I want you

to go out with Jessie's lonely,
misunderstood charming brother Eric.

I'd rather shave my head
and wear polyester.

Look, just one date
this weekend,

and the MC Hammer
tickets are yours.

Huh? Huh?

Why is this so important to you?

Eric is blackmailing me
because I cut school

on a Jewish holiday
to go to the Dodger game.

Zack, you are meshugina.

Please, if he asks you out,
just say yes.

- Do I have to?
- No.

But if you don't...
"can't touch" these.

All right, bring on the worm
from the Big Apple.

Zack: All right!

I have had it with Eric.
He's driving me crazy!

He took my TV,
my blow-dryer and my room!

- I am in crisis.
- Lisa.

How about going to the movies
with me tomorrow night?

- Leave my friend alone.
- I'd love to go with you.

She said she doesn't want
to go out with you, so get lost!

- Pick me up at 7:00?
- Great.

So find someone else!

Jessie, let's go
to the Lost and Found.

- Why?
- Because you've lost it.

- Hot car, Slater.
- I know.

Look, here are the keys.

Don't forget to meet me here
at no later than 11:00.

Why can't I bring the car
back to your house?

His father will k*ll him
if he sees you driving it.

- That's cool.
- After he kills me, he'll k*ll you.

- Bummer.
- Eric better enjoy his ride,

because he's about
to become history.

Have a good time.

Oh, and don't forget
to buckle up.

(engine starts)

It was really romantic.
I've never seen "Casablanca" before.

- It was great.
- I go to classic movies all the time.

They're much better
than the ones today.

Hey, do the thing where Bogart's
walking down the runway into the fog.

"Louie, this could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship."

- That's it!
- There was a line

- they cut out after that.
- Really? What was it?

"Louie, I want you to wear
my class ring."

(laughs)
Okay.

You know, you're...

you're different
than what I thought.

- What did you think?
- After the way you came on to me,

I called "America's Most Wanted"
and gave them your description.

You know, you made me nervous.
I never met anyone like you.

I thought I had to come on
strong, impress you.

You didn't impress me.

Even Screech was
looking better than you.

I don't know why you decided
to go out with me tonight,

but thanks. Tonight's the first night
I haven't missed New York.

Well, the reason isn't important.

- I've had a good time.
- You make me feel good.

You're easy to talk to.

That's nice, Eric.

Screech:
Zack, why do I have to do this?

Zack:
'Cause it's your camera.

Slater:
Besides, we're bigger than you.

I don't want
to hide in the bushes.

There's a gopher trying
to burrow into my underwear.

What?!

Would you just be quiet?
This is important.

- I don't like this.
- We'll be hiding right over there.

All you have to do is get a picture
of Eric driving Mrs. Belding's new car.

Eric will be happy to trade
the pictures for the tapes.

Right. Do you have the film?
You have the batteries?

What do you take me for?
Some kind of idiot?

Are you sure your friend
doesn't mind me driving his car?

Relax. Don't worry. What could
happen in an empty parking lot?

Except for me
kissing you goodnight.

That wouldn't be so bad.

Now, Screech, now!

- (Lisa screams)
- (bangs, glass shatters)

Oops, we're in big trouble.

(instrumental theme music plays)