02x10 - New Kids in the House

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Tommy, can you believe your mom
is years old today?

I know. I don't look a day over .

Don't give me that look,
just go with it.

Oh, I told you all to ignore my...

[all shout] Get out!

I like carrot cake.

[all, louder] Get out!

Out.

I thought we agreed
to no party this year.

Well, you agreed. Not us.

What? You nodded when I said it.

I have a medical condition.

Nodding neck syndrome.

Look, we found your secret dream board

of things you wanna do
before you turn .

Hey, that was hidden under my bed.

If you wanted to keep it a secret,

you shouldn't have said
where it was in your diary.

You read my diary?

It helps me sleep.

So, these are your dreams.

Skydiving.

Oh, please.

I'm gonna do it!

As soon as I get over
my fear of heights.

And planes.

And a man attached to my back.

Coffee with Ryan Gosling.

It could happen.

I wouldn't mind Ryan Gosling
attached to my back.

But number one
on the DJ Tanner dream board:

front row seats
to New Kids on the Block.

Well of course.
I mean, I'm their biggest Blockhead.

What are these?

Three front row seats for tonight!

[screams]

Oh, Mylanta!

Oh, Mylanta!

Oh, Mylanta!

Wow, a triple Mylanta?

I haven't heard one of those
since your wedding night.

How did you get these?

Now, I don't want you to think
about how much they cost.

Let's just say my kidney
is no longer my own.

Oh, you guys are the best!

We love you. You've been
my best friend since I was five.

Yeah, and you've been
my best friend since I was born.

Aww, it's hugging time!

Oh, I have to go pick out
my outfit for tonight.

[all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

I feel like a teenager again.

Except when my knees
click on the stairs.

Let me see.

Uh... Kimmy?

These tickets look funny.

And why do they say
"New Kids on the Clock"?

I'm sure that's just a misprint.

Where did you get these?

I found a guy online.

These tickets are counterfeit.

What?

Are you kidding me?

[groans]

That's the last time I trust a guy
whose office is a gas station bathroom.

Man, what are we gonna do?

I guess we have to tell DJ the truth.

I love you guys so much.
Best birthday ever!

Well, what else you got?

How are we gonna fit
candles on one cupcake?

- We're not.
- But that's how old she is.

You know nothing about women.

[Spanish accent] This is so exciting!

[speaking Spanish]

Not to boast,
but my birthday present to DJ

is going to make your gifts
look like chopped liver.

[shouts] Stephanie?

Kimmy.

So? Did you find three more tickets?

Better.

I got us a meeting
with New Kids on the Block.

Are you sure you don't just mean
New Kids on the Clock?

Anyway, I'm gonna ask them
for front row tickets.

Because I'm president of the Blockheads
For New Kids Fan Club International.

- You just made that up.
- They don't know that. Shh.

Can I help you?

Yes, we have a meeting with the band.

What kind of meeting starts
at a red light in the middle of traffic?

I asked the very same question.

No, uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no... Out!

- Back, back...
- Scoot over? Just a little bit.

- I'm calling the police right now.
- Not on this phone.

Fetch.

Oh! If you've cracked my screen,
you're in real trouble.

Kimmy...

Locking the doors.

This is going way better than I thought!

Get ready, Steph,
it's about to get weird.

About to?

Are you decent, boys? I hope not.

[gasps]

[screams] It's New Kids on the Block!

[continues to scream]

Hi, guys, you don't know me, but I'm...

[all] Kimmy Gibbler.

Wait, how do you know her?

Well, I may have followed
the band on tour now and again.

She got caught stealing
some of our laundry from a hotel room.

I wasn't stealing your laundry,
I was fluffing it. And folding it.

And wearing it.

Hey, where's Donnie?

He's solving a m*rder.

On Blue Bloods. Friday.

CBS. Ten, nine Central.

- Anyway, I need a teeny tiny favor...
- She's coming in! Close the divider!

- Wait...
- OK, go, sorry...

- Ooh...
- Agh...

How rude!

Uh...

Is there any way
we could possibly please get

three front row tickets for tonight?

Did I mention I'm president

of the Blockheads for New Kids
Fan Club International?

That doesn't exist.

You don't know that.

Sorry, girls,
the show is completely sold out.

[strangled] Well, we tried.
Now, can you please release my head?

Hold on.

Uh, how about this?
Your sound check isn't until five,

so would you guys mind
swinging by our house

and singing "Happy Birthday"
to your biggest fan?

We really don't swing by houses
on the way to shows.

We don't do that.

[stammers] Please. Please.

If you do us this one favor,

I swear Kimmy Gibbler will never
bother you or your underwear again.

New Kids huddle.

[indistinct chatting]

[both whispering]

All right. We're in.

But only because she's crazy.

Crazy for you, Joey McIntyre,

social security number - - .

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

[both sigh]

- I can't believe they went for that.
- I can. Jordan has a thing for me.

Uh... No, I don't.

Gotta wrap Mom's jewelry box.

Where's the key?

I hid it some place fun.

I got the idea from a Hallmark movie

starring Dean Cain
and the delightful Lori Loughlin.

I saw that!

Dean hid a diamond ring in a glass of
champagne and when Lori found it, she...

[voice cracks] She cried.

So did I.

[sadly] It was her last chance for love.

And she found it.

[both cry]

[doorbell]

[all shout] It's always open!

Man, DJ is gonna love my gift.

She is gonna go nuts!

What did you get her?

Oh, an old pillow I found on eBay.

[laughs]

Oh, you're serious.

Hi, guys!

- Happy birthday!
- Hey, happy birthday!

- Look at you.
- Thank you for coming!

Are you kidding?
There's no way on Earth we'd miss...

your big day.

- Oh, presents!
- I know you're gonna love mine.

And I really hope you're gonna...

like mine too!

Hey, Mom, ready for your surprise party.

So act surprised.

I can do that.

[all shout] Surprise!

[shouts] What? I had no idea!

Aww! You guys are so sneaky.
You really got me this time.

I almost had a heart att*ck.

Mom, don't overdo it.

Gentlemen, I'm obliged to tell you

that your gifts
will pale in comparison to mine.

- You don't even know what our gifts are.
- Yours are little, mine is big.

Size matters.

- [all] ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
- No, wait, stop. We can't sing yet.

- Why not?
- Well, you never know who might show up.

Now blow out your candle.

[all cheer]

- Open this present first.
- Mmm.

It's from me, Max, Ramona and Tommy.

Although Tommy "forgot" to chip in.

Oh,

it's a beautiful jewelry box.

Oh, where's the key?

Ah... where indeed?

You'll have to find it.

OK, my turn. Here you go, sweetheart.

Oh...

Oh!

Wow! Two tennis rackets!

Aww, thank you, honey.

And one of them's for me.

Well, then, happy birthday to both of us.

Oh, uh, this one's from me.

[gasps]

[screams]

It's a pillow person!

Wow, that's creepy.

No, it's not creepy.
I had one just like this growing up.

Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I remember you were so sad when
you lost yours at summer camp, so...

I cried for two weeks,

but now I have another one!

Oh, Steve, you know me so well.

Wow, Steve, you really hit a home run.

Well, you know, we go way back, so...

Enough pillow talk, I'm about to explode.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the gift you've all been waiting for.

- Don't I get to unwrap...
- Ah-ah-ah...

Oh, OK.

Guess not.

The greatest gift ever given.

Well... thank you.

But... why?

Because I won't be living here forever,
and now, in a way, I will be.

You should hang it over the fireplace.

Better yet, in the fireplace.

Here's a cupcake, Mom.

- It's, uh, carrot cake, your favorite.
- Aww.

[doorbell rings]

Oh! We'll get that.

Boy, they are sure excited
about a doorbell.

[cracking]

[shouts] Ow!

[gasps] You've found the key!

Are you gonna cry like Lori Loughlin did
in the Hallmark movie?

I think I'm gonna cry
because I've cracked my crown.

[gasps] Oh, this hurts so much.

Are you OK?

No, that's what
"Oh, this hurts so much" means.

I gotta go to my dentist.

I'll drive you, honey,
we'll call on the way.

I'm sorry, Mom.

It's OK, sweetie, do not worry about it.

I just... I just wanna get back
in time for the New Kids concert.

[gasps] Ow.

So we're done talking about my gift?

[Stephanie shouts]
Hey, everybody, get in here!

Happy birthday!

[screams]
OMG, it's New Kids on the Block!

I love you guys. I've been listening to
your music ever since I was in the womb.

I didn't have a choice,
but I actually liked it!

Let's do it, guys.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

Stop, stop!

- She's not the birthday girl.
- I've got a birthday coming up.

Keep singing, boys!

DJ cracked a crown,
Matt had to take her to the dentist.

This is a her dream-come-true,
once-in-a-lifetime moment

and she's not here?

You guys can wait, right?

Um... not really.

Well, it's just dental surgery.
I mean, how long could that take?

Sorry, we gotta go.

No, no, you don't. Wait a minute, stop!

Hold on. No. Wait. No, no, no.

New Kids on the couch.

Go. Go, go. Sit.

Sit, sit. Go.

[plays "Old MacDonald" out of tune]

[all clap unenthusiastically]

You're right, "Old MacDonald" does sound
so much better the fourth time.

That painting is freaking me out.

And so is the guy next to it.

That dog and that baby look familiar.

Are they from that video
you sent me, Jordan?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, yeah, that was my song.

"The Boy Next Door."

You know, I sang it
on Wake Up USA last week.

It's kind of a big deal.

- Wow, we gotta get a picture.
- Yeah.

I would be flattered. Absolutely.

Great. Horizontal, no flash, please.

OK...

OK, say, "This is what I get
for bragging."

[all] This is what you get for bragging.

We've gotta go, we've got
, people counting on us.

[panics] No. No, no, wait,
my best friend is counting on you.

Please don't go, boys.

Please don't go.

DJ's back.

She's here! She's here!

My dentist is the bestest.

He said because it's my birthday
I could have two toothbrushes!

Here, Matt. One for me and one for you.

Is she drunk?

No, better. Heavy pain meds.

Deej, look.
It's the New Kids on the Block.

[vague] New Kids on the Block.

We're going tonight.

You guys should come too.

We're trying.

Ooh... I like this.

And I like this.

Oh, I really like this.

Maybe we should wrap this up.

No, not until they sing
"Happy Birthday". Please, guys?

- [sighs] Anybody got an iPad?
- Yeah, mine's right there.

Great, thank you.

Donnie loves to sing "Happy Birthday."

- You got him?
- Donnie?

- [Donnie] Joey?
- Yeah, OK her name's DJ.

Here we go, guys.

- [all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- [Donnie] ♪ Happy happy ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy happy ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear DJ ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Happy happy ♪

- That was awesome.
- Let's get out of here.

[DJ snores]

New Kids, wait!
My mom's broken tooth is all my fault.

Can you please come back
when she wakes up?

[snores]

Man, she snores like a leaf blower.

Sorry, little man.

Hang tough.

Oh! "Step by step."

[laughs]

We'll be loving you forever.

At least you guys still have tickets
to the concert tonight.

Well, actually, we don't.
The tickets I bought were counterfeit.

Oh, DJ's gonna be devastated.

Mmm...

Joey McIntyre, you're such a good kisser.

What if the other New Kids walk in?

Uh... OK, all children, leave the room.

All the grownups, let's pull up a chair.

Poor DJ.
This birthday was a complete disaster.

How could anyone be sad
when they own this masterpiece?

Man, I really needed that nap.

I just had the weirdest dream
that New Kids on the Block were here

and one of them
was totally coming onto me.

Sit down.

You need to see this.

Oh, I like this.

And this.

Oh, I really like this.

Wait, what? They were really here?

And... And... And...
And I rubbed Joey McIntyre's chest?

[all] Yes.

Was he into it?

[all] No.

Wait, what were the New Kids
on the Block doing in my house?

We brought them here to cheer you up.

Because the tickets
we bought were counterfeit.

So we're not going to the concert?

No.

We're really sorry.

It's OK.

I was gonna skip this birthday anyway.

Any cupcakes left?

I just ate the last one.

Ladies, I'm gonna make all three of you
scream with pleasure.

I'd love to see you try.

You are all going to the New Kids
on the Block concert tonight!

- Wait.
- [Stephanie and Kimmy] What?

- What are you talking about?
- Matt scored three front row tickets!

[all three scream]

That's amazing!

Steve, I got your text,
what's going on, man?

[all three scream] Matt! Thank you!

[continue chatting excitedly]

Uh... you're welcome?

How did you do it?

Do what?

Oh, don't be so modest, buddy.

Matt knows the guy that runs the arena.

He pulled some strings
and sent me to get the tickets.

This guy's a hero!

[all three scream]

Why didn't you tell us earlier?

I don't know.

Because he wasn't sure
if it was gonna work out

- and didn't wanna get your hopes up.
- Aww, is that true?

I don't know.

Matt, you saved my birthday.

Come on girls, let's go get dressed.

Dream boards really do come true!

Ryan Gosling, you're next.

Thank you, but I'm totally lost, man.

OK, so the guy that runs the arena's
a patient of mine

and he owed me a big favor.

I cleared up a wicked case of toe fungus.

But why?

Well, because if left untreated
you could lose the nail.

Why did you give me credit?

All right, well look,
DJ loved my birthday gift.

She did.

I mean, I crushed it.

- It's true.
- She was in actual tears!

I was there, Steve.

Look, I felt really bad when
your tennis rackets didn't score big

like my pillow person.

You're an awesome guy, all right.
So I wanna make sure DJ thinks so too.

No, you're the awesome guy.

Should we hug?

Probably.

Should we stop?

It's your hug, your decision.

- [music playing]
- [crowd screaming]

[cheering]

Hey, there's that stoner chick.

[Joey] Hey, San Fran,

there's a special girl in the audience
who's having a really rough birthday,

but we're gonna fix all that,
DJ, come on up here.

- Come on.
- [all three scream]

There were stairs right there,
but that was fun to watch.

Oh! Oh!

This is a dream come true,
I don't know what to do!

All I ask is stay away from my chest.

We're gonna sing
something especially for you.

And try to stay awake this time, OK?

[music starts]

- ♪ Please, don't go, girl ♪
- ♪ Yeah-yeah ♪

♪ Please don't go, girl ♪

♪ You would ruin my whole world ♪

♪ Tell me you'll stay ♪

♪ Never ever go away ♪

♪ I love you ♪

- ♪ I guess I... ♪
- [all] ♪ Always will ♪

♪ And girl ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you're my best friend ♪

♪ Girl, you're my love within ♪

♪ I just want you to know ♪

♪ That I will always love you ♪

[cheering]

Go, DJ!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh! Oh!

And I wanna thank my two best friends
for making this happen.

Stephanie, Kimmy, come up here!

We usually decide who comes up on stage,
but yeah, whatever.

And since Donnie's not here,
I'll sing his parts.

[music starts]

San Fran, let's go! Hey!

[all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

Come on...

[all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ The right stuff ♪

♪ First time was a great time
Second time was a blast ♪

♪ Third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts ♪

♪ You got the right stuff, baby ♪

♪ Love the way you turn me on ♪

♪ You got the right stuff, baby ♪

[all] ♪ You're the reason
why I sing this song ♪

Whoo!

♪ All that I needed was you ♪

[all] ♪ Oh, girl, you're so right ♪

♪ And all that I wanted was... ♪
San Francisco!

Everyone, let's dance!

[all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

- Hey!
- [all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

- ♪ The right stuff ♪
- Come on, sing...

[all] ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

- ♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ The right stuff ♪

♪ Your first kiss was a sweet kiss
Second kiss had a twist... ♪

Can you Facetime us?

Man, you girls are pushy.

[song continues]

♪ Tell 'em when you talk ♪

♪ See it in everything you do
Even in your thoughts ♪

♪ You got the right stuff, baby ♪

♪ Love the way you turn me on ♪

Look how much fun they're having.

Yeah, maybe getting old
won't be that bad.

Not if you look like this.

- ♪ Woo ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

- ♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ The right stuff ♪

Whoo!

[cheering]

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- OK...
- Thank you.

All right, just one more.

- Hi!
- Thank you!

Just one more! Just one more!

Security?

Thank you.

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

[theme tune plays]