02x11 - DJ and Kimmy's High School Reunion

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face
Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there
And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La, la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[shouts] Come on, Kimmy! We don't want
to be late for our high school reunion!

This is k*lling me.

As much as I love the dress I have on,

my old prom dress keeps blinking,
"Wear me, wear me, wear me..."

Or, "Burn me, burn me, burn me..."

It's a high school reunion, Kimmy,
not a ' s theme party.

Our entire lives are a ' s theme party.

You know, it's such a shame
that Matt is still in India.

I mean, he's missing all of this.

But I texted him some photos.

Did he like your new dress?

Who said the dress was on?

Was it?

Yes!

Oh, look! It's our high school yearbook.

[sighs] I totally forgot I was voted
Most Likely To Succeed,

Most Likely To Use "Gosh" in a Sentence

and Most Likely To Marry Lance Bass.

Gosh, they were wrong about that.

All I got was Most Weirdest.

All because one time
I ate a sandwich with my feet.

[gasps]

Aww, look at this picture
of me and Steve at Steve's prom.

We had such big dreams.

And big hair.

Tonight's gonna be a great night.

[cell phone beeps]

For you.

However, I will not be going.

Woah, woah... What just happened?

Kathy Santoni just posted this
on our reunion Facebook page.

[DJ] "Garbage Bag Gibbler."

Oh, that was senior ditch day.

Yep, we were partying in the hot springs
and some joker stole my clothes.

I spent the whole day
wearing a trash bag.

Nobody rocks a Hefty bag like you.

Thanks, but you know darn well I was
the laughing stock of the whole school.

Well, just for a couple of weeks, 'cause
then Lisa Wolf farted in Glee Club.

But who cares?

I mean, you have blossomed
into a wonderful mother

and a powerful,
independent businesswoman.

And let's not forget, my date
is the handsomest man in the world.

[Spanish accent] Kimberlina, are you sure

this is what men wear
to high school reunions in America?

I wanna make sure everybody knows
you're a hot race car driver.

Your job is to stand there all night
and be my man candy.

I feel like a piece of beefcake.

And I'm surprisingly fine with it.

Oooh...

Hit me baby one more time.

[giggles]

Hey.

- Hey.
- I have great news about the kids.

First of all, put your hands together
for the superstar of Third Grade,

Mr Maxwell Fuller.

[cheering]

[music plays from Stephanie's phone]

♪ It's meant to be ♪

♪ Wa-ooh ♪

♪ If we just believe ♪

♪ Nothin's too far
Nothin's out of reach... ♪

Guess who just got Student of the Month
for the eighth time?

Bam!

[cheering]

- Yeah!
- Nice!

Sometimes during tests, I close one eye
just to make it more challenging.

And next, she's got moves like Jagger,
but she doesn't know who Jagger is.

Say hello to Ramona Gibbler.

[dance music plays from Stephanie's phone]

Guess who made
the newspaper's Top Dancers Under .

Honey, that's incredible!

Not only did you make the newspaper,
you also know what a newspaper is.

And, last but not least, the newest member
of the Fuller Over Achiever's Club,

Jackson Fuller.

[they cheer]

What, no music?

Oh, that was dancing?

Guess who got all A's this semester.

[gasps]

Wow.

That's unbelievable.

I... I mean, it's not unbelievable,

it's just... really surprising.

I mean, it's not surprising,
I mean... congratulations, honey.

Thank you.

And tonight, Stephanie is gonna throw

Stephanie's first annual
gifted student pizza party.

Stephanie's gonna need your credit card.

[kids shout] Wahoo!
Pizza party! Pizza party!

Pizza party!

[doorbell]

[both] It's always open!

- Hey, you guys.
- Hi, you guys look great!

Deej, since you're going to your class
reunion at our old high school,

would you return Lord of the Flies
to the library for me?

It's a little overdue.

Steve, this was due years ago.

Yeah, if you could just, like,
sneak it onto the shelf,

you'd save me
about nine grand in late fees.

Steve, you're a naughty boy.

Maybe you should make me write,
"I'm a naughty boy"

times on the blackboard.

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should take that outside.

Kimmy, you can do this.

You are a strong, black woman.

No, you're not, but you get the idea.

Look, there's Kathy Santoni.

Are you sure that's her?

Yes, look at those boobs!

Kimmy? DJ? Oh, it's so good to see you.

Hi.

Well, everybody's already organized.

The nerds are by the punchbowl,

the stoners are over there

and the two guys I dated
on the water polo team

are now married
and making out under the bleachers.

Hey, did you see the picture I posted?

Oh. Yes. [laughs politely]

Garbage Bag Gibbler.

Thank you for reminding me
of all the fun we had in high school.

I can't wait until our th,

so we can reminisce
about all the fun we had just now.

Come on, let's go watch Kimmy.

Welcome to the Bayview High
class of ' reunion,

produced by
Gibbler Style Party Planning.

[all cheer and clap]

I'm Kimmy Gibbler.

[shouts] Garbage Bag Gibbler! Hah!

Nobody remembers or cares about
some silly incident from years ago.

Correction: everybody cares.

Anyhoo, tonight we have
a celebrity in the house,

my fiancé, the most handsome
race car driver on the planet,

Fernando
Hernandez-Guerrero-Fernandez-Guerrero!

[all clap]

There is my man, straight from work,

where he drives a race car
and looks very debonair doing it.

Wait till you see this handsome face.

[all gasp]

What is wrong with you people?
He's beauti...

[shrieks] Oh, my God, you're a monster!

I have a funny story.

While I was waiting outside,

I was viciously att*cked
by a g*ng of bees.

Perhaps I should not have passed the time
by tossing rocks at their hive.

I haven't looked in the mirror,

but I might be slightly allergic.

I swear, he's gorgeous.
You should see him in his Speedo.

It is true, I am normally
a magnificent sight to behold.

Fernando, we have got to
get you to a hospital.

No, it's your big night.

I already called Lyft.
It is cheaper than Uber.

Are you sure?

Yes, I checked the prices.

Kimberlina, goodbye, I love you.

No, I'm DJ!

Oh. I am sorry, my eyelids
are folding in on themselves.

OK, um...

Moving on,

let's get this party started
with some ' s music.

[all cheer]

[cell phone beeps]

Uh... but the DJ is stuck in traffic.

[all disappointed] Oh...

Well, no worries, I'll just plug in
my phone with my ' s playlist.

[man on phone] Kimberly,
this is Dr. Shapiro.

You need to drink a lot of cranberry
juice to flush out your system

and then, every two hours...

[louder] ... you can just apply cream
directly to the affected area.

With any luck, you'll be back in action
by New Year's Eve.

[all laugh]

Check it out, I finally made the fridge
with something other than a hand turkey.

How did you get all A's anyway?

I've never seen you study once.

Ramona,

in America, it's not about studying,

it's about dreaming big.

Again, how did you get all A's?

I asked myself the same question.

"Max, how does a C student
become and A student

overnight?"

And that's when I took a leisurely stroll
over to the printer-scanner-copier.

Jackson,

little tip.

In the future,
if you wanna change your grades,

always remove the original report card
from the printer-scanner-copier.

J'accuse!

What does "J'accuse" mean?

It means I accuse you. In French.

A language you claim to have an A in.

Hey, hey, hey, hey... Whoa.

Max.

Are you saying Jackson
altered his report card?

Because that does not sound
like the honest kid that I...

Oh, yeah, he did it.

So what if I changed my grades?

Sorry I'm not good at test-taking.

Or at using the printer-scanner-copier.

Fine.

Who cares about getting my stupid
report card on the stupid fridge,

where we keep our stupid food
and our stupid drinks.

I'm outta here.

[sighs]

Well, he definitely gets an A in Drama.

DJ Tanner.

The girl that got away.

Oh, Nelson!

You look almost the same.

How are you?

House in Stinson Beach and one in Maui

and, of course,
there's the chalet in Aspen.

I asked, "How are you?"

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you asked me,
"How many homes do you have?"

I see you're here solo.

Good news, I'm flying solo myself.

Oh, good for you.

Gulfstream G .

I thought you asked
how I was flying solo.

Hey, Deej, is this poindexter
bothering you?

- Viper?
- Hey.

Gosh, what a surprise.

Deej, you look even better
than you did in high school.

And you looked good in high school.

And you didn't even
go to our high school.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came here to see you.

You're the one that got away.

Hey, I said that first.

So anyway, I'm still playing in a band.

And I got a day job at Foot Locker.

My boss is a real tool,
he makes me buy him beer.

I see you're still full
of wasted potential.

Hey...

How did you know I was wasted?

And, now I remember
why I broke up with both of you.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go mingle.

- Great, I'll come with you.
- No, I'll come with you.

Uh, no, you won't,
because she's with me.

No, bro. She's with me.

Actually, guys, she's with me.

- Steve?
- Steve?

Steve?

Yep. My name's Steve.

Now if you'll excuse me,
my girl and I would like some time alone.

Thank you.

Can you believe she picked that guy?

Well, he was captain
of the wrestling team.

And currently one of the Bay Area's
leading podiatrists.

You can't compete with that.

Steve, what are you doing here?

Kimmy texted me, she said
you were in desperate need of an escort.

Aww.

You showed up to rescue me.

Just like you did at my prom.

Hey, Deej, you wanna see
if our names are still on the gym floor?

Oh, there's no way.

[gasps]

Oh, Mylanta!

You know, I carved that
on our first date.

I knew you were a keeper.

I knew you were too.

Why did we ever break up?

Well, that was
my biggest regret in high school.

And I wound up dating those two bozos.

[strains, groans]

I am so glad that you're here,
you just made my whole night.

OK, everyone, in case you were concerned,
Fernando is breathing on his own.

OK, let's party!

[all cheer]

["Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer playing]

[music still playing]

Somebody get this woman a garbage bag.

[all laugh]

[knocking]

Hey.

I'm very busy.

Clearly.

Do you mind if I take a moment
out of your busy schedule?

Why did you change your grades?

'Cause mine sucked.

They didn't suck, they were just average.

Well, except for the D.

And I don't know why
they gave you a D in Wood Shop.

Because that is a beautiful birdhouse.

It's a spice rack.

Well, in case you hadn't noticed,
everybody in this family is a superstar.

Well, except me.

I get it.

You just wanna feel special.

Everybody wants that.

Well, great.

Not even my feelings are special.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Really? Then name one thing I'm great at.

You are a great friend to Cosmo.

He adores you.

OK, that was really bad timing.

Let's just admit it.

I'm not great at anything.

And I never will be.

[voice cracks]
'Cause nothing about me is special.

Jackson, don't say that.

Please, leave me alone.

[sighs]

OK.

Excuse me, have you seen
a frazzled-looking woman wearing Spanx?

[surprised] Woo!

I am sorry everyone saw
you in your Spanx.

This reunion is a total disaster.

My dress tore off,
my fiancé looks like the elephant man,

and everybody knows
I have a urinary tract infection.

[beeping]

Smile.

We can go home right now.
Whatever you wanna do, I'm here for you.

Well, I can't leave, I still have to
pay the caterer and lock up.

[beeping]

She-wolf.

[both howl]

I hope you're having
a better night than I am.

Well, I'm having
a pretty great time with Steve.

I mean, a really great time.

Maybe too great of a time.

[beeping]

Goofy face.

It's so confusing.

I don't know
if I'm having real feelings for Steve

or I'm just getting caught up
in all the nostalgia.

But maybe Steve's still in my life
for a reason.

I think you should go and talk to him.

And then let me know
when everyone's gone.

I'll be hiding behind the Dumpster.

[beeping]

BFFs

[shouts] Jackson, we need you.

[Jackson] No, you don't.

[shouts] Lola's here.

[Jackson] Coming.

Hey, Lola. What are you doing here?

Your family said you wouldn't
come downstairs unless I came over.

OK, I'm going back upstairs.

Na-ah, hold on.

All right, we just wanna talk to you.
Please, have a seat.

[sighs]

[plays sour note]

It's time for
the Jackson Fuller Award Show,

we're we give awards to Jackson Fuller.

[Ramona] I'll go first.

Jackson, when I first moved in,
you were so sweet to me.

You even gave me your bedroom.

No, I didn't, my mom
took it away from me.

And then I got so mad
that I ran away from home.

But eventually you gave me your room.

And that was very nice of you.

So that's why this is for you.

Best New Brother .

Is that a ballerina?

It is.

Because you are tutu sweet.

Get it?

Yeah, I get it. Can I go now, please?

I have to tell you a story.

A long, long time ago,

I was seven.

And there was a monster in my closet.

Everyone told me I was nuts,

except you.

You believed me!

And then you caught the monster
in a pillowcase

and put him out with the trash.

So?

So...

You saved my life.

And opened up more closet space.

And that's why I present you with this.

This is Cosmo's certificate
from obedience school.

And now it's yours.

Thanks, I guess.

Wait, hold on.

This little guy told me
to tell you a secret.

He said that you're the best
brother ever. But not to tell Max.

He also said that you give
the best tickles in the world.

So come on, give the kid a thrill.

Come on, I woke him up for this.

[sighs]

The kid's an easy laugh.

He thinks that light
bulbs are hysterical.

Um... I didn't really have
anything prepared,

but you're my first boyfriend
and I am very picky.

I think you're awesome
and you're a really good kisser.

I am?

Wow, I feel so much better!

Why didn't we just start with Lola?

You see?

When it comes to being a great boyfriend,
a great brother and a great nephew,

you get an A plus.

The way you make people feel
is what makes you really special.

Thanks.

Really? I'm a good kisser?

Ocupado.

I'm not sure you remember me,
but we almost got married.

Dwayne?

The "Whatever" guy?

Yeah, that's me, I didn't have
the most expansive vocabulary back then.

It's so good to see you.
What have you been up to?

Well, I went to Harvard
and then I became a motivational speaker.

I took my lame catchphrase, "Whatever,"
and turned it into an entire worldview.

It's all about saying "Whatever"
to any obstacle that life gives you.

Kimmy Gibbler,

your entire class is making fun of you?

Whatever.

Your fiancé got stung my bees
and looks grotesque?

Whatever.

Your Spanx are trending? Whatever!

Thank you, Dwayne.

I'm gonna go turn this night around.

[suddenly nervous] Whatever.

[music starts]

That's our song, "Everything I Do."

In parentheses, "I Do It For You."

From our favorite movie, Robin Hood.

Colon: Prince of Thieves.

- May I?
- You may.

♪ Look into my eyes ♪

♪ You will see ♪

♪ What you mean to me ♪

♪ Search your heart ♪

♪ And search your soul ♪

♪ And when you find me there ♪

♪ You'll search no more ♪

[both] ♪ Don't tell me
it's not worth trying for ♪

[both] ♪ You can't tell me
it's not worth dying for ♪

[both] ♪ You know it's true ♪

[both] ♪ Everything I do ♪

[both] ♪ I do it for you ♪

[song continues]

Aww, all these old memories
are coming back.

And old feelings too.

Deej, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

There's something I need to
talk to you about too. I'll go first.

I'm gonna propose to CJ.

Or you could go first.

CJ has everything I'm looking for
in a partner.

She's caring and funny and beautiful.

All the things I treasured about you
when we were together.

Thank you.

Look... To be honest,

I started dating CJ
because she reminded me of you.

Now I love her for who she is.

And if I learned anything
from our relationship,

it's that...

you can't let a good thing slip away.

I've been thinking about that too.

So, um...

I guess I'm gonna propose.

Unless you can think
of a reason why I shouldn't.

I can't think of one.

You OK?

Yeah.

[soft chuckle]

I'm just, I'm so happy for you and CJ.

I'm so happy for you and Matt.

We just have to promise that no matter
what happens, we'll always stay friends.

Because I love you.

I love you too.

[song ends]

Deej, I'm back.

Kimmy, what are you doing?

Embracing my inner "Whatever".

I'm using that correctly, aren't I?

[nervous] Whatever.

Kimberlina, it's me, Fernando.

I had a feeling.

What are you doing?

I wanted to come back,
but I did not want to attract attention.

- Take your bandages off.
- But what if you find me repugnant?

I'm wearing a garbage bag,
we're way past repugnant.

OK, everyone, gather around

and get your pictures of Garbage Bag
Gibbler and Freak Show McBeeSting.

Because I'm not here
to impress you people,

I'm here to have a great night with
my best friend and my beautiful fiancé.

So whatever.

Even back in high school
you were never afraid to be weird.

You're the bravest person I know.

To Kimmy Gibbler.

What are they doing?

Oh, it's the slow clap.

It means the nerdy outsider
is finally accepted by the cool kids

and the movie's almost over.

What a relief. In Argentina
it means you're about to be ex*cuted.

[clapping gets faster]

["Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer playing]

Oh. I know we've heard this before,
but I only have two songs on my phone.

[song continues]

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

[theme tune plays]