03x06 - Hey, I'm Solvin' Here!

[bunniefuu]

He's struck again, hasn't he?

I received this by mail
with no return address.

Apparently, it's a replica
of some statue

located off the coast of New York City.

♪

Give me.

[Sniffs]

Oh, that's him.

Before I help you, I want to
hear how you're doing.

I don't have time for
your nonsense today.

Neither does Mr. Sniglet's next victim.

I'm doing fine, okay?

[Chuckles]

[Vocalizing]

That won't do at all.

I want to hear intimate,
personal things...

things that may have
metaphorical parallels

to the case.

[Sighs]

Well, I guess Geils and I broke up.

Do you know that the rat and cheetah

are the only animals
that don't fear intimacy?

You have terrible trust issues,

and they stem from your childhood.

Tell me about Calvin Sniglet.

Calvin Hobbes Sniglet is also
a product of his childhood.

If he can't make peace with his past,

he won't stop k*lling trophy hunters

using their clothes
to make outfits for animals.

When will you come to peace
with your past, Angela?

You don't know anything about my past.

I know that your father cared for your
stepmother more than he cared for you.

What happened the night
of the eight-grade dance?

You're crazy.

You're just a crazy, old serial k*ller

who will be pooping in a chrome
toilet for the rest of his life.

I'd start checking police
bulletins for Manhattan.

Yeah, I'll be sure to do that.

Run along.

Hey, do you guys validate?

The first two hours are free.

- Oh! Great.
- Yeah.

- See ya.
- Bye.

♪

♪ Angie Tribeca ♪

Lieutenant, you left this on the door.

Damn it, Tribeca.
This better be important.

Wiedner, Tribeca. Tribeca, Wiedner.

Wiedner, why don't you take a break.

Tell Sergeant Gutierrez I said you
could fire that tear gas cannon.

Okay.

I need to go to New York City.

Tribeca, every cop gets the Broadway bug

at one point or another.

But your name doesn't open a show,

and you don't have the
legs for the chorus.

A story just came off the New York wire

about a missing middle-aged white man.

I don't know if he's rich
or a trophy hunter,

but it sure does sound like the
serial k*ller we've been tracking.

If it doesn't happen in L.A.,
it's none of our business,

and we don't know if serial
k*lling's illegal in New York.

It's not that simple, Lieutenant.

I am developing an obsessive
interest in this m*rder*r,

and I think he may be The One.

Let me put this in the
plainest terms I can.

Under no circumstances,

no matter what persuasive
techniques are employed,

even if our very lives depended on it,

will I allow you to go to New York.

- Is that clear?
- Yes, Lieutenant. Crystal.

Oh, I have a volleyball
tournament tomorrow,

- so I'm gonna need the day off.
- Fair enough.

Also, Geils, Hoffman, and Tanner

are bringing the snacks,

and Scholls has the ball.

Great! Good luck, Tribeca.

Thanks.

♪

♪ Angie Tribeca ♪

_

I still feel guilty about this.

I didn't hear you complaining
when we cut the security line.

Woman: Please do not leave your baggage

or any of your belongings unattended.

They will be confiscated.

I just hope you're right about this

being the work of Calvin Sniglet

because all of our careers
are on the line by being here.

My gut is telling me it's Sniglet,

and I can count on one hand

the number of times my gut's been wrong.

Oh! There she is.

I called ahead to N.Y.P.D. They
sent a detective to come get us.

Hi! Jessie Goldstein.
How are you? Come on in.

Come on in. Thank you for
meeting us, Detective.

Oh, please. It was my pleasure.

Oh, you guys must be exhausted.

All right, let's go!

So, I don't know how much you've heard,

but the disappearance of Anton Chekhov

made me think that it could be
the work of a serial k*ller

we've been tracking.

What about it seemed similar?

Well, the fact that a
white male was kidnapped,

and I got this thing in the mail.

- It's hard to explain.
- Okay.

And here we are.

Okay. Take care, now.

Uh, Detective Goldstein, I don't
mean to be a backseat driver,

but we're in the middle
of the Lincoln Tunnel.

[Horns honking]

Oh, my God! You are so right.

Now, get the [bleep] out of my car.

Look, you think you can come to my city

with your stupid L.A. clothes

and your stupid Hollywood haircuts

and tell me how to solve a case?

Chekhov was Russian mob.

This wasn't any serial k*ller.
This was a mob hit.

So you can get your
[bleep] out of my car

and get back to [bleep] Angeles.

Go! Get out!

[Horns honking]

So longs, jerks! [Laughs]

[Tires screech]

[Horns honking]

[Knock on window]

Can you at least take us
back to the airport?

Can you take us to the
end of the tunnel?

Can you at least give us our clothes?

[Tires screech]

[Honking continues]

Well, we didn't make it here,

so I guess we can't make it anywhere.

Hang on, guys.

If I were the type of
person to give up easily,

none of y'all would have
seen "The Good Wife."

I know we're in an unfamiliar
city, we're cold, we're alone,

but we're cops, and I have a hunch.

Sure, it wasn't easy growing up

with the kids teasing me about it,

but it made me who I am today.

So we're gonna go back to L.A.
with our tails between our legs?

Or are we gonna take a big
breath of New York fresh air

and get on with it?

[All coughing]

♪

[Russian accent] Welcome to Louse House.

We are not nice to lice. Can I help you?

Tribeca and Geils, L.A.P.D.

We'd like to speak to Masha Chekhov.

I am Masha, Ms. Chekhov if you're nasty.

Ma'am, I'm not sure if you're aware,

but your husband went
missing a few days ago

according to a missing-persons
report that you filed.

I don't know anything about a
report, the police, or my husband.

Russians are notoriously
suspicious of law enforcement.

Please. Have a seat.

Mm. My husband is good man.

He just fall in with bad people.

Eh, when you move here from Russia,

you don't have choice of profession

that you did in old country.

I was Surgeon General of Volgograd,

and look at me now.

I'm nothing more than a nitpicker.

- Irregardless...
- Regardless, eh?

So you think the mob had something to do

with your husband's disappearance?

When did I say that? No.
All the mob love Anton.

He always k*ll on time and
always come in under budget.

Oh! You have lice.

Next.

Besides, Anton is dying of liver cancer.

If someone wanted him
dead, why not just wait?

Was your husband a big game
hunter, by any chance?

No. Anton has very strict code.

He only k*ll people.

Oh! You also have lice!

Hmm. Ooh, sorry!

I accidentally grab
comb from dirty pile.

Chekhov's not a trophy hunter,
he's not rich. It's not our guy.

Let's just cut our losses
and get out of here.

I'm telling you, Sniglet has Chekhov,

and I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Oh, don't tell me you've been
consulting with that maniac

who's been in maximum-security
prison for years.

He has a name. It's the Zookeeper.

Ladies, L.A.P.D. We're
gonna need your seats.

We paid $ , for these.

Oh, leave the M&Ms.

You too, ma'am.

There is a man missing,
and if we leave New York now,

he's gonna end up dead
and stripped of his clothes.

You need to get this obsession you
have with Sniglet under control.

I mean, what do you care?

And this is not just about my career.

Your ass is on the line, too.

Look, I don't know
what you want me to say.

There was a time when
my partner, Jay Geils,

would have followed me anywhere.

Yeah, well, your partner, Jay Geils,

got to have sex and eat dinner with you.

Let's see what Tanner and Hoffman
turn up at the taxi dispatch.

If they come up empty, we'll go home.

♪

Oh, this is a singing play?

I'll be in the lobby.

Tanner: So, Anton Chekhov was last
seen getting into one of your cabs.

Louie: I told you, we found the
cab abandoned out in Queens.

- Anyone in it?
- Oh, yeah.

It's the kind of abandoned car
that had nine people in it.

So you haven't heard from the driver?

I didn't tell ya?

Right after he ditched the car
in the middle of nowhere,

we went out and got
bananas splits together.

All right, sir. Well,
we're gonna need statements

from all nine people
that was inside that car

and the name of the ice cream place.

Thanks for coming to New York
on short notice, Dr. Scholls.

I wanted to try my new bicycle anyway.

Anything turn up in the cab?

I found some fingerprints on the wheel,

which I'm checking against the database.

There were two wool fibers
in the backseat... and this.

This is the original driver of the cab.

Sir, would you mind
handing me that button?

Thank you, sir.

Mind fingers.

According to the missing-persons report,

Anton Chekhov was wearing an
overcoat with this type of button.

So Chekhov was in the car.

But who took him? [Computer beeps]

The fingerprints match those we
have on file for Calvin Sniglet.

Tribeca was right!

Wait a minute. I thought he
only k*lled trophy hunters.

Well, that explains this.
Rhino horn powder.

The Chinese use it to treat
cancer and make fireworks.

"Take twice a day for liver cancer

or throw in the air on New Year's Eve."

Thanks, Tanner.

Okay, it's him. He's here.

He took Chekhov, who was taking
rhino horn for his cancer.

Wow. You called it. Let's rock and roll.

Hey, Babe, where's
the lieutenant's office?

Excuse me, Lieutenant?

[Irish accent] Paddy Atkins, N.Y.P.D.

Jay Geils.

Angie Tribeca. L.A.P.D.

L.A.P.D. I have a cousin
that works in the L.A.P.D.

- Pritikin Atkins?
- It's a pretty big force.

- Doesn't ring a bell.
- Well, a cop's a cop.

So, what can New York's
finest do you for?

Well, we're fairly sure

that a serial k*ller
named Calvin Sniglet

is responsible for the
disappearance of Anton Chekhov.

I thought I smelled
quinoa and tanning spray.

Lieutenant, Chekhov was a mob hit.

I've already rounded up
the usual suspects.

It's just garbage k*lling garbage.

I respectfully disagree, sir.

We found Sniglet's prints in
the taxi Chekhov was riding in.

This isn't one of your big
Hollywood movies, Tribeca.

This is New York City,
where they've sh*t

over episodes of "Law and Order."

Now, then, Goldstein, you're gonna help
these detectives follow their lead.

You're also gonna put
them up in your apartment.

Lieutenant...

You have the most space since
Cappelli sold his one-bedroom.

Now, I don't want to
hear another word about it.

But I warn you, detectives.

We don't take too kindly
to having our chains yanked

by a bunch of fancy
West Coast chain yankers.

♪

[Sirens wailing]

♪

Morning, sleepyhead.

Coffee is on the toilet
if you need some.

Where's Tribeca?

Oh, Tribeca and Goldstein
were both gone when I woke up.

[Sighs]

♪

Thank you for seeing me,
Mr. and Mrs. Sniglet.

I won't take too much of your time.

When was the last time you saw your son?

Oh, he was here for Christmas.

We had a nice dinner. Vegan, of course.

He won't eat anything with a face.

Thank you for also seeing me,
Mr. and Mrs. Sniglet.

I won't take too much of your time,

but when was the last
time you saw you son?

Oh, he was here for Christmas.

We had a nice dinner. Vegan, of course.

He won't eat anything with a face.

I actually thought it was pretty rude

that he wouldn't try my
world-famous hog's face.

Oh, come on!
Can't you two get past this?

Martha's Calvin's stepmother,
and as you can I see,

they haven't always seen eye to eye.

Martha's Calvin's step-mom,
and as you can I see,

they haven't always seen eye to eye.

Both: So, there was some tension there?

Calvin's mom,
the first Mrs. Sniglet, uh,

she d*ed when he was years old.

They were very close.
They shared a love of animals.

That was for the both of you.

Thank you so much for your time.

I'd really like to talk to your son.

Do you have any idea where he could be?

Oh, sorry, no. He moves around a lot.

He usually just gets in contact with us.

Well, if you do hear from him,
please have him give me a call.

Yes, I will, uh,
Detective Angie Tribeca.

Mm-hmm.

What's your deal, Goldstein?

Why don't you just stick
to your mob hit theory

and stay out of my investigation?

I'm starting to like your theory.

You don't even know my theory.

You just like it 'cause I like it.

Ain't no cuff on that wrist,

so until there's an arrest,
it's fair game.

[Cellphone rings, beeps]

Tribeca. Oh, hey. This is Larry Sniglet.

Calvin's dad. Oh. Hi, Dr. Cannoli.

[Whispering] It's my gynecologist.

Look, uh, Calvin's a good kid.

He just [chuckles] likes to k*ll people.

You see, he was bullied
most of his life,

even when we home-schooled him.

Well, I guess that kind of
pounding takes it toll.

Anyway, you might want to
look in Central Park.

He loved to sit on this bench
just south of Strawberry Fields

and feed the stray cats.

Anywhere else besides the p*ssy area?

Oh, no. That's where he liked to go.

But the park is locked at night,
so you might have to sneak in.

I'll see if I have any luck
with the back entrance.

Oh, but be careful because
the gate will lock after you.

I'll just jam something in there.

Thank you, Doctor.

[Cellphone beeps]

I have the same thing.

We have to get to Central Park.

We'll fan out, we'll...

What's wrong with everybody?

- Atkins: [Clears throat]
- Hello, Lieutenant.

How was the volleyball tournament?

- Great. We won.
- Congratulations.

Unfortunately, an earthquake has
totally wiped out Los Angeles,

and we need every first
responder we can get.

Let's move.

Good to see you, Paddy.

And nice to see you, as well, Pritikin.

All right, thank you.

I know where to find him.

Then why are you telling me?

'Cause you're all I've got.

Also, I don't know how
to get to Central Park.

You're a great detective, Tribeca.

Maybe you Hollywood types
are not so bad after all.

Thank you. I still find you
New Yorkers pretty abrasive.

[Chuckles]

Where'd you get that?

I have no idea.
It just came in the mail.

It's a replica of a statue
in the New York Harbor.

I'll explain on the way. Let's go.

Nothing yet. Are you in position?

Look how high the crown is!

I like the torch!

Yeah. Nothing here, either.

Hang on, I'm getting a call.

[Cellphone beeps] Tribeca.

Sniglet: Looking for someone?

Sniglet. Where are you?

Oh, I'm around somewhere.

♪

But am I around you or
around Detective Goldstein?

- Where's Chekhov?
- Chekhov?

Oh, you mean the human.

I've released him into the wild
so that I could hunt him.

It's only fair, after all.

Who do you think's gonna find him first?

Okay, look. I know your
upbringing wasn't that great.

How do you know that?

Because I spoke to your dad
and your step-mom.

You mean the Wicked Witch
of the West Village?

I know she was kind of a B to you.

Oh, she was more than a B.

She was an FB.

Look, you should have seen my step-mom.

I used to call her Voldemom.

Wait, didn't you grow up
before Harry Potter came out?

Yeah, huge coincidence.

Anyway, what I'm saying is I understand,

but you can't take your
crap out on everybody,

because it doesn't change anything.

Trust me... I've been taking out
my past on just about everybody,

and I am the least
popular person at work.

Seems like we're not
so different, Tribeca.

Maybe you'll get lucky
and find Chekhov first.

Oh, wait... Never mind. There he is.

Sniglet, don't.

[Dial tone]

[Cellphone beeps]

Chekhov's here. I see him.

[Cellphone beeps]

- [Cellphone beeps]
- Sniglet?

- Too late.
- [g*nsh*t]

[Sighs]

[Cow moos]

Uh, Tribeca?

- Thanks for the ride.
- That was kind of a weird one.

Yeah, they all are these days.

Well, if it's any consolation,
Chekhov wasn't such a great guy.

But that's not really
what's bothering you, is it?

I'm taking your father to the dance.

It's a father-daughter dance!

Maybe if you were prettier,
he would have taken you.

Dad!

You know how jealous
your stepmother gets.

Let me take her to the dance,

and I'll make it up to you later.

You wanted to go to that
cop convention next weekend.

Sniglet is trying to protect animals

because he sees them as vulnerable,

like he was when I was a child.

Take it easy, Goldstein.

All right, you too.
Hmm. Why is my head so itchy?

- I got to go. Bye.
- Okay. See ya!

[Crows cawing in distance]

♪

_

Hey, Dad.

I was hoping to talk to you.

♪