03x09 - Germs of Endearment

[bunniefuu]

I'm so sorry my husband's late,
Mr. Stone.

I hope this doesn't
cost me the promotion.

[Laughs]

- Sorry.
- Oh, here we are.

Sorry. I haven't been feeling well.

My lunch didn't quite
agree with me today.

Great. Shows up late
and brings up food poisoning.

Bon appétit, everyone. [Laughs]

This is very important to me.

Be charming and stop sweating.

So, Frederick,
I hear you're quite the golfer.

You should come and play
at my club sometime.

Oh, that would be... [Coughing]

He'd love that. Right, Frederick?

Frederick?

[Belches]

You're ruining their tablecloth.

[Coughing] I think we need to leave.

Are you all right?

He's fine.
Tell 'em you're fine, Frederick.

Tell her you're fine.

Frederick!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God.

Did I vomit on your boss?

You are so unbelievably selfish.

I knew you didn't want me
going back to work.

[Gasps]

♪

♪ Angie Tribeca ♪

Dad.

Dad, it's me, Angie.

Well, I'll be a moose's knuckle!

Come on in here.

[Slurping]

You have your mother's slurp.

You must have a lot of questions.

You left me alone.

A -year-old girl without a father.

Just tell me why.

It's a long story,

so I better hit the restroom first.

Take your time.

We're gonna be spending
lots of time together.

Hey, Dad, want to go get some pie,

see if I still got it?

Dad?

Dad?

[Water running]

[Squeaking]

What is this, hazmat suit day?

I guess I didn't get the memo.

You're looking at what's left
of Dr. Frederick Curtis.

He appears to have d*ed of
some sort of hemorrhagic fever

that liquefied his internal organs.

Is it contagious?

Yes. That's why I sent you
the memo about the hazmat suit.

Don't worry about me. I never get sick.

What is that, his wallet?

Whoa, Defense Department.

Bioweapons division.

From the looks of it, he had
a hell of a parking space.

Aren't those the guys that work with
the k*ller viruses and whatnot?

Well, whatever this virus is,
it's % lethal,

and if there's been an outbreak,

that means the entire city's
in grave danger.

Better get this to the lieutenant.

Quarantine?! Have you lost your marbles?

I have not!

Everyone who has ever
exchanged fluids with Curtis

is exchanging fluids with everyone

he has ever exchanged fluids with!

We need a quarantine to determine

how far the virus has spread.

- So we'll keep a condom on the city.
- Oh!

Look, we can't afford a panic right now.

It's Avocado Fest, which brings
in % of the city's revenue.

Like it or not,
Los Angeles is a guac economy.

- Geils, have you called the CDC?
- They called us.

Apparently, there was a break-in
at the bioweapons division

where Curtis worked a couple days ago.

Someone made off
with multiple viral samples,

a T. Rex embryo, and $ in petty cash.

Well, that cash is as good as gone.

I don't know if it's linked
to Curtis's death,

but it feels like the kind of
thing we'd investigate.

Atkins, for God sakes, this city
has finally snapped back

from the Mexican-American w*r.

Don't do this.

This could be a bioweapon.

People dropping dead right and left.

We're talking
Chipotle-level destruction.

Allow me to spell this out
for you as plainly as possible.

N-O...

T-G-O-N-N-A-H-A-P-P-E-N.

Where the hell is Tribeca?

She's driving back from her story line,

but I could give her a call.

♪

[Monitor beeps, flatlines]

[Cellphone rings]

What's up, Geils?

Oh, my God, that could
wipe out half the planet.

And I'd bet my badge
Calvin Sniglet's behind this.

Remember? The serial k*ller
who k*lled all the people

and stole their clothes to make
little outfits for animals?

Okay! I just didn't know
if you remembered.

[Beeps]

Oh, hang on.

Speak of the devil.

Sniglet.

Sniglet: Detective Tribeca,
to what do I owe the pleasure?

You called me.

I figured out how to save the animals.

By k*lling all the people.

By k*lling...

all the people.

Calvin, you don't have to do this, okay?

I am so sorry about your childhood,

and trust me, I understand.

But k*lling everyone on earth is
not gonna take that pain away.

Just drop me a pin with your location.

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I don't know how to do that.

But did you know
that the human immune system

can cause a spasmodic
contraction of separate

muscles in the face, neck, and thorax?

[Chuckles] You may know it as a sneeze.

Hang on, sorry.
Dropped my phone in the cr*ck.

Okay.

Sorry about that.

Gesundheit, Tribeca.

Ah-choo!

♪

Sorry.

It's the biggest health scare

since doctors said that thongs
should not be up there.

Two are dead, and hundreds more
are starting to feel weird.

Rumors are flying,
but we're having trouble

getting any solid
information about the virus

that seems to be spreading
quickly through the city.

Here comes the mayor now
to give a statement.

Thank you for coming.

I'm pleased to announce
there is no cause for alarm.

No quarantine will be in effect.

And while we mourn those
that have become liquefied,

the situation is under control.

So go out your daily lives,
keep your loved ones close,

just don't have any physical
contact with them.

[Reporters clamoring]

♪

You should put one of these one.

No, I'm good.

I once ate a piece of raw chicken

off a toilet seat
in a carnival port-a-potty

and was sick for, like, three weeks,

so I think I got this.

Suit yourself.

I just said I didn't want one.

Can you zip me up?

♪

How'd things go with your dad?

Let's just say
I've lost all faith in humanity

and wouldn't mind if everyone just d*ed,

but it won't affect
my work on this case.

Did we ever figure out how
Sniglet got access to this lab?

Man: You don't get it.

Well, why don't you
explain it to us, Mister?

Oh, sorry, Geils.

This is Clive Mister from the CDC.

It's actually Dr. Mister.

We're dealing with a
level viral outbreak.

Kind of hard to tell
if that's good or bad

without knowing how
many levels there are.

Well, on a good-or-bad scale,

I'd say we're looking at about a .

So, a is...?

You don't get it.

You're not even close to getting it.

Let's go inside so I
can explain it to you,

even though there's no
chance you're gonna get it.

♪

[Air whooshes]

This is where Dr. Curtis worked.

You're surrounded by some of the most
deadly viruses in human history.

I don't see any signs of a break-in.

Is it possible that
Curtis let Sniglet in?

Oh, my God.
How are you not getting this?!

Whoever got in here used a key card,

and it wasn't Dr. Curtis'.

That means Sniglet had his own key card

and he let himself in

and he knew exactly
what he was looking for.

He went straight for what
we call the rare-wine cellar.

[Air whooshes]

Sniglet knew what time Curtis
would take his breaks,

so that means
he'd been casing the place.

Curtis was just in the wrong
place at the wrong time

eating the wrong salad.

So give it to us real.

What is this virus,
and how fast can it spread?

The virus originated in penguins.

This penguin flu was then weaponized

and introduced into a human environment.

So, it's a highly contagious
biological w*apon,

some kind of synthesized penguin flu.

So, if we can cure a penguin,

we can figure out some way to apply it?

A virus that causes
a sore throat in penguins

makes the jump to humans,

causing total liquefactive necrosis,

which is a fancy way of saying
cytoplasmic protein coagulation.

So, mankind turns to soup

because of one lonely Arctic explorer

and one incredibly sexy penguin?

We should have melted
the ice caps a long time ago.

Is there any way to slow
down the infection rate?

Maybe keep it to , or , deaths?

Right now, the virus
is moving from person to person

through physical contact,

but if it becomes
airborne, it's game over.

Although, I've never played a game.

Unless we can find a cure.

Scholls, how long would it take you

to develop an antidote to this thing?

A little over a week,
but I lose the weekend

because of my sister's
baby shower in Kalamazoo.

I don't know.
Is humanity really worth it?

I mean, is it really
the end of the world

if it's the end of the world?

Dibs on the antidote.

[Cellphone rings]

It's him.

[Beeps] Tribeca.

Sniglet: Happy last day
on earth. [Chuckles]

Hey, am I on speakerphone?
I hear an echo.

Yeah, but there's no one in the room.

Good thinking. Whoops.

[Sighs] Doesn't matter.

Soon, there'll be no one in any rooms.

They'll all be dead because of me.

You'll be dead, too, Sniglet.

No one's immune to the penguin flu.

Unless you've taken
the necessary precautions

to make sure that doesn't happen.

You're a madman. Tell me where you are.

Doesn't matter where I am, Tribeca.

What matters is where the
virus is about to be.

Spring is in the air.

You know what my favorite
thing about spring is?

Opening day.

Goodbye.

Forever.

Opening day...

Baseball?

Dodger Stadium.
Opening day is this afternoon.

They're giving out nasal spray
to the first , fans.

The perfect delivery
method for this virus.

Geils, Tanner, get down to the stadium

and confiscate that nasal spray.

Tribeca, find Sniglet.

Scholls, go do science stuff.

Wiedner, did the wedding planner

have any suggestions for appetizers?

He's thinking maybe
a taco bar might be...

Damn it, we're all
about to die, Wiedner!

We're not having a taco bar!

Can you tell me about
those mini cheeseburgers again?

Sniglet: Tribeca.

I hope you're not thinking
about trying to stop me.

On the contrary.

I was thinking I'd like to join you.

Really?

Well, maybe after everyone's gone,

you and I could repopulate
the earth together.

Or just grab a drink,
if that's too much too fast.

[Beeps]

Uhh, hang on.

It's my brother on the other line.

Can you hold on for one second?

Yeah, no, no, no, take the call.

Just call me later. It's no big deal.

No, no, no, no. I want to talk to you.

Just one second. [Beeps]

All right, Scholls,
you're my eyes and ears.

Where is he?

Just downloading the data
from the satellite.

Give me a minute.

Hey, I'm back. Sorry about that.

How about this?

You tell me where you are,
and I'll come pick you up.

That sounds nice. It's been very lonely.

I know how you feel.

I've been alone
since I was years old.

So, that was like years ago?

So that would make you...?

Old enough to know
you can't outrun your past.

Yeah. No, absolutely.

What music was popular
back then? I forget.

Like...

You know, the usual.
Just songs about broken hearts.

Did you have an Atari or...?

People are cruel, Sniglet.
Parents are cruel.

Parents are people.

And people are animals.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Are we hooking up or what?

Just tell me where. [Beeps]

Hang on a second.

Scholls, I'm running out of nonsense.

Just give me something.

Boom, got him.

Oh.

You're not gonna like this.

For God sakes, just tell me!

Oh!

♪

Hello, Angie.

I've missed you.

Have you missed me?

Well, now there's plenty
of me to go around.

But which one is the real me?

Ow! God!

Seriously?

God!

♪

Announcer: Welcome to opening day,

brought to you by Snot-Block.

Don't breathe through your mouth.

Use Snot-Block.

Puig!

L.A.P.D. Where's the nasal spray?

[Organ playing "Charge"]

Oh, my God, this stuff is lethal.

Let's get rid of it
and take it to Goodwill.

Uhh, Geils? All these are empty.

[Speaking Spanish]

We're too late.

[Organ playing "Charge"]

♪

[Spraying]

[Gasps] I can breathe again!

Too bad I'ma die.

[Organ playing, crowd cheering]

I don't feel sick!

I should be out there
trying to catch this guy.

Look, it's just a precaution.

You probably don't have it.

Although, they say
once the symptoms start,

- it's already too...
- [Belches]

Oh, no.

You're gonna be okay.

Scholls is working on an
antidote as we speak.

You...

can...

b*at...

this.

Hang in there, buddy.

[Belches]

I know.

I was able to isolate
the pathogenic proteins

and deactivate them
by grafting on autoimmune genes

from penguin DNA.

Atkins: Good work, Scholls.

Let's get the rest of
this stuff to the public.

That was over , doses.

It's gonna take me hours
to brew the next batch.

Tanner doesn't have that kind of time!

Well, obviously, the more
penguin blood I have,

the faster I can make more antidote.

We're going to need
every penguin in the city.

Announcer: Let's hear it for Penny
the Penguin! [Cheers and applause]

♪

[Audience clamoring]

[Crowd gasps]

[Penguins squawk]

[Cackling]

Ah!

Ah!

I'm pleased to announce
the penguin flu outbreak

has been contained.

You may all go back to your normal
lives of quiet desperation.

Sounds great, Mr. Mayor.
The people are gonna love it.

Atkins, I can't thank
you and your team enough

for what you've done.

It's just too bad Tanner
wasn't here to hear you say it.

- These new floors look great.
- Gleaming.

- Really.
- Really beautiful.

Tanner, get in here!

What's up?

The mayor was just patting us
on the back for a job well done.

Oh, the real hero is Dr. Scholls.

Without that medicine,

I'd just be another victim
of penguin flu.

Where is Scholls?

Anybody tell her to come upstairs?

They'll find me!

You won't get away with this!

♪