(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
LIEUTENANT: It's been three years
since that f*cking freak Dr. Labcoat
detonated the green
b*mb that wiped out...
What's up, bud? New York City's
entire human population.
It's a day that's been
dubbed "Green Day"...
no affiliation to the bitching tunes
of Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt,
and... (MIMICS PLAYING DRUMS) Tré Cool.
What's left of New York City
is still impenetrably toxic
to any human life form...
Amigo! Which is why we've built
our Government Response
Center in New Jersey.
That and tax incentives!
Keeping it hard as f*ck, Tom.
This whole building is
dedicated to analyzing
and preventing another Green Day.
And again, just to reiterate,
it has nothing to do
with the genre-spanning,
multiplatinum punk alternative
rock trio Green Day.
Wait! What's this "Animals"?
Ah, just the dweebs are monitoring
the effects of the Green b*mb
on the animal population
of New York City.
There's animals in New York?
Oh yeah, tons of 'em.
Weird as sh*t, too.
There's been animals for three years?
How did I not know about this?
Well, the market's pretty saturated,
it's kind of hard to promote,
and "BoJack" is...
Lieutenant, those animals could be
the key to finding an antidote.
We get threats of another
Green Day on a daily basis.
Yeah, but it's dweeb sh*t!
I mean, there's a wing right over
there with bombs and nukes...
Lieutenant, might I remind you
of our respective rankings,
you American idiot?
"American Idiot"? That's the lamest one!
- Privates!
- (GASPS) Oh God.
Isn't it funny that yelling
"Privates" in an Army context
is like totally fine but
if you're like in a...
BOTH: Grocery store or
Walmart, you're schizophrenic!
- Dude, I was thinking the same thing!
- (LAUGHTER)
- We are just like...
- Enough!
LIEUTENANT: The general
would like to know more
about your little... animals operation.
MIKE: Uh, sure, I can handle that.
Hello, I'm Private Luciano,
and this is Primate Matarese.
We run a pretty straightforward,
naturalistic observation op.
Through these screens
we monitor the daily lives
of New York City's
posthumanity wildlife.
We do it all day,
every day for three years
and for some reason
we're not allowed to leave,
so we sleep there, we pee there,
and we play, oh, anywhere we'd like!
- Do you wanna be my girlfriend?
- What the...
Do you wanna be my mom? Do you
have games on your phone?
Could I touch your hand?
Sorry. So, so, so sorry.
- What the... I'm sorry.
- What the f*ck?
Eat my p*ssy. Shh.
Do you guys hear a breeze?
What did you just say to me?
- (PUNCH THUDS)
- (GRUNTS, RETCHES)
(GROANS) That hit the spot.
Shut the f*ck up!
- Now get back to work!
- Yup. Copy that!
- Copy you.
- GENERAL: f*cking idiots.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, come on.
(BURPS) We really whiffed
that one, didn't we?
- Yeah, we sure did.
- Jesus Christ. What did I say?
MIKE: Oh sh*t. The general left her pen.
Hey, wasn't Dr. Labcoat's
company called Pesci Co.?
Who gives a sh*t? What
section are we on today?
- , rats?
- Ooh, rats! Oh, what are they up to?
PHIL: I don't know. Shut the
f*ck up and watch. Okay?
This is how the episodes start now.
We push in to the screen...
♪ ♪
♪ Rats ♪
♪ Rascals ♪
♪ Yeah, rats ♪
♪ Rascals ♪
PHIL: I think we make a left here.
I don't even f*cking know, dude.
I'm so hungover.
I can't even concentrate.
That's how you know it was
a good Green Day, man,
- when you don't remember sh*t!
- A great Green Day in the books!
- Yeah! Green Day, dude!
- (PHIL GRUNTS, LAUGHS)
MIKE: The anniversary of
the Green b*mb going off
of course, which eliminated
BOTH: all the humans
from New York City...
PHIL: Yeah, I know this.
MIKE: ...marking the
beginning of a new echelon...
- PHIL: Who are you talking to?
- ...for the animal population.
MIKE: Just a time to celebrate...
BOTH: The resplendent gift of freedom...
- Yeah, I know this.
- By getting blacked-out wasted, fam!
(LAUGHS) All right!
Brought it home! Finally!
Oh sh*t! Look at this.
What do we got here?
Hey! Make yourself big! Get out!
- MIKE: Hey, get!
- PHIL: Get out!
You get back to Horseburg!
This is Rat Town!
- MIKE: Man, that was a big boy.
- PHIL: Yeah.
To be honest, I kind
of feel bad for them.
PHIL: Why?
Some horses still use horses as horses!
It seems a little backwards.
Hey, but, Mikey, listen. Rats help rats.
But ultimately, it's about helping
the only rat that really
matters: yourself.
Which is why you should keep and hide
all your gold in your basement.
It's my gold. Mine.
It's my gold, you know.
How can a rat help a horse?
- PHIL: Right?
- MIKE: I can't even speak to the horse!
PHIL: It's different languages.
I mean, entirely.
- Oh sh*t! A public shaming!
- Oh, cool.
Ow! Ooh! Aah! That one hurt.
- Hey, Phil, Mike!
- PHIL: It's Andy!
- MIKE: Hey!
- PHIL: Andy, what'd you do?
Oh, you guys know me,
always saying the wrong thing.
Anyhoo, it's you two
that should be in here
after last night, you crazy bastards!
We don't remember anything
that happened last night.
And we don't know where our car is.
Have you seen our car?
Do you know where our car is, Andy?
It's a Kia Soul.
Keep walking, boys!
No talking to the prisoners.
MIKE: All right. Stay
strong, all right, Andy?
Yeah! I'll see you guys
later, like if a... Ow!
Oh sh*t! Dude, there's the red curb.
That's where we parked. Yeah.
This is where it is. Okay.
Hm. Well, I don't see your car anywhere
which begs the
copyright-free question...
Bro, where's my vehicle?
- Where's your vehicle, bro?
- Where is it?
I think it'll be a fun little sendup.
- Nice.
- Oh, empty your pockets.
- Maybe we got clues.
- MIKE: All right. Okay.
- PHIL: Oh sh*t!
- MIKE: What do you got?
A used bacon-flavor condom wrapper.
- Hey.
- Somebody got lucky!
Oh, check this out.
- Polaroid of a hot babe?
- Whoa!
- Uh... All right!
- Mikey got lucky, too!
Wait. What's that bulge
in your other pocket?
A yo-yo. Yeah, like a sick yo-yo.
- That's pretty cool.
- Let me see if I can walk the dog.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Actually
that term is speciesist now.
- "Walk the dog"?
- Yeah, it's "Strolling the cylinder."
- MIKE: Hmm.
- Oh, I got one last one.
- A napkin from a nightclub.
- Hmm.
- A place called Balaban's.
- Clearly, we had a crazy night.
- Why would you use a tampon for that?
- No, I know.
- Is that Tia and Lillie?
- From high school,
but we're still friends
with on Facebook.
Yeah. Maybe they know where my car is.
Because it has a string
and it seems fun.
Like, maybe if it was fluorescent.
- Oh, that's cute!
- PHIL: Lillie, Tia!
MIKE: Hey, Tia, Lillie!
What's up, ladies?
- MIKE: How we're doing?
- Oh, it's Mike and Phil.
Oh my God.
Or Phil and Mike,
whatever's easier to say.
Everybody have a good Green Day?
Yeah, we were with you last night.
- You guys were with us last night?
- TIA: Yeah.
By all means, don't skip
a single detail, baby.
Okay, so you both
showed up at Balaban's.
- Great. Nope, not great.
- You started crying. What did they say?
- The cover charge...
- "Ated" all your money.
You both then "butt-chugged"
bottles of rosé.
You guys even held hands
at one point and said...
BOTH: "It's like we're married!"
- That doesn't sound like us.
- I'm not too sure...
You kept making the joke,
"Why did they call it
a trash compactor
and not my ass compactor?"
- It's not a good joke.
- It doesn't make any sense.
What about this used condom wrapper?
You were so hungry
that you started chewing
on your bacon-flavored condom
despite many of us
offering you actual food!
You promptly swallowed
the condom and choked,
- like, say, a baby would.
- Like a f*cking baby.
I do that sometimes.
But what about this
Polaroid of this hot babe?
- No. That's Dr. Magholis Gupta...
- Oh my God.
...the medical professional
that saved your life.
- TIA: See?
- PHIL: There's little Philly.
They gave Mike a toy yo-yo
because he wouldn't stop crying
and bumming out all the cancer kids.
- I want a yo-yo.
- Get off me! It's mine!
They gave you a yo-yo, Phil,
but somehow you swallowed it,
again, like a baby would.
- Down the hatch.
- We left you both at the hospital
and drove your car back to Balaban's
to kiss cooler boys like Shawn, Hakim,
and Loren Bouchard, the creator of...
BOTH: Bob's Burgers!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- PHIL: I'm a big fan.
In summation, you both are losers.
There was no mystery to unravel.
Your car is at Balaban's.
The coat check has your keys.
It's that simple.
- TIA: Goodbye.
- BOTH GIRLS: Bye.
- All right, ladies. Talk to you later.
- Peace out!
Did you say, "How we're
doing," to start it off?
I did.
- I'm gonna call a RUber.
- I'll Venmo you half.
Cool. Just remember. I
don't want to remind you.
- Okay. Sure.
- (PHONE DINGS)
Oh! Someone should be
arriving right now.
Mike? Mike? You call for RUber?
- PHIL: Stop screaming.
- Which one Mike?
- Right here, sir.
- Mike, get in RUber.
- PHIL: We're together.
- Get in RUber!
MIKE: Great. Thank you, sir.
(BURPS) Do you have an aux cord?
No.
Do you have baby water
bottles that I can drink?
No, I don't have baby waters.
Get in, bitch.
- f*ck you, bitch! Give me gum.
- Phil, come on.
f*ck you! Get out of my RUber!
f*ck you! Get out
of my country, m*therf*cker!
- Whoa! Dude, you can't say that!
- DRIVER: What?
- PHIL: I'm sorry.
- You're f*cking up my score.
Sir, I am so sorry.
Just send us on our way.
and it will all be great.
Yeah, hold still.
- DESTINATION: Balaban's?
- (BEEPS)
(LAUGHS) No, I don't think so.
♪ ♪
(GRUNTS)
Where the f*ck is Balaban's?
- Dude, is this even Rat Town?
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
MIKE: Oh sh*t. I don't have any service.
- Oh, that's not a good sign.
- There's a kiosk over here.
Let's go look and see where we are,
- we'll get a sense of things.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, there's Rat Town...
- Where we need to go.
- Ye Olde Horseburg
- MIKE: Mm-hmm.
- Squirrel Square.
- Right.
- Dog Centre.
- MIKE: GrabbagVille?
(PHIL SCOFFS) f*cking hate
those g*dd*mn Grab Bags.
PHIL: Pigeon Heights. Unclaimed Areas.
The Democratic People's
Republic of Kitty City.
- Dude. Aw, dude.
- f*ck, dude! sh*t.
I didn't know we RUber
into here without a Visa.
- I only have a MasterCard.
- Shut up. Keep your voice low.
According to the map,
we go three blocks that way
- we're outta Kitty City.
- Okay, okay.
Just be cool, we'll be okay.
I wish Scottie Pippen was here.
We all do, Phil.
(SCREECHING)
(CAT MEOWS)
- (CANS CLATTERING)
- (GULPS)
- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- (CATS MEOWING)
Oh sh*t, sh*t. Hi!
Hey! (CHUCKLES) Do you
know how to speak cat?
Uh...
(STAMMERS) Me-Meow?
- (SCREECHES)
- Oh God! Didn't work!
PHIL: Oh sh*t. What do we do, dude?
(WHISPERS) Mike, Mike,
stroll the cylinder.
Gleaming the Cube?
Are we doing a movie game?
Stroll the cylinder, walk
the dog, your yo-yo!
- Oh sh*t. Right, okay.
- Distract them!
Okay, okay. Come on, Mikey.
Eh... ha!
(CATS MEOW)
Dude, it worked! You still got it.
It's just cool 'cause I practiced a lot.
Oh f*ck, they're coming back!
- (SCREAMING)
- (CATS SCREECHING)
Huh?
(YOWLING)
PHIL: Oh f*ck! We're trapped, dude!
sh*t, man! This is it, dude!
- Shut up! (KISSING)
- What are you...?
- Why? Come on.
- We're gonna die.
- Why would we kiss if we're gonna die?
- You know you want to.
No. There's a sewer right here.
Let's go in the sewer.
They can't get in the sewer.
- Okay. Fine, fine!
- Is this gonna be weird now?
- No... Oh sh*t! They're coming! Go, go!
- (SCREECHING)
- MIKE: Jump, jump!
- PHIL: I love you, Mike!
- (BOTH GASPING)
- PHIL: Holy sh*t!
(LAUGHS) Oh my God!
That was scary but sick.
- That was sick.
- That was sick.
Whoa, dude, we're in the sewers.
MIKE: Our old home.
Check it out, our old tag.
Remember Principal Little d*ck?
I think he k*lled himself?
I've assumed he did himself in.
I think most principals
probably do that.
Right. Yeah.
- (WATER SLOSHING)
- PHIL: Hold on a second.
Do you hear something spooky?
- MIKE: Oh my God, dude!
- PHIL: Oh my God!
What is that?
Is that a f*cking dinosaur?
PHIL: f*cking dinosaurs are back!
- (HISSES)
- Whoa, watch out!
It's another f*cking dinosaur!
- Maybe if I try to speak to him?
- Yeah, do it.
Hiss-aah!
- (HISSES)
- PHIL: That didn't work!
- Okay, didn't work.
- This is it, Mikey.
- (KISSING)
- MIKE: Don't kiss me again.
- PHIL: I can't not.
- (BOTH SCREAM)
MIKE: Are we in purgatory?
PHIL: Man, I thought I was
a shoo-in for heaven!
You know what? This is
NYU all over again.
You don't want to go to NYU, seriously.
It's all bougie.
You lucked out.
It's true, but The State went there.
Sure, but in the ' s.
It's different now.
(CLANKS)
- Oh!
- Okay, it's heaven.
- We're in f*cking heaven, dude.
- This is f*cking heaven.
- BOTH: Sick!
- PHIL: Whoa!
Who are you two dudes, all right?
BOTH: We don't want any trouble. Okay?
Oh. Okay. So they're just diving
into a big, fat old joint.
- MIKE: Wow.
- I don't really smoke.
- Phil, can I speak to you over here?
- Yeah, sure.
Dude, I think this is a peace
pipe offering situation,
where if we don't accept it,
they'll look down on us.
PHIL: And they saved our lives.
- They saved us.
- Okay, cool.
You know what, dudes?
Light that m*therf*cker up.
- MIKE: Let's do it.
- Let's hit this sh*t.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHS) Yeah, dude!
- Yo. Yo.
- Yo, Philly's fu...
Oh sh*t. Yo, Phil.
- (RATS LAUGH)
- Dude. He's good!
Yo, I thought you
like d*ed for a second.
- PHIL: I did.
- You did?
- Dude!
- You d*ed? What was it like?
- Tell us!
- I saw God...
and She did not like me!
- Yeah, dude.
- MIKE: It's a she! Beautiful!
Yo, your dude's DVD collection
is f*cking savage, dude.
f*cking Simon Birch!
Simon Birch, dude!
Oh my God!
Doesn't he look like
Reptar from Rugrats?
Look at him, you know
what I'm talking about?
You f*cking look different too.
You look like Patton Oswalt.
MIKE: Stop looking at me, though.
- I'm so f*cking high.
- I'm really high too.
Call a RUber, and we should go.
Like seriously, dude.
Yeah, all right. My phone's missing.
But you had it when
you came in here, right?
I definitely had it.
Luckily I have my backup.
Wait, you have two phones?
What are you, a drug dealer?
- Yeah.
- (PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)
That's... that's pretty cool. Huh? Oh.
One sec here.
I think you're sitting on...
No, dude, check it out!
He's got all our sh*t...
my wallet, my ChapStick.
I told you, man, you
don't trust other species!
I know.
These f*cking guys got
us high so they could rob us!
Bunch of bullshit! That's probably how
they got all this cool
sh*t in their house!
Grabby little finger m*therf*ckers!
Now we're all high and having
to deal with a robbery.
- I mean, screw you, Reptar!
- PHIL: f*ck off.
You were a concept
within another cartoon.
- You weren't even your own thing.
- You're a fictional character
inside of a fictional universe.
Think about that!
That's what I told you, man.
Rats take care of rats.
We opened up and look what
happened, they robbed us.
- MIKE: Yeah. Whoa.
- Holy sh*t.
An entire Toys Is We untouched!
BOTH: Let's go!
- (SINGING)
- Ginny and Diana, I gotta say,
- this is really a pleasure.
- Where to, Mr. Luciano?
How about somewhere a little dark?
Set the mood a little bit.
How about the Halloween section?
There's a lot of cobwebs over there.
- The Halloween section sounds great.
- Maybe I can get a mask
from the movie The Mask,
starring Jim Carrey.
I never saw The Mask, funny enough.
- What?
- Just not a Carrey guy.
I guess I'm more
of a Sandler man myself.
Okay, we're gonna put a pin in that
and come back to it later.
♪ ♪
This is actually, like,
super spooky for a Toys Is We.
Yeah, this is a little
freakier than I remember.
We should probably
get off and walk back.
Let's get off. Let's do that.
Ladies, ready?
How are you doing that?
- (HISSES)
- (YELPS)
- Oh, f*ck man.
- Oh my God, what do we do, dude?
PHIL: I don't know!
Try to say something!
What do spiders even say?
(BABBLES)
- (HISSES)
- MIKE: Oh no! He didn't like that!
Wait a minute.
They gave you a yo-yo,
but you swallowed it.
Maybe. Just maybe.
Wait!
Spiders, we may not look like you,
but there's one thing
that we have in common.
- (GRUNTS)
- (POPS)
Mikey, hold on, bud.
(LAUGHS) Okay!
I'm getting us outta here.
BOTH: Whoa!
Wow. This was such a good idea.
You're so smart, and, also, you've done
incredibly well for yourself
without having a dad.
Anyway, you should probably wake up now.
Wait!
Spiders, we may not look like you,
but there's one thing
that we have in common.
- What are you talking about?
- (GRUNTING)
Ah! (FARTS)
- Oh!
- Phil, what the f*ck are you doing?
Stop! This is f*cking disgusting!
(YELLS)
- (FARTS)
- (COUGHS)
- (PHIL CRIES)
- What the f*ck was that?
(WEAKLY) I seized the day?
Are you kidding me?
You just sh*t out a yo-yo.
PHIL: They're letting us walk out.
MIKE: Ugh, there are kid spiders around.
- I wanna go home.
- (GROANS) Classic Animals.
♪ ♪
PHIL: Well, that was
crazy, and I'm glad that
we're back in... Rat Town?
Why is everyone wearing hoods and sh*t?
Oh! Guys, hey, it's Principal Leif.
- Principal Leif from high school!
- Oh my God!
- Dude, we were just talking about you.
- You were?
- Yeah. We thought you k*lled yourself.
- We were sure of it.
Well, I annihilated
the person I was before
and replaced myself in my own space,
but it's not a suicidal thing.
- (WHISPERS) Divorce.
- Hey, by the way,
this is a strange place, Leif.
- Is this Rat Heights?
- LEIF: Mmm, almost.
- (CHURCH BELL RINGS)
- Oh sh*t, listen to that.
It's the unburdening ceremony.
Look at me, running my mouth.
Have you guys seen the orb yet?
- What orb?
- Oh, you gotta see the orb.
- MIKE: Orb?
- LEIF: Come with me.
Out of the way! These guys
haven't seen the orb!
- Make a path!
- Jeez! All right, all right.
- LEIF: Come on through.
- I'm going!
- MIKE AND PHIL: Whoa.
- There she is, boys.
- Her Royal Majesty.
- PHIL: What is that?
LEIF: We are, at this very moment,
standing in the epicenter
of where the Green b*mb
that k*lled all the humans went off.
My personal theory is that
whatever that green gas was
caused some kind of tear and
this beautiful orb was born.
- Hail the Orb!
- Shh!
Sorry, I get a little stoked sometimes.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my
God, oh my God, oh my God!
- MIKE: Who's that?
- LEIF: That's Yumi.
- Hi.
- Holy sh*t.
- What?
- Phil, High Priestess Yumi
- just called you to the stage.
- You gotta go.
- MIKE: Holy sh*t, dude.
- PHIL: I don't really wanna...
- Why are you excited?
- It's contagious.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Yeah, I got it!
I can climb up on a stage.
All right!
Wh-wh... what do you want me to do?
- Like, barf?
- LEIF: Unburden yourself!
Just say whatever you want!
It's totally chill!
Let go, man! Feels good!
High Priestess Yumi, Terry
Leif, big fan of your work!
Long-time cult member,
first-time meeting screamer!
Unburden myself? Um, I can do that.
I feel like I'm closed off from others.
I think 'cause I'm inherently
scared and ashamed
because I've been a rat in
a human world for so long.
But I... no, we are all on
the verge of being great.
You know after the humans d*ed,
we all scratched and scrounged
to build up walls, but maybe
there's a better way to live!
- MIKE: Hell yeah!
- LEIF: Damn straight!
And I don't see the appeal
of Jason Sudeikis!
- LEIF: That's a left turn.
- You know? He's just a dude.
He's not particularly
interesting at all.
And Marvel movies are entertaining,
I guess, if your life's unfulfilling!
And Netflix is an uncurated mess!
LEIF: That's gonna cost you some jobs.
PHIL: All of stand-up
comedy is nonessential.
LEIF: Okay.
Late night talk shows
are grown-up baby food.
- LEIF: Not a popular opinion!
- PHIL: And you know what?
Futurama was just okay...!
MIKE: Woo! That was sick!
I like Futurama though.
PHIL: What? Come on. Nothing?
Sort of b*rned a lot of bridges.
Uh, they can't understand you!
This is GrabbagVille!
- You're surrounded by Grab Baggers.
- (SQUEAKING)
Oh! God! Grab Bags?
You know what? When the
humans were around,
you guys were the g*dd*mn pets
while us rats were treated like garbage.
Come on, Mikey, let's get out of here!
MIKE: Rats take care of rats,
like Phil said earlier.
You know what? This shitty
ethnocentric mindset
is exactly why I left Rat Town.
It sickens me.
You rats are all so
vain and self-obsessed,
and you took over New York without
thinking about the other guys.
The little animals. These guys.
The Grab Baggers. Look at 'em.
Well, don't look at him. He's
eating one of his own kids.
Jesus. Could you take
that somewhere else
for two f*cking minutes?
That's what you're doing
while I'm defending you
in front of everybody?
You're eating your own blind kid?
Unbelievable. Okay, where was I?
Let them help you.
What is it that you need?
- MIKE: I mean...
- PHIL: A father figure?
- What were you gonna say?
- MIKE: I was gonna say my car,
just because we've been looking
for my car this whole time.
- Yep, stay on task. A car for us.
- (LEIF WHISTLES)
PHIL: Do you think they're
building us a car?
Do you wanna go to Qdoba after this?
- PHIL: Yes, of course.
- (BELL DINGS)
LEIF: Boys.
I believe you ordered one car.
- PHIL: Whoa, dude.
- MIKE: Oh my God.
PHIL: You all worked together.
- Take it for a spin?
- PHIL: These are just two grapes.
You stuff 'em in this spot.
(ENGINE STARTS)
- It's sort of a one-time deal?
- Well, you can get more grapes.
- PHIL: Okay. You wanna go home?
- MIKE: Let's do it.
PHIL: Thanks, Grab Baggers!
You're pretty cool, I guess!
LEIF: Remember what
happened here today, boys!
We work together...
different species united.
I'm dating a chinchilla.
It's g*dd*mn crazy here.
We all f*ck under the orb at night.
I'm just kidding about that last part.
The Grab Baggers can't understand
me, so I'm having some fun now.
All right, who wants to
build a f*cking water park?
- (SILENCE)
- (GRAB BAGGER COUGHS)
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (ENGINE PUTTERING)
♪ Birds fly around
while the dividends pay ♪
♪ Birds fly round while
I'm picking up change ♪
Whoa! Hey, f*ck you, thing!
- (MIKE AND PHIL SCREAM)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
♪ When you take me in ♪
(GASPS) There's your car.
MIKE: I see it, silly.
PHIL: We made it.
MIKE: We did it.
(PHIL MOANS) Ow.
- MIKE: I gotcha.
- PHIL: Ow.
(MUZAK PLAYING)
Phil, Mike, Mr. Balaban's expecting you.
Right this way.
- (PHIL SIGHS)
- MIKE: Ow.
- (MUZAK STOPS)
- (MIKE WHISPERS) Oh sh*t, dude.
I don't know about this, man.
I just want this to end.
Excuse me, hello?
- Dude, keep your voice down.
- No, I'm tired, Mike! I wanna go home!
Phil, Mike! Back so soon?
Oh my God, have a seat.
Would you mind grabbing some
hemorrhoidal cushions for these two?
I'd imagine after all the
buttchugging festivities last night
your nether regions are worse for wear.
Worse for derriere.
(CHUCKLES) Is that funny?
That's hilarious, Mr. Balaban.
(BURPS) All right, listen, dude.
We've had a long, long day.
We just need the f*cking keys
to our f*cking Kia Soul, all right?
So you gonna give 'em up or what?
- Balaban.
- What?
My name's not "dude," it's Balaban.
Did you see the name over the
door when you walked in?
- MIKE: Oh.
- Did it say "Welcome to Shitstain's"?
- MIKE AND PHIL: No.
- Did it say "Welcome to Fuckface's"?
MIKE AND PHIL: No.
Did it say "Welcome to
Dumb Hair, Shitty Face's,
- No Dicks Nightclub and Event Space"?
- (BOTH LAUGH) No.
No, it didn't, because
it's not your club.
It said "Balaban's"
because it is my club,
because I'm Bob m*therf*cking Balaban.
(BOTH YELP)
Seinfeld, Close Encounters,
a stint on Girls.
I'm in both the Wes Anderson
and Christopher Guest
camps, for Christ's sake!
- Bob, just give me the word.
- (g*n COCKS)
Whoa! Okay, dude. Don't
want any trouble, please.
Sorry, sorry.
Well, I'm sorry I lost my cool there,
but I hurt people if I need to.
You're not getting your car, boys.
This is the end of the proverbial road.
- Your car is mine now.
- BOTH: No...!
- But after like...
- All the different...
- The journey...
- The cats...
- And the spiders...
- The lizards...
- (LAUGHS) Remember the lizards?
- (LAUGHS) It was so good.
Well, unfortunately, you both
buttchugged bottles of
very expensive rosé
which needs to be recouped somehow, so.
- PHIL: All right, but...
- BOTH: Come on.
- (PHIL BURPS)
- BOB: This is Rat Town, boys.
We got a working economy and capitalism.
Heck, I got insurance,
and I got vendors,
and I need to pay them to
keep my f*cking club going.
We're not savages
like the other species.
We got it all figured out,
- so bye now. Bye now.
- WAITRESS: Bye.
Always great seeing you guys.
- Yeah, really fun.
- WAITRESS: We don't like you. Bye!
(FRUSTRATED SIGH)
- Bob Balaban has your car, Mike.
- He sure does.
- (DISTANT SHOUTING, RUMBLING)
- Well, can't go downhill from here.
- Can't.
- Do you hear a Jumanji-like rumbling?
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe an angry mob of sorts?
"An angry mob" is what I was gonna say.
Why don't we go and turn that way?
Huh? Oh.
It is an angry mob, and oh
my God, they're coming!
- Okay, whoa, whoa!
- PHIL: Listen! Listen!
- TIA: Yes! Phil and Mike!
- MALE: There they are!
- LILLIE: The buttchuggers!
- TIA: Those are the buttchuggers!
- ANDY: Put them in the stockades!
- MIKE: Take it easy!
PHIL: We paid for the bottles
of rosé we buttchugged.
- They have Mike's car.
- MIKE: Justice has been served.
No, it's how cruel you were
to that lovely RUber driver.
- It's gone viral!
- (BEEPS)
f*ck you, get out of my
country, m*therf*cker!
MIKE: It was the "get out
of my country" line.
- PHIL: I said that.
- You did, yeah.
You bunch of idiots.
It's my country too! I'm an American!
- Get 'em!
- Mike and Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(g*nshots)
BOB: Hey, guys. It's me, Bob Balaban.
I just heard what happened, so
I'm going to be handing over
the keys to Phil and Mike's
car to the RUber driver.
My own car?
- (BEEPS)
- (APPLAUSE)
Leave it to Bob Balaban to save the day!
Good ol' Bobby B.
Bob Balaban, you're not
only a character actor,
you're a rat with character!
- Oh. Wow, thank you.
- (RATS CHEERING)
- Give him applause.
- You're hot!
Thank you. That's great.
Okay, guys, you know the drill!
Head here and arms here.
- This feels about right.
- Yeah, I felt like
- we would end up in the stockades.
- Mm-hmm, %.
I mean this public shaming
stuff kind of sucks,
but it's better than getting
lambasted on the Internet.
MIKE: I think it's more
just straight to the point.
- PHIL: Ow! f*ck!
- Can I just say something real quick?
- I gotta get it off my chest.
- Sure. Ah!
You're seriously a Sandler man
over a Carrey man, right?
- Oh, %. No question.
- Adam Sandler?
- Adam Sandler has the better career.
- Who are you?
- MIKE: I can make the argument. Ow!
- PHIL: Ah! f*ck!
- MIKE: Let's get into it.
- PHIL: I will take you
to the highest court in
all the land about this.
- MIKE: Okay, fine.
- PHIL: You're flat-out wrong, dude. Ow!
♪ I don't wanna go where ♪
(MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)
Oh, you wanted more?
You want more Balaban?
That little taste wasn't enough? Hmm?
- Okay. Kick that sh*t.
- WAITRESS: Here we go, Bob!
♪ I'm m*therf*cking Bob Balaban ♪
♪ Walk around the block
with a glock in my hand ♪
- WAITRESS: ♪ Say what? ♪
- ♪ Yes, I'm m*therf*cking Bob Balaban ♪
♪ Got the d*ck that's the width ♪
- ♪ Of a soup can ♪
- WAITRESS: ♪ Now, now ♪
♪ I'm m*therf*cking Bob Balaban ♪
♪ I'm m*therf*cking Bob Balaban ♪
♪ f*cking with the BB ♪
♪ Gets you in a ditch, man ♪
♪ Animals, season tres ♪
♪ They k*lled the humans, not a trace ♪
♪ The kids are crazy ♪
♪ Like-like Sudeikis ♪
♪ They need their whip now ♪
♪ Get out of my way, bitch! ♪
♪ It's Balaban, b*tches ♪
♪ I'm m*therf*cking Bob Balaban ♪
It's Balaban, b*tches!
I thought that was pretty
good though, right?
I think we should send it
to Lil U*i Vert.
(MUSIC FADES)
03x01 - Rats
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.