(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
PHIL: What even is this, a peace sign?
That's a middle finger.
Oh. That's funny.
This isn't even a dinosaur.
Boys, sorry to intrude
on your chow time.
I think I left my pen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Umm...
It's the Pesci pen. Yes.
There you are, and God bless America.
Oh, God bless America, of course.
Yeah, yeah, we'll see about that.
Another Green Day
just went down in Los Angeles.
Who gives a sh*t?
Damn! There goes the next
season of Big Little Lies.
Oh! Witherspoon!
- (PHIL CRIES)
- No!
GENERAL: Really makes you think.
Are we, the government, in the right?
Or the Labcoats?
(MOUTHS)
Is it worth it?
- (DISTANT SCREAMING)
- (g*ns f*ring)
(SIREN WAILING)
- (NOISES STOP)
- Is she... Is she sleeping?
- (MAN SCREAMING)
- (SIREN WAILING)
- (NOISES STOP)
- All righty, boys.
Thank you for the pen.
(DOOR OPENS)
♪ And have a good day ♪
Mmm.
(DOOR SHUTS)
She just sang into the pen.
- Okay.
- What the f*ck?
They're watching us, man.
- Something is fishy.
- Something's definitely fishy.
And it's not these
dinosaur chicken nuggets,
because these are
percent white meat.
I don't know, dude. I'm spiraling, man.
- All right. Calm down.
- I'm freaking out!
- Mikey, come back to me.
- I got a lot of thoughts
- up in this thalum, dude!
- It's okay.
- (LAUGHS)
- Ah! What the f*ck is that?
That's what I'm getting at! It
doesn't even look like a dinosaur.
Hi, Mikey! It's okay to
go crazy, sometimes.
Choo-choo! (LAUGHS)
Oh! You know what you should do, Mike?
You should cut open Phil's neck,
because I bet on the inside
there's like Werther's candies.
I know you love them! I know you do!
Don't lie to Plonky!
You have one of these guys a day,
Mike, I haven't been to the
doctor once my whole life.
Can I just touch your neck real quick?
- Sure. Course.
- Just to...
- That is tasty.
- What is this?
This looks like two guys
in a donkey costume.
- Isn't that funny, dude?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, I can't even breath, dude.
As I was saying...
I was born in a prison
in Rahway, New Jersey.
Okay, what are we doing today, dude?
We're in sector , horses.
But first, you need to eat your greens.
MIKE: When you're right, you're right.
PHIL: What even is this?
You dare me to eat it?
Ugh! It tastes like pennies.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
synced and corrected by susinz
*www.addic ed.com*
♪ It's unsung ♪
♪ You're gonna have
to be on your own... ♪♪
♪ ♪
(BRITISH ACCENT) Hello, Eleanor!
A good day to be
a Top Hatter, wouldn't you say?
Money and class. Marvelous.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- God damnit, Georgie!
- (CLATTERS)
Slow down around the curves!
Oh. My name's actually
Philip, Mr. Budmeisner.
It's my first day on the job.
Georgie was actually fired for a DUI.
So when is it illegal
for a horse to walk drunk?
Actually, in the horse world, DUI stands
- for Diddled an Underaged Idiot.
- Oh!
(WHISPERS) Keep it down.
I'm dealing with
enough tittle-tattle as it is.
(NORMAL VOICE) Hurry back to the estate.
I've got a guest arriving soon.
Right away, sir.
♪ ♪
Ah, Mr. Budmeisner, sir.
Back so soon. And a
healthy glow on you, sir.
- You're a natural athlete.
- (BUDMEISNER SCOFFS) Morning, Trotts.
Oh, there he is!
How was the workout, Daddy?
Fifty push-ups. Four Crossfits.
Love working out. Just love it. (LAUGHS)
Hashtag fit life.
Wow. Never seen a horse
so beautiful my whole life.
- TROTTS: This way, sir.
- BUDMEISNER: Ooh. Yes, yes, yes.
Julia, come, come.
I've got a guest arriving soon.
Guest? (SCOFFS) Wait, wait, wait.
If I'm about to walk
into an intervention,
I told you that keyboard cleaner
was Trotts' and not mine.
I'm done huffing.
Trotts, you're such a f*cking narc.
Trotts is not a narc! I'm chill AF.
I love pizza bagels,
and-and-and sweet skateboards,
and keyboard cleaner.
♪ ♪
Oh. (LAUGHS) So witty.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Reading is p*rn, my dear.
Why not watch a movie or
a TV show or Internet p*rn?
- (HORSES NEIGH ON PHONE)
- Mmm, p*rn.
Oh, Daddy. (LAUGHS) You and your p*rn.
See, mother taught me to read.
So, in a funny way,
it's like I'm connecting to her.
Really? That's weird,
- because you know she's dead?
- Yes, I know that, Dad.
(CLAPS) More figgy pudding, damnit!
(MIMICS HORN)
- (DRUM ROLL)
- Sirs and madams of the homestead,
may I introduce to you,
Sir Michael Nickelobe-Ultra
Esquire the Fourth and a Half.
Yeah! (MIMICS HORN)
Wait. What's going on? What's happening?
(HOOVES CLOMPING)
♪ ♪
Hello, Julia.
(SCREAMS) What is that?
Oh, God. Sorry. (NERVOUS LAUGH)
That was so rude.
No, I... I didn't mean...
didn't mean it like that.
I was just, you know, surprised.
Uh, am I still talking? (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Someone k*ll me.
He's the well-to-do horse bachelor
of the shampoo tycoons.
The Nickelob-Ultras.
I figured perhaps
it would be-horse-hoove
the both of you to go on a first date.
Ha! Right now! Hee-hee-hee!
Julia, You're even more splendid
than your father described.
Uh, so, tell me about yourself.
Well, since taking over
my family business,
I've been trying to
provide low-income "horsing"
in rougher neigh-borhoods.
So refreshing to hear a Top
Hatter using his power for good.
(LAUGHS) Yes, but...
I'm certainly not afraid
to indulge my "desirees"
when I see something I want.
- And Julia, I want you.
- Well, we all have our vices.
Are you in to huffing?
- MIKE: Hmm?
- JULIA: Hmm?
- (CRASHES)
- JULIA: Oh, not a thing.
BUDMEISNER (WHISPERS): Just a painting.
Don't look over here.
I'm just a painting.
TROTTS (WHISPERS):
More figgy pudding, sir?
BUDMEISNER: Yes. (GRUNTING)
Julia, I know my appearance
might not adhere
to the typical definitions
of horse beauty.
JULIA: Oh, well.
But I hope you can see it's what's
on the inside that makes the horse.
Like Miles Teller.
You know, he's, like, ugly.
Well, you have a very warm heart.
- And a cool hat.
- (POPS)
- Oh! I can't see! Mommy!
- Oh. Sorry!
Who turned out the lights?
Oh, it was my hat.
It was a misunderstanding.
(BUDMEISNER LAUGHS)
Glad to see it's all going so well.
- MIKE: Yes. Quite well.
- BUDMEISNER: Ah, yes.
Julia it has been the utmost privilege
to spend the afternoon with you.
I thank you all so much for your time
and hospitality.
And with that, I bid you all adieu.
- (FARTS)
- BUDMEISNER: What? What was that?
- MIKE: Hmm? What's that?
- JULIA: Oh, my God.
- Somebody say something.
- That sounded like a fart.
I'm fairly certain.
I saw his paintbrush move.
MIKE: No, it f*cking didn't!
Okay, bye!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Okay. Take care, okay? All right.
Well, Julia Budmeisner,
you will be mine.
- PHIL: Hey.
- MIKE: What was that?
- Did you just say something to me?
- PHIL: I just said hey.
Like kind of a salutation,
but also we're horses,
so I guess it's a little funny.
- MIKE: Listen to me, boy.
- PHIL: Whoa.
Hay is not for horses,
and you refer to me as "sir,"
you filthy carriage horse.
- You think 'cause you're bigger than me.
- PHIL: Whoa!
All right, little guy!
Why don't you f*cking relax?
- Oh, now it's "little guy"?
- Oh, we squaring up?
- All right, come on.
- MIKE: I'll let you have it!
Oh, f*ck! I k*lled the little kid!
I'm so sorry, dude!
- Peekaboo, bitch!
- (SCREAMS)
MIKE: Don't you ever
f*cking talk to me again!
- You have brass hooves on, cheater!
- That's right.
- 'Cause I'm fancy as sh*t.
- TROTTS: Break it up here!
You're crazy! This guy's crazy!
- TROTTS: I'm sorry, Sir Nickelob.
- Whee...!
It's like an air hockey puck.
Ooh, I got you, sir.
- Oh. Hey, Motts.
- Up you go.
Here are your Cheerios and
here some games on me phone.
Thank you. (FARTS)
MOTTS: There he is!
Hello, Motts!
Hello, Trotts!
Who'd have thunk it, eh?
Two commoner best friends
from the poor horse south,
making it big working
for the Top Hatters.
- Yep.
- And we were orphans to boot!
TROTTS: Neither of us had any
family, so we became friends.
- MOTTS: But we've grown apart!
- TROTTS: Yes, sir! Two friends!
Unrelated friends till the end!
- TROTTS: Okay! Have a good day! Bye!
- Have a good day! Bye!
BUDMEISNER: So...
what did you think of Mike?
He seems... very nice.
It's just that I don't know
if I'm actually looking
- to get into a relationship right now.
- (SIGHS)
Julia, look over here.
For three years, we've held
horse power in New York City.
Which in horse years
is like three and half...
Three and half years, of course.
But it wasn't easy getting to the top.
- Many battles were had, lives lost.
- JULIA: Wow.
Is that JK Simmons?
Hmm? Sorry, dear. I was
just checking my p*rn.
Yes. Listen to me, Julia.
The Top Hatter class is crumbling.
In order to save the Budmeisner fortune,
we must consolidate
with the Nickelobe-Ultras.
So, no pressure.
But it is kind of a big deal.
The future of the family depends on it.
Good night, Papa.
♪ All I need in this life of sin ♪
♪ Is pudding and humping,
Pudding and humping ♪
- (DISTANT SIREN)
- (DISTANT ALARM BLARING)
♪ ♪
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Well, well, well. Look who it is?
How does it feel carrying
around the rich all day?
Oh, I'm pretty good. How does it feel
not being able to afford
bread for your kids?
OTIS: What the hell?
- PHIL: Ah. I'm sorry.
- OTIS: That's not cool, man.
I'm sorry. I took it
too far, right there.
You know, my daughter
Ashley has that hoof thing,
and Tiana's behind in math,
so who we had to enroll her in Kumon.
Listen, I'm sorry, Otis.
You're a traitor to Poor Horseville.
Working for them Top Hatters.
Otis, come on, dude. It's a job.
- We all need to work, right?
- Not me.
I'm gonna be an Instagram influencer.
Sell fake diet teas and stuff.
You're like a drunk dad.
You need to be a hot chick for that.
Don't be sexist, you weirdo.
It's not sex... Okay, I gotta get home.
- I'm tired.
- OTIS: There's a storm brewing!
All this Top Hatter,
working horse stuff.
It's an illusion. Follow me on IG!
♪ I know it's gonna be a strange time ♪
- ♪ Well, it can't possibly be ♪
- (GATE OPENS)
♪ Any stranger than the present ♪
All right, where to today,
Mr. Budmeis...
Not... sexy horse.
Uh, hey, Julia. What's up?
Mr. Budmeisner's daughter.
How are you doing?
You good? (CLEARS THROAT)
- JULIA: Just around the park.
- PHIL: Okay.
- JULIA: Anywhere really.
- PHIL: Sure.
♪ ...like a curse, and I thought
of it as a mountain there... ♪
- JULIA: Oh, great.
- Is it something good?
Sorry?
- PHIL: Oh, I just noticed you...
- JULIA: Right. Yes.
It's just a Grisham novel.
- Real, uh, page turner.
- Oh.
Do you read books?
Oh, my God! James Patterson.
BOTH: The lord of intrigue.
Wow. So you really do know your stuff.
Yeah, well, my sister
Grace has, like, a cool
underground book club with,
like, zines and patches.
So, I don't know. I guess I
picked up the habit from her.
I'm kind of a bookworm myself.
I'm actually trying to
write a book right now.
Yeah. But I'm trying to read
book, so I'm gonna do that now.
Note taken.
♪ ♪
All right. Here we are.
The Budmeisner mansion.
Yes. You'reth strange.
I haven'teth meteth a carriage
horse like you-th before.
I hashen't Metcalf a Top Hatter
liketh you-th, either.
- f*ck.
- JULIA: Cool.
- (PHIL CLEARS THROAT)
- JULIA: Okay.
Need I remind you, Julia.
You aren't to talk to
carriage horses, remember?
I can talk to whoever I want.
Mind your own business, Trotts.
- Bitch-ass hoe.
- TROTTS: I'm not a bitch-ass hoe!
- You are a bitch-ass hoe!
- I'm not! I'm not!
- Ow!
- What did you say to me?
- I'm a bitch-ass hoe.
- Say it again.
- I'm a bitch-ass hoe.
- Excuse me.
Mr. Budmeisner will be
hearing about this,
carriage boy!
MOTTS: Here comes the airplane.
- MIKE: Mmm! I love pudding!
- Ooh, I'm sorry, sir.
It seems that's the final
scoop of figgy pud-pud.
Why is there no more figgy pud-pud?
Oh! I'm so sorry, sir!
Well, you're gonna go into the
kitchen and figure it out,
because I'm the worst!
Oh, yes, sir! You are the worst indeed.
(SIGHS)
Julia.
My sweet, supple, Julia.
Hey, Motts! You piece of sh*t.
Listen up, okay?
Send an invite to Julia, at once.
I'd like to have her over
for supper tonight.
It is then that I will propose marriage.
But, sir. You... you've
only met her the once.
She will be mine...
if her father knows what's good for her.
- Hard cut.
- (FARTS)
What do you mean she was
talking to the carriage horse?
It seemed like Julia
and the new carriage horse
were hitting it off.
I don't like the sound of that.
You see, Trotts.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I married into the Budmeisner fortune.
It's all my late wife's money.
And once I took her name,
I scraped myself out of the lower class
and became the preeminent Top Hatter.
But after she passed, the fortune
was bequeathed to my daughter.
I, at the current moment, have nothing!
But once I marry Julia
to the Nickelobe fortune,
he will restore it all back to me!
It is a lot of exposition, isn't it?
Couldn't you just marry her
to someone you know and trust
and do the same thing,
like, I don't know, good old Trotts?
♪ ♪
(LAUGHS)
Have my daughter marry a
commoner such as yourself?
Sorry, Trotts.
Tell Julia she is forbidden from
riding in carriages with boy horses.
Yes, sir.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- (YAWNS)
I don't think I'm a bad guy.
I just want to have
enough money for my figs
and my p*rn site subscriptions.
I pay for p*rn!
Bad guys don't pay for their p*rn.
I'm a good horse.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Grisham would have
handled this scene better.
- (KNOCKS, CLEARS THROAT)
- JULIA: Hello?
- A gift, madam...
- JULIA: Ah.
...from the small horse
with the paintbrush farts.
JULIA: Oh. That's sweet.
(LAUGHS) That little weirdo.
Oh, and... and just
one more thing, madam.
Mr. Budmeisner thought
it would be prudent for you
to avoid riding in
carriages for some time.
- Bye, now!
- Wait, what? Why?
Oh... just... just 'cause.
More mean jelly bean.
It's because I made conversation with
someone who wasn't a
Top Hatter, isn't it?
- TROTTS: Honey, honey, please!
- "Honey"?
- Don't "honey" me, you g*dd*mn creep!
- (GRUNTS)
- JULIA: Fuckboy!
- Please, I'm an orphan!
I have nobody!
- You used to be chill, Trotts.
- I was.
We used to play "Call of Duty" together.
- We did.
- I bought weed off you.
- I'm not a narc!
- But now you're just a f*cking puppet
for my papa, you bitch-ass hoe!
Just piss off, Trotts.
- (TROTTS MOANS)
- (JULIA HUFFS)
♪ ♪
(SCREAMS)
Whoa!
That was sick.
Oh!
BOTH: You!
Oh, my God! You don't know
what you've done to me!
Holy sh*t, that James Patterson
novel got me jacked!
Hey! You checked him out!
Come on! Let's just go run around.
Wait, wait, I don't even know your name.
- I'm Phil.
- I... I'm Julia.
Just to be safe, you might
want to lose your tiara.
Yeah, well, f*ck this thing!
Ah! That's, like, four teacher salaries.
- That's fine. All right, let's go!
- JULIA: Okay!
Oh, my God! This place is amazing!
Poor Horseville is lit!
Oh, this is so much fun!
OTIS: Hey! No running!
Just kidding. Have fun, you two.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm in a better mood 'cause I'm drunk.
I love this place! I wish I lived here.
- Hey, pass the sh*t, man. Look, look.
- All right.
(INHALES)
Whoa! Huff rings.
I love huffing
and Poor Horseville! Woo!
My sister Grace is debuting
her new zine tonight,
- Do you want to go?
- I'm sure someone's gonna be selling
- Simpsons enamel pins.
- (CROWD CHATTERING)
Phil! My brother Phil, everyone!
Hey, that's my sister Grace.
- And this is Julia Bud-Bud-Bud...
- Julia... Budbutt.
Budbutt. This is
Julia Budbutt, everyone.
Hello, Julia Mudbutt. Please to meet ya.
I'll be down in a bit.
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (HORSES LAUGHING)
- PHIL: There she is!
- GRACE: Take a copy, pass 'em round.
- PHIL: Oh wow! It's finally finished.
- GRACE: Yeah.
Grace has been working
on this for a long time.
- JULIA: Really?
- GRACE: You, my little brother,
you're the linchpin in the whole plan.
- I love you, brother.
- (PHIL CHUCKLES) All right.
- GRACE: Come here and give us kiss.
- PHIL: Okay.
- Hey. Get off me.
- JULIA: Aww.
Yeah, and now I feel... I'm gonna
hang over here for a bit.
(TROTTS WHISPERING)
Motts. Are you there?
(WHISPERING) Yes, Trotts.
I'm here. Over.
Motts. What do you want to be
when you grow up? Over.
A baseball player. Over.
Me too. Over. Oh.
- Hey, Motts?
- Yes, Trotts?
I think I've got
a crush on Melissa Bukowski.
Well, you should totally tell her.
No, I think she'd rebuke me.
No, I think she's real into you, Trotts.
I've seen her looking at you.
She's giving you the old glad eye.
- You think?
- MOTTS: Yeah.
JULIA: I have never had
this much fun in my life.
- Except most of college.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
But as of recent memory,
tonight was pretty dope.
Uh, I think you're really cool, Julia.
I think you're really cool too, Phil.
(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
- PHIL: Oh, my God.
- (JULIA LAUGHS)
I'm gonna do it. That's cool, right?
- JULIA: Yeah.
- PHIL: Okay. (KISSES)
- (JULIA GASPS) Woo!
- Holy sh*t!
- (JULIA LAUGHS)
- Oh f*ck! I was so scared.
I don't normally actually do that.
I feel like I'm gonna f*cking throw up.
Yeah. Well...
- PHIL: Just kidding.
- I'll let you do that.
- (PHIL CHUCKLES)
- Have a good night.
Cool... Phil.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(GRUMBLES)
Carriage horse. What is this?
"Blood in the Streets." Interesting.
Well, maybe Mr. Budmeisner
might... Oh, God!
Motts, get the BB g*n! (SCREAMS)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (WHISTLES HAPPILY)
- (FARTS)
- (PHIL CHUCKLES)
Once around the block again?
You know, Julia, last night
was really, really special.
- I'd love if I could...
- MIKE: Charge for the phone?
PHIL: Weird follow-up question.
PHIL: No, I... I don't have a USB
input or anything like that. Sorry.
- MIKE: That's a shame.
- Why is that?
- (MIKE YELLS)
- PHIL: Ow! Ah!
(GASPS) It's you!
Julia doesn't love you!
Get that through your thick dumb skull!
MOTTS: Tie him up! Clop, clop.
Did anyone else see that
commoner att*ck a Top Hatter?
- What a d*ck!
- A total d*ck!
And the Top Hatter
is a little horse, too.
- HORSE: Mm-hmm.
- MOTTS: So f*cked up.
Hey, Motts, make sure
my black eye looks real, okay?
Yes. Look up, Michael. We need to
get under your eyelashes. Perfect.
Do you think Trotts could
sleep over after this?
Uh, did he ask Mr. Budmeisner?
I... I don't know.
No, I don't think it's a good idea.
- Why?
- MIKE: It's late. I don't think so.
MOTTS: He just got Mario Kart.
- I said no!
- Oh...!
Out of me way! Get out of me way!
Sirs and madams of the homestead,
may I introduce to you,
Sir Michael Nickelobe-Ultra
Esquire the Fourth and a Half,
and he's severely injured.
I'm injured!
- Oh, my God! Get him off the carpet.
- Oh. Sorry, madam.
JULIA: Bleeding all
over the bloody carpet.
He is bleeding rather
a lot. I'm so sorry.
How about if I put him in
this bowl made for cereal?
- There he goes.
- JULIA: Are you all right?
Who did this to you, Mike?
Your hemp-smelling, hippy
revolutionary driver, Phil,
- b*at me to a bloody pulp!
- JULIA: Phil wouldn't do that!
Especially not to a tiny little midget!
Okay, the "M" word. What...
what's going on here?
- Are we all glossing over that?
- JULIA: Sorry.
- It's a stressful time.
- MIKE: This is not cool.
No, I know. Just move on, move on.
MIKE: Okay, okay, okay.
Anyway, he screamed about
some plans that he gave you.
He only gave me a zine, but he didn't...
Yes. Here it is. What's this?
No! No, no, no.
Phil and Grace are good horses!
Good horses who want your father dead!
Oh, my God.
It was all a ruse?
Phil didn't actually
care for me, after all.
Look, I understand.
You're in a rebellious period.
Heck, one time in college I took a train
to Hoboken to see Guster.
But look, us and them,
we are just different.
(CRYING): No.
BUDMEISNER: The common
horses are just lesser than.
Thank you! That's what I was gonna say!
- BUDMEISNER: They're ding-dongs.
- MIKE: They're ding-dongs!
Were you gonna say ding-dongs?
- MIKE: I was!
- BUDMEISNER: Say it after me.
- BOTH: Ding-dongs.
- (KISSES)
- BUDMEISNER: Trotts!
- Yes, sir?
This piece of literature
constitutes crime.
Send the guards to arrest
this Grace horse of sorts.
And see to it that Phil is
rounded up, as well.
On it! Additionally, I was wondering
if I could sleep over
at Motts's house tonight.
I just got... you know what?
Bad time. Okay, heading out.
(FARTING)
So gay.
TROTTS: Freeze, you mothers!
We've got you now!
- The place is surrounded!
- OTIS: sh*t! It's the clops!
Everybody run!
TROTTS: Grace, you are
hereby under horse arrest!
Trotts, you fuckboy!
Guards! R-r-r-round them up!
MIKE: Take her away!
GRACE: Why is that angry baby in charge?
Get him out of here!
Phil! Phil! Where's my brother!
OTIS: Phil! Phil!
Whoa. sh*t. Phil, are you okay?
Mike and his cronies, they b*at me up.
Yeah, same here. Thanks for asking.
Grace is in trouble! They're
taking her to town square!
It's doesn't look good.
What do you mean, dude? What the f...
But I have some good news!
What... what is it?
What's the good news?
It's the craziest thing.
I tried doing a backflip off a
beer pong table last night,
and I fell pretty hard.
The video got posted on one
of those drunk fail Instagrams
and I got a lot of traction from it.
Otis, we have to go save Grace!
Come on, man! Lets go!
Right! Let's go!
Brothers and sisters. Today,
my voice will be silenced,
but they cannot stop
the wheels of revolution!
Grace! No!
- (expl*si*n)
- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
What was she gonna say? Revolu... what?
This is so sad.
Hey, guys.
You're watching Otis's IG live.
I'm getting a lot of
sad emojis right now.
Also, we're gonna be doing
a meetup at the grocery store.
I'm gonna purposely spill some milk.
It'll be hilarious.
♪ Took you to the corner ♪
♪ Of a northeast bar ♪
♪ Kissed you good night ♪
♪ Once or twice in my car ♪
What the f*ck? Am I in Rat Town?
(BELCHES)
Excuse me, little white and Grey rat.
Do you know how to
get back to Ye Olde Porsburb?
(EMPHATICALLY) Ye Olde Horsburb?
(SQUEAKING)
All right, I'm going. f*ck you!
We should have been the premier episode.
♪ Love is just keeping a tab ♪
♪ Love is just sharing a cab ♪
(HORSES CHATTERING)
Looking sharp, me good fellow.
And a tip of the hat to you, sir.
Did you bring a date?
No. Melissa Bukowski said no.
(BOTH NEIGH SADLY)
PRIEST: Wow. Look at this wedding.
This is the sort of wedding
where I'm really at my most comfortable
because I am a rich priest.
This collar is made of elephant tusk.
PRIEST: And I know that's
a little f*cked up.
But when you're rich, you get
away with some f*cked up stuff.
- Am I right?
- Budmeisner: Oh, this man is funny!
Let me hear you, Top Hatters!
Who likes being rich here?
♪ I'm gonna marry, Julia!
I'm gonna marry, Julia! ♪
- ♪ It's gonna be fun! ♪
- (MUTTERS) Oh God,
take me to the glue factory. f*ck.
Okay. Well, I gotta be honest with you.
This is my favorite part of any wedding,
and I feel like it really
applies here, for some reason.
But, let me ask it.
I know you're waiting for it.
Does anyone object to this union?
(MUTTERS) Just need to get through this
part without anybody saying anything,
and we're all good to go.
- (SHOUTS) Julia!
- (BUDMEISNER MUTTERS) f*ck!
- (JULIA GASPS) Phil!
- (PRIEST GASPS)
Oh. I object.
Oh my goodness! It's an objection!
And not any objection. It's Phil!
Come on, everybody! Push! Push!
Oh, you know what?
It's actually unlocked.
You can just walk right in.
- Go! Move it!
- (HORSES NEIGHING)
♪ ♪
(NEIGHING)
Oh my. It's a Trojan man!
The piñata was a Trojan man!
How did we not see that coming?
Trotts! I've been
looking all over for you!
I have incredible news.
I took one those ancestry
tests, and we're brothers!
So we do have a family!
Each other! That's so cute.
So cute. Let's topple the Top Hatters
and then have a sleepover every night.
Trotts! Fight 'em off,
you stupid, glue-for-brains nobody!
Bitch-ass hoe.
Oh, Trotts!
- BUDMEISNER: Come on.
- MIKE: No, no!
Looks like we're
all out of options, Mikey,
so I'm gonna get out of this
the best way I know how.
Here we go now. Ah!
Oh, I feel it bubbling!
I had two LaCroix!
- (FARTING)
- (LAUGHING)
Yes, it's working!
(FARTS) Ow!
All right, here they come.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Papa, I refuse to marry this manchild.
Yup, that's fine my dear.
Anyway, if you don't mind,
I'll be watching my p*rn. Violins!
(NEIGHING)
(LAUGHS) That didn't hurt
a bit, 'cause I'm drunk!
Get out of the way! (GRUNTS) Phil!
- Hey, Julia!
- Hoof slap!
- Oh! f*ck! It's so hard.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, were you really
going to k*ll my family
- you f*cking dickhead?
- (PHIL MOANS) No!
God, every dude horse
is a lying piece of sh*t.
I'm going back to chicks after this.
Listen, Julia. I promise you,
I had no idea how extreme
my sister's intentions were.
(KISSES) What do you say
we start a revolution?
(BOTH YELL)
PHIL: And as you can see
here, we've got depicted
the great Budmeisner Class Wars.
As we all know,
that was a big turning point
in transforming Ye Olde
Horseburg into the new
egalitarian, equestrian New Horseburg
that we know and love today.
FOAL: How long ago was all this?
Uh... from today? Like two months ago.
Is that Stanley Tucci?
Yes, Billy.
Does anyone else have questions?
All right, Budmeisner.
Have a good night, man.
(NEW YORK ACCENT) That's right.
It's me, Mr. Budmeisner.
So much time has gone by,
I lost my accent.
I'm sweeping floors now. I'm having fun.
That's my storyline. See ya!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
MIKE: Hip, hip, hip.
Put your pounds in me hat,
- and I'll read you a poem.
- PHIL: Is that...?
Hey, you... you were the guy that
was about to marry Julia, right?
The little dude, and we kept
getting in fights with each other.
You were the carriage horse
who stole my woman from me.
- PHIL: Yeah.
- MIKE: How is she?
- Who's that?
- Julia.
Julia... Roberts?
Julia. The girl...
the girl that we were both...
from before that I was engaged to,
- and you were ruining things?
- Oh, Julia Budmeisner!
Exactly. (CLEARS THROAT)
Julia Budmeisner.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We broke up, like, a few days
after the big Budmeisner w*r.
Wow. Okay. No, that's... okay.
- PHIL: Mm-hmm.
- MIKE: I just... I hope she's doing well.
You know what? She's dating the
bassist for Mac DeMarco now.
Is that impressive? I don't...
I feel like Mac DeMarco's
kind of a small indie thing.
PHIL: No, They actually, like,
sell out pretty big venues.
- MIKE: They do?
- PHIL: Yeah, they got this...
synced and corrected by susinz
*www.addic ed.com*
♪ Don't know what the f*ck
they talk about... ♪
- PHIL: Can I ask you something?
- MIKE: No.
You remember Clueless?
- The movie?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know, like, the party scene
when Donald Faison's character...
- The guy from Scrubs? Yeah.
- The guy from Scrubs, yeah.
He's getting his head shaved...
- Yeah.
- ...and then Stacey Dash comes in,
and she yells at him?
And she's like, "I'm gonna tell
your... I'm gonna call your mom!"
MIKE: That wasn't a
plot point or anything?
No, it just happens,
and she yells at him for it.
Maybe, during sh**ting,
he went away and he shaved his head...
- Cameraman's like, "f*ck!"
- ...and they're like, "Jesus!"
"We didn't get the party scene,
Donald, you f*cking nut!"
Maybe he didn't realize. Maybe he
was new to the sets and all that.
You're just not eating that,
and I'm wondering...
- This?
- ...if you're gonna not eat it.
I'm going to. I'm having
fun talking with you.
- I get it, I get it, I get it.
- God!
♪ Seagulls just avoid ♪
♪ Talk about seagulls ♪
♪ They're running over ♪
♪ Some poor bald guy's head ♪
♪ And harps and electric guitars... ♪
03x04 - Horses
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.