02x04 - Mugato, Gumato

[bunniefuu]

[ALL BREATHING HEAVILY]

Shaxs has the gym in ,

but we should have
time for a quick round.

Ooh, you guys gonna go 'anbo?
Can I get in on that?

Sure! More the merrier.

Three months of midnight practice

- is finally gonna pay off.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Can't wait to see the look on her face.

Glad you're still into this.

I was worried maybe I came
down too hard on you last time.

Hopefully we picked up
a few of your moves.

Nothing like some friendly
Anbo-jyutsu to work up a sweat.

[BUZZER BLARES]

[GRUNTING]

Ha. We've been training
on the holodeck at night.

You might want to take
off the kid gloves.

Oh. Ah...

- Are you okay? I didn't mean...
- I'm great.

I can finally get in a real workout.

BOTH: Uh...

[BOTH CRYING OUT]

Oh, God. No, no, no, no!

[CRYING OUT]

Ah! Ah!

Put the kid gloves on!
Put the kid gloves on!

Shaxs! Help!

Don't worry about me, I'm early.

You've still got ten minutes.

- [BOTH CRYING OUT]
- [PUNCHES LANDING]

♪

♪

♪

Well, if raktajino makes you all jumpy,

then just switch to human coffee.

- Eh, I tried, but it's too weak...
- [GROWLING]

Shh! Did you hear something?

Ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah...

- [TWIG SNAPS]
- Ah!

- [ROARING]
- [CRYING OUT]

FREEMAN: Captain's
log, stardate . :

the Cerritos is en route to Frylon IV

to investigate the reported
sighting of a mugato,

a dangerous creature not
indigenous to this planet.

"Poisonous, carnivorous,
strength of ten men."

Huh, sounds like my ex.

I can't believe we pulled
another animal control op,

as if there weren't more
important jobs for us to do.

The bio-electrical signatures on Frylon

has made it difficult
to pinpoint life signs,

but with boots on the
ground, we'll find her.

Let's see, hmm, hmm,
hmm... What about...

a ten percent gratuity
on a biannual basis?

Hmm, worth considering...

- What up?!
- BOTH: Ah!

Wow, flinch much? Hey, work later.

Let's hit the phaser range.
I need moving targets.

This isn't work, we're
playing Diplomath.

And, we're at a crucial
point in the negotiation.

- We're both about to lose!
- Why is that good?

If both sides are equally unsatisfied

with the negotiation,
you can close the deal!

Ready for final offers?

_

- Eh, I don't like it.
- I guess I can live with that.

- That's a compromise!
- Oh, boy.

I'd say you guys should take
up a less-embarrassing hobby,

but it might be too late.

Honus! Can we get two more?

Yeah, maybe with some
pain reliever mixed in?

Ah, yeah. Not surprised
you fellas need a drink

after talkin' with that
powder keg friend of yours.

Huh? You talking about Mariner?

If'n that's her real name.

Haven't you boys ever wondered

how she's able to kick so much ass

and get away with whatever she wants?

Uh, 'cause her mom's the captain
and she practices kicking a lot?

Usually on us.

Workin' the bar, I hear a
lot of inside information.

Your friend is a specially
trained secret agent

for Starfleet black ops.

- Ha-ha-ha. Shut up, Honus!
- Yeah, right, okay, man.

I'm telling you, they made
her into a k*lling machine.

The perfect w*apon.

We spend all of our time with Mariner.

Pretty sure we'd know if she
was "the perfect w*apon."

Most of the time she's napping.

Of course she does. Captain's daughter,

friends with the softest
guys on the ship;

it's the perfect cover.

Haven't you ever noticed
that she seems to know

every fightin' style?

She is a master of Anbo-jyutsu...

Look, we may be soft,
but we're not gullible.

Just watch out. When her
back's against the wall,

that's when the training kicks in.

She's programmed to protect
herself at all costs.

All costs.

Okay, buddy, you heard wrong.

I bet they didn't believe the
rumors on the Atlantis either,

until it was too late,
and they were all...

MANAGER: Honus, could
you get back to work?!

Billups is still waiting
on his peach daiquiri.

Ah, keep your pips on, Billups.

- That guy's so full of it.
- Yeah, right?

As if Starfleet would ever
hide a black ops agent

- on one of their own ships.
- Yeah.

I mean, Starfleet Intelligence does it.

And Tuvok did it when
he infiltrated the Maquis.

And there were a ton
during the Dominion w*r.

But on the Cerritos? Yeah, right.

Yeah, right...

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Oh! Looks like we have a
spike in the subcortical.

Let's move, people!

I need cc's of desalinated
paviatic fluid.

On it.

Uh, technically, that's my patient.

Clear the area!

[MUTTERING]: That's fine. I...

Ensign Tendi, my office.

I'm sorry, Doctor, I know you said
I need to be more assertive,

- I just...
- Okay, okay, whatever.

This is a list of crew who've
avoided their annual physicals.

But why? The biometric
scan is non-invasive.

Some freaks hate being
reduced to a set of readings.

I need you to hunt them
down and scan their asses.

- You got what it takes?
- Yes!

Thank you for this opportunity.
I won't let you down.

So I was reading up on the mugatos.

Did you know they have
alternative pronunciations?

Mogatu, mugutu, and gumato.

Isn't that neat and inconsistent?

- Mm.
- Dude, I'm talking alien pronunciations here.

That's, like, your favorite thing.

- What's up?
- Check this out.

Mariner's record.

Don't tell me you actually
believe that bartender.

Mariner has served on a lot of ships.

Because she's always getting demoted.

Yeah. That's what she says.

Look. When she served on the Atlantis,

half the crew mysteriously vanished.

I'm sure it was just a reassignment.

A hundred reassignments?

Plus, there's nothing
in the logs about it.

Just one day, poof, all gone.

That is weird. You don't think
she had anything to do with it?

- Who to do with what?
- [BOTH SCREAM]

- [BOTH GASP]
- Whoa! You guys see that?

- [BOTH SIGH]
- What's got you so jumpy?

Just excited to see a mugato.

Oh, you would be. Just stay
out of my way down there.

Or else.

Aah! Or else what?

I don't know, we'll get
poisoned by a mugato.

You guys are so weird sometimes.

Shaxs, our sensors indicate
a storm moving in.

You've got less than minutes

before we lose comms.

Copy that, Captain.
You all got the briefing.

No weapons. These
mugutus are endangered,

and their genitals are
sensitive to phaser fire.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

All right, fan out.

This is where we detected
a gumato life sign.

Ah, what have we here? [SNIFFS DEEPLY]

- Mugato dung.
- Ew!

- Fresh. Tangy.
- [GAGS]

[SNIFFING]

RUTHERFORD: She doesn't seem dangerous.

I think we're being silly billies.

Even if Mariner was black
ops, which she is not,

that bartender said she'd only flip out

if her back was against the wall.

This is just one random
mugato, we're fine.

[GRUNTS]

Yo, it's pretty clear we're
going in the right direction.

You don't have to... [GAGS]

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Ferengi.

- [CHITTERING]
- [ROARING]

Clear them out, fools.

I need to show off
the fresh merchandise.

I'll take a dozen horns.
Are they horns or tusks?

They're whatever you want them to be,

as long as your latinum's gold-pressed.

They're harvesting these animals.

Boimler to Cerritos.

Look, they've got a signal dampener.

It's jamming this whole area.

Looks like we're on our own.

Just how I like it,
backs against the wall.

- I think we should retreat and...
- Let's move.

[BOTH GASP]

Starfleet!

Ferengi poachers, you are violating

the conservation laws
of Federation space.

Oh, this is Federation space?

I didn't know that. Did you know that?

Oh, thank the maker you're here.

I was being att*cked by these...

You were purchasing illegal horns.

Stand down and prepare to be searched.

Hey, no need for all this.
We're licensed businessmen.

Oh, really? You have a permit?

Yes, a permit to whip you!

- [BOIMLER SCREAMS]
- [ALARM SOUNDING]

[ROARING]

- MARINER: Mugato stampede!
- Take cover!

[ALL GRUNTING, ROARING]

[BOTH PANTING, GASPING]

- What do we do?!
- I don't know! Where's Shaxs?!

No! Aah...

It's real. She's going to k*ll us!

[BOTH YELLING]

RUTHERFORD: But there's
mugatos out there!

Yeah, but she's in here!

BARNES: Captain, we have an unknown ship

leaving the planet's orbit.

- One occupant.
- Hail them.

Leave me alone. I don't have any horns.

What? I just want to know if you
encountered our away team.

Not interested. Don't hail me again.

Wha... Put a tractor beam on that ship.

I think we need to have a little chat.

Captain, his ship... the
hull's integrity's failing.

What the... Emergency transport, now!

What in the name of...

My ship!

I said the tractor beam!

It was, Captain! At the
lowest tractor factor.

My whole life was on that ship.

What have you done?

[SOBBING]

We need to get out of range
of their signal dampeners,

put some distance between us and
Mariner, and contact the ship.

Was she eating Shaxs?

That's freakin' crazy,
man, that's just...

[GROWLING, ROARING]

- [BOTH YELL]
- Go!

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

[MUGATO SNIFFING]

[SHUSHES] Easy, mates.
You're safe with me.

Great. Uh, who are you?

I'm Patingi.

The renowned biologist?

I have five books on mugatos.

For real? Can you help
us get out of here?

Of course, mates.

I've been studying these beautiful
mooga-toes for years.

I'll walk you right to safety.

Oh, you're the best, Patingi!

I know. Come on. Stay low. Follow me.

[IMITATING MUGATO NOISES]

- Man, Patingi rules.
- Right?

[HUMMING]

H-Hi, Lieutenant! Sorry to bother you,

but it says here that
you haven't come in

- for your annual physical?
- Uh, I'm pretty busy.

I'll get to it when I get to it.

Well, actually, time is
of the essence, and...

I said I'm busy.

[SCOFFS]

- [PATINGI IMITATING MUGATO NOISES]
- Patingi,

are we gonna be in your next book?

Hmm? Oh, no, I don't write, mate.

I've read five books on moo-goes.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah, I figured I knew enough

to walk amongst them.

[IMITATING MUGATO NOISES]

- See? I'm like one of their own.
- [BOTH GASP]

- Aah! Patingi!
- Aah! Patingi! No!

- [BOTH PANTING]
- ♪

[BOTH CRYING OUT]

I'm really committed to fitness.

I spot Ransom, like, all the time.

We're really good pals.

Lemme get another... [GRUNTS]

Thank you for the DNA scan, Lieutenant.

Ooh, it says here you should
be drinking more milk

- because your bones are so weak.
- [LAUGHING]

Hey, don't listen to her,
I'm as strong as...

- [BONE CRACKS]
- Oh, God, my hip!

Stevens to T'Ana. Emergency transport.

- [CRIES OUT]
- [BONES CRACKING]

[BOIMLER AND RUTHERFORD GROANING]

[SIGHS]

If we ever get off this planet,

we'll have to turn in Mariner, won't we?

Yeah. Feels bad, reporting
anyone in Starfleet,

much less a friend.

Was she our friend? Or
were we just cover for...

- [GROWLING]
- Shh!

[QUIETLY]: Quick. In there.

[GROWLING, SNIFFING]

- [LOUD BANGING]
- Aah!

What are they doing?

BOIMLER: Oh, God, they're mating.

[MOANING]

- [SQUEALS]
- Ah...

- We're gonna drown.
- Come on, come on.

[MUGATOS GRUNTING, MOANING]

BOIMLER: Crap! Another one!

[ROARING]

BOIMLER: Oh, this could get violent

if he tries to assert dominance.

[CHEEPING]

[SNARLS]

[CHEEPING EXCITEDLY]

- Is he asserting?
- No. I-I think he likes to watch.

All right, who's next?

♪

[DEVICE TRILLING]

♪

[DEVICE TRILLING]

Huh.

Who are you?

Okay, they wore themselves out.

Ew, gross. Even the watcher.

Do you think the captain
knows Mariner's undercover?

BOIMLER: Probably her idea.

Oh, man, so the mom-and-daughter
thing was all an act.

- We were so stupid not to see it.
- Wait.

Watch it. Mugato trap.

- Hi!
- Aah! Run!

What the hell are you two doing?!

[CRIES OUT, GRUNTS]

Guys, quick!

The Ferengi are coming. You've
gotta get me out of here so...

So you can eat us, just like Shaxs?!

- What?!
- We saw it, Mariner.

Back there at the compound.

Shaxs was stung by a mugato!

Yeah, and you stabbed
him and licked his blood.

They really messed you
up good in that lab.

I had to suck the venom out! What lab?

We know what you really are.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, did you find out

that I'm a black ops secret agent?

- You aren't even hiding it?!
- Section !

I am not a spy, guys.

- Then how did you know?
- Because I started that rumor.

Yeah, right, more black ops lies.

No, really, that was me.

Look, I like having a mystique.

Even if we did believe you,

how do you explain the Atlantis?

Half the crew disappeared
with no explanation.

- Did you eat them?
- The Atlantis?

No, everyone got Kerplickian lice.

Of course Starfleet Command didn't
put it in the official records.

Do you know how embarrassing it is

to lose a starship to lice?

Why are you so good at martial arts?

Because it's a sport I
can practice on my own,

because on every ship,
I never have friends who...

Wait, you-you looked up my records?

You guys, you thought I
was an undercover k*ller?

Ow! What the hell?!

- Oh, I thought you just...
- Because before you did,

- and it was like you were a ninja.
- ... might catch the tricorder...

Yeah, but... That's all
it took is a lucky catch?

You shouldn't have started that rumor.

I mean, "k*ll anything in her way"?

Why would you want people to think that?

Because it keeps jerks away from me.

But I can't believe you guys
would ever believe that.

You're my best friends.

I-I think we believed because
that part made sense.

That a badass like you
wouldn't really be friends

with guys like us.

- Aw, guys, I... Oh, crap.
- [VEHICLE APPROACHING]

- It's too late. Hide.
- We're not leaving you!

The Ferengi got everyone
else. It's up to you guys!

But what do we do?

You have to be the
black ops super spies.

Kick their asses!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[DOORS OPENING, CLOSING]

Ah, what a catch. Take her!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

_

Any luck with those physicals?

I'm almost done, just one holdout left.

Really? I'm impressed, Ensign.

This last one, it's weird.

It's not even a name,

- it's just a serial number.
- Ah.

Well, probably just an
error in the system.

It's almost as if someone
erased their information.

Yeah, I mean, there's always one
that slips through the cracks.

We've wasted enough
time on this. Come on.

Ugh, I just really wanted
to finish this job for you.

Enough! Go back to your station, Ensign.

[SIGHS]

_

[GASPS] That number.

You're the last holdout?

[CLAPPING]

Congratulations. You got me.

I-I just don't understand.
Why not just get your exam?

You want me to see a
doctor? I am the doctor!

When I picked you for this job,

I was counting on you to give up.

Maybe the old Tendi was a pushover,

but a lot's changed since
slightly earlier today.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

- [SCREECHING, MEWLING]
- Get back here!

Bad Dr. T'Ana. Bad!

[SCREECHING]

[HISSES]

Mr. Hyde, while we
can't replace your ship,

I can offer you one
of our shuttlecrafts.

I think that's more than fair.

Hmm...

Uh, Captain, don't you think
Starfleet would frown on that?

We're helping a traveler in need.

We'll just tell them we lost
the shuttle in a black hole.

Wouldn't be the first.

Oh, I had so many personal
items aboard the Ladyjane too,

that could never be replaced.

We're talking rare antiques.

- Like what?
- Oh, an old model sailing ship,

a nautilus shell, bronze
pineapple, little Gorn doll.

These hold special meaning to me.

Well, I guess we have similar taste.

[SCOFFS]

[PAINED GROANING]

[CACKLES]

I wish Mariner was a super soldier.

Or if only we had special powers.

Wait, we do. I mean,
maybe not here, but here.

- Our skin!
- Our brains.

- Brains, right.
- It's our brains.

Brains are inside of our skins.

T'ANA: I treat over
different species on this ship.

I think I'd know if I'm healthy.

Then just let me scan you!

T'ANA: I don't need a second opinion.

[SHOUTS]

- [MEWLING]
- [GROANS]

My arm! It's broken!

Oh, nice, the old
"fake an injury" thing?

Yeah, I'm not gonna
fall for... Oh, [BLEEP]!

God, kid, I'm sorry. This is all my...

[TRILLING]

Got ya.

[GROANS WEAKLY]

Well played.

That was actually kinda quick.

I don't know why I made
such a big thing of it.

You know you guys can just
replicate stuff, right?

Like the-the stuff you buy with latinum,

you could just replicate.
You guys are dumb.

If we're so dumb, then how
did we capture you, human?

You guys are what, some creepy
throwback Last Outpost style Ferengi?

You ever heard of Quark?

Of course I've heard of Quark!

- [DOOR BANGS OPEN]
- ♪

Starfleet!

Hey, Ferengi! We've got a
little somethin' for ya!

May we present...

a cost/benefit analysis for
greater long-term profits.

What if I told you you could
earn % more latinum

with live mugatos rather than dead ones?

Stay your whip. What do you propose?

Well...

By ending the sale or
slaughter of the mugato

while putting an investment
in the conversion

of this place into more
of a mugato preserve...

Your long-term revenue
streams will come to include

ticket prices, merchandise,
concessions...

the whole gumato!

Oh, Mariner, wh-what's happening?

Those two beautiful, nerdy men
are negotiating us to safety

using the power of math.

[HUSHED CHATTER]

It is a more time-consuming effort

than our current operation,

but I can't argue with
the profit margin.

Though I don't love releasing captives.

Well, technically we really
should be apprehending you

for attacking members
of Starfleet, so...

If we're both unhappy,
that means we've reached...

- BOTH: A compromise!
- Compromise.

Mugutu venom can have latent effects,

so I'll need to check on you later.

In your quarters. [PURRING]

I just got my physical.

I could heal you all night.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Okay, people! It's go time!

No, I've got this! Gimme
cc's of space, all right?!

Now that's confidence.

You really showed me
something today, kid.

- Thank you, Doctor.
- But this isn't your patient,

so get the [BLEEP] out of our way.

Yes, Doctor.

Leaving the Frylon system now.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, you're gonna love this.

We made contact with a group

- of eco-friendly Ferengi.
- Really?

Apparently they're looking
to nurture abandoned mugato.

Setting up a whole preserve. Very noble.

That's outstanding. Oh, before you go,

you haven't had any
recent ship accidents,

- have you?
- Uh, no, nothing here.

Okay, good.

We've had some reports of a
scam being run in that sector.

Junk ship will
purposefully self-destruct

and try to pin it on Starfleet.

We'll be sure to look out for that.

Did you redecorate?
Something looks different.

- [LOUD BANG]
- [CRIES OUT]

Way I see it, you can either
pay for your crimes

in a Federation penal colony,

or we can pretend you never
pulled this little stunt,

and you can do some good for a change.

What do you mean, "good"?

_

We need to get all this dung out of here

so we can set up a gift shop.

We're going to be rich.

- [SIGHS]
- From now on,

we work for the mugatos.

This place has to be a horned heaven!

[HYDE SIGHS]

No, you only reveal
the graph at the end.

Well, can you inflate the numbers?

[LAUGHS]

- Wait, are you being serious?
- I guess not.

Sorry we thought you
were a secret super spy

who was ready to k*ll us, by the way.

In retrospect, it probably
would have come up before.

And I'm sorry I spread a rumor

and made you feel like
you weren't my equals,

because today you were the badasses.

I guess I kick ass one way,

- and you guys do it another.
- Thanks, Mariner.

So what is happening in this game?

Are we almost at a compromise?

No, not even close.

Do you even understand
how to play this at all?

I-I guess I don't.

I'm gonna go grab another round.

How is she kicking our asses so hard?

I don't know, but we gotta
make sure she never finds out.

What can I get you, Mariner?

Three of the same.

Hey. You see those two guys back there?

Those are the Mugato Twins.

Fought off a dozen mugatos barehanded.

Then they ground up their mugato horns,

snorted 'em, and
acquired strange powers.

Whoa. Well, your secret's safe with me.

MANAGER: Honus! Are you kidding me?

I needed those limes yesterday!

For real, man, if you don't
want to work at the bar,

don't work at the bar.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]

Chirp.