02x04 - Think Change

[bunniefuu]

Lee and I have
some issues to discuss.

Open or closed?

- Open.
- Closed.

He said to do closed.

You all are probably wondering
why I'm sitting with you.

Lee Russell is an assh*le.

- (LAUGHING)
- No sh*t.

He's got me substitute
teaching history class.

STUDENT: You even go to college?

(SCOFFS) Yes.
I went to college.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
What were your SAT scores?

(MOCKING) I think my SAT scores
are none of your business.

The teachers definitely hate you
and mock you at every turn.

NEIL GAMBY: King Ding-a-Ling?

MS. ABBOTT: So, I made it my wall paper.

(LAUGHING)

Woo!

LEE RUSSELL: I am the Principal.

Uh, I was supposed
to be Principal too, so...

Yes... But, then you got sh*t.

You were broken and
I brought you back.

BOY: Most mischievous foul sin...

What a life is this,

that your poor friends
must woo your company?

GIRL: A fool, a fool!

I met a fool in the forest,

a motley fool,
in a miserable world!

(dialogue continues indistinctly)

All right. Listen,
listen, listen, listen!

My good friend
Joni Mitchell once said,

"Laughing and crying..."
And shut up, Maggie!

"...is the same release."

(students chattering)

Think, think, think,
think, think, think.

GAMBY: Seychelles!

Seychelles!

Where are you, big boy?

Seychelles!

(singsongy) Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Seychelles.

Seychelles.
I see you in that red hat!

Get out here, right now!

Team-building is mandatory,
Russell says so.

Have a heart. I have all this
work to do, you know that.

Seychelles--
You don't understand!

You're not an artist!
Get the f*ck out!

(men shouting orders)
(clamoring)

WOMAN: Move it, ladies!

(clamoring continues)

If we are passionate, there is
nothing we cannot accomplish.

Power is speed and force.
Let's go!

These guys are working
the teachers like Hebrew slaves.

SweatDogs are the best team-building
company in the world.

They've even done it
for Japanese corporations.

(grunts, sobs)

Look at Seychelles's ass.

Flustered, sweating,
and looking like a bitch.

What are you doing?
Don't look at me.

Get up. We don't fall over.
Don't look at me.

On your feet, sir!

SEYCHELLES: I can't do it.
It's too heavy.

It's too heavy? Well, we've
identified the weak one.

The man in the infinity scarf.

That's how you keep
people in line, Gamby.

You push them to the limits.

That's enough.
He's trying his best.

Break them down to nothing.

I think you should get back to doing
what you were doing. Don't touch me.

And rebuild them into
whatever you want.

Pretty diabolical there, boss.

It's good to be the king.

(screams)

(theme music playing)

What I just witnessed:
the most obnoxious,

arrogant, out-of-shape
group of teachers

that I have ever seen in my life.

And we work with the Special Olympics!

Well, why do you think
I f*ckin' called you?

Huh? You got
your f*ckin' berets.

You got your t*nk tops.

Isn't it to whip people into shape?

WOMAN: Don't worry, don't worry.
We like to implement

involuntary reeducation
of basic beliefs and values

to adjust to your
institution's philosophy.

Hmm. So brainwashing.
It's not brainwashing.

We call it...
Think-change.

Shawn came up with that term.

I used to be fat as f*ck,

but I had to change
my lifestyle and my mindset

to get jacked and pumped.

Think-change.

You, my friend, are f*ckin' cool!
You're damn right.

(knock on door)
What, Janice?

Can't you see I'm talking
to these SweatDogs?

Oh, I'm very sorry to...

interrupt. Then why
are you interrupting?

Your wife called,

and, um, it's urgent.

So, what's the
emergency, Russell?

My father passed away.

Aw, sh*t.

I'm sorry, Russell.
Were you guys close?

No.

He was a Navy captain,
my daddy.

A f*ckin' man's man.

(sighs) He showered my two older
sisters with all the affection.

They grew up to be tomboys,

interested in sports and cars.

He was always more proud of
them than he ever was of me.

That's tough.

That's real tough.

I know how it is.

Really? Your father was an assh*le
who looked down on you too?

I mean...
not really.

Actually, he supported me
in all my endeavors,

was there for me pretty much
every step of the way.

What the f*ck?

You have no f*ckin' idea
what I'm going through, Gamby!

Well, I still really, really pity you.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes.

I need you to run Jackson
while I'm gone.

For a day.

You think you can do that
without f*ckin' it up?

Trust me, okay?
I can handle anything.

Can you handle these lazy,
f*ckin' teachers? Yeah.

Don't let them get out of the
team-building workshops either.

I paid these SweatDogs good money
to b*at them into submission.

If they participate,
you write them up.

Mandatory attendance. Got it.
Easy. And a fine.

And a fine.

Look at that.

Come tomorrow,

you will be principal of
North Jackson high school.

For a day.

It'll be nice to see
your sisters again.

We haven't seen them in ages.

Their boys must be
all grown up by now.

All four of their kids
together look like

a Ret*rded h*tler youth group.

Oh, f*ck, no!

Christine,
I have a white stain

on my special black funeral suit!

It's so small,
you can hardly notice it.

My sisters notice everything.

Lynn will say that this
looks like dried-up cum,

and Lacey will say that
it is dried-up cum.

You know how my sisters are
towards me, Christine!

Yeah, but everything's closed.

Nothing's open now.
But...

Nobody's going to be
noticing your suit.

You're there to celebrate
your father's life.

It doesn't look like dried-up cum.

Okay.

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

God damn it.

BOTH: ...with liberty
and justice for all.

Unbelievable.

Good morning,
boss for the day.

Principal Gamby.

What do you two think you are doing?
We just raised the flag,

getting the doors
open for business.

You don't think I would have
wanted to raise the flag, Nash?

Russell usually does it, but
we didn't know that you were--

(babbles) Listen to what
you're saying, okay, Nash.

Russell usually does it
because he's the principal.

What am I today?
I'm the principal, Nash.

Of course
I want to raise the flag!

And why are you wearing a hat when
you're pledging allegiance, Nash?

The one f*ckin' time I've ever
seen you with a hat,

and it's when
you're raising the flag.

You guys suck beans
at being patriots.

Mr. Gamby, you have a nine o'clock
with Harold in maintenance,

and then you have a 9:30 phone
call with the district,

and then after lunch, you have a
meeting with student government.

Oh, and, um,
here's the checklist

of all the teachers doing
new curriculum proposals.

You're about to give me
a f*ckin' panic att*ck,

and I'm just starting
to get situated, okay.

Don't be f*ckin' with my head!

I'm sorry, um...

You have about seven minutes
until morning announcements.

I have to do that?

It'll be fun.

Okay. This is a teleprompter.

Can you read okay?

These are the words that I'm to say?
Yes, it is.

Okay. Easy fine. Cinch.
Okay.

I'm gonna give you a countdown
and we're gonna start. Three.

Two.
Two, one.

One. Three, two,
one, to do what?

To do what?
To do the thing? I'm ready.

GIRL: Go!
GAMBY: Fine. Shut up.

Oh sh*t, Mr. Gamby on TV.

Hey! Good afternoon, ladies.

GIRL: Tigers.
Tigers.

I'm Principal Namby...
(laughter)

Robotics Club is canceling their
monthly meetings next Thursday,

so, no reason to go to the meetings,

'cause no one who does robots
is going to be there.

Uh, today, is Miranda Clarke
and Ricky Leache's birthday.

It's a special time
to have a birthday,

to be able to celebrate
with your friends.

Mr. Gamby looks like
he's having a stroke.

Uh, faculty is reminded
that today after school,

team-building with
the SweatDogs will continue.

Attendance is mandatory.

And in the final words
of every...

the stuff for the
morning announcements,

is that there is no fear

of anything slipping
through the cracks

while Lee Russell is gone,
because I am here,

the principal that everyone
knows that I can be,

so that the school is in the best
hands that can ever to be in.

Okay, anyway.

Do I have to say that's it?
Cut. Will someone say cut?

I'm sitting here
f*ckin' sweating my face off.

I don't know if this is going
to the f*ckin'...

(school bell chimes)

(voices murmuring)

RUSSELL: Okay, Momma.

Oh, let's go sit down
in your favorite chair.

You look so good!

I used to rock you in this chair.

(speaking Korean)

Not-not now, Mi-Cha.

Mi-Cha, please!

Just go to the snack table, please.

Okay? Just...
There's some... Please.

If you need anything, Momma,
please, just let me know.

I'm just so glad you came, son.

I didn't think you would.

Momma, why would you think that?

CHRISTINE: Look who I found.

Lee!

Wow.

You actually came.

We didn't think you'd make it.
Hi.

I'm not so sure why everybody
thought that I wasn't coming?

That's just crazy.

Well, you never called,
or texted, or...

e-mailed, so what did
you expect us to think?

Well, I would expect
you both to think

that I would show up
to my own daddy's funeral.

Stop trying to make me look bad, okay?
Lee Russell.

Don't you start up again, not here.

Shep! Tripp!
Come and say hi to your uncle.

Yeah, Arliss, Wyatt, get in here.
Come on.

Get in here.

Hey, Uncle Lee.
You came after all.

After Lynn and I finish
speaking at Dad's ceremony,

they are going to play
a tribute on their guitars.

Been practicing for weeks.

Oh my God, you look like
a Christian rock band.

So, everybody has a part
in the ceremony, except for me?

We didn't think you cared.
We assumed you wouldn't want to.

Momma, would you like
a nice cold cup of iced tea?

Yeah, I'll get you some, I'll get you some.
I got it. Lee, I got it.

Stop-- Aah!

Fine. Whatever.
I'm sorry, Momma.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Momma.

Boys! Get--

(sighs)

Can we speak to you for a moment, Lee?
No.

Why are you acting like a little bitch?

Look, we've got enough
going on here with the funeral

and moving Momma into a nursing home.

Momma's moving into a nursing home?

Well, that's news to me.

Of course it's news to you.
You're never around!

Why do you think we packed
up all of Dad's stuff?

Yeah, I'm claiming
his China, his comfy chair,

and his old Navy magazines.
That's right.

And I've got his DVDs and his r*fle.

Well, did you think that maybe
I would want some of his

magazines or his r*fles?

Just 'cause you two French-kissed his
assh*le his whole f*ckin' life--

Excuse me? Excuse me! I get some stuff too.
And you know what?

I'm going to start right here-- No,
you're not gonna start anything.

Lee! Stop it!

That is mine!
I f*ckin' claimed it!

You're so funny. You're so funny.
You should back off.

I don't even want that. It's so stupid.
You know what's funny?

Is your f*ckin' face,
your f*ckin' little pig face.

See this? It's mine.
Whatever.

Fine.

His model airplane.

Oh, no you don't.
Hands off!

Those are for our kids.

Don't you think your kids
are a little bit old

to be playing with model airplanes?

You don't even have kids.

That's 'cause
he's sh**ting blanks.

Uh-oh, Lynn.

Her blood is boiling.

Oh yeah, she's gonna
throw a hissy fit.

What, are you getting
all... all red?

Are you getting red?
Oh that's so funny,

you calling me "she" again.
Look at that.

Why don't you get some
new f*ckin' material, all right?

Lee.
Jesus, what?

What is that stain on your pants, Lee?
Oh yeah, that looks like cum.

I don't have-- No, I didn't cum on myself.
Did you cum on yourself again?

No, no, no, no!
No, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no! No!
(shrieking laughter)

LYNN: Dirty little boy!

Please-- No! No.

No, Lacey, Lacey.
Please, no!

Open the door.
Open the door, please?

You know what?

f*ck you! f*ck you!

When you say venison,
it has to have

all the sadness
of the exile in that word.

Sh-Come! Shall we go
k*ll us some venison?

SEYCHELLES: Oh, sh*t.

Mr. Geal Namby.

Your video announcements would have
been the highlight of my morning,

but you choked,
as we actors say.

Where are the curriculum proposals
that Russell asked for yesterday?

Excuse me if the proposals
are a little bit tardy.

Russell has been running us
ragged, stressing everybody out.

Oh, give me a break.

You're a grown man
who prances around in tights.

What the hell do you have to do?
Gamby.

You're not gonna make us stay
after school with the SweatDogs?

They're not human.

They threatened to
waterboard me yesterday.

You're going, Seychelles, okay?

So, he dreams it up,
you execute it,

like a little puppet man
coming to f*ck us.

You better watch your tone.

I'm the principal,
do you hear me?

(giggling)
You're not the principal!

You're just a flimsy cardboard
cutout of a principal.

You're just a two-bit thespian.

Stand-in.
(scoffs)

Queen for a day.
Seychelles, that's enough!

Get back in there and teach these
children how to play make-pretend.

Just like you're making-pretend
to be principal.

f*ck you. (mouths words) f*ck you.

(scoffs)

(loud clattering)

Adolescent behavior.

(tuning guitars)

What is the matter?

Why are you so upset?

They're putting you in a home, Momma,

a terrible, awful, nursing home.

It's my idea.

I don't want to live in this
big old house all by myself.

I want to be with people my own age.

They have brainwashed you, Momma.

It breaks my heart to think
of you in a place like that

where the orderlies
molest all the seniors.

Stop.

Lynn and Lacey are
rotten human beings, Momma.

I wish that they had d*ed
instead of Daddy.

Don't you go cursing
your sisters like that.

I know you don't get along
with them and I know why,

'cause you think
Daddy liked them better.

Well, maybe,
I do, yes, but...

we will never know if
that's true or not, Momma.

No, it's true.
He loved them more.

Your sisters are mean.
Yeah.

They tease you,
they strip off your clothes.

Do you think I'm blind?
I know that.

But they were never
being sneaky like you.

You told lies,
lies that stung.

Daddy didn't like that,
even if they caused it.

Make your daddy proud
of you for once.

You're right, Momma.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh!

I love you.
I love you.

Back it up.

Hey, Mr. Gamby, those teachers
hate them SweatDogs

more than they hate your ass.

Oh, here we go.
Oh, sh*t.

Gamby, this is getting ridiculous.

The SweatDogs want us to record

when we throw out our lunches now.

And they're harassing us about our diets.
Shh. SweatDogs are coming.

What? Ridiculous.
Ms. Snodgrass.

Mrs. Deets.
Lunchtime is over.

There is no time
for stop and chat.

Is this normal behavior, Mr. Gamby.

The stop and chats?
Uh, I mean...

Yeah, the teachers usually do chitchat

after lunch. That is your fault.
I blame you.

You are enabling this behavior.

Look, I know about being a leader too.

I mean, it's like,
the main part of my job,

like being productive,
and... and being leader.

We do the same thing.
Incorrect, Mr. Gamby.

You don't do what we do.

Because if you did what we do,
we wouldn't be here.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah. But I'm not sure if you're
seeing what I'm saying, which is,

I also specialize in leadership too.

Show me. Show us.

Be the leader
that you say you are.

Get these underlings
back to work. I want to see.

(mutters)
Okay, yeah, well...

Women...
Come, come, women, now.

Enough with
the small talk, okay?

It's time to get back to your places.

That was pathetic.
Bark at them.

Go on! I said, go on now.

Get to class, the both of you.

You got--
Bark at them. Bark at them!

Go--
Bark at them!

God damn it! Get back to your
f*ckin' classes right now! Go!

(stomps foot) Shoo!
Get on, varmints!

(hisses)

It's not about
being nice, ladies.

It's about being leadership.

I like it!
See, I told you guys.

I can do this.

Fantastic!
Yeah!

Are you going to stand here
like an assh*le

or you going to get back
to work yourself?

Yeah, of course I'm gonna get back to work.
Come on. Don't trip.

See you, SweatDogs.

(guitars playing)
(boys singing softly)

(whimpers)

I hate my sisters so much.

They made me look like a f*ckin'
loser in my daddy's eyes.

f*ck that!

I should expose them.

What do you mean by expose?

I used to read all their diaries.

I know their deepest, darkest secrets.

They don't want me speaking
at the ceremony?

Well, tough sh*t.

I will put them on blast.

I will let the world know what
deceitful little c**ts they are.

This is about celebrating
your dad's life,

not waging w*r against your sisters.

Please, my brain is working, Christine.

What's this I'm hearing about a
consultancy firm that Lee hired?

Lee hired a consulting firm?

Uh, yeah, the SweatDogs.

The what? SweatDogs?

They are a world-renowned outfit.

You know, they do Fortune 500 companies,

teach team-building.
Look, all I know is,

I'm getting bombed with complaints

from frustrated teachers
about this being the cherry

on top of an impossible workload.

I mean, this wasn't in the budget.
Why wasn't I informed?

Would you mind if I make a quick phone call?
I can find out.

I would love for you to check on this.

Okay, I'm going to leave,
then I'm going to be right back.

That would be a swell idea,

and be right back with that information.
I'll find out the answers.

Be right back.
Be right back if you can.

Out.

(phone vibrates)

Well, you didn't f*ck everything
up already, did you, Gamby?

No! I'm calling about the SweatDogs.

The teachers complained to Haas

and now he's over here flipping out!

Saying this thing wasn't approved

and it's not in the f*ckin' budget.

Just f*ckin' calm down.
Just lie to the man.

Look, man,
lies might slide easily

off your oily lips,
but I'm not like you.

Which is why you are a goober who
couldn't hack it as a principal.

Don't give me that sh*t. It's not like
you're having your fair share of problems.

You're pushing the teachers too far.

Don't you tell me
how to run my school.

Just tell Haas that the SweatDogs

are doing it pro gratis.

That means free, dummy.

No way. No way.
I'm not going to sit here

and just bald-face lie
to Superintendent Haas.

Well, then I will
find someone who will!

God damn it.

Hey! Principal for a day!

f*ck off, Willows.

I'm back.
(crunches)

Sir, I think I got to the bottom
of this whole SweatDogs thing.

SweatDogs.

It would appear that they are
doing their services for us

pro gracias, uh,
which means for free.

Hmm. Free, huh?
Yeah.

Hmm. I gotta tell
you something.

I've never seen morale
so low around here.

What, with all
that's befallen this school,

it's like North Jackson's lost
its will to live, Gamby.

(crunches)

But, hey...

maybe Lee has finally come up with
something to turn it all around.

You think?
Yeah, I hope so.

SWEATDOG: Here I am!

TEACHERS: Here I am!

Here you are!
Here you are!

Here we are!
Here we are!

I move forward!
We move forward!

We are a team!
We are a team!

Gamby, this is
some weird stuff.

On the ground.
On your face!

You have a problem
with authority, sir?

Yes, we are!
Yes, we are!

Yes, we are!
Yes, we are!

Yes, we are!
Yes, we are!

Yes, we are!
Yes, we are!

BOYS: ♪ Here I am, Lord ♪

♪ Is it I, Lord? ♪

♪ I have heard you ♪

♪ Calling in the night ♪

♪ I will go there ♪

♪ If you lead me ♪

♪ I will hold ♪

♪ Your people in my heart ♪

BOTH: We're going
to miss you, Daddy.

I love you, Daddy.

(whispers)
No.

(sisters muttering)
No. Lee...

(scuffling)
(muttering)

RUSSELL: Excuse me.

Hello. Thank you, thank you...

Thank you.

Uh, I just, I wanted to say...

a few words, so...

Uh...

My daddy,

always spent a hell of a lot
more time with my sisters

than he ever did with me.

But...

he didn't know
what I've always known

about them.

Which is...

Whi-Which is...

(Lee sighs)

That they were the luckiest girls in the
world to have had a father like him.

One of my fondest memories of Daddy

was helping him build his, his...

model airplanes.

If, uh... I would hand him
the wrong part and he would say:

"No, Lee! Damn it!

"You need to focus.

You need to pay attention,"

and I would hand him
the right part

and he would just nod.

I cherish those times.

Because it meant
that he cared enough

about me to teach me
how to improve myself,

how to strive for the best,
how to reach for the top.

That's what he instilled in me.

I wish that he could see
my life now.

I have a...
a beautiful wife, Christine,

and my... well, my Korean
mother-in-law, Mi-Cha.

I take care of her.

And I have a...

Well, I have a very nice home.

I'm-I'm even the...

the principal
of my very own school.

He would be proud...

of me.

I think he would.

Because I...

I, too, reached the top,

like he...

like he did.

Bye-bye, Daddy.

Move it.
Let's go.

Go, go, go. Move it! (coughs)

SWEATDOG: What are you doing?
I need water.

What?
I need some water.

SWEATDOG: No water for anyone

until this weakling
finishes the exercise.

I'm just a drama teacher, you guys.

I can't do this.

Well, then, maybe,
it is time you be

just a drama teacher someplace else,

because it is teachers

with a limited view of themselves

that is keeping this place

from reaching its full potential.

This place is the bottom of the barrel.

Why?

Because of you.

Because of you and you

and you and you and you.

Yes, you specifically,

and you and you.

Yes, you and you

and you...
No!

That's enough!
That's enough right there.

Get up, Seychelles, come on. Excuse me, Mr. Gamby.
What are you doing?

I'm giving the drama teacher
a glass of water, okay?

Here.

Actually, can I have
a San Pelligrino? My stomach--

You don't know the first thing about
what's wrong with this school.

Mm.
Okay, fine, yes.

Teachers can be lazy.

They can be bitch-ass complainers.

But these aren't just any teachers.

These are North Jackson teachers.

So take Seychelles, for instance, okay?

He took a one act play

all the way to the state competition.

It came in third, but still,
he got us to states.

And then there's Ms. Deets.

She did this thing with her
class, uh, Pottery for Poverty.

It raised more money-- You're
not going to start listing off

a bunch of bullshit achievements

of your staff right now, are you?

How sentimental and uninspired

from the vice principal.

You see, after watching,

how you've handled
these people today,

it makes complete sense
that you would never, ever,

get this job for real.

You're a loser who commands
no respect, whatsoever.

f*ck you!

f*ck you.

I respect him.
Oh.

This school has had worse.

Guess what? You guys
can blow it out your dicks.

Wow, let's see, that's...
three teachers.

(giggles)

I see.

How about you three take your berets,

your kettlebells,
and your yoga mats

and shove them up your ass.

I'm the principal,
I call the sh*ts,

so get the f*ck out of here right now!

No, Shawn. It's fine. We've billed them.
They've paid.

f*ck 'em.
f*ck 'em all. Come, on.

Good riddance,
Sweat Dicks.

See ya, She-Ra.
(guffaws)

Let's go. Let's go.

(mutters)

Get movin'.

Man: Yeah! (cheering)

Gamby!

Go, Gamby!

GAMBY: Don't tell Russell.
Don't tell Russell, okay?

Seriously, don't tell him what happened.

Good-bye.

Daddy, I will miss you.

MOMMA: Thank you.

Good to see you, Larry.

I so appreciate it, I really do. Let
us know if you need anything, okay?

Thank you.

(Mi-Cha speaking Korean)
I'll meet you in the car.

So nice to see you.

Take my bags to the car, Mi-Cha.

Hey, Lee.

Good speech.

The boys are still getting the airplanes.

I hope you're not going to make a big
federal case about us taking them?

Don't worry, I won't.

I've let it go.

You guys are my family.

Are you serious?

You're not going to throw
a hissy fit or a tantrum?

(sighs)
No?

(♪♪♪)

Momma.

You made me
so proud of you today.

And I bet you made
your daddy proud too.

Now you be a good man
from now on, okay?

Just don't tell any more lies.

I'm not that kind of person

anymore, Momma.

I am a principal...

and I have principals.

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)