(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for a double-platinum
recording artist, your host Sapphire!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm your host Sapphire,
and welcome to the live So You Think
You Won't Treason season finale.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Sapphire, look at me!
Eat me alive, Sapphire!
Eat my soul and sh*t it out!
Well, as you know, here at SYTYWT,
we are the only game show
sponsored by the US government!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Jokes aside, God bless our country,
God bless our troops,
- and God bless these...
- (RECORD SCRATCHES)
Oof! Oh-so-funky good time tunes.
MAN: Sapphire's gonna sing!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I love you!
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Oh, lady, oh ♪
♪ How she can snuggle
she's as sweet as can be ♪
♪ And when I hold her hand, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, how my super sentimental ♪
♪ Wonderful sweetie ♪
♪ Oh, how she can love ♪
- (MUSIC ENDS)
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Each season, we entice
low-level government employees
with the opportunity
to treason against our nation.
We've showcased some of tomorrow's
most despicable traitors.
Season one's Billy the DMV Clerk.
Season three's Adrienne,
the Pentagon Lunch Lady
with the heart of gold
and an eye of lazy.
And of course, Tony "The Boner."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Boner!
But this season was unlike any
other that came before it.
And tonight, America will
finally come face-to-face
with its most despicable
contestants to date,
only here on
So You Think You Won't Treason!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(JAZZY EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS)
MIKE: Wow, this Sapphire,
really something.
PHIL: Oh, she's just a presence.
MIKE: She's come into her own.
- She's great.
- So, honestly,
- Mm-hmm?
- I don't think we treasoned.
- Oh, we didn't treason.
- We didn't treason.
Just to recap everything:
by plugging in this thumb drive,
we're committing an act of treason.
Mike, we're here because we won.
- Right.
- And you win if you don't treason.
And also, we were
saving all the animals.
(ECHOING): Saving all the animals.
That's why we put the thumb drive in.
- We're heroes.
- One question, though.
- Why are we chained up?
- Oh.
- This stuff.
- Yeah.
Um...
It's just a normal,
late-night TV green room sort of thing.
They don't want you
to, like, wander off, so...
- (KNOCKING)
- They got callsheets and stuff.
- You know what I mean?
- Hey, fellas.
- BOTH: Hi.
- Hey, just a quick -minute warning.
We're gonna roll some pre-tape,
then we'll bring out the panel,
and then we'll introduce our
guests of dishonor, you guys.
Okay, cool.
Sorry, did you say honor or dishonor?
Oh, you guys want waters?
We can get you some waters.
He actually asked if you
had said honor or dishonor...
No waters, loud and clear.
Gotcha. Guys,
I don't mean to fanboy out,
but I just wanna say,
it's... it's really exciting,
getting to meet you guys.
I mean, you did it!
You treasoned!
Well, you know what?
Actually, what's your name?
I'm a production assistant, PA.
Well, PA, we're not too sure
that we would call it that.
I don't think we'd say we treasoned.
No, no, no, no.
It was brave what you did.
Took a lot of courage, you know?
It does take a lot of guts
to do what we did.
- I guess we did treason a little bit.
- We treasoned.
We treasoned. Feels good to say it.
We treasoned.
Yes. We did, we treasoned.
Well, can I get you anything else?
Are you guys good?
You know what? We will take two waters.
Two waters coming up.
(KNOCKING, VOCALIZING RHYTHMICALLY)
(ALL LAUGH)
- That's fun.
- That's fun.
- That's fun stuff.
- Adios, amigo.
That's great.
- Was that Paul Rust?
- Yep.
Delicious.
Why don't we take a look back
at some of the highlights
of So You Think You Won't
Treason: Season Phil & Mike.
Roll the clip.
Roll the clip!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ So you think you won't treason ♪
SAPPHIRE:
The season that rocked the nation,
Phil and Mike were our longest
lasting contestants yet.
Three years in the bunker fighting.
(BARKING, GROWLING)
(BOTH BARKING)
SAPPHIRE: Loving.
(SNORING)
- Flossing.
- How do you even do this?
Yeah, that's good.
SAPPHIRE: The orange incident.
Do you want half this orange?
Uh, are you not gonna eat it?
I got this.
No, you can have it.
- If you want it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Actually, I will take it. Thank you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
SAPPHIRE: And through it
all, America was enraptured
by one essential question:
Will Phil and Mike treason?
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't do it, Phil and Mike! (CHUCKLES)
I love this show.
I really hope they don't treason.
I don't know what'd I watch anymore.
Netflix is an uncurated mess.
Yeah, and every time I try to watch
an Amazon Original, I end up...
BOTH: ...accidentally
buying paper towels!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Tommy. Nice to meet you.
You're kidding me! I'm Tommy too.
You're Tommy too? I knew I liked you.
I knew I liked you!
- (STOMACH RUMBLING)
- (GROANING)
- Tommy too, you feeling blue?
- My stomach.
You need some Tums for
your tummy, Tommy too?
- Would ya?
- For my new chum's tummy, Tommy too?
I do, I do, Tommy too.
Two yummy Tums for your crummy tummy.
- (STOMACH GURGLING)
- Ooh!
Thank you.
(SMOOCHES)
Thank you.
BOTH: We're gonna do it.
SAPPHIRE: But alas, like so
many contestants before them,
they treasoned.
And not any old treason,
but to America's most notorious
anti-government rebel network,
The Labcoats.
(CROWD GASPS)
♪ So you think you won't treason ♪
♪ Fart, fart sounds ♪
♪ Insert a fart sound here ♪
- (FARTS)
- ♪ Yeah ♪
(SCATTING)
SAPPHIRE: Round of applause
for Little Treasoner Tricia,
who was caught selling DuckTales
Reboot bootlegs abroad.
Goodbye, Tricia!
You remember them from this season as
"The General" and "The Lieutenant."
Ladies and gentlemen, The
General and The Lieutenant!
♪ ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SAPPHIRE: I can't with you.
I can't with you!
Pink's a good color for you!
Please, sit down. Sit down.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, Sapphire,
I'm so psyched to be here.
And obviously, I have,
you know, all your albums.
Lieutenant.
- Uh, sorry.
- (LAUGHTER)
You know, back to you two,
as real-life members
of the United States government,
you're pretty good actors.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- You really are.
I mean, Phil and Mike actually believed
you were Labcoats, right?
Let's give it up for that, huh?
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Mise-en-scène! Mise-en-scène!
Mama Mia! Mise-en-scène!
- Oh! No...
- Thank you.
CROWD (CHANTING): Mise-en-scène!
Mise-en-scène!
Mise-en-scène! Mise-en-scène!
- We love you too! Oh God!
- (g*nsh*t ECHOES)
- That was so loud.
- (QUIETLY): Shut up.
Whoo! (WHISPERS): Please
don't tell me to shut up.
- (QUIETLY): What'd you say?
- M... muffin.
GENERAL: Muffin?
Anyway, generally speaking,
the Labcoat movement attracts...
- lesser-thans.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's an
organization that is filled
with dumb, stupid, poo-poo
bad boys, dipshits,
crap-heads, pool noodle-doodles,
- snot-lickers, buttholes.
- (CHILD LAUGHING)
I mean, Labcoats have
scrambled eggs for brains.
What? We're not doo-doo heads!
I mean, they're not doo-doo heads.
They're literally, like,
the dumbest of the dumb.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (SCREAMS)
Keep it down. We're
trying to watch the show.
I need to go to the
mancave and video game.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I hate drinking water.
I love soda.
♪ ♪
(SIGHS)
For f*ck's sake!
The green pill is finally complete.
We've been poisoning New York City?
That is correct.
- Why?
- What is your name?
Executive .
DR. LABCOAT: Is anything
we do here real?
- (GRUNTING)
- (CACKLING)
Funny joke!
Dr. Labcoat poisoned me!
I don't know how else to explain it!
Dr. Labcoat!
EXECUTIVE : They're making a mockery
of our movement, Dr. Labcoat.
It's almost as if
we're some kind of myth...
or nonexistent,
like Miles Teller's charisma.
(EXECUTIVE LAUGHING)
Thank you, Dr. Labcoat.
It was a sick burn.
Anyway, tonight, we get our revenge.
(CLATTERING)
- Daddy?
- Daughter!
What are you doing in Daddy's manhole?
You're supposed to be in bed!
Daddy, that's the bad man
they told us about in school.
EXECUTIVE : Sit down, daughter.
I'll explain everything.
(SIGHS) That's nice.
I shredded my quads doing
burpees with Steve at the gym.
That guy's an absolute beast.
STEVE: Come on! Get it!
Anyhoo.
Dr. Labcoat, this man,
was Daddy's boss,
until he passed away.
Now, I'm the leader of a group
that tries to carry out his will.
You're in charge of the Labcoats?
Yes. Our mission is to...
- But you're not cool.
- ...reintegrate humanity...
You're too dweeby to be the leader.
And what's up with your nose?
It's hard to look at.
It's a side effect from when
Dr. Labcoat poisoned me.
See? Even the guy you worship knows
that you're a dweeb-meister.
You're years old
and you wear glasses, so.
What do you know about being cool?
I smoke cigarettes
and lots of boys like me.
I'm going to prom with Derrick.
- He's a senior.
- Derrick from up the street?
- He is really cool.
- You should gauge your ears.
That's cool and will distract
people from your, just...
crazy nose.
- You think?
- For sure, Stinky.
I'm gonna call you "Stinky" from now on.
How often do you blaze up?
Uh...
Never.
- Because it's bad for you.
- Nah, nah, nah.
Blaze all day,
get a stick and poke tattoo
of Bart Simpson,
and gauge your ears.
Then you'll be cool.
Blaze all day. Copy that.
This is really great.
I'm learning a lot.
I get into lots of fights
at the boardwalk.
I do lots of bad stuff.
One time, I stole this dude's identity
and ruined his credit score.
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- (DAUGHTER GROANS)
Bella Hadid!
Bella Hadid... Is that an expression?
Oh! I bet the commercials are over!
Bye, Stinky!
Don't tell your mother that
I'm the leader of the Lab...
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- She's gone.
Well, keep watching, honey.
Because there's going
to be a real twist ending.
I sound like Dr. Evil. f*ck it.
(LAUGHING)
No, no!
We just bombed the sh*t out of them.
You know, Canada's been
asking for it for a while, now!
- Amen to that, homegirl!
- Whoo!
(QUIETLY): I'm sorry I was
so hard on you before.
I just want you to be tough, you know?
I mean, you cried
after I b*at you in Mario Kart.
(QUIETLY): You know the blue
shell caught me off guard.
But, yeah, I totally understand.
Are you guys talking about me?
- Uh, no.
- Great.
Why don't we go to our
audience for some questions?
- BAMBAM: Hi.
- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
Uh...
My name is BamBam.
I'm from Duct Tape, Wyoming.
And, uh, my question is
for the whole panel.
I'm a little tiny baby
stuck inside this woman,
and I control her with knobs
and levers.
Kinda like a spaceship.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is...
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Say what?
(APPLAUSE)
Wow. That... beautiful.
- (SOBBING)
- I mean, wow.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
CROWD (CHANTING): BamBam!
BamBam! BamBam! BamBam!
Thank you, BamBam.
- Thank you for sharing your story.
- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Okay, folks. It's time.
Should we bring out
the treacherous scum?
(SHOUTING)
I can't hear you!
(SHOUTING)
Aah!
I can't hear anything! Hello?
- And once again, there's nothing.
- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
Hello? Two, four, two.
Two, four, two. Hello?
No, I hear my cousin,
but that's not possible.
How am I getting
my cousin but not the crowd?
- Hello? David?
- (INDISTINCT VOICE ON HEADSET)
David, where's your mom?
Bring her to the phone.
- Who's David?
- Great, I lost him. Hello?
Hello? I'm back, I'm back!
- (LAUGHS)
- (CROWD CHEERS)
Come on, yeah!
Let's bring them out, the treasoners
themselves, Phil and Mike!
- (CHAIN RATTLING)
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
(THUDS)
- (COUGHING)
- (BOOING)
There's no air in that box!
- Poke some holes in the roof.
- Right.
(BOOING)
PHIL: Hey, General and Lieutenant!
Remember us, from the bunker?
MIKE: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
How you boys doing, huh?
Well, Sapphire, I think I can speak
for us both when I say mostly pain...
- Yep.
- ...and discomfort.
And I'm having
a little nervous diarrhea.
I'm definitely confused.
I would say I am mostly thinking
of that Meryl Streep movie,
Ricki and the Flash.
- I think it's, like, a coping mechanism.
- Yeah.
You know what,
let's get Paul Rust out here.
You guys are really under-utilizing him.
Okay, that's enough! Okay? Wow.
You two committed treason.
Was that not clear?
So, we won?
Yeah, 'cause we're heroes.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
You jerk-offs!
The only thing that you two won
is a lifetime sentence
of solitary confinement!
Your life's over!
MIKE: Don't do that to him!
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye! Bye, Mama!
- (BOOING)
But before we send you off
to serve your life sentence,
we're gonna have a little fun
with you here tonight.
- (CHEERING)
- Is it time for the catchphrase?
ALL: Hey, Sapphire!
Can we t*rture them already?
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's-a t*rture time!
- (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)
- (CHEERING)
- What? What?
- What the f*ck?
Yes! (GROWLING)
Oh, f*ck, dude!
♪ ♪
Huh? Ah!
PHIL: Oh, look at that f*cking thing!
The general, she is so nice!
I can't talk about it. She is radiant,
sweet, open, friendly.
Nah, you don't gotta
do that though, right?
It's up to you, America! You gotta vote!
Rock the vote!
Let's begin!
- t*rture! t*rture! t*rture!
- I'm so f*cking scared.
I'm f*cking crazy!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(RAPID BEEPING, BELL DINGING)
They're idiots! Idiots.
MIKE: We just...
We just wanted to help the animals.
They were doing so good.
I mean, the horses stopped
using horses as horses.
The GrabBags all got rich.
The rats had that stupid f*cking trial.
- And Wallet!
- Oh, and Wallet!
- Wallet is so good.
- AUDIENCE: Aw!
- But they wanted to k*ll them!
- Oh!
MIKE: That's right!
Those two, right there!
PHIL: You know what? f*ck it!
We treasoned once.
So, we might as well let all
the beans out of the little bag!
- They were gonna nuke New York City!
- Uh-huh!
And also, one-tenth of the
population is reptilian, right?
- Isn't that weird?
- Yep.
And also, craft beer makes frogs gay!
- I don't know about that one.
- And finally, Iowa is fake!
Fake Iowa!
- No one's ever been there!
- Fake Iowa! Hashtag fake Iowa!
I had a feeling.
- (CROWD MURMURS)
- I had a feeling.
You thought us nuking New
York City was a secret?
Uh-huh.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
Oh, my God! Please
tune in live next week
for the New York City
Evisceration Spectacular.
We'll be strapping a camera
to a nuclear b*mb
and sending it right
towards the Big Apple.
So goodbye, New York.
Hello, New New York!
Which is gonna be one gigantic mall!
That's right!
Complete with Auntie Anne's,
and Wetzel's Pretzels!
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
ALL (CHANTING): Malls! Malls! Malls!
Malls! Malls! Malls! Malls!
- Malls! Malls!
- Mike, no, we don't want that.
- Malls! Malls!
- We don't want that.
David Spade, do your worst.
Oh, finally.
CROWD (CHANTING):
David Spade! David Spade!
- David Spade!
- MIKE: Oh, God.
I'm and I'm gonna die!
I know, dude! Wait, you're years old?
- That's so weird!
- Why is that weird?
'Cause you're f*cking old, dude!
CROWD: David Spade!
David Spade! David Spade!
- MIKE: How old are you?
- PHIL: Twenty-three.
- Eww!
- You know that's not gross.
- You know it's the hottest...
- Very hot. It's so hot.
I love my job.
(expl*si*n)
(SCREAMING)
(COUGHING)
What the f*ck is this sh*t?
On behalf of the Labcoat
Resistance Movement,
we're here to save these guys.
And yeah, we brought our
big boy, pew-pew g*ns
and we're not afraid to use them.
- Yes, dude! We're saved!
- Oh, my God!
- Nice!
- Wow. And cool gauges.
- Thank you. Yeah.
- PHIL: Oh, nice!
That's right.
You guys are Labcoats, now.
(CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS)
We just didn't know we were
signing up for anything.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Do you want us to go?
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no. It's okay, I just...
Here's the thing, I can't tell if
you guys are good guys or bad guys.
- We're good. We're good!
- You know what I mean?
- You guys are good?
- Yeah, we're good.
So, you guys worship
Dr. Labcoat, basically?
- Uh, yeah.
- Sure, yeah.
And Dr. Labcoat k*lled all
the humans in New York City.
- Right.
- So, that's pretty bad, I think...
But I mean, you know, devil's advocate.
You know, you guys were just
about to get tortured to death
by the government on live television, so
that kind of makes us
good for you, right?
- That's a good point, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Good point. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's true.
- You know what? We're on board.
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay, so we're good.
- We're good to go.
- We are Labcoats!
We're good to go? All right,
so, everybody just relax.
Everything's gonna be all right.
(g*nsh*t)
(CROWD GROANS)
(BODY THUDS)
- Traitorous scum!
- PHIL: f*ck, dude!
Holy sh*t! You sh*t him!
You know I don't like g*ns!
GENERAL: I had to do what
I had to do, I'm sorry.
No, we're screwed.
There's only two of us!
- (g*ns COCKING)
- f*ck it! You are screwed, m*therf*ckers!
Yeah, that's what happens
when you f*ck with us!
Yeah, we are the Labcoats!
Yeah, yeah, and guess what?
I'm the leader now.
Okay, why... why are you the leader?
I mean, look how many of them there are!
Not so fast, Lieutenant. Hey, audience!
Oh, my God. Sapphire's talking, shut up.
Can I get a g*n-g*n?
(g*ns COCKING)
- (SCREAMING)
- (g*nf*re)
(g*nf*re)
(SCREAMING)
MIKE: Oh, no! She's going down!
(BOTH MOANING)
I don't like unplanned v*olence.
I'm out of here.
- Aah, f*ck, I'm un-ripe!
- I got you, buddy!
Thanks, man!
(g*nf*re CONTINUES)
GENERAL: Those f*cking Labcoats!
I got you, fellas!
Someone's freeing us!
(GRUNTING)
- You okay?
- Yeah, are you okay?
Whoa, Paul! Oh, my God!
You're a Labcoat, too?
Who's Paul? Stop calling me Paul!
(MOANS)
Shut up and listen to me, okay?
'Cause we don't have much time!
I need you two to take me
to the m*ssile launch room
at the government center, okay?
We gotta stop this
m*ssile from taking off!
Oh, my God. Paul Rust.
- (g*n COCKS)
- (g*nf*re)
Do you know where
the m*ssile launch room is?
Oh, how I wish, Paul!
PA! Production assistant?
But nary in our three year stay
at the government center
have we ever left our humble bunker!
f*ck! f*ck!
Oh, I did, I did. I left the bunker.
Is that what you said?
The launch room is right next
to the executive bathroom.
I would sneak out at night
to use the bathroom.
So it's right next to each other.
Super easy. I can help you out.
Dude.
You're saving my ass on this, yes.
Just try to get out of
the way here of all this stuff.
(SOBS)
- Hey, bud? You wanna...
- No, no, no, no, no.
Is this about executive bathroom?
This is about the executive bathroom.
There was one toilet for the two of us,
and you had a f*cking
executive bathroom?
- It's not like it was mine...
- You're a f*cking piece of sh*t!
- Can you please not have the tantrum...
- I'm not gonna make a tantrum!
I am of sound mind and...
- (g*nsh*t)
- (SCREAMS)
MIKE: Holy sh*t!
- You just got sh*t!
- (PHIL MOANING)
- It's in there!
- Guys! Guys! Hello!
PHIL: Bad! Bad!
- Come on, come on!
- (PHIL SOBBING)
- Don't let Mike and Phil get away!
- (g*nsh*t)
(GASPS) Sapphire!
I'll see you in Valhalla.
(g*nsh*t)
Well, I needed this like a
hole in the head. (CHUCKLES)
That's all for me, folks.
Tune in next week for our New
York City Evisceration Special,
hosted by, Ghost of Sapphire.
(LAUGHS) Boo-yah!
It's funny. See you next week, huh?
(DISTORTED SCREAMING)
(b*llet CLANKS)
(expl*si*n)
- Lieutenant?
- Yes, ma'am.
Get me back to the base.
I'm gonna put an end to these animals
if it's the last thing I do.
And then, we're gonna go to Taco Bell.
Yes!
General, I don't know
if this is appropriate, but...
you're my best friend.
Oh, my God!
I was just thinking the same thing.
- (g*nsh*t)
- (SCREAMS)
God! I mean, I love
spending time with you.
I mean, you're so fun.
We gotta hang out more.
I'm totally down.
But first...
(WHISPERS): let's nuke the
sh*t out of New York City.
Yes.
(IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)
I love that we do our own sound effects.
- Me too! Yes.
- Head out!
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: Remember to tune
in next week, here on HBO,
at : for the live
NYC Evisceration Spectacular,
hosted by the Ghost of Sapphire!
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: "Two Tommy's
Tummies," coming this fall!
And...
I like you better than Dad...
'cause you're quiet.
ANNOUNCER: Quiet Mom,
also coming this fall.
EXECUTIVE : So do you think,
you're going to heaven or hell?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing, actually.
God, you know, I lean towards heaven.
Obviously, but, will I be bored?
You know, I think that's
really the ultimate question.
Right, right. They don't let
you wear your shoes in heaven.
See, that is so...
- It's a power move.
- Isn't it?
- It's grotesque.
- Yeah.
But they don't even say it. They
just... when you get to heaven,
behind the pearly gates,
there's just that shoe rack
with scattered shoes on it.
- You're supposed to get the hint.
- Unbelievable.
03x09 - So You Think You Won't Treason
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.