04x01 - Duncan Dream House

[bunniefuu]

Well, Charlie, as you can see we are all still living in this hotel room.

And we are here because someone let termites eat our house.

( Sighs )

It was not my fault.

Oh, of course not, dad.

Totally his fault.

Anyway, it's a little crowded with everyone here, but we're doing okay.

Would you keep it down over there? Just okay.

Just barely okay.

Gabe, what is your problem? I am on the phone.

With who? No one.

It's just a friend.

I'll have the rib-eye steak, medium-rare.

Gabe, I told you.

No room service.

Mom, I'm hungry.

Well, then have a peanut butter sandwich.

I'm sick of those.

Me too.

Look.

We're meeting with the contractor later on today, but until we find out how much we need to spend to fix the house, we are in money-saving mode.

Yeah, that sounds fair.

You destroy the house, and we don't get to eat.

It was not my fault! All: Right.

I can't believe I went from having my own room to being stuck here with you people.

Aww.

Poor baby doesn't have his own room anymore.

Too bad.

Aw.

It's too bad you don't have a boyfriend anymore.

Gabe.

No, mom.

It's okay.

We're all a little stressed out.

Gabe's dealing with it his way.

Now I'm gonna deal with it my way.

You're going down, little man!

( Grunting )

( Rock music playing )

Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes "has anybody seen my left shoe?" I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud there it is up on the roof I've been there, i survived so just take my advice hang in there, baby things are crazy but I know your future's bright hang in there, baby there's no maybe everything turns out all right sure life is up and down but trust me, it comes back around you're gonna love who you turn out to be hang in there, baby.

( Groans )

Uh, how we looking, Kevin? Hey, before we talk about the house, I want to give you these.

One free pass to the giggle hut.

Oh, you're a stand-up comedian too? Yeah, everyone's always telling me how funny I am.

My niche is construction-related humor.

Is that a popular niche? You tell me.

Did you hear about the singing plumber? He had great pipes.

Because singer's sometimes refer to their voices as

- Pipes.

- Yeah, no.

We got that.

So, about the house? Okay.

Well, the first problem That's the sky up there, and you're not supposed to be able to see it from here.

Is that a comedy observation or a construction observation? Construction.

Unless it was funny.

I mean, was it? I can never tell.

So I guess you're looking at two options.

Rebuild the house the way it was, or given the amount of damage here, you could tear it down and build a brand new one.

A dream house if you will.

A dream house?

( Gasps )

That sounds interesting.

That sure does.

You could have anything your heart desires.

Bob, I can finally get the dining room I've always wanted.

I could get my own bathroom with one of those Japanese toilets.

You know, the ones with the silent flushing system and the temperature- controlled heated seat.

We all have different dreams.

;Emmett, great news.

You know how we've been talking about moving to a bigger apartment before things get really bad and we start hating each other forever? We've never talked about that.

Oh, right.

Remind me, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Anyway, I just found out about this apartment.

Check this out.

- Oh, this is great.

- Right? - It has two bedrooms.

- That's two more than we have now.

We've got to get this apartment.

Okay.

There's one little problem.

We have this thing called a lease.

- ( Sighs )

- The thing Bernie the landlord made us sign? It says we have to live here for at least a year.

It also says that we have to keep it clean and pay our rent on time.

Well, let's read it.

Maybe there's some way we can get out of it.

Okay.

I keep it over here with the rest of our important documents.

Okay, Indian.

Chinese.

Thai.

Lease.

Here we go.

Oh, here it is.

"This lease may not be broken under penalty of law.

" Never should have signed this thing.

Yeah, but you did.

With a smiley face.

Well, I think the signature should express an emotion.

Mmm.

Oh oh oh oh.

Hang on.

We can't leave, but we can get kicked out.

Well, how do we do that? "Landlord may evict tenant from premises if 'a' the tenant brings a pet on the premises,

- or 'b'"

- Who cares about "b"? "A" is perfect.

Your family have any pets we can borrow? No.

We just have babies.

We can dress one of them up like a pet.

I promised I wouldn't do that anymore.

Okay.

Here is a rough sketch I made of the new house.

I think everybody is going to be very happy.

Now Gabe, you get your bedroom above the garage.

- Oh, yes.

- And Teddy - gets a mountain view.

- ( Gasps )

Yes! Oh, I'm finally out of the basement.

Hey wait, what's happening to my old room? Oh! That becomes daddy's man cave.

Or mommy's yoga room.

You know what? Well call it a A multi-purpose room.

It can have a lot of uses.

Okay.

We'll talk about it later.

Honey, when you say, "we'll talk about it later," I never win.

Well, would you like to talk about it now?

( Whispers )

Hey, now is not usually good for you.

Bob, honey, I am not unreasonable, okay? You want a man cave, I want a yoga room.

We'll just compromise, call it a yoga room.

Told ya.

Charlie, you excited about your new house? What do you think, circle? We don't want a new house.

( Scoffs )

Of course you do.

Circle said, "no.

" Charlie, dolls can't talk.

Hey.

Gabe, don't say that.

When I was Charlie's age, I used to talk to my dolls too.

I think it's adorable.

Yeah well, I think it's disturbing.

Circle doesn't like you.

Yeah well, listen up, blue boy, I don't like you either.

Who's talking to dolls now? Hi.

Derek newly.

Ed Johnson.

Why does it say "ted Johnson"? Oh, because The "t" is silent.

That's how we do it in allahassee.

You look awfully young to be an accountant.

I get that a lot.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I'm 14.

You know, I don't like to brag, but I'm kind of a genius.

Graduated High School at nine, college at 11, and went straight into accounting.

Oh, that's odd.

It's just that most people who are geniuses don't go into accounting.

I was 11.

What did I know? What is that? I went out and got us a pet.

Think he's a myna bird.

Well, I don't myna what he is as long as he gets us thrown out of here.

( Chuckles )

Yeah, let the bird do the talking.

It talks? I taught it a few things before you got home.

Wait till Bernie the landlord here's this.

Okay, bird.

Go ahead.

Say it.

Bernie's a dope.

Bernie's a dope.

( Chuckles )

I love it.

- ( Banging on door )

- Landlord.

No no no no.

No no.

- ( Groans )

- No.

( Groans )

You taught it to fly? It came with that skill.

Well maybe you should have closed the window.

I have to be in charge of everything?

- ( Groans )

- ( Banging on door )

- Landlord.

- Answer the door.

You wanted to see me? Hey, Bernie.

Just wanted to let you know, we got a pet bird.

I don't see a bird.

I see a perch.

That's where the bird was.

He's not there now.

He stepped out for a bit.

He'll be right back.

Well.

When he gets here, give me a holler.

Hey, Charlie.

You're gonna love the new house.

No.

Charlie.

Hey.

It's gonna be right here where our old house is.

Just new and better.

Okay, I'm gonna get some more boxes.

I will be right back.

Charlie.

We need to talk.

Okay.

But Gabe said you can't talk.

Then what am I doing right now? Good point.

Of course Gabe thinks I can't talk.

Wish he couldn't talk.

- What do you want?

- Charlie, you gotta save this house.

What can I do? Do what little kids do.

Make a mess.

Okay.

There you go.

Good job.

Charlie.

Hey.

What are you doing? We don't want to go.

We? Me and circle like this house.

Oh, Charlie.

Hey.

What is going on in here? Charlie doesn't want a new house.

Oh great.

That's the last thing we need.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I think I know how I can handle this.

Good.

Because this new house is happening.

I already ordered the gong for my yoga room.

Charlie.

I think the other gurgles might have something to say.

We should ask them.

( Peppy voice )

Hey, Charlie.

The rest of us gurgles think a new house would be fun.

Isn't that right, star?

( Deep voice )

That's right, square.

Circle doesn't know what he's talking about.

This is insulting.

We should get out of here.

Charlie.

I said "we.

" ( Chatter on tv )

Hey, Charlie.

So we have to talk about the new house.

Shh.

Hello there, miss Piggy.

You're looking very beautiful today.

Aw, that's so sweet - Aw.

- Even if it is obvious.

( Phone ringing )

- Kermit: Okay, I can't wait

- Can you turn that down please?

( Phone ringing )

Hello? No, that's good to know, but there's no ed Johnson here.

Okay.

( Chuckles )

Stupid wrong numbers.

Hey, just out of curiosity, what did they want? I don't know.

Something about a banquet starting.

Weird.

You know It's a nice night.

I think I'm gonna go take a walk.

Gabe, why are you wearing a blazer?

Oh, I'm just taking a little more interest in my appearance.

Hey, it had to happen sometime, huh? Okay.

I'll see you guys later.

( Door closes )

He's up to something, isn't he? Yep.

But he's hotel security's problem now.

Teddy.

- Oh.

- Try this.

Mm.

Mom, that's delicious.

It's what I do.

( Sighs )

Hi-ho, Teddy.

- Kermit?

- Mm-hmm.

Is it really you? Uh, yes.

It's really me.

( Clears throat )

Wow.

You look just like you do on tv.

Only, um Better? Well, thank you.

I was hoping for greener, but that'll do.

Um kermit, what are you doing here?

Ah, well actually, I heard that you were tearing your whole house down and gonna make it all new.

How'd you hear that? Oh, fozzie bear ran into your contractor at a comedy club.

Not funny, by the way.

Fozzie bear or the contractor? Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well listen, Teddy, I'm here to ask you a question.

Or better yet, sing you one.

- Que.

- ( Music playing )

If you could build your dream house what kind of house would it be? would have have and a pine-paneled library? would if have a home theater and an indoor pool? Um, yeah.

That sounds pretty cool.

But would it bring back childhood memories? would it feel like home to the Duncan family? Seems to me the answer is quite clear this is your dream house right here just look at this place what's not to love? You've got a floor at your feet and the stars up above oh Teddy, this is your dream house this is your dream house it's where you grew up it's where you'd live now if only it hadn't become termite chow this is your dream house this is my dream house? It's what they call a fixer-upper but soon it will be good as new thanks to our top-notch construction crew

( animal yelling )

I got to admit that it would be weird to build a new house and have this one just disappear maybe this is my dream house right here both: right here miss Piggy? Mom! What are you doing here? We couldn't help but overhear and you can't do a musical number without moi.

Or moi.

She'd really prefer a house twice as big I have to say I agree with the pig - oh, Teddy.

- Both: I want my dream house that frog and that bear they do have a point this old House of ours is a pretty sweet joint I think that this is our dream house who needs a spa or a super-sized closet or new counters made out of marble composite a four-car garage, a jacuzzi, a deck programmable lighting that's super high tech a green house, a game room a guest suite or two that's not what's important to me and to you Speak for yourself! You know, miss Piggy, I got to admit, I really would miss this place.

( Sighs )

Whatever.

Let's wrap this up.

This place may be falling apart at the seams but this our home and this is the house of our dreams dream house dream house the house of our dreams.

Teddy: Dreams.

Oh my gosh.

Charlie, you were right.

We have to save our house.

Yay! Let's go find mom and dad.

I should have known it was a dream.

It all started with mom cooking something delicious.

( People chattering )

( Sighs )

You want to tell me what's going on Ted? It's ed.

The "t" is silent.

All right.

Whatever your name is, start talking.

Dad, I just couldn't eat anymore peanut butter sandwiches.

Then I found this room, and they were giving out free food, so I just pretended to be an accountant.

Hey, ed.

Who's this?

( Stammers )

Frank Johnson.

Ed's dad.

Oh, so you must be an accountant too.

Yeah.

Taught him everything he knows.

Could you pass me the salt?

( Sniffs, coughs )

( Groans )

Line dancing and cabbage eating.

Man, I've been wanting to bring those two together for years.

We are so getting kicked out of here.

( Grunts )

Okay, everybody.

Make sure you dance really hard.

Extra cabbage for the loudest stomper.

( Country music playing )

Five, six, seven, eight.

- ( Pounding on door )

- Come in.

What is going on in here? Line dancing.

And what is that smell? Cabbage.

Line dancing and cabbage eating? Both: Mm-hmm.

I've been wanting to bring those two together for years.

What? Pump up the volume, and somebody cabbage me! Yee-haw! We're never getting out of this place, are we? Nope.

Guess there's only one thing left to do.

We dance! You gonna get seconds? Well, I gotta get something before thirds.

( Both laugh )

And now, let's welcome this year's keynote speaker, ed Johnson.

( Applause )

- What?

- ( Chuckles )

Sounds like you're giving a speech.

Good thing you wore the blazer.

Go get 'em, ed! Whoo! Thank you Number lovers.

I think you should hear from the man who taught me everything I know about our beloved profession.

My dad, Frank Johnson.

( Applause )

( Sighs )

Frank's not very happy.

Yeah.

What accountant is?

( Clears throat )

Certified public accounting.

Pluses and minuses.

Addition and subtraction.

What else can you say about accounting? I've got someone I'd like you to meet.

Oh yeah? Who? Ted Johnson.

Hi.

Very nice to Dad, the jig's up! Good night, everybody! So I got the final cost on your dream house.

Sorry it took so long, I was having some trouble with my calculator.

Oh, that's okay.

Turns out it needed a new battery.

The good news is, I have a terrific new joke about battery replacement.

Want to hear it? Both: No.

It's no charge.

Is that it? Yeah.

Oh, there you guys are.

Um, mom, dad So Charlie was right.

We can't build a new house.

Let me guess, did the gurgles talk to you too? No.

The muppets did.

Kermit and miss Piggy appeared in my dream.

They were very persuasive and made some excellent points Musically.

Guys, come on.

We are not changing our plans based on a talking doll and a dream.

So with everything you said you wanted, this is how much your new house is gonna cost.

- Whoa.

- ( Gasps )

Um So what did kermit say?

- ( Hammering )

- Well ah.

Great news, Charlie, we're rebuilding our old house.

And we couldn't have done it without you and your imaginary friend, and me, and the muppets, and Can I help you? I saw the camera.

I thought maybe it's my chance to get discovered.

Oh, um I'm just making a video for my little sister.

Does she like jokes? I guess.

Knock knock.

Who's there? Doorbell delivery.

Doorbell delivery who? No, that's the whole joke.

I'm I'm not sure you understand how knock knock jokes work.

Well, who's the comedian here? I'm not sure there is one.

The thing is is I'm knocking because there is no doorbell.

You see

- I'm delivering it.

- Good luck, Charlie.

Miss Piggy: Oh, Charlie.

Can we ask you a question? Okay.

Which do you like better? A frog or a pig? Oh.

Uh Charlie, I'd be very careful about how I answered that.

I like them both.

But if you had to choose just one, and you have to.

( Murmurs )

I like bears.

Aah! That's a beary good answer.

( Chuckles )

Bears over pigs?! What?! Oh, I'd get moving if I were you.

Come back here, you little bear lover, you! Come back!

( Chuckles )

Hey, good luck, Charlie.