15x12 - 1%

[bunniefuu]

Last week, the students of this school

participated in the Presidential Fitness Test.

I?m sad to announce that the school

scored the lowest in health and fitness

in the entire country.

On the whole, you students actually scored fine.

But the President?s Fitness Test is scored on a school-wide average.

And one fourth grader at this school scored so low,

with a terrifying body fat score,

and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels

of a 70-year-old man,

that it actually brought your average

down to the lowest in the country.

However, the Presidential Fitness Program

never wants to single out one child,

because then, that child might feel bad.

And so, as far as we?re concerned,

you?re all a bunch of fat f*cking pigs.

Could you please use a little different terminology?

Sorry. As far as the board is concerned,

you?re all a bunch of fat f*cking pigs.

And it is the recommendation of this board

that every week, each class will alternate turns,

giving up their recesses and instead reporting to PE.

All right, fourth grade class, you?re up first.

We?re gonna do some rope climbing.

God, this sucks!

Four weeks, we gotta do this?

Let?s just suck it up.

All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it.

McCormick, let?s start with you. Climb the rope.

Look at Kenny! He?s so poor, you guys!

His family is so poor they couldn?t pay for the gym outfit!

All right, let?s go, Broflovski.

Look, a Jew on a rope! You know what?s a Jew on a rope?

Stop ripping on people to make yourself feel less embarrassed.

We?re all here because of you.

We are here because the average score was low!

??That?s on all of us! ??Because of you!

It?s your fault.

We have to do this because you?re unhealthy.

We?re paying for your being fat.

I can?t believe you went there.

We were having a nice conversation

about Kenny the poor and Kyle the Jew,

and you decide to go 9/11 and bust out the fat quip.

We are here because of you. Keep your mouth shut.

Oh, my God!

Why doesn?t everyone back off? I know how this works.

You?re the 99% ganging up on the 1%!

Grow up.

Jesus Christ!

The 99% is totally ganging up on me!

That?s what we mean by grow up. Stop being a baby!

Why don?t you go home and cry to your stuffed animals.

And then Wendy said that they were the 99%,

and I was the 1% and that made me not cool.

But, Eric, you are cool.

I know, Clyde Frog,

but the 99% is saying everything is my fault.

It?s not your fault.

How can they blame you for what is clearly Obama?s fault?

What do you mean, Peter Panda?

You didn?t make that stupid Presidential Fitness Test,

Obama did.

That?s right.

You don?t need to grow up. You are awesome and cool.

Thanks, Polly Prissy Pants.

I?m just scared that all the kids at school

are gonna be talking about me behind my back.

And so then, Skeletor told Terminator he wanted a divorce.

And apparently, it?s all gonna be finalized soon.

How many times do we have to go over this?

That?s not Skeletor, that?s a woman named Maria Shriver.

But then why does his face look like that?

What?

What?

What are you guys talking about?

What are you doing and talking about?

I knew it!

You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren?t you?

Occupying the cafeteria?

You know why you are protesting? Because you?re pissed off.

But you won?t be pissed off at a black president,

so you?re all pissed off at me!

Go ahead!

Have your rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%!

See what it gets you!

Eric is right!

Maybe we should form a 99% club!

It?s not a bad idea. If all the students unite,

we can work together to fight the system.

The fifth graders agree.

We?re all being punished for one lazy bitch.

Let?s make him suffer.

All we need is some good old fashioned?

diplomacy.

We are here on behalf of South Park fourth graders.

The fattie boom ballatie class. How?s the extra PE treating you?

We believe your fitness system is flawed,

and that for 99% of us, it is unfair.

And what do you want from me?

We believe that the 1% should be dropped from the results,

so they can be more accurate.

Afraid that?s impossible.

The ational Fitness Test has very specific standards.

o one child can ever be made to feel singled out.

We don?t even use the term ?physically fit? anymore,

because it can make a student feel unphysically fit,

and then that student might end up feeling like a total ret*rd.

Could you use a different terminology, please?

That ?fourth grader? might end up feeling like a total ret*rd.

All of the students already know who the 1% is.

You?re only making the 99% more angry.

This could turn very ugly.

Have you been here all day?

I?ve been at the hair salon. Why?

Somebody?s been in my room!

f*cking 99 percenters! What did they take?

Are you sure?

Am I sure? Look at this place!

??But who? ??Don?t you get it?

People voted for Obama.

ow that everything sucks, they blame me!

They didn?t take my watch.

or my Arkham City game.

What else?

Clyde Frog.

Clyde Frog? They took Clyde Frog!

I?ve known Clyde Frog since I was 2 years old.

He was a fighter, a visionary.

But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend.

He never said anything,

never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do.

He just sat there going along with whatever I wanted.

A noble trait that seems lost on you 99 percenters.

And now, we live in a world where one of you

has decided to become a m*rder*r.

Whoever you are,

I?m sure you?re sitting there right now, in your little green hat,

with your left cheek resting against your hand, thinking:

?I?m not getting away with this.?

Because, whoever you are,

maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left

covered up and tainted black by years of Jewish propaganda.

Shut the hell up!

??Got something to say, Kyle? ??How do you m*rder a stuffed animal?

How do you m*rder a stuffed animal? You tell us!

But let?s not get ahead of ourselves.

A big investigation is yet to come.

And until we prove undoubtedly who the k*ller was,

you are all just as guilty as Kyle.

Thank you so much. Bagpipes?

Fly, fly, little dove

To the welcome arms of Christ above

Your tears are finally gone

??Where?s our $5? ??What?

You said if we came, we each got $5.

They?ve been donated in your names to the Clyde?s foundation.

Go ahead and leave!

I?m gonna find out who did this, and I?m gonna have your f*cking balls!

You remember the kids from that elementary school?

The boom boom chubby choom choom school.

They?re all protesting outside,

saying our system isn?t fair to the 99% of them.

Oh, my Jesus!

ot a 99% rally!

I sure hope this works.

I?m reporting from the middle of a protest

where two fourth grade students are fed up

and have decided to occupy Red Robin.

It has been going on for several hours now, and boys,

technically, I am part of the 99%,

so what do I have to say about all this?

Thank you all so much for coming.

Clyde Frog?s death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me.

Why would somebody do such a terrible thing?

Why would somebody hurt Clyde Frog?

Especially because you are so awesome and cool?

I know that I am awesome and cool, Polly Prissy Pants,

but that has little relevance to Clyde Frog?s m*rder.

Let?s stop this charade, and let?s get down to business.

Rumper Tumpskin?

We all know who f*cking k*lled Clyde Frog.

The same dirty slut who?s been f*cking with us our whole lives!

Sweetie, is everything OK?

Does everything look OK?

Sit down, you f*cking bitch!

Sit down, mother. We are all having a tea party.

You?re a little disturbed right now, but maybe you can?

Shut your fat piehole, bitch!

You know what you did, skank! You let Clyde Frog get m*rder*d!

o, Rumper Tumpskin, I didn?t. I swear!

Why did you write in your diary

it was time for Eric to grow out of his stuffed animals anyway?

Excellent point, Muscle Man Marc. Please continue.

All I?m saying is?

You really can just talk to me if you?

All I?m saying is that you went through your mom?s diary for a reason.

I promise you. I didn?t do anything to your toy.

Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do.

And I?d do anything to get to the bottom of it.

So then, we are all going to need some more tea.

You better give me every cop you got on the south side.

I don?t care about ABC,

as long as they don?t block the fire trucks.

Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand!

??What exactly are we dealing with? ??It?s not good.

The protest has quadrupled in size since the morning.

As you can see from this photograph,

the protest now covers almost two square miles.

We have riot officers here, here and here.

The media?s been contained to this area.

And where are the actual protesters?

These two people, right here.

How are we gonna contain this?

I?m afraid it?s about to get worse. See this area here?

We?re setting up the stage for Bon Jovi there.

We can?t have cops standing around without some entertainment.

The problem is with this area blocked by napping tents,

we have no place to serve the officers? beer.

Dammit!

Don?t these protesters know what this is heading towards?

Full on class warfare.

What the hell?

Mom, my room is?

Peter Panda!

The fire started with this. Definitely a case of arson.

Somebody hates this kid.

Don?t you touch him!

Peter Panda?

Don?t try to talk. You?re gonna be OK.

Remember?

to stay cool?

Sorry, kid, we need to take this as evidence.

Peter Panda, no!

The 99 percenters movement continues to grow,

as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin.

I asked some of the people what they hope to accomplish.

What do you hope to accomplish by this movement?

I like the? A1 peppercorn burger.

And they got? bottomless fries.

And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together,

word is that Michael Moore has joined the protesters outside.

I look out at the faces of you protesters,

and I see the future of America!

We are the 99%!

Are you the guys messing with Cartman?s stuffed animals?

Maybe we are and maybe we aren?t. You got any proof?

You and your friends were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer.

That doesn?t prove anything! That fucker?s getting what he deserves.

But he seriously could have d*ed in that fire.

He?s in your class, but you don?t deal with him.

So we are gonna remedy the situation.

We?ve got big plans.

Just stay out of our way, and let the men handle this.

Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here.

You can?t be staying in a home with that much fire damage.

To be honest, we?re a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us.

We never knew your son and our son were so close.

I asked him where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend Token.

This window locks from the inside? This door has a lock on it too?

Polly Prissy Pants, you?re gonna be safe here.

Black people are now impervious to being f*cked with.

So we?ll be all right.

Why are you involving me in this?

You?re the only one I can trust.

Black people are somehow incapable of doing anything wrong, now.

Breaking news from the Red Robin movement.

The protesters have decreased in number from two to one,

as one of the protesters has splintered off from the group

to start a new movement,

?Occupy the Restroom.?

It has been going on for almost thirty minutes now.

Certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever.

These 99 percenters are fed up, and as a result,

you can clearly see this restroom is?

occupied.

The movement is finished,

but from the time it took, it was a decent sized movement.

Will you stop changing channels and just pick something?

What do you wanna watch, Polly Prissy Pants?

This is my room. I?ll take the remote from you.

I?ll tell my mom on you when our parents get home.

You?re a guest here. You?re mom isn?t in charge!

My house got b*rned down. Everyone has to feel bad for me.

??What is that? ??Someone?s in the backyard.

??Who? ??I don?t know.

I thought I was safe here! Stay there, guys. I?ll be right back.

Who?s there? Lock that door behind you.

Black people live here!

Motion detector.

I knew it was you!

It?s not me! I?m here to help you, fatass!

Sure!

It?s true. We came to keep an eye out.

Steven Tamal said he had something really big planned.

Steven Tamal? The fifth grader?

sh*t!

I told you to lock that door!

??Where are they? ??I don?t know!

??What the hell are you doing? ??I don?t trust any of you assholes!

Where are you sons a b*tches?

All right, you ready?

??Ready! ??Here we go!

??What are you fifth graders doing? ??We are the 83%!

We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class!

The fourth grade is sticking it to the other 83% of the school!

Hold on a second.

If you?re the 83%, our class is only 17%.

How can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%?

Because your class has Cartman in it, and he?s the 1%!

But if he?s 1% of 17%, he?s. 17%.

The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin.

It is full on class warfare!

And now, class warfare is breaking out.

Apparently, it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class.

It?s here! Class warfare is finally here!

Whoever you are, just give them back! Haven?t you done enough to me?

Muscle Man Marc!

Polly Prissy Pants? Rumper Tumpskin?

Jesus Christ!

Don?t come any closer!

Who did this?

You said you wouldn?t let anything happen to us!

I?ll get you down!

Don?t come any?

Rumper Tumpskin!

Rumper Tumpskin?

Why?

Why did you do this?

It?s OK.

It?s over now.

Polly?

Polly Prissy Pants?

You did this?

Don?t you see? The kids at school were right.

It was time for us to grow up.

You got rid of Clyde Frog.

You b*rned Peter Panda.

They?re gone. We can grow up and be together.

They were your friends!

They were holding us back.

All the kids making fun of you at school,

saying you?re not cool.

Your stuffed animals all had to be gotten rid of.

It?s dead bolted. Token, you in there?

When people find out we did all this, we?re gonna get in total trouble.

I?ve thought of everything.

It all happened here, so that everyone will think Token did it.

All the blame will be on him. And we can live happily ever after.

Just one problem.

You say I had to grow up, to get rid of all of my dolls.

You forget one crucial thing.

That nobody would blame Token for all this.

In today?s day and age, you can?t blame a black person.

You?re totally right! But I thought my plan was perfect.

I?ve failed! I failed you!

You have to k*ll me, so that you don?t get blamed.

I?ve lost every stuffed animal. I won?t lose you too!

It?s the only way, now. You have to do it.

I can?t live with myself after what I?ve done.

You have to do it.

All right.

Goodbye, Polly Prissy Pants.

I love you.

Say hello to the sunrise for me.

What the hell?

We told him to grow up.

So he got rid of his stuffed animals.

My little Eric can sometimes be a bit dramatic.

Occupy Red Robin is over.

Class warfare has torn apart the 99%

and replaced it with the 30%,

the 26%

and even little brackets of 5% here and there.

What does this mean for our country?

What does this mean for me?

Get down to State Street! They?re occupying Macaroni Grill!

Hell, yeah!

I?ll occupy me some goat cheese Peppadew peppers!