15x13 - A History Channel Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Children, let?s all take our seats.

As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away.

And the school has arranged for a lecture

from a real live native American.

Neat-o! Huh, fellas?

Hello, boys and girls. I?m David ?Running Horse? Sawitzki.

And I am one-sixteenth Cherokee Indian.

Does that mean we only have to pay one-sixteenth attention to you?

There?s been a lot of stories about the first Thanksgiving,

and unfortunately,

they are mostly geared towards making the pilgrims look good,

and my people being degraded as usual.

Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace,

or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?

Thanksgiving is about m*rder?

This is bullcrap.

A guest comes to our class,

and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?

It is kind of true. Thanksgiving is fun and all,

but the native Americans got screwed over.

And now my video game time is getting screwed over by them.

Fat ass, why don?t you come and help?

You?re really being grumpy today.

We all have to do this report together.

We are wasting time.

If we have to write a report, let?s go downstairs and watch TV.

??How is that gonna help? ??Dumb ass, it?s November.

The History Channel must be playing Thanksgiving specials.

We can learn everything we need.

You?re watching the History Channel.

Where the truth is history.

A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving

between pilgrims and native Americans.

But what really happened at that first historic dinner?

I told you.

Who needs to read books when we?ve got History Channel?

We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621,

but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of foods

between pilgrims and native Americans.

May have been visited by aliens.

In every journal entry we research

from those early pilgrims,

not one entry mentions anything

about aliens not being there.

And what about the food?

Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving tables

suggest a kind of alien technology?

What? This isn?t history!

Dude, it is called History Channel.

And if we look in all the journals

and all the history books,

there is no reference to ?stuffing?

before 1621.

So, where did it come from?

Did it come from space?

We don?t know.

Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving?

Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod,

when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form?

What exactly did the pilgrims experience?

How did those beings from another world

shape the dinner we celebrate every November?

Why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period?

We are not basing research for our report on this crap.

Let?s take a vote.

Who thinks ancient aliens at Thanksgiving

makes an interesting report?

Dude!

Who wants to take a little Pamprin

so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down?

All right, fine. Let?s get this stupid report over with.

A report from where?

Does congress know about this yet?

Keep it contained, and get the helicopters ready.

I?ll be there as soon as I can.

Darling?

They found something. This could be it.

You knew that stopped menstruation is called menopause?

God takes your period away, and it makes you really irritable.

That?s why Kyle?s been so grouchy. He?s going through menopause.

Shut your f*cking mouth!

See what I mean?

Is that them?

That?s them.

You boys have been very busy.

We need to know everything that you know.

About what?

Have you been contacted by alien life forms?

Did you come across some kind of ship?

Look, we saw this stuff on History Chanel.

We are the History Channel.

We?ve been collecting information on Thanksgiving for years.

We?re getting closed to the truth.

And now, you have the exact same information.

It can?t be coincidence.

We saw it on your channel.

What exactly did you see?

Stuffing was never heard of before 1621,

so it might be alien technology.

My God!

Would you be willing to say that on camera?

All right, that?s enough MTV for one day.

Watch something that stimulates your brain.

??I?m putting on History Channel.??OK, Dad!

You?re watching the History Channel. The only network dedicated to history.

Coming up next: it?s Monster Quest!

Followed by Hairy Bikers.

But now, back to part three of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.

It has become a widely accepted fact

that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by pilgrims, native Americans

and alien beings.

Stuffing wasn?t mentioned until 1621.

And it might have been alien technology.

And while the number of people who accept

the alien theory continues to grow,

some experts have stepped forward

with a wildly different view.

Could it be that pilgrims were actually aliens themselves?

Of course, you can?t prove there were no aliens.

Just like you can?t prove the pilgrims themselves weren?t aliens.

Can you prove that?

Draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with you hand.

Maybe that symbol matches galaxies, space or something.

Could it be that the pilgrims we?ve read about all these years

actually came from another planet?

History experts like Kyle Broflovski say ?yes.?

Pilgrims and Indians might as well be all aliens

who came here and made an intergalactic treaty.

Check it out. We?re on TV.

How can they make a show out of this? I wasn?t agreeing with them!

What are you doing?

The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?

Native Americans are aliens?

I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn?t?

My people have been through enough. God damn you!

The white man is gonna pay for his lies!

Look at this!

An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the pilgrims landed in 1620.

Five pilgrim settlements with Plymouth Rock here.

The same symbols appear everywhere in history.

The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space!

If Kyle Broflovski is right, Plymouth Rock is a wormhole.

Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens.

How did we not think of it?

It can take the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things.

True dat.

Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secure.

All right, people, let?s clear out.

We need you all to disperse.

This area is under quarantine.

Get me a piece of chalk!

??Nothing.??Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.

At least, we weren?t outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid.

We should have known.

Pilgrims couldn?t be from space.

You can see it right there.

An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the earth.

What is it?

It?s a pilgrim.

So then,

Professor Broflovski was right after all.

Not long ago,

it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth

shared the universe with beings from other planets.

These alien beings visited our world and once even settled it,

from deep within the galaxy Canis Major

and a distant planet, called Plymouth.

Fellow pilgrims!

The Great Captain hath gone missing,

and thine enemies have att*cked our stuffing mines!

We must prepare for w*r with the Indians!

Now, it is our time!

We shall att*ck Plymouth,

and we will take?

all their stuffing!

Mom!

Did you get stuffing for Thanksgiving?

Tell me you?ve already got everything we need!

Thanksgiving?s still a couple weeks away.

I haven?t gone shoppies yet.

What is it?

Clyde saw on the news there?s a massive stuffing shortage!

Get your coat. We gotta go to the store!

You have stuffing?

Stuffing? Sure, aisle 17.

We?re not too late. Come!

??Where is it? ??It?s right there, right on the?

Wait, that can?t be right.

??What happened to all the stuffing? ??What are you talking about?

We got more in the back, right?

I just did inventory.

All was here.

It?s two weeks until Thanksgiving, and we?re out of stuffing?

You dare come here, ambassador, after attacking our stuffing mines?

The stuffing mines were never yours.

Without control of the mines,

we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador!

This will be w*r!

You are in no position to declare w*r.

Your lead commander is nowhere to be found.

And how knoweth you that?

Word travels fast in our sector.

I do not give three bowls of stuffing what sayeth you.

We will take back control of the stuffing mines.

Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off.

And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong.

Where are you, Miles Standish?

And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said

about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue.

Native Americans were brutalized,

and David Sawitzski?s ancestors deserve an apology!

It was wrong to mix aliens and real history!

Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids linked to Mars?

There?s a guy with a g*n here!

There are lots of symbols and signs out there

that show aliens and history are linked.

??You don?t say.??Will you guys stop?

Just keep writing your apology!

How now, Indian?

Why hath thy race sent me here to Earth?

You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here!

Why!

Hath thou att*cked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?

Tell me, Indian!

I?m only one-sixteenth!

Hold your lying tongue!

This shall prove if thou arts Indian or not!

He was not!

I didn?t think so.

I hath been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute.

I need your wisdom to get back to my planet.

Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me!

We must make haste to Cape Cod!

??Who?s this? ??Natalie.

Hi, guys!

All right, sir,

we got some more information on the pilgrim who crashed to Earth.

30 seconds after impact,

he was hit by a truck, and then put in the back seat.

Who did the truck belong to?

We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir.

??The actress? That makes no sense. ??It gets worse.

All the country is reporting a shortage of stuffing.

It?s not a coincidence.

You?re telling me that during a stuffing shortage,

this pilgrim dropped down from space, and got into a truck

driven by Natalie Portman?

If anyone knows about stuffing, it?s Natalie Portman.

We have to find Professor Broflovski.

He was right about all of this.

He?ll know what to do.

We shall make camp here for the night.

On the morrow, perhaps we can reach Cape Cod.

And Thanksgiving may yet be saved.

What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?

He?s pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient aliens thing.

He seems almost like a puritan lady

whose period hath stopped.

I fear that you still do not know who?s side to be on.

No. I don?t.

It must have been very difficult for you.

Being the one on your planet with his wild theories

that pilgrims and Indians were aliens.

I just said that sarcastically.

Then you are a remarkably gifted child.

Here, let me show you.

Your planet is one of the five.

Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim.

And this one, nobody cares about.

The five are connected by a series of wormholes.

My people came to your world, and so did our enemies.

But we made a treaty. For 300 years, we have not fought.

But now, that treaty is over.

But I always read that Native Americans were here,

and the pilgrims and other settlers took their lands from them.

You can?t believe what everyone tells you.

You have to open your eyes.

Soon, your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth,

and the stuffing mines can again be ours.

For he who controls the stuffing

controls the universe.

Hold it right there!

We found Professor Broflovski. He?s with the pilgrim!

Stay back!

I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped!

Come, boys, let us fight to the death!

Wait! Stop!

Please, Mr. Standish,

we are all on the same side here.

We know why there?s a stuffing shortage.

We want to get the wormhole open.

I trust none but them!

Indians hath betrayed us!

I must return to Plymouth, so my king can know the truth!

We?re the History Channel.

We care as much about the truth as you do.

Get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible.

My Lord, the battle is lost!

We have tried to stop the Indians, but yay they are too strong!

Our last chance for survival is gone?

Sorry, my Lord.

All pilgrim forces sent to Indi have been wiped out.

And so soon the Indians will be here.

Sound the corn horn!

We must abandon Plymouth!

The stuffing mines are ours!

Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here.

Once I get back, I will assemble my people to att*ck Indi

and regain control of the stuffing mines.

If all goes as planned, you?ll have stuffing for Thanksgiving.

But, Mr. Standish, I?m afraid it?s not that simple.

We?ve tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol, and it didn?t work!

Of course not!

You had the correct symbol,

but you were missing the keeper of the portal.

The keeper of the?

Of course! Natalie Portman!

We were wondering what she had to do with this!

Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!

Our window of opportunity is closing.

The wormhole has to be opened now.

Miss Portman, we need you to open your wormhole!

Miss Portman, you?ve got to open your wormhole right now.

Curses and cranberries!

I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say!

There has to be a way! Where is our expert?

??What do we do, Professor Broflovski? I?m not a professor.

??The History Channel said you were! ??You are the History Channel!

Kyle of DeVry Institute.

There is no more time for squabble. The universe is at stake.

You knew everything else.

You somehow knew about all of this!

You knew it here.

You know how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.

You have any brothers or sisters?

I had a lot of really close friends, but not any brothers or sisters.

I was an only child.

Awesome.

I have dual citizenship, United States and Israel.

So, dual citizenship,

I never knew anyone that had that.

I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA.

But I did classes at university of Jerusalem, too.

Cool?

Wanna order some dessert?

??That was a lot of fun.??It was cool.

??Is there anyway you?d???What?

You know, could you?

Would you please open your wormhole?

Let?s go, folks!

But just for a sec, though.

Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute.

Now, the Indians can be stopped, and Thanksgiving will be saved.

You?re welcome. I?m sorry I doubted you.

I?m sorry I acted like a know-it-all.

We understand.

We should all realize that history and alien technology

do go hand in hand.

Now make way, children! For I have a w*r to fight!

For stuffing!

Take all their stuffing!

The treaty ends now.

With the wormhole once again open,

Miles Standish was able to command the pilgrim armies.

Now, att*ck their left flank!

Good! They?re retreating!

Hit them with the anti-Indian device!

The pilgrims fought off the Indians,

making stuffing once again available

on all our Thanksgiving tables!

And now, you know the true story behind Thanksgiving.

There?s a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew.

History Channel rules.

But was the first Thanksgiving really just about

pilgrims and Indians from space,

or was there something more?

Shocking new evidence suggests

that the first Thanksgiving might also have been haunted!

There is certainly no evidence

that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.

The pilgrims welcomed the Indians,

but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from the grave?

Come on!